ave-m-isaac - Tumblr blog

[ave-m-isaac]

girl typing a very specific question into google search bar, scrunching her face as she takes time to make sure she hasn't made any spelling errors, hitting enter, shaking her head as google only presents her with unhelpful websites that don't answer her query at all, moving her cursor back to the search bar and clicking on it so she can carefully write 'reddit' at the end, hitting enter again, sighing with relief as she finds a link to a reddit post asking the exact question she needed answered posted in a subreddit for a very niche topic, finally moving her cursor to click on the link, wondering why she didn't go straight to the subreddit earlier, only to be met with a deleted comment with a reply from the OP stating 'that was very helpful, thanks', sighing with frustration as she moves her cursor back to the search bar so she can copy the link and paste it into the wayback machine,

[ave-m-isaac]

[ave-m-isaac]

[ave-m-isaac]

[ave-m-isaac]

plants 🍃

x - x / x - x / x - x

[ave-m-isaac]

Starry starry night 💫

[ave-m-isaac]

[ave-m-isaac]

Sometimes I feel like I'll never be good.

People say I don't have to be perfect and that it's the intention and effort that counts but I don't believe them.

You don't see effort or intention. The only thing you see are actions and my actions just aren't good enough.

I'm not pushing hard enough. I'm not putting enough in. To you it all seems like the bare minimum and that disappoints you.

In your eyes I will never be good enough.

Growing up with that is hard because I once thought I was an extension of you and there still is a piece of you in me telling me this.

It will never go away, even after you're long gone but I can't hate you for that.

As much as I want to, I can't bring myself to because in a way that would mean hating myself.

Then I could never be good.

[ave-m-isaac]

I feel so emotionally sick

[ave-m-isaac]

I'm sorry I'm broken...

[ave-m-isaac]

Mother: You can talk to us about anything.

Me: Okay... so I want some more time for myself-

Mother: You know we can't do anything about that! Why are you even talking about this?!

[ave-m-isaac]

I just want to be gone from here

I can't take this anymore

Being alive is a burden that I just don't have the strength to carry anymore

I just don't have the energy to keep up this facade anymore

There is no more

I am done

[ave-m-isaac]

I feel so tired...

I just don't want to exist anymore

[ave-m-isaac]

The best way to hurt someone is to hurt the thing they care most about.

And if it happens to be me then my job got a whole lot easier.

[ave-m-isaac]

It hurts. Being surrounded by people you love and who love you back yet still feeling alone.

[ave-m-isaac]

Is being good bad?

Why do people tell me it's unrealistic?

Is it so wrong to want to change things to help others?

Why can't I change it?

Why?

[ave-m-isaac]

Sometimes I feel like I don't exist.

Am I even here?