authorics

[authorics]

We ask your questions anonymously so you don’t have to! Submissions are open on the 1st and 15th of the month.

[authorics]

[authorics]

I had a really good day yesterday, was able to study, had minimal symptoms and was overall really happy, and it still happened, ergo it’s got nothing to do with what I do and don’t accomplish, it’s just my brain being mean to me by default, regardless of how the day went. Great.

When I lay in bed at night, my mind goes into overdrive recently, listing all the ways in which I feel inadequate, and repeating them again and again. I can’t sleep without a sedative, because my mind won’t stop telling me how much I suck at everything, especially studying. I’ve been in a chronic illness flare-up and have been experiencing brain fog so bad I can’t focus on anything, let alone math. And while I know this is not a personal failing of mine, but just a way my condition manifests, it’s really hard not to feel like an absolute failure when my mind keeps telling me that I am. It doesn’t help that since going off my meds I feel everything so much more intensely. For most things I can reframe it as a good thing, and appreciate the way my autistic brain works and that I get to feel things again, sadness, anger, joy, even fear, I can deal with all of those, but this is really the downside of it. I think the fitting emotion is shame, and it’s so much harder to deal with than all the others.

[authorics]

I’m really hoping that today being a good day symptom wise means that my flare-up is coming to an end. I can focus on math today and have had enough energy to do a little bit of housework. Also no nausea so far. I won’t overdo it, but I am carefully hopeful.

[authorics]

When I lay in bed at night, my mind goes into overdrive recently, listing all the ways in which I feel inadequate, and repeating them again and again. I can’t sleep without a sedative, because my mind won’t stop telling me how much I suck at everything, especially studying. I’ve been in a chronic illness flare-up and have been experiencing brain fog so bad I can’t focus on anything, let alone math. And while I know this is not a personal failing of mine, but just a way my condition manifests, it’s really hard not to feel like an absolute failure when my mind keeps telling me that I am. It doesn’t help that since going off my meds I feel everything so much more intensely. For most things I can reframe it as a good thing, and appreciate the way my autistic brain works and that I get to feel things again, sadness, anger, joy, even fear, I can deal with all of those, but this is really the downside of it. I think the fitting emotion is shame, and it’s so much harder to deal with than all the others.

[authorics]

I can’t ever leave tumblr because I just love the tag function.. no other social media platform allows you to heckle yourself on your own post. you get to preemptively make metatextual commentary abt your OWN POST. how cool is that

[authorics]

getting normal sick when you’re chronically ill is so insulting like, um, fuck you? my body already wants me dead and now it’s at war with microscopic bitches

[authorics]

Make it make sense: to make an appointment at a clinic specialised in dysautonomia, I need a referral from a neurologist. I can’t get an appointment with a neurologist because nobody in my area takes on new patients. Therefore I can’t get a referral and can’t go to the dysautonomia specialist. There’s a couple more leads I have but if none of them pan out I will cost my parents even more money because my only option will be paying out of pocket for private healthcare that’s not covered by my insurance. For some reason, appointments are always available for privately insured patients and people who pay for themselves, but people with public insurance have to wait months or even years to get an appointment.

[authorics]

It seems that wearing compression socks while and after eating prevents the intense nausea I usually get immediately after a meal. This is the first time in weeks that eating hasn’t made me miserable for a couple hours afterwards. It might be a fluke and I don’t know how it’s connected if it’s not, but this is the first real relief I’ve had in a while. I actually am able to spend the evening doing something instead of lying on the couch trying not to faint or vomit.

Edit: it’s almost funny how happy I am right now, really shows me how much I’ve been struggling when something as simple as not feeling nauseated makes me this happy.

[authorics]

I’m not struggling with pots, pots is struggling with me *snorts a line of salt*

[authorics]

chronic illness culture is feeling deeply angry with yourself for taking your body and your health and your life for granted until you learned how fast it would all deteriorate

[authorics]

One of the things that annoy me the most about being autistic is that feeling of “something’s wrong but I don’t know what”. It’s really stressful when I’m just sitting there and I know I’m overstimulated but can’t figure out what’s causing it and I do all the things that usually tend to help but they’re not, and then suddenly I get that right idea, and after spending up to an hour or two just trying to figure out what’s wrong, I realise my pullover feels wrong, and the sensory overload was my skin feeling like it’s on fire, and then I take off the pullover and change into my go-to-hoodie (of which I desperately need a second one because I wear it at some point almost every day and can’t wash it enough), and I instantly notice the difference. Why, just why. I spent all day torturing myself with Bad Textures without even realising it. No wonder I feel awful, for fuck’s sake.

[authorics]

I feel like it’s not talked about enough how mentally and physically exhausting it is to have a chronic illness and look for a specialist to get treatment. In the last four months, I have emailed about 15 different doctors, asking for help, and all of them either aren’t equipped to treat my condition, don’t have any capacity for new patients or aren’t covered by my insurance, and I don’t just have thousands of bucks lying around to pay for even more private healthcare. I can’t just live like this, my symptoms are debilitating and nobody is helping me.

[authorics]

Sei wie Conni.

[authorics]

Sending love to autistics & others who can't engage in politics

This includes those who:

Are too cognitively disabled to understand politics

Find that politics triggers serious mental health issues that interfere with daily life

Have had their carers/therapists/support workers tell them that politics is bad for them and they need to not read about it

Political participation is hard and not everyone can handle it.

Some people feel guilt or shame about not being able to help more. Cognitive and/or mental health limitations don't make you less of a person. And if you care about helping others, it's okay to find ways to do that that don't cause you great distress.

I have had both a caregiver (my dad) and my therapist strongly advise me not to read about politics because I get way too upset. Listening to their advice is not a sin. I can make a difference in my own way.

Being too disabled to handle politics doesn't make you bad. It's not a privilege. It's okay to focus on things that don't hurt you.

You can help people in your own way, whether it's reaching out to people online, making inspiring or comforting art, or just being kind to the people around you. That's important too. And if it's all you can give, that's enough.

[authorics]

I wish it was easier to talk about mobile phone addiction without sounding like a boomer