aurorafables

[aurorafables]

From the Grey, Chapter 14.

Hey! I hope you will like this chapter :) I didn’t have to hide my desires from him anymore, I didn’t have to turn away in shame if he caught me staring at him… I felt so insatiable as a teenager, so last night was a bit like being reborn, wrapped in Noah’s long fingers, pink lips, and intoxicating scent.

Pairing: Noah Sebastian X Nicholas Ruffilo

Warnings: 18+, Explicit, Angst, Past character death, Suicidal thoughts

Tags: M/M, M/F, Slow burn, Childhood friends, Friends to lovers, Family drama, Band fic, Masturbation, Accidental Voyeurism, P in v sex, Hand Jobs, Oral Sex

Word Count: 4k

Cross-posted: AO3

14.

Noah lay next to me, both of our faces turned toward the ceiling, and the room was silent. Strangely, the sound of the sheets rustling had completely stopped, and our rapid breathing didn’t break the silence. I turned my head to the side, and he looked at me for a moment. Then he sat up in bed. He leaned forward, his head between his shoulders. I reached out and, barely touching it, my index finger slowly began to stroke the line of his spine. The little hairs stood up on his arm, and I felt him take a deep breath.

I frowned and sat up on the bed behind him.

"Is something wrong?”

"It's too much... lying here next to you on the bed with no clothes on.”

"Why?" I asked, but it was more of a rhetorical question. Noah looked back over his shoulder and laughed to himself in embarrassment. We knew what was going on, he didn't even have to say anything. I crawled behind him on my knees and wrapped one arm around his chest.

"I'm sorry, I needed a few minutes to process everything that happened," I whispered in his ear. "Please stay."

Noah nodded and leaned his head back against my shoulder as I stroked his stomach with my free hand. He closed his eyes and relaxed into the touch. I felt his shoulders slump, trying to get even closer to me.

"You don't have to... ask twice," he muttered, sighing, his voice trembling as my fingers wandered to the crotch of his bottom.

“Okay?” I asked. I leaned down to his shoulder, tracing the pulse along his neck with the tip of my nose, then knelt up to see what I was doing.

"What's mine is yours," Noah replied with a breathless, stifled chuckle. I buried my face in his hair, laughing too. I was crazy about him and wanted to bathe in his scent. If possible, from now on, night and day, always and everywhere.

Curiously, I held him in my palm through his underwear, just to feel his weight, how hot and wet he was. My mouth watered, my penis, pressed against his back, twitched, and for a moment I had to close my eyes too. Then I let go of him and pulled back a little.

"Come on, lie back down, please. I'd like to finally unwrap my present too.”

"You're impatient... There are still three days until Christmas." Noah said, but he immediately did what I asked.

He lay back on the mattress, his long legs stretched out, one arm tucked under his head, his eyes half-closed, waiting. I sat on his thighs, my gaze traveling over all the tattoos in sight. I had barely any on my chest and stomach, but enough to know they could hurt like hell when they were being done. I ran my finger over the ink-soaked skin above his ribs, then up to where his old, tiny scars were, perfectly hidden. But I knew where to look for them anyway. Noah followed my hands with his eyes, and he was completely silent until my fingers slid to one of his nipples. The little pink tips stood out against the black and gray patterns on his chest, catching my attention. I heard Noah take a deep breath, and the tattoos on his skin came to life as his muscles moved. I leaned down and after a soft kiss, sucked one of the tips between my lips, then ran my tongue over the already hard nipple. Noah's fingers slid into my hair, and then he let out a trembling breath. I moved to the other side, but I didn't stay there too long, because he started pushing my head lower and lower. As I kissed his stomach, my hand moved down the small strip of hair from his navel, and with our combined strength we freed his cock from the last piece of clothing, so I naturally continued to spread kisses along its length. I leaned towards his wet, glistening glans and licked it, just to taste him. Noah lifted his hips off the bed and gripped my hair tightly as I tried to analyze his taste. It was salty, sweet, and totally Noah, in the best way possible, but I knew I had to get used to it. I was momentarily caught off guard by how light toned his skin was compared to mine, especially where the sun didn’t reach it, and then I leaned back and licked him from his balls up with my tongue. The sound he made was like something out of a porn movie, and I was starting to get intoxicated by the thought of how much of an impact I was having on him with something so small.

"I have no idea what I'm doing," I said, giggling over his belly as Noah's grip on my hair eased.

"Just...just don't stop," he pleaded in a choked voice. It wasn't very helpful, but I guessed that maybe I should continue with what I like in a similar situation. I quickly figured out how to involve my hand in the game. I grabbed the base of his cock and slid it into my mouth as far as I could, then moved up, sucking harder on the head. I repeated this sequence of movements, sometimes licking the tip of my tongue along his silky skin, following the lines of the protruding veins. After a while, I got used to the taste of him, and I grunted in satisfaction when I felt another dose of precum in my mouth. From his soft moans, his gasps, and the tension in his muscles, I deduced how close he was already.

"Nick, look at me, please!" His voice broke the silence, sounding completely different than usual. I immediately looked up and was momentarily stunned. I had never seen his eyes so dark before, and his face was shaped by desire, giving him a beautiful yet wild look. I moaned with his cock in my mouth.

"Fuck, fuck..." he repeated, like a litany, and grabbed my hair again tightly. He struggled to keep his eyes open, almost devouring me with his gaze as I continued to suck him demandingly, watching him. He pulled my head back firmly, just before his voice trailed off, closing his eyes and his neck tensing back on the pillow. It was amazing to see him fall to pieces under my hands and lips. Some of his seed landed on my hand, some on his stomach, painting the black ink on his skin and mine white. 

“Shh, shh,” I whispered to him, pushing myself up so our heads were the same level, because he was a little louder than he should have been, and I was afraid the others would hear us. Noah nodded that he understood what I wanted, but he was still too far away to open his eyes. I clung to his neck, making sure his tattoos kept the little bites in secret, and I smiled when he flinched one last time.

"Fuck, Nick..." he moaned with awe in his voice.

"Hm, I agree," I replied, grinning, and started to shower his face with kisses.

I found the T-shirt thrown by the bed and dried ourselves off, turned off the small lamp, then lay back down next to him, snuggling up to him, my own raised legs draped over his thighs. When Noah came back from his high, we kissed for at least another half hour, at first intensely, then more and more lazily and sleepily, before we managed to fall asleep, completely wrapped up in each other.

I woke up with my heart pounding, afraid that I had only dreamed the whole night. It would have been the most vivid dream I had ever had, and for that very reason, I am not sure I would have survived with my mind intact if Noah had not been by my side. The first thing I noticed was that his hair was tickling my nose, and all my senses were overwhelmed by his closeness. He was lying on his side, back to me, but our hips were almost fused together, fitting like two puzzle pieces. I moved barely perceptibly, and the position ended with my already semi-hard cock rubbing against his ass. I sucked in air between my teeth, put my hand on his hip, and wanted to grip him, to hold him close to me, but I didn’t want to wake him. The next moment Noah sighed softly, pushing his bottom back, but he was still sleeping soundly. I felt like this wasn’t going to end well, so I rolled onto my back and stared at the ceiling, trying to calm my hormones. I bit my lip and smiled. 

It was incredible to know that I could have done it. I didn’t have to hide my desires from him anymore, I didn’t have to turn away in shame if he caught me staring at him… I felt so insatiable as a teenager, so last night was a bit like being reborn, wrapped in Noah’s long fingers, pink lips, and intoxicating scent. I decided I desperately needed a cigarette, so I quietly got up, grabbed a cozy sweatpants, and went downstairs with the cigarette in my pocket. I was proud of myself for managing to do all of this without waking Noah, and my good mood held up even when I went out onto the patio and realized it was a little chilly outside in sweatpants, a T-shirt, and no socks. 

Jesse soon joined me, two mugs of coffee in hand. I was surprised that he was already up, since it was only after seven in the morning, but I was very happy with the hot coffee and thanked him profusely. 

"The good thing about California is that you don't have to freeze in the winter if you go out for a smoke," he said, and he lit up too. I laughed softly and nodded in agreement as I sipped my coffee. "So you're spending Christmas here?"

I glanced at Jesse. I know he and Noah were good friends, but I didn't want to let anyone down. I couldn't read anything negative on his face, I just saw curiosity.

"Maya and I broke up, and the family will have a hard time fitting in at the holiday table anyway," I replied jokingly. "And as you mentioned, it's warmer here."

Jesse laughed, pushing back his wavy curls. 

"You and Noah seem to have drifted apart over the last few years," he said, leaning against the wall of the house. Even that comment couldn't dampen my spirits - which was actually completely true.

"We were just… living our lives," I replied. "Then I realized that he was more important than anything."

It might sound a little strange, but it was the truth. Jesse nodded and stubbed out his cigarette, then picked up his mug from the windowsill. 

"How do you feel, is Noah handling the sudden growth of the band well?”

I thought about this question and vowed to myself that I would talk to Noah about it. I was confident that if we were alone in the house, we would have time for that too, not just to take advantage of it, no one was within earshot. I had to bite my lip to keep from grinning like an excited little girl when I thought about it.

"If it's too much for him, he'll find a way to give introverted Noah space and hide somewhere he can be by himself.”

"And what do you think about the pressure? His maximalism sometimes… takes too much out of him, doesn't it? Of course, it's understandable…”

"Why are you asking?" I turned to him, because his questions seemed more and more strange. As if he wasn't just simply interested, but outright worried about Noah.

Jesse took a deep breath and let it out with a sigh. He could tell it was bothering him, but I stared at him intently, waiting for an answer because I needed to know what was going on.

“It’s just weird that he’s messing with guys,” he finally said. I was sweating profusely and silently thanking my ancestors for my darker skintone again, because I was sure all the blood had suddenly rushed to my head. A thousand questions raced through my mind at record speed. Were we too loud? Will Jesse tell everyone? What does he know about our relationship?

"So you didn't know either," Jesse continued worriedly, while I was still looking at him with huge eyes. What didn't I know?

“What… I mean, what do you mean?” I blurted out in a shaky voice, and to keep myself busy, I took another thread out of the box.

"Before Karin, there was that guy with dreadlocks. And last week, there was that librarian-looking boy, who had a really sweet smile and seemed like a good guy, don't get me wrong. I also want to make it clear that I have no problem with gay people, and I don't mind Noah being gay... or bisexual. It just occurred to me that he was doing it to suppress other, negative feelings inside himself, "Jesse explained worriedly.

I turned away from him, stared back at the garden, and took a deep drag on my second cigarette. I looked up at the sky. It would have been too nice if my morning hadn't started with descriptions of the guys Noah had been hooking up with recently, right? 

"Why don't you ask him?" I said to Jesse, not even looking at him.

"I don't know if it's a good idea. I don't want to upset him," he admitted after some thought. "I thought it would be better if I talked to you about it first, to see if you knew something or if you were just more knowledgeable about talking to him about such topics..."

I rolled my eyes. 

“I’m not a psychologist, and he hasn't shared much with me about your love life lately, so I can’t help you,” I replied, grumpily and completely dismissively. Jesse took the call because he didn’t ask any more questions, just continued to sip his coffee in silence. Of course I felt guilty, and when I turned to look at him apologetically, I saw Noah coming down the stairs and heading towards the terrace to join us. For a long moment, I forgot about the past ten minutes and could only think of his messy hair, his endlessly long legs, and his sleepy eyes as he came out to us in his underwear and a T-shirt. His arms immediately became goosebumped as he stepped next to me and slowly smiled at me. I remembered what it was like when his lips parted that night, I recalled the smell of him between his thighs, and by the time I could tear my gaze away from him, I realized I was completely screwed.

"Can I have some of your coffee?" he asked quietly, and I handed him the mug without a word. "Jesse, can we take you to the airport?"

Jesse… it finally dawned on me that we're not alone, and I have to pretend that last night only exists in my head. 

"Mike is picking me up early this afternoon, so it's all sorted, but thank you. I'll be heading to Leyla's soon, I'll have lunch with her today, and I'm already getting ready to take my suitcase there.”

That meant it was only a few hours before Noah and I would be alone. He probably thought so too, judging by the sideways glance I noticed over the coffee mug he still had in hand.  

“And what are you guys going to do here?” Jesse asked the thousand-dollar question. I had to be careful not to even look at Noah, because my eyes probably would have given everything away.

"We started a song yesterday, and I'd like to continue today if Nick is up for it.”

I just nodded silently, reaching for the mug to keep myself busy. Luckily, Jesse soon went inside to pack his things, so we didn’t have to pretend for long. I turned to Noah as soon as we were alone on the patio.

"You're going to be cold," I glanced at his arms wrapped around himself. I was so tempted to pull him closer, run my palms over his skin, and try to warm him up.

"Why did you leave me alone?" he asked, completely ignoring my concern. He wasn't being judgmental, he just wanted to know the answer to his question.

"Because I wanted to smoke a cigarette," I said.

"Try again," he tilted his head to the side like a puppy.

I knew that cheeky look. I laughed to myself and shook my head. I have no idea if it's possible to love someone more than that.

"You were awake, right?”

"Your erection has been pressing against my ass all morning," he said in a low voice, barely louder than a whisper. "How could I have slept?"

I swallowed hard, my gaze drifting from his sparkling eyes to his lips. 

"If I know you're awake, maybe I'll take you up on your offer from last night. You know, the one with that damn sexy mouth of yours." 

Jesus, it was both very strange and exciting to talk to him like this. Noah wet his lips barely perceptibly, and as I looked at him, it dawned on me why everything that was still completely new to me was so natural to him. At night, I naively thought that it was the first time he had discovered another man's body. How stupid I was! I should have noticed that there was not much hesitation in his movements, and that he knew exactly what I needed at every moment. I thought he just knew me too well, but it was obviously more than that. 

I cleared my throat to clear the lump of frustration and desire.

"Let's go inside, it's cold.”

The smile disappeared from Noah's face, and I saw the fear of rejection in his eyes. I closed my eyes for a moment and exhaled slowly. It's going to be okay, we'll figure it out together, I reassured myself before looking at him again, this time much less coldly.

"I know Christmas isn't your favorite holiday, but I'm sure you wouldn't turn down a little gingerbread.”

Slowly but surely, that little smile I love so much reappeared on Noah's face.

"When it comes to sweets, I'm persuasive," he agreed generously.

“I’m going shopping. Can I take your car?” I asked him, and he nodded. Sure, I could have offered to go with me, but I thought it would be good to have an hour or two alone to gather my thoughts and let go of any jealousy.

Noah and I went back to the house, and after a simple breakfast of cereal together, I headed to the store. The plan was that by the time I got back, Jesse wouldn't be there anymore and we would finally have a chance to talk. 

I was looking at the gingerbread recipe on my phone as I walked through the aisles. All I needed was the honey, and when I found it, I headed for the checkout counters, satisfied. I won’t say I had everything sorted out, but I was calm and ready to talk. As if Danielle could read my mind from so far away, she sent me a message at that moment.

So?? Did you clear things up?

I frowned. I suspected she wasn't referring to the kind of clarification Noah and I had been doing last night.

I'm on it - I wrote back quickly, pausing between the lines. 

If you need me, you can call me anytime <3 

I replied with a heart emoji, and as I walked on, I noticed condoms on one of the shelves out of the corner of my eye. I stopped dead in my tracks at the end of the line, clutching the basket. What the hell was wrong with me? It hadn’t even been half a day since I’d been paralyzed by Noah’s erection pressing against mine, and now I was thinking about buying condoms? I stared blankly for a moment, my heart rate already racing, then I turned around and threw the first cute little box into the basket. I bit my lip and read the flavors of the lube, telling myself that buying it meant nothing, that it didn’t obligate me to anything, but it was still a grown-up decision. It was only two days until Christmas, and after that, the only place we could get these things was at the 24/7 gas stations. I might have patted myself on the back for my foresight if there hadn’t been so many people in the store. As I walked to the self-service checkouts, with all the gingerbread-making and gay-sex supplies, I was already thinking about how Noah might be happy to get me for Christmas. He didn’t like the holidays, and I knew he didn’t want us to buy each other presents, but this was different… This was so different. I scanned the barcodes, then my credit card, and packed everything in a bag and headed out to the car. I didn’t head back right away, but I smoked a cigarette in the parking lot first, trying to shake off the excitement of the two small things lurking there next to the spice mix, eggs, and flour.

By the time I got home from the store, Matt had called me four times during the twenty-minute drive, but I didn’t answer. It wasn’t until I opened the front door and heard his voice coming from the living room that I began to feel that something was serious. Matt was pacing the carpet, and Noah was sitting on the couch, his elbows on his knees, his face buried in his hands.

“Why the hell can’t you answer the phone?” Matt snapped when he saw me in the hallway. I was so surprised by the welcome I just blinked, pinned to the floor. Noah finally took his hand away from his face and pressed his palm to his thigh. I saw him grab the fabric of his sweatpants, and I was increasingly afraid to continue. I turned back to Matt:

"I drove…”

"Yeah, and in your little world, they haven't invented the speakerphone and bluetooth yet?" our manager asked sarcastically.

"Matt, get the fuck out of here or I'll throw you out of the house!" Noah said in a menacing deep voice. "This whole thing has nothing to do with Nick, so don't take your anger out on him."

I walked closer to them, stopped next to Noah, and gently placed my hand on his shoulder, hoping that would calm him down a bit.

"What happened?" I asked from the angry Noah to the worried Matt. 

"Noah's girl created a story that deserves an award," Matt replied in a tired voice and slumped into the armchair.

"What kind of girl?

"Not my girlfriend," Noah said, staring at the pattern of the carpet.

"The one he invited to his hotel room, during the tour" Matt helped out. "I can't reach Folio, Jolly is on the plane to Sweden, so the three of us are left to sort this shit out.

I was starting to feel a bit like I was in a tragicomedy. After the previous day had been one of the best days of my life, I couldn't believe that everything could go so wrong so quickly, and it wasn't even noon yet. 

I sat down next to Noah on the couch, close enough that our knees and sometimes our shoulders touched because I was afraid for him. I just felt a protective instinct rising inside me, completely illogically ignoring the fact that we were both grown men now, and I wanted him to feel that I was with him. And anyway… the two of us could handle anything.

[aurorafables]

From the Grey, Chapter 13.

Hi everyone! So here is a little spicy chapter to start the week well ;) Enjoy!

“Nick, look at me for a bit, please,” he begged softly, and his voice sent shivers through me. I slowly opened my eyes and blinked at him. He was so close…he leaned over me, his breath fluttering my eyelashes and his lips parted slightly. Those beautiful lips…

Pairing: Noah Sebastian X Nicholas Ruffilo

Warnings: 18+, Explicit, Angst, Past character death, Suicidal thoughts

Tags: M/M, M/F, Slow burn, Childhood friends, Friends to lovers, Family drama, Band fic, Masturbation, Accidental Voyeurism, P in v sex, Hand Jobs

Word Count: 4.7k

Cross-posted: AO3

13.

At the airport I was greeted by a huge crowd a few days before Christmas. I got into a taxi, but when we put my things in the trunk, I was a little unsure. A large and a small suitcase and a backpack. I've been preparing for weeks, but what if something goes wrong and the atmosphere between us becomes unpleasant? I wonder what Noah will say when he sees me with the packages? He moved in with me twelve years ago with roughly half of this amount of stuff. I tried to push these thoughts into the background and deal with something else instead. When I took my place in the back of the car, I took out my phone and wrote Jolly a message:

I'm already at the airport in LA. You didn't tell him anything, did you?

I didn't. We discussed that this would be a surprise ;) - he answered almost immediately. Call me when you're here and I'll let you in.

I was excited as we crossed half the city. I don't know if it was a good idea to come here unannounced, but it would have been unnecessary to think about it. I got out in front of the two-story, white house, and after the air-conditioned taxi, I was almost slapped in the face by the warm December weather of Los Angeles. I quickly put my hair in a messy bun and unzipped my jacket. The driver unloaded my bags on the sidewalk and after I tipped him, he wished me a nice day and drove off. I rang Jolly's number, and after two minutes he ran down the stone steps to let me in. He was better prepared for the heat, wearing only a T-shirt with thinner sweatpants.

"Hello, Nick," he grinned and pulled me into a quick hug as soon as I entered the gate. “Long time no see.”

“You almost missed me, didn't you?” I asked, laughing.

"Almost, yes," he replied with a little mischief in his brown eyes. “But the one who missed you even more is inside.”

Jolly grabbed the largest suitcase from my hands and carried it up the stairs while I struggled with the backpack and the smaller bag. We packed everything into the living room, then Jolly nodded towards the door of a further room.

“Noah is in the studio. Jesse went shopping with his girlfriend, Orie is probably sleeping. He worked all night,” he outlined, and that explained why I hadn't met the others.

“Thank you for your help,” I told him gratefully.

"It's okay, you know I love you," he grinned, then turned his back and started towards the stairs leading to the bedrooms. “I'm going to go for a run, but I'll be back for dinner. Until then, settle here, with us.”

I nodded, then waited until he disappeared down the stairs. After that I took a deep breath and headed for the studio door. I don't even know what I was afraid of. Maybe from having a guest like in a hotel? Or because maybe he won't be happy for me? Jolly would have told about the first one, and about the second... Noah has been trying to talk with me in the past few weeks, and I've always been a bit dismissive of him. Not too much, but he must have sensed that I couldn't deal with his attempts to approach me. We slipped back to the level of when he was still together with Karin, and we drifted apart. I hoped that I could still make things right, because I absolutely did not want to push him away from me. I knocked on the door and when nothing happened I opened it cautiously. Harper, Orie's dog, was laying on the couch, but when she saw me, she excitedly raised her head and climbed down to come to me with her tail wagging. I took her smart head in both hands and caressed her thoroughly. Then I heard Noah's voice. He was sitting at the computer humming a tune softly with headphones on. He was lost in his little world, he didn't even notice I was there. His hair was already long enough to be tied in a small bun on the top of his head, and the late afternoon sunlight shining through the window dyed his locks reddish. Wearing comfortable clothes, he pulled one long leg up on the chair, leaned forward and rested his chin on his knee as he continued to hum so high that his voice trailed off a bit. I laughed to myself and heard him chuckle to himself. I no longer understood what I was afraid of. He was exactly the Noah I knew like the back of my hand. I stepped behind him and hugged him carefully, as much as I could because of the back of the chair. Noah froze for a moment, then took off his headphones and turned his head to the side. In the light I could see his freckles, the tiny birthmark under his eye as he slowly smiled, and I felt my heart fill with love. 

“Hello,” I told him softly and didn't let him go. I inhaled his scent deeply and brushed one hand over his tattooed arm.

"Hello," he said, and buried his head in my chest. “Is this a dream now? Did I work too long in the studio and fall asleep? Could it be that I actually fell on the keyboard and completely passed out?” he mumbled the questions into my T-shirt. I laughed and he laughed with me. I was wrong when I thought that we had drifted apart again, because it was so easy to find him again, as if the last few months had only been a few days. I think it was just a small step that I had to take, since I asked for time, and now that we're over it, everything will be a lot easier. At least that's what I hoped. I didn't make plans in advance about when I would sit down to talk with him. I didn't even know exactly how to bring up the topic. But none of that mattered, because as we hugged each other, I was sure we were going to make it. I wanted nothing more than to be near him.

“How do you get here?” he asked as I let go of him and stepped back a bit.

“Danni got bored of my company.”  I answered jokingly.

“Did she say that?” 

“No. But she hinted that she was going to a party and wanted to bring someone home,” I said.

“So… you boycotted her dates?” Noah raised his eyebrows, then got up from the chair and stretched out. I forgot my look on his stomach for a moment when his shirt was riled up, so I turned to Harper instead and knelt down on the floor next to her so I could give her a big hug too.

“I would never do that,” I mumbled, turning to the dog, while scratching the base of her ear. “Maybe I'm a little judgmental of the men who get close to my sister, but that's it. I trust she can decide what is good for her.”

“So, you're here because you have nowhere to go?” Noah asked further.

I rolled my eyes, then looked up at him.

“You know I have a place to go, as well as why I am actually here.”

Noah looked at me thoughtfully, and if I was being honest with myself, I understood. I wouldn't have been able to articulate it exactly either. But I was sure of one thing. I'm not going to walk on eggshells or deny that I missed him. 

“I want to spend some time with you before the tour starts.”

Noah smiled, seeming to like that answer much more. 

“That's good news. I'm writing a song and I need your help. Will you pick up one of the guitars?” he gestured towards the corner, where three guitars were lined up. Noah sat back in the chair, but I could see that he was watching me petting the dog with a faint smile from the corner of his eye.

I sighed dramatically and looked into Harper's big brown eyes.

“Can you imagine that, Harper? I only arrived five minutes ago and I already have to work.”

We spent nearly two hours in the studio, and even though I was tired, it didn't seem like more than half an hour. Jolly came to tell us about eight in the evening, dinner arrived, and only then did I realize that I was very hungry. Noah saved the projects, while I followed Jolly and my nose to the kitchen, where the hamburgers were already waiting. I was just stuffing a couple of fries into my mouth when Orie and Jesse walked down the stairs.

“So where has Noah been hiding you so far?” Orie asked, after a quick hug. “Jolly said you've been here since the afternoon.”

“He hid me in the same place as your dog. We were in the studio,” I answered, greeting Jesse as well.

“It's good to see you again,” Jesse patted my shoulder and sat down at the counter with a burger on his plate.

Noah led Harper out of the studio and the dog immediately ran into the kitchen when she heard her master's voice. Noah joined us and leaned against the counter next to me as he packed his plate. 

“How long are you staying, Nick?" Orie asked from the bar stool, and in the meantime I saw him handing a small piece of meat to Harper, who was waiting next to him with her tail wagging. “Will you still be here when we get back?”

He and Jolly wanted to leave the next day, and wouldn't be back until after Christmas.

“Um... I don't know. We didn't actually discuss how long I'd be staying,” I said sideways, towards Noah, with a large glass of Coke in my hand.

“Do you want to go home to your parents for Christmas?” he asked me. And here we come to the tricky part... Noah has spent many holidays alone in recent years. Too many times. I was usually with my girlfriend or family, Jolly also went home to Sweden to his parents, and Orie and Jesse usually spent Christmas with their loved ones. Noah always assured us that it was perfectly fine with him, the holiday just didn't mean anything to him, but somehow every single time a piece of my heart stayed with him, unable to accept that I would leave him alone on the holiday of love.

"I'd like to stay, if that's not a problem," I admitted, turning to Noah. Now that Maya is gone and I've been able to spend a lot of time at home with the family, I didn't see anything stopping me from staying with my best friend for at least a week.

Noah flashed his smile at me again, and that alone made it worth it for me to be there with him. As we continued to talk and eat, his arm kept touching mine, and there was a moment when I wondered if the others might notice that something had changed. I looked around and saw that no one was paying much attention to us, and of course realized that there was no change between us. We've always been like people who have grown together, now I'm the only one who feels the whole situation is different. Because the way his skin touched mine, causing minor discharges beneath the surface, existed only in my head. 

After we finished dinner and put the dishes in the sink, Jolly, Noah, and I decided to play some video games.

“Are you sleepy?” Noah asked after a while, when my reaction time slowed down so much that the enemy cut off before I could even fire a single bullet at them.

“I could fall asleep,” I answered with a yawn. I put the controller down on the coffee table and held out my arm. We were sitting on the carpet in front of the couch, Harper between us, and except for the TV screen, only a small LED light was on.

“It's almost 11 and I have to leave early in the morning,” Jolly got up from the ground. “I won't be back until two weeks later, so I'll say goodbye.”

I stood up as well, and Jolly pulled me into a reserved but affectionate hug of his own.

"I'm glad you came," he told me, then hugged Noah too. “Take care of yourselves. Not to set the house on fire and stuff like that!” he added jokingly, then headed upstairs to the bathroom.

The two of us stayed in the living room as a sweetly sleeping Harper. We looked at each other, Noah was waiting with his hands in the pockets of his sweatpants, and I nervously stroked my arm. 

“I'd like to smoke a cigarette before we go up. Will you go out with me?” I asked him.

“Of course,” he answered.

We didn't talk much as we stood outside on the dark terrace. It was all like the calm before the storm that surrounded me, and it was as threatening as it was exciting and expectant. Noah was leaning against the wall with his hands still in his pockets, his head tilted slightly to the side. The tiny hairs on the back of my neck stood up as I paced up and down, looking at the dark garden. When I smoked a cigarette, we started without saying a word.

“Is it okay if you sleep in my room? There will be more room tomorrow…,” he asked while picking up my bag.

“That is perfectly fine for me,” I answered him honestly as we started up the stairs with the luggages. "Not that it's that unusual," I added. Noah turned back for a moment and smiled faintly.

“Then I don't think it's a problem to have only one bed. I didn't expect you to come,” he said when I closed the door to his room behind us.

“Somehow we'll fit.”

I tried to be optimistic, but inside I panicked a little. I couldn't even imagine that I would be so close to him for a long time, if even the way our bare arms touched in the kitchen turned me on a little.

We unpacked our things, and first I went to shower because I definitely wanted to wash off the dust from the road, then Noah. At the end, we brushed our teeth together, smiling at each other in the mirror with white foamy mouths. 

I was already in bed on the pillow covered in the newly clean sheets under the extra blanket when Noah appeared with a bottle of water and began undressing in the orange neon light. I tried to focus on the article I was reading on my phone, but I realized I was reading the same sentence for the third time as I glared at Noah over the frames of my glasses. He stood half with his back to me and first he got out of his socks, then he got rid of his t-shirt, his sweatshirt and his underwear. I've seen him without clothes countless times and I couldn't understand how his tattoos and muscles could be more prominent now, and why I went crazy when he bent down and his vertebrae were visible from under his skin as he pulled a pair of comfortable boxers over his perfect butt. I swallowed hard and tried to focus on my phone, but it was all just a distraction. Only then could I breathe a little when he hid under the covers. At least I thought everything would be easier from there, but I couldn't have been more wrong. The natural scent of Noah's skin mixed with the shower gel, and if I could smell it faintly in his bed, when he was next to me, it was all that much stronger. Stronger and more seductive. 

Noah turned on the small reading light, pulled out a psychology book from his nightstand drawer, and began to read. Everything was the same as before, and yet so different. He pulled his legs up and his knees fell to the side, right on top of my thigh that was sticking out from under the covers. I inhaled and waited. My heart rate went up in about three seconds, although there was nothing unusual about it. He was just making himself comfortable, he had been doing this all the time. I also tried to continue reading, and it worked for a few minutes. I managed to convince myself that we were in our old bed, I just got home from the tattoo studio, and Noah from band rehearsal. But then he moved his legs again and his knees slowly slid up my thighs, burrowing under my covers. I didn't dare to move, although I don't know what I was afraid of. Maybe it's because it's procrastinating? Or by noticing what all this brings out of me? But I sure was glad to be somewhat covered up because my cock came to life as soon as his bare skin touched me. The whole thing was hell and heaven at the same time. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him bite his lip, and I was so distracted by it that I didn't even notice that one of his hands slipped under the covers and ran his palm over my thigh. I don't even know how I managed to suppress the small sound of surprise, or rather a whimper, that tried to escape from my throat. His fingers were already tracing my curve at the junction of my groin and thigh, and were getting closer and closer to my erection. I squeezed my eyes shut, and slowly and silently lowered my head back onto the pillow. Noah's hot hand disappeared from my leg, but I started to panic a little, because the next moment I felt him carefully take off my glasses. I probably failed. Probably now comes the part when he tells me in utter embarrassment and regret that I misunderstood the whole situation...

“Nick, look at me for a bit, please,” he begged softly, and his voice sent shivers through me. I slowly opened my eyes and blinked at him. He was so close…he leaned over me, his breath fluttering my eyelashes and his lips parted slightly. Those beautiful lips… Without thinking, I slid my fingers into his hair and pulled his head down to kiss him by the nape of his neck. Before he completely closes off from me, I need to feel him a little. When his lips touched mine and not long after our tongues met in his mouth, I was sure we wouldn't be able to be just friends again. We can't undo it, and I won't be able to forget that feeling, that taste in this life. We tasted each other as impatiently and excitedly as two teenagers, with the difference that we were both more experienced. Noah moaned into my mouth as I pulled him closer by the waist with my other hand that wasn't massaging his scalp. Our first kiss was completely devoid of careful groping, perhaps because we knew each other well enough. Or because we've wanted it for a long time. And then I began to hope that maybe he didn't see me as a simple friend either. Even through the blanket, I could feel how much he wanted me, and that and his teeth, which pulled my lower lip a little, completely blew my mind. I tried to pull the blanket between the two of us so I could feel it even more, I didn't care if I tore it in two, but Noah grabbed my arm and foiled my plan.

"Wait… wait a minute," he begged out of breath as he rested his forehead against mine.

"We've waited enough," I answered without thinking, because I felt just like a wanderer in the desert who finally sees the oasis, feels the life-giving water on his parched lips, the shadow above his head, and then the next moment he comes to himself and it turns out that it's all just an illusion. I licked my lips and I could still taste Noah. His locks glided softly between my fingers and I felt the movement of his back muscles under my other palm as he breathed deeply. Please let this be reality!

Noah giggled softly and slowly ran the tip of his nose over my nose and cheek, then lifted his head slightly so we could look into each other's eyes.

“We must be sure that this is what we both want. I'm afraid I'll mess something up. There's too much at stake and…”

I lifted my hips to silence him and to make sure he was going crazy with his proximity if he hadn't already noticed. Noah's eyes widened as my cock pressed against his belly, and as he swallowed, his adam's apple twitched violently under his tattooed skin. 

“Nick…”

I looked at him motionless when he said my name because I wanted the decision to be his too. One last chance to stop and decline for any reason. When his gaze slid from my eyes to my mouth, I already knew I had a winning case. Noah didn't stop me, in fact, this time he kissed me with such fervor that our teeth chattered, which made us laugh, but we didn't leave each other for a moment. His fingers brushed over my ribs, and mine were somewhere near his shoulder blade. Each touch caused a small electric shock and my whole body turned into a tingling mass. With a combined effort, I managed to first pull off my t-shirt, then remove the blanket from between the two of us, and I froze momentarily as his hard penis pressed against mine. I think that was the first point where the realization hit me that I was with another guy and I was fucking enjoying it. Noah noticed that my initial resolve wavered a bit, but I never thought for a second that I wanted to stop him. It was all too good, almost unbelievably perfect.

“Is everything okay?” he asked, showered my lips with kisses, while his eyes watched every little change of my face.

“Hmmm.” I mumbled into the silence of the room.

“We can stop anytime if it's too much.”

I shook my head violently, but Noah lifted his hips and sat on my thighs. I surprised myself with the desperate whimper that left my lips when I judged that there was too little physical contact between the two of us. I grabbed his legs, then tried to pull him closer by the waist, but Noah grabbed my hands, intertwined our fingers, and put my arms on the bed beside my head.

“I would like to give you pleasure," he explained, leaning over me. His eyes were staring at me darkly, his hair was falling forward, and his lips were shining brightly from our kisses. I nodded as Noah let go of my hands and straightened up. “Can I see you?” he asked in a raspy voice, hooking his fingers into the hem of my bottom. I nodded again and waited a little feverishly for him to undress. We had seen each other naked so many times, yet it was so different. I must have already soaked a small part of the material of my underwear, and compared to the fact that we were just kissing, I couldn't have been harder. I let out a shaky breath as he slowly began to pull my bottom down, and as he lifted off of me I raised my hips so that he could completely free me. Noah bit his lip and shamelessly stared at my crotch. I let out a confused, hoarse laugh because I was both embarrassed and blushing even more at the fact that he was watching, and the way he was staring at me with his head cocked to the side was so damn cute.

“So… are you going to do something with it or just watch?” I asked impudently.

Noah looked up and grinned. 

“Do you want my mouth or my hand?” he asked defiantly.

My breath stopped for a moment, and an image more erotic than a thousand erotic images ran through my mind. I didn't think that these little teasing would work so well between the two of us in this case, and it gave me a lot of confidence. I reached for Noah's hand and pulled it to my crotch.

“I don't think I could last more than half a minute in your mouth,” I confessed. Noah looked at me like a predator as his long, tattooed fingers closed around my cock. The sight was enough to make another dose of precum drip onto my stomach. I gasped as he began to move his hand, using the wetness as a lubricant. “The thing is... ahh... I'm not sure I'll last much longer anyway… fuck…” I muttered, turning towards the ceiling.

In the process, Noah realized that he could still occupy his mouth perfectly, and after digging his nose into my neck, his lips slid down to my collarbone. He alternated between kissing and biting, his hand continued to move up and down, sometimes stroking my glans, sometimes holding my balls in his grip.

"You smell divine," he whispered against my skin. "You're so fucking perfect…" he said in a broken voice, as he started rubbing my thighs. 

I felt that I didn't need much anymore. My cock wanted to explode, my legs were shaking, all my senses were filled with Noah's scent, the sound of his soft moans, the heat of his skin, it was too much, and yet... it was like I was standing on a rock, longing for the long-awaited flight, but I'd be a coward to jump too. As if something hidden in the back of my mind was preventing me from receiving satisfaction. I clung to Noah's shoulder, who was just covering my chest with kisses, and I moaned in pain. He reacted immediately, glancing at my face, then fixed his gaze on mine.

"I'm here," he said in a soft voice, and his hot breath caressed my mouth. His hands continued to pamper me at a perfect pace, paying more and more attention to the sensitive spot under the glans. “I feel how close you are. Do you like my hands on your body? Huh?”

As we looked at each other gasping for breath, the tingling got stronger and stronger starting at the bottom of my waist. His voice did wonders for me. The next moment I couldn't keep my eyes open, but at the same time my lips parted and my back arched. Noah latched on to my mouth, and I was immensely grateful for that, because that way I might not have woken the others. My moans were lost between his lips and he silently endured as my fingers dug into his back, searching for some kind of grip. The orgasm was overwhelming. My heart wanted to burst out of my ribs, and for several minutes it was as if I was floating weightlessly above the bed. Noah buried his face in my hair, then rolled down next to me, and I could feel him gently wiping my stomach with something. 

Then the pink mist slowly lifted and I lay back on the bed, feeling the heaviness of my limbs and how warm I was. What did we do? What happens next? I had so many things going through my mind. The thoughts came back to me and I tried unsuccessfully to put them in their place. But I was absolutely sure of one thing: I didn't regret a single moment of the past half hour.

[aurorafables]

From the Grey, Chapter 12.

Hello there! Now it didn't take that long :)

I looked up at her and shook my head helplessly.  “I've never been interested in a guy.” “Except him.” “Except him. But I don't even know when it started."

Pairing: Noah Sebastian X Nicholas Ruffilo

Warnings: 18+, Explicit, Angst, Past character death, Suicidal thoughts

Tags: M/M, M/F, Slow burn, Childhood friends, Friends to lovers, Family drama, Band fic, Masturbation, Accidental Voyeurism, P in v sex

Word Count: 3.9k

Cross-posted: AO3

12.

“I don't want you to go back on tour in January.” Danni hugged me so tightly that I could barely breathe.

The past few weeks have been too good. It's like we're still kids. For sure, the best thing I did during the break was to help Danielle move into a new apartment. I've had too much crap in the past period, and assembling IKEA furniture late into the night, flipping through our old photo albums, snuggling, and eating ice cream have all been good for me. We installed a shelf on the wall, on which family photos will be displayed.

“Chris will come over to help at any time, you just have to ask him.” I smoothed a strand of hair from his face while looking into a pair of greenish-gray eyes that were very similar to mine.

“Chris already has a fiancee. I can't ask him to sleep here and watch movies until night while we eat popcorn or ice cream,” Danni answered sadly. “And anyway... you were always my favorite brother, but don't tell anyone” she stuffed a handful of gummy bears into her mouth.

“I won't,” I answered laughing. I turned back to the wall and drilled the last hole we needed.

“And… What is it like without Maya?” she asked unexpectedly when I put the drill down. I turned to her, and it must have been written on my face that I was surprised by the sudden change of subject. She raised her hand defensively and I got the chance to steal a piece of gummy from her. “When you came home, you asked me to come back to this subject later. It's been two months, so…”

I lifted the shelf and adjusted it in the right place.

“Would you hold it while I screw it in?”

Danni took over the shelf from me and I got to work.

“In the first few weeks, it was strange that I didn't have a girlfriend. But I'm pretty used to it now.”

“So, in the past weeks, you didn't even miss Maya, but a random girlfriend.” Danielle remarked.

“I want to be honest with you. But that doesn't make me feel any less shitty,” I answered bitterly. “A huge stone fell from my heart when it turned out that she was not pregnant.”

“This is completely normal, you were not meant for each other. By the way, you said last time that you sometimes called each other since then. I just want you to remember that she scammed you with this child thing.”

I screwed in the third screw, thinking about Danni's words as I did so.

“You couldn't know what was going on until you did the test.”

Danielle snorted.

“Of course, she also accidentally forgot to take the medicine for weeks. Nick, let's be honest with each other… Maya tried to trick you with the age-old "I'm pregnant with your child" thing when she sensed that things were starting to go wrong between you two. There is nothing to beautify this.”

I might have pulled the shelf a little harder to see if it would hold. Then I started packing up the tools. 

“Maya almost kissed Noah before she got together with me,” I blurted out. “After the breakup, Jolly told me that,  when he was not completely sober. Of course, Noah didn't say a word about it for months,” I couldn't hide the disappointment in my voice if I wanted to. I turned to my sister. “I have nice friends, I can say.”

Danielle took a deep breath.

“I felt that there was something wrong with that girl” she shook her head angrily. “But I forbid you to fight with your friends because of it. It's not worth it, you hear what I'm saying?” she squeezed my arm tightly.

“Calm down, Danni, I can fix these things myself,” I took her hand and smiled a little. “I needed some distance from the others. I needed time with you.”

Really, it was a huge step forward that I didn't have to worry every day, every hour about how I really feel about Noah. Danielle distracted me, we did programs together or just enjoyed each other's company. Of course, then came the evening and the minutes before falling asleep, when my brain just couldn't turn off and started projecting memories with my best friend. A wonderful smile, a lingering touch, his closeness, his smell... And the control of my fantasies sometimes slipped out of my hands. I felt a little ashamed again when I remembered what I had done one night when Danni had gone out to have fun with her friends and I was alone in the apartment. 

Noah initiated the group call because there were some topics we needed to chew on as we prepared for our European tour earlier this year. The whole conversation promised to be dead boring, so I prepared myself a large mug of coffee in advance, settled myself comfortably on the sofa, and if necessary, I also added my thoughts to the given topic. Organization and measures were not my world, I was just waiting to play with the guys on stage again. For a while, everything went as usual: Noah said things and waited for our opinion. Or he just brought up something that he needed to make a decision about and was waiting for our help. We were talking about renting stage lights and Jolly was speaking when something interrupted the discussion.

“Ahh, shit! Fuck!” Noah moaned, and my arm got goosebumps from his voice. “Jesse, I swear I'll kill you when I'm done here!” he added a few seconds later. “Jesse decided to shoot me in the back of the head with a water pistol while we were talking,” he explained to us, but it was clear in his voice that he was not so angry and was already half smiling.

From then on, all day long I could think of nothing but that sweet, high voice. Maybe the two beers I had that night contributed to the fact that I didn't even try not to think about Noah in the shower as I ran my palm over my stomach and purposefully moved lower and lower. I could recall his voice from the shower as I unsuspectingly opened the bathroom door at the lake house and paired it with the moans on the phone, which was more than enough to make my cock hard before I even touched it. I let out a tortured laugh and turned my face to the ceiling, shaking my head as the water ran through my hair, patting the wet curls against my back. This is all unbelievable. It's like I'm a teenage boy who needs only a tiny little spark to ignite. I bit my lip and carefully wrapped my fingers around my cock because I was starting to feel like I didn't know exactly how my body was going to react when it came to Noah. I didn't want to end like in the house by the lake, lying on the wooden floor, not knowing about my world. I let my imagination run wild and at the end, when I said his name, I realized that it was perfect that way. Noah - it's all a sweet sigh that slipped out of my mouth with infinite ease during orgasm.

“Noah!” I woke up to my own desperate voice and reached frantically to the other side of the bed to feel the cold mattress. When I realized it was all just a silly dream, I sat in the middle of the bed panting, my heart beating painfully.

The knock startled me and I buried my face in my hands as I realized that I had probably woken up my sister. 

“Nick, can I come in?” Danni asked from the other side of the door. I raised my head to answer. Some light was already shining through the blinds, maybe it wasn't that early.

“Yes,” I answered weakly, and I saw how she stuck her disheveled head through the opening of the door.

“Is everything okay?” she asked, blinking at me with sleepy eyes.

“Yes, come in,” I invited again, and she finally entered the room. She stood by the bed, wrapping her arms around herself. I lifted the corner of the blanket a bit and that seemed to be all she needed because she immediately snuggled up next to me and let out a contented sigh as she successfully occupied one of my pillows as well.

I wanted to go outside to smoke, but I changed my mind, because as much as that dream upset me, it was good that I was no longer alone. 

“A bad dream?” She turned her face towards me. I also lay down facing her, pulled the blanket over my shoulders and curled up on my side.

"I had a dream that Noah was kidnapped by some crazy fans," I admitted because I was sure she heard me call out my best friend's name.

Danielle pinched her lips between her fingers, and her lost look made it look like she wanted to say something, but didn't know how to say it. 

“Nick, how long has this been going on?” she asked, getting my heart rate up again.

“What are you thinking?” I asked back and swallowed a big one, but the lump still remained in my throat. 

Danni sighed and closed her eyes tiredly.

“No matter what I think. Why don't you visit him if you miss him? You are no longer with Maya, there is no one to ask permission from.”

And I think that was exactly the problem. The gap closed between the two of us, and I was afraid that there was nothing that could stop me from doing something crazy when Noah and I were together again. Maybe that's why I pushed myself away during the last days of the tour. I was afraid of losing him, just like in my dream, which started with us hugging each other. I couldn't see his face, but I could smell him, feel the heat of his skin, and I'd never felt so safe as I did in that silly dream. Then suddenly more faceless people came and tore us apart.

I thought back to the day Noah decided he didn't want to live with me anymore. That he doesn't want to go to work with me anymore, he doesn't want to fight over which of us takes a shower first, he doesn't want us to sip coffee together on our day off tired, half leaning on the kitchen table, he doesn't want to listen to Contact with me before falling asleep, he doesn't want sleeping in a bed with me where we can snuggle to save on the heating… And he doesn't want to wake up next to me in the morning.

I was just making dinner for the two of us when Noah stepped out of the bathroom with his hair still wet and stood leaning against the counter. As he bent forward, he was almost lost in the black T-shirt he was wearing. I felt that something was bothering him that day, but I also knew that I had to be patient with him, and he would tell me anyway if I needed to know.

“Could you taste it, please?” I asked him, referring to the tomato pasta sauce. When he nodded, I took out a clean spoon and dipped it into the sauce. “It would be tastier with beef, but we didn't have it at home, so…”

"Nick, we need to talk," Noah cut in, and when I looked to the side, I saw that his whole face was gloomy.

“Okay, but first tell me if it will be good like this.” I gave him the spoon, maybe just to kill time. Noah finally tasted the sauce, then shrugged.

“I think it’s delicious… Why are you even asking me? You are much better at cooking.”

“Because the two of us will eat it, and if I guess correctly, you also have taste buds,” I answered and took the spoon from his hand, then turned back to the stove to sprinkle some more spices into the food. Noah just sighed, then sat down at the table and started typing on his phone. Meanwhile, I cooked the pasta, then leaned on the open window frame and lit a cigarette.

“You are in a bad mood all day. Is this what you want to talk about?” I cut in when I felt that if I continued, I would only prolong the suffering of both of us. Noah put his phone down and reached over to my cigarette case to take out a cigarette and light it. He only spoke when he flicked off the first batch of ash.

“I'm moving out at the weekend.”

I laughed at the strange feeling that shot through my chest. Noah looked at me confused with his brown eyes. A pained smile spread across my mouth and my limbs began to shake, probably from shock. But it wasn't as unexpected as it seemed. Noah had been looking at apartments for rent for months, but he hadn't revealed that he had found one for himself. I propped the window frame with my forearm—mainly to keep myself from falling to my knees on the pavement, not to try to look casual—and brushed my hair back from my forehead with the hand holding the cigarette. I didn't care if I set my curls on fire either. I was numb, desperate, and utterly mortified.

“On the weekend? And you're just saying now?” I moaned out my completely meaningless questions. Noah is moving out. Noah will no longer live with me.

“I... it only came out a few days ago, and you worked until the evening all week, then fell into bed dead tired. We didn't have a chance to sit down and discuss.”

I can't watch him sleep anymore. I can't listen to his breathing.

“This is important enough to sit down and discuss at any time. Even at night,” I muttered weakly.

Noah stubbed out his cigarette in exasperation and now it was his turn to run his fingers through his hair as he put his elbows on the table.

“Don't be angry... Until now somehow... I couldn't bring it up.”

I can't take care of him if he needs me… I won't smell him in bed…

“It doesn't matter. The point is that you found a good apartment.”

I also stubbed out my cigarette and stepped away from the window. I trusted that my legs would hold me.

"It's just acceptable," Noah snorted. “But finally something that I can call my own.”

I nodded, my smile finally genuine. I tried to put all my pain in the background, which was triggered by his announcement.

“I'm proud of you. You've worked hard to be able to do this.”

I went to the stove and grabbed the pasta to put on the table. While Noah was picking for himself, I went to the fridge and took out the wine I had received from one of my lovely tattoo guests as a token of his satisfaction. It didn't seem to be the cheap variety, and we'd had it for weeks, just waiting for it to come out on some big occasion. I closed my eyes for a moment and counted to three with the bottle in my hand. I can do it. This is an important moment for Noah, I can't let my selfishness come to the fore. I went back to him and poured some of the wine for us to toast with before dinner.

The night before the move, I woke up to Noah's soft sniffles. I thought he was having a bad dream, but then he snuggled up to me and hugged me like a koala. We were horribly hot and probably neither of us slept a wink, but we still lay huddled together as the first rays of dawn broke through the thick material of the blackout. 

When the band was formed, it gave us another opportunity to spend more time together, even though most of the time the guys were there with us. There was a short period with our first album when the five of us moved into a small apartment, where we pretty much lived on each other's backs with amplifiers, instruments and everything else, and it was obvious that this could not be sustained for long. Eventually, Jolly and Noah decided to move to California, and then we were no longer just a few streets away, but states. 

Just like that morning when I watched Danielle go back to sleep next to me in bed. I reached for my phone. Dad sent a picture of our song playing on the radio in the morning as he went to work. I smiled, wondering what they would say if they found out? What if my family finds out that maybe Noah and I are more than friends? I glanced back at Danni. We never said it, but we've talked about it so much that it's impossible for her not to know what's going on... but the strangest thing is that she wasn't even surprised by it and talked about it quite naturally every time. I decided there was no need to dwell on it. Maybe I'm just misinterpreting the whole thing. But I'm sure I'll have to find out somehow. 

I started looking at airplanes and decided not to wait until Christmas. I bought a ticket for the plane that left two days later, then quietly climbed out of bed and, after a quick shower, went to the kitchen to make ourselves pancakes for breakfast. 

Just Pretend soared and brought attention to the band. Our European tour was sold out weeks before it started, which resulted in many fans not even getting tickets. Since everything was booked well in advance, it was impossible to expand or reorganize the venues. As Danielle and I went for a Saturday afternoon coffee after lunch, two girls first stopped me on the street to take a photo with me, which until now really only happened at concerts and festivals where we performed. It was a strange situation, I was also a little tense, and I began to understand what Noah must be going through as our popularity grows. At the cafe, the waiter asked me which band I play in because he knows me from somewhere. He didn't ask for a picture, but noted that he loved The Death Of Peace Of Mind and wished us the best of luck going forward. And that was just one afternoon in town.

“I think you have to get used to this slowly,” Danni commented with a smile when the waiter went back to place our order.

“I will be forced to,” I answered, glancing towards the window. It was only four in the afternoon, but it was already dusk outside. “You know, this is the part I would leave out,” I looked at her. “But at the same time, it's so nice to see how happy they are with a picture.”

Danielle nodded.

“I'm proud of you, you're doing very well so far,” she tried to encourage. The waiter arrived with the requested coffees. “And now you tell me why you brought me here?”

I laughed, skimming the milk foam from my cappuccino. 

“Why can't I invite my sister for a coffee?”

“We could have made one at home. I have the most professional automatic coffee machine.”

“I wanted to go out,” I snapped at her. “I wanted to come here with you because you've always loved this place and... and I'm leaving tomorrow afternoon.”

Danielle raised her head and tucked a long strand of dark brown hair behind her ear as she grinned like a maniac. 

“You know I love you, but if you don't do it sooner or later, I'll take you to the airport myself and put you on the first flight to Los Angeles.”

“I needed some time to think things over,” I looked at her seriously. “It was especially good that I was away from them.”

Danielle nodded in agreement, then took a sip of her coffee and sighed in satisfaction.

"From him," she corrected. “The coffee is still divine here. And I understand you. Not so long ago you broke up with your girlfriend, with whom you had been together for almost a year, it is quite natural that you needed time. But the delay now seems more like suffering to me.”

“I don't know what he wants,” I muttered to myself while folding the tip of the napkin. “I might come back after a day or two.”

“Of course you don't know, maybe he doesn't either, because he's just as confused as you are. But no,” Danni shook her head, laughing. “I don't know Noah as someone who will put you on the street. And anyway… it would be quite outrageous after sharing your apartment with him for three years.”

“We don't know how things will turn out…”

“Nick, are you listening to me? For as long as I've known Noah, he always has been looking for you with his glance. He looks at you like you're his savior. And let's face it, you kind of were just when he needed a savior the most.”

“Doesn't it bother you?” slipped out of my mouth because I didn't understand.

“What exactly?”

I groaned and with a big sigh leaned closer to my sister over the table so no one could hear us.

“That 's about my best friend. That… that he's a… man,” I whispered through gritted teeth.

“Are you implying that why I didn't freak out that you're bisexual?” Danielle asked back, her big, gray-green eyes boring into mine. I just blinked and looked down at the table. “Because you're still my Nicky. Do you know that?”

I looked up at her and shook my head helplessly. 

“I've never been interested in a guy.”

“Except him.”

“Except him. But I don't even know when it started. Can I show you something?” I asked, driven by a sudden idea. “I need to know if I'm just imagining it.”

When Danielle nodded, I reached into my jacket pocket and pulled out the Polaroid photo I'd been looking at all morning to see if I could decipher it. The picture with Anne, my ex, and a sad Noah in the background who looked just like his heart was broken. I pushed the picture in front of my sister and anxiously waited to see what she thought. 

“Noah hated Anne from the bottom of his heart, and he never told me why. There was a possibility in my mind that he wanted her for himself, but… I just don't think so. My instincts don't tell me that.”

Danielle looked at it thoughtfully for a moment, then slid the picture back in front of me. A half-smile crossed her lips.

“If he feels just a small part of what he felt when the picture was taken, he will never let you go back to Virginia.”

[aurorafables]

From the Grey, Chapter 11.

Hey! I hope you will like this chapter :)

"It's all just… it's not me. We used to joke about this as two buddies. In the past, we would have teased each other without any problems. In the past, I wouldn't have wanted to carry him to bed while repeating to his lips that he is mine."

Pairing: Noah Sebastian X Nicholas Ruffilo

Warnings: 18+, Explicit, Angst, Past character death, Suicidal thoughts

Tags: M/M, M/F, Slow burn, Childhood friends, Friends to lovers, Family drama, Band fic, Masturbation, Accidental Voyeurism, P in v sex

Word Count: 4k

Cross-posted: AO3

11.

I woke up to someone knocking at the door. At first I was convinced that I hadn't fully awaked and that it was all just a weird dream, because why would someone bang Nowhere To Go on the door? But no matter how hard I tried to wake myself up, the noise just got louder.

“Nick, it's me!” Folio shouted, and suddenly the drumming made sense. “Open it, please.”

It was much harder to move than I thought. I almost fell off the bed and stumbled to the door with my shoulder against the wall. When I opened it, there was a bright light from the hallway. I pressed my forearm in front of my eyes and leaned against the door jamb, sure enough. 

“Good morning, Sunshine!” Folio greeted me with a wide smile.

“A little quieter, please,” I whispered, barely audible, because I had no voice.

“Can I come in?” Folio whispered back, and I just shrugged. A sudden backward turn was all it took for the whole room to start spinning around me. The sickness came like an express train. I made the short distance to the bathroom in much less time than I thought I could. I fell to my knees in front of the toilet and let out everything that was still in my stomach. Then I got sick again from the suffocating smell of alcohol and it started all over again. Folio held my hair back, which was really nice of him, because I had to hold on to the toilet seat to avoid falling into it. It finally got a little better, and I slapped my ass like a rag doll on the cold tile.

"Don't ever let me drink again," I looked deep into Folio's eyes, my voice still no more than a mumble.

“It's not like anyone could have stopped you yesterday,” he answered, and then jumped in about what happened the night before. I met them at the bar and it annoyed me that by then they were just as well off the alcohol as Noah was… I caught up to them quickly and probably overtook them both based on Folio's condition.

"I shouldn't have drunk so much," I said to the toilet roll holder.

“The fact that you broke up with Maya is a pretty compelling reason.”

I suddenly turned to Folio and, reading his face, tried to guess how much I had told them about what had happened yesterday. 

“Could this stay between us?” I asked hopefully.

Folio looked away.

“Unfortunately, we are already late for this.”

“What do you mean by that?”

"It's a good story, listen," he began cheerfully. “Matt went to you at noon because he thought you had fallen asleep. He knocked on Noah's room, and you can imagine how shocked he was when it wasn't Noah, and not you, but an unknown girl who opened the door with almost no clothes on,” Folio said, and he had fun imagining the situation. “So Matt sent the chick away after a system reboot and pulled Noah out from under the covers, then the poor boy got a nice cold shower. Matt was mad about the girl, and because Noah is in at least as bad a state as you are now… Then he walked up and down asking everyone in the crew where you might be. Be glad he didn't wake you up.” 

“I'm bursting with joy,” I rolled my eyes, which resulted in my head throbbing even harder. I carefully picked myself up from the ground. “Where are the others?”

“Jolly and Bryan are with Noah now, and I came to you.”

“And what did you say to Matt when he asked about me?”

“That you had a bad night because you broke up with Maya,” replied Folio.

“According to this, everyone already knows about it... “ I leaned against the edge of the basin with a resigned sigh. I turned on the tap and washed my face with cold water.

“Look on the positive side of things: this way Matt won't be so mad at you, and you're lucky because you don't have to sing tonight, unlike Noah,” he winked at me with a grin.

I put toothpaste on my toothbrush and started brushing my teeth hoping I wouldn't feel sick again while Folio put a painkiller on the nightstand that I couldn't thank enough for.

“Bryan said he would check in on you later. Also, you could save Matt a few gray hairs if you came down to lunch with us in an hour.”

“I'll be there,” I promised him before he left me alone, but after taking the medicine I was already leaning back on the bed. I closed my eyes, but my zigzagging thoughts and splitting headache wouldn't let me rest. Before I go down to the others, it wouldn't hurt to ask Folio what I told them. I squinted my eyes and tried to recall the night before when I arrived at the bar.

“The lost man!” Jolly greated me with open arms when he saw me. “Matt was looking for you everywhere.”

“He already found me, we ran into each other at the hotel,” I answered and sat next to him in the booth. I picked up the drinks menu and started browsing. “What are you drinking?”

“What not?” Folio asked back and raised his beer. The two of them had a good laugh about it, but I just kept reading the drinks, wondering where to start.

“Is everything okay?” Jolly asked, changing to a more serious tone.

I had already lied to two people when they asked something similar, and I was getting tired of having to pretend in front of my friends.

"Actually, nothing is okay," I answered in an emotionless voice. “But everything will be better after a few drinks, won't it?” I looked up at them hopefully.

"Maybe I screwed up," I told them after the umpteenth glass, when things started to get out of my control. “Maybe she didn't get enough attention from me…”

“And that's why she became a bitch?” Jolly snorted with a girl on his knee, who I didn't even know how to get there. Folio is long gone, and I suspect his disappearance may have had something to do with his consumption of the beer and the shots.

"Women tend to go crazy if they don't get enough love," the girl said, whose name I no longer remember. He didn't mind and kissed her as if I wasn't even there.

“You are a shit company” I muttered to myself, because probably no one was paying attention to me.

I looked around the place, which was packed with people even on a Thursday night. Folio said that you have to book a table on the weekend, there are so many people, so we were lucky that there was still a place for us. The music wasn't too loud, so we could have had a comfortable conversation if someone had wondered what happened to me... 

My eyes settled on a girl who was sitting at a nearby table with two of her other friends, and it wasn't the first time that our eyes locked. She was wearing a miniskirt with over-the-knee boots, and her hair was braided almost down to her waist. She smiled faintly when she saw me looking at her. 

“It's not your fault,” declared Jolly, and I turned to him surprised that he returned to our conversation from the girl's mouth. “Maya has already started quite interestingly, as far as I know…”

I frowned and drank the rest of the whiskey before all the ice melted. 

“What do you mean by that?”

“We'll discuss it at a more suitable time,” he glanced at the girl in his lap. I shook my head violently, wanting to know what he meant.

“If you started, finish it.”

Jolly sighed and gently patted her thigh.

“Would you mind leaving us alone for a bit?” he asked her. She nodded, and after one last kiss, she walked towards the bar. I looked impatiently at Jolly, who sighed again, shaking his head.

"I shouldn't have brought this up now," he said in a strong Swedish accent.

“There's no going back. What is it that I don't know about?” I leaned forward towards the table so I could better hear what he was saying.

“I just thought that you shouldn't blame yourself for the ruin of your relationship... Maya tried to hit on Noah, which is already quite unpleasant.” 

I just looked at my friend for half a minute and maybe didn't even blink.

“What did she do?”

“She flirted with Noah, almost kissed him. You weren't even together then…”  Jolly raised his arms defensively. “But Noah decided not to tell you, because we saw you were really into her.”

I laughed to myself as my soul, or my heart, or both, damn it, continued to crack under my chest. It hurt that Maya did this, but even more so that Noah wasn't honest with me. It's unbelievable how this evening could have gotten any worse, and I really could only laugh at the whole thing. Either that or complete madness. 

“Dude, I think it was supposed to be this way,” Jolly tried to reassure me, while looking at me understandingly from the other side of the table, but I didn't pay much attention to him anymore. I stared again at the girl with her long braid, because now she was alone, and while she was drinking, she kept glancing at me. Jolly followed my gaze. He shook his head, then put his hand on my hand to make me pay attention to him a little more. “It won't make you feel better. You're not like that.”

I would have liked to scream because he got to the point. A pretty girl might have been a good distraction, but I would have felt even worse afterwards. I glared at Jolly, who let go of my hand and leaned back in his chair. “You're an adult, it's your decision.”

“Fuck it. Fuck everything and everyone!” I grumbled under my breath, then I jumped up and cut through the crowd. I didn't stop at the girl's table, I didn't even look at her, but kept walking all the way to the bar. I don't remember much of what happened next, but I do know that I was stuck at the bar and kept refilling my glass.

Bryan arrived just as I was finishing my shower. I half-dried my hair with the hair dryer, then we headed towards the hotel restaurant. To be honest, I didn't have much of an appetite, my stomach still hadn't settled down, but I knew I had to pull myself together somehow by evening. As soon as we stepped out into the hallway, we met Steven and Matt. They both looked at me like someone had died, and then I understood why Noah didn't want to spread the word about breaking up with Karin. 

“Is everything okay, Nick?” Steven asked, putting his hand on my shoulder.

“I'll be fine,“ I patted his shoulder with a tired and not very sincere smile.

"If you get over the hangover, that's half win," told Bryan from the other side of me, which earned him a tongue out. Matt was strangely quiet, so I snapped at him. He was on his phone, and when I turned to Bryan with a question, at first he just shrugged.

"They had a bit of a fight with Noah," he muttered between the two of us as we let Steven and Matt forward at one of the doors. We were the first to arrive from the team and sat down at the big table. Jolly and Folio came shortly after us, and only one chair remained empty. I drank my coke more and more impatiently, looked at the time on my phone and saw that we had to go to the rehearsal in an hour. I sighed and leaned over Jolly.

"I'll go and get him," I told him, getting up from the table when Noah entered the restaurant. He was wearing sweatpants with a hoodie and sunglasses. He had probably just gotten out of the shower too, because the hair at the back of his neck was still wet. He turned towards us and just saw me sit back in my chair.

“Where did you go?” he asked me in a low voice as he sat down between Jolly and Steven.

“I thought I'd see if everything was okay with you,” I answered him, and in the meantime our lunch arrived, so we didn't talk anymore.

I was the one who finished eating the earliest and decided to smoke a cigarette outside while the others finished. I wasn't alone for long, and I didn't even have to look back to know that Noah had followed me out into the yard. 

"Danielle called me, she said she couldn't reach you," he began, looking into the distance with his arms folded in front of his chest. I wanted to see his eyes, because that way I couldn't decide what was going through his mind.

“I left my phone in my room because it was dead,” I said, staring at the road.

“Call her back because she seemed quite upset. Maybe she just found out about your breakup with Maya. “

I glanced at Noah from the side and saw how tight his lips were. As if you have a right to be angry…

“Did Jolly tell you?” I asked him.

“It doesn't matter who it was. I'm only sorry I didn't hear it from you.”

“I didn't have a chance to talk with you,” I answered him, but it annoyed me that it sounded like an apology, so I added: “I would have liked to, but you were busy last night.” 

Great... Now it sounded like a hysterical bitch said it.

Noah finally turned to me, even though he still had his sunglasses on.

“Why didn't you tell me?” he asked in a softened, almost worried voice.

I looked up at the sky and giggled in a scratchy voice.

“In front of the girl? Something tells me she was more interested in the size of my dick than my mental state,” I said sarcastically.

The muscles on Noah's chin tensed, but he had a solution for that.

“We could have a walk together. You are more important to me than that girl.”

For some reason, that sentence of his turned my anger on to such a level that I'm surprised I didn't shoot lightning with my eyes.

“And after that?” I asked him. I felt like the devil was inside me and I couldn't keep my mouth shut. “Shall we do that particular threesome thing afterwards? Would you like it?”

My anger evaporated as quickly as it had come. By the time I got to the end of what I had to say, soaked in poison, I wanted to punch myself in the face. I could only blame my idiotic behavior on the fact that I had a terrible evening, I was tired and hungover. Noah froze, then blushed, and I could almost hear the tension sizzling around him. I couldn't look at his face any longer, I felt embarrassed by my own stupidity. It's all just… it's not me. We used to joke about this as two buddies. In the past, we would have teased each other without any problems. In the past, I wouldn't have wanted to carry him to bed while repeating to his lips that he is mine. I took a big swallow and turned away to put out the burnt cigarette on top of the bin. When I turned back, Noah was standing right in front of me and I cursed his stupid sunglasses again for not being able to see his eyes. He grabbed my wrist, then pushed his phone into my hand. 

“Call your sister back. She's worried about you.”

His voice trembled as if he was overflowing with emotion, but even so it sounded firm and commanding. He went back to the restaurant and after a few calming breaths I did as he asked. I looked up Danielle's number and called her.

“Noah?” she asked excitedly as she picked it up.

“I'm Nick. Noah said you were looking for me,” I answered. She let out a tense breath, which made me start to worry more and more why she wanted to talk to me. “Danni, is there something wrong?”

“I talked to Maya. She called me and sobbed through the entire phone call.”

“Yes, we broke up over the phone yesterday. Just the way I didn't want to. It's completely understandable that…”

“No, that's not the problem,” interrupted Danielle impatiently. “She said she hasn't taken birth control for a few months. And that you have been together several times since then.”

I gripped the phone tightly between my fingers and the morning dizziness returned with renewed force. I crouched down and rested my back against a pillar. 

“Nick, can you hear me?”

"Yeah, I'm here," I mumbled in response as I stared out of my head and tried to slow my breath. “Do you think she's pregnant?”

This problem has so far been postponed since last night. As if everything wasn't messed up enough…

“I don't know, Nicky. Do you remember when was the last time you two…?”

It wasn't too hard to remember, because that's when I decided that I couldn't do this anymore.

“About a month ago, when she traveled to Vegas with us.”

"If she is pregnant, she should have known about it a long time ago," Danielle said, but her voice sounded uncertain. “If she suspects, she should have already taken a test.”

“Danni, now I... I have to prepare for the evening show,” I said while trying to push the despair into the background. Then in the evening, after the concert, when I'm alone, I'll have a chance to fall apart.

“Nick, listen to me!” she said firmly from the other end of the line. “Whatever it is, we'll solve it, you understand? Mom, dad and I stand by you. You are not alone. And remember, the situation is not as dire as it first seems.”

Her words brought tears to my eyes. A warning sign that I'm tired and a breakdown is too close.

“I know, and thank you. I love you.”

“Me too. Take care of yourself!”

I pressed the call end and leaned my head against the pillar. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed Noah watching from the door and I could tell he didn't know what to do. I think the reason why he was so insecure was because he hadn't seen me so desperate. I took pity and smiled at him, but my smile was more melancholy than cheerful. In any case, it was enough to make him walk towards me. I handed him the mobile.

"Thank you," I said softly, to which he just nodded. As he stood next to me, I continued to squat leaning against the pillar, he seemed even taller than he actually was, but I didn't mind. His height never bothered me, because under his tall figure and nicely shaped muscles, he was still the fragile boy whom I hugged every night so that he wouldn't have bad dreams.

"You don't look good," he said when I stood up. It was obvious that he wanted to talk, but lately it was unpredictable where we were going during our exchanges. Am I asking something stupid again about the girl from yesterday? Am I going to be hysterical because he was busy and I had to drown my sorrows in alcohol? Or is he just getting too close to me and I'm stuck between the pillar and his body while he stares at my lips and I forget to breathe?

I tried to put some life into my voice when I spoke.

“We have a show tonight. We have to focus on that now, after that... I don't know.”

Noah nodded, but at the same time he was scanning my face as if he could read everything from there. He was no longer wearing his sunglasses, we were both squinting in the strong autumn sun. I turned to go into the restaurant because I didn't know what to say to him. I didn't want to talk to anyone, not even him. But Noah grabbed my wrist as I was very determined about leaving, which for some reason hit me so badly that I yanked my hand out of his grip without thinking. I turned back to him and saw him looking at my hand, then at his own. His lips quivered and he couldn't hide how disappointed he was. I cursed myself because I was so tempted to hug him like I used to when something made him sad, but Danni's words echoed in my head. "There are times when you have to put yourself before others, Nicky."

I put my hands in the pockets of my jeans so as not to accidentally do something that I would regret later.

“Now I need some space. There's too much going on at the same time and... well, I want to be alone with my own thoughts,“ I tried to put into words my constantly crumbling psyche.

Noah watched for a while longer. Maybe he wanted to decipher it, because he couldn't really understand why I was so obviously avoiding him. I didn't really understand why either, but a subtle inner voice told me that I had to do this now. 

"If you need me, you know where to find me," he finally said resignedly. I couldn't have expected more from him, and I'm sure that my grateful smile showed how much his words meant. I turned around and walked in with the others. We had to leave for the rehearsal shortly, but luckily a coffee still fit in the time.

We played the remaining four concerts that week. Fortunately, time flew by quickly and I only noticed that I was on stage on the last stop of our North American tour. Noah put himself back into it and was in good spirits throughout, which I wasn't surprised about: Matt pointed out that our song Just Pretend had been trending on TikTok for weeks, starting an incredible upward wave in the band's popularity. All four of us were happy with the news, but Bad Omens has always been Noah's masterpiece, anyone can say anything. He was the one who constantly tried to keep the band alive, always came up with new ideas, and wrote the best songs and lyrics one after another. As we played our song Like A Villain, Noah's beautiful expressive voice crept into my consciousness.

"You need a new clean slate without the dents 

A place to put your pain, your consequence

When you look into the mirror, are you even there?

I don't wanna know all your secrets 'cause I'll tell

It's hard enough being alone with myself

I don't know how long I'll be holding on

How will I survive nearly 3 months at home? How am I ever going to handle not seeing him for so long? 

I know you tried your hardest, I know that you meant well

But you pushed me to the edge and I slipped, and then I fell

I don't know how long I'll be holding on"

Noah turned to me for a moment and smiled painfully. It was barely noticeable, just a stray glance, yet it was on my mind even as I was already at the airport hotel the next day waiting to fly home to Virginia the next morning. I took a deep breath and prepared the cigarette and the lighter on the bedside table. I knew I would need it later. Then I picked up my phone and dialed Maya's number. Time to clear some things up before I even attempt to move forward.

[aurorafables]

From the Grey, Chapter 10.

Hey :) I'm back with this story, and you may not have to wait so long for the next part.

Pairing: Noah Sebastian X Nicholas Ruffilo

Warnings: 18+, Explicit, Angst, Past character death, Suicidal thoughts

Tags: M/M, M/F, Slow burn, Childhood friends, Friends to lovers, Family drama, Band fic, Masturbation, Accidental Voyeurism, P in v sex

Word Count: 4.1k

Cross-posted: AO3

10.

The endless roads, sleeping to the monotonous sound of the bus engine, cities that change every day, crazy fans, flashing lights, staying overnight, brushing your teeth in the morning at a gas station, unhealthy food, playing video games until sunrise, the total loss of time, the chaos in your internal clock, Jolly's silly jokes, Folio and his hyperactivity, Noah's toothy smile, his voice after waking up, the smell of his hair when he rests his head on my shoulder exhausted... 

It was the enthusiastic roar of the audience that pulled me back to the present. I was standing on stage, Noah was talking to the crowd, and for a moment I completely lost touch with the outside world as I watched him. It can't become my routine when I'm in front of everyone. I quickly turned around with the guitar around my neck and bent down to get my water to get some time. I'm not a spectator now, I'm part of the band and I'm working, I muttered to myself as I took a few sips. I can call myself really lucky, because this and also the tattoo work are amazing, so I can't screw it up. The boys count on me. I brushed back my locks of hair from my face and looked up at Folio, who was smiling at me from behind the drums. I returned the gesture and turned back to face the audience. The show went on.

We played Too Close To Touch for the fourth time that week in Keaton's memory, but none of the times were as moving as that night. Noah's voice was full of pain as he sang a duet with his friend, who had already moved among the angels, and the few hundred people who witnessed him lay his whole heart out in front of them on that stage, making himself infinitely vulnerable. I watched worriedly, even though I knew he wouldn't break, he was much stronger than that. During the guitar solo, he looked back at me over his shoulder. Dark shadows fell on his face, his gaze became veiled and he looked at me almost pleadingly as his lips trembled. He shook his head barely perceptibly. Then he broke his gaze and walked over to the drums to take a sip. No explanation was needed, I just looked into his expressive eyes to guess what he meant. I have been in that place created by despair, anger and fear. When you are afraid of losing someone very important to you.

"Noah, the sun is slowly shining on you," I entered the room after I finished showering. I just pulled my jeans up, then knelt on the bed we'd shared for months and pulled out the blackout. "We have to go to the salon, otherwise Michelle will be really mad."

The boy lying on the bed was unaffected by my words. He pulled the blanket over his head, completely disappeared under it, and turned onto his side.

"Noah, doe, what's wrong?" I asked with furrowed brows, because it wasn't typical of him. Of the two of us, I was the one who hated mornings more, not him.

"I don't think I'm going in today," he whispered in the pile of blankets. “Will you tell Michelle I'm sick?”

I carefully pulled the blanket off his head. Noah blinked tiredly at me, his auburn hair spread across the white pillow and he was much paler than usual. Her pale freckles almost glowed on her skin and her lips were completely dry. 

“What's wrong?” I asked again, now full of concern. “Are you not feeling well?”

“I think I caught something, maybe when…” but he couldn't finish because he started coughing. I remembered that he was already coughing and wheezing the night before when we came up the stairs. When the coughing stopped a little, I ran my hand over his forehead.

“I don't think you have a fever. But there's antipyretics in the drawer if needed.”

"I just need to rest a little," he said quietly, because it seemed that even talking was too tiring for him.

I knelt next to the bed so that our heads were at the same level.

“You must promise to call if you feel worse.”

Noah smiled languidly, flashing his sweet, snow-white bunny teeth.

“Go to work, because Michelle is going to be mad,” he quoted my words. “And don't worry about me, I'll be fine. I'm not going anywhere,” he added, and his eyes were already starting to close.

We got off the stage before the last three songs and the first thing I did was hug him. I caught him unexpectedly, he froze for a moment in my arms. The microphone was wedged uncomfortably between our chests, my guitar lodged in my hipbone, we were both sweaty, but none of that mattered. We both needed this. We understood each other without words, and we assured the other without words that we were there for each other, no matter what happened. 

I remembered how scared I was when he called me. I just tattooed the calf of a nice woman, and left everything there without reason. I threw the tattoo machine on the small table, tore the gloves off my hands, and waved an apology to the guest, who fortunately was understanding because he heard our conversation. Noah was crying, gasping, and afraid he was going to die. He complained of constant sharp pain in his right side from his shoulder to his abdomen. And I called the ambulance because I knew it was a big problem. I heard it in his voice. I didn't wait for the bus at the two stops, instead I ran home as if my life depended on it. 

I arrived at our apartment together with the ambulances, I let them in. My hands were shaking as I took the key out of my pants pocket and panted frantically. Noah was still in bed, but in much worse shape than he had been when I left for work a few hours ago. He gasped for breath as if he was having a panic attack, but something told him it could be something more serious. The medical staff flocked into the small room and got to work. They asked when it all started, where his pain was, then they took his blood pressure and felt his abdomen. The doctor touched him with extreme caution, quietly trying to calm him down. I can't put into words how grateful I was that she was as careful with him as I would have been. She told Noah that it would be all right, and I clung to that catchphrase. An IV was inserted into his vein and one of the nurses said something about his blood oxygen level, but I didn't really catch it. They put an oxygen mask on him and decided they needed to take him to the hospital. I stood in the door of the room with my feet completely rooted, I didn't understand what the hell was going on. The doctor must have taken pity because she came to me while the others were putting Noah on the stretcher.

"Your friend is in a bad condition, but his life is not in danger either. Further tests are required, which we can do at the hospital. Where are his parents? According to his papers, he is only sixteen years old."

"I... he... he doesn't have parents," I stammered.

“Who is his guardian?” asked the young woman. It was half on my tongue that I was, but I quickly shook my head to get my thoughts in place.

“His grandparents.”

“Can you notify them?”

My eyes drifted to Noah's phone lying on the floor, then I nodded.

“I can call his grandmother.”

“That would make our job easier,” she nodded with an encouraging smile. “Can you gather some things for him while we take him in for examinations? Clothes, pyjamas, toiletries…”

“Of course.”

She nodded again, then looked at Noah, whose cough was muffled by the oxygen mask.

“Do you know if your friend has an eating disorder?”

“No, he… he was always so thin. He's under a lot of stress... he's always upset about something, but no... ,” I mumbled back and forth.

“Air may have entered the pleural cavity, because of this his lungs can't do their job properly, that's probably why he's sick” she told me, but I just watched Noah start to be pushed towards the door.

“Can I say goodbye to him?” I asked the doctor, who nodded. I walked over to the side of the stretcher and took Noah's hand, the one that wasn't pierced. His skin was covered in cold sweat, the mask fogged up in front of his nose and mouth with every exhalation.

“Everything will be okay, doe, I'll see you soon.”

Noah squeezed my hand and we let go and he was led out of the apartment. After a few moments, I was standing alone in the room, in total silence, and wrapped my arms around myself. I didn't want to cry. Then I realized that there was no one there to keep me strong. 

Noah ended up spending three days in the hospital, and his grandmother—whom I met for the first time then—helped arrange for me to be in with him most of the day. Maybe we had different views, maybe she wasn't a model grandmother, but at least she loved Noah, even though she didn't know how to express her feelings.

The crowd demanded an encore and Noah started squirming in my arms. I let go of him and watched as he stepped back with a smile and put his earpiece back on. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Folio and Jolly watching us, then as if I caught them, they quickly looked away. Jolly began to tune his guitar and Folio examined the toe of his shoe. 

"Let's play the remaining three songs," Noah said a little louder for the others to hear as Matt began the intro to The Death Of Peace Of Mind. He turned on his heel and strode onto the stage.

I climbed off the bus in downtown Chicago, in the parking lot of our hotel, with numb legs. I took a deep breath of the smog-filled air, then stretched my arms toward the sky. It was late afternoon, the sun was just setting, and people were on their way home from work. We usually started work at this time, but that day we had a day off. 

“Do you have any plans for tonight?” Noah asked as he stepped next to me.

“I don't think so,” I shook my head. “I'd rather just rest and such.”

“We must take advantage of the fact that we can sleep in a comfortable bed," he said with a smile.

“I think that's exactly what I'm going to do.”

“Guys, I still need to talk to the reception to clarify the reservation.”  Matt approached us with a tablet in his hand. “But twenty minutes, and you can occupy the rooms.”

“I'm going for a walk and I'll make a call,” I picked up my mobile phone. “Shall I return your hoodie?” I asked Noah. He gave it to me on the way, because after lunch I was sleepy and a little cold, and my own clothes were packed in my big suitcase.

“Will be okay later,” he answered and ran after Matt towards the entrance of the hotel.

I took a cigarette out of my pocket, lit it, and started walking towards the crowd flowing down the street. Maya had already sent several messages saying she wanted to talk, and something told me it would be best if the others didn't overhear this call. My plan was to sit in a cafe, in some quiet corner, but I ended up buying a hotdog from a street vendor and headed for the nearby park that I saw on Google Maps. I had to walk all the way to the small artificial lake in the middle to be able to make a phone call. Even the noise of the cars filtered in there. Maya answered the phone quickly, she probably didn't get home from work that long.

“Hello, Nick.”

“Hi, Maya. You wrote that you wanted to talk…”

“Oh... that was last night.”

I closed my eyes for a moment. I know she wanted to talk yesterday and I managed to ignore her.

“I was too tired after the concert,” I answered, which actually reflected reality.

“It's okay, it's not that important, it's just... I was thinking a little. About us.”

I leaned forward, my elbow resting on my knee. Maybe she will end up breaking up with me over the phone? It was strange that she didn't bring up the case, because I didn't call her back the day before. There was a short pause in the effect, which was so nerve-wracking that my feet began to squirm nervously on the gravel floor. 

“Will you tell me?”

“I was thinking that maybe a baby would be good for our relationship.”

I asked her to repeat it again because I couldn't hear her well. She said the same thing a second time while I looked out of my head with wide eyes. I expected something completely different. That she will fight with me. That she's holding us accountable for the fact that we haven't spoken in days. That she brings up, our relationship no longer makes sense. But this topic surprised me so much that I suddenly didn't even know how to react.

“This is very bad timing,”I answered her in an emotionless voice.

“And will there be such a thing as good timing?” she asked back. “Nick, you are thirty years old. Would having a child really be so weird?”

No, that wasn't the weird one. Rather, it never occurred to me that I wanted a child from her, but I was too polite to say that.

“It's not about how old I am. The band is soaring, and now it's taking up all my energy,” I answered her and started kicking the stones under my feet.

“Of course, because Noah needs to be babysat all the time.”

“It has nothing to do with him,” I answered, and it really took a lot of effort not to raise my voice. I was tired of her always bringing Noah up when something didn't go the way she wanted it to.

“So what? What are we waiting for?” she asked phlegmatically, which made me lose my composure.

I let out a laugh in agony that echoed through the trees like the laughter of a madman.

“Do you really wanna know what I want?”

“And you care what I want?” she asked back.

“You want to chain yourself to me with a child,” I said my thoughts because I couldn't hold it in anymore. “You feel that we are slowly moving away from each other, and you think that a baby can solve everything. Sorry, this is not working for me… our relationship has been screwed for months now.

I finally said the obvious, and it was as if a huge stone fell from my heart. I could breathe again.

“Do you mean that you want to break up?” Maya asked softly.

I took a deep breath and rubbed my eyes under my glasses.

“I'm sorry... I didn't mean to be so harsh.”

“You know what, Nick? Don't be sorry! You better fuck off! And I fucking hope I'm not pregnant with your baby!” she shouted, then she finished the call.

After that I sat and stared at the dark screen for several minutes. When I was already cold because the sun had completely set, I left the park and started walking the streets, thinking, did I screw up? In the beginning, everything was as beautiful as in a fairy tale. I felt like I was in love, but after a few months the feeling disappeared, like it wasn't really there. What happened in the meantime? I put my hands in the pockets of his sweatshirt because it was getting colder. It was completely dark and there were far fewer people around me. Was Maya right all along and is it all because of Noah? Because of my sick emotions that are starting to dominate me more and more? If it wasn't for Noah… no, I couldn't get into that thought, because that was enough to make my chest tighten painfully. I couldn't imagine my life without Noah. I was sure that if he wasn't there, I would feel like I was missing something…someone. 

I found myself with the pavement running out from under my boots as I made it to the shores of Lake Michigan. I didn't know how long I'd been walking, so I pulled out my phone to check the time. It was already past eight, which meant I was over an hour away from the park. I sighed tiredly when I saw that I had received a bunch of messages. I looked around the illuminated beach. A larger group of young couples and a group of high school students were nearby. I sat down on the sandy beach and opened the messages.

Jolly asked if I would like to sit with them somewhere for a drink, then sent the name of the place, which was finally chosen with Folio. And Matt asked if I was still alive, if he should call the police.

“Everything is fine, I just came for a walk,” I texted him back before he actually sent half the FBI on me.

When I read it back, I furrowed my brows. I hated to lie, but after all... it's not a big deal, no one kidnapped me. I just broke up with my girlfriend after ten months. This sort of thing happens, with some we decided after two years, some snapped without any signs, and I survived that too. 

"I fucking hope I'm not pregnant with your baby!" Maya's words echoed in my head. No, I don't need to deal with that right now. I tried to focus on the sound of the waves and the wind, and when I did, I imagined I was on the terrace of the house by the lake and Noah was with me. 

The next hour almost flew by, but then I started babbling while sitting still. It was 10:30 and I was thinking about walking or taking a taxi back to the hotel. When I saw that if I went purposefully, I would have to walk for just over half an hour, so I chose that. It took me another half hour to completely calm down. 

When I got to the door of the hotel, Matt almost pushed me, scooting out.

“Nick, finally! I wanted to talk to you," he began, leaving no room for words. “There is a problem with the rooms. And there was a question, would it be a big deal if you had to sleep with Noah? There is also extra bedding and a pull-out sofa. If you want to relax completely alone, it can be done, I'll tell the receptionist right away…”

“No problem, Matt.” I put my hand on his shoulder. “Leave it, I wanted to talk to Noah anyway.”

Matt sighed in apparent relief.

“Okay. It's great. Noah's room is… 326,” he looked down at the tablet in his hand. “I'm sorry, Steven just arrived, and only then did it become clear that there were fewer rooms.”

“It's really not a problem,”I reassured him with a tired smile as I walked past him through the photocell door. “Sleep well!”

“You too!“ he shouted to me and started towards the parked bus.

I entered the elevator and pressed the button for the 3rd floor. When I reached the top, I easily found door 326. I have slept in so many different hotels, motels that finding my way around was no problem. I knocked on the red oak door and it only occurred to me that I didn't know how I was going to start when Noah opened the door. Should I cut right through the middle? Maybe it would be best…

But when the door opened, I couldn't even speak. A girl with jet black hair was standing in front of me in a skimpy baby blue top and black lace panties that were so see-through for even a fleeting glance that I had to catch my eye. She had a glass of champagne in one hand, while the other was leaning against the door next to her head. My first thought was to walk away amid profuse apologies and call Matt because he must have given the wrong room number, but then she spoke.

“Hello, Nicholas.” Her voice was like concentrated sugar, only much more nauseating as she blinked at me with her big blue eyes.

“Do we know each other?” I was completely shocked.

“I know you, but you probably don't know me.”

In the next moment, Noah also appeared next to her, in a string of underwear, with wet hair, and slowly everything made sense. She snuggled up to his side and wrapped her arms around his waist. 

I smiled in embarrassment and shook my head. The evening became more and more interesting, and I gave up trying to follow the events.

“I’m so sorry..”

“Nick, are you okay?” Noah asked. I heard in his speech that he also drank a lot of that particular champagne.

“Of course, I just... wanted to return your hoodie.” another lie, but I didn't even count anymore. I locked eyes with my best friend for a while. I was sure he knew I wasn't telling the truth.

“What if he joins too?”  the girl turned to Noah, interrupting the moment.

At first I wanted to laugh at the absurdity of it. It slowly dawned on me that she might be a fan of ours, that's why she knows me, and I remembered how upset Noah was when I innocently flirted with a girl who was at our concert, long before Maya. 

I felt burning stares on me and turned to Noah in disbelief. They both looked at me like merchandise that could be bought. 

"Unfortunately, Nick has a girlfriend," Noah finally said, grinning at her. “Although you’re right, he's the only person on Earth I'd be willing to share with.”

I felt nauseous for the second time that night, first during Maya's call, and then there, standing in the hallway of a hotel, staring alternately at Noah and his one-night stand, who was barely wearing any clothes and who he'd probably picked up at the bar in less than an hour. I wouldn't be surprised if they had been through several rounds. I wanted to end this conversation. I've never felt so uncomfortable around Noah. I pulled the hoodie over my head and pressed it into its owner's hand.

“Have a nice evening!” I forced a smile and immediately turned around. I heard Noah whisper my name, but I pretended not to notice.

I went down to reception and couldn't be more grateful when they got me a room in ten minutes. Matt wouldn't have been happy if he knew I booked it in my own name, but it didn't matter. Noah brought a girl here, who could talk about where we were on social media anytime between sex. 

I went down to the bus to get my things, then unpacked in the room and fell on the bed. As I stared at the ceiling in the light of the bedside lamp, I realized that this was not going to be good. If I want to quiet my thoughts, I have to go somewhere much louder. I sat up and took out my phone, then opened the messages. The place where the others boarded was barely ten minutes away from the hotel. So much walking can't hurt. I unzipped my suitcase and looked for my denim jacket, then I checked that I had my wallet, ID and mobile, cigarette with lighter, complete with the room card. Don't go anywhere, ten minutes and I'll be there - I wrote to the shared chat, and I was already out the door, trying to gather my hair into a messy bun on top of my head.

[aurorafables]

From the Grey, Chapter 9.

When he entered the room I was in, a wave of happiness washed over me and I immediately smiled like a moonshine. Smelling him when he leaned over to whisper something in my ear gave me goosebumps… And when I saw him changing before or after the show, I couldn't turn away and my face burned when he caught me.

Hey! The summer is almost over, I hope you had a nice one :) Wish you a pleasant read on the new chapter. 😊 Let me know what you think about the story.

Pairing: Noah Sebastian X Nicholas Ruffilo

Warnings: 18+, Explicit, Angst, Past character death, Suicidal thoughts

Tags: M/M, M/F, Slow burn, Childhood friends, Friends to lovers, Family drama, Band fic, Masturbation, Accidental Voyeurism, P in v sex

Word Count: 4.1k

Cross-posted: AO3

9.

The next day was hell. Plus, it was just so hot that while we were drying on the sun in the middle of the fucking desert, I felt like I was burning in the fires of hell. There were so many people everywhere I looked, and the noise just added to my starting headache. I wiped the sweat dripping down my temple with the palm of my hand as Maya continued to drag me around the amusement park. She was about to talk me into the third roller coaster when I decided enough was enough. “This is not a good idea,” I shook my head and stopped next to the line where she wanted to enter. “I don't feel well, I'd rather sit somewhere cool.” “Nick, stop ruining the party!” she said to me disapprovingly, as if I were a child.

“It's hot, I'm thirsty and I want to rest a little. If I go with you, I'll probably throw up my breakfast.” Maya looked at me as if I had already thrown up on my white t-shirt. “Do you want me to go alone?” “I don't want to, but I feel like it's not my decision.” She couldn't believe I was feeling bad, I could see the accusation in her eyes. And I was tired of proving it to her, so I turned around. Maya didn't come with me, she got in line and I felt her disapproving gaze on the back of my head as I walked away. I went into the nearest cafeteria, and after sitting down in the air-conditioned room, I finally breathed a sigh of relief. The highlight of my day was when I saw that they were selling ice cream sundaes, so as soon as the server came over, I ordered a banana sundae and a bottle of water. My phone vibrated on the table so I picked it up and looked at it. I thought Maya wrote, but Folio sent a picture to the band group of them spending the day by the pool with the boys. I smiled when I saw Jolly and Noah shooting Steven with water pistols in the background. I was a little jealous that I couldn't be there, because it was clear how much fun they were having. I too would have liked to splash in the pool in this unbearable heat, but when my ice cream cup arrived, I made peace with the situation a little. Even though I couldn't know what mood Maya would be in.

Barely five minutes passed when two arms wrapped around me from behind and soft lips were pressed against my neck. I took a deep breath, smiled and kissed my girlfriend's arm. "I'm sorry for being so stupid," she said as she walked around me and sat down across from me. “I just… I want to take advantage of the little time I can spend with you alone.” Again the explanation, the fluttering of the eyelashes, the sweet voice and the flirtatious look. I looked down at the remains of my half-melted ice cream and a pained smile spread across my face. “I respect that you can apologize. Really, it's a huge thing, not many people are able to do it,” I looked up at him and looked into her dark eyes. “But it would be even better if we didn't get to the point where an apology was necessary.” I thought this would be the end of this argument and we could both finally enjoy the day, but Maya surprised me. I saw her face darken, her delicate doll features disappear, replaced by bitterness and anger. "You don't know what it's like to sit at home while you're on the other side of the world with the person who's just waiting for the opportunity to take you away from me," she said in a choked voice. I blinked and when I opened my mouth to speak, no sound came out. My throat tightened and I could hear my heart pounding in my ears. "You don't have to say anything," she shook her head. “I don't want to force you into a situation where you have to lie to me.“ Maya opened the small menu with the ice creams and looked up smiling. “I will order a Chocolate Heaven.”

When Maya flew back to Virginia, I chewed on her words for days. After the concert, I took a shower, washed my hair in the venue's bathroom, and then changed into a comfortable sweater and went to the parking lot. The others were playing video games at the front of the bus, and I was lying on my narrow bed in the back, staring at the ceiling, which was uncomfortably close. Sometimes it felt like it was trying to squeeze me. It's unbelievable how much I was blabbing to Noah about how bad his ex was affecting him when something similar happened to me and Maya in the meantime. At some point, we started hurting each other under the guise of love, and I had no idea if there was a way out of this contagion. And if that wasn't complicated enough… there was Noah. We have become as close again as we were during his bad time a few years ago when he needed help. Maybe even closer than in the old days, when there was no one but him and me and the tattoo salon where we worked. I was happy that the distance had turned into the opposite, but at the same time I didn't really know what to do with the emotions that were swirling inside me unstoppably. It felt too good to hug him. If I lost sight of him even for a moment, my gaze was already looking for him everywhere. When he entered the room I was in, a wave of happiness washed over me and I immediately smiled like a moonshine. Smelling him when he leaned over to whisper something in my ear gave me goosebumps… And when I saw him changing before or after the show, I couldn't turn away and my face burned when he caught me.

I couldn't believe that a man could have such a great influence on me. It was unbelievable that my best friend, who I've known for so long, has such an effect on me. I picked up my cell phone, looked for my earphones under the pillow, and did something I'm not really used to. I opened a video sharing site and searched for our band. I started a video from the audience and tried to focus on Noah. I wanted to know what people were seeing from the outside… where the huge interest that was growing around him was coming from. Why the messages and comments he gets are getting more and more starved. I tried to look like I was an outsider, like I didn't know him since he was a child. I also tried to abstract from the fact that I was always attracted to women. When I heard the opening notes of The Death Of Peace Of Mind and the red spotlights started flashing, my fingers moved almost on their own to catch the notes, I had the lyrics in my head, and then I reminded myself that I wasn't the bass player of the band anymore, just a viewer. Then Noah appeared in his faux leather shoes, his fabric jacket, his only glove, and began to sing as if he were a siren from the depths of the endless turquoise ocean.

I made another mistake, thought I could change Thought I could make it out Promises break, need to hear you say You're gonna keep it now

I miss the way you say my name The way you bend, the way you break Your makeup running down your face The way you touch, the way you taste

When the curtains call the time Will we both go home alive? It wasn't hard to realize Love's the death of peace of mind

You're in the walls that I made with crosses and frames Hanging upside down For granted, in vain, I took everything I never cared about

Folio also joined the drums. A few seconds later, we also appeared with Jolly, and Noah continued to do what he does best: charming the audience with his voice and his delicate movements.

I miss the way you say my name The way you bend, the way you break Your makeup running down your face The way you fuck, the way you taste

I don't know if there's a more desirable way to pronounce the word "fuck" than he did. I rewinded to that part three times and felt like a perverted lunatic. I've heard him sing countless times. I've heard this song at least a million times, and Noah swears at least twice as many times. What was different now? Why was this all so…addictive?

You come and go in waves Leaving me in your wake You come and go in waves Swallowing everything

Noah and I finally dove under the waves as my arms got goosebumps and I had to swallow. Noah raised his arms high and clenched his gloved hands into fists as his entire posture tensed as if the ethereal being he had been had suddenly turned into a destroyer. After all… no one claimed sirens were friendly. There was no more need for seduction and magic, he had everyone in his grip, it was time to show his true self.

Are you satisfied? Love's the death of peace of mind Mind, mind

I smiled and mouthed the lyrics, which were much more humming than singing, but I didn't have time to listen to the song any longer, because someone pulled the curtain of my bed and I was so startled that my phone fell on my chest, and then on the bed next to me. Jolly watched with a grin as I grabbed the earpiece and suddenly tried to sit up, which resulted in my forehead hitting the bottom of the bed above me. “Ouch” I pressed my palm on my head. “Did you watch porn?” he asked laughing, as if my misfortune was the funniest thing in the world. Then he noticed my phone next to my thigh, on the screen of which we were still playing, and he looked at me confused. “Everybody has a secret fetish, right?” “What do you want?” I asked, not at all kindly, while stopping the video. “And why did you snap at me like that?” “I said your name, but you didn't react.” Jolly raised his hand defensively. “I wanted to know if you were still alive.” Soon Noah appeared by my bed, followed by Folio. Like they're disaster tourists, seriously…

“What happened?” Noah asked worriedly as he looked over at me. “Do you still have a headache?” “More precisely, again, because I managed to hit my head with your bed,” I answered with a grunt, then I hung my legs and leaned out into the corridor. “I think he will survive,” Folio turned to Jolly and began to pull him back to the game console by the arm. “Noah gives him a healing kiss, he's out of the game anyway,” he added with a grin, before they closed the door separating the bed area behind them. So I didn't have a chance to speak up to them, but I still held up my middle finger towards the closed door. Noah watched the scene with a smile, then sat down next to me. He was wearing the star shorts that he loved so much, but the material had worn out and looked gray instead of black. I remembered that on the previous tour he had to sew it up because it tore, but he pricked his finger once during the process and he was whining as if he was not tattooed from head to toe. I smiled at the memory, to which he turned to me with curious, dark eyes. “What is it?” “It's unbelievable how much you can stick to your old things, “ I poked his thigh with my finger. “You know, you're already a famous rockstar, you could definitely afford a new pair of pants.” "These are my tour shorts," he declared with a comical frown. “Don't make mean comments about it, please. By the way, if I'm already famous, should I change my friends too?” he nudged my arm now. “The whole band,” I nodded with feigned seriousness. “And of course the crew members as well.” “And you're still Steven's favorite?!” Noah asked indignantly. “Or maybe I just have the most innocent look,” I looked at him, blinking slowly, fluttering my eyelashes. The playful grin disappeared from Noah's face and was replaced by a half-hearted smile. “Josh said it's half an hour and we're leaving. I thought you were happy to go out for a cigarette break before bed.”

“So I'm not so angry anymore because Jolly was startling me,” I said while leaning back, turned on the small lamp, and tried to dig out the lighter and the pack of cigarettes from the pocket of my hoodie thrown at the end of the bed. Noah leaned back too, propped up on his forearms, and as I stretched to reach for the stuff, our faces were suddenly very close. I grinned in confusion and tried to retreat to my own space with the cigarette already in hand, but Noah's fingers slid into my damp hair at the back of my head. I felt his hot breath on my skin, while I didn't even dare to breathe. It took a while for me to find him staring at my forehead. He smoothed a strand of hair from my face and I felt his fingers burn. "It's not look dangerous, but a therapeutic kiss never hurts," he said softly, and then looked at me questioningly, as if waiting for permission. When did we need permission to kiss each other innocently? “So what are we waiting for?”

Noah leaned down and I automatically closed my eyes as his soft lips touched my forehead. I felt him smile before he leaned away from me. His eyes glinted mischievously in the half-light. “I lied. The wound actually looked terrible.” “Ahh, I knew that my brain was showing a little too,” I went into the game with feigned seriousness. “Exactly. Completely crushed.” “At least as much as a pumpkin-flavored baby food,” I nodded. Noah burst out laughing and could hardly continue what he was saying: “But the point is that thanks to my healing kiss, everything is fine now.” “I have no idea what would happen to me without you.” Noah shrugged and stood up from the bed, looking back at me for a moment. “You should probably go out for a smoke now, alone, with a mushy brain.” I found my glasses, grabbed my jacket, and followed him as if I were his shadow. "Love's the death of peace of mind" . I have never felt the lyrics so related.

“There's something wrong, isn't it?” Noah asked a few days later in an unexpected moment when we were walking back to the bus with coffees in hand. “I see you chewing on something.” I shook my head in disbelief. How could I have thought I could hide my feelings from him? “I'm considering breaking up with Maya,” I blurted out what I hadn't really admitted even to myself. Noah's jaw tightened and he stared off into the distance. “It's not good for either of us to be apart a lot, and… and anyway, I don't feel the way I used to.” “I thought you solved what you talked about in the summer,” Noah said after a little silence. I wanted to know what he was really thinking, because his face and voice were completely unrecognizable, but he didn't stop, he kept walking on his long legs, and I followed him down the sidewalk. “For a while it seemed so.” “When we were in Vegas, you were like a honeymoon couple.” “Maybe it looked like it from the outside, but in fact…” Noah stopped in front of me and I bumped into his elbow and almost spilled Folio's latte on him. He turned to me and took a deep breath.

“Nick, you and Maya have been together for almost a year now. I'm sure you can discuss it. You shouldn't make such a hasty decision.” I furrowed my brows because I wasn't expecting that. Honestly, I have no idea what, but maybe Noah will be… a little bit happy about the news? I snorted and shook my head. My reaction spoke to both my own naivety and his instructive tone. “Thanks for the support,” I said with a bitter taste in my mouth, then I continued on my way. Noah, of course, took a big step forward. “Hey, I just…” “You just what?!” I stopped and turned towards him. Noah lowered his eyes and thin lines appeared on his forehead. People grunted and avoided us as we stood there with paper coffee cups in our hands. The monotonous sound of the street was broken by the siren of a passing police car as I waited for Noah to continue. “Tell me that I'm not the reason,” he begged, looking into my eyes, when the police car drove away. “Please. The last thing I want is to ruin something good in your life.” I hated that our hands were full of coffee cups when I wanted nothing more than to touch him. It was unbelievable how wrong Maya was about him, and I would have liked to rub it under her nose, but what would be the point? I stepped to the side of one of the buildings to get out of the chaos, and Noah followed me as if we were connected by an invisible cord. He stared at the ground again and nervously shifted from one foot to the other. “There's only one reason for it all: I don't love her anymore, as heartless as it sounds,” I admitted, and I was actually a little ashamed of it, but I knew that's how it works. I simply couldn't find my other half, my soulmate in her. "We're going home next week," Noah said. “I'm just asking you not to break up with her in a message. Maybe you can still talk.” I didn't believe it, but I nodded at Noah's request. He smiled, but I could see a thousand thoughts running through his mind. I wanted to untangle it all and decipher it, but maybe I should have sorted it out in my own head first.

Maya ended up making my plan impossible. She went away with her friend, so we hardly had time to sit down and talk together, even though I spent more than two weeks at home. It's not like I minded being with my parents and siblings, but I was getting more tense every day because I couldn't see her. At one dinner, I even yelled at Danielle because the ketchup she wanted to put on her plate got splattered on my shirt. So I was not surprised that after finishing the meal, she followed me to my room without question, where I slept while I was with them. “What the hell is wrong with you?” she pushed my shoulder. She knelt on the floor and reached under the bed, where retrieved two cans of beer. I looked at her approvingly. “Mom would be freaked out if the little ones found it.” "They didn't find it, and now we're going to drink it so they can't find it later," she winked at me. "I left it here last time I slept in this room," she said, then plopped down on the bed, handed me one of the beers, and pulled the covers over us. I tilted my head to the side and smiled. Pleasant memories of our childhood flashed for a moment. Danielle and I were barely two years apart in age, so it's not surprising how well we got along. I sat down next to her and I also hid under the blanket. I didn't know where to start. I didn't even know how much I wanted to tell her, but I thought it would definitely be good to pour my soul out to an outsider who is still a very important part of my life.

"It's all a bit confusing right now," I began with a frown as I pulled my knees up and rested my chin on them. Danni waited patiently for me to continue. “Maya and I… it's not working between us anymore.” I expected Danielle to be surprised, freaked out, but I was wrong. I turned to the side and waited for her reaction. Her face showed that she was thinking about what she just heard. "I already saw on you that there was a problem in the summer," she finally said with a sigh, explaining why my announcement did not come as a surprise. “I wanted to talk to her, but then she left with his friend, and I don't want to ruin her vacation, so I'll wait.” Danni sighed and rested her head on my shoulder. “I could have guessed, because I know you too well.. But there are situations where you have to put yourself before others, Nicky.” I would have been angry at her for trying to educate me, but her voice was full of concern and care. “I can't break up with her over the phone.” “If there is no other solution, maybe you can do it anyway… but I understand why you say that. Is there anything else?” she looked up at me with big, curious eyes. I opened my mouth, then closed it. After that I tried again because there were few people I trusted and Danielle was one of them. “There is someone… who is completely confusing me.” “Confusing you? What do you mean by that?” “I don't know what this somebody wants. Which is strange, because I know this person well… maybe even better than I know myself.” Danni lifted her head from my shoulder and we locked eyes for long seconds. I was the one who gave up first, brushing my hair back in confusion. Have I revealed too much? How transparent can I be about who I'm talking about?

“Let's approach the problem from the other side,” she said finally. “What do you want?” “Now that's totally…” “Nicholas! Don't say it's unimportant!” she said to me fiercely. “You are not in this world to please others.” She was right, but I still looked at her a little grumpily. I sighed dramatically, then closed my eyes for a moment. “Let go of what others want. Just let it go. Come on, you can do it!” "I want everything this person wants," I said as I opened my eyes. "Even though I don't know what it is," I laughed at how stupid everything I was saying sounded, but Danni still looked at me seriously. "That makes no sense," I muttered in defeat and took a sip of the beer. “Not true. What you say makes a lot of sense,” she declared with a small smile. “And if you think about it, I think you too will realize what this means.” I bit my lip and finally tried to get my head straight. It took Danielle's patience and encouragement to even try to understand the feelings and thoughts accumulated in me. And what I found inside… made me both happy and desperate. “Okay. But how much ahead will I be when I find out? What should I do anyway? There is also the small thing that I don't want to let go of what is between us right now with this person. I'm afraid I might lose everything,” I admitted, poking my fingers nervously.

“You get much further if you admit your feelings to yourself. And what should you do? I think you know exactly that, since you just said it. That's how we started the whole conversation,” Danielle shrugged, then leaned in and planted a kiss on my cheek. “Focus on one problem at a time.” She got up from the bed and headed for the door. “Will you come over to my apartment tomorrow? I have a date tomorrow evening and I need some advice on what to wear.” I rolled my eyes, but of course there was no question that I would be there. I usually couldn't give much advice, but I was happy to give my opinion if she showed me a set, and anyway… We both benefited from each other's company. I needed a little break from my own thoughts, and there couldn't have been a better option than spending the afternoon with Danielle. I froze the other topics for a while.

[aurorafables]

From the Grey, Chapter 8.

“Your girlfriend is having fun with your teenage photos,” Noah looked up at me when I stopped next to them. His face reflected confusion, hiding the question why I gave the photos to Maya. “Okay, there's nothing to see here.” I tried to take the photos out of Maya's hand, but she chuckled and pulled them away and continued flipping through the stack. In most of the photos, I was with my friends, but at least in every second photo we posed together with Noah. Making funny faces, hugging each other, snuggled together, lying next to each other in the room and the bed we shared for months…

Hey everybody! I hope you have a fantastic summer so far. 🌞 So in this chapter the things get even more complicated with the arriving of Maya. 🤯 I hope you will like it 😊

Pairing: Noah Sebastian X Nicholas Ruffilo

Warnings: 18+, Explicit, Angst, Past character death, Suicidal thoughts

Tags: M/M, M/F, Slow burn, Childhood friends, Friends to lovers, Family drama, Band fic, Masturbation, Accidental Voyeurism, P in v sex

Word Count: 4.9k

Cross-posted: AO3

8.

The tour started soon, and Noah already began planning the winter tour on the first day on the road, on which we will perform as the headliner band. Between two concerts, they talked with Matt for hours, and I could see that he was enthusiastic and full of ideas, but he was getting more and more tired. He refused to go out drinking with the guys in the evenings, citing that alcohol is not good for his vocal cords, and he didn't bother to play video games either. He spent most of his days on the bus or in the hotel room, showing up for rehearsals and right before the shows, but other than that we hardly saw him. He gave his best every night, after he said goodbye to us dead tired and we didn't even want to ask if he was going to the city with us, because it seemed much more important that he could rest as much as possible.

We had just checked into our hotel rooms in Vegas after rehearsal, and as soon as I dropped my things on the floor, my legs took me to Noah's room. I heard his room number at the reception, he was only two doors away, so I didn't have to go far. I knocked on his door and a few seconds later he opened it in comfortable clothes, a shirt and a pair of shorts. He was a little surprised when he saw me. "Oh…" he said thoughtfully, but with a smile on his face. “Oh?” I asked with raised eyebrows and crossed my arms in front of my chest. “You weren't expecting me, were you?” He shook his head laughing and opened the door for me. “I ordered food a few minutes ago, I thought it was already brought," he explained, and after closing the door, he climbed onto the bed next to me and leaned against the headrest. Crossing his long legs at the ankles, he pulled the laptop onto his thigh, put on his glasses, and studied the monitor. “I'm trying to put together intros for the winter tour.”

“Um…” I nodded thoughtfully. I sat next to him, I also stretched my legs comfortably and let my upper arms and shoulders press against his. “You know, sometimes you can come out to have a dinner with us, ”I told him cautiously, because I didn't want to lecture him, just hint that we missed his company. Noah gave me a sideways glance, then took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes. “The past few days have made me a bit… tired,” he admitted, which I could already see in him. “But I feel I have to move on with things. You heard what Matt said. Our popularity has skyrocketed again… and it's sick, Nick.” At the last sentence, he smiled widely, and his eyes shone with pride. “But at the same time, you feel that the pressure is also greater on you,” I added quietly, because maybe not as much as him, but I also felt the change on my own skin. Noah turned back to the laptop and shrugged. “I don't just feel it. It's happening.” I couldn't and didn't want to argue with that. The room service chose this moment to knock, and since I was sitting closer to the door, I already jumped to open it. I thanked for bringing the food up and sat back on the bed with Noah's hamburger and fries. He opened the paper box of the burger and immediately handed it to me, but I shook my head. Nevertheless, I stole a few from the fries, and while we ate, I watched him work. Everything was calm and quiet, it reminded me a little of the days spent together by the lake, which I missed just a week later. The food was slowly running out, and Noah was spinning less and less. When I looked at him, I saw that he could barely keep his eyes open. I glanced at the clock. “I let you rest. I have to go to the airport for Maya soon.” Noah saved his work, then closed the laptop and placed it on the nightstand.

“Will you stay here as long as possible?” he asked with apologetic eyes when I was about to leave, but he turned away from me right after. “I'll probably fall asleep soon because… lately the nightmares have returned and my nights are terrible. It would calm me down if I wasn't alone, at least until I fell asleep.” I could see he was embarrassed as he ran his hand through his hair as a side activity and avoided my eyes. “Why didn't you tell me about it?” I asked worriedly and immediately jumped back on the bed. “I've been seeing you for days that you're tired, but I thought it was just because of the tour.” “Nick, I'm an adult,” he answered with a confused smile while biting his lip. “I have to solve my own problems. I can't keep shoving them down your neck.” "But I want to help," I said desperately. I sat down across from him and said the words slowly because I wanted him to understand and remember them next time. “You are important to me, and I only feel good when you are good too. Your problems are a little bit mine… What's mine is yours. And the reverse is also true,” I recalled the phrase we had been saying to each other for so long. Noah shook his head with a smile, then his eyes wandered to the bed covers and he sighed softly. He looked up at me from under his eyelashes as he spoke. “You know what? I'm so lucky to have you here for me.” At first a silly smile appeared on my face. Starting at my neck, I felt the heat, and I was really grateful to my complexion for keeping my blush a secret. "You're really lucky, but…damn, you always find a way to embarrass me," I said with a smile, fiddling with the seam of my pants. "I'm not even forcing myself," Noah answered impudently, but I was glad that his eyes were sparkling again. He lay down on the bed, pulled the pillow under his head and turned on his side to face me. “Can we listen to that song like we used to?” I didn't have to ask back, I knew immediately what he meant. I took my phone out of my jeans pocket, searched Spotify for As Cities Burn, and handed him one of my wireless earbuds. He smiled at me gratefully.

Hearts aren't really our guides. We are truly alone. 'Cause God ain't up in the sky, Holding together our bones.

As the sounds and words filled our thoughts, banishing all other distractions, Noah's eyes slowly closed, his breathing evened out, and his face completely relaxed. The magic still worked with the song, it took about five minutes and he was already asleep. It was like white noise to a baby. I watched for at least half an hour, watching every movement on his face, but then I had no other choice, I had to go. Before that, I took Noah's cell phone in my hands and set an alarm so that he still had plenty of time to get ready before showtime, then one last look at the still sleeping figure and I stepped out into the hotel corridor.

The show that night went exceptionally well. Noah looked fresher, he communicated much more with the audience, which of course everyone loved, and I kept looking for Maya's face in the audience with a big smile. At the airport, when we hugged each other, her familiar scent crept into my nose, and all I could think was that now everything was falling into place. I have my girlfriend with me, Noah is visibly better, the band is flying and the faces of the fans are shining. I tried to banish to the back of my mind the last, depressingly suffocating days we spent with Maya two weeks ago, as well as our lake trip with Noah, and it was in my mind that next time I should take Maya with me to the lake. Noah would certainly have no objection to it, they had gotten along well before. We went off the stage, high with adrenaline, and almost immediately I was in Maya's arms. I adjusted the guitar to the side so it wasn't in the way, and as she stood on her tiptoes to kiss me, I put my palm on her waist to hold her a little. I felt the alcohol on her lips and realized I could use a cold beer too. We walked hand in hand backstage so I could put the instrument to safety. My hair was sticking together at the nape of my neck from the sweat, so the first thing I did was put it in a bun on top of my head, then I turned back to Maya.

“I saw you had a good time.” “Just like you up there,” she leaned her head on my chest. We stood there for a while, hugging each other, talking quietly while the others got busy, and after a while Jolly came up to us. “So, the others and I thought that a little night time swim in the hotel pool, accompanied by some alcohol, would be damn good. If you want, and really only then… of course, I also understand if you prefer to lock yourself in the room and not come out until tomorrow noon…” - Folio laughed and Noah smiled as he changed his shoes while sitting on the sofa, and I rolled my eyes “but if you do, we are waiting for you.” I turned to my girlfriend and kissed her forehead softly. “You decide,” I whispered in her ear. I promised that we would be alone while she was there, and I didn't want to break that, unless she planned otherwise. Maya nodded at the idea almost immediately. “I'm getting ready, a little swimming sounds great,” she looked up at me, blinking sweetly. And so our evening program was already decided.

Maya went ahead to the boys while I freshened up a bit in our room and grabbed a pair of swim trunks and a towel. When I got down to the outdoor pool, the smell of pizza greeted me. Whoever ordered it, I was terribly grateful. My stomach grumbled hungrily at the delicious smell, but I didn't go to the table because I noticed that Maya and Noah were sitting next to each other on a sunbed and were laughing a lot at something, so I headed towards them first. Next to both of them is a huge glass of cocktail with a colorful straw and small paper umbrellas. Matt arranged for the pool and bar to be opened just for us. In the last couple of months, I started to feel the positive sides of fame and money, but I knew very well that the imaginary balance would be completely balanced with the dark side. Maya was looking at polaroid photos and I immediately remembered that these were the photos that Noah had found in his closet when we were in their house before the tour and had given them to me. Maya probably found them in my bag.

“Your girlfriend is having fun with your teenage photos,” Noah looked up at me when I stopped next to them. His face reflected confusion, hiding the question why I gave the photos to Maya. “Okay, there's nothing to see here.” I tried to take the photos out of Maya's hand, but she chuckled and pulled them away and continued flipping through the stack. In most of the photos, I was with my friends, but at least in every second photo we posed together with Noah. Making funny faces, hugging each other, snuggled together, lying next to each other in the room and the bed we shared for months… In one of the photos, I was standing next to his neck, and it's possible neither of us was sober, but an unpleasant feeling came over me. Noah moved to the adjacent sunbed, so I sat next to Maya and tried to take the photos again. It felt weird and I didn't want her to watch them anymore, but what was even weirder… I felt like certain moments caught in the photos were just for me and my best friend.

“What's wrong with you? You guys were so sweet!” Maya burst out laughing. To her loud laughter, Jolly also climbed out of the pool and stood behind us staring at what was so interesting. “Hey, the water is dripping from your hair on my back!” I said nervously to the Swede, for which he just shook his head like a dog. "Someone is very grumpy today," he said with a soft chuckle after I held up my middle finger to him. Finally she got to the polaroids that were taken at house parties, there were a lot of us, and I thought I could breathe a sigh of relief. But in the next picture, a girl was sitting half on my lap on the sofa, we were kissing at the party, obliviously forgetting about the world around us, and Noah was staring at us from behind not far from, glass in his hand, half lost in the darkness. My hands were gripping her bottom and probably neither of us knew we were being photographed.

‘Who is she?” Maya asked, holding the straw between her lips. "Anne, a mutual friend of ours…" I told her. Noah also noticed the name. He turned his head to the side and we looked at each other for a moment. “Friend, huh?” Maya pushed me with her elbow. “We drank a lot at that party and… we were together for about two weeks,” I answered defensively. "I like her hair," said Maya, stroking the picture along Anna's long, red hair. "But I see, you weren't the only one who was crazy about the girl," he added, glancing up at Noah, who was staring at the photo pointed at him with wide eyes, as if he too was surprised that it was among the others. “It's a good thing that the little affair didn't ruin your friendship.” "Yeah, luckily…" I muttered as I looked at Noah's sad face in the picture. Then I looked up at him and tried to figure out what had changed and what had stayed the same. He clenched his jaw and stared ahead as I studied his face. I compared him to the barely eighteen-year-old boy in the picture. His childhood charm had meanwhile turned into something dangerous, his hair had since become much shorter, but his eyes, those dark eyes, shone with the same desperation as in the photo, when he noticed that I was paying attention and our eyes met. He looked away scared, as if I had caught him on something. Meanwhile, Maya put the photos down and reached for her drink, and Jolly cleared his throat behind us. I completely forgot that he was there.

“Starving. I think we should hit the pizza before Matt and Folio gobble it up, guys,” he said, as if sensing the growing tension between the three of us. I glanced at him gratefully and even forced a smile. "Great idea," I said, smoothing my palm over Maya's bare thigh. “Shall I bring you some too?” “I already ate,” she answered, while carefully putting the pictures back in the envelope. Jolly and I went to the pizza boxes on the table, and as soon as I took a slice, I folded it in half and started eating. I didn't even taste it, I just chewed, then swallowed the bite, and in the meantime I looked at the two terribly important people for me out of the corner of my eye. They were no longer talking, just sipping their cocktails and staring at the pool. I wanted to know so badly what was going through their minds. Noah seemed a little withdrawn because of the photos, and Maya… Maya seemed completely unrecognizable.

“Cheers!” Folio pressed a glass into my hand when I ate the slice of pizza, and he immediately toasted his own glass to mine. I could see that he was no longer thirsty, and he immediately headed towards Noah's to offer them too… more precisely, to push the drink into their hands. Without thinking, Noah pulled it off and rinsed it with the cocktail, and Maya placed it on the small table next to her. I went back to my girlfriend and put my drink down next to hers. I didn't want to drink it, I felt like all control would slip out of my hands if I did. I refused to think about what I was really afraid of. Maya and Noah joined Jolly in the pool, and I sat on the sunbed watching them. I lit a cigarette and went deep into my thoughts. I was too tired after the concert and honestly, I just wanted to hug my girlfriend and sleep without having to set an alarm. But Maya clearly had other plans. She climbed out of the water like a goddess, and I just caught Jolly's gaze as he peeked at my girlfriend's bum. I couldn't be angry with him for a minute, I just smiled to myself, because I was never the jealous type, and the boys were like my brothers. Maya picked up her towel, spread it over herself, and sat behind me on the bed, resting her chin on my shoulder. I got goosebumps as her wet bikini bra pressed against my back, but I didn't complain for a minute. It was enough to make me forget how tired I was and remind me that we hadn't been together in over two weeks.

“I'm glad to be here with you,” she whispered as she snuggled up to me. I turned to the side and kissed her. I smoothed one palm over her leg and squeezed it possessively, holding her neck with the other and pulled her closer to me. My fingers massaged the back of her head and as she covered me with the big towel, things started to get hotter and hotter. Maya's small hands caressed my stomach, which was soon replaced by claws, and then her fingers traveled all the way to my swimming trunks. As we continued to kiss and Maya was almost sitting on my lap, I opened my eyes to see Folio slumped over on a bed far away, Noah and Jolly still in the pool and Matt going up to his room after pizza to call his girlfriend. . In principle, they couldn't see us, but… When she pressed her hand through the pants to my erection, I couldn't help but let out a soft moan, and it made me realize that we should definitely be alone. “Let's continue this in our room, okay?” I asked out of breath when I pushed my girlfriend away from me so that we could get some air. It was sweet how her wet, waist-length hair stuck together in strands, her chocolate brown eyes sparkled a little more from the alcohol, and her lips reddened from the kiss. She was sweet and fucking sexy. "Okay," she said slowly as she climbed off the sunbed and held out her hand to me, which I immediately accepted. We quickly cut through the corridor to the elevator, where we fell into each other again. I pressed her against the wall of the elevator, grabbed her bottom, and she dug her fingers into my hair. She didn't seem to notice when the door swung open with a tinkling sound. I smiled into the kiss, then reluctantly took a step back and dragged her towards our room.

“I'm going to make the bed wet with my hair,” she complained, as we entered the room completely tangled, tripping over each other's feet. “I have an idea,” I told her between two hungry kisses. I fell on the bed first, and when I pulled her on top of me, she understood what I wanted. We smiled at each other and the smile was soon replaced by a moan as she sat on my hip. I freed her breasts from her bikini top, but we were both impatient to take off our bottoms. Her skin cooled in the pool, I could feel it as I stroked her thighs, but when I pulled the bikini bottom to the side and my finger traveled the familiar terrain between her legs, the heat at her entrance completely blew my mind. I raised my hips, pushed my pants down a little, smoothed my palm on her waist, and the next moment I was inside. When she started to move, I felt all the tension slowly leave me and I was sure that everything was going to be alright.

It was almost three in the morning and even then I couldn't fall asleep. Maya was lying on my chest cooing sweetly, her hair still wet but her cold bikini no longer on. I replayed the events of the evening in my head, because something didn't let me rest. Noah's face as we were looking at the polaroids… and what was on my mind finally popped in. I completely forgot about the photos and left them downstairs by the pool. I would have jumped up immediately, but I didn't want to wake Maya, so I carefully slipped out of her embrace and placed a pillow under her head instead of my shoulder. She whimpered a little and turned over to her other side, but it seemed I had succeeded. I put my swimming trunks back on and headed for the stairs because I didn't want to run into anyone at the elevator. I thought I wouldn't find anyone at the pool this late, but I was wrong. Jolly was sitting on the sun lounger with his legs crossed at the ankles playing something on his phone when I arrived. He looked up at me sleepily, then grinned. “You don't need to rub it under my nose that a sexy girl is lying in your bed,” he told me. I frowned, not really understanding what he meant. “I came for the photos. I forgot them downstairs.” "Oh, the photos," he nodded, then focused on his phone again. I looked towards the pool and only then saw Noah. “What is he doing? Has he been in the water since then?” Jolly looked up at me again, then shrugged. “He was out when his glass needed to be refilled. I think he's playing Patrick from SpongeBob right now.”

I picked up the pack of cigarettes and an ashtray I had left by the sunbeds, then headed towards the water, keeping an eye on Noah the whole time. He lay on the surface of the water like a giant starfish, all legs and arms in every direction. He didn't even notice I was there, he was staring at the sky and his ear was under the water. I sat down on the edge of the pool, dangled my feet in the water, and waited patiently. I didn’t have to wait much, because he sensed almost immediately that I had disturbed the otherwise mirror-smooth water surface. “Are you back?“ he asked as he swam out next to me with two arm movements. His voice was a little halting, his movements hesitant. “Left the photos here,” I answered him. Noah nodded and held onto the edge of the pool with his hands. “Why did you want her to see them?” he asked me. Part of me was glad he brought it up, because I wanted to tell him the truth, but another part of me… would have run away from the conversation. “I didn't want to,” I said honestly as I lit the cigarette. “She probably found them in my bag.” After a moment of thought, he nodded again. “Does it bother you that Maya found it?” This was a much more complex question, so we stared at each other for a while. Then Noah raised one eyebrow defiantly and smiled a little.

"You don't have to answer if you don't want to," he said, and I immediately shook my head. “It's not about that, it's just… I don't know how to explain it.” "You don't owe me an explanation," he remarked softly. He brushed his hair back with a slightly angry motion, because a wet strand kept hanging in his eyes. “But I would like to say that I did not know that there was that photo with Anne.” “Me neither…,” I answered after taking a deep drag from the cigarette. “No problem. Maya obviously knows that I had a life and a girlfriend before her, and she takes it easy,” I shrugged. Noah's eyes lost all amusement for a moment as he looked up at me and took a big gulp. Then he pushed himself away from the edge of the pool. “What are you doing here anyway?” I asked, because I desperately wanted to be able to talk some more. “I stare at the stars.” I looked up and saw nothing but the dull lights that illuminated the sky from below, from the bustling city. I remembered the house by the lake, the night we went out stargazing, and for a moment I felt Noah's hand almost on my hand, his fingers between mine. “There is too much light pollution here.” "If you drink enough, you'll see them," he grinned at me before leaning back and laying on the water. I blew out a puff of smoke and sighed resignedly, then stood up. I grabbed the photos and stopped by Jolly on the way back. “Take care of him so he doesn't drown,” I asked him. There was no trace of joking in my voice. Jolly looked toward the pool, then back at me. “What would the band do without a singer?” Unable to appreciate the joke, I just shook my head and placed my palm on his arm. “If you are tired, let me know and I will come back. If necessary, the two of us can somehow get him out of there.” “Nick, relax,”Jolly looked deeply into my eyes so that I could see that he was also serious. “Go back to Maya, I have everything under control here.” I trusted him. He has helped me so many times that there are no words for it. He was there for me when I was in complete despair about Noah's state of mind. He was the one who hugged me when I came out of Noah's room, and I didn't have the strength to show that I was strong in front of him. I nodded and squeezed his arm before heading inside.

When I got to the door, I opened it with the card and tried to enter as quietly as possible. I can't say I was very successful because Maya immediately started moving under the covers. “Nick?” he asked in a sleepy voice. “I'm here.” I quickly crawled into the bed next to her. “It’s okay.” “Where have you been?” “At the pool. I forgot something there.” Maya turned to me and somehow, even in the dark, I could feel her trying to see into my soul and judge me. “Were you with Noah? Did you forget him there?” Embarrassed, I began to laugh at the absurdity of it. She can't be serious about this. The sleepiness and kindness disappeared from her voice, irony took its place. I wanted to turn on the light to see that it was still my girlfriend in the bed, not someone else I had no idea about. “I didn't go down because of him, but you're right, I talked to him while I smoked a cigarette,” I answered and tried to be calm. It was harder than I thought. Maya waited as if considering things. Like a snake trying to decide whether to strike or retreat to its burrow. Maya suddenly snuggled up and hugged me. "I'm sorry… it was bad to wake up alone," she murmured against my collarbone as I stroked her hair thoughtfully. I was sick of these sudden mood swings and how easily I could slip into the role Maya assigned me. “I'm going to the bathroom,” I pulled away from her, and it's true that my voice was neither angry nor sarcastic. I would rather describe it as soulless.

As she clung to me in vain, I threw her arms off me and stumbled into the bathroom. I turned on the light and leaned against the sink. I was physically sick, needing to take a few deep breaths to keep from throwing up the small slice of pizza I ate. When things got a little better, I looked up at my reflection from under my hair. "Shit," I muttered to myself as I noticed the red scratch marks on my chest and stomach. My tattoos covered it well here and there, but there were parts where they were clearly visible. I straightened up and took a closer look at them. No wonder Jolly spoke up when I went downstairs. It wasn't the first time I looked like this, but it was a twist of fate that I managed to flash them for my friends just now. I've always been proud of the marks Maya left on me, but now all I could think about was what must have been going through Noah's mind when I was showing off at the edge of the pool and preening like an idiot.

[aurorafables]

From the Grey, Chapter 7.

“By the way, I'm Nicholas,” I tried to lighten his mood a little. “My friends usually just call me Nick.”

The boy finally stopped and slowly turned towards me. He brushed his hair away from his face with long, thin fingers, revealing dark eyes, pouty pink lips, and the sweetest nose I'd ever seen.

Hi everyone! Here is a new part of the story with sweet moments between the boys 🥰😊 and some angst from the past.

Have a nice week! 🙂

Pairing: Noah Sebastian X Nicholas Ruffilo

Warnings: 18+, Explicit, Angst, Past character death, Suicidal thoughts

Tags: M/M, M/F, Slow burn, Childhood friends, Friends to lovers, Family drama, Band fic, Masturbation, Accidental Voyeurism

Word Count: 4.4k

Cross-posted: AO3

7.

The next morning we had a small breakfast and packed up before we left. I quickly got rid of the rental car at the nearest drop-off point and we drove most of the way in Noah's car. We listened to music, Noah singing Taylor Swift while drumming his tattooed fingers on the steering wheel, and I watched him sleepily out of the corner of my eye, my head resting on the headrest of the seat. It was especially good that I didn't have to drive much, because I didn't sleep well that night. Although I reassured myself that nothing had happened - and this was also confirmed by the fact that Noah showed the same - negative emotions still swirled in me. Guilt that Maya deserves better than me. I'm afraid one wrong word or touch and I'll lose Noah because there's no attraction worth even risking our friendship for. I started whipping myself over and over when I thought about it. I can't act so stupid, I'm a grown man who has been in a serious relationship for almost eight months now, not a stupid little teenager who has no idea about the world. 

“Everything is alright? You're very quiet today," Noah remarked, turning down the radio, keeping his eyes on the road.

“I slept badly,” I answered in a hoarse, sleepy voice, and at least I didn't lie to him with that.

“We will stop at the next gas station. I'll buy you a coffee,” he promised and smiled kindly at me, which I tried to return.

"I might not be the best company today," I said apologetically.

“You don't have to talk to be good company,” he looked at me sideways from under his sunglasses. "It calms me down when you're near me," he added much more quietly.

I pursed my lips, closed my eyes under my sunglasses, and wished he wouldn't be so nice to me all the time. It was as if his comment had fueled that strange feeling in me, which was pleasant, but I had to suppress it as soon as possible, because it would only cause my loss in the long run. 

After a few minutes we pulled into a gas station parking lot, but Noah didn't get out of the car immediately. He unbuckled his seat belt, took a deep breath, and turned to me.

“I would like to apologize for my behavior yesterday,” he began, which immediately made me pay attention to him, and suddenly the dream escaped my eyes. “My morning wasn't the best, and then…” he shook his head, causing his hair to fall into his eyes “and then Karin called me saying she wanted to meet.”

Oh. I didn't expect him to talk about it, even though I could have learned by now that if I gave him enough time, sooner or later he would pour his heart out.

“What did you say to her?” I asked breathlessly.

“I said it's over. Everything, that was between us.”

My mouth twisted into a proud smile.

“I think you made the right decision. You've already finished it once, there would be no point to continue and hurt each other.”

"Yeah…" he said thoughtfully.

I swallowed the thoughts of how badly the girl had affected him, and that he could find a thousand better women than her if he wanted to, because I really didn't really know what kind of mental state he was in, and I felt that it would not be constructive at that moment. 

“If you want to talk about this or anything else, I will be happy to listen to you at any time,”I said instead of my judgmental thoughts. Noah's grateful look made it worth it.

“Thank you. I don't know how to thank you for caring so much about me.”

“For a start a big cappuccino will do,��� I joked with him to lighten both of our melancholic moods. Noah smiled but still didn't go. I could see he wanted to speak about something else.

“About what happened in the afternoon… I think it's also due to my fucked up mood.”

I blinked a few times and remembered our conversation two days before when we slept in the same room after stargazing and Noah apologized even then, though he didn't say exactly why. I felt that it would be no different now, but something told me that it would be better for both of us if I didn't mess this up. Besides, I felt equally responsible.

"Yesterday afternoon was particularly good," I said honestly, because no matter how messed up the ending was, we laughed and talked a lot before it, everything was almost the same as before.

Noah pushed his sunglasses on top of his head and scanned my face.

“So isn't that why you're in a bad mood?”

I'm in a bad mood because we almost kissed in the lake, completely attached to each other's bodies? Because I almost cheated on my girlfriend with my best friend? Or because I loved every minute when our bodies touched? Is the reason for this messed up mood that I get into the room, half lying on the floor, because my cock was throbbing so much after hearing his moans that I didn't even have the opportunity to sit on the bed? Or because of all the fucking sexy things my brain was creating and he was the main character in all of them? I have no idea what exactly the question was about.

“I'm tired, I could sleep here in the car, only my neck would hurt,” I answered. “Tomorrow, after a long sleep, everything will be much better.”

I really believed in this, because when I'm rested, it's much easier to cope with any test that life throws at me. Maybe I felt tired and bored, that was just a bad move and I could screw everything up - if I haven't done it yet - but tomorrow, fresh, I will definitely see things in a better light. 

"Okay," Noah agreed thoughtfully, then grabbed his wallet and hopped out of the car. “A cappuccino, as you said. Anything else?” he asked with a smile as he leaned in the door.

“A chocolate chip cookie, please.”  I returned his smile when he nodded. 

He put on his sunglasses and pulled the hood of his hoodie over his head. While he went into the store, I got out to stretch my legs and smoke a cigarette. 

I was already getting back in the car when I saw Noah exit the small shop at the gas station and start heading back, but it seemed I wasn't the only one who noticed. He was stopped by a middle-aged woman with long red hair and a younger girl. I could tell by their body language how excited they were when they started talking. His presence has probably made their day better, but maybe even their whole week. I watched him as he bent down a little so the height difference would not be too disturbing, as he smiled restrainedly, but kindly, and paid attention to them. I felt a pleasant feeling move in my chest because I was in such an advantageous position that I could receive this attention at any time. Noah nodded, then smiled as they took a few selfies, he held the phone with his long arm. He pulled his hoodie up over his forearms, the muscles on which were tense and his dark tattoos glistened in the sunlight. His hair fell forward as they checked to see if the pictures were okay, and I wondered if I had ever felt as much desire for another man as I did for him. The answer was clearly no. 

In high school, we were told a thousand times that we were gay because of our long hair and eccentric style, but I never seriously thought about the possibility, because for me the girls were interesting enough, anyone could say anything. Our friends also looked at us strangely when they found out that I lived with my best friend, but they didn't ask about it too much. Did Noah feel the same way? I remember a long time ago, at a party, he kissed a guy, but it was just a silly, drunken challenge, not a real kiss, and it didn't last more than a few seconds. He always had girlfriends and it never occurred to me that he might even be bisexual. And then there was Noah's mom…who loved to attack our friendship and all the good things that happened to her son.

It all started when two boys started teasing Noah at school, and one of my friends and I listened to it all. They made rude comments about his hair and figure, and when that didn't get enough of an impact and reaction, they started teasing him about having Asian blood in his veins. He was told that it was indeterminate whether he was a boy or a girl, just like in Japanese anime. I think this was the point where even though I hated conflict, I had to step in because I absolutely loved anime. And I didn't understand why you couldn't leave a boy alone who just wanted to write his homework. 

It only took a couple of well-selected sentences from Davis and a few condescending glances from me to make the young boys go away in defeat. They wisely decided that it was pointless to confront the three of us, especially since my friend and I were several years older. We had a fist-bump with Davis, who immediately left for class, and only then did I turn to the boy, who got up from the bench and started packing his things back into his bag. His hair fell into his face as he leaned forward, his movements looking nervous. I've never been the type to initiate acquaintances. I hated big company and could only really open up to a small circle of friends, but… I felt I had to open up to him. Little did I know then that I was making the best decision of my life. 

“By the way, I'm Nicholas,” I tried to lighten his mood a little. “My friends usually just call me Nick.”

The boy finally stopped and slowly turned towards me. He brushed his hair away from his face with long, thin fingers, revealing dark eyes, pouty pink lips, and the sweetest nose I'd ever seen.

"I could have dealt with them alone," he declared instead of introducing himself. I wasn't mad at him though, I knew he was still in passive aggressive defense mode.

“I know,” I answered and smiled cautiously. I didn't want him to feel like I was laughing at him. “But I am desperately collecting friends who like anime.”

With this, I managed to remove some of the storm clouds from his face.

“How many friends do you have like that, Nick?” he asked with interest, tilting his head slightly to the side.

“I hope you will be the first,” I answered honestly, for which I received a bright smile in response.

"Noah," he said, twisting his fingers, turning his gaze to the ground. "I mean, that's my name," he added, laughing nervously, looking up at me again. 

"Noah," I said his name, just to know how it felt. I loved it. 

In the weeks that followed, Noah easily fit into my group of friends. No one really noticed that he was three years younger than us. Even then he was almost as tall as me, and much more mature than his age would have suggested.

The summer holidays were approaching, the students were less and less focused on studying and wanted to stay more and more outdoors. I couldn't wait for the bell to ring from our last class on Friday and it would be the weekend. Not because I wanted to party - I've never been a party animal - but so that I can finally get a good night's sleep and draw as much as I like. I was decorating the edge of my notebook throughout math class, and when the bell finally rang, I was one of the first to get up, threw my things into my bag, said goodbye to the two boys I had been friends with for years, and stepped out into the hallway. Noah was leaning against the railing waiting for me, drinking a can of Coke and smiling when he saw me.

"Thanks for waiting," I told him as we walked out of the building. “This math class was dead boring.”

"I can't say that this was the most exciting day of my life either," he answered, smoothing his shoulder-length brown hair behind his ears. “But maybe it will get better from now on.”

“For sure. It is even more fun to sit in the church and listen to the teacher about nonsense.”

"Brr, don't even mention the church," he said with disgust on his face. I laughed to myself as he wrinkled his freckled nose, pursed his lips, and was visibly sick of even the thought. He said that his grandparents, with whom he lived, were very religious and forced him to participate in church work, even if it’s about repairs or fundraising.

We walked down to the front of the building when a bunch of young boys turned to us and giggled as we passed them. I saw in Noah that he was uncertain for a fleeting moment, but then he kept his head up and walked confidently.

“You shouldn't show off with me,” he remarked when we left the gate. “You must have noticed that I am not the most popular student.”

“Don't think I'm afraid of your classmates in diapers,” I snorted, touching my pockets. I couldn't wait to finally light a cigarette. I found the box with the lighter inside and took out a cigarette. I noticed Noah reach out his hand as well, causing my eyebrows to rise to the center of my forehead.

“What is that?” Noah asked.

“Aren't you too young for that?”

He just rolled his eyes, then grabbed my wrist where I was holding the box and took out a cigarette. He lit it with practiced movements and blew the first puff of smoke into my face, making me roll my eyes. 

“Just because you're older, you don't have to play the adult.”

“Just because I smoke is not an example to be followed,”I retorted, but I couldn't take this conversation seriously either, and by the end we both laughed at each other.

“Don't worry, I already smoked before I met you.”

“Huh,” I squeezed my hand dramatically towards my chest. “Now a huge stone fell from my heart. I was already beginning to think that I had led you into trouble during our short acquaintance.”

“My grandparents won't be coming home until Sunday,” Noah explained as we got to their house. I looked up at the two-story building, which was surrounded by a large, well-kept garden, and nodded approvingly. It was the first time I visited them, only three weeks had passed since we met in the schoolyard.

"I guessed you were a little prince," I said with feigned seriousness. The house was about twice the size of the one I lived in with my parents and four siblings. Noah snorted, but didn't answer anything, he just opened the door with his key, and then we entered the hall one after the other. Even next to the coat hanger, the face of Jesus greeted me on the wall. It seemed that Noah was not exaggerating when he spoke about his grandparents' religiosity. I kicked off my shoes and continued to look around while Noah struggled with his tangled shoelaces.

“Who is she?” I asked, pointing to a beautiful woman in one of the paintings. Her brown hair was at least down to her waist and she wore a blood red cloak over her long dress which she held in her hands at her chest.

"Mary Magdalene," Noah answered as he straightened up. “She…”

"Many people believe that she was Jesus' lover," said a woman's voice behind us, and we both turned on our heels in surprise. "Hello, I'm Noah's mother, Elizabeth," the owner of the voice extended her hand to me with a soft smile on her lips. Her light brown hair was tied back in a bun, her nails were painted bright pink, and she wore a short black dress that showed off her long thighs. She looked barely over thirty, I would never have guessed she was Noah's mother. I would have guessed it was his sister.

“Good afternoon. I'm Nicholas,” I shook her hand politely. Her skin was hot and slightly clammy, her grip strong. Then we both turned to Noah, who was standing with his arms crossed in front of his chest, not moving.

“Don't you welcome your mother?” asked the woman, raising the glass filled with whiskey she was holding to her mouth with a smile.

“Why are you here? “Noah asked, but his voice was barely above a whisper.

“I don't have the right to visit my son?” Since Noah didn't appreciate any reaction, she drained the rest of the drink from her glass and continued: “Your grandmother mentioned that you will be alone. I thought this would be the perfect time to get back together.”

When Noah told me about his bad relationship with his mother, I thought they didn't get along because of some sort of teenage rebellion. I never thought that Noah could act so cold with someone when I got to know him so friendly and kind in the last few weeks. 

I followed him up the stairs with furrowed brows as he started without saying a word to his mother. When we entered his room, he immediately locked the door and collapsed on the bed, broken. 

“I'm sorry, I didn't know she would be here.”

“It's okay,” I reassured him immediately and fell down next to him. "She doesn't seems that bad," I added, but I saw that pained smile on Noah's face that I haven't been able to get out of my head since, and I kept seeing it in my mind as his mother stabbed him in the back over and over again just to see him suffer. 

I stood up and walked over to the bookshelf to look through his manga. He said he would be happy to lend me any of them if I wanted to read them, and I chose two. Afterwards, I sat back next to him and we were talking about school, when my sketchbook, in which I used to draw, came up.

“Shall I show you?” I asked Noah. His face lit up as he nodded, so I reached for the ceiling and pulled my t-shirt over my head. Noah leaned very close to my shoulder, which was decorated with a fresh tattoo. My first tattoo, a beautifully crafted bird wing.

“I want to tattoo my entire arm,” I explained to him, while he touched my skin, as if he wanted to test whether it feels different over the tattoo. - I designed this too, and if I collect the money for it, we will continue. Maybe one day I'll be a tattoo artist, who knows…”

Noah nodded and struggled to break his gaze to look up at me.

“Your drawings are very good, there is no doubt that you have a talent for it,” he said honestly. “I want a tattoo too.” He bit his lip as he thought. Then he slowly pulled up his t-shirt and placed his index finger on one of the small scars on his chest.

“Do you think these could be covered? There was this car accident and… I broke a few ribs, and then in the hospital they put tubes in… here too,” he smoothed a hand over the side of his chest. “Although the doctors said that it will almost completely disappear by the time I grow up, I still want something on it.”

I didn't know that particular accident was so serious that he lost his father and everyone died except him. I had no idea, it had been many months have passed before he told me about that summer day.

 

“They can surely make it disappear,” I answered him, while my gaze involuntarily fell on his ribs, which almost pierced his skin. Noah might have noticed because he quickly readjusted his shirt and wrapped his arms around himself defensively. I hated myself for making him uncomfortable, it was the last thing I wanted. I also put on my t-shirt and smiled at him from under my eyelashes.

“Can I have some tea now?” I referred to his offer from half an hour before. Noah nodded enthusiastically, and while he ran down to the kitchen, I picked up one of the manga and started flipping through the pages. He left the door ajar, so I heard him approach cautiously after five minutes, probably to avoid spilling the contents of the mug on himself. I looked down at the bottom of the page I was reading, noted the page number, and closed the book. Then I heard Noah's mother's voice. His speech was slurred, I could tell even though he was half-whispering.

“Your grandmother must be proud of you for being gay. She must be happy to tell it in church.” The smile immediately melted from my face and I sat frozen on the bed. “Look at me when I talk to you!” Elizabeth didn't even try to suppress her voice.

"I have no idea what you're talking about," Noah said quietly. His voice was laced with pleading and fear. My throat tightened. “Please…”

“More about who. Nicholas, if I remember his name correctly. Why would you bring a boy here and shut him up in your room?”

“Nick is my friend.”

“Who would want to be friends with you, baby?” asked the woman almost regretfully. “You are so naive, Noah. Everyone has an ulterior motive.”

My hands were clenched into fists, my blood pressure skyrocketed, and yet I didn't move. I was held back by my good upbringing, by the fact that my parents taught me to be obedient to adults. Later, I regretted a thousand times that I didn't stand by Noah and get him out of that family right away. That place was equal to hell on earth. I heard a door close and Noah finally entered the room. His hands were shaking, the tea between his fingers spilled onto the floor, but his face remained completely emotionless. I jumped off the bed and took the mug from him so he wouldn't drop it. This time, I locked the door and took out a pocket of tissue from my bag. He accepted without a word, wiped his hand, then threw it away and we sat next to each other on the bed.

"If you don't feel like staying, I won't be mad if you go home," he said without looking at me. He knew I heard every word of the conversation. His fingers dug into his thighs and his face went completely pale. I didn't really know what to do in such a situation. I felt uncomfortable, I was angry, but I wanted to help him feel good again. This was the most important thing, because over the weeks I slowly began to become completely addicted to his smile. I put the tea on the table and turned to him.

“Would you like me to go home?” I asked him because I had to know what he wanted.

Noah finally looked up at me. Unshed tears glistened in his eyes, his lips trembled. 

“No. I want you to stay.”

His voice was childish, not the confident teenager I knew from school. I quickly realized that it was just a disguise, but I was relieved to hear his answer, because I would not have liked to leave him alone with that woman.

“Then I'll stay,” I answered and slowly smiled. It took a few seconds for him to return the smile, and even though it didn't quite reach his eyes, I was satisfied with that. “Which anime would you like?” I stood up and started watching the DVDs packed under the TV.

“Choose something. Surprise me,” he replied with a slight challenge in his eyes.

It was the first and last time we went to their place after school. Afterwards, we always ended up at our house, and Noah didn't seem bothered by my loud brother, my hysterical little sisters, or the fact that the hot water kept running out late at night and we were forced to take cold showers if we were immersed in the conversation. If the milk ran out in the morning, he made his porridge with water and didn't complain if we had toast for lunch. I noticed how strange it was when mom or I hugged him. Like he doesn't know what to do with it all and is confused. But it only took a few weeks for all of that to change and he almost started demanding touches. 

Noah walked to the car and turned back to make sure no one was following him before getting in. I followed his approaching steps with half-closed eyes, trying to figure out what had changed. Where was the tipping point when I started finding him attractive. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't figure it out and that only made me more frustrated. Noah got in and handed me the coffee and the paper bag, then pulled the hood off his head. 

“I hope it didn't get too cold,” he said with an apologetic smile.

I tiredly returned his smile and handed the biscuit back to him.

“Half of it is yours. And thank you.”

He didn't argue for a second that I wanted to share the dessert with him. He began to eat the cookie with gusto, while I drank my coffee thoughtfully.

“Noah…we'll be fine, right?” I suddenly asked out of nowhere. My voice sounded so scared that I was surprised by it. 

He looked at me confused, with a small crumb on his mouth that I was tempted to wipe off, but luckily he licked it off before I could move. He swallowed the bite and looked deep into my eyes. 

“Whatever happens, we will always be here for each other. You are the only sure point in my life. Believe me, I will do everything to be your sure point.”

I nodded and closed my eyes again. I think that was enough to make me feel better, if only a little.

[aurorafables]

From the Grey, Chapter 6.

“Okay, maybe you're not such a shitty friend after all,” I teased him with a smile.

“If you knew what was going through my mind right now, you would definitely have a different opinion.”

Hi everyone! Sooo maybe the things are starting to heat up around the boys 😎, just like the weather on a sunny summer day ☀️

Pairing: Noah Sebastian X Nicholas Ruffilo

Warnings: 18+, Explicit, Angst, Past character death, Suicidal thoughts

Tags: M/M, M/F, Slow burn, Childhood friends, Friends to lovers, Family drama, Band fic, Masturbation, Accidental Voyeurism

Word Count: 5.1k

Cross-posted: AO3

6.

The next morning, Aby and Steve left around eight. Noah was still asleep, so I said goodbye to them alone after helping pack everything into the trunk of the car.

“I'm glad we could spend yesterday together,” Aby hugged me.

“Me too. The cocktails were divine.”

“I see Noah several times, but you live so far away,” she complained.

“I'll always try to make sure we run into each other when I'm near LA,” I promised her.

“We'll meet in a few days on the tour,” Steven patted me on the back.

“Yes, you'll have had enough of us after a week for sure,” I joked with him, and he just shrugged his shoulders.

“Sometimes you are like bad, bad kids, but you are my kids!” he left a big kiss on my cheek, then he also squeezed me thoroughly. “I'm glad you're here with Noah. I know he likes to be alone, but still…” he said before letting go.

I smiled at him and gave a small nod. I know exactly what he meant.

“Give my regards to your mother… and your brothers and sisters too. Everyone!” Aby got into the car, laughing.

“I'll give it to them,” I promised. “And also give your son a kiss for me. I hope to see him again before he goes to school.”

"He grows so fast," Steven said proudly.

"And give our regards to Noah when he wakes up," Aby added, then started the SUV.

"Okay, I will," I promised.

I waved as they slowly rolled out of the grassy area to reach the dirt road that ran along the side of the lake. I loved them both, but the undeniable fact was that the silence was almost palpable after they left. And it was just the quiet that Noah and I needed before we continued the tour.

When they were out of sight, I walked back, sat down at the table on the patio, and booked a plane ticket in Maya's name on the laptop I borrowed from Noah. After that I also wrote Matt a message and asked him to transfer my hotel room in Vegas to two people. He wasn't happy that this was just coming out, but in exchange for a bottle of whiskey he phoned the hotel and had it all sorted out in five minutes. When I sent the reservation information to Maya, I got a series of heart emojis in response, so I sat back satisfied. I was glad that I managed to make her happy with this idea.

It was 10 am when Noah came out, but he only came down to the kitchen to go back to the room with a coffee. While he was downstairs, I quickly packed my own stuff into the other, vacated room. When we ran into each other he said he had some phone calls to make. I immediately remembered that Karin had asked to talk the night before, and maybe that's why he doesn't want me around while he's on the phone. I understood and tried to occupy myself with something while I waited for him, but meanwhile my thoughts kept wandering towards him. I hoped Karin couldn't manipulate him anymore.

I read the news, watched videos, called my brother, went through the offers at an online musical instrument store, and ordered a new set of strings for the tour. I wandered by the lake for a bit, and at around 1 pm I went into the kitchen to make ourselves something for lunch. I found meat patties in the freezer, so I decided to make two hamburgers, carefully packed with cheese, bacon and vegetables.

Before I started frying the meat in a pan, I went upstairs and knocked on the room, even though the door was ajar.

"Come," Noah said, so I entered.

He was sitting on his bed, the sun shining through the window behind him, casting a magical aura around him. He was still in a pair of boxers, his hair was messy, and he was biting his lip as he watched his phone.

“I just wanted to say that lunch is almost ready. I'm making hamburgers and all I have to do is fry the meat.”

"Okay," he answered, still not looking up.

“Is something wrong?” I asked him quietly, to which the answer was only a quick shake of the head.

"I'll grab some clothes and be downstairs in a few," he said.

I stomped down the stairs a little disappointed. There was no sign of yesterday's jovial Noah, and he didn't seem like he wanted to reveal why. Maybe he called Karin and the conversation didn't go the way he wanted. Or Matt had upset him about something. It's irrelevant. But my mood was also screwed up, and I just noticed that I barely pay attention to the meat while I'm cooking it. I almost burned them. For sure, it wasn't the most delicious meal I made, but in the end I called it edible even though the meat was a little dry. It's okay, we'll put more sauce on it.

I was just putting the top of the hamburger bun on when Noah finally arrived. I realized with sadness that he still had his phone in hand and was walking around as if he was only physically present.

“Artificial Suicide?” I asked him, to which the only answer was that his mouth spread into a smile.

I put the lunch in front of him, then sat down next to mine. While we ate in silence, I watched out of the corner of my eye as he took apart the bun, took out the cucumber slices, and started eating. I giggled softly as I put a lettuce leaf that had fallen on a plate into my mouth.

I know there are days when Noah is picky about his vegetables, just as I know it's impossible to guess what he's in the mood for. For example, he had no objection to the cucumber with the fish the night before.

Noah looked up at me from the plate, the corner of his mouth curling up slightly as he looked up from under his lashes with his dark eyes.

“This turned out very delicious,” he said with his mouth full.

“You don't have to exaggerate,” I playfully kicked his leg under the table. ”I almost burned it.”

“Just almost… I'm not exaggerating, it's a thousand times better than what I usually make.”

I continued to eat in a slightly better mood, and I felt that Noah was finally starting to relax, he was no longer as serious and troubled as he had been all morning. I was on the last few bites when I felt Noah's bare foot touch my calf. I didn't look up, ate the rest of my food, then licked the sauce off my finger. His gentle touches felt good that day, and the day before… I tried to make no big deal out of it and completely ignore the fact that heat was creeping up my entire body, starting from my feet. Noah also finished his lunch and texted Matt on his phone, then he looked at me, smiled and put down his phone with his chin in his palm. He couldn't completely break away from work and the band even for these few days, he always had to deal with something related to that, but I couldn't blame him for that. We all had something else to do in case we had to stop making music, except Noah. He only had the band. As I was thinking that I don't feel like getting up from the table, because then that little physical contact will cease, but my phone rang, which made us both startle. Danny's name appeared on the display. Noah sighed and settled into the chair.

“Until you talk with her, I'll pack the dishes,” he offered and slowly took his leg away from mine. “Tell her my regards.”

I nodded and then answered my sister's call. We hadn't spoken in days, so it was nice to hear her voice. Danielle raved about how much fun they were having in France and how sorry she was that their plane was leaving the next morning. With a big smile on my face, I listened to their experiences, which was sometimes joined by my other sister, then I wished them a good trip and we said goodbye to each other.

“Do you want to go down to the lake?” Noah asked after I finished the call. Since I had already arranged the reservation for Maya, I had no other plans for today except for rest, so I immediately nodded.

“I'll get my swimming trunks, then we can go.“ I went to the fridge and took out a fruit smoothie for myself. “Beer or soda?” I turned to Noah.

"No alcohol," he said. “The cocktails gave me a headache in the morning.”

“Or the wine you drank with the dinner…,” - I added with a laugh, then I took out a juice for him as well.

We were done in five minutes. I just put on my swimming trunks, put my hair in a bun on top of my head and threw the towel over my shoulders. We grabbed the small bottles of soft drinks, a blanket, and walked down to the lakeshore. The heat hit us as soon as we stepped out the door from the air-conditioned house, and when the sun was on our heads, I already felt that it was much hotter than before. I put on my sunglasses, I smiled and listened as Noah scolded the Sun and the heat, non-stop until we got to the beach.

"I'd think you are a vampire," I remarked as he dropped the stuff on the ground and headed to the water.

“I hate it when it's too hot and I sweat. And I hate squinting and getting sunburned. Not everyone can have perfect skin like you,” he muttered under his breath as he waded into the water and was immediately neck deep. The sight gave me the chills, but he moaned contentedly and wet his hair as well.

While he tried to cool his body, which had heated up in five minutes, I spread the blanket next to a mossy stone surrounded by ferns, in the shade of a tree. Some card game fell on the ground, which luckily was held together with a rubber band, so the box didn't fall apart and the cards didn’t fall out. At the top was The Mind written. It caught my attention, and as soon as I sat down, I began to read its rather mystical description. I was about to dive in when cold drops of water hit my back. I flinched and quickly turned back. Noah came out of the water and as he shook his head, the water flew everywhere, but when I saw the satisfied grin on his face, I was sure he did it on purpose.

“When you're done with playing the dog, we could try this out,” I held up the toy box.

“Playing the dog? What expression is this?” he raised his eyebrows, then sat down next to me on the blanket. As I continued to read the game description, I felt his cold, wet skin touch my arm and gasped as something much warmer but just as wet touched my shoulder. I reflexively turned my head to the side, and the first thing I noticed was that his face was too close to mine, and the second that his tongue touched my skin, which he pulled back between his white teeth at that moment.

“What are you doing?” I asked in a completely screwed up, breathless voice.

Noah blinked at me, water dripping from his hair onto my thigh, then he simply shrugged.

“You told me something about a dog.”

It took some time for my foggy mind to understand his words, but that didn't change the fact that this little thing had pushed me to the edge of the abyss. What the hell got into me anyway? Noah could tell that I wasn't going to laugh at him—because I must have had some hideous big tangle in my brain—so he took the little box out of my hand, cleared his throat, and backed away a little.

“Jolly hated this, he wanted to overturn the table when Jesse and I sat down to play. He already had a beer or two, but he is too down to earth anyway,” he explained with a small smile as he took the cards out of the box. “The cards are numbered from one to one hundred. Shuffle them, and in the first round we both get a card. The task is to stack the cards from our hands in ascending order without seeing the other's numbers. In the next round, we are dealt two cards, so four numbers must be lined up, but you know only yours. And so on.

“So… we have to rely on our intuition?” I asked, glad that I managed to distract myself so quickly from what happened two minutes ago.

"Something like that," Noah smiled as he shuffled the cards in his hands. “And we have to tune in to each other,” he added.

I remembered the days when we lived together and without thinking we would complete each other's sentences, raise the glass to our mouths at the same moment, or simply look at each other and smile at something while we were together. It still happened, but significantly less often than before.

Noah dealt the single hand we started with, and I felt that with a number three there was a pretty good chance I would have to fold as soon as possible, so I did. Noah triumphantly rolled his forty-two and we won the round without a problem. Our first problem was on the third lap. I put down a nineteen and my next number was fifty-seven, so I waited. Noah looked up at me several times, then bit his lip, wrinkled his nose a little, and waited. I pushed the sunglasses up into my hair, and I swear, with all my strength, with every cell, I was trying to get the inspiration to reach him. The next moment, we both couldn't hold back our laughter.

“How long are we waiting?” I asked with a dramatic sigh, clutching the remaining two cards.

“I could ask that too,” he answered me while trying to stare penetratingly without blinking with those deep, dark eyes. I glanced down at my cards, then back at him. Noah raised one eyebrow, and I saw a drop of water fall from his hair, run down his shoulders and pectoral muscles, his stomach, touch the patterns on his skin, and then melt into the fabric of his swimming trunks. I took out the fifty-seven and hit the nineteen that I had laid down before. Noah sighed. I tried hard to read his face, but he remained completely unreadable.

"Hm… that was close," he remarked, and I waited more and more impatiently to find out if we could go any further or if it was game over. I didn't think it could be this exciting.

"Come on, Noah," I finally told him when I couldn't take it anymore.

Another sigh and he finally put down the card he was holding, which was fifty-eight. Then he was already grinning like a maniac and raised his hand so that we could slap our palms together.

We failed in the sixth round and when we started again we managed to make it to the seventh.

“We're showing an improving trend?” I shrugged as I put the cards back in the box because Noah wanted to dip again.

“And it's much, much more fun to play with you than with the non-stop whining Jolly. That's stupid ,” he exaggerated Jolly's Swedish accent. “Who invented this game? And whose idea was it to play with this? Does anyone have this working? Noah, right now I can't decide if you're going to kill me, fuck me, or just scream at me with your eyes. I don't like either option.”

I laughed so hard at the perfect performance that I even shed a tear. Noah looked at my reaction with satisfaction, then nodded towards the lake.

“Are we going?”

“Let's go,” I said when I could speak from laughing. When I was up to my knees in water, my good humor waned a little, and I wrapped my arms around myself and stepped further in, as if to protect myself from the cold. Noah had long ago submerged and was lying a few meters away on the surface of the water waiting for me to catch up. When the water licked my stomach, I took a deep breath and submerged up to my neck to get over the worst part. Noah grinned as he watched me gasp for air, straighten up again, and then when I took the second dive, it didn't seem nearly as cold.

“We should have brought the ball,” he remarked when I got to him. He ran his hands back through his hair, which now looked almost black as it clung to his head and neck, then spread his arms and ran his palms along the surface of the water. His tattoos glistened wetly in the sunlight.

“And now what will we do without the ball?” I asked him. I didn't mind that there wasn't much we could do, so at least we'd get out of the lake sooner.

Noah looked at me, his eyes darting to my chest and upper arm, then his lips curled into a smile.

“Let's watch you get goosebumps, your mouth watering, and you turn into a block of ice in the heat.”

“What kind of friend would watch this idly?” I pretended to be indignant.

"Pretty shitty friend, for sure, so we have to do something," he answered mysteriously and took a step towards me. At first, only our feet met somewhere under the water, then as he straightened up, I found myself face to face with his neck, the tattoo of the forbidden fruit on his skin. I wasn't short either, but Noah still towered over me easily, and since we were so close together, I had to tilt my head back to see his face. Now there was enough light to count his freckles. And meanwhile I was thinking why we are in this situation for the second time in a day, Noah gently reached around my waist and pulled me closer. His skin was much hotter than mine, and I felt the physical contact start to warm me.

“Okay, maybe you're not such a shitty friend after all,” I teased him with a smile.

“If you knew what was going through my mind right now, you would definitely have a different opinion.”

The smile disappeared from my face as I blinked at him because the sun was right in my eyes and I begged him to explain what he meant with my gaze. I'm sure he saw my incomprehension, but didn't want or couldn't deal with it. I raised my arm to pull my sunglasses off from the top of my head, but Noah grabbed my wrist and wouldn't let go.

“Don’t. Your eyes are incredible in this light.”

He had said the same thing to me before, but now the difference was in the way he said it. His voice was like liquid honey, a half-whisper, full of emotion and heat. It's nowhere near like when we used to be friendly and try to instill some confidence in each other before a silly date.

He may not have intended it as a distraction, but it still succeeded. The right thing to do would have been to push him away from me right away, instead I grabbed his broad shoulders with my hands. Who do I want to lie to? I could never refuse him. Noah's dark eyes locked with mine for a few moments, then his gaze drifted to my mouth. He swallowed, his Adam's apple moving up and down under his skin stitched with colorful inks. I wanted to lick his neck all the way. When I had this thought, I knew I had to do something to get out of this vortex. I couldn't have pushed him away, so I chose a different path. I leaned even closer to him, put my face on his shoulder and hugged him, just to get back to friendly gestures at least a little. Noah's fingers tightened around my waist, then slowly relaxed into the embrace. I could feel how fast his heart was beating and I wondered if mine was in a similar state. If we stay in a hug for a long time, do our hearts pick up the rhythm of the other just because they are physically close? Such silly thoughts were running through my head while my body was floating in complete numbness. We spoke at the same time, although I didn't even know what I wanted to do with it, I just felt that I had to say her name to see if we would sober up.

“Maya… “

"Damn…" Noah's shoulders tensed, then he took a step back and gently removed my arms around his body. ”You're going to get cold, we should go outside…,” he said in a choked voice, staring into the distance, avoiding my eyes.

I could only nod, because as he let go, I felt again how cold the water was. Noah immediately headed for the beach and upon reaching he grabbed his towel and then stepped into his slippers. I watched with furrowed brows, still frozen in the lake, as he walked towards the house.

When he got out of the view, the thought hit me like a train. What the hell happened? Even if only a little, we successfully crossed the line that should never have been crossed. But then why did it feel so right? I thought about Noah's forbidden fruit tattoo and had to laugh at the connection. Then I remembered his voice and his confused movements before he stepped away and left me alone. It was eerily similar to the moments before a panic attack.

"Shit…" I muttered to myself now as I waded through the water towards the shore, beating myself up for the fact that it had been minutes until I realized Noah needed me. When I got out, I grabbed the blanket and towel, then started towards the house. My pants were dripping with water, I was completely frozen, but nothing was important except to make sure Noah is okay.

As soon as I entered the house, I heard the water running in the bathroom, so I immediately went there. I knocked impatiently and called his name, but nothing. I didn't think much before I pushed down the door handle. It was very steamy inside and Noah's bathing suit was lying on the floor. He was already in the shower, I could make out somewhat even in the steam, and the water was running loudly, which is probably why he couldn't hear me looking for him. I took a calming, deep breath because he seemed to be okay. It suddenly seemed silly that I panicked so much about him acting strangely, so I tried to quietly back out of the bath, the crumpled blanket still clutched in front of me. I didn't want to explain why I broke the door on him, I just wanted to sneak into my room, under the covers, to warm up and to get my thoughts in order. But it turned out that life had other plans.

I was already at the door when I heard Noah. His voice almost blended into the sound of the rushing water, but I could make out the soft whimper because it wasn't the first time I'd opened in the bathroom when I shouldn't have. It was a slightly higher voice than his speaking tone, followed by a deeper moan. The little fluffs on the back of my neck were standing up, and I was flooded with heat from head to toe. I was no longer cold at all.

I closed the door behind me as quietly as I could and walked into my room like a zombie. I took off my sunglasses and ran my fingers through my hair, gripping the strands a little, hoping the pain would sober me up. My brain finally started working, but instead of solutions and reassuring answers, it just created more questions. What happened between my best friend and me in the lake? Did we really almost kiss? How long have we been dancing on this line? Did this all just start yesterday? Why did Noah run into the house? Did I cause all this…? And when I finish to think about such things, I'm able to pay attention to my own body functions… Why do I feel like I'm going crazy if I don't touch myself?

I raised my waist and impatiently tore off the wet swimming trunks. I looked down between my legs as if it wasn't clear what was going on down there, but I guess I needed that to really believe it. Then I didn't think much anymore, I just did what my body dictated. When I took my hot throbbing cock in my fist, my head fell back on the door. From then on, I was completely guided by instinct and habit, as if I was competing with how I could come as soon as possible. I think I was afraid that if I didn't focus on the physical part of it, my mind would wander and I'd mentally end up back in the lake with Noah. Or in the bathroom, which must have been even more covered in steam since then. But I was not willing to allow myself all this, because I felt I would cross the invisible border that I had been avoiding for some time.

I thought about Maya's breasts, how good my cock looked between her full lips. For a moment, Noah's thinner, pink mouth pops in as he looks at me with his dark, soul-piercing eyes. I let out a soft whimper of helplessness like an animal in pain. I tried to recall what it feels like to be in my girlfriend when she cums, squeezes, and is fucking wet… and in the meantime, Noah appeared in my mind, lying under me, his neck stretched back and his lips parted in a soft moan.

I was done in about two minutes. I put my free forearm in front of my mouth to muffle my moans and didn't notice that I slipped to the ground as I trembled. It was as if I was under the influence of some drug, because moments were missing. I didn't even remember the warning sign that radiated from my spine to my lower abdomen every time before orgasm, it just happened, and it came so unexpectedly that I couldn't even prepare for it. I wasn't really the master of my own body for the first time since I was a teenager. Panting, I stared at my hand and rolled it in disbelief, as if there was anything strange about being all sticky after masturbating. The sperm had also got everywhere, and I looked at the traces with furrowed brows. Irritated, I reached for my wet swimming shorts to wipe myself off, and that's when I saw the card game sticking out of the lakeside blanket, lying half on the wooden floor, half still wrapped in the fabric, as if laughing at me.

“Tuning into each other, huh?” I growled into the silence of the room, completely out of breath.

As I sat there totally naked on the floor, waiting for my breathing to normalize a little, my eyes wandered to my dirty feet. Then something popped in my mind. I left my slippers at the lakeside and didn't even notice until I got there. I jumped up so fast I felt a little dizzy and went straight to my bag to dig out a pair of clean pants and a t-shirt. I have rarely been as tense as in those moments. I put on my other slippers, which I usually shower in less posh hotels, and walked out the door. I don't know why I was surprised that Noah had finished his…shower and all that in the meantime. He was standing in the hallway in a pair of shorts with a mop bucket, looking at me curiously as I stormed out of my room.

“Everything is alright?” he asked me, confused. “You look like you've seen a ghost.”

Nothing was fine, but then why was he acting like this day was completely normal? Because after all, nothing happened between us. Nothing, just the harmless play and teasing of two good friends. Everything that showed beyond this was only born in my brain. I suddenly felt ashamed of myself for being so upset and tried to calm myself down. I closed my eyes for a moment, took a deep breath, and counted to three.

“Of course, I just forgot my slippers on the lake shore.”

“Oh, I see.” Noah raised one of his eyebrows, smiling. I looked down at the ground, then I finally realized, why does he have a mop bucket with him. “Don't worry, probably no frog has touched it yet. It would be a big fit for them.”

I had to smile at this, because Noah's honest cheerfulness was always contagious.

“Jolly called anyway. Folio arrived a few hours ago, so maybe we should head back tomorrow. Now we can do some rehearsal together.”

“Great,” I answered completely resignedly, because I felt that the company of the others would be particularly good, but at the same time I regretted that our time with Noah alone would pass.

"I'm making dinner today," Noah added, then soaked the mop in the water.

"Great," I said again. "If you would like, I'd be happy to finish cleaning up," I offered him, but Noah just shook his head.

“Don't worry about it, I'm almost done. I just have to clean up the muddy footprints in front of the bathroom.”

Fortunately, he couldn't see my face, which was contorted in pain, because he was already focused on the floor, and I found the moment perfect to slip away before I made an even bigger fool of myself.

[aurorafables]

From the Grey, Chapter 5.

Hey! I hope you all have an amazing summer so far 😊 Enjoy this new chapter with the boys! ⭐️

Pairing: Noah Sebastian X Nicholas Ruffilo

Warnings: 18+, Explicit, Angst, Past character death, Suicidal thoughts

Tags: M/M, M/F, Slow burn, Childhood friends, Friends to lovers, Family drama, Band fic

Word Count: 3.5k

Cross-posted: AO3

5.

I was the last one to shower after swimming in the lake, and when I got down to the kitchen, the others were already preparing dinner. Aby listed the things to do and Noah followed the instructions, just a little lost. Music was playing from the radio and they were dancing and humming the tune in perfect unison. For us, the whole band crew was like a big family. Steven handled the merch, and his wife helped out many times when we went on tour and had to take inventory. They were both irreplaceable links in a big whole, and they were friends. Steven adored Noah, he was both his father and his friend, and Aby often acted like a mom to us, even though she was only in her late thirties. “Hello, green-eyed prince,” Aby greeted me when she saw me leaning on the kitchen counter and doing nothing. Noah also turned around and gave me a little smile. “Would you like to help me slice the cucumbers?”

“Of course,” I answered and walked over to them. Noah pushed a cutting board in front of me with a knife, and Aby gave me the cucumber she had just washed. "Noah, kitty, would you go find Steve and tell him dinner will be ready in ten minutes? I think he went to the speedboat.” Noah nodded, wiping his hands on the kitchen towel, his arm brushing mine as he walked past me. I looked after him, then I concentrated again on slicing, because my fingers are needed quite a lot on stage.

"By the way, kitten…" Aby began when Noah was out of earshot. “If you're already their expert, Nick, maybe you could chime in on what's going on with Noah and that girl… What's her name?” “Karin,” I helped her out. "Oh, yes, Karin," Aby made a funny face, which made me laugh. “Noah said that Karin and him are no longer together. “I can only confirm this. But he didn't tell me much else either,“ I shrugged. “And isn't it strange that he doesn't even seem to be a little bit sad?” I didn't know how to answer. I guessed why she was curious, but I didn't feel it was fair she was asking me questions about Noah and his affairs. “I asked him several times, but he doesn't want to talk about it.” "Hm," Aby muttered as she put the spicy fish into the heated pan. “I'm just afraid he is drowning in negative emotions. I'm sure that wouldn't end well.”

I thought back to what happened four years ago and had to agree. Noah and Jolly moved to the west coast, I couldn't even be there with him to notice that something was wrong. When I found out that Noah was not well, they already did not dare to leave him alone for a moment, he was so unaccountable due to the constant panic attacks, anxiety and depression. It all came out of nowhere, without any sign. So much crap has happened to him that no one thought that he would end up like that in a period when everything was going well.

The house was eerily quiet when I arrived with a rolling suitcase. It was weird, because in theory all four boys should have been home, but I had a key, so I didn't even have to ring the doorbell. I left the suitcase downstairs, then went upstairs and headed for Noah's room. I didn't really know what to expect, but Jolly seriously scared me with his call the night before. I immediately booked myself a ticket for the morning flight and half a day later I was in California. Jolly had just stepped out the door of Noah's room and almost gasped when he saw me. He had dark circles under his eyes, and his hair was tangled in all directions. He looked like he could use a good night's sleep. He immediately came and hugged me. "I'm glad you're here," he said with relief in his voice. I also squeezed him thoroughly and only then let him go. I noticed that he hadn't closed the door to Noah's room completely, and some purple light was filtering through the gap.

“How is he?” I nodded my head towards the door. Jolly took a deep breath and smoothed his hair back. He began to speak softly. “He's finally sleeping. He got medicine yesterday and I think it's starting to work. But he woke up many times, and there were times when he started shouting. Maybe he had a nightmare or something,” Jolly shook his head, then clenched his fists, glaring at the ground. “Fan också!” “Sorry?” I blinked at him. “Sorry, I'm tired. Just swearing…” I put my hand on his shoulder to make him pay attention to me. When he was angry, he could easily get lost in his own world of his thoughts. “What if you lay down a little too? I'll be there with him, watching him. Okay?” “If he wakes up, he will need to take the medicine again. And it would be good if he had something to eat,” Jolly listed with furrowed brows like a worried mother. “Don't worry about those. And Jolly… we'll figure this out together, okay? Noah is in a dark, depressing place right now, but we're going to get him out of there.” Jolly just looked at me for a few seconds as if trying to figure out if I really thought this was going to work. He finally decided to believe me, nodded gratefully, and then headed for his room.

I opened the door softly and entered. The night light was enough for me to easily walk to the bed, where a huddled figure lay under the covers. “Nick?” a weak voice asked hopefully. Noah wasn't sleeping anymore, but I still paid attention so I wouldn't make a lot of noise and carefully sat down on the edge of his bed. "It's me, doe," I stroked my hand through his long hair. “How do you feel?” "These stupid drugs make me completely numb," he complained sullenly. “You should sleep. Sleep is good.” "I don't want to sleep," he protested immediately, smoothing back his messy, greasy hair. “It's daytime, I should work on the songs…” “They will wait. The creation will go much better if you rest.” Noah thought about my words, but I could tell he wasn't satisfied. “No… I can't wait until then…” “I have an offer.” I took his hands, with which he was about to pull off the blanket and leave. I spoke to him firmly, looking in the eye the whole time. “You take a shower, eat something, take your medicine, and then the two of us go down to the studio, okay?” I hated giving him orders, but I read somewhere that this is the only solution for a mentally unstable person. I had to treat him like a child because he was incapable of making realistic decisions. “I also have to wash my hair…” he muttered to himself. “Can you manage it alone? I know you can do it,” I squeezed his hand. “After that, I'll detangle your hair and dry it if you want. Now go, I'll bring clean clothes after you.” Noah nodded in agreement and then got up and headed for the bathroom while I opened his closet and looked for comfortable clothes. I took out our softest band hoodie, a cozy sweatshirt, a pair of socks, and a pair of underpants, then carried them into the bathroom while he soaked in the shower. After that I left him alone, but I left the bathroom door ajar. Maybe Jolly's paranoia affected me a little.

It took months for Noah to get better, and at some point we had to admit that we weren't enough, he needed a therapist. It was a scary realization because I had never seen it like this before, and it was strange that it didn't get better overnight than it always had before. When the date of the tour was fast approaching, Noah did not object to turning to a specialist, and then we all breathed a sigh of relief. “Maybe Karin didn't mean that much to him after all,” I shrugged again. “Maybe we're overreacting.” Aby's beautiful baby face became gloomy, but she didn't question the matter any further, instead she started asking about my siblings and Maya. While the fish was crisping up in the pan and the kitchen smelled divine, we made the salad, and then Steven and Noah arrived to help set the table. We opened a bottle of white wine, put the fish and salad on plates, and then sat around the table.

Aby used to work as a bartender, and after dinner, drinks that were more than delicious could not be left out. The very dangerous feature of cocktails is that if they are prepared well, the fruits and creams completely suppress the taste of alcohol. I totally loved his Strawberry Daiquiri and was already on my third glass. The taste of strawberries with crushed ice was just what everybody needs on a warm summer evening. Aby didn't mind the rum, and I didn't notice any of it until I suddenly jumped up from my chair to fetch a Coke from the basement for Noah's umpteenth Long Island, and became a little bit dizzy. It really only lasted a moment, so I didn't make a big deal out of it, but from then on I knew I needed to slow down a bit. I carefully climbed the stone steps back and forth, but it was still better that I went because Noah was ahead of me with at least one drink and by the time I got back he was laughing at everything. "There's a web in your hair," he said cheerfully when I sat down next to him, clumsily trying to remove it with his long fingers. “See? What I won't do to get you another cocktail..” I asked dramatically. I leaned closer to him because it was nice to have my hair fiddled by him. On the other side of the living room, I noticed Steven grab his wife's waist on the way to the kitchen and kiss her quickly but passionately. I smiled. Will Maya and I be like this in ten years? “So.. Do you want me to drink another one, green-eyed prince?” Noah asked when he was done, emphasizing my nickname from Aby. I turned around to look at him because I hadn't heard that from him before. He bit his lower lip with his teeth, and his piercing, dark gaze, in which the alcohol shone like a tiny starlight, completely confused me for a moment. Aby walked up to us with a smile, placed the drink in front of Noah, and stood between us, putting her arms around our necks.

“Nick, another Strawberry Daiquiri?” she recommended it. “Thank you, I think that was enough for today,” I answered. "Then if we're not needed anymore… the trip was tiring, so we'll go to rest," Aby said, and Steven nodded in agreement. “You guys stay. Enjoy yourself and relax while you can.” “Thanks Aby, that's how we'll do it” I nodded and before she straightened up, I gave her a kiss on the cheek. Soon we were alone with Noah, who looking at his phone with his chin in his palm, his eyebrows occasionally rising to the center of his forehead. “What is that?” I asked him curiously after he laughed at something. Noah shook his head, then pushed his phone in front of me. They exchanged messages with Matt and discussed what kind of merch we could sell on the European tour early next year. At the sign "Bad Almonds", four moth-eaten almonds surrounded by our photoshopped faces, I laughed out loud. I saw that his phone was showing a message from Karin: "Can I call you?" , but I pretend nothing happened.

“Okay, I like this,” I returned his phone, opening the almond picture, but Noah's thoughts were already elsewhere. He put his phone away, jumped up and held out his hand to me. “Where are we going?” I asked him, but of course I was already on my feet and let him lead me to the door. “Do you need to know where we are going?” he asked, turning to me as we walked out the door. “Or is it only important that we are together?” The answer was clear, I would have blindly followed him anywhere. I looked down at our intertwined fingers as we hung out on the patio, Noah still waiting for my answer. I had to remind myself that this was normal. The physical contact, the desire to be in his company, the fact that I trust him more than myself… he's never been different since I've known him. But why is my heart pounding so furiously under my ribs as if it wants to burst out? “Let's go,”I told him firmly. Noah's lips slowly pulled into a smile and his teeth bit into the soft flesh again. “We just have to get out from under the roof,” he looked up for a moment. ”You can see the stars better from there.” “Oh. I didn't know you liked cliche stuff like that,” I remarked as we left the parked cars and reached a relatively straight area. Noah unfolded his hoodie so we could put our heads on it, then we laid down in the grass. “You start to appreciate these things when you live in a fucked up concrete jungle where there is so much light pollution that you can't see the stars,” he answered.

I took my cigarette out of my pocket and lit it. I took a deep breath and as I stared at the small, bright dots in the dark sky, I let the magic of the place wash over me. I felt the cool, tickling blades of grass under my bare calves and arms, the wind rustling the leaves of the trees. My hand found Noah's and I intertwined our fingers again. My eyes slowly got used to the low light and I could make out more and more things in the dark. For example, Noah's chest as it rose and fell under his t-shirt with each breath, or his profile with his perfect nose and mouth line. He started humming a song, and of course I could easily recognize it even before he started using the words. I could have listened to his voice for hours at any time, maybe he didn't know that I was his biggest fan.

"I can wait for you at the bottom I can stay away if you want me to I could wait for years if I had to Heaven knows I ain't getting over you"

I smiled and followed his index finger as he pointed the tune in the air. I put out the cigarette, and then I joined in too, with my messed-up, sandpapery voice, but so quietly that I wouldn't accidentally drown out his angelic voice.

"Weigh down on me Stay till morning Way down, would you say I'm worthy?”*

Noah finally closed his eyes and sighed. “Hey, you're not even looking at the stars!” I told him in a questioning way. He smiled but didn't open his eyes. I knew what would happen if I didn't intervene. “Noah, you're too heavy for me to carry up to the room.” “How about we sleep here… under the stars?” he asked with a yawn. “We're definitely not sleeping here,” I protested and sat up already. “In the morning, our body would be covered with frogs and dew.” Noah laughed, but he also sat up. “So you're more of a princess than a prince?” he chirped. “Let's just say that I know you, and I know that your back will hurt like hell if I let you sleep here, kitten,” I stuck out my tongue. “So no kisses with the frogs?” he asked with pursed lips. “You have strange fetishes,” I remarked jokingly as we headed inside. Noah giggled all the way upstairs, I was afraid he was going to wake Steve and Aby, until we got to their door. Clearly, they were awake. The unmistakable creaking of their bed also caught Noah's attention, and he stopped in front of me with his hand over his mouth to turn around, causing me to bump into his chest. We looked at each other, while he could hardly hold back his laughter, and I blushed hearing the moans that came out from the room.

"I understand now why they wanted us to stay down," Noah whispered in a muffled voice. ”Do you think they're making a little brother for Adam?” I rolled my eyes and started pushing Noah towards the other room. I wasn't drunk enough for such conversations. "I heard you with a girl once," he said, laughing, a little louder than necessary. Now I had my hand over his mouth and Noah lost his balance and fell back against the wall like a sack of potatoes. He found the situation ridiculous, and I only then understood what he said. We lived together for several years, there would have been little chance of something like this not happening, but I didn't know about it. “And?“ I asked, because this was the only word that suddenly came to my mind. My mind was completely foggy, probably from the alcohol, and heat was slowly creeping up my neck and face. Noah finally stopped giggling and I felt him gently bite my finger. We were close. If there had been more light, I'm sure I could have counted the faint freckles around his eyes and on his nose. He was half a head taller than me, my mouth just in line with his neck… and the tattoos on his neck. Another bite, a little stronger than the first, and I finally realized I should take my hand away. "And… and nothing," he whispered softly into the darkness when I let him go, and his mouth curled into a half smile.

I didn't question him, I stepped away, then we walked into the room in silence. I laid down on the mattress and watched the moonlight streaming through the window as Noah took off his shorts, then pulled the t-shirt over his head and threw it off. He walked over to the bed and sat on it. The tattoos on his skin glistened darkly. I wanted to watch them all one by one, including the ones I made, because it's been so long since I saw them that I started to forget. "You know, you don't have to sleep on the floor," he said unexpectedly. There was no trace of joking in his voice. He seemed more cautious, as if he were afraid that at any moment he might cross a line that he shouldn't. “I know,” I answered him in a raspy voice. “But now it's better this way. We both drank and…” “I can also sleep on the floor with you,” he offered, confusing to list my objections. I smiled. "Believe me, it would be uncomfortable," I told him. Noah finally laid down on the bed and pulled the covers over himself. I was sure it wouldn't last long, it was too hot for that, and I was right. Barely five minutes had passed when he kicked it off. I smiled again in the dark. I know him too well. Another squirm as he turned to me.

“Don't be angry if sometimes I do or say things that… damn… that a friend shouldn't. Please.” His voice sounded completely broken, and he was once again blaming himself for everything. I turned onto my stomach and rested my head on my forearm so that I was facing him. “Who cares what a friend can and can't do? When did we care about it?” I asked him. “As long as we both feel comfortable, I don't think we should worry about such things.” “But if Maya were here…” "Maya isn't here," I told him suddenly, but almost immediately I was overcome with guilt, because I didn't even want her to be there. “Maya understands that you are my best friend,” I refined my previous sentence. Noah didn't speak anymore, he turned onto his stomach and hung one of his long arms off the bed. I held his hand until he fell asleep and mine was completely numb because all the blood had drained out of it. After that, I listened to Noah's soft snoring for quite a while, and when I just focused on that, shutting out all the stupid thoughts in my head, I was finally able to fall asleep.

*Bad Omens - Just Pretend

[aurorafables]

From the Grey, Chapter 4.

Hey there! I hope you all have a lovely weekend. Everything is heating up a little around the boys so enjoy part 4! 😉

Pairing: Noah Sebastian X Nicholas Ruffilo

Warnings: 18+, Explicit, Angst, Past character death, Suicidal thoughts

Tags: M/M, M/F, Slow burn, Childhood friends, Friends to lovers, Family drama, Band fic

Word Count: 4.2k

Cross-posted: AO3

4.

Around six in the morning, my eyes popped open, and I tossed and turned in vain, looking for the perfect position, but I couldn't get back to sleep. At night there was a storm, it rained and it cooled the air a bit, so when I went out to smoke I was glad I had my hoodie on. I sat down on the wooden steps of the terrace, but then changed my mind and walked down to the shore of the lake instead. The pebbles crunched under my shoes, and a few birds flew up at the noise from a nearby tree whose lower branches almost hung into the water. I felt like I was in a creepy utopian movie. Mist swirled over the lake, the rays of the rising sun faintly shone through it, covering the whole place with a special aura.

My phone signaled a message in my pocket. My first thought was that it might be Maya and that I should call her. It was already around eight in the morning in Virginia, and she must have already left for work. But when I unlocked my phone, I saw that my sister had sent some pictures. She and my other sister were in Paris for a while and went to Disneyland the day before. Seeing their unclouded happiness brought a smile to my face too. My sister got the ticket from me for her birthday, and they decided to go on a girl's vacation to France. I have been to so many places in the world, and I wanted nothing more for them than to experience the many miracles that I saw. It's unbelievable that I was able to pile them up with such gifts… a few years ago, I used to go to the tattoo salon seven days a week, worked out my guts, and when I came home dead tired in the winter, the heating in the apartment didn't work. Good thing I had a bed warmer.

“Hmm, where have you been? In Antarctica?” Noah asked sleepily as I stuck my leg between his calves.

“Only outside in the cold. It was cold in the salon too.”

“It's not that cold outside. Virginia is not known for its cold winters," he cooed, and I snuggled closer to him, sighing contentedly as his body heat warmed me. “How was your day?” he asked while stroking my hair.

“Like yesterday. Or the day before,” I answered him boredly. “Did something interesting happen to you?”

There was no response for a while, which I found strange. He didn't seem sad, so I wasn't really worried, but I was terribly curious. “Noah?” I looked up at him questioningly. He bit his lip and I was sure something was up. He wanted to say something, but he didn't know how to begin.

“I spoke with Sandra today.“

Sandra was the older sister of the drummer of his band at the time. A blond, blue-eyed barbie doll.

“And?”

“She asked if I would like to go up to her place tomorrow night after our concert.”

His eyes were sparkling and he looked at me excitedly. How he responded to that was written all over his face. I just didn't understand why.

“Noah… that girl is ten years older than you. And last time you said she was annoying.”

“Are you going to mother me now?” he asked indignantly. Sometimes it was easy to forget that he was just a seventeen-year-old teenager who would respond with an attack if I didn't react the way he wanted me to.

“No way. I just don't get it,” I admitted to him as I turned onto my back.

“What? That she likes me?”

I really understood that. I turned my head to the side and looked at the sulking boy next to me. Noah's face then was an angelic transition between childish charm and adult features. It reflected innocence, but beneath the surface it promised something completely different.

“She said she found my exotic features adorable,” he said when I didn't speak, just looked at him. It was very hard for me to avoid rolling my eyes, but I wanted to be happy for him. Noah had been through a lot of shit, but he was still a naive kid who liked kind words. I didn't want him to be crushed when even his old wounds hadn't healed… if they ever did.

“Why didn't you come here with her?” I asked him because I would have felt better knowing he was in a safe place. “I won't get home until around midnight tomorrow either.”

"The concert lasts at least ten," Noah answered, and finally he wasn't so frustrated anymore. “And… I don't want her to know that I live with my best friend. That I have nothing,” he added sadly. He probably didn't even want her to see what a little hole we were living in, he just liked me too much to say that to my face.

“Okay. But you have to promise to take care of yourself.”

“I promise.”

I turned onto my stomach and hid a little.

"Bring a condom with you," I mumbled into the pillow, shivering at how much I was behaving like a worried parent. Noah might be right, maybe I really was too motherly sometimes. But now he didn't start arguing with me, instead he laughed out loud. However, out of the corner of my eye, I saw that his face was a little red. Great, I'm glad I'm not the only one that's embarrassed by this.

“I'm not a virgin, I know what I'm doing,” he stuck out his tongue at me.

“I'm really happy about that, because I didn't want to hold an enlightening speech about the importance of using condoms.”

Their relationship didn't last for one hookup, but for months. I think Noah was really in love for the first time in his life, and when they broke up, he had to write a song to process it and let her go.

"Tell me tonight that you'll be by yourself

'Cause something bad will happen if you are with someone else

I'm just all fucked up, and I really need your help

I really need your help

There's a lotta hollow souls out there all alone

And they're waiting for you to invite 'em back into my home

They touched and they took what was rightfully mine

Now I'm the devil, and their souls just went up in price

Set me free, I think I'm giving up

Don't wait for me, I think I've had enough

Set me free, I think I'm giving up

Don't wait for me, I've had enough, enough now

My pretty little face with all the right parts

My pretty little face I couldn't keep from the dark

I learned from the best as my sorrows grew

And then they pulled me out after I introduced 'em to you

We're just two wrong souls that met at the wrong time

So just go your way, and I'll go mine

You'll be alone with someone new until the day you die

And I'll watch from afar to make sure you're alright"*

The ringing of my phone brought me back from the past. Maya's name flashed on the display, but now I didn't think long, I picked it up immediately.

“Hi,” I greeted her, then I pressed the mobile phone between my shoulder and ear so I could light a cigarette.

“I didn't think you would pick it up so soon. As a matter of fact, I thought you were going to ignore me again,” I heard Maya's hurt voice.

“I didn't want to ignore you. Yesterday I was too tired,” I said straight away, but that seemed to be enough for her to calm down.

“Did you sleep well last night?” she asked in a conciliatory voice.

“Yeah, I just woke up early.”

"I missed you in bed at night," she said softly, with a hint of seduction in her voice. I smiled.

"I'll make up for it, sweetie," I promised her. “Now it's nice to spend some time with my best friend without touring.”

“But what are you two doing in the middle of nowhere?”

Her voice turned demanding again, which immediately melted the smile off my face.

“Yesterday, for example, we talked with Matt about the continuation of the tour. Anyway, I slept for half the afternoon, and in the evening we drank beer on the terrace,” I told her. ”Noah is my best friend, and unfortunately we have less and less time to just sit down and talk.

“You have less and less time for me too.”

I took a deep breath and started walking up and down the beach.

“There will be a concert in Vegas at the end of next week, and we would stay there the next day. Would you like to come? Of course, I will pay for the plane ticket.”

“Shall we spend your day off together, just the two of us?” she asked back after a little thought.

“Yes, of course.”

“I really want to go,” she answered excitedly. “And please don't be mad at me… I just miss my boyfriend.”

“I haven't been there since only yesterday,” I told, but her words actually felt nice. If we meet next week, maybe we can overwrite the last two days I spent with her, when we were both out of our minds.

“As if weeks had passed. Only the blue spots on my neck and hips remind me that it wasn't that long ago when we were together.”

I swallowed and laughed confusedly. She touched on the subject I didn't want to talk about, just wanted to forget. It was still too vivid in my memory as I pushed her hips down on the bed with my hands, not because it was in the heat of lust, but because I felt locked in a room with her like a cornered animal. Later, I saw the red marks of my fingers on her skin, and the whole thing horrified me rather than thinking it was sexy.

“I would like to apologize for being too.. fierce.”

"Are you kidding me? I loved it," she giggled from the other end of the line.

I knew she loved it, but it didn't feel right. She didn't understand that I was seriously apologizing to her, and I thought it would be unnecessary to explain to her. We said goodbye soon after that, because she had to go to work, and I was getting hungrier. As I walked back to the house, I vowed to myself to fix everything.

I woke up on the terrace in the bean bag chair, wrapped in a blanket. My neck tensed painfully as I slowly sat up, and I could already feel that it might not be a good idea to fall asleep half-sitting. I saw that the mist had already disappeared over the lake, the mystical atmosphere was replaced by a morning that promised to be hot, and as the sun got higher, the air started to warm up. I covered up and pulled out my phone from my pocket. It was already half past ten. I slept on the terrace for almost three hours, and at some point Noah might have woken up, because I didn't bring the blanket there.

"Good morning," he appeared at the door, as if he sensed that I was thinking of him. He stretched, holding on to the top of the door jamb, then stepped out onto the creaking beams. “The position you were sleeping in didn't seem very comfortable. Have you been out here long?“

“I woke up at six and came out to smoke and make a phone call. I didn't think I'd fall back asleep so easily,” I said, hiding a yawn in my palm.

“Oh, Steven called me this morning. He and his wife are popping in for a bit, but they'll be back tomorrow,” Noah said. That meant I would have to move out of the room, but I just shrugged it off.

“Okay. After all, it's their cottage, they come whenever they want,” I said, and I really didn't mind at all. Steven and Aby were really fun company.

“Is everything okay with Maya?” Noah then asked, scanning my face.

“Yes, of course,” I smiled sleepily. “There was just something we needed to discuss.”

I didn't add that we hadn't really managed to discuss things even now, in fact, I felt as if Maya and I had talked completely in vain, but I was convinced that it was only a matter of time and everything would be fine.

“I am glad. It's good that at least everything is okay with you,” he smiled back at me, but I felt some pain was hiding behind his words. Noah sat down next to the small wooden table, leaning back casually and staring out at the lake. I knew something was bothering him. He couldn't have hidden it, I knew him too well, I spent half my life in his company. But then why didn't I notice something was wrong with him earlier?

“Why didn't you tell me you and Karin are no longer together?”

Noah immediately became more withdrawn and began picking at the chipped paint on the table.

“We were just in the middle of the tour.”

“We could have gone to get drunk with the guys,” I suggested the ancient method, which has already helped many men overcome the emotional difficulties of a breakup.

He inhaled slowly and turned to me.

"I just… I didn't want to make such a big deal out of it," he said in frustration. I knew that if anyone else in the band or his friends would have asked him too many questions, he would have let it be known that enough was enough. I kind of enjoyed being exceptional, but I didn't want to make him angry. I wasn't completely honest with him about Maya either, so… Actually, it hurt that he didn't initiate me and he still doesn't want to talk about it, but in the end I just nodded because it was clear it was a sensitive topic for him.

"Okay," I answered slowly. ”Shall we have breakfast? I’m starving.”

Noah was obviously happy with the change of subject and headed to the kitchen with me to quickly whip up something to eat.

Wet and frozen, I wrapped the towel around myself, then sat down on the blanket. I pulled my legs up, hugged my arms around it, and rested my chin on my knees. I only dipped in the lake up to my waist, but it was enough to completely freeze me. After the overnight storm, the water cooled down a bit, but the sun was shining so strongly that I was sure the temperature of the water would be pleasantly warm again tomorrow. Aby and Steven stayed in the lake and continued playing with a ball without me, and Noah went back into the house because he forgot to bring sunscreen. I reached for my phone and it indicated a message. I received a heart from Maya, which I immediately returned. In the morning, I sent the details of the plane reservation, which will fly her to Las Vegas the following week, and I was satisfied, I felt that I had made the right decision. Both of us could use a little personal conversation.

I heard loud laughter and then screams, so I looked towards the lake. Steven wet Aby's hair, then pulled her along so they were shoulder-deep. Apparently Aby wasn't too mad because they almost immediately got into a heated kiss.

“Did you leave the lovers alone?” I heard Noah's voice. He sat down on the blanket behind me and started creaming his arms and shoulders.

“The water is quite cool,” I answered and fished a cigarette out of the box.

"It certainly isn't for them," Noah laughed. I looked towards the couple again, but quickly looked away. They seemed completely lost in each other, and I didn't feel it was appropriate to stare at them. I looked down in front of me, rolled the cigarette and reached for the lighter with my other hand. At that moment, hot fingers touched my waist and Noah chuckled in my ear.

“Do you get that sizzling sound when you run cold water on an overheated stone or pan?”

Suddenly I didn't even know what he meant, then it clicked.

"Yes, I do, Noah," I rolled my eyes.

“It's the same, just the other way around. Let's say it's like pouring hot water on ice. Although it would make more of a crackling sound.”

“That Cuba Libre hurt you”

Noah just continued to chuckle, his palm resting on my lower back, above the waistband of my swim trunks. I didn't mind, it was nice that it was warming. Like a personal, bite-sized ray of sunshine.

"You're using my shower gel," he said so quietly. No matter how close he was, I could barely hear him.

The small blade of grass stopped between my fingers and I felt my heart start to beat faster. I think it was his voice. It's like we're talking about some secret, forbidden thing. I couldn't even place my own reaction.

“I keep forgetting to take mine with me to the bathroom. Do you mind?” I asked, still staring in front of me.

"What's mine is yours," Noah answered without thinking, slowly taking his hand away from me and walking towards the lake. This sentence was familiar. I told him from the moment we became roommates.

Organizing tattoo inks on a shelf was much more pleasant than cleaning the salon. I couldn't wait to finally start tattooing, and even if it was in small steps, at least I already felt that I was moving towards my goal.

“Nick, could you bring me the dark purple paint?” Michelle asked from the next room, whose door was open.

I took the requested small bottle from the shelf and brought it to Michelle. She was the owner of the salon, a woman in her thirties with dreadlocks, piercings, whom I had barely known for half a year, and I already had a lot to thank her for. When I left home after high school because the three-room apartment was getting too cramped for the six of us, hers was about the tenth salon I visited. I had been sent away from all places before and I almost gave up, but a phone conversation with Noah made me want to try again. I told Michelle that I wanted to make tattoos, but I had no experience at that time. She replied that it was fine, but first I had to walk the steps, which would show if I was persistent enough. In addition to giving me a job, I also got the guest room of her apartment above the salon, which she never used. The amount I earned wasn't much, but since I didn't have to pay for the room, it was just enough to support myself.

That afternoon she had tattooed a girl's calf and was already coloring the flowers. I leaned against the door jamb and watched her work for a while. It was Saturday, but it was raining outside, everything looked gloomy, so it was almost therapeutic to look at the colorful pattern, which was getting more and more realistic.

Michelle smiled at me when she noticed that I was paying attention, then continued to work. I stayed until the bell rang because someone entered the store.

"I'll take care of it," I said to Michelle, then went out to the reception. At first I was very happy for the visitor, but my happiness did not last long. Noah was waddling around in a completely soaked hoodie, water dripping from his hair onto the ground, and he dropped a backpack on the floor next to him. My heart sank as he wrapped his long thin arms around himself. I walked in front of him without saying a word, put my hand on his shoulder and noticed that his trembling lip was badly cracked. I didn't understand it all. It happened that some idiot classmate raised a hand to him… but there was no school that day, I couldn't even imagine where he could have gotten the injury.

“What happened?” I asked fearfully, pulling him by the hand into an empty room where I could shut the door.

"I can't stay home," Noah answered, but that still didn't explain what happened to him.

“Did Andrew do this to you?” I tried to ask a more specific question. Andrew was Noah's mother's boyfriend, and from what I'd heard about him, he didn't seem too bad. He was nice to my friend, and that made him look more likable than Noah’s mother.

Noah snorted and shook his head.

"Andrew would never touch me… like that," he said. The strange emphasis caught my attention, and my mind began to project horrible images. It was so hard to stop myself from shaking him and demanding to answer my questions, but when I looked at him… he was just a child.

“Noah, doe, please. I want to help, but I need information.”

Noah brushed wet locks out of his eyes, then sat down in the tattoo chair and began fiddling with the bottom of his hoodie.

“Yesterday Andrew drank a lot and… we were out on the terrace, talking. It was nice to talk to him, he was really interested in what was going on with me and the school. That's why I didn't go in even when he started behaving strangely. He stared at me a lot.” I swallowed hard and nodded for him to continue. ”Then he sat next to me on the sunbed… so close that our knees touched.” Noah twisted his fingers and bit his lip nervously. I crossed my arms in front of my chest as if I could protect myself from his words. “I should have gone into the house, but he was paying so much attention to me,” he said desperately, his gaze bore into my eyes, but then looked away again. “He put his hand on my thigh and asked if I liked boys doing that.”

I also forgot to take a breath, I was waiting for him to continue, but he didn't. I knelt down in front of him and now I smoothed some strands behind his ears.

“Did he do anything else?”

"No," Noah shook his head. “I told him to stop, leave him there and locked myself in my room.”

I could finally breathe again.

"You did very well," I assured him. “Will you also tell me what happened to your mouth?”

Noah thought for a moment, but then gave a barely perceptible nod.

“We had a fight with my mother. She saw us from the window last night,” Noah explained. “She told me today that her relationship with Andrew was ruined because of me. And.. she also told me many other hurtful things. I told her she shouldn't behave like that with her child, and then she hit me.”

I just blinked and tried to process everything he was telling me. To me ,- whose parents were not perfect, but we helped each other where we could-, it was incredible to hear this.

“Fuck her. Fuck them both,”I blurted out. It was incredibly good to let out a little bit of my anger.

“I'm guessing your friend needs a place to stay?” Michelle entered the room. We both turned to her and she just shrugged. “I didn't mean to eavesdrop, guys. Sorry for that. But if it's like this… Noah, how about sleeping in Nick's room for a while.. while the situation settles down? Of course, only if it suits both of you. Unfortunately, I can't offer anything else, but I can tell you that there will soon be a cleaning position in the salon if you want to earn some money.”

Noah looked at me and his smile was full of hope.

“If he also agrees.”

“We need to get you a mattress,” I muttered under my nose, but I was really just trying to understand what Michelle was referring to by freeing up the cleaning position.

“Thank you, Michelle. And we have to go get my guitar," Noah added with no enthusiasm. Michelle took something out of the cupboard and went back to work, leaving us to ourselves again.

“I will go with you,” I promised him. “We'll bring your stuff.”

Noah nodded, then smiled sweetly.

“You didn't even say Michelle promoted you.”

“I didn't even know until now,” I answered, and my voice was full of excitement. “Oh my… maybe I will be able to tattooing soon?”

“You can start with me,” he offered immediately. “I promise, I will be a good first client. I won't squirm or hiss.”

I felt tears welling up in my eyes, so I quickly hugged Noah and buried my head in his neck. The whole afternoon was a big emotional roller coaster. But he was there with me and I could hug him. I felt that everything fell into place slowly.

“You'll be wet too,” Noah complained, and I just squeezed him even harder.

Of course, we got a mattress that Noah's guitar, clothes, and manga comics ended up laying more than himself.

*Bad Omens - Enough, Enough Now

[aurorafables]

From the Grey, Chapter 3.

Here we go again :)

Pairing: Noah Sebastian X Nicholas Ruffilo

Warnings: 18+, Explicit, Angst, Past character death, Suicidal thoughts

Tags: M/M, F/M, Slow burn, Childhood friends, Friends to lovers, Family drama, Band fic

Word Count: 4.3k

Cross-posted: AO3

3.

It was barely past five in the morning, but I felt like I couldn't wait any longer. As quietly as possible, I sat up in bed, got out from under the covers, and headed towards my bag to put on the clothes I had prepared the night before. When I successfully completed this task without waking Maya, I snuck off to the bathroom to freshen up a bit before heading out. I was waiting to finally step out the door of their house, because for the last two days I felt like I was locked up.

The whole madness started when Maya couldn't even bear the thought that I didn't want to spend all my two free weeks with her. Therefore, from the moment I arrived, she tried to persuade me to stay with her with nice words, and when that didn't work, she tried to convince me that it was my duty to spend all my free time with her. It all got so bad that the day before I was already counting down the minutes until the plane took off, and I couldn't even sleep properly. When we got into bed at night, Maya blinked at me from under her long eyelashes, then her hand slipped under my boxers, and… I felt that if I gave her what she wanted, maybe she would leave it alone until morning. We had sex so that I would silence her guilt-inducing monologues. To pass the time. And these thoughts did not let me sleep.

I placed a quick kiss on Maya's bare shoulder and then I was gone. While I was waiting for the taxi in the morning orange sunlight, I lit a cigarette. My hands were shaking, even though it wasn't cold at all. I wanted to blame it on tiredness, but I know it was caused by the turmoil of repressed emotions. I rarely felt like yelling, but then I really wanted to. I texted Noah from the airport about my approximate arrival time. I didn't want to call him because he must have been asleep. It was only five in the morning in California when I got on the morning flight. I managed to take an hour's nap before we landed, and after a bit of rest, the past few days with Maya felt less desperate. I headed to the rental car, and after I picked up the car, I still had two hours of driving ahead of me, so I got a big cup of coffee beforehand.

It was ten o'clock when I decided on the way to call Noah because he didn't answer my message. “Good morning,” I greeted enthusiastically, to which a small grunt was the answer. It's like waking a bear from its winter sleep. I laughed at myself. “It would be time to get up to start my breakfast.” “Where are you?” Noah asked sleepily. "Less than an hour and I'll be there," I told him. “Scrambled eggs, please.” “Pff… and what makes you think there are eggs in the fridge anyway?” “Have you ever seen yourself when hungry? There must be something in the fridge that you can throw together for me.” Noah was silent for a moment, then sighed dramatically. "Maybe you’re right, but I'm not sure I can follow that logic this early," he admitted. “Okay. I want scrambled eggs, that's the point,” I said unflinchingly, with a laugh in my voice. “And a coffee will come in handy, too. For both of us.” Noah made a noise that sounded like agreement.

As I drove between tall rocks and evergreens, I listened to his breathing. It's been eight days and I'm already missing him. We didn't part as best friends, and it all seemed to take a heavy toll on my past week. I wanted to sit down and talk. Somewhere along the line I lost track of Karin and couldn't wait to catch up. Maybe she wasn't the best person, but if Noah needs her, I'm definitely not going to stand in their way. We'll be fine - I'll even be nice to her - as long as she doesn't hurt my best friend. I wanted to make sure that I would support him in anything, and if I had to, I would stand up to anyone for Karin. “Noah,” I sighed, which was answered by a small whimper. I smiled. I think he's half asleep already. “I'll see you soon,”I told him quietly, because I didn't want to wake him up. I could almost see his sleepy eyes, his messy hair, the pillow mark on his face. With such an intense tour, we all needed a few long naps. I ended the call and tried to keep myself awake for the rest of the time admiring the nature. The sun was shining, I could feel myself sweating even under my sunglasses.

It was almost noon when I arrived at the lakeside cottage. I parked next to Noah's SUV and took out my package from the back seat. The first thing that always stood out when I got there was the peace and quiet, and the crystal clear air. Birds chirped, ducks quacked in the distance, but no human noise penetrated the shelter. It's been a while since I've seen another car coming up the little road, and I think that's what Noah loved so much about this place. Sometimes it meant more than anything to be able to shut ourselves away from the world, especially to him. He needed silence and solitude as much as he needed thousands of fans to sing with him. That's how it worked, that's how he was able to recharge.

I went up the small stairs to the terrace and took out the spare key from under the flower pot, which I then used to open the front door. The floor creaked under my feet as I entered the living room. I tried to sneak upstairs quietly, but the wooden stairs wouldn't cooperate with me. It's okay, it was time to wake up Noah anyway. First I dropped my bag into the empty room, then carefully opened into Noah's room.

The blinds were still drawn, but the sun still flooded the small room with orange light. There wasn't much inside, just a bed, a wardrobe, a floor lamp, and a comfortable, ancient armchair next to it. Noah was lying on his back, one long, tattooed arm bent over his head and the other resting on his bare stomach. He slowly opened one eye, and when he was sure it was really me, he smiled lazily. He looked exactly as I imagined on the road: like a sleepy kitten just waking up. I completely banished the thought of how rough we were with each other last time, my legs started on their own towards the bed. I knelt on the mattress and kissed his cheek, then after a little hesitation I hugged him. I was afraid that he would push me away or just would have remained motionless like a piece of stone, but my worries were unfounded. He wrapped his arms around me, and I fell headfirst onto his pillow between his shoulders and neck. His skin was still warm from sleep, his shower gel mixed with his own scent and a little sweat. Everything I know, everything I love… he smelled like home. “I missed you.” “I missed you too.” “I'll make you breakfast.” “I'm not against it,” I muttered to him, but he still didn't let me pull away.

I turned a little to the side to catch my breath, and then I saw the oppressed cigarette stubs in the ashes. “Did you smoke?” I asked him, but I tried not to be judgmental. Noah has had issues with weed before and I preferred to have someone with him when he lit up to remind him to be moderate. Of course, I would never admit that to him. "In the evening… maybe… a little," he said contritely. “I was bored. Then I called Jesse and we talked for about three hours.” “You can also call me if you are bored.” “I didn't want to spoil your evening with Maya.” I was glad he couldn't see my face. I'm sure he would have been able to tell by the flutter of my eyelashes that something was wrong. Would it have bothered me if he would have called me to prevent something that, unfortunately, for my taste, was closer to fucking than to making love? No, I don't think so…and maybe that call would have saved me the guilt. “You can call me at any time,” I assured him and slowly unwrapped myself from the hug. “I know,” he answered, scanning my face. “You look tired” “Uhm, yeah. The trip, and things like that,… “ I said half-heartedly and started towards the door, then looked back at him. He was already sitting up in bed, hair was a mess and his face was a little grumpy. Neither of us really liked mornings. “I'll take a quick shower, then we'll eat something together. After that, I might sleep a little, if that's okay.” “Of course, whatever you want.”

I went back to my room, looked for clean underwear, a pair of comfortable shorts and a t-shirt, then locked myself in the bathroom. I was already undressing when I remembered I left my toiletry bag outside, but I was sure Noah wouldn't mind if I used his shower gel. I put my hair in a bun on top of my head, then stepped into the small shower and turned the water to lukewarm to freshen up a bit… and wake up. According to my sense of time, it should have been well into the afternoon, but here it wasn't even noon. I'm still having a hard time getting used to the time difference, but since we've been touring all over the world, I've been able to practice a bit. I quickly toweled off and put on my clothes. I felt much better. When I walked down the stairs to the kitchen and smelled the coffee and fried bacon, I smiled straight away. "Sit down, I'll bring the breakfast," Noah said as he pointed to the table with the wooden spoon. My scrambled eggs soon arrived, medium done, just the way I liked them accompanied with a cup of coffee. Noah sat across, waiting for me to taste it. I knew he wasn't going to start his own portion until he saw my reaction. I dipped one corner of the toast into the egg, then bit into it. I may have played a bit when I let out a contented moan with my eyes closed.

"This is divine," I said happily as I continued to eat. Noah smiled back, then joined me. We cleared everything off our plates in ten minutes, and I offered to wash up, but he shook his head firmly. “Get some more sleep.” I didn't object, I really needed some rest. I stretched out, drank the last sip of coffee, then got up from the table. I stepped behind him as he sat hunched over by the small table, resting my forearms on his shoulders and snuggling up to his face. He took a deep breath, then he returned the gesture. I think we spent too much time with my cats. “Thank you for the breakfast, it was delicious.” "I'm good at scrambled eggs," Noah chuckled. “Not just in scrambled eggs. Or are you modest because you want to hide from cooking?” I teased him. “Calm down. If you want some cereal, I'll mix it perfectly with the milk.” I laughed tiredly. "Tomorrow," I answered with a yawn. ”But I'll take care of the dinner. Talk to you later,” I said, straightening up and walking towards the stairs. "I'm glad you're here," Noah said after me, and when I turned around, I returned his grateful smile.

I allowed myself two hours of sleep, which is why I set the alarm, but when I turned off, I fell back asleep almost immediately, only to have stupid dreams. I was finally woken up by a call on my phone. Suddenly I didn't even know where I was, I was just blindly trying to fumble for my mobile on the bedside table. With half-opened eyes, I looked at the too-bright display on which Maya's name was flashing. I sighed, bit my lip and waited. I should have picked it up, but I didn't want to, and the feeling was terrible. I texted her when I got off the plane, another when I arrived at the lake, she knew I was fine, at least that's how I reassured myself when the ringing stopped. However, I opened our messages again and quickly texted her that the signal is not the best, and I will call her tomorrow. It was past four-thirty, which meant I'd slept more than two and a half hours, but I still didn't feel completely fresh, in fact. My eyes wanted to close, it was hard for me to get out of bed, but I didn't want to stay, because I should rather sleep at night. It's enough if my biorhythm gets completely confused during a tour. I pulled out the shades, squinted for a while, found my glasses in my backpack, then headed off to find Noah.

I walked around the house, then following the sounds and I found him on the terrace. They video chatted with Matt. Noah put his feet up on a chair, stretched out comfortably on the other, and if I had to guess, he had gin and tonic in his glass. "Hello, Nick," Matt greeted me as I walked into the video with messy hair. “Good morning,” I told him in a hoarse voice, then I sat down in the bean bag armchair. “This is too comfortable. I could go back to sleep,” I complained under my nose as Noah turned to me and smiled at my problem. “There's beer in the fridge. And a lot of other alcohol.” “And I will stay with the boring coffee again,” I yawned, making myself comfortable.

Matt and Noah planned for at least another hour, sometimes asking for my opinion on how to continue the tour. There were other times when we had to work during such a short break, but it was a great luck that we were like a big family or like a group of friends, and so it was much more relaxed. We joked with each other, we could pour our hearts out, we could honestly share our opinions with each other. So when Matt said goodbye to us, I didn't feel tired, as if I had sat through a long meeting with the publisher, but rather I was in a good mood because of the many laughs. We went into the cottage later and since I promised to take care of dinner, I threw together some grilled chicken with salad. Noah has been really committed to a healthy lifestyle these past few months and I've been supporting him where I can. Of course, that didn't mean we didn't drink alcohol sometimes or eat things full of sugar, but I've always believed that the key is not to completely avoid certain foods, but moderation. That's why I was surprised that he smoked weed the night before.

After a delicious dinner, we sat out on the terrace with a beer in hand. It was already dusk outside, the crickets started chirping, and the sweaty heat was replaced by a pleasant, summer evening with a slightly chilling wind. Noah settled into the other bean bag chair, his head tilted back, the muscles on his neck tensed under his tattoos. There was no sign of Karin on her skin now, at least not in a visible place, and that reminded me that there were some topics we should talk about. “So… Keaton's song…,” I started with a topic deemed safer. I heard that Noah was talking about Matt wanting to sing Sympathy by Too Close To Touch on the fall tour. Noah opened his eyes, looked at me and nodded. “If only a few people love him and discover what a great artist he was, then I've already reached my goal. He deserved more.” Noah's voice was hushed with emotion, and I reached for his free hand without thinking. We intertwined our fingers like we used to when one of us needed support. "And it will help you, too," I remarked, then took a sip of my beer. Noah has always had a very peculiar way of dealing with losses.

We already made it through our umpteenth summer festival, and it was only the end of June. It was hellishly hot on stage in our black clothes, the setting sun shone into our eyes the whole time, but the show went incredibly well, the audience was cooperative despite the heat, and it filled all four of us with energy. After we got off stage and I put my guitar down, the first thing I did was pour the remaining bottled water over my head. I tied my wet hair and couldn't wait to get back to the hotel so I could take a shower. I was about to go into the tent next to the stage when I noticed Bryan, Jolly, and Folio standing around Noah, who was leaning on the edge of a dumpster. “What happened?” I asked them. Jolly handed his water to Noah, who rinsed his mouth and gasped. “It got bad as soon as we got down,” Folio answered me. “Must be the fucking heat.” In the meantime, Matt also arrived nervously, trying to assess the situation. “I'm fine now,” Noah growled at us. He poured the water around his neck and then took off his tank-top. His face was still very pale, but he wasn't panting so fast anymore. “What? Do you want to see me throw out again? The show is over today.” Matt asked him if he was sure he didn't need medical help, and when Noah shook his head firmly, Jolly looked at me meaningfully and began ushering the others into the tent.

"Everything's okay. Really." Noah turned to me, and his voice was much softer than before. “I've seen you a couple of times when you were sick,” I folded my arms in front of my chest. ”After nights of partying or lonely drinking sessions. Also in the hospital when you had tubes hanging out of you, so you can't scare me. Not even if you're a jerk.” Noah's lips curled into a tired smile, then he slid down next to the thick trunk of a tree. I sat down in front of him on the grass. “I didn't even want you to go in with the others,” he confessed. I smiled too and started fiddling with a blade of grass. The heat was really terrible, but I think I figured out what else could be the problem.

“It happened on this day, didn't it?” I asked him quietly. Noah raised his dark eyes at me, and he didn't need to say anything else, he was a completely open book in front of me. "I'm fine," he confirmed again. "There was just a moment when images flashed…" he buried his head in his hands, then smoothed his hair back before continuing. “Like in my nightmares, except now I was awake. It happened when we were on stage and I wasn't expecting it. That's it.” “Don't you think it's too much? I mean.. to perform Dethrone every single time?” I asked him, something that had been in my head for a long time, but now was the perfect time to bring it up. A song in which Noah relives his worst childhood memory of the day of the car accident and blames God for the fact that no one but him got out alive. The lyrics from a few minutes before were still echoing in my head… full of exact details.

"Let me take you back to when I was killed and born again Woke up in the light convinced my life had made it to its end Burning up beneath the sun while my father drained of blood If he's there, I've got a message for the man that's up above, fuck you If he's home, I've got a message from below Getting out is not enough if nobody else can come"*

It was the day he lost his father, he got to his religious grandparents, and to the claws of his mother. He was eleven years old at the time, and from one moment to the next, the ground completely slipped from under his feet. I was never into religion as a kid, but Noah talked a lot about what it was like to belong to a community - which sounded more like a cult - when they were forced to. My family did not go to a community or church, but I also understood those who found it comforting to believe in a higher power. I didn't mind if someone was an atheist either, I didn't choose friends based on that. However, when thirteen-year-old Noah told his story shortly after we met, that the only person who really loved and understood him died next to him while on vacation, I had to realize that when someone is angry with God, it doesn't just happen. If someone feels this way, there must be a very good reason. “The fans love it,” he shrugged his shoulders with a small proud smile, then the features on his face solidified. “And I.. I die a little every time so that I can rise like a phoenix and be stronger than before.”

I got goosebumps again as I thought about this conversation from a few weeks ago. We just sat on the terrace, we were silent, holding each other's hands and listening to the little noises that were part of the summer evening. Noah asked for my lighter and lit the candles on the table, because in the meantime it was getting dark. The candlelight danced on his face as he looked ahead and slowly drank his beer.

“I would like to know what did I hurt you with the last time,” I broke the silence. “I felt bad afterwards and I don't even know what was wrong. I don't want it to happen again.” Noah looked at me over his beer bottle. I pulled my hand away to light a cigarette and waited patiently. I didn't want to hurry, I knew that if I gave him time, he would tell. “I don't see Karin anymore. And I overreacted things last time.” I was filled with both relief and worry at his words. “Oh. Does this mean you two broke up?” Noah snorted and pulled one of its long legs under him so he could face me better. “We've never been together. We were just… trying to get what we needed from the other. And by that I don't necessarily mean sex. Not only that,” he explained with a pained smile. “Obviously, it didn't work.” "I'm sorry," I said with a lump in my throat. I was too sensitive when it came to Noah. I always soaked up all his pain like a sponge, as if I could ease it, even though I couldn't and could have learned that in these situations he needed a strong Nick. Noah chuckled softly beside me, shaking his head as he did so. I looked at him with a confused face. “I don't think you're sorry,” he answered my silent question. “You tried to talk me out of it for months. You were right.” “I'm not sorry that you and she don't meet anymore. But I’m sorry, because you didn't get what you wanted.” Noah looked up from under his eyelashes for a long time, then took the last sip of beer and set the bottle down on the wooden floor next to him.

“Not everyone can be as lucky with their relationship as some people,” he pushed my leg with his own. I turned away from him and started staring at the darkness, somewhere above the lake. “You and Maya are getting along, right?” He could have asked that question at any other time and I would have smiled and nodded at him without thinking. “Yes, everything is fine with us,” I finally said, but the words came very hard. With more guilt and anxiety immediately. Noah leaned forward, elbows on knees, and waited. I was wondering which of us would give up sooner this time. The wind picked up even more and thunder could be heard in the distance. “Nick?” he asked urgently. It didn't last long. I sighed, smoked the last of my cigarette, then extinguished it in the ashes. “The past week has been a bit messy. I got home tired and was impatient with her.” "Nick, you are the most patient, devoted, empathetic person I know," Noah said with confusion in his voice. "You don't know this side of me," I told him, hiding my hands in the sleeves of my hooded sweatshirt. Noah followed my every move with his eyes. “Don't hide from me, please,” he whispered pleadingly. I sighed again, this time I couldn't even deny the frustration. “Maybe there are problems, but I will fix it.” That was the end of the conversation, and luckily Noah understood. He nodded, then stood up and bent over the table to blow out the candles one by one. We sat in the dark for at least another hour, listening to the approaching storm and each other's breathing.

*Bad Omens - Dethrone

[aurorafables]

☝️ All the works are fictional ☝️ ...and all are posted on AO3

Pairing: Noah Sebastian X Nicholas Ruffilo

Warnings: 18+, Explicit, Angst, Past character death, Suicidal thoughts

Tags: M/M, F/M, Slow burn, Childhood friends, Friends to lovers, Family drama, Band fic

Summary: In Noah's life, his best friend was the light, the way out of the abuse he suffered at home. After a childhood full of trauma, in which he was stripped of his wings so many times, he moves in with Nick, whose goal is to let him fly. The band, Bad Omens, led by Noah, begins to soar, which brings at least as many problems as joy. As teenagers grow into men, Noah and Nick drift closer and closer to each other, and the boundaries of friendship and love completely merge.

Chapters: One Two Three Four Five Six Seven Eight Nine Ten Eleven Twelve Thirteen Fourteen Fifteen Sixteen Seventeen Eighteen Nineteen Twenty

[aurorafables]

From the Grey, Chapter 2.

First of all, thank you for the likes and reblogging 😊 you just made my day when I saw any activity on my post. The story will be more than 20 chapters, so it's time for the second part. Enjoy! 😉

Pairing: Noah Sebastian X Nicholas Ruffilo

Warnings: 18+, Explicit, Angst, Past character death, Suicidal thoughts

Tags: M/M, Slow burn, Childhood friends, Friends to lovers, Family drama, Band fic

Word Count: 3.7k

Cross-posted: AO3

2.

All four of us hated interviews, and no matter how much we tried to take some of the burden off Noah's shoulders, as the main lyricist and music writer, as well as the lead singer of the band, most of the time it fell to him to answer the questions. Over the years, he got better at it, and he took the hurdles more easily from interview to interview. He could dissolve in a few minutes, and if asked about the process of creation, he could talk for hours.

We were in one of our label's offices between two concerts. Noah was called from a magazine, and they were talking on video call, and I, out of the picture, stretched out in the mustard yellow faux leather armchair with my cell phone. I was only half paying attention to the conversation, but sometimes I got lost in Noah's soothing voice while I was replying to my girlfriend's messages. When the possible connection between his lyrics and his experiences came up, I looked at him a little worried. I could only half see his face from behind his laptop screen, but I waited with bated breath for an answer. Noah thought for a moment, then revealed as much as he could, but gave as vague an answer as possible. “ … I'm trying to find the limit so that everyone can relate to what they’re going through, at least for the most part. And I also think it’s kind of corny sometimes to be like too specific and… it takes out the fun of it, the whole thing loses its effect and its poetry. In addition, I don't like to express my life and personal experiences too much through the lyrics. I want them to talk about my music, not me.” I was damn proud of him, and I think it was written on my face, because he glanced over at me and gave me a thumbs up under the table where only I could see. I was afraid that he would be put in an uncomfortable situation, that things he didn't want to talk about would be taken out of him, but he solved it professionally and then steered the conversation to slightly lighter topics. I remembered the moment when he was afraid and pushed the little notebook in front of me that hid the pieces of his soul.

We were both at the tattoo parlor trying to pass the time until closing time. Noah had finished a nice bathroom cleaning that I had done when I was a newbie, and was sitting on the corner sofa, holding a notebook that I've seen him carry a lot lately. I looked up from my sketch and watched him bite his lip as he wrote something down. Then he drew out a line, brushed a strand of hair that hung in his face behind his ear, and resumed writing. It was always good to spend time together, even if we were just sitting in the same room and lost in our own things. The silence was also pleasant with him. I really realized this when Noah spent the night with someone else a few days earlier. I had a hard time falling asleep, and even when I did, I woke up an hour later. It was five in the morning when I checked my phone for the umpteenth time and put it back on the windowsill in frustration because he hadn't texted me. I mentally forbade myself to ask him if he was okay, but it cost me to wake up the next morning as a zombie and go to work. It wasn't until the next night - as I listened to Noah breathe softly on the mattress - that I realized that I was missing it. The sound of his breathing. I glanced at the clock—we still had at least twenty minutes—then closed the sketchbook, stretched out, and sat down next to Noah on the couch. The corner of his mouth turned up as he realized I was there, but otherwise he didn't bother, continued to write, only looking up again when he seemed to have reached the end. Whatever he was doing. I didn't know him as someone who writes a diary, so my first guess would have been song lyrics. But I didn't really have to grope in the dark for long, because he opened his notebook and handed it to me. I raised my eyebrows questioningly, but took it from him without a word. I detected a slight nervousness in his dark brown eyes, and he added to it when he started biting his lower lip. I knew it was a big deal that was happening and I just felt I was the first to read into his notebook. Noah pulled up one leg, rested his chin on his knee, and looked at me as I began to read between the transcribed, drawn out lines.

"I see through you I know what you are I've seen the Devil more than I've seen God And when he has you by your neck I hope you choke on every fucking word you said" "You've dug your grave and you have no one but yourself to blame I see the world in black and white Because true color always fades under the right lights"*

“Wow,” I said with a big sigh, and staring in front of me, I tried to process what the lines were saying. I guessed who it might be about, it wasn't hard to figure out who he was so angry with, because these words almost oozed hatred. Then when I got over it, I could finally appreciate it all. "Noah, that's pretty good," I looked at him, and I can only hope that he saw in my eyes how sincerely I said this. Because in my opinion there was no trace of bias, only admiration. “Why don't you show it to your band?” Noah snorted and took the notebook back. “I'm not even seventeen, Nick. Why would they listen to me? Why would they want anything to do with a kid's lyrics?” “Because it's fucking good?” I asked back in disbelief. “No,” he shook his head and threw the notebook and pen into his bag. “It wouldn't make any sense if someone else sang it.” I watched as he quickly packed up and sullenly sank into the soft couch with folded arms. Oh…he never mentioned that. “Do you want to sing, doe?” I asked him with a smile. Noah rolled his eyes at the nickname I had given him a few years ago when he suddenly grew and was all legs and arms. “Why would I want to, when it looks like we'll soon get our first record deal as guitarists?” “Because you are young, full of dreams,” I whispered to him while I leaned my head on his shoulder. “You can be anything else. Just imagine… the audience standing at your feet and singing along with you word for word the songs you wrote.” Noah didn't answer right away, I'm sure he was toying with the idea of ​​what it would be like if… "Nick, you are crazy," he finally said, laughing in confusion. “I'm just fucking tired,” I defended myself, during a yawn. “But I still mean what I said.” I pulled away from him, and Noah just shook his head in disbelief. In the four years we've known each other, I've noticed that he reacts strangely when I tell him he can do something big. It hurts to think that the reason for this could be that in his childhood he was constantly trying to destroy him to such an extent that he simply cannot deal with encouragement. It's like he expects me to laugh at him after that and tell him to forget it, he'll never be able to do that. And yes, it still hurt a little that he assumed that about me, but I understood it was unfortunately coded into his DNA. Words and their amazing power… However, there is something more here: his desire to prove himself, his determination and perseverance. “I hate so much that I can't put these in her face anymore,” he spoke after a while, almost muttering. It's like he's tired of all this a long time ago. Our eyes met and without a word I slid closer to hug him. "I know… I know," I whispered into his hair, then kissed his head. His dreams trumped everything, which makes me very proud of him. He started to build his life nicely, and before our first album was completely finished, our song Glass Houses also received the last touches and expansions on the text, just to make it all round:

"You said I'd never make it You said I'd make a mistake But now I'm right where I belong and you've got nothing to say"*

Noah founded a new band that was all his own, he started singing, and the audience is already singing along. And his mother has been rotting in a cemetery ever since, but perhaps not so deep that if thousands of people were shouting at the same time, she wouldn't hear the message intended for her.

We stepped out of the air-conditioned office into the Californian heat and the hustle and bustle of the street. I put on my sunglasses and waited for Noah to find his before we hit the road. People went to lunch, and at that time they poured out of the offices, and although we didn't fit in with the figures in suits and costumes, we still tried to remain invisible. Jolly and Folio were waiting for us at a Mexican restaurant just a few blocks from the Sumerian Records office. We stopped at a red light, and as the asphalt almost steamed from the heat, I regretted not tying my hair before we left the office. I ran my hands under my thick curls and lifted my hair a little. Noah looked at me and smiled. "There are advantages to having short hair, you know," he remarked, and I just stuck out my tongue. “Maybe some people can do whatever he want with his hairstyle, but I think my magic lies in my hair,” I answered him. “I can't believe that. When I met you, your hair was still short, and even then…” he began, but the light turned green, so we set off in the rushing crowd. “What then?” I asked him when we got through. Noah glanced at me from behind his glasses and shrugged. “Even then, you were you.” I furrowed my brows at his answer, but did not pursue the matter further. We were approaching a Starbucks, and I had already guessed that we would have a stop there. I was right, because Noah touched my arm and motioned with his head towards the entrance. I followed him, and I didn't mind that there were a few ahead of us, because at least we could cool down in there. "I'm getting the key to Steven's lake cottage next week," Noah said unexpectedly, while I squinted at the list of iced drinks on the wall behind the counter. Then I turned to him and waited for him to continue. “If you think so, of course, only if you want to… it would be great if you could join me.” Noah had pushed his sunglasses up on top of his head, I could see his eyes full of hope. I don't even remember the last time we went somewhere without the boys. "The thing is…" Noah continued while I was lost in my thoughts, "I miss you. Since I've been living in California with the others, we don't hang out much outside of the band.” He spoke my thoughts out loud in their entirety. We had another concert on Saturday this week, then two weeks of rest, which I would have liked to have spent with him, but then something came up to my mind. “I promised to come to Maya's mom's birthday party next week.” Storm clouds appeared on Noah's face. As fast as being doused with a bucket of ice water. He's always had a hard time with rejection…and besides, he's never waited to find out if it really was rejection. “Then…” “I have to be at the party organized by my girlfriend. But that doesn't mean I have to stay with them for the second week,” I told him with a small smile as I ran my palm over his forearm. “So yes, you can count on me, along with a dozen mosquitos.” Noah finally smiled genuinely, flashing his white teeth as his eyes narrowed and his small laugh lines deepened. I was instantly euphoric, but the thought that I would still have done anything to see him happy was terrifying. It was soon our turn to order, but for some reason I got really stuck studying his face. I watched him speak — I couldn't even remember what I ordered in the end — and I thought to myself what a strange coincidence that Maya is Asian. Until now, I didn't even pay much attention to this, but then our tour in Japan a few years ago popped into my mind.

Noah was lounging in a towel in front of the bathroom mirror, drying his hair. I sat on the bed in his hotel room and waited for him to finish, because we had to go to the rehearsal. I fumbled with my phone when I found a picture from the day before with both of us tagged. When we went sightseeing, some fans came up to us and we took a picture with them. Back then, it was still rare to be recognized on the street. I grinned and got up to go to the bathroom to show the picture to Noah as he had been in a weird mood all day and I expected it to cheer him up a bit. I raised my cell phone in front of his face. Noah stopped brushing his hair and put the hairbrush on the counter, then took the phone from me. He looked at the photo with critical eyes, then looked into the mirror, where our eyes met. He returned the mobile and said nothing. He turned on the hotel's hair dryer and began the operation with complete resignation, and I stood beside him, confused. “Is something wrong?” I asked in the loud noise. “What did you say?” he asked back after turning off the hair dryer. I sighed and leaned against the counter. "I thought you'd like it here," I admitted. ”It's a big adventure that we got this far with the band, and besides, hey, we're in Japan!” I spread my arms in confusion. Noah looked at me silently, his eyes shining darkly, then finally just shook his head. “Should I get more excited because we are in the birthplace of Manga and Anime?” he asked cynically. I wanted so badly to understand… I wanted to know what was going through his mind. I wasn't satisfied with that answer. "Your roots lead back here," I said quietly. Noah snorted and ran the brush over his hair again. “I have no roots. I'm just going with the flow.” “Do you mean you hate Japan?” “Why should I love it? Nothing binds me here except my mother's devil plan to not rest until she gives birth to a half-breed child.” I've heard this story before, and since then I haven't been able to understand what kind of person is, who is able to wade through all emotions and reason for the sake of a fixation. “This place… it just confirms to me that I don't fit in completely here either.” I remembered the bullying he received at school for being different from the others, which must have contributed to his dropping out of education at the age of fifteen. The blue bruise on his cheekbone and how he wouldn't even admit to me that one of his idiot classmates had laid a hand on him. Things got a little better when he started hanging out with us, the graduates who were three years older, but after graduation I couldn't protect him anymore. Freak, bastard, mix, little girl because of his long hair, fag… and these are just the adjectives he told me, who knows what words were thrown at his head. I have already received some of these, but it hurt much more to know that Noah had to face this every day. I looked up at him, because he was already half a head taller than me, and I only spoke when he was finally paying attention to me. “I don't know how much my opinion matters, but I think your mother's only good decision is that you exist.” I turned away and left him alone in the bath. Let his rage some more if he felt he needed to, but first I wanted to let him know how important he was to me. The next day, when we were in Nara, the city of deers, Noah finally smiled after a week. Indeed, his whole face brightened and he fed the animals as happily as a small child. As he sunk his teeth into his bottom lip and tried to hold back a burst of laughter as he idly watched me being torn apart by some naughty deers for a few morsels of food, I realized that digging into things the day before had been worth it.

Noah was a step ahead of me, checking on his phone if we were going in the right direction, and I was behind him sipping my shake, which turned out to be chocolate flavored after the first taste. My gaze drifted to his broad shoulders, then to his tattooed biceps, which tensed slightly as he gestured with his iced coffee towards a street where we had to turn. I would have bet that none of his old classmates would have dared to bully him again. The others were already sitting at the table when we arrived. Jolly noted that he was already starting to starve, which didn't seem like much of a problem since the appetizer was already on the table. Noah immediately threw himself on some roasted, spicy peppers while I browsed the drink menu. “How was the interview?” asked Folio, his cold beer in hand. I glanced up at them from behind the little notebook. “The usual," Noah shrugged, then licked his finger. “Don't worry, it wasn't mentioned that you fell on your ass on the way down the stairs at the last concert,” he added with an evil grin, for which our drummer punched him on the shoulder in return. We all started laughing. I remembered walking off the stage two days ago, exhausted, Folio coming after me, and then after a big thump - which I could hear clearly even through the loud shouting of the audience - I looked back and thought he was gone, but then I saw him sitting on the metal steps. Fortunately, he was not harmed. “I thought I would rest a bit,” Folio defended himself. “Some people hold only one microphone the whole time, and I am the one who trains hard on stage for an hour and a half. You should try it sometime, Noah.” “I'm still perfect the way I’m,” Noah looked at me and we smiled at each other. “You don't want to hear my drumming skill,” he added horrified. "Personally, I don't want to hear Folio sing," I interjected, and the others laughed and nodded in agreement. “Great, then everything will remain as it was,” concluded Jolly. The waiter came out and took our order. Noah asked for half the menu because he wanted to try everything, so I only ordered a burrito. I felt that I would have leftovers from his order.

“And what are your plans for the break?” Folio asked. "I'm meeting Maya," I answered. “I am going home to the family in Sweden,” said Jolly. “I have to record some vocals, then I will rest,” Noah answered. “With Karin?” Folio asked back. The mood at the table suddenly became frosty. Noah snorted but didn't say anything, just poked at the napkin. I felt that somehow I had to save him from this unpleasant situation. "That wouldn't be about rest," I said, the first thing that came to mind. It seemed like a good idea to play it off with a joke, but when Noah turned his head toward me, he looked at me like he couldn't believe I just said that. I already regretted speaking. "I'll be right back, guys," Noah said, still staring at me like I'd grown a second head. He headed for the bathrooms and I was so damn tempted to follow him and find out what was wrong, but I couldn't. I didn't want to run after him in front of our friends like I was his puppy, so I sighed and put my hands on my knees as if I could hold my legs back from the walk. "It would be good to neglect this Karin subject, Folio," said Jolly, then turned to me. “Don't feel bad about it. We didn't know we couldn't even joke with him.” I actually felt bad because I didn't know… I had no idea what was going on between Noah and the girl, so I didn't even think about hurting my best friend. Noah acted like I didn't exist that day. He quickly finished his lunch and said he had work to do and had to go. I stayed there with the boys and a pile of food. The tension eased a bit for our weekend concert, but it was still fucked up.

Suddenly, I found myself on the plane home, still not sure what happened at the restaurant. I've regretted a thousand times that I didn't go and find out what was wrong. I could only hope that we would be able to discuss it next week, and that was only one of the reasons why I couldn't wait to fly back to him in California.

*Bad Omens - Glass Houses

[aurorafables]

From the Grey, Chapter 1.

Let's get is started. :) I'm very excited, and I hope you will like it bc I loved to write it.

Pairing: Noah Sebastian X Nicholas Ruffilo

Warnings: 18+, Explicit, Angst, Past character death, Suicidal thoughts

Tags: M/M, Slow burn, Childhood friends, Friends to lovers, Family drama, Band fic

Word Count: 4.2k

Cross-posted: AO3

Author's note: This was originally written in Hungarian, and I'm still looking for a proofreader, so please forgive me the mistakes, strange expressions. Hope it's still enjoyable. Let me know, what do you think. :) Also let me know if you want to be tagged in the upcoming parts :)

Summary: In Noah's life, his best friend was the light, the way out of the abuse he suffered at home. After a childhood full of trauma, in which he was stripped of his wings so many times, he moves in with Nick, whose goal is to let him fly. The band, Bad Omens, led by Noah, begins to soar, which brings at least as many problems as joy. As teenagers grow into men, Noah and Nick drift closer and closer to each other, and the boundaries of friendship and love completely merge.

Chapter 1.

It would be difficult to say exactly when it started. It was as if the dynamic between the two of us had completely changed without being noticed. I could compare it to when I'm doing a tattoo and I want to create a nice color gradient to make the design look as realistic as possible. The point is that you can't tell where one color ends and the other color begins. Even between us, the transition from wanting to hug him in a friendly way to kissing him passionately was imperceptible.

Maybe I woke up like that one day, but it's also possible that the desire had been brewing in me for weeks, months, years, I just blocked it deep down. And what if I felt that little spark the first time we met, but I was still almost a child and couldn't identify it? I have to start this story somewhere. And like most fairy tales, it didn't start well. The mood of the whole band was cast by melancholy over the loss of a friend. But like all dead artists, Keaton remained immortal. His voice will live forever on the records, despite the fact that he was not with us anymore. The music of Too Close To Touch mingled with the cohesive low murmur of the crowd outside in the club's concert hall, where Keaton's vocals echoed painfully through the walls. "Death is not a game with the ones I hold close She was mine, mine, you can't deny Three years is too quick to die"* All his anger, all his pain were in the song he wrote about his little sister, who died lying on a hospital bed. In the text, he blamed God for choosing little Eiley over him. The poor boy had no idea at the time that they were both chosen… Personally, I would have liked to break something if I remembered that he was gone now, and I could only reassure myself that maybe they were already up there together. If it even exists up there. Because what if up there is actually only two meters underground?

The song didn't come at the best moment, because we had to go on stage right after, and I might be able to hide my mood in front of the audience… I glanced at Noah and my heart sank when I saw him banging his head against the wall, clutching the microphone in his hand, next to the stage, which we will soon have to walk up to. He closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths, which I completely forgot to do in parallel. I was so worried about him. I knew he'd hate himself for that if his voice cracked while singing the opening lines of The Death Of Peace Of Mind. His maximalism was what he could torture himself with the most. Also, he had to be up there alone at the beginning of the song, we didn't join until later. I walked to him and gently put my hand on his shoulder, but I still managed to scare him a little because he pulled away before he opened his eyes. When he saw me, he almost snuggled back into my hand. It reminded me of my very first cat, the little black ball of fur I found on the street when I was barely ten. I named him Dusk because of his color and when he came to us I did everything I could to fatten him up. We slept together in my bed at night, because his soft purr always lulled me to sleep quickly. It was amazing how much Dusk and Noah were alike. Even in the semi-darkness next to the stage, my best friend's dark brown eyes glistened with unshed tears, which he tried to quickly blink away. His shoulders slumped forward in the thin linen jacket, and I'd bet his fingers were white under the faux-leather glove he wore on his left hand, clutching the microphone like a lifeline. He and Keaton were very close. In the last two years, they spent a lot of time together, especially during and after the Covid epidemic, when it was possible to travel. Even when they were far away, they kept in touch on a daily basis. Keaton was good with all of us, but he had a stronger bond with Noah. He wanted to remember him by playing their songs during the break after our opening band, but Eiley's song has never come at such a bad time.

“We can extend the time for five more minutes,” I told him, and meanwhile I looked back at Jolly, who was still fiddling with his headphones with the help of a sound technician, and Folio was deep in his own thoughts drumming on the wall, sometimes doing shoulder circles as a warm-up. "Everything's fine," Noah replied in a weak voice, to which I nodded hesitantly, lowered my hand, and took a step back. "I'm worthless to the world You're innocent and pure God, why didn't you choose me over her?”* They signaled to Noah, who gave a thumbs up as if everything was fine. Nonsense. I knew nothing was okay. Keaton's voice faded outside and soon the intro to our song began. I looked down at my guitar and after stretching my fingers I strummed a few chords just to pass the time. When Noah walked out and the crowd cheered, he wasn't as lost as he had been two minutes ago. He immediately filled the stage and sang like a fucking siren without faltering. I shook my head, feeling a little angry at myself for constantly underestimating him. It was about time to get used to that Noah wasn't ruined by all the crap that happened around him. On the contrary, it only strengthened him even more.

Two months later, I was sitting on the steps of the tour bus in Phoenix, beer in one hand and a half-smoked cigarette in the other, when I heard Noah's footsteps behind me. After a concert he liked to clear his head, so I thought he was going for his usual walk and I thought that I could join. I stood up to let him go, and when he stepped next to me, I was hit by the smell of his perfume. He had just stuffed his wallet into the back pocket of his pants, so I began to suspect that he had other plans for that evening. “Karin is in the city,” he said to me, but he didn't look at me, just watched the night lights. The blue neon lights of the bar glistened on the brunette's hair, and the tattoos running down his arms coiled around his skin like snakes. I thought I still had time. I thought I could figure something out before they met again in Salt Lake City. I blew out the last of the smoke, extinguished the butt, then slipped out of my denim jacket and held it out to him. “We will leave in the morning, be here by then.” Noah hesitantly took my jacket and looked at me. “That's it?” he asked in disbelief. I don't know what he expected. Maybe to remind him again that woman is crazy like hell? "I'm tired," I confessed to him. ”I can't save you from someone whose arms you keep running into. But I can do something to save you from catching a cold,” I gestured towards the jacket. He still didn't move, even though the situation was becoming more and more pressing for me, and the spring night wasn't nearly warm enough to keep me from getting goosebumps. I wrapped my arms around myself and hobbled in place. I kicked small stones with my boots on the asphalt of the parking lot and waited. I didn't care if I froze there, I wouldn't leave Noah alone as long as he needed me. The boys' laughter could be heard from inside the bus, a car honked on the street not far from us. I raised my head and immediately met a pair of dark eyes. Stared. I don't know how long or why. I swear he didn't even blink. Then he reached out and touched my arm under the sleeve of my shirt. “You are cold.” I blinked a few times, then started to move. I took the jacket from his hands and draped it over his shoulders. “But you don't have to be cold,” I answered him with an encouraging smile. “Everything will be okay. I will be okay,” he said quietly and gloomily. I don't know which of us he wanted to convince with this, but it didn't work. The smile immediately melted off my face. “Noah…” It's been a long time since my voice sounded so desperate when I said his name. I think all my fear must have been on my face because Noah took a step back and shook his head. I was ready to try again to get him to stay. We could have done so many things. From walking to sitting down to play video games with the boys. Or we could have gone to a nightclub to drink and to flirt with girls. Whatever, just don't let that cunt touch him again… He brushed his hair back and shrugged as he shoved his hands into his pockets. “I have to go, Nick. We will talk in the morning.” And that was it. There was nothing I could do to keep him there.

I got home from the tattoo salon late that night and was so tired that all I could think about was my bed. But as soon as I stepped through the door, the strong smell of weed hit me. It went through the small apartment so intensely that I almost got sick of it. "Shit," I muttered to myself as I kicked off my shoes, dropped my bag on the floor, and headed for the bedroom with the goal of scolding Noah. The door was not locked on the little hole we called the bedroom, which was completely filled with my bed and the mattress that Noah had been sleeping on for months. When I entered, he was sitting on the bed, knees pulled up to his chin, and he was holding a weed cigarette between his long, thin fingers. As if he had completely forgotten about it, the ash fell onto my blanket and I was amazed that it hadn't caught fire yet. Noah didn't even notice I got home because he was listening to music on his earphones, and I was sure he was just physically in the room by the way he looked. I leaned towards him, took the cigarette from his fingers and crushed it in the ashtray. With that, I finally drew attention to myself, because after he looked up at me tensely, with red eyes. The Asian features of his face came to life, which normally I would have stared in fascination, but this was not a normal case. I forgot I wanted to yell at him for wasting the weed and almost setting our apartment on fire. Because by then we both owned that little flat. In the corner, next to my guitar, there was also his. Noah's things appeared in the bathroom, his shampoo, his toothbrush, he got half of my wardrobe and sometimes half of my bed… His clothes were just as messily scattered as mine, and he already had his favorite mug, from which he preferred to sip his coffee in the morning. I wanted to think that his eyes were red from smoking weed, but when he spoke, I had no doubt that he must have been crying for hours.

"I thought you'd come home earlier today," he said in a nasal tone after stopping the music and taking out his earphones. In the meantime, I opened the window without holding him responsible for why he did not do so. “I thought so too,” I answered him, then I fell down on the bed next to him. ”Another guest came at seven, and thought I would do miracles in two hours with an old, messed-up tattoo.” Noah nodded, then slowly stretched out his infinite legs. He was only sixteen then, but already a little taller than me. We sat speechless for a while and looked at each other. I was even more overcome by fatigue, and for a moment my eyes were probably closed too long while blinking, because I was jolted when Noah moved next to me. He took a deep breath, then let it out shakily. Our tattooed arms touched and I could feel the tremors running through his bones as he reached for his phone. Oh my god, he was so skinny. If I touched his arms, I was afraid I would crush him as if his limbs were made of thin glass fibers. “I got a message,” he whispered into the dimness, then put the phone on my thigh. I picked it up with a scared heart and started reading. I had a guess of what it might be, and honestly… I just didn't understand why it didn't come sooner. At first, Noah's mother tried to lure her son back to her side with sweet, but poisoned words, which in the end turned into mere threats. Every fucking word she wrote made me feel nauseous. “After half a year, she remembered that she had an underage son. Maybe she expects some kind of reward for it?” I asked, but mostly I meant it as a poetic question.

Noah tensed up next to me and started breathing faster. “I… I can't go back there. If… if you say I have to go back to her, I… rather… I…” "Hey Noah, I would never say that," I turned to him and tried to speak in the most soothing voice possible. But I was too late… By that time, tears were already falling, and he was clutching the crumpled bottom of his two-size-larger shirt. I was totally in shock because I had never seen anything like this before. What kind of friend is who doesn't recognize that the problem is so big? Noah was an old soul with a lot of shit and loss behind him, who blended in perfectly with the adults, so I tended to forget that he was still just a kid. But now there was a child next to me who was terrified. Whom fear brought out the worst. "I shouldn't be here," he said between sobs, to which I shook my head so fast that my hair hit my cheek. I knelt on the bed, turned to face him and tried to remove his fingers from his clothes. I just wanted to hold his hand… I just wanted him to know I was with him. “Noah…No! Don't tell me this!” I protested loudly, but he didn't listen to me. It's like he didn't even hear what I said. Instead, he drove himself deeper and deeper into madness. “I should have died a long time ago…years ago.” If he had only stabbed a dagger into my stomach with his words, this was the moment he twisted it. My chest felt tight and I couldn't breathe. Noah snapped his head back hard and his skull hit the wall loudly. After that, I couldn't focus on my own panic anymore, without thinking I put my hand on his head to protect him from himself. I didn't care that I might not be able to tattoo. My fingers ached as they met the hard wall, but I didn't really notice the pain. All I cared about was Noah and how I could keep him safe. I've been trying to figure out how to fix this. His cries and animalistic whining still ring in my ears, mixed with the sound of my heart's frantic beating. I wrapped my arms around his head and pulled him close as he just cried and cried, his tears completely soaking my shirt. He was hugging my thighs as I knelt next to him, finally not wanting to hurt himself anymore.

That night, I only left his side when I brought him water from the kitchen. Then we both got into bed and Noah turned to face me, but half of his red face from crying was hidden in the pillow and the other half was covered by his hair. I quickly got rid of my tight jeans, threw them on the side of the bed and took his phone in my hand. He was watching what I was doing, but he didn't speak. First, without any guilt, I deleted his mother's message, then opened his music. It didn't surprise me that he was listening to Castle Of Glass by Linkin Park when I got home. I flipped through the playlist and started our favorite song As Cities Burn after giving him one of the earbuds. "Won't you come down, heaven. Won't you come down? Won't you cut through the clouds? Won't you come down?”** At the first chorus, he already closed his eyes, and only then did I allow myself to relax a little. I carefully reached towards him, smoothed the strands falling from his face behind his ears, and then I closed my eyes too. I begged myself to fall into a dreamless sleep. In the morning, when we woke up, Noah helped me untangle the earbuds’ cord from my hair. We parted laughing, shoving a piece of toast into our mouths. He went to a band rehearsal, and I went to a place that has become my second home, the tattoo salon. My fingers got away with it quite well, with a small bruise on one of the joints, which only started to hurt a little towards the end of the day. We didn't discuss anything else about that night. Maybe I regret it since then, but what can I say? I was just a scared kid too, too stupid to help his friend more. Noah's mother died less than two months later. I didn't feel for a minute that she was a loss to the world.

He has become a grown man since and he doesn't need me to protect him from the world. I watched motionless as he walked down the street to get into a taxi. His tall, thin figure disappeared around the corner and I could finally get my legs moving. I got on the bus, grabbed a new bottle of beer from the fridge and joined the others. Folio showed Matt some funny videos and Jolly typed a message on his phone. I sat next to him on the couch and started reading the news. "He won't be able to do this for long," said Jolly next to me in a strong Swedish accent. When it was late and he was tired, he didn't pay so much attention to speaking English with perfect pronunciation. But there's nothing wrong with that, we've been working together for so long, and we've been friends for so long that we understand each other with half a word. “What do you mean?” I turned to him. I slipped out of my boots, slid off the couch, and put my feet up on the small table. I rested my head on the backrest and wiped the steam from the side of the glass with my thumb. “For Noah's secret night meetings. Matt had told him before when saw that he wanted to go out on the town all by himself.” “It doesn't happen that often. And it's not a secret where he's going, he told me he was meeting Karin,” I took him to my defense immediately. “Anyway, why can't he go? The fans had left for an hour, no one was out there. And it's not that he hit the town on foot. He called a taxi.” “That girl is strange,” Jolly grimaced. You do not say.. “When she came to our place, Noah wasn't quite himself.” Recently, I felt guilty for not trying to stop him more firmly, but I reminded myself: Noah pointed out rather angrily during an argument about this that I can't protect him from everything. "If a little fuck puts him in a better mood, we're all fine with that," Folio interjected when Matt left us alone. Maybe I gave him a nasty look from behind my beer bottle, because he held his hands up defensively. I took another sip, then realized I didn't even want the beer. I put the bottle on the table, brushed my teeth in our small bathroom, and went to sleep. At least I wanted to sleep, but I must have been tossing and turning for another hour.

It felt like I had barely closed my eyes when something started to tingle my nose. I brushed it off at first, but then Noah's soft chuckle crept into my consciousness. I groaned then pulled the pillow over my head planning to go back to sleep. I kicked the blanket off because I was hot, and it turned out, it was a big mistake. Ice cold fingers touched my side, the muscles in my stomach jumped and I let out a muffled moan. “Fuck me!” I grumbled hoarsely as I caught Noah's hand, who was just putting the other one in front of my mouth. "Shh, the others are still sleeping," he whispered excitedly with sparkling eyes. “I want to sleep too,” I answered after pulling his hand away from my mouth. “Come on, Nick. I'm hungry. I want breakfast.” “Why can’t you eat?” “Missing your company.” I sighed. “Go to the kitchen. Give me five minutes and I'll be there.” "If I leave you here, you'll go back to sleep," he said accusingly, as if he had every right not to let me go back to sleep. “And I would go a little further for breakfast than the bus kitchen. But I promise, it's worth it. You will love the place.” Another sigh, but I sat up with half-closed eyes, then pulled on a pair of pants and a thick hoodie. My jacket was still on him and he didn't seem like he wanted to give it back.

After five minutes, Noah got off the bus energetically, and I, wrapped in my hoodie, got off the bus grumpily. It was just dawn, around half past six. Noah finally slowed his steps and stopped in front of me, facing me. My hair would have been a complete disaster, not to mention the pillow creases on my face, or my eyes, which I could barely keep open. "You're sweet when you are sleepy," he said finally. He looked at me with a smile, then pulled the hood over my head and did the same with his own. ”I don't want to be recognized.” “Come on! Who would be awake this early?” I asked sarcastically, yawning into my palm. We walked down the street and luckily he was right, we really didn't have to walk far before we got to the breakfast place. Too tired to read the sign, I just entered the small but friendly coffee shop and sighed as I was greeted by a pleasant warmth inside. I said hello to the gray lady behind the counter. When I saw the first cat, licking its paws on a chair, I turned to Noah questioningly, who just shrugged. "I thought you missed your little monsters," he said. A big smile spread across my face. A cat café. I was already less sleepy when I crouched next to the kitten and let him sniff my hand. Then I noticed even more hairballs and I didn't even know which one to go to. Meanwhile, Noah ordered us coffee and breakfast at the counter. I heard the old lady laughingly answer him when asked why they were open so early: “If the kittens wake up, why can't I open the cafe?”

I smiled as I scratched the head of a calico sitting next to the wall, and we blinked at each other for a long time. After ordering, Noah came over and sat next to me. "The chick likes you," he remarked when the kitten was placed on my lap. “What kind of chick? She is a lady here,” I caressed the hairy ears. Laughing softly, Noah leaned forward and, using the kitten etiquette he'd learned from me, introduced himself to our newest friend before petting her. Now that the hood was off his head, I noticed the bite marks on his neck. The dark red spot was located right on the border between his tattoo and his bare skin so that it was just noticeable. I swallowed, tore my gaze from his neck, and reassured myself that Noah didn't seem as lost now as he did after most of his meetings with Karin. Maybe she has changed. Maybe she finally realized what she had to lose? Noah's fingers accidentally touched mine in the kitten's soft fur, and we smiled at each other as the furball began to purr loudly. I haven't seen Noah this happy since before Keaton's death. Maybe Karin isn't so bad after all? We ate breakfast sitting on the floor with a cat each in our laps and had to run back to the bus before departure.

*Too Close To Touch - Eiley **As Cities Burn - Contact

[aurorafables]

Hey there :). I'm very excited and nervous bc this is my first ever fanfic in English, although I've been writing for quite a few years. English is not my first language, but I hope you will enjoy the story.

It's only a little teaser, and the first chapter will be up tomorrow.

Pairing: Noah X Nicholas

"It would be difficult to say exactly when it started. It was as if the dynamic between the two of us had completely changed without being noticed. I could compare it to when I'm doing a tattoo and I want to create a nice color gradient to make the design look as realistic as possible. The point is that you can't tell where one color ends and the other color begins. Even between us, the transition from wanting to hug him in a friendly way to kissing him passionately was imperceptible. Maybe I woke up like that one day, but it's also possible that the desire had been brewing in me for weeks, months, years, I just blocked it deep down. And what if I felt that little spark the first time we met, but I was still almost a child and couldn't identify it? I have to start this story somewhere. And like most fairy tales, it didn't start well.

The mood of the whole band was cast by melancholy over the loss of a friend. But like all dead artists, Keaton remained immortal. His voice will live forever on the records, despite the fact that he was not with us anymore. The music of Too Close To Touch mingled with the cohesive low murmur of the crowd outside in the club's concert hall, where Keaton's vocals echoed painfully through the walls. "Death is not a game with the ones I hold close She was mine, mine, you can't deny Three years is too quick to die" All his anger, all his pain were in the song he wrote about his little sister, who died lying on a hospital bed. In the text, he blamed God for choosing little Eiley over him. The poor boy had no idea at the time that they were both chosen… Personally, I would have liked to break something if I remembered that he was gone now, and I could only reassure myself that maybe they were already up there together. If it even exists up there. Because what if up there is actually only two meters underground?"

[aurorafables]

Proofreader wanted

Hey! I started to translate my BO fanfic, and I'm looking for a native English speaker to help with it :) It's a Noah x Nicholas story, so if you are interested and would help me please send me a message. Here is a little teaser for the story:

"In Noah's life, his best friend was the light, the way out of the abuse he suffered at home. After a childhood full of trauma, in which he was stripped of his wings so many times, he moves in with Nick, whose goal is to let him fly. The band, Bad Omens, led by Noah, begins to soar, which brings at least as many problems as joy. As teenagers grow into men, Noah and Nick drift closer and closer to each other, and the boundaries of friendship and love completely merge."