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Conversation Pieces

I never liked crowds. Or rather, I’ve never enjoyed being in a room surrounded by people who were talking to other people. Because in that moment, my social anxiety seeps in through the cracks, and the thoughts come rushing in:

You don’t belong here.

Everyone is already having so much fun without you.

My head likes to play tricks on me sometimes. Scratch that. All the time. Even posting this little blurb of text that no one will ever see has gotten me on edge. I envy the charasmatic people of this world that are content with being complete dorks in a crowded room. I am a perfectionist, and if what I said isn’t complete gold, I guarantee that it will be on the extensive list of things I overanalyze before falling asleep at night. 

This evening I went to a social gathering. It was actually something a friend of mine dragged me to, mostly out of concern. I’ve been in kind of a slump since the majority of my best friends in college graduated last summer, and it was starting to impede on my mental health. I wanted the people there to like me so badly, which made me focus more on the impression I was making and less on what they were telling me about themselves. It’s so hard to be present in a conversation when all youre thinking about is what questions to ask them to keep them engaged, what key words you can use to put in your two cents, what expression you have on your face, whether or not you smell okay, when you get to leave and snuggle up in bed and be alone again. Some people call it selfish. Some say it’s fake. I just think it’s fucked up. 

I wish I just had a social life coach that could whisper in my ear and tell me how to act. It’s hypocritical of me to avoid human interaction when I crave it so much. I want to get over these social fears of mine and tear down the damn walls so I can stop leaning against them. I want to learn to stop being the observer and buck up the courage to take what’s mine. If I can’t be sure about my future, then I have to at the very least be active in the present.

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Okay, Here Goes.

I didn’t really think I would be spending my evening setting up this blog, but here I am anyway, word vomiting onto my computer screen like some angsty fifteen year-old. Here I am, five semesters into the “best years of my life” and getting nothing but sadder as those dreaded days until graduation begin to count down in my head. 160 days left of structured academics and then it’s off to the “real world” where you begin to melt even further into the masses and begin to matter even less than you did before. College sets you up for a veiled world, where you are tricked into believing that you can accomplish anything with the right mindset. Well, my dear professors, you have lived in the comfort of tenure and acadamia for way too long, and it’s hard to believe that you have the best advice on how to tackle my life after I leave it.

For the longest time, I had the burning desire to get a PhD. I was actually planning on going right into graduate school after finishing in 160 days, but here I am, backing out of it and reformulating my 5-year plan. I am scared shitless, frozen in my fear of leaving this structured world I learned to get used to. I am GOOD at school. Hell, I’m fucking brilliant. And I don’t say this lightly. In fact, I’m pretty hard on myself and only recently realized what my potential could be if I just searched for the motivation to go out and get what I want in life. The problem is that my motivation is massively lacking. The closer I get to receiving that diploma the harder it is for me to take action and set the stage for the next crucial steps of my life. This is the part everyone should be the most excited about. FINALLY. The real world. Independance and freedom resting in the palm of my hand. Lately though, fewer and fewer people are getting this rush of excitement when those tassles turn, and I will certainly not be one of the excited ones.

I used to think this lack of motivation was normal. I believed my anxious feelings were the backbone to getting good grades and living to my full potential. Now, I am realizing these vices are hindering me from getting anywhere close to successful, and that good grades are bullshit once you get into grad school or find a “real job”.  These epiphanies I’ve had over the past couple months have left my stomach doing backflips, and my decisions stagnant and in limbo. I am frozen, and that makes me downright depressed. 

Then that’s the other thing: the depression. I haven’t admitted it out loud to anyone yet, and I’m afraid to (thanks to my other lifelong friend, anxiety over here). I guess though that the first step to dealing with a problem is admitting you had one though. That’s why, tonight, on this anonymous tumblr blog post that I figure no one will read, I am admitting it to the world. I am depressed, I need guidance, and I will, when I’m ready, go and get it. For now though, at least for tonight, this is enough.