attaalna

[attaalna]

One Year On: A Retrospective

I’m coming up on my one-year surgery anniversary so I figured it was time to throw some thoughts at the internet and see if anything sticks. Below the cut are a bunch of images of my chest from right after surgery to just the other day, so CW for gore I guess.

Five days post-surgery (was too squeamish to take photos while the drains were in)

18 days post-surgery

6 weeks post-surgery

10 weeks post-surgery

1 year post-surgery (give or take a few days) So what this post mainly reveals is that I’ve never taken a good selfie in my life and I don’t intend to start now. But what it also reveals is that my chest? Looks fucking amazing. Not perfect - the scars don’t lie quite smoothly and frankly the grafts are just Weird and I’ll probably never be 100% happy with them - but just... every time I catch sight of myself shirtless in the mirror my whole brain lights up with a happy, ‘Oh, that’s me!’ feeling.

In the run-up to surgery, I had so many doubts and fears that I was making a mistake, that this thing I’d just known I wanted for years was actually the wrong call, that since my dysphoria’s never been that bad*, there was no reason to get major surgery and risk making things worse. I remember thinking, even as I felt the anaesthesia in my veins, ‘I could still stop this. Should I stop this?’ like that voice that tells you to jump when you’re standing somewhere high up. Anyway, spoiler, I didn’t tell them to stop, and when I woke up, well, insert the traditional ‘such a weight off my chest’ joke here. Turns out a lot of my anxiety revolves around making decisions, especially when I can’t game the system to keep all options open, so that was fun.

* Well, I say that, but it’s also amazing how many of the things I’d written off as ‘just one of my weird sensory issues, nothing gender-related to see here!’ went away after surgery. Who’d have thought! I guess the main ‘problem’ that’s come out of surgery is I’ve realised how much more I enjoy being read as male than female, which is only a problem inasmuch as it doesn’t happen consistently, but I’m still not convinced I want to take T to up the chances. On the one hand, every single transmasculine nonbinary person I know who’s been on low-dose T is extremely #goals. On the other hand, see above about my fear of irreversible decisions. What it comes down to, I think, is that I want to sound like a guy and be perceived as a guy... but not actually change my body at all**. So that’s an ongoing puzzle that may never be fully solved. ** And for anyone reading thinking, ‘Well, you’re just as valid a trans guy without any sort of medical transition’, I agree, but I keep prodding my feelings on how I identify and it keeps coming back as ‘Error 404: Gender Not Found’, so I’m sticking with ‘non-binary’ for now.

As it stands now, the thing I keep coming back to is how much I enjoy my body as it is currently. Every time I get dressed in the morning and don’t have to deal with the oh-bad-pressure of bra straps, every time I feel the cotton of my shirt against my sternum, the few occasions I’ve been swimming and felt the water streaming past my chest, whenever I see myself in my favourite shirt and it hangs just right. It’s just all really good, and I’m so glad I didn’t let my anxiety fuck this up for me.

[attaalna]

10 weeks! By now I have 99% of my movement back, though sudden overhead movements kind of tug on where the grafts are. It's not the most beautiful surgical job in the world, like you can see there's a sort of dog-ear under my left arm and some puckering around my sternum, but that may sort itself out once I get back to my usual level of exercise and my body figures out that a cis guy of my body type probably would have some chest fat. The scars are still pretty red and one of the grafts is still more button-like than I'd prefer, but I'm hoping those things will take care of themselves with enough scar massage. Tbh, even if things stay exactly as they currently are, I'm still very happy - I keep making sudden movements that previously would have resulted in the Dread Boob Jiggle and when it doesn't come, I get a little shock of happiness ☺️

Still no sensation back in the grafts, but the occasional shooting pains I'm getting suggest the nerves might be regrowing. I'd almost rather they didn't bother, as I remain Extremely Ace, but whatever, things will go as they will.

Given how much I was freaking out before my surgery - to the extent of almost not going ahead with it - I'm extremely pleased with how things have turned out. The drains and the binder were not at all enjoyable, but six weeks of that seems a fair price to pay for the rest of my life like this!

[attaalna]

6 weeks! Everything has healed over nicely, though the grafts are still a bit scabby and there was a few days last week where the end of the scar under my left arm was kinda inflamed, but I think that was just the stitches dissolving and it seems to have sorted itself out now. I'm still doing daily Vaseline, but I don't need to use any dressings anymore.

I was at a conference last week and it was amazing to just be able to get up and go, and to look so good in my usual conference outfit. I went to a hot tub, I went on a hike, I went dancing a couple of times, and it just all felt really good (except for when I tried to do the YMCA a bit too enthusiastically and pulled the incisions). I still get tired more easily than I used to, but I think as I get back into a normal exercise routine, that should take care of itself.

[attaalna]

4 weeks post-surgery. Everything's looking pretty good! There was a weird flap on one of the grafts that hadn't attached properly, but I'm pretty sure that was excess dead tissue that was never meant to be there, and it fell off the last time I changed the dressings, so we're all good. There's still some scabbing in the centre of the grafts, but I assume that'll take care of itself eventually. My energy levels are pretty much back to normal, although it's hard to tell cos it's so HOT here. That's also the reason for the raw-looking bits around the grafts - in the heat, the dressings get very sticky and hard to remove, plus my skin is just not enjoying the general dryness. Looking forward to my trip to Iceland next week, where I'm almost guaranteed multiple days of rain! Still don't have a full range of motion back, but I can wear t-shirts and I'm beginning to be able to sleep on my side. The surgical binder comes off in 5 days and I cannot fucking WAIT.

[attaalna]

Hope this is visible to the OP!

I had surgery about 4 weeks ago with Mr Ross at Brighton and have been sharing update photos here as I reach various milestones. Happy to answer qus/talk about my experiences with anyone who's interested.

Hiya ! I’m in the process of making a big google doc with info on top surgeons in the UK complete with peoples experiences with the surgeons / teams, and post-op results. If anyone would be okay with talking to me about their experience or sending me some photos to use that would be really helpful !!

Any followers?

This post might also possibly be helpful for you (relatedly, if you’re willing to share this publicly when you’ve finished it would possibly be something that our followers would find helpful.)

~ Alex

[attaalna]

Day 18. Went to see Mr Ross yesterday and at first he thought I was a month post-surgery rather than a couple of weeks, which I guess means I'm healing well! I'm now in charge of doing my own dressings (only if the wound-site is leaking, which the incisions aren't but the grafts are) and massaging Vaseline into the scars. I'm allowed to take proper showers and wear deodorant again, which is SO GOOD in this heat omg. I washed out most of the surgical glue this morning and everything looks a lot neater now, though you can still see the purple sharpie around the grafts... No pain now except a sort of tenderness around the incisions and occasional twinges of sensation around the whole surgery site. I think I have sensation pretty much everywhere except directly on the incisions and grafts themselves, which is pretty good. I can raise my arms to about 45 degrees from vertical. Haven't tried wearing t-shirts yet - I'm sure I could get them on, but getting them off still seems like it would be a struggle. Still sleeping on my back - I keep trying to gently manoeuvre onto my side, but there's nowhere good to put my arms without them pressing on a sore patch, so I think the stars are not yet in alignment for that. Gotta wear the binder for another 2.5 weeks, but I've been cleared to go on a gentle hike and to hang out in hot-tubs when I go to Iceland in August, so that's pretty great :D

[attaalna]

Day 9. Got my staples out on Monday (which I didn't realise would look quite so exactly like stationary staples, so that was a bit alarming) and my dressings changed and cleaned up a bit. These ones won't come off til after my follow-up appointment next week, at which point I hope the grafts will look less like weird gross bits of felt glued to my chest... The bruising's gone down, but there is some swelling, which of course is setting anxiety-brain into overdrive that I shouldn't have had the drains out so soon, or that I should be wearing the binder tighter. I did try tightening it, but given my ribs still feel bruised from that two days later, I won't be repeating the experiment. I am sort of loving the stylish diamond-shaped dressings. I get occasional twinges from where the staples were, but the heat rash I've developed from this binder is definitely the worst part. I'm wearing a vest under it now (I can get things on over my head! If they have large arm/neck holes! Aw yeah!) and that's a huge help, plus I'm optimistic the benedryl I'm taking to help with the itchiness will make it easier to sleep at night. I know plenty of people do sleep on their backs by preference, but it's killing my back and knees. I guess I should also report that now the initial 'ah fuck, everything's different, is that a good different or not?' reaction has worn off, I'm feeling Pretty Damn Pleased with my chest.

[attaalna]

5 days post-surgery. Got the drains out and I’m finally able to look in the mirror without wincing - I’m not particularly squeamish, but having tubes coming out your body is a little bit unsettling.

The right-hand nipple graft bled a fair amount the first night I was back from the hospital, but doesn’t seem to have done anything since I put the second dressing on.

I haven’t really been in pain since the drains came out, although the pressure of the binder on the areas where the drains were can get quite uncomfortable, especially cos it’s so hot and sticky here atm. I have a pretty decent range of movement - still can’t get my elbows much above shoulder height, but I’m past the full-on raptor stage.

Haha, wow I can't take selfies, but since I do want to remain mostly-anonymous, I'm kinda glad my phone case covers my face.

[attaalna]

Day 2

So, I did it! Despite a metric fuck-ton of last-minute doubts rising up to plague me in the last week before the surgery (which, come on brain, didn't you get this out of your system like 3 years ago?), I went ahead. While I'm really remarkably bad at being in touch with my emotions in any meaningful way, I don't *think* I'm feeling any regret, except when I have to try to sleep at night in a binder with tubes coming out of me. I get the drains removed on Friday and hopefully after that, everything will be a lot better. It's sort of hard to imagine what things will look like once all the dressings have come off and it's healed - so far, I've barely even taken the binder off - but I'm also surprised how much time I spend just...not thinking about it? I was always very neutral about my chest, and while I was sort of hoping I'd have this big joyous moment of 'YES, this is IT!' I'm not wholly surprised I haven't. I do find myself feeling quietly pleased whenever I do think about it though, so that's good.

I was hoping to do some pictures cos I know there aren't any out there of my surgeon's work (Mr Ross at Brighton), but at the moment it's all pretty gruesome. I mean, all the incisions look neat and good, but there's a fair amount of blood, not to mention the drains. Hopefully next week, once the staples and drains are out, it'll look less horrifying. I knew I was going to have drains, but in my head, they were these little pouches, not the great clonking water bottles they've turned out to be. I feel like a horror movie extra dragging them around with me.

In terms of pain, it's really not bad. The drains are sore, but mostly in a bruised kind of way. The worst part is the headaches, which I think are partly from the anaesthesia, partly from sleeping propped upright (we hates it, precious), partly because it's so hot and I'm dehydrated. My pro tip would be, if you can have this operation in not-a-heatwave, you should do that.