atravelers-tale

[atravelers-tale]

Ireland Part 2: The Ring of Kerry

I missed the sunrise, and we still had no set plan for the day. We went down for breakfast and then decided to head out and find the Ross Castle. It wasn’t far and we made it there by 9:30am or so, but it was extremely crowded! There were children running around and screaming and chasing ducks. We did a quick tour of the site and its surroundings, got some photos, and left about an hour later. Then, without much thought, we ended up on the Ring of Kerry, which is a staple of Ireland that I had heard of before, but never really looked into.

It is a scenic drive, about 111 miles around the Iveragh peninsula in Southwest Ireland. Along the way, you pass through seven little villages, one of them including Killarney where we stayed. I didn’t know what to expect at first, everyone hears of the Ring of Kerry but I never really saw myself wanting to do it because I imagined it entailed a lot of driving. And as much as I love traveling, I typically hate long car rides. I'd rather be out exploring instead of just watching everything pass me by. So at first I was skeptical and widely misjudged the ring of Kerry.

Our first leg of the trip was to a village called Kenmare. It was a quaint little village bustling with families out on holiday, shopping and eating outside of little cafes. There were vendors set up outside of the shops selling handmade crafts and knick-knacks. We ate lunch at a pub called Murphy’s Bar. David ate fish and chips and I had a yummy chicken salad sandwich. We were eager to see what else we could find on the drive so we didn’t stay long in crowded little Kenmare.

The next stop was the village of Sneem. I adored Sneem, it was more of our pace. A little smaller and cozier than Kenmare; it had a tight-knit feel. We did a little souvenir shopping here, stopped for a coffee, and met Puck the mountain goat and the gentleman that rescued him. Those two really left an imprint on my memory of this trip. It was not something you see everyday - a man and his mountain goat hanging out in the village square. Puck was kind of majestic, and he and his owner had this incredible bond. The two were practically snuggling when we walked over to meet them. He told us he rescued Puck when he was four months old, and that he is now six years old which is made apparent by the lines in his horns. As odd and unusual it was to find the two sitting there in the middle of the village, it looks like they belong there after looking back at some of the photos I took of them.  

In between each village was an amazing scenic drive that I loved and hated. There were so many spots that I wanted to stop and check out, but our day trip of the Ring of Kerry would have ended up taking the whole week. It was frustrating at times, I felt like I was letting fun and good photo opportunities pass me by as we spent hours driving and only stayed in these little villages for an hour at most. As much as I enjoyed the villages, I was itching to get out and explore the cliffs and mountains.

The next drive seemed longer than the rest, probably because we hadn’t seen a bathroom this whole stretch. Caherdaniel was the upcoming village our GPS was to take us to next. And when we arrived, we found ourself on one tiny little road, barely big enough to drive down and yet people were parallel parked all along it on either side and folks were standing in the road, in no hurry to move. The only gas station we saw was in someone’s front yard. Needless to say, we turned around quickly and continued on to the next village.

The route to Waterville was incredibly scenic, we were driving up around the mountain overlooking the ocean. I was frustrated because I desperately had to use the restroom but I wanted to stop and see the views! We raced to Waterville and then finding a bathroom was another challenge. There were very few shops along the entrance into Waterville and most of them had closed because it was after 5 pm. I did a little dance all the way down the road until we finally found a fancy little bar and restaurant connected to a bed and breakfast that we snuck into to use the bathroom. We considered stopping here to eat, but we were tired, exhausted, and frankly underdressed. We felt there wasn’t much else to see here so we backtracked a little to stop and take in a view of the ocean from the mountain and then trekked on.

Not too far on we found a bed and breakfast restaurant called The Smuggler’s Inn. We were going to try to eat there because the name was cool, but somehow we were again met with the feeling of being underdressed and out of our league. It was very fancy with a butler-esque host, and we were just looking for a place to wind down and relax. We turned around and kept going, getting frustrated and hoping to find somewhere else to dine quick.

Next up was Cahersiveen. At this point, we were wiped out and merely looking for a place to eat and head back to Killarney. It was getting late so there wasn’t much to do or see anyway. We were thrilled when we finally found this restaurant that was unlike anything I’ve ever seen. From the outside, you see a beautiful church; which confused us at first, but the sign on the lawn said “Oratory Pizza & Wine Bar” so we went for it. Once inside, we were in awe of the very modern yet historic vibe of the place. It was pretty small, but it was packed. We got a tiny little table for two and decided to each try a different pizza. David is very old school with his taste in pizza, just a plain pepperoni, and cheese. I’m a little more adventurous and tried “the Goat”, which had traditional tomato sauce, mozzarella, red onions, Ardsallagh Goat’s cheese, sun blushed tomatoes, and then drizzled with basil pesto and topped with fresh rocket leaf (an English leaf often used in salad). My mouth is watering just thinking about it. They came out on wooden pizza boards and we had to cut the slices ourselves, but this was okay by me because the food was incredible. It was definitely a pizza experience for the books.

After we ate, we took to the road feeling better after a good meal. We stopped on the road quite a few times to take in some views. The sun had almost set and clouds were hanging over the mountain tops. We were in the middle of nowhere it seemed, and it was perfectly quiet and peaceful, with the exception of some cows mooing in the distance. There were mountains in every direction you looked. It was heaven to me.

By the time we got to the next town, it was dark, probably about eight o’clock or so. We were too exhausted to even get out at this point and just drove through. Part of me wished we had done the Ring of Kerry in reverse because driving through the next two villages didn’t seem fair. Glenbeigh was lit up by hanging lights that were strewn across the streets and people were walking and eating outside the pubs and restaurants. It seemed much more inviting than some of the other villages we saw earlier on. It was too dark to see much through Killorglin, and from there was a half an hour stretch back to the hotel in Killarney.

Needless to say, we were very ready to shower and crash when we got back to the hotel. Once I laid down, my mind was racing with thoughts of the events from the day. As I mentioned earlier, I was overly skeptical and misjudged the Ring of Kerry. While in some ways I found myself frustrated because of the amount of time spent in the car, I was really glad we did it and had a much more cultivated and appreciative perspective. I saw so many vastly beautiful sights of all different varieties from inside of the car and out. I can understand now why it is such a popular Irish experience and would definitely recommend it for a compact way to do a ton of sightseeing!

[atravelers-tale]

Ireland Part 1

I finally fell asleep around 7 pm but woke up around 1 am and couldn’t get back to sleep. I’ve noticed that whenever I travel, I often can’t sleep the first or second night because I wake up with anxiety about being so far from home. Ironic right? I wake up in this spectacular hotel in Ireland and feel spoiled and then guilty and like I don’t deserve it. I guess because I am a person who is normally frivolous and I rely heavily on routine, stuff like this throws me off balance and it freaks me out. I don’t worry about it as much anymore because I know it will pass; it’s just the jitters I guess.

I tried for hours to get back to sleep and finally fell asleep on the couch in our room around 4 am. I slept like a rock there until about 9:20 am when I heard our hotel door slam shut. David had just come back from a drive around town, he had been up since 6 am. I felt like hell and wanted a million more hours of sleep, but I managed to get up and get ready and we went down for a beautiful little breakfast at the hotel restaurant.

Then we decided to take another drive and get a feel for the area we are in. We are kind of winging it this week while we are here, which is very unusual because I am always very organized and plan things to a T. I don’t know why I didn’t do that this time…

We drove through a very crowded little area in town with tons of shops and pubs. It’s heritage week here in Ireland so everyone is out on holiday. We found our way over by the mountains a bit and decided to take a detour and try to get some good photos. We found a nice little spot in this valley with a nice open field and a good view of the mountains. It was wet and gray and rainy, which we actually didn’t experience last time we were here. We lucked out and had sunny skies all week then, except for one day but we had already planned on staying in and relaxing that day anyway.

Still, I enjoyed the drizzles and the fog that danced around the mountains, and the high 50s weather. We trekked through wet mud and tall grass and I was just so thankful to be able to do that and not worry about what creepy crawly is going to come out and attack me first like I do back home in Florida. Did you know there are no snakes in Ireland? This makes for a very happy Sam.

After we got some good shots and did a little more exploring, we drove back towards town to look for some lunch. I set my sights on a pub we drove passed earlier called The Shire and knew that's where we had to go. (I love Lord of the Rings and consider myself a hobbit if you couldn’t already tell by the blog name.) The little tiny Irish roads were super crowded and it probably took an hour to go through two full parking lots and one parking garage before we finally found a place to park. But lunch was worth it! David got the “Fires of Mordor” burger which had jalapenos on it, and a pint of “Gandalf’s Ale” while I got the “Bunless Shire Burger” and a “Smeagol on the Beach” cocktail. I could not get over the names on the menu and all of the themes and decorations, and the food was amazing. Oh, by the way, this is the only Lord of the Rings-themed pub in Ireland!

After lunch, we went back to the hotel because my camera battery and his phone were dying so we wanted to let them charge for a while. We ended up falling asleep waiting while watching Judge Judy. I guess we’re still getting used to the time change!

I probably woke up from that nap about an hour and a half later, about 6 pm. My husband was still passed out (he actually slept through the rest of the night). I did some writing, some work on Instagram, face timed my sister who is watching my house so I could talk to my fur kids, ate some chips for dinner (or 'crisps' as the Irish call them), and by 9:30, I was nowhere near ready for bed. So I decided to take advantage of my misplaced energy and step out of my comfort zone. I grabbed my camera, tripod, and jacket, and went out to practice some of my night photography. I got lost on my way to the Lookout over the mountains because it was so dark. I stumbled my way to what I guessed was a good spot. It was so cold, so windy, and so dark, I had no idea what I was doing. I wasn't prepared. A flashlight would have been handy. Anyway, it ended up being so windy that even with a tripod, my images were coming out pretty blurry. But I was happy at least happy to have given it a try and proud of myself for venturing out into the cold darkness by myself. After that, I walked around the hotel for a bit and headed back to our room. I laid in bed unable to sleep for a while longer and passed out sometime around 1 am? Needless to say, my hopes of waking up to the sunset did not happen.

[atravelers-tale]

My Love/Hate Relationship with International Travel

International travel. What can I say? I guess I'm not exactly an authority on it yet because this is only my second time, but I want to talk for a second about the hard part about traveling. The traveling part. It is brutal! At least for me. It's kind of like an endless loop through hell. Going through security is grueling for me because I get anxious and constantly check through my bags, even though I know I have nothing to be worried about. Then you sit at your gate for hours, walk around in circles because you don't want to be sitting any more than you already know you have to. I have to fight with myself not to stop at every Starbucks in sight. Finally, you hop on a plane for a few hours that doesn't have enough leg room or butt room and everything from the waist down is in pain or asleep. You attempt to sleep yourself but every time you nod off, your head bounces and wakes you back up. You finally land at your destination, only to go through most of those steps all over again. All the terminals start to look the same and are so loud and crowded and everything is over priced. It's exhausting.

Let's start from the beginning. We woke up at 6:30 am, left for Tampa around 9:00 am and got there at 10, flew to New York around 3, and landed there around 6:00 pm for our connecting flight. We are here waiting five more hours at the JFK airport in New York to fly to Ireland.

I have a hard time in places like this. The Tampa air port was a breeze in comparison. It was pretty quiet, there weren't as many people, our security check point went rather smooth. JFK is a nightmare for people like me who don't do crowds. Three different kinds of alarms have gone off and I'm not sure what for? I've almost been run down by groups of kids on more than one occasion. And we still have so many hours to wait. I guess that's one thing I take for granted in Florida (I'm generally not a fan) - the airports are pretty nice. I don't usually feel as overwhelmed by crowds and beeping and alarms. (Oh, one good thing has come out of being here- I finally got to try Jamba Juice! I had the apple n' greens smoothie, which really hit the spot. I always crave a green smoothie when I don't feel good.) My butt hurts from sitting so long already and my feet hurt from walking so much and it almost feels like punishment- but if I keep my sights on my destination, I'll be able to get through it.

As I mentioned before, this is my second time traveling internationally, and I'm going to the same place I went the first time. Last year my husband and I flew to Ireland for our honeymoon in October. We fell in love with it! So much so that we are on our way back ten months later (it would have been sooner if possible!). We just couldn't get enough while we were there and knew we wanted to come back ASAP and see more. It is definitely worth all of the walking and sitting through hell for 19 hours.

We finally boarded our flight to Ireland around 10:35 pm, but we didn't get in the air until almost midnight due to some complications with one of the engine's sensors that ended up needing to be replaced right away. So we sat there with no air conditioning on the crowded plane for an extra hour and a half. It was a long, grueling flight and I’m not sure either one of us dozed off for more than a few minutes at a time, but we made it. We arrived at a very busy Shannon airport around 11:30 am (6:30 am back in Florida) and didn't get out of there until after 1 pm after waiting on our luggage and rental car. At this point, we have not actually slept in 27 hours?

Some how, as delirious, starving and exhausted as we were, we made the two-hour drive to our hotel in Killarney right in front of the Killarney National Park. We are staying at the Aghadoe Heights Hotel and Spa, which is so beautiful and fancy and I am amazed by how affordable this hotel is, considering it is a 5 star with a great location. So much bang for your buck! A very nice concierge helped us bring our bags to our room, the ladies at the front desk were friendly and ready to help, our room is luxurious with a spectacular view of the mountains and the lake. We had a nice little dinner down at the bar before heading back up for showers and some shut eye. I can't wait to get out and explore, but as of right now I don't even understand how I am functioning enough to write this. We really need some rest!

Here are some photos from our last trip! We had the most magical time. We visited the Doolin Cave which is home to an amazing stalactite that hangs at 23 feet in length, the Ailwee Caves, the stunning Cliffs of Moher, we traveled up to Belfast and did an awesome Game of Thrones tour (Yes we are Thrones nerds!), and spent a day at the Bunratty Folk Park and had dinner and a show in the castle.

[atravelers-tale]

The Ugly Face of Anxiety

Today is Sunday and I'm at the beach with two of my best friends. They are beautiful and the beach is beautiful and everything is good. And yet I feel off balance and distracted. I'm not sure if it's because of this stupid ear infection I've been fighting, but I am exhausted. I keep asking myself "What more do you want?"

I have it good. Beautiful friends, a lovely, caring and giving husband, a cozy home, and a warm family. I have every opportunity to make my life what I want, which I am working on, so why do I feel so down lately? Why do I have to keep reminding myself to be happy? The mind is a funny thing, isn’t it? How is it that one day you can be completely motivated and driven to make things happen - whether it is to do the deep clean your house desperately needs, or it is taking steps towards making your dreams come true - and then another day you wake up and you barely have the motivation to get out of bed? It’s crazy that a stomach ache and a lack of sleep, as well as an earache, can make all of those things you wanted seem so far away, therefore having so much less enthusiasm and desire to see them through. It feels like “Why bother?”

How do you completely devote yourself to a single passion, when there are so many other things going on around you? How do you find the time to eat right and exercise, keep up a clean house, take care of you and your family, have a social life, get a good nights sleep - and chase your dreams? It doesn’t help that I chose a really hard dream to chase…

Things are so hectic right now. I miss that time a few weeks ago where I felt invincible and unstoppable. I felt like I could conquer anything that came my way. Living with an anxious brain is so hard because it seems like the harder I try to overcome it and breakthrough my doubts, the harder it knocks me out and exhausts me afterward. I wish I could turn it off. I wish for just one day, I could live without anxiety and doubt.

My trip to the west was about being unafraid and conquering my anxieties. And I did it! I was fearless and powerful. As much as I wanted to come home a brand new woman who was tough and ready to take on the world, it wasn't as permanent as I was hoping for.

I realized I wanted to live unafraid when I was at the beach two months ago while sitting alone in the sand and watching the sunrise. Here I am two months later, sitting up in the sand, contemplating life while watching my dear friends soaking up the sun and waves, realizing that my next journey should be finding an inner happiness that will hopefully be more permanent. I hate that I have all I could want and still sometimes feel empty. I have to remember and heed my own advice- that everything is mental. We control our universe. We control our happiness. Unfortunately, some days will be much, much harder to control. But it is possible. Nothing worth having comes easy.

This post is as all over the place and unorganized as my brain is at the moment. It’s okay. Things can’t be perfect and good all of the time.

[atravelers-tale]

Inspiration

*Nerd alert*

I have been following the photographer Chris Burkard for a while now, I came across one of his landscape photos on Instagram and have been following his work closely ever since. I'm always checking his Instagram story to see what new adventure he is on next and living vicariously through him. I remember four weeks ago, sitting at my kitchen table crying to my husband about how lost I felt. About how I have wasted so much time being afraid and just existing. I took out my phone and showed him Chris Burkard's current Instagram story at the time. He was on a sailboat in Iceland shooting with a group, and I told my husband "That's what I want." That's all I've ever wanted. Traveling and photographing has always been in the back of my mind, but I've always been too afraid to try, and just figured I'd never be good enough anyway, let alone be able to pull it off. But it always comes back to photography for me, doesn't it? Then my husband said, "So do it." We had some money saved up; I just went through a significant life change that gave me the time to pull it off...

so that was it. No more being too afraid or making excuses. And I did it! I planned it over the course of a week, I drove fifteen+  hours a day across the country, I camped in the Grand Canyon in Arizona, and then I hiked Mount Zion in Utah, and then drove home. Though I had a friend travel with me, I did a lot of hiking alone. (Elevation sickness is an evil thing! I feel so terrible that she was affected by it.) And it was such an enlightening and empowering experience. I overcame so many fears and doubts, all on my own. I met so many people that I enjoyed talking to and a few who changed my life. I don't know their names, they don't know mine or how much they affected me, but they did.

It just reaffirmed how badly that I want to travel, experience the world, and photograph it. I know it's going to be hard, but it's going to be worth it. I probably won't make any money. I'll probably struggle monetarily for a long time. But I can't keep pursuing things I'm not passionate about. I'm tired of this cycle. It's time to just go for it all head on, win or lose.

Shortly after I got home from my trip, I found out Chris Burkard would be coming to Florida during his U.S. tour for his documentary "Under an Arctic Sky". I knew I had to go after everything that has happened in the past three weeks. It was just another one of the many uncanny, serendipitous coincidences that have happened, lately, that I had to see through. So many things during this time have felt like they were just meant to happen.

The drive to Jacksonville was hard; I still had some mild PTSD from my road trip (specifically from the highway systems in Texas and the hail storm in New Mexico). Once we got into town, I had to pull over and let my husband David drive because I can't handle messy high way systems and sketchy big cities. It probably also didn't help that I hadn't eaten all day because I was saving my appetite for Davids favorite part of the trip - eating at Whataburger. Once we ate, I felt better, and then we headed to the library where they were showing the documentary. Once inside and we gave our tickets, we saw Chris there with his crew at a merch table. Seeing him there in person kind of made it that much more real; that these things I aspire to do are possible because he does them every day. (He nonchalantly said he's been to Iceland 28 times during his Q&A!!) I went to the table and picked up one of his books, and told him how he'd been a huge inspiration to me. He was super chill and sweet and offered to sign my book, and then I asked for a picture like a nerd.

His film was very informative and inspiring. The room was packed full of people with varying interests from surfing to photography. His documentary was about a trip he had been planning for years in order to find the perfect swell to surf in Iceland, and the trials and tribulations they faced getting there. When he finally found a connect (a captain) that would take him to this remote spot off the coast of Iceland, the captain gave him a week to get to Iceland and make it all happen. A week! And he did it.

However, they never actually made it to the island they were hoping for due to weather complications, considering they encountered Iceland's worst snow storm in 25 years. But they found so much more than what they were looking for and overcame so many obstacles, and actually made history in the surfing and film industry along the way.

I'm not a religious person, but I've been to church a handful of times from sleeping over at friend's houses as a kid. You know that eerie feeling when the whole sermon feels like it is directed towards you and your life? That's how I felt watching his film and listening to his Q&A. It was so incredibly reassuring. I realized that he was just another human being who took big risks and chased his dreams and continues to every day. It made me realize I have to stop getting in my own way and stop believing that I can't handle the stresses and pressures of it all and that I would never be good enough. I have this awful habit of reading way into things and thinking stuff like "He started when he was 19 and is this successful at 31. I'm only a few years away from that. It's too late for me." Or, "How the hell am I going to find these remote places or even get there like he does?  And not die from panic?" And I have to remind myself; I'm not trying to be exactly like those who inspire me. My goal at the moment is to see the world, take photographs, conquer my fears, write about it and hopefully inspire other people while doing so. Getting featured in a magazine would be cool, but I have to take it one step at a time and stop thinking so far ahead and psyching myself out. I have to keep in mind what I learned from my road trip - I can do anything I put my mind to, as long as I believe in myself and never give up.

[atravelers-tale]

Limits

Today is the last day of our road trip. Needless to say, I am weary and feel defeated from all of the driving. In eight days, it feels like we have spent most of our time in the car.

I thought trekking across the country and climbing a mountain and sleeping with nature would permanently empower me and I would leave a new woman, and let's face it, I did. But that doesn't make me indestructible, and it is okay to admit when enough is enough. I'm trying not to be bummed and disappointed with my decision to skip a few hours of touring the French quarter in New Orleans and heading straight home, but I have to remember what the girl in the mustard yellow shorts on top of Scout's Lookout in Mount Zion said to me: "I know my limits". And as hard as it is to leave here knowing how close I am to New Orleans and how badly I've always wanted see it, I have to remember how much I have already seen and done and accomplished this week. It's a lot. I have already made three dreams a reality in the last two weeks, I don't need to do them all in one go. I need to spread them out so I can enjoy them thoroughly and not get overwhelmed like I feel now. With the messy, unfinished high way systems and GPS issues in Texas that almost gave me a panic attack three different times, the hail storm in New Mexico that literally had me in a full blown panic attack, the sketchy roads through Louisiana, and missing my family - I think I'm ready to head home a few hours early. Not to mention that living off of ham sandwiches is probably also not good for my health and my body is so sore from hiking/sitting in a car for three days straight twelve hours at a time.

So, no - hiking a mountain and randomly road tripping across the country didn't magically dismiss me from my anxiety disorder, but it did prove to me what I am capable of through it all. (Although if I'm being honest, hiking mount Zion was probably the easiest out of it all for me.) I can do whatever I put my mind to, as long as my mind is healthy and balanced. And I need some time to rest and recharge. To reflect on this experience before trying to squeeze in another.

[atravelers-tale]

A Road Trip Across the United States Part 2

We caught the sunrise over the canyon before packing up and heading to Utah. It was breathtaking. Everything was so still, like the world had stopped. If only it really did, so we could have had that moment for just a little longer. But life goes on, and we started our trek to Utah very tired, but very enlightened.

We arrived at our hotel in Springdale early in the afternoon, desperate for a shower and some down time to relax and recoup.

The next morning, I'm eating breakfast solo at this hotel restaurant with a beautiful view of the massive Mount Zion, and I'm trying not to cry because I have literally made (one of) my dreams come true. I am that person I've always said I wanted to be. Like Julia Roberts in Eat, Pray, Love. That person who comes to a point in their life where they don't know who they are anymore, lost in the ambiguity of living the life they think is expected of them; who then decides to pack up and travel without thinking or hesitation. Within two weeks I was across the country camping in the Grand Canyon and hiking the Mighty Mount Zion. I have conquered so many of my fears and anxieties and there are more to come. But I am so proud of myself. I can't believe what I have accomplished so far.

I had total anxiety about eating breakfast in a restaurant alone. In fact, I had a panic attack in the bathroom before I left. Knowing I had to eat alone. Hike alone. I hate being alone because it feels like there's no one to distract me from my fears and anxieties and doubts. Just me myself and I. I was afraid I would talk myself out of it all. That I'd find some reason to go back. But, I let myself cry it out for a minute and then I sucked it up and walked out that door and I didn't look back.

Then, while I'm sitting at my table for one, feeling self conscious and scared,  I look up and realize there's a girl at the table next to me eating alone too. And I realized I'm not alone. That people do stuff alone sometimes! And it's okay! And I wondered why she's alone, what she's doing here, if she's anything like me.

I love signs. They are comforting and make me believe that what I'm doing is the right thing. Especially when it comes to the radio. They are playing The Head and The Heart in this restaurant.

While waiting in line for the shuttle to take me into the park, a nice older man struck up conversation with me. We talked about where we're from, we talked about travel and the effects of altitude. I explained that my poor friend is stuck at the hotel sick from it. Then his nice family came over and we talked about Ireland and all of the places they have traveled.

I sat next to a nice young guy from California on the shuttle. He was with his two friends who were sitting in front of us. I asked them what they were doing for the day. They said Angel's Landing and the Narrows (two of the more difficult hikes in Mount Zion.) I told them that's what I came for but I was afraid to go alone. At this point, I was still undecided on what trail to do (there's about five total) and I was leaning towards the Emerald Pools - an easier two hour hike. But after thinking about it and talking with the boys from California, I decided hell, I came this far, who cares if I'm alone? I might as well try it, and if I can't finish it then I can't finish it, but at least I could say I tried. So it was decided. I was going to attempt Angel's Landing.

At the beginning, I was nervous but hopeful. It was hot and it started out a little steep, but I kept reminding myself "I've trained for this", and reminded myself to take my time and to take breaks when ever possible. I often talked to the other people who were also resting in the shaded spots. We would talk about how we're doing so far and how far we have left. We all ended up rooting each other on at one point or another later on. Getting further and further up, I couldn't stop smiling. I wanted to high five everyone I passed because I was just so thrilled for myself and for them! (I didn't but I thought about it a lot haha). I just felt so in my element again, climbing miles up a mountain! Taking shade when I could every couple of switchbacks. Helping families take photos and laughing with them. Even though I was doing this alone, I very rarely felt alone. I felt strong. There were people who were turning around and that's okay, but I kept going. I reached a point I guess about two miles up and thought I was almost to the top. A guy was telling me how he started the scouts lookout point where you walk along the edge with the chains but he turned around because it was too hard. And though I was nervous, I pushed on. It was scary. The cliff was slippery with sand, I felt like any wrong move and my clumsy ass would fall off the cliff and die. A woman was sitting at one of the poles holding the chains crying because she couldn't continue and she felt like she was letting her son down. And I climbed passed her too. And just when I think I have accomplished the angel's landing, I realize there is still half a mile of sketchy, straight up climbing to the actual top of angel's landing. At this point, I have already been hiking for two hours in 100 degree weather, I'm running low on water, my legs are a little wobbly and I'm a little woozy. I still have to climb two miles back down. I sat with another girl for a good half an hour, trying so hard to convince myself that I could keep going. I wanted to finish so bad. The girl asked me why I wanted to go to the top so bad, and I couldn't really come up with a good answer. I mostly just wanted to be able to prove to myself that I could, because I'm tired of saying "I can't" in life. I explained that I've been on a journey to find myself and defeat my anxieties. And she explained that she too struggles with anxiety, but she also knows her limits and where to draw the line, and that reaching the point we were at was good enough for her. And as much as I wanted to push myself to go on, I knew in my heart that it wasn't because I was too scared that I wasn't doing it, it was because I knew that I had reached my limit. It would be too much of a risk to keep going. I had to face it - I'm out of shape. I've only been working out for two months, I have only actually trained for this hike for a week, and only ever hiked flat land Florida trails. This was a trail for an expert, and I am not that yet.

I still have so much to be proud of. I can't forget how terrified I was to drive all the way across the country, to camp overnight in the Grand Canyon, to hike alone along the rim of the canyon for pictures, to dine alone in a restaurant, to venture off into Zion alone and attempt to hike a strenuous trail. I tried, and I made it pretty far. And that's enough for me. I am a new person. I am traveled. I have seen great wonders of the United States. Because I wanted to. And now that I know what I am capable of, I can accomplish so much more in the future.

A few things I thought of for anyone thinking of doing Angel's Landing:

-start early: account for time you will take for breakfast and also the time it takes to get through the shuttle line. I waited in line for at least a half an hour. I left the hotel at 8:00am and with breakfast and shuttle time, I didn't start my hike until 10:30. I would have liked to start much earlier. It gets very hot.

-break often. Don't push yourself. Take your time. It's not a race. Enjoy the company of people around you.

-if you have a camera, bring it. Stopping to take pictures will allow you time to break and to distract you from thinking of your heart rate or how tired you feel. It will allow time for your heart rate to get back to normal and to feel good to continue on.

Later in the evening, I was shopping in the hotel gift shop to find little knick nacks or souveniers for my family. "Shine" by collective soul came on the radio. That song is old and rarely heard on the radio, at least where I'm from. It is very important to me because I've always considered it "my dad's song". As far as I can remember, he introduced it to me. So now when I hear it I always like to think that it's my dad speaking to me because it usually happens when I need it the most. I'm taking it as him telling me that he's proud of me, and that he's thinking of mom and Jen also.

The next morning, I woke up too many hours early and couldn't get back to sleep. I had a little anxiety about leaving. What am I going to do when I get back? Did this trip fix me? Am I going to be happy and strong when I get home? Or am I just going to yearn for more experience and new landscapes? I let myself wallow for a bit in the shower and then snapped out of it. I am capable of anything. I just road tripped  across the country. I climbed mountains. I will climb more. And I can do anything I put my mind to when I get home. There is no reason to be sad about leaving this place because there will be more adventures, because I say so.

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A Road Trip Across the United States Part 1

I put the plan in motion. I opened my mind to the idea, and everything fell into place. I ended up having a friend who was able to come along! Within a week, I had all of our travel arrangements set and everything mapped out. We would be driving from Central Florida to Arizona and Utah to see the Grand Canyon and Mount Zion, and then all of the way back to Florida with a pit stop for a few hours to check out New Orleans, Louisiana. All in the course of eight days.

We drove seventeen hours straight the first day and ended up in Fort Worth Texas (not a fan). Day two was fifteen hours and got us all of the way to Flagstaff, Arizona (which I adored!). The day after that we drove for about three hours into the North Rim of the Grand Canyon. It was like driving around on another planet. The landscape was so alien to us! Where we are from everything is flat, brown and green, so the foreign reds, oranges and steep hills and canyons were so incredible to see in person. Pictures and videos just do not do it's grandeur justice! Temperatures were in the low 100's and we definitely felt it when we took a pit stop. But as hot as it was, it was still a relief to experience the dry heat compared to the humidity we are used to in Central Florida.

Once we drove through the canyon area, we ended up having to drive some fifty miles up into the mountain where the landscape completely changed again. Everything started to look straight out of our favorite fantasy movies or video games (picture Lord of the Rings, Elder Scrolls, The Witcher). Miles of pine trees, majestic little meadows! The temperature dropped, and the closer we got to our camp site, the further we seemed from reality. No more reds or oranges, just an abundance of every shade of green.

We arrived at our camp site, a perfect little spot maybe 500 yards away from the north rim trail which had an incredible view of the Grand Canyon. Neither one of us have much experience camping as adults and our neighbor realized this as he watched us fumble with the tent we borrowed from my friend's father in law. He kindly came over and helped us set up, thank goodness! We got settled in and finally did some exploring.

Later on while hiking along the north rim trail of the Grand Canyon, I can't stop thinking to myself "I am in my element!".This is all I have ever dreamed of. Hiking high up in the Mountains across the country, in new terrain and environments, hearing the chirping birds and the wind blowing through the canyons. Feeling completely at peace. Feeling strong and brave. I DID THIS. I made one of my dreams come true! I pushed through the obstacles I knew would arise. I have been anxious and scared and I have also been fearless and exhilarated.

Camping over night was hard. I had anxiety all night long. I couldn't breathe. I was afraid to get up and walk to the bathroom by myself. My back was killing me. It was very cold and I was worried about getting sick. I maybe got 3 hours of sleep? But as hard as it was, I'm glad I did it. It was an amazing experience, sleeping surrounded by nature. Sleeping 8 thousand feet in the air on a mountain! I haven't gone camping since I was a kid growing up in Wisconsin so it was very nostalgic for me. And it was so surreal being in so deep, being far away from things you're so used to and comfortable with. It was such a rewarding challenge that I will never forget.

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Epiphany

The earth and it’s nature are kind and beautiful. They listen and do not judge. They do not gossip. They take care of us and provide nourishment. They forgive, even with how awful the human race is to them - and to each other. They are peaceful. And I need to see it. I need to get this urge to see the world out of my system. Maybe if I do that, I will finally find peace in a simple life and no longer feel restless. I could find peace in settling down. Or not. Maybe it will open more doors. I do not know. But how am I going to know if I'm too scared to try?

All I have ever consistently wanted from life is to travel and see the wonders of the world. To not be stuck where I have always been stuck. To experience and see for myself all of the beauty it has to offer. I want to hike mountains and canyons, I want to do (beginners)yoga at sunrise overlooking the ocean on a cliff. I want to sleep under the stars.

I have always found ways to put it off as if it could never happen. How could I afford that? How will I have the time? Who could go with me? HOW? WHAT ABOUT? WHAT IF?

I have tried many things in life, I have made many mistakes, I have let many good opportunities pass me by because I was too afraid. After I gave up my chance to go to college for photography because I was too afraid, I decided to push it from my mind because “it was not meant to be” - and tried to find another passion.  But here I am, 7 years later, 4 “passions” tried and tossed, with nothing to show but a desire;  a yearning for the same thing I tried to tell myself I did not want or need.

To travel.  No real destination in mind. Just anywhere that I haven’t been. Everywhere.

And now I am coming up on my last day of 4 years at a decent paying, full-time job - because I was feeling restless. Because I needed more. Because I need to stop living afraid and see something through for once. Something that will make me feel alive, and not like I’m just existing or working to live.

Ever since I put in my 2 weeks notice, I have been day dreaming about doing something insane and spontaneous, something that will go down in the books, something that will be a crazy and inspiring story to tell some day. A road trip across the United States. No real destination. Just a desire to see the natural wonders of America. I daydream of packing a cooler with sandwiches and bottled coffee. I daydream of all of the varieties of music playlists I will make to keep me company. I daydream of pulling down my back seats and covering them with memory foam, sleeping in my car instead of a hotel every night. And for one single instance, the one millisecond before my anxiety finds a way to ruin everything, I feel excitement. I feel butterflies in my belly. I feel a deep desire for this insane idea of a journey.  And why not? I am in a unique situation. A blessed situation. The kind where my supportive husband who wants nothing more than to see me happy does well enough for us to get by while I do this. SO WHY THE HELL NOT? WHAT IS STOPPING ME?

Me.

That’s the other thing. My husband wants me to go.

My husband and I connect on so many levels. We are soul mates. But one thing we do not have in common is adventure. Seeking thrills and adventure is not his cup of tea. And as much as we’d both like to be able to experience this together - we just don’t think that it can happen that way.  Someone would need to be here to take care of our home and fur kids. He is afraid he would slow me down, and doesn’t want me to wait until he gets into better shape to go. And he’s right. If I wait too long, I will talk myself out of it, if I haven’t already.

So that means it would just be me, myself and I on this trip. And that’s what scares me the most. Especially as of lately. My mental health has been below average. I have thought things that I haven’t thought since my darkest times in high school. A place I have worked so hard to stay away from.  And it scares me. I am aware of the situation, and I try so hard to pull out of it, but it is hard. I am okay until I am alone. And my thoughts make me believe I deserve to be alone. That nobody wants to hear me complain or talk about my feelings. No one has time for my sorry ass. Why would they? Everyone would be better off without me.

And who wants to be alone, thousands of miles away from home, with someone like that? Would this trip be better or worse for my health? For my sanity and well being? Would it enlighten me, or worsen my depression?

It's so hard to think that someone like me, who has virtually never been alone, never ever been able to make a decision on my own - traveling by myself, making decisions about where I am going to go, decide whether or not I'll be safe, how to save the most money, to know when a trail is dangerous or when I need to turn back. I'm scared that if I fall and break my ankle while hiking, no one will know. And from what I have seen in pictures, the central Florida trails that I have done are a piece of cake in comparison. I'm nervous financially. I don't know what to expect. I'm scared of messing up. But sometimes, I don't care. You make mistakes. You screw up in life. But how much worse would it be to never chase my dreams or at least try? To die unfulfilled?

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