astroallysa

[astroallysa]

Back in 2008 /2009 I was going through Saturn conjunct my moon and my IC (darkest, most intimate to self part of the chart) transit.

I was not prepared for the perpetual heartbreak I would feel and undergo a huge ego death and emotionally transformative experiences. It didn’t feel like a transformative period of time.. I always thought of transformations being somewhat gracious and magical, I felt nothing of the sense of magic or grace. I went through what I know now as major depression, at the time, I didn’t realize that’s what was happening to me.

Saturn is structure, maturity, time, patience, wisdom, effort, commitment, breakdowns and break throughs with him trine Pluto in the first degrees of Capricorn, completely uprooting my relationship dynamics. Pluto is transformative energy, its cellular memory, past life energy, ancestral energy. So if you can even imagine all of this subconscious energy involving my moon, transiting Saturn and Pluto totally obliterating my self image (my ascendent being ruled by the moon) and making me realize my emotional habits were out of balance with the way my soul wanted me to show up. My upbringing and past didn’t logically seem “bad” or “toxic” to me until this transit opened up a whole can of worms I still wouldn’t even be able to put words to until a decade or two later. I felt like a victim to my circumstances but in reality my subconscious was playing out right in front of me. It was like I was in a movie of my own script writing that I really wasn’t ready to act in. I felt completely alone, unrelatable, untrusting, I wanted to be alone but at the same time I wanted comfort from my now husband but at the time he was my on and off again boyfriend. I projected a lot of my insecurities onto him, I wanted him to fulfill unrealistic ideals. For example I wanted him to read my mind, I wanted him to be alone and to only think about me and I wanted him to always choose me over his friends. I wanted to be his addiction. I wanted him to be obsessed with me but give me space. I didn’t yet have a clear understanding on how couple relationships worked. I wanted to feel him want me more than all the other things in his life, which at the time within my 18 year old mind, seemed realistic. I know better now, and I can see how deeply insecure and naive I was to think and react the way I did. Pluto was activating my Uranus Mars opposition which made me rebel against the status quo. But with Chiron involved I always seemed to regret my decisions. For example I remember kevin was out with his friend and I kept calling him and he wasn’t answering, I can see now I was being really obnoxious and seeking attention and looking for a fight, but really wanting to be consoled, held and told that I was enough and that I was loved but of course at the time I didn’t know that’s what I needed. I was completely confused on what to ask for, so instead of asking I just assumed and create horrific stories in my mind. I felt unwanted by kevin at the time because he’d been hanging out with his friends more than me, he wouldn’t invite me along because I wasn’t supportive of his friendships or with him smoking weed and drinking. I wasn’t into drinking or smoking, I was very stuck in my beliefs and it really created opposition between me and a lot of people he associated himself with. I felt like if I succumbed to smoking and drinking that I would become my parents and sink into something that I didn’t want to be a part of my identity. I also felt like I needed to be in control at all times, natal pluto opposing my sun plus my Virgo moon, I wanted to be seen as having it all together. Even though I was far from having it all together. I was extreme in my beliefs and when I would find out that kevin was lying to me and doing what I believed as stupid and harmful, I’d freak the fuck out on him. You can see now why he didn’t want to answer my phone calls. He ended up answering, I said something off putting and told him it was over, I wanted him to beg for me and ask for forgiveness (Pluto opposite sun/Taurus Scorpio axis). He usually would cry and apologize and lie and tell me he’d do better. This particular night, he did no such thing. I waited snd waited for him to blow up my phone, but got nothing. I soon regretted my behavior and wanted him to know we were still in a relationship. Lol. There’s that controlling aspect again. His phone was off. I was devastated. I’d go through a whirlwind of emotions.. I’d be sad, then I’d be angry with him, then angry with myself, then regretful, ashamed, blaming.. all the things. He ended up calling me the next morning… TBC #pluto

[astroallysa]

I’m sitting in the bathtub crying. Wishing I could feel your body next to mine. Wishing I had have squeezed a little tighter, held you a little longer, told you I loved you a little softer, a little closer to feel your heart beat a little lighter with my embrace. You told me you’ve been working on self love and I think that’s where it all begins. Loving yourself, caring for yourself without the praise from another is a wonderful thing. It’s challenging and there are definitely lonely points in the road. I believe in you. You are a spark in my life that has never gone out. I love your kid like essence, your shine and your sparkle. I want you to feel my cheer when you have a moment of fear, I am always near and I will always be here. Our love will never die.

[astroallysa]

Why couldn’t I give him up? Because I knew in my soul we fit, we sparked, we were magic, we were fire, we were solid, we melted and flowed together. When I would sit near him I felt an unmovable sensation in the feeling that I’d made it, I was home and if I were to stay I’d be finished, I’d have won the race of life too soon. It was a feeling that only lasted a minute or two before I was swept back into a reality that was out of order.

[astroallysa]

[astroallysa]

He lay there on his couch pondering all lost opportunities of his quick schemed past.

Violent whispers echo through. This isn't him, it's not what he believes in. He wants to wake up from the perpetual shock, a reaccuring dismay that never seems to go away.

He'll have to keep a bet, kill his stepdad while he sleeps, cut his mom, jump into the rut to get back where he started from.

He'll save them then. This isn't him, it's not what he believes in.

This isn't him. It's really not. He'd rather be shot. The whispers run deeper and that's when the reaper comes again to take him back to an everlasting addiction of throwing back whiskey, falling down the rabbit hole once again.

Darkness is where he lives. This isn't him. It's not what he believes in. He wants to see her again, hold her hand while they walk into the light. Everything would be so right, when they walk into the light.

But that isn't him. It's not what he believes in.

Pluto/Neptune/Uranus conjunct/square/opposing Venus or moon vibes

[astroallysa]

Finally starting to understand snapchat.

[astroallysa]

[astroallysa]

sleepy mila

[astroallysa]

my new baby front pack

[astroallysa]

[astroallysa]

[astroallysa]

my baby girl

[astroallysa]

christmas tree and me

[astroallysa]

[astroallysa]

loozie&dotti

[astroallysa]

belly. 39 weeks

[astroallysa]

our christmas tree