astranger18 - Tumblr blog

[astranger18]

A terrible night

How do you know that you were taken advantage of? Has he taken advantage of me if I didn't speak out? Or if I portrayed as I don't know what did happen?

It was not like he forced himself on me, he is a close family relative of mine and he slept over one day. As usual we had some take out food and were watching some movies in the hall and as usual I slept off in between the movie.

Then suddenly I felt a cool breeze on my lower back, but I shouldn't feel it as I tuck myself tightly. Then I felt his hands running through my back slowly and when I opened my eyes partially it was painful, but I didn't speak out, or scream as my other family members in the other room.

He didn't stop with my back, he grabbed onto my boobs and started kissing my chest. He forced his mouth on mine, even though I clenched my teeth.

Then suddenly someone came out and he immediately went to the sofa and acted as if he was asleep. As the room was cleared again, I went to the washroom, even then I didn't realize the terrible thing that was happening.

I went to an empty room thinking that he would not follow me, but after 10 minutes, he again came to the room thinking I slept off. And then to my horror he started fingering me.

I don't know what came into me, that I didn't speak was I scared, embarrassed or was I even enjoying it a secret way. What is the real reason I don't know.

Whatever the reason might had been I hated it and I hated myself for not stopping it at that time. I promise myself that person will never touch me ever again.

[astranger18]

A little trip to the airport...

Today I went to the airport with walls towering around me. When the sunlight hit the windows, it highlighted the lives of various people around me. A young woman standing among the rushing crowd holds on to the ticket and passport, with hope lingering in her eyes and happiness to begin her dream. The couple behind her mumbled prayers and wished for all the blessings in the world for their young son as they bid farewell for the time. Amongst these voices, there were two that stood out and they belonged to a little brother and his sister, sitting on the top of their wheelie friend filled with excitement for their journey. Then there was an old couple embracing each other tightly as tears were overflowing down their cheeks, it was happy tears of reuniting with the one you love and pain that they had to endure when they were apart.

It is a paradox that one place can be a reason for happiness and sorrow for different people.

[astranger18]

Stop Blaming, Start Living.

In our lives, there might be a bunch of decisions that we have to make to please others. And we live the rest of our lives blaming and regretting it. Blaming is our coping mechanism to deal it the problem. But instead of blaming, we can do two things. First, you should have the will to say NO and get out of that situation. I know it is easier said than done, and I also belong to the category of people for whom saying 'No' to others is psychologically impossible. I really appreciate people who can do it. The second method is for those like me, you just do it irrespective of your own feelings. So, to these I want to say please stop blaming, since you are gonna do it just suck it up and do.

As long as we blame ourselves, we are in denial, and to actually live our lives we have to start accepting the situation and make the best possible outcome from it.

It took me a while to start accepting and I am still not done, I am trying to live my life and making the best out of it. If I can then you definitely will succeed in living and loving your life.

[astranger18]

"Even if there are ppl to help you, no one will know if you need help until you ask for it."

[astranger18]

A worthless bitch

I’m sorry for being the person I’m U deserve better than me I hate who I’m And hate how I’m hurting you I know I don’t even deserve to say sorry to you I’m sorry that a curse like me was born to you U are a good person and u don’t deserve me I know my actions are inexcusable But I don’t know why I lie to you It’s like it is embedded in me U are so pure And I’m dragging u down into the pit with me I’m the reason u lost ur peace I know you don’t trust me I don’t know what to say to you It’s not because I don’t care It’s because I’m ashamed to open my mouth I know it sounds like an excuse But I really am It should have been me in place of Appu, then U would have been happy He was the child that u deserved not me I’m not saying because I don’t feel loved I’m writing this because I know u don’t deserve a worthless lying bitch like me I’m sorry for everything I’m sorry for being born and ruining ur life Please don’t hate me

[astranger18]

A disappointment.

I’m a very bad person who acts to be a good one. I am hurting the people who care for me and am a huge disappointment to them. Every time I promise myself to be good and better, I break it and again go back to the old ways. It feels like I’m dragged into darkness. Maybe that is true, there might be a darkness which is being pulled. I don’t have any right to say that I did this things unknowingly because no one is forcing me to be bad. I am making this decisions on my own and trying to find reason to prove that I’m the victim. I’m not. I’m want my life to be easy and am finding ways to live at the expenses of other’s sacrifice. I’m a shitty person and deserve all the pain that happens. I know it’s meaningless to say but I’m sorry that I hurt you and please try to forgive me. I’m sorry that you are ashamed of me. I hope you will be able to let of my wrong doings and trust me again. I know I’m not worthy of it.

[astranger18]

A failure.

Everyone fails to understand me, I know I’m not perfect and I have done a lot of mistakes. But instead of blaming and pointing all the ways that in which I made a mistake. Why can’t people sit and talk to me. I know I’m a loser and a failure. Can’t you just be there for me? Obsessing over my weight and mocking me over it, you might think it is for my own benefit. But the thing that you are forgetting is that I do have feelings and it hurts. It’s not I’m not trying. Saying that no one love you or marry you if you don’t lose weight is not the way to motivate others. I feel suffocate unable to express my feelings to anyone. With whom can I open my heart? My parents and relatives who mock or to my friends. How can I tell my friends that my family is torturing me about weight loss? Family’s are supposed to uplift you not crush your spirits. My self esteem is nonexistent, because of you. I feel like I don’t deserve love and affection. It’s not easy to lose as you gain and I’m trying.

Sorry for being a disappointment to you all.

[astranger18]

I like my best friend...

I like my best friend, but he doesn't have the same feeling. In fact, he likes another friend of mine. I have been trying to not feel the way I do ever since I knew about them being together. Even though they didn't tell me this to date that they were together. You might think I'm just overthinking this but that's not the deal. I have seen him giving a peck on her cheek and it broke me in pieces as I witnessed it, I was barely able to get a word out of my mouth, I stood still in shock for a few minutes which felt an eternity. Some might think it's not a big deal, but it is a huge deal for me. So since then, I've been trying to stop myself from feelings. To stop feeling jealous to see her arm wrapped around his hand. I just want to tell him sometimes but am too afraid that it will ruin our friendship. I am trying to keep my distance from him but every time I do, he confronts me and I just deny it. Sometimes I just want to hold onto him so tight and never let go. The more I try to get away, the more deeply I'm getting pulled towards him. He's not great-looking, but he is a lovely person with good heat. I do not dare to admit this feeling to him, so I'm dumping it out over here. If you have any solution please let me know.

[astranger18]

It's ok, be selfish you too deserve happiness...

[astranger18]

Some thoughts that hurts....

I’m trying to stay positive I’m trying to stay spiritual But God is hurting It’s painful When ppl don’t think about me or my feelings When ppl just look at my imperfections When ppl just demotivate me When ppl just expect me to do what they want And not even considering what I would be going through I know my troubles and suffering are nothing in front of millions who are in worst situation than I’m Please give me the strength to overcome all my overwhelming pain Please give me the courage to find positiveness in this Please be with me God and help me be strong in YOU.

[astranger18]

Do not try to please everyone at the cost of your happiness.

[astranger18]

It’s ok to be selfish for your needs, once you start it you’ll be fine

[astranger18]

If your life evolves with others needs, then it’s not YOUR LIFE…

[astranger18]

A rough start to 2024

Hello everyone,

It's not even 24 hrs since a new year has began, but yes this year already sucks. I don't what did to deserve this pain and humiliation.

Yes, I'll tell you what happened. When everyone was celebrating New Year with their family and friends, I was siting alone in my hall all alone in the darkness. Some of you will think so what, it will be like 'me time' , but that's not the case, when you are alone you will understand the feeling of being unwanted and worthless. With all the family drama and pain, I wanted to begin this New Year with some hope that's all I wanted, and it was stolen.

Yes, STOLEN. Today went I went out with a friend of mine to chill and be happy. But no, how can life be kind to me, how can life let me be happy. It sure can't let it happen. It's like life's personal agenda of my life is to make me miserable. When I got a tiny drop of happiness, life couldn't bear it and my phone got stolen on the very first day of a new year. So much for hope. The thing I don't understand is that people make resolutions to be better the coming year and it gets broken most of the time. I am just wondering about the resolution made by the guy who stole my phone. Was it to be a better person or to steal efficiently, if it was the lather then he is in the right track.

You must wondering why is she being so dramatic, only her phone was only stolen.

The thing is I lost my hope, hope to have a good year, hope to have a peaceful future, with a rough start to 2024.