astnmartn

[astnmartn]

SILVERSTONE 2025 | Marco Bezzecchi + hugging his team after his win.

[astnmartn]

Joan Baez photographed by Tony Evans, 1965.

[astnmartn]

ice cream for two

pairing: mv1 x reader

summary: drunk home invasions and chance meetings

notes: 1.6k words. 2 of my favorite small prompts in one! I wrote this on a whim so my apologies if smth doesn’t make sense! 😞

The only question your sleepy self could conjure up was, where am I?

Sitting up on your couch you look down to realize you are in last night's outfit, heels kicked off somewhere else in the room. Yawning you stand up and stretch your limbs. Almost like a cat, you think to yourself, watching a spotted cat walk up to you curiously.

Your brain barely registers what's happening before the cat starts rubbing itself against your legs affectionately.

You don't have cats. You're mildly allergic. So, why the hell was there a very cute cat in your apartment?

You look around the apartment and confirm your suspicions. This isn't your apartment. As if on cue, two more cats stroll out from what you assume is a bedroom. One identical to the first and the third, a white kitten.

You barely take a second to admire how cute they are before you scramble to grab your heels and find your phone. It takes everything in you to not pet all three of them as you hurry.

You find your purse and don't bother to put on your heels. You figure you'll be faster without them. You internally freak out as you try to find the front door.

Finally, you let out a sigh of relief as you reach the front door. Twisting the knob of the already unlocked door, a loud crash sounds from from behind you.

Slowly turning your head toward the sound you see a wide-eyed frightened man staring back at you, his cell phone on the floor. The man rubs his eyes once, twice, and then a third time to make sure he isn't dreaming.

He opens his mouth to speak and closes it again in shock as you stare at each other. The cats are behind him staring between the two of you.

You break the silence. "It's not what it looks like!"

"What is it supposed to look like?! You broke into my home!" He spat in disbelief, accent thick.

"I didn't break in! I don't even know how I got in the first place, and I was leaving!" You said, attempting to defend yourself. Though, it was in vain. This was impossible to defend.

As he thinks of how to respond, his eyes widen in realization. Lando had left the door open after he left their midnight FIFA session. Lando had told him, but out of pure laziness, he didn't bother. He drags his hands down his face and groans loudly.

After a moment he mumbles "Just go." With his head in his hands.

Letting out a sigh of relief, you run out of there as fast as possible and don't look back.

▀▄▀▄▀▄ ▀▄▀▄▀▄ ▀▄▀▄▀▄ ▀▄▀▄▀▄ ▀▄▀▄▀▄ ▀▄▀▄

Human interaction was the last thing you needed right now.

It was cold, too cold for just a shirt and sweatpants. You were hungry and needed a late-night snack, quick. The streets of Monaco were relatively calm at midnight aside from bass bumping from three streets down.

You walk down the sidewalk, walking past drunk couples, groups of friends, and the occasional midnight runner.

After a few minutes, you finally make your way inside the supermarket and its automated sliding doors. The bright white lights are a painful contrast to the dark blue of the night sky.

You make your way toward the ice cream aisle, ignoring the stares from the exhausted cashier workers. You open the fridge, reaching for the first pint that grabs your attention: cookie dough. The last one. You smile to yourself.

"Excuse me, is that the last one?" A familiar accent sounds from beside you.

Turning your head toward the sound slowly you wince as you see the owner of the voice.

A man. The same man whose apartment you drunkenly broke into.

He looks at you for an answer and lingers on your face for far too long. He realizes it then.

"It's you. The one that broke into my apartment." His voice is flat, unsurprised, depleted even.

You sigh and start to walk to the cashier. He follows behind you. "Small world. And, I didn't mean to! Like I said I don't even know how I got there in the first place. Wait- why are following me?" You halt and turn around.

"That was the last one. You owe me." He says pointing at the tub in your hands.

"I don't owe you anything." As you say that you realize what a lie that is. He didn't yell or call the authorities. At the same time, you visually aren't much a of threat.

"Fine. Take it," you say, reluctantly placing the pint in his hands. You walk past him to grab another one. Again, he follows after you. Before you can open the fridge again he reaches for your arm

"No, don't. We can share it. If you want to." he hesitantly lets go of your arm as your eyes lock onto his green ones.

You close the fridge and glare at him. "Fine. But you're paying."

At that, he smiles shyly. "Of course." The both of you make your way toward the cash register. You awkwardly stand beside him as he pays for the ice cream.

The night air hits you as the pair of you walk out of the supermarket. You shudder at the cold, placing your arms around you. He takes notice of this.

"Here." He starts and hands you his jacket. You take the jacket in your arms. It's plain, black, and very soft. You wrap yourself in it quickly trying to escape the sting of the cold. You look up and he's still watching. You mutter a thanks under your breath.

He nods, lips pursed. He looks around for a place to sit. Luckily, there's a bench near the dock a few steps ahead, he heads toward it and you follow.

You feel the much stronger and heavier breeze as you sit on the bench. He sits beside you and places his other market bags down.

He pulls out a spoon from his pocket, you don't question but your stare says otherwise. "Don't ask." He smiles. You catch yourself smiling as well.

He opens the pint painfully slowly. You watch as his spoon digs into the frozen treat and as he takes the first bite. You don't know why but it's almost hypnotizing.

He glances at you with furrowed brows. "What?" He questions after he gulps down his bite and holds out the spoon toward you.

You hope the night masks the blush creeping onto your face. "Nothing. It's just...how am I supposed to share a spoon with you if I don't even know your name?"

"Max. My name is Max." He answers.

"Max...?" You push.

The man who you now know as Max, puts his finger to his lips with a smile and takes another spoonful of the ice cream.

Playfully rolling your eyes you take the spoon and scoop a bite for yourself.

"I'm pretty sure you're supposed to tell me your name now," Max says, slouching on the bench, his eyes locked on yours. Gulping down your bite and meeting his eye, you tell him your name. In the silence of the night, Max recites your name under his breath.

You shift in your seat. You're not sure if it's the cold or the way he says your name that makes you shiver.

Both, you think.

The two of you sit there passing the tub of ice cream back and forth and listening to the waves crashing.

After about an hour, the spoon hits the bottom of the plastic cup. The both of you look at each other and quietly laugh.

Max gets up from the bench first, he stretches and looks down at you on the bench he extends a hand politely to help you up. You accept it and find that his hand has an abnormally firm grip.

With his eyes on yours, Max smiles. "Let me walk you home—your real home, " he chuckles. There's no pressure in the way he says it. Though, in this moment, you'd go anywhere if he asked.

You hesitate for a second, looking around at the dark empty streets.

"Okay." You smile.

Max smiles as well. Maybe too hard for someone he had just properly met. Max allows you to lead the way at first, then after a while the both of you start walking in step.

In the quiet of the night you share soft conversation, asking each other about your dreams, careers, and families.

You learn that Max is Dutch and a big family man.

You also learn that he is a car driver. He didn't specify which kind but you didn't want to ask too many questions. Mostly because you didn't want to pry, and also because you were already at the front step of your apartment building.

"This is me." You say with a straight face. You're a little sad that your night with Max has come to an end. You hope that he's just as disappointed as you are.

He nods politely, an awkward smile etched onto his lips.

"When can I see you again?" He asks lifting an eyebrow as you walk up the steps of your building.

Halting, you look back and reply, “Depends. How much do you wanna see me?" You grin.

“A lot,” Max replied quickly. “Too much for someone I barely know.”

You laugh softly. "I didn't expect that. But, me too."

"I didn't expect to feel it." He confesses. "Let me take you out. Properly, this time. No pressure."

"I'll take you up on that."

Max grins.

This time with the newfound confidence of having taken a chance.

[astnmartn]

[astnmartn]

okay but why do people STILL, IN 2025, use an ‘x reader’ tag and proceed to use an oc…

as said in another yelling, don’t say stuff that doesn’t portray anything about the reader, it defeats the point of an ‘x reader’

fucking hate it

[astnmartn]

it’s you she’s thinking of (2/?)

pairing: severus snape x fem!reader

summary: reader is friends with the marauders, but after standing up for severus snape, james and sirius ignore them. reader struggles faintly with guilt but knows they did the right thing and try’s to make amends with severus.

notes: 1.5k words! I’m sorry this took so long. I’m an insane procrastinator so I sincerely apologize! (also the formatting is so wonky tumblr is being stupid.) Severus is so cute I can’t!!! he’s so ooc it’s amazing. I’m inlove. :P let me know what you think and enjoy!

Today is the day you told yourself. Today is the day you confront James and Sirius and solve what’s going on between the three of you and be friends again. Like it used to be. Lying in bed and staring at the ceiling would not get you anywhere, so you got up and changed into your robes.

It was a gloomy Saturday morning; you thought as you looked out the window next to your bed. You hoped it wasn’t a bad omen. It is still early in the morning, so you don't expect anyone to be up yet; you hear voices in the common room. Stepping outside the girl’s room, you step back in immediately. You spot James and Sirius making conversation on one of the many couches. The floor creaks underneath you, and they turn toward the sound, going quiet.

“Hey, you two.” You speak, giving them a small wave. “Hey y/n. Just the person we wanted to see.” Sirius smiles. James sighs beside him. “Come. Sit. James has something he needs to tell you.” James shakes his head as Sirius beckons you over to the couch next to them. You walk over to the armchair and sit with your palms sweating. “Okay. What is it?” “C'mon, James, tell her.” Sirius pleads. James shakes his head, slumping further into the couch. Sirius scratches the back of his neck, something you came to learn he does when he's uncomfortable.

“It’s alright if you’re not ready to talk to me, James. I just want to say this. I don’t regret what I did. Not one bit. If doing the right thing by helping Severus from being tormented by you ruins our friendship, then so be it.” You let out. A part of you hurts having said those words. After all, they had been your best friends since the second year.

James and Sirius say nothing. James is avoiding eye contact, and Sirius looks as if he has something to say. “I’m going to go now. Bye.” You look back once and Sirius stands up, but James pushes him back down. “Don’t.” James stands up. “Filthy half bloods have to stick together, after all, don't they?” James snickers.

Reaching for the door handle, you stop. You felt your stomach drop and your eyes prickle with tears. “Y/n…” Sirius breathes. You open the door and take off. You don’t witness Sirius stand and push James onto the couch, scolding him.

The same James who swore he didn’t care about blood status. Who swore he wasn’t like all the other pure bloods in the school, and the same James who in 2nd year picked you up when you fell in mud in front of the entire school. James and his friends, who helped you get cleaned up and defended you from the students teasing you.

You were inseparable, and now it didn’t seem like you could ever be again.

_

You run as fast as you can down the moving staircases, hoping no one will see you with tears rolling down your face.

You push past the mob of students trying to enter the great hall, in order to leave the castle. At the same time looking down at your feet trying to avoid the stares of those passing by, you don’t see Remus and Peter in front of you. You bump into both of them.

“Hey, hey, where are you off to?” Remus asks you, looking worried. When you don’t answer, he lifts your face to look at him. You don’t protest. “Are you okay? What happened? Was it James?” He questions you frantically. Peter looks at you apologetically.

“I’m fine.” You say, wiping your face of tears more threatening to spill. You try to smile to show them you're okay, but you fail. “I’m just going to go, okay? I’ll see you two later.” You walk further from them and Remus is about to go after you, but Peter holds him back.

“She needs to be alone. She’ll tell us when she’s ready. Just relax.” Peter looks at Remus. He looks like he could bite. Remus nods.

_

You leave through the back doors and go downhill towards the ground keeper's hut. All sense of direction has left your mind, only being able to think about how badly James had hurt you. That being said, you walked so far you hadn’t noticed you’d stumbled into the forbidden forest. Only realizing when you heard someone calling your name.

You wiped your tears to clear your blurry vision. Looking around, you can only make out a tall figure dressed in black. You sniffle as they call out your name again. “Y/n? What are you doing out here?” You recognize that voice.

“Oh Severus. I didn't know you were down here. I'm sorry, I'm going to go.” You whisper and turn to leave.

“No, stay.” He responds. He comes up to you and study’s your expression. “You’ve been crying. Why?” He demanded softly. You’re quite surprised by his demeanor. “It’s nothing, really.” You said sniffling. “It's not nothing if you've come down here crying.” he adds a supportive hand to your shoulder. He looks at you with kind eyes, a rare sight. He's willing to listen.

He nods his head toward a black blanket laying on the ground. “Come, sit.” He invites you. You nod and follow behind him, watching the wind run through his long black hair, a mesmerizing sight. The blanket lays below a large tree, with the leaves changing colors. Severus sits first, next to a small pile of books and a few pieces of buttered bread from breakfast.

You sit next to him, although you can feel sticks and rocks under you, it is quite comfortable “Is where you hang out?” You ask, turning to face him. He’s already looking at you. “Yes, it is. It’s especially beautiful at this hour.” He says. You look around and it’s true. The fresh smell of the outdoors, specifically after rainfall, the light sun peeking through the trees, and the trees getting absorbed by the fog, do look especially beautiful today.

You silently agree with him as he continues to look at you. You avoid his eyes, pretending his piercing gaze isn’t making you flush. “So, now, do you want to tell me what made you come down here in the first place?” You look down, biting your lip nervously, the memory of James making you feel uneasy. “It’s just James. He said something awful about you and me. Something I would have never expected him to say.” Oh. Severus furrows his brows in confusion. He knows James would of course be cruel to him, but to you?

“I'm sorry about that.” He says softly. “What did he say? If you don’t mind, of course.” You look at him with a pained expression, he almost regrets asking. You go on, “He said, filthy half bloods should stick together. He didn’t even look like he regretted saying it.” your lip trembles. You wipe the tears before they fall. “The worst part is that I’ll probably forgive him.” You say, hiding your face behind your shaky hands.

“But you shouldn’t.” Severus removes your hands from your face, looking you in the eyes. “He doesn’t deserve you or your forgiveness.”

You’re not sure what led you to hug him, but you don’t regret it. You pull him into your arms and hold him tightly. He jumps slightly, surprised, but he settles. You can tell he isn’t used to it. He melts into your touch, tentatively hugging you back.

_

After your eventful morning and a semi delightful breakfast period with Severus, you finished your classes along with the rest of the day, and it was time for dinner. Remus and Peter had already gone down to secure a suitable spot on the table (Remus' idea, of course) in order for you to not have to sit close to James or Sirius.

You still hadn’t told him the reason you were so upset, but he knew the look of guilt on James’ face wasn’t just a coincidence. Still, Remus did not confront him, as it wasn’t his place and he knew better than to get involved when it was clearly personal.

As you enter the great hall, your eyes dart toward the Slytherin table. Severus' eyes are already on you. You shoot him a quick smile, one which he returns. You head to your table and sit across from Peter and Remus with a happy sigh. Looking at Remus and Peter in front of you, they give you odd looks. Remus eyebrow is raised and Peter looks a bit taken aback.

“What was that?” Remus starts, “What was what?” You said, trying to stop a smile from creeping onto your face. “You know exactly what I’m talking about, we both saw it! Didn’t we Peter?” Remus has a smile that reaches his eyes and is trying to hold in a sweet laugh. Peter nods in agreement.

“It’s nothing.” You say finally, smiling sheepishly.

_

taglist: @blueberrysquire , @sadeyes61 , @bookworm8161 , @tellybearryyyy

[astnmartn]

throwing my two cents in.

the point of writing is to write. the point of making art is to make art. these things exist because we want to express ourselves and put love and anger and emotion into it. why should i care about artwork that a robot made. why should i read something that a model just churned out.

writing sucks. it’s hard, it’s miserable, you can write thousands of words and three people will say 👍 and it plagues you. but the ideas are your own and the way you express it is your own and i don’t want to read what a robot has to say about it. i want to read your sentences that start but or and; i want to read your sentences that don’t have a subject; i want to read your creative input. ai won’t give you choppy sentences that build tension and drama and have no subjects and convey emotions through metaphors you could never consider — because it can’t. it won’t. and i don’t want to read it.

have ideas? try writing them.

have ideas and feel like you can’t write? try anyway. or yap on here. make friends and share the ideas with them. create storylines for fics no one will ever get to see. say “what if character x and character y did this” and let people go “omg and then what if this happens” and continue and you have a whole story made with your own thoughts and feelings and love and art.

tdlr; fuck ai

[astnmartn]

it’s you she’s thinking of (1/?)

pairing: severus snape x fem!reader

summary: reader is friends with the marauders, but after standing up for severus snape, james and sirius ignore them. reader struggles faintly with guilt but knows they did the right thing and try’s to make amends with severus.

notes: 1.6k words!! this is a series I’m committed to finishing rn. trying to get my creativity back slowly but surely. anyway, I hope you enjoy enough to read the coming parts!

You watched as James waved his wand at Severus. You knew it was wrong. Not only that, but you, as well as Remus and Peter knew you should help him. A small crowd formed as James lifted Severus, Sirius, and the crowd shouted awful names at him. “I think that's quite enough James.” Remus puts a hand on James' shoulder.

“No, this is what he gets!” James shrugs Remus off in between laughs. Sighing, you look to Remus as a crowd grows larger. You pull out your wand from your robes. “Expelliarmus!” you shout, wand pointed at James. His wand hits the ground as well as Severus who hits the dirt. The crowd bursts out laughing and James looks at you in disbelief.

You stare back at him. You've never seen him take it this far. You knew he didn't like Severus, and you also didn't know why. But you knew that nobody deserved to be treated like this.

“So you're his friend now?” James raises his voice at you. You shake your head. “No, I'm not. But nobody deserves this, James!” You turn away from him and head toward Severus. You hold out a hand to help him, but he flinches.

“Severus…” you whisper. He gives you a quick glance through his dark hair and quickly gets up by himself. “I don't need your help.” He murmurs angrily and storms up toward the castle.

_

You move your food around your plate the whole time during dinner. You're currently sitting in front of Remus and Peter at the far end of the Gryffindor table as James and Sirius have shunned you out. Peter and Remus being the saints they are, sat with you.

“Look y/n, you tried, that's all that matters. If Severus wants to be a prick about it, so what?” Peter blurted out. Remus only nods. “You don’t understand… I let it happen. I feel so bad.

I should've told them to stop before it got bad. Truthfully, I didn't know it was this bad.” You sigh.

“You couldn't have known y/n. Don't dwell on it. And eat, you'll feel better.” Remus offers a small smile.

“No, I'm not hungry.” You say pushing your food away. “I'll see you guys tomorrow, okay? Goodnight.” You get up from the table and give them a small wave. Pushing open the doors of the great hall you look back one more time toward the Slytherin table and see Severus staring back at you. He quickly looks away, and you walk toward Gryffindor tower.

_

The next morning you wait in the common room for your friends to head down for breakfast as always. But today as James and Sirius step out into the common room, they barely spare you a glance and walk down for breakfast by themselves. You sit back down sighing and wait for Peter and Remus. They exit their room and give you sad smiles. “Good-morning.” They mumble. Peter seemed antsy.

“Good Morning. You guys don't have to walk with me if you don't want to. I know they told you not to speak to me.” You sigh, opening the doors to exit the tower. Remus glares at peter. “They did! But we told them no… Of course!” Peter blurts. Remus sighs. “We weren't supposed to tell you.” he confesses, rolling his eyes. You don't respond. Continuing walking down to the great hall.

“It’s okay, really. You can sit with them if you'd like. I don't mind sitting alone.” You say opening the doors to the great hall. You continue walking to the far end of the Gryffindor table. They follow behind you. You sit and they sit across from you. “Y/n listen to us. We want to sit with you. What you did yesterday was very noble. We won't not be your friend just because they told us to. What they did to Severus was wrong. So, we want to sit with you.” Remus exhales. Peter nods.

You take their hands in yours. “Thank you guys. You don't know how much I appreciate it.” You smile. Peter pulls his hands out first. “Now, let's eat. I'm starving.” He says. You all laugh and fill your plates.

_

After breakfast, the three of you follow the crowd out of the great hall. Remus drops you and peter off at potions before heading off to his first class of the day. A jolly professor slughorn greets the both of you along with the rest of the fifth year Gryffindor and Slytherin. Slughorn instructs you all to follow him to one of the stations. All the students huddle up around the station and watch as Slughorn demonstrates the potion he wants you to make today. It's fairly simple, but you know Peter won’t understand. Potions is not his strongest suit. “Questions?” Slughorn asks.

A small Slytherin girl raises her hand. “Yes, Ms…?” “Pierce.” She smiles. “Will we be working with our desk mates?” “Excellent question Ms. Pierce! No, you will not.” The class sighs. You and Peter both look at each other. You shrug. “Today, you have been assigned random partners! An exceptional way to get to know each other. Perhaps make a new friend!” Slughorn suggests. The Slytherin's groan.

Slughorn chuckles. “You can find out who your partner is up there.” Slughorn points to the chalkboard. The class walks up the board and either sigh or smile at who they got. Most of them have to ask who their partners are. You and Peter are one of the last to take a look at the list and Peter looks pretty put off seeing who he got. You scan the list for your name. Next to yours is Severus Snape.

You look around the room and see Severus already looking at you. You wonder how long he's been doing that. You look away quickly and give Peter a small wave.

Walking toward Severus, you offer him a smile. He doesn't return it. Instead, already walking to claim a station. You quickly follow behind him. You stand opposite him at a station you're sharing with two other Slytherin's. You pull out your potions book and scan the pages for the one you're making. Severus doesn't bother. He ties up his hair and starts setting up the ingredients. You study his face. You don’t understand how James or anyone could insult his looks. You snap out of your thoughts and look around the room, hearing the loud chatter. Even Peter and his partner are speaking. Civilly, unlike the others. “So we're just not going to talk then?” you look at him. Severus hums. “Okay then.” You say with a tight-lipped smile.

You look around again, bored. “Can I at least help you? I know I’m not the best at potion making, and you’d rather work on your own, but I can help.” You exclaimed. The two Slytherin's stifle their laughs. You roll your eyes and wait for his response.

“You're making a scene.” He says. “You can clean up after me. I don’t need to be embarrassed again.” He doesn't look at you. “Great.” You sigh.

_

The class has finished their potions, and Professor Slughorn is inspecting them. He finally reaches your station and drops a small leaf in. “Merlin's beard! It is absolutely perfect! 5 points to Gryffindor and Slytherin for amazing collaboration.” Slughorn smiles. The class claps and you thank him and smile softly. You try not to look disappointed. You knew you hadn’t earned it, but your house desperately needed the points because of James and Sirius's pranks.

Severus politely thanks Slughorn and goes back to his original desk. You keep your promise of cleaning up after him and clean the small spills and tiny leaves he left behind and put some ingredients back on the shelves. The bell rings and Peter waits for you to finish. You collect your books and head out the door with peter. “All went well I suppose?” You ask. “Terribly well. I'm glad she did most of the work. I probably would have made it explode somehow.” You both laugh.

Remus spots the both of you and walks beside you. You greet each other. You walk Peter and Remus to their respective classes as you have a free period. You say goodbye to Remus and walk around the castle. Turning the corner you spot Severus sitting on a bench in the courtyard alone, book in hand. You have nothing better to do so you walk toward him.

You sit beside him, and he looks up at you. You smile having finally got his attention.

“What could you possibly want y/n?” he murmurs grumpily. “Nothing. Just nowhere to be.” You shrug. “What does that have to do with me?” He responds, trying to look busy with his book.

“I Just wanted to speak to you. Look, Severus… I'm really sorry about James and Sirius. I know I'm not supposed to be apologizing on their behalf, but I feel partially responsible.” Lifting your head to see if he's listening you continue as he pretends he isn’t. “I feel responsible for not having stopped them from doing any of this to you.” You shake your head. “And I'm also sorry for embarrassing you even more by dropping you like that. I haven't been paying much attention in charms. I just wanted to stop him.” You exhale. You turn to look at him, waiting for a response. Severus is staring into the distance. You follow his line of sight and see James and Sirius staring at the both of you, shaking their heads, scoffing and walking away.

Severus sighs as he gets up from his spot on the bench. “Thank you.” He moves his hair out of his face, a polite smile barely gracing his lips. You nod, staying seated on the bench smiling as you watch him walk away.

_

[astnmartn]

(and his punk furry boyfriend)

[astnmartn]

i love you, it’s ruining my life!

(notes: this is EXTREMELY short! trying to get back into the gist of writing. Probably really bad but hopefully you like it!)

Leaving Monaco was something you thought you'd never do. Leaving your friends and those who felt like family unexpectedly was something you didn't want to do. But you knew better than to stay. Monaco was small and exclusive. Small enough maybe you'd run into him or a mutual friend. Exclusive enough that his face was practically everywhere.

Maybe you were scared of the reminders of him or maybe you were scared of confrontation. Leaving his apartment in the middle of the night was a means for confrontation.

You were scared about what they would think. Here’s this rich and famous Formula 1 driver and this girl. Who even is she? What does she do? Is she using him? Those were all things you were used to seeing online by now. Though, if you were leaving maybe you weren’t used to it after all. It was all out of fear. Fear of judgment and fear of eventually losing him.

Even though you knew deep down you loved Charles, and that he’d be hurt, you loved him enough to leave him.