asteptowardyou

[asteptowardyou]

I should forgive him since I'm pretty and kindhearted.

Oh Mijoo, Run On

[asteptowardyou]

Abbott Elementary is so special to me as a young person who wants to be an educator one day and who feels immense responsibly to do it right and to do it well. I feel a deep love for Janine, Jacob, Gregory, Barbara, and Melissa. They are so special and so lovely and so caring. I love that. I love seeing caring and generous people who mess up and grow but remain loving to their absolute core. 

[asteptowardyou]

lying in bed wondering why everything’s going wrong while actively self sabotaging every aspect of my life

[asteptowardyou]

[asteptowardyou]

time is slippery these days. i keep waking up surprised by the date - that late? i haven't gotten used to the summer weather yet. i am holding my breath. i am hoping nobody notices i am scrambling. i am hoping it looks easy, an effortless plunge. i am so worried about not having time that i spend a lot of time frozen, trapped in indecision. if i never start anything, i can never really be behind in it, either.

i tell others - i just bit off more than i can chew.

i was raised: that's not an excuse. life handed me a wicker basket of spined and rotting goods and told me - here's too much to handle. others will just expect it out of you. now stop crying and get ready to chew.

[asteptowardyou]

Alright, just wanted to type out my thoughts on the first half of Dear.M before I start watching episode 7 in a bit. Overall, I don't find the romances enticing enough for them to be the main plot, except for Mok-jin and Young's possible romance. I do think Cha Min-ho makes for a good main character, and I enjoy watching the roommate dynamics, but there isn't enough time put into the leading characters to see them all as individuals.

Cha Min-ho is a sweetheart. There was that sense of, Huh? These girls are dumping this dude? when his unfortunate dating history is shown. But, really, anyone can be treated like a pushover, so I don't mind it. Seeing Min-ho already having a wedding fund for his sister truly made me tear up. That is incredibly considerate and thoughtful of him, and I think it showed off the core of his character the best. Min-ho is loyal. He is a good friend and a good brother. He’s good at what he does, and he’s overall a nice guy who is focused on getting his work done. 

I wish there were more time dedicated to Mok-jin and Young, because I think they're the most likable characters. I’m excited to see their romance unfold. I just love couples in which the guy is a bit out of his element. Mok-jin calling Young scary. Yes. This is exactly what I want. Mok-jin witnessing Young dumping someone and him trying to leave unnoticed with literally nothing to hide behind was so funny to me. Anyway, love them dearly <3. 

Let me talk about the love square. Now, I must premise this with the fact that I am a big fan of CLC, and Eunbin is one of my favorite members, so I obviously have a bias toward her and would have liked to see her more in the drama, but I don’t really care for Yang-hee. 

I can't tell if Min-ho is meant to be in love with Joo-ah already, but it seemed to me like he considered her truly just a friend until she started becoming interested in Joon. For one, I'm not one to like when romantic feelings begin with jealousy, but it's not super overdone here. Min-ho and Yang-hee going to the exhibit at the same time is a bit off-putting, but Min-ho isn't overly rude or jealous to the point of being obvious. My primary annoyance with romances stemming out of an initial jealousy is feeling like the romance should have begun on its own, not just because of a third party disrupting the dynamic, but with longtime childhood-to-adult friendships, I can understand why this could happen. Still, it’s just not my favorite way to see a friends-to-lovers story play out. Regardless of this, it bothers me that Joo-ah and Joon clearly have better romantic chemistry than Joo-ah and Min-ho. Joo-ah and Min-ho are incredibly comfortable with each other, but there isn’t really an underlying tension of potential romance in their interactions beforehand. There isn’t a sense of longing and yearning on either of their parts, or at least not enough to be convincing. 

Joon and Yang-hee’s characters are really not fleshed out enough for them to feel important. I do like Joon and Joo-ah’s chemistry, but the attempt at giving him this backstory of failing as a CEO’s son and having to settle for a lower-ranking school was, again, not convincing to me. Yang-hee doesn’t really have any nuance. She’s a rich, pretty girl who isn’t too worried about her future. Her indirect comment about Joo-ah being out of Min-ho's league was rude and unnecessary and honestly felt out of character. Even when she speaks about the “disadvantages” of having low-income students at their university, she doesn’t say it out of spite. She speaks objectively, even if her opinion is inherently hurtful toward Joo-ah and comes from her privileged socioeconomic level. All this goes to say that the set-up for what I assume will end in Min-ho and Joo-ah dating is not well-written in my opinion. There are moments that truly make me enjoy their friendship, like Joo-ah coming back to comfort him, and Min-ho standing between her and some guys from their dorm building who were glancing over at her in her bathrobe. However, this romance just falls short. 

The love triangle between Ji-min, Ha-neul, and Ro-sa is just so terribly annoying, and I felt like it consumed so much of the story. Ha-neul is worried about himself and his girlfriend. He's not peaking over at Ro-sa romantically at all. So, why is Ro-sa so dead set on going out with him? It has be her envy. Now, granted, Ha-neul is a nice and attractive guy, but Ro-sa's out here fighting with Ji-min like he's the creme of the crop, which he isn't. This comes down to Ro-sa trying to win one over Ji-min, which is so stupid. Ji-min is a genuine friend and truly celebrates Ro-sa’s wins, but Ro-sa can’t celebrate Ji-min’s wins because she trying to be the better of the two. What bothers me most about Ro-sa is that she’s throwing away the chance at a really great friendship with Ji-min. Who cares if you don’t have a boyfriend right now? You don’t need a boyfriend! In regards also to the older student harassing Ro-sa, it doesn’t excuse her behavior, but he needs to step away and leave her alone. 

I have not watched Love Playlist, so I don’t know Ji-min and Ha-neul’s story, but their relationship does not feel secure in Dear.M. The scene in which Ha-neul not knowing what he likes about Ji-min was uncomfortable to watch. They don’t seem to trust each other, and this only gets worse once Ji-min starts recognizing Ro-sa’s feelings for Ha-neul. I don’t understand why they’re not more transparent with one another. Ha-neul, I think, is just naive, and Ji-min feels like she shouldn’t be a burden to Ha-neul because of his father passing and him switching majors. They could be a great couple if they were more open about their issues. When Ji-min breaks up with Ha-neul, initially I thought, oh, it’s great that she recognizes her lack of trust and sees this as something she needs to work on to make this relationship work. Now, I think she should have given him a reason for breaking up with him. He deserved that much, because she made him feel like he was at fault, even if she said otherwise. Then, when she got to the dorm and started crying about him not trying to stop her ... I had to pause for a moment. Because why in the world did you say you wanted to break up if what you really wanted was to feel assured that he likes you, that he’d choose you over everyone else? Talk to him about this! Don’t leave him guessing what went wrong! Maybe I’m the naive one. Who knows? What I do know is that I don’t think people should be playing mind games with their partners. A genuine relationship should not crumble this easily.

[asteptowardyou]

Wow, Suspicious Partner tricked me. I thought I had it figured out, but the misdirects were set up so well. I really like the writing and the pacing. I wonder how long this will take to prove, though, because I'm not even half-way through the show, and the murderers have (presumably) been revealed to the watcher already.

[asteptowardyou]

Oh, I just remembered that Mijeong’s goal in the Liberation Club was to truly and fully like someone, and she is not only making that come true for herself but for Gu as well. Wow, I love them so dearly. To liberation for them both

[asteptowardyou]

listen

About Gu Jagyeong telling Mijeong that they will stop meeting if he has nothing more to say to her after ten or twenty sessions. I really love the implication here that, in the end, this condition will probably still lead them to a long relationship with each other, because of course he’ll continue to have more to say to her. And she’ll continue to listen. We, as humans, will always desire someone to listen to us wholeheartedly. We cannot go through life without processing the situations we live through, especially the ones that we didn’t enjoy or that didn’t go the way we had planned. If you have someone to listen to you and if that person understands how to properly respond to your ramblings, you’ll never grow tired of those conversations. You’ll always look for that shoulder to release your tension and to share your burdens. Gu was, and still is, that person who Mijeong felt comfortable enough with to voice her truest thoughts. She, in turn, is finally becoming that person for him as well. And she knows after having experienced that, after she started feeling lovable, that it is something so precious. It is a special bond that one will never truly grow tired of. She’s not worried of him leaving her, because once she let herself fall into the rhythm of talking to Gu, she didn’t want it to end. She’s let go of the anger of her past relationships, and she feels filled with love. Mijeong knows that she is being liberated, little by little, and Gu will be too, if he allows himself to be. 

[asteptowardyou]

Changhee has one of the oddest character arcs I have ever seen, because you would never have expected him to be relieved to have accidently walked into a course for funeral directing, realizing this is what he’s been called to. While I personally didn’t find him annoying at the beginning of the show, I know many viewers were not a fan of his complaining and rambling. I wouldn’t have expected him to be so genuine and introspective, but he is a new favorite character of mine. I think I understand a lot of his behavior as a middle child myself. I don’t think I’ve often seen stories with people in their 30s still figuring out their dream, because a lot of media portrays adults in their 30s either still chasing a seemingly impossible dream or giving up on a dream and learning to work a mundane job. Liberation from a mundane life is something I’ve seen before, but I’ve never seen it be tackled the way My Liberation Notes does. 

When we’re introduced to Changhee, the obsession we find is the car. The car that will reduce his commute time, end his dependence on public transportation, and give him more independence to date and travel. But a car isn’t really a dream. It’s more so something that would make his life more convenient and would allow him to use his time more intentionally. When Changhee starts realizing he doesn’t have a dream, I truly began to feel a certain kinship with his character, because a lot, if not all, of my motivation is driven solely by others, especially my family. I don’t have the desire to achieve something big. I want a peaceful and fulfilling life, doing something worthwhile, but I don't know what that looks like for me. That's not to say that I have never dreamed of a specific career or of how I want my adult life to play out, but now that I'm reaching the beginning of adulthood (and awkwardly shying away from it as best I can, honestly) I'm realizing that most of my dreams were facilitated inherently by others prompting me to find what I want to do. But I don’t yearn for a career. okay, not true, I so deeply want to be a good writer and have people find my writing interesting, but easier said than done. I want to exist and to exist joyfully. 

I really love this idea of Changhee saying his soul knows where he should be before his body does and so his body moves without him fully understanding it at first. I'm guessing Changhee is in his mid- to late-30s, and he's already been present for four deaths. Like his employee was telling him, why was he studying art so intently? That wouldn't make him a Seoul man, necessarily, although it is good to study and familiarize yourself with your new home. I had the sense that Changhee would eventually return to living outside of Seoul. Though, that's not what really matters right now. What matters is that he was at the right place at the right time, and he realized, oh yeah, this is the place I'm supposed to be. This is what I'm supposed to do. I'm able to comfort people, to help people pass peacefully. I know how to be with someone when they need it most. To just be present. In the moment. In those last moments when all you want is to not be alone. Changhee is filled with the realization that he does not run from or fear death. He’s willing to risk it all, risk his chance at financial success, to help Hyeoksu rest in assurance that he is there with him and will be with him till the end, to help him go peacefully, gently. It is so interesting, and as I said, so odd to think of looking back on his character, because it felt like he was too frustrated and unhealthily obsessed with things he didn’t have, but I think it’s fair to say that a lot of that was him going through the motions of having to adult and not feeling fulfilled with his life. It was hard for me to pinpoint what Changhee was seeking liberation from after he quit his job. Once we see him using Gu’s car, Changhee begins showing a gentleness to him, so I thought, well, he wants to be freed of that frustration and annoyance from his job, because it isn’t in his nature to be irritated. And there is definitely some truth to that. He did want to be liberated from that, and he was in the end. However, it’s more than that. It’s about ambition. I don’t think Changhee was actually ambitious, although he appeared to be. I think he forced himself to have ambitions because that’s what one does when you attempt to become independent. He’s just someone who inherently understands people well, which is very powerful, and he didn’t know before what to do with that. What he lacked was purpose. And as he’s said before, his legs led him to where he needed to be. Changhee is an incredibly interesting character, and I know I’ll continue pondering many of his lines from throughout the series as well as his unexpected arc. 

[asteptowardyou]

Going back to what Gijeong said before her and Taehun’s relationship officially began, is it good to be in a relationship that makes you anxious? Is it healthy? Definitely not. She’s constantly walking on eggshells with Taehun’s sister and daughter. I can understand waiting to get married in this situation; I really do understand why it’s reasonable. But her getting dismissed by his family is exhausting and frustrating. How exactly is this relationship benefitting her now? Does she still feel light? Does she still feel comforted by the mere fact that she has a partner? Because I know that would not be satisfying for me were I in a relationship like theirs. If his family were more loving and supportive, then it could work. But right now, it simply isn’t. And we see that physically with Gijeong cutting her hair. Again, going back to Gijeong’s original thoughts about love, does Taehun give his fullest to her? Although Gijeong desires to, is she giving him her fullest? It doesn’t seem like it. And, sure, they’re waiting for Yurim to become an adult, so there is inherently a condition to their relationship. But it doesn’t look like they even try to give each other their fullest while they’re together, Gijeong because she’s always a little bit on defense. But shouldn't Taehun be a little more active in this relationship? Shouldn’t he defend her right to be in his life? Now, I get that you can't control your siblings, but his sister is genuinely unreasonable. Gijeong shouldn’t have to deal with her rudeness just for wanting to be in Taehun’s life and genuinely trying to be nice to them.

Now, the scene with Gijeong’s widowed friend. It's very interesting to now bring up the idea of living alone, because it seems to be something Gijeong has never seriously considered for herself, or perhaps something she’s feared, to be an old maid. But there’s a lot of freedom, especially as a woman, to be single and think of yourself first and foremost. What is it about Taehun that makes her want to marry him? When we first saw the prospect of this couple, it felt like a freeing experience for both of them, but as I said it felt very temporary. Because chasing a feeling is never a good foundation. A feeling of peace and contentment that has now been disturbed. So what now?

shouldn’t you give each other the fullest?

“It’s okay. Just catch your breath.” “Catch your breath, just for a minute.” That moment, when Taehun smiles and Gijeong smiles back and nods at him encouragingly. They have something special, and it’s so sweet how freeing this relationship is for both of them. 

“She lets me relax. I don’t have to be super energetic and fun.” Taehun doesn’t need to be the strong father he feels he must be for his daughter. It’s funny, though, that it’s freeing to let go of that forced strength and energy when his goal is to stop being weak. But forcing something, putting on a strong face, it’s so draining. And the worst part about trying to be strong is not allowing yourself sufficient space and time to rest. She lets him breathe and really live in the moment. 

“It’s okay. I’m just happy to have someone I can text on Sunday morning like this.” 

“I don’t think I’ve ever felt this light.” “I don’t feel like bad-mouthing anyone. Since I’ve let go of that, I feel lighter than ever before. So that’s how heavy hatred is. I felt like something was dragging me down to the ground. But now, I feel like I can even fly.” Gijeong just feels tired of her routine. I realized that Gijeong feels lonely, even though she’s good at hiding it. Gijeong appears so self-assured that her yearning for a romantic companion doesn’t seem so significant. When she’s spoken about marriage and family before with her friend, it seemed like she mostly desired to be like other people her age, perhaps thinking she’s missing her chance at romance. But it isn’t really that she wants to have a typical family. She wants a partner, and seeing as she likes Taehun and wants to be in a relationship with him, I don’t think she actually cares about marriage and having children in the immediate future. Gijeong wants first and foremost to love on someone and feel loved, but she doesn’t want to overextend into Taehun’s life. Taehun is going to prioritize his daughter until she becomes an adult, and Gijeong clearly understands that and doesn’t want to feel burdened by their relationship. 

“Still just the feeling of having someone is enough for me.” Gijeong and Taehun both make each other feel light. They comfort each other, and that’s what they need at the moment.

[asteptowardyou]

"How's Changhee doing?"

*proceeds to show him having a breakdown*

[asteptowardyou]

The ending dedication of When the Weather is Fine is so sweet.

"That's what happiness is. It's something difficult. However you too, by just waking up in the morning and starting the day, by just living today silently, you are giving someone that hard-to-find happiness. You, someone we appreciate, someone whom we may not know, just by living fully somewhere, you are doing your best. We are thankful to you. Today as well, may you have a good night."

[asteptowardyou]

“One day Haewon said. About happiness. It's hard to recognize happiness by yourself sometimes. Even if you recognize it, it takes a lot of effort and ability to make it yours. That's right. We all strive to be happy. In order to get happiness you have to work hard and do your best and you can barely get it. It's not easy even if you're with me. Even if you have been working on it for quite a while, it is something which may not happen. But no one knows our future when you run like that without a break. If you make an effort, if you live on, I believe that day will arrive.”

[asteptowardyou]

I love you, but you let me down

After watching the beach scene a second time, I’ve been thinking about how Gijeong mentions that the five of them never traveled together because it was after their father loaned money to his sister and how this affected Mijeong. Mijeong is clearly a reflection of her father. She’s quiet. She’s not truly intimate with her family. She’s not one to get angry easily, but she does have a temper. (It’s still funny to me that she threw Changhee’s slipper right out the door.) She’s so used to closing off her desires and her frustrations, even her needs, to them. Before Gu, it seems the person she’s most honest with is Hyuna, as Changhee acknowledges in this episode. Mijeong asks her family for nothing. She’s learned to not depend on them and to fix her issues on her own. And, obviously, part of this is just personality. But perhaps it’s because, by the time she was born, her parents were working to earn their keep day-to-day. I think of Changhee saying she had to play with the village idiot as a kid. She probably didn’t get many chances to have just pure fun as a child, and sometimes one learns not to want things to avoid disappointment. 

But, really, Mijeong desires a lot. She desires a full life. She so desperately wants to feel alive, and it seems like she did not feel that growing up. Of the three, she’s the one to begin working on her days off at home without needing to be asked. She’s diligent the way she’s always seen her father be, but after episode 13, it’s shown that Jeho isn’t necessarily diligent because he wants to be. He trusted his sister and ended up having large financial losses and, thus, had to give up a lot of his freedom. The “car chase” scene showed that he still had that drive to let loose. 

I think Mijeong, being so similar to him, understands him most. When they are standing outside of the crematorium, she stands behind him quietly, watching, knowing he's allowing himself, finally, to tear up. To let go and let himself feel. Mijeong lived with the consequences of Jeho trusting his sister, seeing him hide behind a blank face, and, again, while I do think it’s partly due to her personality and nature, I think part of it must be a learned behavior built on lack of trust, not just in others. I must imagine that it is a huge blow to the ego to put your wholehearted trust in someone only to be let down. I should note that we meet Mijeong after being let down by her ex-boyfriend, although he had been paying off the loan himself. She not only grew up with the consequence of her father’s loss but is now having to deal with her own. She is so bogged down by the loan and by the loss of a partner, by that annoying feeling of guilt when she did nothing wrong. There’s little worse than knowing you should not feel the way you do.

[asteptowardyou]

While this episode dealt with the Yeom family grieving, it had a lot of happy and beautiful moments in it.

Duhwan and Junghoon laughing at meeting all the people the Yeom siblings have told them about at the funeral. Changhee talking about quitting his job. I thought it was interesting that although Changhee complains about his job and his coworker a lot throughout the drama, when we finally see him quit, it’s shown very simply and almost unclearly. He’s shown at the hospital with Hyuna’s friend instead of at work, but they don’t explain he’s quit until Gijeong says it out loud. I wondered why, and perhaps it is just like Changhee says that his soul knew it was time to quit.

“When you feel lonely, I hope you remember that Oh Duhwan is also feeling lonely somewhere. And this song is for us.” He’s the sweetest.

Changhee finally, finally gets a car. I actually laughed when Changhee told his father they need a car. It’s no longer about his dream, about being able to commute to Seoul more easily, or about making dating easier for him. There’s something special about traveling, escaping from your routine, and Changhee wants to experience that with his family. He knows they need it right now. 

Gijeong taking offense that her aunt wasn’t even considerate enough to cook something her father likes. The Yeom siblings caring more deeply about each other and their father.

The way they all look to the urn when Gijeong says, “I don’t even care if we’re family. I won’t see you again!” Although it’s a sad moment, it made me laugh because they all felt wrong to have that conversation in front of Hyesuk’s urn. Mijeong standing up to grip the urn, to comfort  and assure her mother.

It also made me a little happy to see Mijeong fight her coworker. It’s not about the affair. They are adults. They can do what they want. Mijeong is upset that (1) they have gotten her involved when it does not concern her in the slightest, and that (2) they were  flirting at her mother’s funeral. She had the right to be mad, because that is so rude and so wrong. At least have some courtesy, goodness.

Even Gijeong confronting Mijeong about taking out a loan and Changhee going on to defend her. Even though it’s an upsetting moment, they were open and honest with each other. They have not been a family that relies on each other well, and the first step to changing that is acknowledging it openly. 

The scene of them four in the car and at the beach together was so cathartic and is one of my favorites of the episode. There was a certain peace about it. Them saying and knowing that there’s no one else in the world who loves each of them like they love each other, because they are kin. The love between siblings and between parents and children. It is so special. And it’s not about being blood-related, not at all. It’s about the people who have known you nearly all, if not all, your life. The people with whom you share your earliest memories. Who share the same home as you. Who understand you. Who know you.

Let’s not even get started with the ending, because it had me giggling along with Mijeong and Gu. How dare they? But don’t you love seeing people laugh so freely with each other?

[asteptowardyou]

I was taken aback at the scene when Mijeong’s coworkers ask about her mother’s urn. They all are weirded out that her family took it home instead of to a columbarium, and one even asks if it’s illegal. Mijeong’s response: “How could we leave her somewhere else?” I’ve seen people keeping urns in their homes many times in Western media, so I didn’t necessarily find it odd when I saw it in the living room. It struck me the way Mijeong put it, though. How could they take Hyesuk’s ashes away from her home? From the place she spent most of her life? Where she raised her children? From the land she poured her blood, sweat, and tears into? It does not feel right to take her away from the land that it is so linked to her. 

But it’s not just that. It’s also the Yeom family wanting to feel connected to her, still, Mijeong especially. We see Mijeong sitting alone in the living room until the others have gone to bed, to look at her mother’s ashes privately. She wants a moment of just them two, together, without the distraction of the other three family members. I wonder why it was so important for Mijeong to look at the ashes. I think it would sadden me even more to look at the actual ashes than to look at the urn, but maybe, for Mijeong, she knows that the urn is something pretty to look at. She doesn’t want to look at the pretty container. She wants to see her mother, and what remains are the ashes. 

While before we barely, if at all, see Mijeong in the kitchen or living room when the family isn’t eating, now, she’ll sit on the floor just to be close to the urn, to spend time with her mother and to talk to her when she wants to. It’s so Mijeong. I don’t know how to explain it, but her method of coping with the loss of her mother is just unusual, because we don’t really see any particular change in behavior until she’s forced to confront. It’s difficult to see how Mijeong is grieving in comparison to Gijeong and Changhee, who are more expressive and allow themselves to cry when they need to. But I guess that Mijeong is the reflection of Jeho, who we only see tear up when waiting outside of the crematorium. Both are in deep pain but don’t know how or don’t want to show it outwardly. Like Hyuna said, Mijeong has to muster up the courage to cry, to admit her sadness and frustration. What makes her relationship with Gu special is the feeling and reassurance of trust and intimacy with someone to be honest. It seems like, to an extent, Jeho never even felt that way with Hyesuk. He doesn’t know how to be truly, fully intimate.