aspirationsoftheteenageyears

[aspirationsoftheteenageyears]

Premature Holiday Celebrations

24/10/2015 3:14am

It’s a pretty late entry today, mainly due to my sleepless nights and night-wonders around town looking for food in Mc Donald’s.

Exams can really drain someone, mentally and physically. I’m glad that the hsfy papers are done and dusted, it was a nice journey one which I don’t think I will miss particularly.

I do have to acknowledge that semester two was more challenging than first semester; I’m not sure whether that’s because of the added pressure of getting into medicine with good grades or the actual papers themselves were harder.

I feel like HUBS192 was more heavier content wise than HUBS191 however the content wasn’t much more complex, just less integrated than HUBS191, the labs were generally more interesting though.

HEAL192 wasn’t challenging in terms of context as long as you understand the general concepts. The exam may seem like a long one but as long as you keep pushing through, you’ll get through it easy.

BIOC192 exam was probably the one I dreaded the most; not because the concepts were extremely difficult to grasp, but because Annika pulled out so much more extra information which made the courses more understandable and intergrated but also made the course seem much more complex than it actually entails. 

D-10 till home time, have one more exam but celebrating early.

[aspirationsoftheteenageyears]

Time flies but you keep breaking its wings

29/09/15 11:00pm The interview for dentistry was alright, went as planned. The interviewers were really nice and friendly which was a bonus. One thing over and done with. Yay. Now all I can think about is finals. Even though lectures haven't finished yet, I feel like I won't have enough time to revise the semester's worth of content. I feel like I'm starting to overwork myself but I haven't had the time to have the lazy youtube sprees. Everything's nitty gritty, you have to know the content inside-out, front to back. Every second counts. Happy studying. D-17 till first exam.

[aspirationsoftheteenageyears]

Boredom, Laziness & Desperation

20/09/15 11:27pm There's always days where you feel unexplanably lazy. Today was one of those days. That feeling when you want to treat yourself with mindless tv programs and lie in bed for the majority of the day except for the odd food run. It's not like I wasn't productive... I just could've been more productive. But I feel like it's the last time to treat myself to a proper Sunday because the next one won't be in a long while. Still have a HUBS terms next week. Study study study, more more more. D-25 till first exam

[aspirationsoftheteenageyears]

Reflections

18/09/15 9:30 pm 

I haven’t posted in a long time, probably because I have been avoiding it. Also because this semester has felt to me like it’s been more full-on than last semester. Everyone expects you to know what’s up and they no longer usher you into things.

I just had my HEAL second terms test, and I do have to say, most of the tests this semester so far, BIOC is probably the only one I can say I’m confident in. And I’m still waiting on those results to testify whether I’m right or wrong.

UMAT results came out yesterday, but I didn’t check it until the test I just had. It’s not bad, nor good, it’s about average. But with my GPA it shouldn’t be too far of a stretch to get into medicine. That doesn’t mean that I won’t have to stretch out my GPA for it. 

I’m not stressed I tell myself, although I have to achieve better results than I did last semester to guarantee my spot in the professional course I want. 

Goal-changing to aiming for ‘high-end’ A+.

Even though that’s a bit difficult with the terms results that I have with some of my current papers.

D-27 till first exam

[aspirationsoftheteenageyears]

New Directions?

13/08/15 11:55pm

1000th day went smoothly. But of course with euphoria comes dysphoria. We’re puting our relationship on hold for a while. Isn’t that nice, following 1000 days.

But in all honesty I need it. I feel like I’m slipping under the pressure, or the lack of it. The lack of spontaneity and change from day to day. Like a machine I keep inhaling study-material. Everyday just blends into a mess. I’ll be updating daily these days since I won’t have a boyfriend to talk to at the late hour of the night. Which is probably a good thing since I haven’t been turning up to 8am lectures and I keep falling asleep lectures.

I haven’t been giving myself enough alone time to appreciate myself, that’s why I’m crumbling.

15% HEAL test tomorrow. What could go wrong.

[aspirationsoftheteenageyears]

02/08/15 11:41am 100+ roses for my bf for the 12th, still 10 more days. So excited but I can’t tell anyone. Ultimate procrastination for stats and hubs tests.

[aspirationsoftheteenageyears]

Confused?

18/07/15 12:47pm I can safely say that currently not suicidal. I'm still not entirely happy with my life, but I can laugh, with strangers not with friends. With friends I become secluded and anonymous, I barely open my mouth and when I do, it's to feed my body. Not to feed my hunger, there is no hunger. Why do I still have friends? Because I don't want to curl up into a suicidal mess on my bed, drugged and on the verge of passing out. My room, that was so torturous for me to stay in with all the tools I could use to hurt myself is now a safe haven for me. A place where I can be expressive. A place where I can explore my identity without thinking other people are judging me. A place where I can cry to sleep and not have to worry about how I look in the morning. A place where I don't have to hope for someone's attention because I have myself. And that's what's important to me.

[aspirationsoftheteenageyears]

She Says

16/7/15 11:32pm Kill yourself, she says. Even if people still love you, they actually wouldn't mind the discontinuation of your existance, she says. Stop breathing, she says. Even if people notice you, you're still a stranger, she says. Overdose, she says. But don't damage yourself, she says. Run away, she says. What about your family, she says. Cry to sleep, she says, What about yourself, she says. What do you live for? They say. You're blessed, they say. I know what you're going through, they say. You're stronger than this, they say. Can you stop thinking about death? They say. Silence, please. I beg. Whether it be in pain, sleep, sedation. Give me some peace. I would like to rest.

[aspirationsoftheteenageyears]

No

14/07/15 6:28pm You know something's wrong when you start obsessing over death; the methods, the consequences. The horrible limbo between living and being alive. Because there is no distinction. You start wondering what your friends would think after your suicide. You start wondering the shame that your family would have. You wonder about the tiny fortune you've earned, and who's tainted hands it would land on after your departure. That's why you aren't allowed to escape. You're not allowed to die. Like everything in life, you're not allowed.

[aspirationsoftheteenageyears]

Hollow

13/07/15 5:02pm I haven't posted in about an month. Semester one ended with a bang, A+ all the way round. But somehow, I'm hollow. I'm not disapponted in my result. I enjoy what I do for life, but not life. The fact that there are others worse than I am means that I have no reason to feel the way I do. My close friend and boyfriend are not as fortunate as me, yet I feel worse than them. Perhaps it's a subjective look on them, perhaps it's the fear that they will not live their dreams and diverge from my live. I have no idea what has consumed me. I know it isn't good. Hope I recover.

[aspirationsoftheteenageyears]

Holidays

19/06/15 10:45pm I was going to stop blogging because I accidentally deleted an entry on the night of my arrival in Auckland. But here I am again, reporting for duty. I find that these holidays are more like a study-break than a break from study. The goal is to familiarise myself with umat, also since people warned that next semester is even harder I'm stressed about that too. I'm not too sure about which 8th paper I'm going to take, stats is leaning towards my preferences. Thoughfood: if everything we do is learnt from others, are we just a combination of other people?

[aspirationsoftheteenageyears]

Semester one finished

13/06/15 3:51pm I finished my last exam yesterday, overall I would say that I did as well as I had hoped for. But now that I don't have to study 24/7, I'm unsure what to do... I know umat is in about one and a half months, but I don't feel like umating. I realised that ever since my first university test, it's been a series of how many days left till the next test/exam. With my current countdown, 2 more days till flying home, it's hard to think about anything else than just to return to the familiar environment that I've been yearning. Especially with my friends all gone to their hometowns, the wait is excruciatingly long.

[aspirationsoftheteenageyears]

Half-way There

6/06/15 11:57pm

After finishing CELS191 & HUBS191 exams I am happier than I thought I would be. Obviously I didn’t epect myself to be in pieces on the floor in a soaking mess, I just didn’t expect myself to come out of the exam venue asking for more, or sitting in the exam room with a long time to spare, thinking I am living the last few hours of CELS191 & HUBS191 of my life.

It felt like a sad departure, not because the questions were particularly difficult. Don’t get me wrong, there were many that stretched me to the ends of my memory for me to answer, while others were mindless ‘duh’ questions.

I’ve still got the dreaded Chem191 on Wednesday with the reaction schemes that leave me dazing. Physics I’m not so worried about except for some PCC lectures. Getting distracted from studying, and feeling the weight of my friends pulling me down, each one of them falling under the stress, the pressure, pulling out of the dream into bed.

Reality has hit hard, people changing plans. But I stay true, whether I am stubborn or determinated, we’ll see.

Aiming for the A+ (over 90%). Aiming for med. Aiming for the dream. Aiming so high that I can’t fall. I will soar.

[aspirationsoftheteenageyears]

Night before first exam

3/6/15 10:50pm First ever uni exam is tomorrow morning. I can't believe I'm here already. I'm not stressed, but I probably will be after the exam. I've been thinking about the holidays, started packing while memorizing some concepts... I want this to be over, but I don't at the same time because I don't know what's coming for me. Writing about this is stressing me out. Just a short one tonight, need to sleep early. Will give some feedback after my exam or prior to my next one!

[aspirationsoftheteenageyears]

31/05/15 11:40 pm

Note to younger self: Don’t get yourself into a relationship. There is so much more to life than one person who could potentially crush you from inside out, simply by doing nothing.

[aspirationsoftheteenageyears]

Beauties of studying that are overlooked

[aspirationsoftheteenageyears]

8 More Days

26/05/15 11:42pm I haven't been social-media-ing since my previous post, since I have been basically living in the central library. Eating in the library. Studying in the library. Living and breathing in the library. I do feel more prepared than a week ago, and my hubs terms test results was definitely an indication that I was heading in the right direction. I think one thing that strikes me now is how much I have learnt in this short amount of time. The text books that seemed to incomprehensible to a brain-numbing degree at the beginning of the year has become something I have nearly mastered. I say nearly because I'm still a bit iffy on the details. All these people rummaging through the halls in their puffer jackets complaining about the cold weather are people that I've lived with for 14 weeks. We've grown together as hsfy students. All my lab partners, some of whom I really disliked in the first lab, I seem to be missing them already. Not knowing where they're heading off to next semester, and not really knowing 'who' they are. There goes my motivational spirit, captured it while it was fresh. Now time to sleep it off and get back into my exam-study regime.