asparrowonthewind-blog

[asparrowonthewind-blog]

Family Dinner

Family Dinner

Please bring tums… the main course is ANXIETY…

               My partner has decided to prospect into a local MC and since one of my side hustles in being a professional backpack I’m part of the packaged deal.  Now, as I’m currently on a journey to embrace my own interests and take back my sense of self, this opportunity for him also affords me a sense of freedom as it involves a lot of devotion on his part.  So, imagine my shock when he strode through the door and besmirched the purity of my month at a glance white bored with the emboldened words “Family Dinner” on every Tuesday.  

               “We eat dinner together every night…” I questioned trying to find the answer in the murky bog that was my pre-late afternoon snack haze swimming from assumption to assumption as I waded through junk food bucket.

               “Right, this is going to be with club family…” and when I tell you that it was like in the movies when the words slip out slowly, the voice deepening.  Well, you are going to have to remember I imagine most of my life through the lens of a Tex Avery cartoon.  Club family… CLUB family… CLUB FAMILY.  This means he was going to subject his little introverted pixie-goblin-nerd to… PEOPLE.

               Of course, I’m being dramatic, don’t worry I will peel myself from my fainting bench, but it did open an interesting thought pathway when it comes to relationships.  What is the healthy amount that one can expect a partner to integrate themselves when it comes to our own interests and independent hobbies?

               The gut reaction is that you don’t owe anyone your time, energy, or engagement, but hear me out.  When you enter a partnership, you make an agreement that the two of you are going to provide support to each other.  An exchange of encouragement, care and support is where most of us claim our relationships are birthed, but where is the line?  What happens if I really hate their hobbies?  What if I want nothing to do with their musical theater addiction?  What if they go to, and pause to clutch the pearls, conventions?  Ren faires? Sporting events? Am I expected to go to all these things?!

               No, but you do have to let them have their interests and be willing to be as flexible as you want them to be.  You are also responsible for boundaries and compromise.  Hey, you wanted this right?  Sure, it looked great at the time, you know when you were starting out before you knew all the things they did.  So, what do you do know that you guys are so very different?

               Well, if you’re me you abandon all your stuff and basically just do what they want to do until you resent them for it, cause that’s healthy and mature.  This is exactly the mindset that got me into the pickle I’m in now.  I want to show up and be supportive but also, I want a cheering section sometimes too.  I get told to go out and do what I need to do, but why does it always have to be alone? I go through life showing up, cheering on, moving planets all so the people I love have what they need to be content, but my bleachers are always empty.  I can’t make people care about things they don’t see value in, I can’t make them enjoy an event that makes them uncomfortable, so do I expect me to suck it up in the name of being a good partner…

               I know I need to say no, I know I need to do me, what I don’t know is how…

 *- I’m stressed, I’m a mess, and I’m doing my best -*

[asparrowonthewind-blog]

Messy Meditations

Messy Meditations

Winging it on a chaotic spiritual journey to the next coffee break…

               When did we all, as a species, decide to gather and proclaim that a vital part of the human existence is a desperate search for inner peace using the generic “spiritual journey.”  One moment you’re fondling a rose quartz tower at the cart in the now abandoned mall that wreaks of off brand Naga Champa, and the next you are a baby fawn stumbling through the dense wood of shadow work.  All the while a dooms day clock ticks above you demanding you to “heal” faster, evolve quicker, let go instantly, didn’t you know we are basically all high frequency vibrating drones now?  

               I can’t.  Yes, I stand here in the face of all the girl bosses, rise and grinders, armchair psychiatrists, gurus, “self-made” baddies, curated Instagram accounts, viral TikTokers and declare, I Sparrow Lovett, of stressed mind and below average bank account, can NOT. When did we decide that doing our best was not enough?  When did I relinquish my definition of what is “good enough” to the discretions of an aesthetic?  Is this the price of asking for help with “feeling better?”

               So now I’m here.  I’m nearly 38 years old and I feel like that sparking end of a drowning candle wick trying to do all the things that are going to “improve my life.”  My face is drowning in moisturizing serum, I have 2 different lotions for my body and a strict regimen for mouth wash.  My diet fluctuates from a devoted raw veggie enthusiast to oh my god it’s fried sugar!  I’m desperately clawing at the last shred of my socially acceptable youth while trying to age with grace before I am banished to my crone chapters. I am treated as an infant and an elder in a world I was promised but never inherited, and frankly I’m tired.

               This is my stand, here in this pre apocalyptic hell-scape, I make my mark and say, “5 more min please.”  We are all just trying to survive to the next break, aren’t we? Yes, I am going to be a good consumer and buy the face wash, and I’ll repeat my positive phrases while I scrub it on too but, I’m also going to stop not letting each little thing affect me. I’m going to cry at beautiful films, hell I’m going watch beautiful films more.  I am going to walk at night for my health, even if sometimes it’s just to the gelato shop.  I am not a gremlin, goblin, feral raccoon.  I am not a lucky girl, and I don’t glow up.  I am a mess but I’m doing my best and somehow that’s okay.  I will keep these little embers radiating with a flare or two of passion here and there.  I am undefeatable, I am sometimes disagreeable, I am forever fighting for my place in this garden… I am a tomato plant.  Side note I am a lot of things…

               I could now impart upon you with some glorious plan on how I shall set out to live my life as my “best self” and fill every moment with “that human” energy, I could, but I honestly don’t want to.  There is no plan, no 20-point routine or schedule to fail. Instead, I want to live my life with a few simple principles and see what sticks, so let’s toss the spaghetti!

Here are the things I will ask myself in the morning as I wash my face and think through my day:

1.       What small thing can I do today to make things in my home more pleasant?

2.       What small thing can I do for myself that will elevate my mood?

3.       What is one small change I will make to correct my negative habits?

            I’m sure there are quite a few more things I will ask myself while I get ready, I mean it takes like 20 minutes to scrub the sleep off so it’s not like I don’t have time. Still, I want to keep it short and sweet but, most importantly painless.  

In the same fashion I will ask these at night before bed:

1.       What went well today and what actions can I take to keep the good things flowing?

2.       What didn’t work and what can I do on my part the next time?

3.       What is one thing I am looking forward to?

It is my hope that while my life is a mess these simple meditations will help me create my own organized chaos.

 *- I’m stressed, I’m a mess, and I’m doing my best -*

[asparrowonthewind-blog]

It's the small victories...

I did manage to get through 25oz of water at work today... So theres that... *finger guns*

[asparrowonthewind-blog]

The hardest part of life is living...

So here I am on day one of trying to "get it together" for what it feels if the billionth time.  Is there ever a first step that doesn't feel like a cement shoe?! Good lord...  How am I supposed to "live, laugh, love" my way into being "that gurl" while working a full time job, being a full time mom, and a full time passenger princess... errr, i mean partner.  In the word of the throw away midwestern character on family guy "there is no waaaay..."  It's days like this where I feel that one of those Dr Octopus rigs would be a god send. The hardest lesson I've had to learn is "if you want it, then go get it."  I can guarantee you that there are at least 3 hours in each day where I do absolutely nothing and to be honest I love those 3 hours but they are definitely not fulfilling.  While it's easy to write them off as "self care" or "recharging," it may be better for me to call them what they are, "lazy time."  That needs to be the first thing that changes.  I need to encourage an actual productive schedule that provides for the many facets of who I want to be. I feel like this is why I need a goal driven plan of attack to maximize my days as I work to building the life that I deserve.   It's not about an incentive, it has to be working for the things I want that can not be purchased.  I have absolutely no control will always buy myself the gift before the work.  I think I need to sit with myself this weekend and work through how this plan is supposed to work...

[asparrowonthewind-blog]

The Journey Begins

"This is your life… And it's ending one moment at a time…"

-Chuck Palunik, Fight Club

960 days... Thats all that remains of my beloved 30's. It's been an amazing journey over firey coals, to the bottom of pits where the sun is nothing but a rumor, bathed in cool bubbles of sea foam rushing up to greet a tired soul. Now here we are, less than 1000 days until I surrender to another season of my life, one that I do not wish to go into quietly. I will go screaming, face contorted into a firce battle mask that grasps tightly at the fears of those that would wish me harm. I will not allow life to gently blow out my candle, nor will my flame be snuffed in a pool of wax. I will stride in, head high, clad in full battle dress, a conqueror.

This is my journey to become the strongest, healthiest, most successful version of myself in the next 960 days.