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Insiders thought

There are a few things I just want to really let it out there. One of the few things is when it comes to pursuing my career. I am about to finish school and I am super stoked about it, because as much I enjoy learning the stuff for data analytics. I am physically burned out and tired. I’d like to be able to rest, relax and recuperate all my energy to my career. I wish I had more time and motivation for the class. I do to an extent. I am always tired. 

Anyways, moving on to my career -- Derek (my manager) extended my contract, which is great! I am super thankful, because I get to stay in Google longer. Now this is the part where i need to look at the cards I have on my deck. I was very fortunate enough to have network with someone @ Google who has been there 17 years and she’s willing to help me find opportunities. That being said, I am somewhat in a pickle because: I could wait for an opening for SSA, which is my current role at the moment. It may be in a different team, but it’s okay, because I am really good at this job and I know I have the right skills necessary to do well on the interview. I would say this is more the safety route. The other route is pursuing a diff career. It’s gonna be more technical heavy, but its within the route of my career that I def want to go on. The part that I am scared about is -- what if I don’t have enough time to master the skills necessary and what I mean by that is the skills that’s needed for the interview both tech and non-tech. Should I just wait a couple more months before I go for the role? OR should I go for it now? The good thing about me meeting that lady is that she actually works for non-profit that needs help with data work and I am so excited because she said I can volunteer, so I def want to help out and do that. 

I just wanted to kinda write about what’s been on my head lately. I don’t want to fail. However, failure is inevitable. What matters is how I go about the shortcomings. 

I know I will be okay.  

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I love scandal sm.

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Small update

The liberating feeling of not wanting to be with anyone is one of the best feelings at the moment. I have the tendency of wanting to feel wanted and wanting more. I just want to feel loved because I feel like I deserve that and we all do. The problem is that I let my loneliness dictate my whole life. I try my best to go and find someone and implement them in my busy life, when the truth is I really don’t have time for that whatsoever and that’s okay. It’s not the end of the world if I’m single, but I need to remind myself that. Today or this week actually -- I was feeling a bit weak and unmotivated. Honestly, I need to work on my being more diligent and having a better time schedule.

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Leaving behind

I want to work on leaving behind people that doesn’t really help me become a better person. It’s not about “oh, using people to get what I want” type of thing. It’s more like I don’t want to waste anymore time on people that constantly stresses me out. I know I won’t be able to help when drama arises in my life. However, I feel like that this would help me a lot. I don’t want to stress over people anymore. I know that no one is perfect so my friends and family will stress me out and will have disagreements with me and that’s totally okay. Aside from that, I want to keep that circle close. However, this will not stop me from being inclusive and making friends along the way. I just want to be more cautious on how I go on with my life.

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No Undos

No more repeats for 2019. 

No more going back and lingering back to the past. I think if there’s something I learned is that you can’t really grow and learn if you’re still holding on in small ways. 

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Rando, yet concise

Simpler times. As I get older (speaking as if I’m super old. Haha), I feel like life become simple and serious -- in a good way, of course. Just reflecting on how my life was a year ago to now, I am so thankful, blessed and surprise to see how far I’ve come. I feel like I have more time to learn and be a better a version of me. And honestly that is what is truly matters at the end of the day. I can be such an asshole, heartless, rude, etc, but I still want to be a better version of me. I know life will throw more curve balls at me and it won’t simple. As always, I will either be resourceful or figure it out with wit and experience. I want to make it count as much as I can. People may say, “Oh you’re gonna exhaust yourself” but it makes me feel joyful which in the long run -- happiness.

I wanted to rant before I go to bed and why not. It helps me relax. Gnight. 

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You should never hate anyone, even your worst enemies. Everyone has something good about them. You have to find the redeeming quality and love the person for that.

Jeannette Walls, The Glass Castle 

I think whenever I am so angry at someone -- I need to always think about this quote. It’s a good way to go about things in life.

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I love, LOVE my adings. So so so much. Big time, I do and I would do anything for them.

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The “do over”

Okay, so I rewatched “Awkward.” last night and it honestly gave me all the feels. But I realized there’s no reason to really re-live those moments you know?No need to get all sad about watching some episode, because Jenna was being dumb and didn’t love herself enough to make others love her. But then I watched the scene if she was re-do things to “fix” it to see what would have been her fate. That being said, I was interested in writing about it, because why not?

Disclaimer: there is nothing I would change now. I am happy and content where things are at. I just wanted to really write about it.

Erienne:

I should have just ended it right away and be more transparent about how I feel. Then when we got to Haas, I should have just avoided you and got space.

Bryan:

I should handled myself better in terms of my emotions. I should have checked myself, stood up more with how I feel with things I wasn’t okay with. I should had been more communicative and transparent with my feelings. I wouldn’t stop myself from getting hurt, because that really shaped me to be the person I am today. I am however should have handled the afterwards better. I should have gotten the space I needed and healed myself. 

Kevin:

I shouldn’t have dated you while coping with this heartache hoping it’ll be a bandaid that would just cover it. I should waited until I am ready. I also should have blocked you over everything after we broke up and talked 8-12 months later. 

With me,

I wish I took my academics more seriously when I was in Cal. I wouldn’t be in the shit hole today, but that’s okay. 

But you know, I wouldn’t want to change a single thing here because I am honestly happy where I am with life. There are bumps along the way, but they help me a lot to be the better I am today. Things are never as bad as they seem. 

I just gotta keep going. 

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NYWY

It’s been awhile since I’ve had the chance to sit down and write about how life is going. Things are not as complicated as it should used to be. Work is not bad. I’m actually good at my job (or so I think). But I am -- I don’t think it mentally challenges me enough how I’d want it to be. Also, it’s not very full-filling. I still have a vision of myself changing the world in both small and big ways. I start the bootcamp in exactly 16 days and I’m gonna start shifting my focus to that instead of my social life. I gotta give it a 101% here more than ever. 

As far as my love life -- I have a human here in NY. Wilson is great. I admire where we both are in life. He’s well-driven both academically and career wise. He’s funny, sweet, adventurous, but also a home-body. One of my favorite memory with him is when he flew down from NY @ SJ and we watched trailer movies in his hotel room before we fell asleep. Anywho, I don’t have the expectation that I’m gonna end up with Wilson. I like him and that’s about it. He’s not my priority and I’m not his. However, I deeply care about him whether I end up with him or not. In the past, I often give it my all to the person I like/dating. I never really took the time to see whether I am actually ready to be in a relationship or not. To be honest, during those times when I had the Bryan and Kevin phase. I really wasn’t ready. I loved Bryan and I loved Kevin too, but I wasn’t near ready let alone emotionally stable to really love them as a whole. Often times, I always write about these people as if they have wronged me, not loving me enough, not knowing what they wanted from me -- putting myself in a victim myself. Yet, I never really checked myself about my ups and downs as a person. I still have some growing up and learning to do fully give myself to someone again. Before, I was scared whether or not  am I ever gonna have the courage to love again; however -- I realized that I can and will love that person even more than I ever loved. I can’t wait. Whether that is Wilson or not, I know it will happen. If me and Wilson work out, I would be happy, but if we don’t -- I would still be happy. I admire this human being. I learned a couple things from this and I know I’m not done. 

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Summer thing

Summer was great honestly. I finished with undergrad and got employed to Google and on top of that I was consistently going on dates with this guy name, Wilson. I really enjoyed spending time and seeing him this past summer. I actually plan on seeing him this November and  I might possibly spend thanksgiving weekend with him at Austin, which I look forward to. Now I am officially working on how to better and further my career. 

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My snake slytherin line // KAPA Paamily

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I love these two big time. They’re practically my adings too // kuya duties

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I’m thankful that we’re friends again. It’s crazy to think how things were then and how we were both able to grow up. We will probably butt heads all the way to the grave, but I know I can always count on you when I need you.

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I’m gonna miss these two so much. Thank you for making my senior year worth while. I’ll forever be grateful for the bond we all have. SIBGOALZ5EVER

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I’m a sucker for rooftop bars, conversations about life, one’s passion, dream, etc, as well as good music (if possible). I’m gonna miss spending Friday night’s with Wilson. I’m glad he’s transparent about his feelings and such. But timing is everything after all. I’m still thankful regardless, because it was a fun ride after all. 

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Boomerang

I don’t know about you, but when I have feelings for someone whether they are strong or not -- once I am over them, I am done. I don’t mean this in a negative way either. Simply, based on the past, I never really went back. With Yvonne, Erienne, or Bryan, like once I was over them -- I tried to really think about my feelings for them whether they will come back and they really don’t. I like to think that’s a good ting. I really wouldn’t know how to deal with having to go back and forth. 

The reason I brought it up, because I’m not fully over Kevin just yet and that’s okay. I can’t wait to be over him and have a good relationship with him as friends. He’s honestly a great person despite of what had happen to us. I was the guy and I think still is the guy he goes running to when something bad happens. We have that friend that gives us comfort on our darkest times. I’m glad I can be that person for Kevin.