aroace-thoughts

[aroace-thoughts]

You know, as frustrating as aro discourse existing in 2024 is, it's kinda made me think of stuff.

Primarily, how seeing some non-aspec people's responses to aromanticism really highlight how some just don't understand or don't try to understand what the aromantic experience is like.

It's easy to brush off aromantics. It's easy for them to say "oh but you're straight-passing anyway" and then say that there's no reason for aromantics to cling to the lgbtq+ community—to cling to any community at all.

But you know? I feel like what a lot of non-aspecs don't get is just how fucking alienating being aspec is.

Hell, before I even identified as aromantic, I just felt so disconnected from society because I couldn't fall in love. I remember just feeling something was so wrong about me because everyone was talking about falling in love and having crushes and the media everywhere says you need to find The One and get married and that romance is a requirement for a happily ever after. And it’s not like I didn't know gay people existed! I knew! Because I tried to check if I was gay or bi or pan—I tried so hard to get attracted to people, and I just never did.

There's just that specific feeling of loneliness... wondering if somehow you were broken in some way. And that fear of thinking you'll never be happy because society promotes the idea that romance is True Love. That it is the best relationship you can have in your life. That you will never get a happy ending and that you will die alone.

Discovering that aromanticism is a thing made me feel normal. It told me I'm not broken—that other people like me existed. And that's why the community is important to me. Because the feeling of thinking something is wrong with you is something I don't want others to feel. The more people know and discuss aromanticism, the less people have to experience the negative emotions that I and other aromantics felt.

And aromanticism just doesn't feel alienating in the cishetallo society. It's can be so fucking isolating being in the lgbtq+ community too. Th

Because this is a place that's supposed to accept anybody who diverges from the societal norm of cishetallo. But no, we're either rejected, excluded, or treated invisible. People don't bother to listen to aspec experiences. People would say they support aspec people but then turn around and spout aphobic rhetoric.

So then this ngl, it's honestly kinda predictable that this discourse pops up and people go "oh aspec people are queer but—" NO BUTS! Aspec people are queer. Cishetaro and cishetaces are queer. No ifs and buts.

Why is the aspec identity inherently considered less priority than the cishet identity? Aspec isn't some secondary label—it's a part of who we are. An aromantic heterosexual still diverges from the norm. They have experiences that heteroromantic heterosexuals would never understand. They are still hit with amatonormativity and heteronormativity.

And at that point, yeah, I get it. Those arophobes probably think it's easy to ignore being aromantic in day-to-day life. I've seen people assume we just put on the label, then don't have society tell us we're wrong for being who we are. That we don't need a community.

To that, I say: listen to aromantic people. Listen to their experiences. Try to understand what it's like to live in our shoes.

But also—queerness isn't about oppression. The lgbtq+ community exists so people who aren't part of the "normal" in regards to gender and sexuality can find a safe space. So that people wouldn't feel alone and broken and realize that there's more people like them than they think. So that we can break these societal norms that just harm all of us.

Basically, my god, shut up. We're queer, we're here, and we're aromantic.

[aroace-thoughts]

aspec terms for beginners!

since it's trending right now, i feel like it might be helpful to clear up some basic aspec (but particularly aromantic, as we are the center of attention currently) terms. if you have absolutely any questions, i would be happy to answer, either in the replies, dms, or my inbox!

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the split attraction model (SAM): a model of human behavior that posits that, for some people, romantic and sexual attraction are not the same.

[most often this will come in the form of someone being aspec on one axis and allo (not aspec) on another. for example, a biromantic asexual may be romantically attracted to two or more genders, but sexually attracted to none. some people may even use SAM for allo identities– a bisexual lesbian may be sexually attracted to multiple genders, but only romantically attracted to women (note that this is not the only way that someone can be an mspec lesbian, just one way!). the SAM does not apply to everybody, not even all aspecs! there are non-SAM aros, for instance, who do not differentiate their aromanticism from their sexuality.]

aspec: a collection of queer spectrums centered around the lack of a certain attraction or identity. the most common spectrums under the aspec umbrella are asexual, aromantic, agender, and aplatonic, though there are many other ways to be aspec.

asexual: experiencing little to no sexual attraction.

[aces can still have sex– whether its because they experience some amount of sexual attraction or they just want to participate in sex because they find the act appealing in some other way. that being said, there are still plenty of aces who have not and will never have sex. it is a spectrum.]

aromantic: experiencing little to no romantic attraction.

[aros can still have romantic partners– whether its because they experience some amount of romantic attraction or they just find relationships appealing in some other way. that being said, there are still plenty of aros who have not and will never be in a romantic relationship. it is a spectrum.]

agender: having no gender or little relation to any gender.

aplatonic: experiencing little to no platonic attraction.

[similarly to aros and aces, apls can still form friendships if they so desire– whether its because they experience some amount of platonic attraction or they find friendships appealing in some other way.]

aroallo: combination of aromantic and allosexual– allosexual being someone who fully experiences sexual attraction. an aroallo, then, is someone who is aromantic but not asexual. aroallos often do not have a standard relationship with sex due to its romantic connotations and the stigma against loveless sex. someone having sex with someone else they do not love does not inherently make them aroallo, much in the same way that having a nonsexual relationship with a partner doesn't inherently make either participant asexual.

aroace: someone who is both aromantic and asexual. because aro and ace are both spectrums, an aroace may still experience some amount of attraction on either or both of those spectrums, or they may experience attraction of some other kind (platonic, tertiary, etc.), and that attraction may be only for a certain gender or genders– these are known as oriented aroaces.

queerplatonic relationship: a type of relationship that is defined only by the people within it. i have a post dedicated to explaining this in larger detail.

partnering: an aspec (usually aromantic) person who has and/or desires to have a partnership or multiple partnerships– romantic, queerplatonic, or otherwise.

non-partnering: an aspec (usually aromantic) person who has no desire to form a partnership of any kind.

romance/sex/plato favorable: an aspec who desires or would not reject a romantic, sexual, or platonic relationship. they are also generally not particularly bothered by seeing these relationships in their day-to-day.

romance/sex/plato repulsed: an aspec who does not desire a romantic, sexual, or platonic relationship and generally does not like seeing those relationships in their day-to-day. [x] repulsed people are not necessarily judgemental towards people who desire or participate in those relationships, they just do not desire them for themselves. repulsion often takes the form of discomfort or annoyance. [x] repulsed people are not necessarily cruel sticks-in-the-mud– they are perfectly capable of being respectful, and they very often are. repulsion does not always stem from trauma, though it certainly can.

romance/sex/plato positive: not to be confused with favorability, [x] positivity is the belief that romance, sex, and platonic relationships are human rights that should be supported and uplifted. someone can be [x] repulsed and [x] positive at the same time, because favorability/repulsion revolves around the self, and positivity/negativity extends to others.

sex/romance/plato negative: not to be confused with repulsion, [x] negativity is an inherently judgemental and harmful ideology. most commonly in the form of sex negativity, these ideologies are centered around the opposition to or personal judgement of people who engage in romance, sex, or platonic relationships. sex negativity in particular is embedded in western white supremacist societies and it is important for aspecs not to play into that.

those are the basics, but i have more information below the cut!

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> how are aspecs queer?

aspecs are queer because "queer" does not only mean LGBT. queer theory is about far more than just LGBT people– though they are undeniably a large part of it– queerness is any subversion of the traditional cisheteronormative standard. this includes things that cishets may take part in/identify with, because you do not have to be LGBT to subvert those standards. cishets who are gender-nonconforming are queer, for example. a good rule of thumb is that if you have to explain what you whole deal is to cishets, you're queer. queer does mean strange, after all.

traditional cisheteronormative conceptions of attraction, gender, and relationships do not account for aspecs. it is expected that everyone will one day form a traditional partnership with one other person, and that relationship will include sex (even if only for procreation, under some dogmas). virginity past a certain age is seen as a point of shame and something indicative of a larger problem in someone– in men, a red flag even. people past 30 without a relationship are pitied. our economic structure is build for couples and families– it's near impossible for someone to live comfortably alone. romance, friendship, and love are placed on a pedestal, treated as the meaning of life, the best thing anyone could ever experience. "love is the point of everything," as many posts on this site like to claim. people who reject these ideas are undeniably queer.

> i can get behind aros and aces, but the whole "aplatonic" thing feels like a stretch to me. how is not having friends queer? "platonic attraction" isn't even real.

aplatonicism is more than just "not having friends," and many apls have friends anyway, much in the same way that aros can date and aces can have sex. someone who does not have friends is not inherently aplatonic, they only are if they identify that little-to-no platonic attraction in themselves and choose to label themselves that way (just like how virgins aren't inherently asexual). still, apls who don't have friends exist, and they are all queer. what is a greater subversion of traditional cisheteronormative relationship structures than an outright rejection of what's seen as the most basic, fundamental relationship our culture has to offer?

you may not feel that platonic attraction is a distinct phenomenon in your own experience, and that's fine! ultimately, a lot of aspec terms exist for the utility and comfort of aspecs themselves. the SAM isn't for everyone, and platonic attraction isn't for everyone either. you do not have the authority to tell people what their own experiences are, nor should you care.

> i think it's sad that you're limiting yourself with these labels. you'll find someone one day!

for the broad majority of aspecs, our identities are not self-disciplinary, nor are they necessarily permanent. all queer people are capable of misunderstanding their identity or having a fluid identity– it is not a problem unique to being aspec. that being said, a lot of us may always be aspec and completely happy with it. being aspec is not a tragedy. the only thing i don't like about being aromantic is the judgement i receive from other people about it. non-partnering aspecs are not "missing out" on anything, because we don't even want the things we're rejecting in the first place. many of us are romance/sex/plato repulsed and are far more happy engaging with the world and with other people in different ways, because there is so, so much more to life than relationships, and it's wrong to presume that relationships are universally fit for everybody. telling an aspec that they'll find "the right person" one day is no different from telling a lesbian she'll find "the right man" one day. there is no "right person" for an aspec just as there's no "right man" for a lesbian. a lesbian is not "missing out" on a heterosexual relationship just because it's culturally perceived as superior and more fulfilling.

[disclaimer before anyone tries to do a "gotcha," i'm talking about a lesbian who is fully not attracted to men in any way. it's not like homophobes know the intricacies of gender identity and nonconformity as it pertains to homosexuality anyways.]

lastly, i wanna give a special shout out to the loveless aros and the relationship anarchists.

loveless aros are those who either feel little-to-no love as they understand it, or they are someone who supports the de-centering of love. they're worthy of a whole post of their own, but in summary: the loveless experience is all about finding joy in yourself and the countless things our world has to offer that are not dependent on the vague idea of love.

relationship anarchy is another concept worthy of its own post, but in essence it's an ideology aimed at abolishing the standard hierarchy of relationships (in the USA, depending on who you ask, its typically friendship < family < romantic partnership or friendship < romantic partnership < family) and allowing everyone the autonomy to define their relationships for themselves.

if i made any mistakes, let me know! and of course i'm willing to answer any questions anyone may have. :-3 thanks for reading my long ass post!

[aroace-thoughts]

As we head into the new year, just some reminders for myself and all my fellow ace and aro folks

You don’t owe anyone an explanation for your dating and/or sex life - the only thing that matters is that you are happy with the way your life and relationships work.

Your orientation is valid no matter what anyone says.

You’re beautiful and whole just the way you are.

Basically, please take care of yourselves. It’s good to set goals and challenges for the new year, but don’t forget to take time for yourself and your own needs too. Listen to yourself, believe your own feelings. You know yourself the best out of everyone.

Be kind.

[aroace-thoughts]

I’m not sure when exactly this happened, but I think it’s clear that the aro community really is a community, now.

For the longest time I’ve felt like we were still in stasis, not quite there; a proto-community, yes, but not quite a community. But we have more history now to lean back on, more of each other to talk to and laugh with and cry with and learn from. More people that’ll go forward and make a part of modern aro history. More people that believe us, believe in us, will stand with us if we ask them.

I wouldn’t consider myself an aro elder yet, though each year I’m surprised at how long aromanticism has been a part of my life, how long I’ve been free of doubt or insecurity about my aromanticism, how far we’ve come since I was questioning. Then again, when I was questioning, some of the people I looked up to for guidance were probably close to the age I am now, so I might be there sooner than I think.

And, I’m so so hopeful for all aros, young or old, new or not, because we’ve come so far. Day by day, progress is slow (and yes, it’s unfair, it should be so much faster), but looking back it feels fast. We are our own role models, the people we look up to for guidance. We carve our own path through life, making things up as we go. I used to find that terrifying, because I had no idea what the future would bring. But it’s actually amazing, because I can ignore all these silly “rules” and guidelines about what my life should be, and instead ask, “what do I want my life to be?”

Younger me, you have no idea how awesome your future is gonna be. I’m sorry about the pain and hardship you’ll go through first; it won’t be fair and you shouldn’t have to deal with it. But you’ll make it through, and one day you’ll be me. I can’t wait for you to get here.

[aroace-thoughts]

It’s okay to not want to have sex ever. It’s okay to never even try it.

[aroace-thoughts]

How many asexual/aromantic people do you reckon still think they “haven’t found the right person yet”

How many do you think thought that in all of human history

How many do you think forced themselves into relationships and whole marriages by thinking “this is how it’s supposed to go right? this is how I’m supposed to behave and this is how it’s supposed to feel? this is what I’m feeling right?”

and how many do you think wound up just thinking there was something wrong with them and wound up fucking miserable their whole lives

I hope there were some that didn’t. Some that found kinships of other types, maybe of others who felt the same way. Maybe just friends and family.

I know we’ve always been here. I know we’ve survived. It’s disheartening that we’ll never quite realize how many, but I hope cataloguing ourselves now will help others in the future not feel so alone.

[aroace-thoughts]

A label is a tool, you can use one that's not perfect but still does the job you need it to. If a label isn't helping you, you don't have to use it, even if it does describe your experiences.

[aroace-thoughts]

When a conversation becomes to alloromatic so you have to decide between leaving cus its making no sense, or staying to study the alloromatics like bugs

[aroace-thoughts]

A reflection on some complicated thoughts about being aroace in webweave form.

[aroace-thoughts]

apparently it is a universal experience for many gay, lesbian and bisexual people to google "am i gay quiz" so can arospec and acespec people confirm that searching "why don't i care about romantic relationships and sex?" or something like that was our own version of that? because that's how i stumbled upon the terms asexual and aromantic and felt incredibly happy when i found out there were other people like me

[aroace-thoughts]

Idk if you've heard of it but there's this children's book series called Pettersson and Findus where there's an old inventor guy who lives alone in the woods with his talking cat. I was recently reminiscing about the series and realised that old guy was like major aroace rep. Like in the first book his neighbour was over asking if he's not sad he doesn't have a wife and he said he was actually quite content without one and living on his own (the neighbour did gift him a cat though to keep him at least a bit of company). Idk just felt like sharing

OMG I had no idea these books existed, but that gives me all the warm feels tbh TwT I can't believe I'm saying this but it's kinda nuts that there aren't enough media out there telling kids that it's OK if later on in life they never end up married or in a couple-type relationship.

Thank you so much for sharing, this made my day <3

[aroace-thoughts]

Just a reminder: Questioning people are always welcome in the aspec community

Stay, have fun, learn, ask questions, this is a safe place to explore your labels!

I know everything can feel overwhelming.

Don’t feel bad if you end up discovering you are or aren’t aspec. There’s nothing wrong with deciding a label isn’t for you after all, either way you’re not wasting anyone’s time.

We’re here to give you resources and support and a listening ear!

Never forget that the Q in LGBTQIA+ stands for both queer and questioning 💜💚

[aroace-thoughts]

Psssssssssssssst! Disabled Ace Day is coming. Pass it on

[aroace-thoughts]

Happy Ace Week, everyone!! No matter where you are on the ace spectrum, you are celebrated this week! And if you are learning about asexuality, we hope that this week will prove helpful.

[image description: a purple square with the text "Happy Ace Week!! October 22nd-28th, 2023." There are illustrations of a rainbow in the asexuality pride flag colors (black, gray, white, purple) and a purple star character with a smiling face. The AVEN logo is in the lower left corner.]

[aroace-thoughts]

The new heartstopper update!! I’m so so happy

😭😭

Bless Alice Oseman, honestly, thank you for everything you’re doing for the community

[aroace-thoughts]

It’s National Coming Out Day so I hope everyone has had a gorgeous day

🖤🩶🤍💜

💚🤍🩶🖤

[aroace-thoughts]

aspec people and aphobes alike will often say something along the lines of "aspec people dont do anything." for the aphobe, this is followed by "so why the hell would you guys be oppressed?" for the aspec, "so why do people hate us so much?"

what both parties are missing here is that inaction is often radical. in the usa and similarly white supremecist countries, the culture requires you to carry out certain behaviors. when an individual doesnt perform these acts, it is seen as selfish, deviant, or uncivilized.

all bodies (with very few exceptions) grow hair. when a woman does not shave her body hair, she is not carrying out an action. she is inactive. still, she will be socially doomed for it. she will be deemed unsanitary, unladylike, and strange. the womans inaction resulted in social derision due to the capitalist patriarchal structure she lives under.

in an allonormative society, romantic/sexual inaction is social damnation as well. our society (usa and similar) is structured around the ideal of the nuclear family, around marriage, around pairing. married people enjoy benefits that single people do not. couples are much better equipped to have a roof over their heads. virgins and celibates are endlessly mocked. single people are always seen as being in a temporary state of singleness ("you'll find the right person one day!").

fascists don't demand inactivity. they demand activity that they approve of.