arieswrites2023

[arieswrites2023]

Entry 31

Today is Monday, July 8th, 2024, and it is 4am. As I am writing this, I am watching Grey's Anatomy on Netflix with my fiance Jason asleep beside me. I do not know Etsy else to write, other than that in this moment? I am completely and utterly happy. In this moment, nothing else matters. I could stay in this moment for the rest of my life. Because in this moment, I do not want to miss a thing.

A few hours earlier, around 1:30am, I got up because I was hungry and had pizza in the fridge I could reheat. Now, Jason got up and went to the kitchen with me because he needed some water anyway. But when I came back to the room after he had already gone back to bed, he asked me a question.

I had expected the question to something along the lines of: Do you think eating at this time will make you sick? What if it makes the heartburn worse? Or why did you not eat earlier? But none of those are anything close to what he asked me. Instead, he asked if I had only taken two out of the four slices i had put aside in the fridge.

I realized that at that moment, he did not care if I was eating at a late hour or that I was hungry because I did not eat earlier. No, his concern was whether or not inhad left myself anything to eat for lunch tomorrow while he was at work. This man keeps giving me more and more reasons to love him. And, every day, I love him more and more. This man is my life.

[arieswrites2023]

Entry 30

As of late, I have been finding myself growing more and more restless as the due date for the end of my pregnancy draws closer. It is getting harder to sleep, harder to stay hydrated, and my bladder always feels like it is going to explode. Not to mention how swollen and tender my breasts are. And they never stop leaking.

Just last night, I was so physically uncomfortable that I could not sleep. It was so frustrating. I only fell asleep around 5am because I was positively physically exhausted. I even slept until 1:30pm. But here is the downside: I woke up with high blood pressure and a strange headache. Today was the second day in a row that I have woken up with a headache and high blood pressure.

Yesterday was probably the worst for me, though. I snapped at Jason more than once. The first time, was about the chicken pot pie I had thrown in the oven for dinner. I made a comment on our way to get the mail that it smelled a little like grilled cheese. Jason said that it was not grilled cheese. I got annoyed very quickly because I obviously knew that. My response was unnecessarily rude: I know it is obviously not grilled cheese. You do not have to tell me that. I was only making a statement on what I thought it smelled like. I did not need to snap at him like that, and things only got worse from there.

When we came back into the apartment from getting the mail, I pulled the pot pie out of the oven, and sat down to check my mail while it cooled. This was where I snapped at him a second time. As I was going through the mail, he was trying to go through it too. This was less than helpful, and only messed up the pages of the mail I was trying to read. It caused me to lose track of what was what, and I snapped at him, telling him to out the papers down and leave them alone.

It turned out that two of the things I got in the mail had come from the New Hampshire Department of Health and Human Services. It was good news. A couple of weeks ago, I had applied for healthcare for me and Charlotte. The letters that I had gotten, told me that we had been approved for coverage.

The third and final time I snapped at him, was when I was trying to explain the patient portal to him. However, after everything was said and done, and everything was calmed down, I was crying and wanted to have a full on breakdown.

[arieswrites2023]

Entry 29

I was up early this morning. Not because of Jason's alarm, or because the baby was kicking. No, I was up because I was just up. Other than waking up routinely throughout the night, this is the first time I have woken up on my own. And? I feel good. I feel really good. For the first time in a long time, I am happy. I am genuinely happy. I am with a man who is both supportive and loves me for who I am. We have a baby on the way, and the monster-in-law is moved out and living with her own husband. The only thing left is to clean up her mess.

Jason's mother Dawn, saddled us up with two rooms full of trash that we do not need. We have gone through some of it. Some has gone to the trash, and some has been packed up into boxes. We have, however, found use for some of the items. Either way, it all needs to go. None of her junk can stay here anymore. It is mostly books, gardening items, and old machines. But one thing still remains true about the mess: If the mess is not taken care of, this place will not be safe for Charlotte.

[arieswrites2023]

Entry 28

You never know that the biggest day of your life, is going to be the biggest. The day's you think are going to be the big one's...they are never as big as you make them out to be in your head. It is the regular days...the one's that start out normal. Those are the days that end up being the biggest. You do not know the biggest day of your life is the biggest day. Not until it is happening.

You do not recognize the biggest day of your life, until you are right in the middle of it. The day you commit to something or someone. The day you get your heart broken; the day you meet your soulmate. The day you realize that there is not enough time, because you want to live forever. Those are the biggest days, the perfect days.

For me, that day will be the day I meet my little girl Charlotte. The day I get to hold that little baby in my arms. The day I become her mom. However, I am concerned that the day I meet my daughter may never come. Charlotte should be in a heads down position right now. But...she is not. She is still in a side facing cradle position. This means that she is breech. I need to talk to my doctor tomorrow (Monday) and see if I can set up either an earlier appointment or an ultrasound. I want to be 100% sure that there is absolutely nothing wrong with Charlotte, or with me. If I am correct in my concerns, then there are three optional routes that can be taken:

Manually move the baby into position: Putting a hand on either side of the mother's belly, doctors will be applying pressure to try and attempt to externally move the baby around until they are in the proper position for birth.

Breech Delivery: If manually moving the baby does not work, doctors may try for a breech Delivery; delivering the feet and buttocks before the head. This can leave the mother more exhausted as labor during a breech Delivery can, and most often does, take longer than a normal vaginal delivery.

C-Section: The third option, if the first two do not work, or are not optional, is a C-Section. In this option, doctors will deliver the baby through an incision in the mother's abdomen. This can also leave the mother exhausted, and she will need help caring for the baby for 6 to 9 weeks.

While none of these options seem very preferable, I will do whatever my doctor says is best. I want anything and everything that us best for my child. I am scared, though, Scared that something is or could be seriously wrong with my baby. Or...what if there is something wrong with me? What if I am preeclamptic? Or have a subchorionic hemorrhage? What if something happens to Charlotte and it is my fault? I will not be able to handle that. Not one bit.

[arieswrites2023]

Entry 27

I find these days that I have a lot going on. I feel so many things, and think so many thoughts. This means that there is a lot to go over in this particular journal. So, I guess that I will have to start at the beginning. It is the logical thing to do.

Today is Saturday June 1st 2024. Tomorrow, being Sunday, I will be entering my 28th week of my current pregnancy. This means that I am two weeks into my third trimester. During this pregnancy, I ascertain that I have been experiencing symptoms that I did not have with my other two pregnancies with my daughters Maya and Chloe. These symptoms include:

-> Hot flashes -> Mood swings

-> Food cravings -> Dizziness

-> Back pain -> Dehydration

-> Discomfort -> Nausea

-> Rib pain -> Vomiting

-> Fatigue -> Insomnia

-> Heartburn -> Headaches

-> Frequent urination -> Irritability

-> Contractions

These symptoms have been difficult to deal with, and often leave me exhausted. Today, for example, I feel abnormally exhausted, but cannot sleep. I am drinking a lot more liquids than before, and I am in a lot more pain. These are the kinds of symptoms I am not used to.

I even reached out to Judi Carboni, a nurse practitioner in Stewart Medical's Salem office. I need to set up an appointment so I can be seen. I need to get the glucose test and the TDAP shot done. The TDAP shot will protect Charlotte, as well as myself, form ever developing whooping cough. As for the glucose test, also known as Oral Glucose Tolerance Test (OGTT)? This test will tell me whether or not I have developed Gestational Diabetes. I also have some questions and concerns to discuss, including:

How do you tell the different between Braxton Hicks and real contractions?

How much water should I be drinking to avoid dehydration?

How soon should I start pumping and saving milk?

How much pain is normal during the 3rd trimester?

Are every day headaches bad?

What are the signs of hypertension during the 3rd trimester?

How often should the baby be moving in utero?

Why is the heartburn so bad that is leaves me with chest pain and a sore throat?

Why am I still getting nauseous and vomiting?

Is perimenopause the reason behind my hot flashes?

~ * ~ * ~

There is another thing I want to write about. The pre-trial date for my DCF custody case was yesterday afternoon at 2pm at Lawrence District Courthouse. Some people attended virtually, as did I. As to who attended:

-> Judge Hennessey -> DCF Attorney

-> Anthony Levasseur -> Kempton Giggey

-> Rebecca Rogers -> Adoption Team

-> Myself

During these proceedings, I learned a couple of interesting things. Out of these things, some were interesting, some were surprising, and some were startling.

The first thing I learned was that DCF is requesting Anthony's medical record from Worcester State Recovery Center and Hospital. The department believes that this is relevant to the case because Anthony was arrested two weeks ago on a domestic charge. They think that this hospitalization record can help them to better ascertain what Anthony's mental health really looks like.

The second thing I learned was from Anthony's attorney Kempton. He said that Anthony has a supposed brain injury that he sustained as a child. This is absolute bullshit! I have been through every page of his medical record and nowhere does it mention anything about any kind of brain injury. This information is completely false. They are lying trying to make him look better.

The third thing I learned was actually the most concerning. Anthony was asked multiple times by the DCF worker not to come to his visitations armed. Anthony has apparently been going to his visits armed with a knife. This information is very concerning, as it makes him a threat to Maya and Chloe. If it were up to me, he would never see the girls again after pulling a stunt like that. The girls are not safe with him.

The fourth thing I learned is that my interests and the interests of DCF are strangely aligned for once. I am not fighting for custody of Maya and Chloe. I am actually in the works of a proposed option of open adoption with my adoptive father Dale and step-mother Jennifer. It seems that it just so happens that DCF is in agreement with this plan. This was interesting to learn, especially since DCF thinks that I should not have any visits.

The next court date before the case moves to trial is on Thursday August 29th at 2pm. This particular date, is to go over any and all motions the attorney's want to put before the court before trial on the following dates:

-> Wednesday September 11th 2024

-> Thursday September 12th 2024

-> Friday September 13th 2024

-> Monday September 16th 2024

There is one last thing I was to go over before I end this journal. We might finally have everything we need for when Charlotte is born. However, we may need an extra box of diapers, an extra box of wipes, and we still need a thing (container) of baby powder or diaper cream. We even have my hospital bag and the diaper bag ready to go for when the time comes. However, I am not the one who packed the diaper bag. Jason packed the diaper bag so I could pack my hospital bag.

Just to be sure that it was packed correctly, I may have to go through it to ensure that Jason packed it correctly. I am in no way saying that he did it wrong. I simply want to be 100% certain that we have everything we will need for the hospital. Here is what should be packed in the diaper bag:

-> Pacifiers -> Swaddles

-> Burp cloths -> Nursing covers

-> Diaper cream -> Mittens/socks

-> Wipes -> Hats

-> Diapers -> Extra outfits x3

-> Changing pad -> Grooming kit

-> Tissues -> Gloves

I think I will check it now.

[arieswrites2023]

Entry 26

My entire life, I have felt small, insignificant, and unwanted. I felt like I was asking for too much from the wrong people. People who made me feel stupid, useless, and pathetic. People who made me look down on myself and lowered my self-esteem because they tried to change me instead of seeing me for who I am.

All I have ever wanted is for someone to want me. For someone to see me for who I am. To be accepted for me, flaws and all. For years, I lowered my standards and settled for less than I deserved. I jumped from relationship to relationship, hoping to eventually find the man I am supposed to be with. I went through almost nineteen relationships before I eventually found what I was looking for.

His name is Jason Anthony Morton Jr. He is twenty-two years old (Yes, there are five years between us), and we met while I was working as a delivery driver for Amazon. At first, we met during a conversation I was having with someone else. After that, we started talking everyday. We became friends very quickly. We even started having longer conversations after work, when our shifts were over. We would sit in the back of my car (Trunk door open) and talk about our day. Some days, we even talked about other things.

I learned later that he had told his mom about me. Of course, though, I found out from her. There was a week when his truck was in the shop, that she was picking him up after his shift. Eventually, we started hanging out more, going on hikes and playing video games like Rocket League, Hot Wheels Racers, and Moving Out. We had a lot of fun. I would go up to Derry from Haverhill around nine o'clock in the morning and then would return to Haverhill at nine o'clock at night. Time would fly when we were together.

We have been dating since August 5th 2023. We have been together for nine months, and three weeks. I love him. He is the love of my life. In Jason, I found my savior, my best friend, and my greatest adventure. I found everything I have ever wanted. He quiets my mind, makes me smile, makes me laugh, he tempers my anger, makes me feel safe, and above all...he loves me for who I am. This man is everything I ever wanted. I want long-lasting happiness with Jason.

But I still have one problem...Jason and I are having a baby and he wants to get married. His mother Dawn even pushed on it again and again. She continuously kept voicing her opinion on the matter; voicing that out baby would not be blessed by God if we were not married (As if that is something I care about). That our relationship would not be blessed either. She all but called me a harlot, and my daughter a bastard. I am less than pleased with the situation So...here is the problem I am having:

Jason wants to get married and is ready to do so. I want to get married, but am not ready to do so. I do not know what is wrong with me. I have always wanted to get married ever since I was a child. So what the hell is wrong with me? Just thinking about getting married gets my anxiety ramping up, up, up, and up. Everything that needs to be done:

-> Apply for marriage license

-> Acquisition a priest

-> Order and send invitations

-> Order flower arrangements

-> Book vendors

-> Book wedding venue

-> Book reception venue

-> Aquire marriage certificate

-> Update ID's, insurances, social security, and other benefits

-> Update credit and bank information

-> Update employer

-> Update voter registration

-> Update postal information

-> Update medical providers

-> Update social medias

All the things that need to be done makes me so much more than nervous. It scares me. It genuinely scares me. It is wrong of me to be afraid to get married? To be afraid to legally tie myself to another person for the rest of my life? Why am I so scared? I love Jason with every fiber of my being! Is that not all that should matter?

Jason brought it to my attention that he is willing to wait, if it means keeping me happy. I can appreciate his willingness to wait, but I feel like waiting hurts him. He may be good at keeping a straight face, but I can see it in his eyes. Pain, disappointment, sadness, confusion, and betrayal.

He is hurt, but he will not admit it.

[arieswrites2023]

Entry 25

This journal is about my middle daughter. Her name is Chloe Rose Levasseur. She is two years old this year. She has dark brown hair and bright blue eyes, with an extremely independent personality. She likes to do things all on her own, but knows when to ask for help. And just like her sister, Chloe is wicked smart.

As as infant, she almost never cried unless she needed something. When awake, she was always quiet. She would simply just look around and observe everything in her viewline. She hates macaroni and cheese, but loves Cheerios and fig neutons. She is not as sociable as her older sister, but still loved to be around people.

The day I had Chloe, I went into the hospital at 3:45 in the afternoon and had her at 4:44 almost an hour later. It was quick, but painful. When I found out I was pregnant with Chloe, I recognized the symptoms right away:

-> Nausea

-> Vomiting

-> Cravings

-> Food Aversion

I immediately made an appointment with my OBGYN and upon having a urinalysis done, got the confirmation that I was indeed pregnant. Chloe was also taken from me by DCF. not even forty-eight hours after we were released from the hospital. I was inconsolable but was not allowed to show it.

[arieswrites2023]

Entry 24

This journal is about my eldest daughter. Her name is Maya Michaela Levasseur. Born on July 5th 2021, her zodiac sign would be cancer the crab. She is three years old this year. She has light hair and dark brown eyes. Overall, she is a very happy child. She loves Mac and Cheese, apple juice, Cheerios, and chicken nuggets from McDonald's. Her favorite television shows are Bluey and Daniel Tiger, though, she loves Daniel Tiger more.

She loves people and enjoys socialization, especially with her little sister Chloe. She is an amazing older sister, and loves her family. When Chloe was first born, I was worried about how Maya would handle having a sibling. But she did very well, and has always been gentle with her. That is...unless she has to share or her sister has something she wants.

When I was pregnant with Maya, I did not know I was pregnant until an emergency room visit almost nine months in. The day I had her, I went into the hospital at 8:30 in the morning and did not have her until 10:45 that night. That is fourteen hours and fifteen minutes of labor. Not surprising for a first time mom. She was so jaundiced for the first forty-eight hours of her life, and I do not know why. I do not even know if the doctors knew why. So many blood tests were done, and she had so many problems with feeding.

I miss my daughter. She was taken from me by DCF after just two weeks. I was unconsolable. I still miss my daughter, I love her.

[arieswrites2023]

Entry 23

Jason's mother Dawn stopped by for a couple of minutes this morning. I did not even know she was coming. Normally, this would have been a problem. Today, however, it was fine. I may not have received it, but she had sent me a text that told me that she was coming. I wish, however, that she would wait to come by until AFTER I respond to her messages or phone calls.

After she left, I made coffee, cleaned off the balcony table, and am sitting out here while it is nice out. I brought out my journal (Which I am currently writing in), two books, my pens, the computer for music, my phone, and the portable charger. My plan is to sit out here and enjoy the day until it gets cold and rainy.

As I am looking around, I am noticing how much life there is. All the birds flying around and chirping, the bees buzzing around as they search for flowers to pollinate. And the colors around me: the blue sky and its grayish-white clouds. The browns of the dirt and fallen leaves. And, of course, the multitudes of varying shades of green as mother nature springs her wondrous creations back to life. It is amazing how much you miss the little things during the colder seasons. Being outside has always been one of my favorite things. Oh, look! A chipmunk! They are nasty little buggers if you have a garden. :(

[arieswrites2023]

Entry 22

Nightmares verses dreams. You can always tell the difference between the one and the other, even thought it may not always be subtle. However, the difference is simple. Unlike a dream, a nightmare is a type of dream that causes a strong and rather unpleasant emotional response.

As of late, I have been having a lot of nightmares I do not understand. Just last night I had a very strange dream that had a Tyrannosaurus and a Sarcosuchus in it. I do not remember a lot of the details, it is all quite fuzzy, but I do remember this:

-> It was dark and raining

-> Someone was injured

-> The dinosaurs were chasing us

-> I did not escape

Jason woke me from my nightmares and had to hold me until I could relax enough to slow my heart rate and steady my breathing. It is not midnight the next night and I find myself unable to sleep. Even after the day I had.

~ * ~ * ~

My day started off with Jason waking me from my nightmare. After which, I got out of bed and started my day. I began with the dishes that were in the kitchen sink. When I was done with that, I cleaned out the fridge, removing all the old food and items that had expired. It took a grand total of four and a half trash bags to get it done.

After I was done with the fridge, I got dressed and made my daily cup of coffee. I had to make it a little differently because I had no creamer. What I did was make it black with three stevia packets and a shit-load of chocolate Sauce. It was the third time I have had to make it this way, If I am being honest? It was really not all that bad.

When my coffee was made, Jason and I walked up (he walked, I waddled) to Walmart to do our weekly Thursday food shopping. Upon reaching the parking lot, there was an older woman who was struggling with lifting bags of potting soil into her car. So, Jason helped by putting them into her car for her. It was a nice thing for him to do, considering that he could have said no. We spent at least an hour at Walmart, getting everything we need for the week. We even got lunch: An Alfredo dish for me, and a meatball sub for him. Normally, we like to spend $50, but I am pretty sure we spent around $90.

When we were done, we walked home with everything and put it all away before sitting down to eat. It was around this time that my day started to go to shit. Jason's mother Dawn called to tell us that she was coming by to pick up some things after she stopped by the bank to deposit an inheritance check. When we asked for the bank hours, I told her. In response, she demanded that Jason fact-check me by looking for the hours on the bank's app. By the way...banking apps do not list their hours of operation. Duh!

I was thoroughly hurt and pissed off with both Dawn and Jason. Neither of the two listened to me and made me feel like I was stupid and did not know what I was talking about. Dawn is an absolute narcissist, so her behavior does not surprise me. But Jason? Jason should have defended me, but he never does. After that, I tried to log onto my Social Security Portal to check on the status of my disability application but found out that I could not get on because the phone number had been changed. I did not change it. I was even more pissed off now.

At this point, I was thoroughly done with everything and decided that it was time to scroll through TikTok for a while. I got bored very quickly. I was in no mood to play any video games, or watch any movies or TV shows. I was ready to cry and almost did too. I wanted to. Jason sat with me for a while after this, hoping to help me feel better. It was not until after I took a shower and got some food into my stomach that I began to feel like myself again. Guess I needed something to eat.

After that, Jason and I snuggled up together while he watched Youtube videos on one TV and I watched Harry Potter on the other. That was...until he bought and downloaded Hogwarts Legacy on his console for me to play. I got through the beginning intro of the game, where you learn how to play. It was basically a tutorial. But I have to wait until tomorrow to play the actual game, so I am not up all night. Although, something tells me I will be anyway.

Any-who...that was basically my day. Started off good, had a serious rough patch, but then got better. If that is not pregnancy, I do not know what is.

[arieswrites2023]

Entry 21

I spent my day yesterday, keeping myself busy. The first thing I did was make a couple of phone calls to my family to explain that Jason and I had received the news that we are having a girl, and not a boy. I called Jason's mother Dawn, my adoptive mother Kimberly, my sister Taylor, and my adoptive father Dale. I texted the news to my sister Erin, my cousin Lyndsay, my friend Jeremy, and my friend Kaila.

After of which, I re-wrote and updated my pregnancy journal. I even added an entry for week 24. The week I am currently on. Each week of symptoms and cravings are all taped into each page. When I finished the pregnancy journal, I even wrote a letter to my unborn daughter Charlotte. Oh...did I forget that I took a nap from 9am to 3pm before doing all this? By the time I finished everything, Jason was home and making dinner.

~ * ~ * ~

Today, I spent the day with my fiance Jason. I even have the next two days with him. Today, we played Fallout 76 together and went for a walk. It was beautiful out, and it was HOT! We walked up the fire road to Walmart and looked around for a while, and Jason even bought a new razor. After, we walked home. We have had a very good day so far and the day is not even close to over yet. Just wait until Jason sees what I have planned for tonight.

[arieswrites2023]

Entry 20

Family, faith, and strength. To put it simply, it means that your strength is your family and your faith. This could not be any more true. My family and my faith are my strength.

I currently have some unforeseen news for my growing family. I am 24 weeks pregnant, and Jason and I had firmly believed we were having a son, a boy. His name would have been Leo Alexander Morton. We got a call from my OBGYN's office this morning because they finally got the results back from the genetic testing that had been done by Natera.

So, the good news is this: There are close to no genetic health risks that my child will have. However, we also got some relatively surprising news that gave us a real laugh. We thought that we were having a boy, but it turns out we are actually having a girl. Her name will be Charlotte Marie Morton. I cannot say that I am surprised that I am having another girl, though.

When I found out, I had a few phone calls to make. My first call was to Jason's mother Dawn. We explained that we had finally gotten the genetic testing results back, and that not only was the baby okay, but that we were having a girl instead of a boy. She was absolutely ecstatic. Surprising for someone who has made me feel like nothing but a burden since moving in.

My second call was to my adoptive mother Kimberly. I called to give her the news about the gender of our baby so she could get her money back on all the baby clothes she had bought since they were all boy clothes. Turns out, she bought $200 or more worth of baby clothes that she now has to return. I told her not to worry about getting new clothes after returning the others, That we would be fine on our own.

Like I said...I am not surprised I am having another girl. It's all genetic, I suppose.

[arieswrites2023]

Entry 19

I struggle with the every day notions of intimacy and how to express it myself. But recently, I was watching Grey's Anatomy, and Meredith made a good point about the same subject that has stuck with me. Here is what she said:

Intimacy is a four syllable word for "Here is my heart and soul. Please grind them into hamburger and enjoy." It is both desired and feared, difficult to live with...and impossible to live without. Intimacy also comes attached to life's three R's: relatives, romance, and roommates. There are some things you cannot escape, and other things you just do not want to know.

I wish there was a guide book for intimacy. Some kind of guide that could tell you when you have crossed the line. It would be nice if you could see it coming. And I do not know how you fit it on a map. You take it where you can get it...and keep it for as long as you can. And as for the rules...maybe there are none. Maybe the rules for intimacy are something you have to define for yourself.

Her go-through of what intimacy is really stuck with me, mentally and emotionally. Meredith and I seem to have the same problem with the same issues. Intimacy, responsibility, romance, and relatives. She even asked the same question I have myself. The same question I have been asking since I turned eighteen years old. The one question I have been asking for nine very long years. And that question goes as followed: When did we become adults and how do we make it stop?

[arieswrites2023]

Entry 18

My intention for this book has not turned out the way I had hoped it would. My intention had been to write about my day to day interactions, activities, and problems. Instead, I have only written an entry in here whenever a situation arises, or when something exciting occurs. That tends to be every few days, or once a week.

When it comes to my day to day, I am normally always doing the same things: watching movies or TV shows, playing games on the Xbox or on my phone, scrolling through social media, writing, snacking, and keeping myself hydrated. This is my normal day to day schedule. As for interactions, I talk to all the same people: my fiance Jason, his mother Dawn, my sister Erin, my adoptive mother Kimberly, and on occassion, my ex-boyfriend Anthony. Yeah, yeah, I know. I should not still be talking to him. But he just cannot seem to let go. It is actually quite sad.

And lets be honest...There is never a shortage of problems to write about. Something is always happening. ALWAYS! Whether it is with Jason, my adoptive mother, his mother, with Anthony, or someone else we know, that is the constant question: Who is the problem with today and what is their problem? That is what I have to deal with.

Most of the time, I find that 97% of the problems I have to deal with every day have normally been caused by or revolve around Jason's mother Dawn, and her current toxic relationship. Surprise, surprise.

[arieswrites2023]

Entry 17

I had a conversation with my adoptive mother Kimberly yesterday. A conversation in which she said several concerning things. I will describe the conversation and list the concerning things she brought up, or has done.

It started like every other conversation. We talked about Maya and Chloe, my attorney, and the court investigator. But then the conversation turned to talking about Leo. Every time we talk about the baby, she always pushes for me to bring him to her house. She is always insisting. She commented on how they are always willing to help. She said she has clothes, a crib, and a pack and play, and that I would not be alone.

She then made a comment saying that she is concerned about me having problems with Postpartum Depression. It is like she is saying she thinks I am going to hurt my son. I never had any concerns with Postpartum Depression with my last two pregnancies. Why would she be concerned now? I just do not understand.

I discussed my concerns about my mother with Jason while he made dinner. He and I are both concerned that she is going to try to take Leo from us. We both agreed that we will not be taking Leo to my mother's, nor will we be taking him out of New Hampshire. This is the best way to protect our son. I even discussed my concerns with my sister Erin. She shares are concerns about Kimberly, and agrees with our decision not to take our son out of New Hampshire. We even decided that if they want to see him, they will have to meet us in a public place here in New Hampshire.

The next step in the process will be having to inform my family of this decision. I can already say that I know for certain that they will not like the decision we have made. But if they ever want to see the baby, they will abide by our decision. And how do we plan on telling them? With a text message. This is what I would like the text to say: Hello everyone! After deliberating about it, Jason and I have come to a decision, and this was not made lightly. We have decided that when it comes to our child, we will NOT be taking him out of the state of New Hampshire. For those of you who would like to meet our son, we will set up places and times to meet us somewhere. All visits with our son will take place IN NEW HAMPSHIRE, or they will not happen at all. Thank you all for your understanding and support.

I will have Jason read this entry when he returns home from work at the end of the day. I will also have him read the text that I want to send out to my family. If we are indeed on the same page about what needs to be done, then he should not have any disagreements on it. Sure, maybe he will say that it needs some tweaking, but at least it will get our point across and make our intentions clear.

[arieswrites2023]

Entry 16

Jason and I got a lot done yesterday. My drawers are organized and labelled, the bedroom closet has been cleaned out, and a lot of things have been moved to storage. I even switched out my fall/winter wardrobe out for my spring/summer wardrobe. Oh! I also got all the laundry done (7 loads of it).

I had more planned to do, however, I had so many sore muscles AND I somehow managed to sprain my wrist. The worst part about it is that it is my dominant hand. It hurts to write, to game, to text, etc. It hurts to do just about anything. But this is not the only thing I want to write about...

I had the strangest dream last night. I am actually 100% sure that I had a dream about what my future has in store for me. In this dream, Jason and I were still together, and our son Leo had to be at least five or six years of age. We had just bought our first house. A nice single story 2-bedroom Italian Villa styled house. The house had a garage with the only entrance to a roofed outdoor patio. On this patio stood desk with paperwork on it. The back wall had a bookshelf filled with files. The two bedrooms were in the back of the house, across the hall from one another. The kitchen, dining room, and living room were all in the front of the house. I do not remember if the house had a yard, though. I had to assume it had to, with Leo in the picture. That, or there is a park nearby.

The only thing is this...I do not currently have a job, which means I currently have no income. Jason works for Amazon, but even that cannot pay our rent. If that dream last night was about our future, I really need to get a move on with finding a job, or finally finish and publish my book.

Of course, that would take dedication; writing always does. Not to mention how much my wrist will hurt. Just writing this hurts. I want this future for us. For me, Jason, and Leo. This is a good future. A strong future. This would be good for us. For all of us. What is better about it? We are close to my family. That means Leo will have a genuine chance to know them. I want this future. I really fucking want this future. This is a good future.

[arieswrites2023]

Entry 15

I have started my day off right. I got myself out of bed nearly around eight o'clock in the morning, got dressed, and made myself a cup of coffee. I even put makeup on. It is Tuesday, which means it is the beginning of Jason's three day weekend, and it is nice out.

Today, however, I have plans. I have tasks to complete. These are my tasks for today:

-> Laundry (wash, dry, and fold)

-> Trash (Collect and toss)

-> Make the bed (Blankets, pillows, and plushies)

-> Reorganize drawers

-> Clean drawers

-> Storage for summer clothes and watch cord

-> Dishes in kitchen sink

-> Reorganize bedside table

-> Reorganize top of dresser

-> Walmart for household objects

-> Clean out fridge

-> Start on living room cleaning

-> Clean out bedroom closet

-> Clean out under bed

-> Send out post cards

-> Go through snackbox under TV

-> Organize office supplies

These are my tasks for the day. They might, however, spill into the next two days. At least I will be keeping myself busy.