aries-wh0re

[aries-wh0re]

Wednesday - may 12.2021

4:10 am

This is why I never try . I be waiting all night for that call and never get it .

I always give more than I receive. Like this is funny to him but it hurts me so much.

Everyone’s always too busy.

If you say you wanna talk more & you’re down to ft whenever follow through tf . Or if u don’t then don’t say that shit.

I’m done with being hurt wtf I try and I try like at this point it has to be me.

[aries-wh0re]

Sunday - may 9.2021 pt 2

2:49am

So I’m off josh & garrett. Surprise surprise, I have a new guy.

This one tho is driving me crazy.

He’s from Texas and is 18. Like wtf I never go for younger I feel so weird. But that’s besides the point.

He’s so far away but I just want him here with me. We talk everyday on sc and text. But I don’t know what it is or how genuine it is. Like he sent a mf heart first ; said goodnight & goodmorning first... but he doesn’t do it anymore. I’m his first best friend on sc but at the same time I feel like I’m always bothering him.

I asked to Ft him but he said after cod—which is fine— but then his sister came over at like 1 am?? So obviously I wasn’t gon ft him? Like why would I if he has company over ? She didn’t leave till late af then he went to bed so I figured he forgot. But in the morning he said he was waiting for me to Ft him ?? Like I just don’t understand I don’t wanna ft you late af where I can’t see you. Like ft & speaking only at night makes me feel like I’m being used. Like yea late night convos are cool, but when that’s the only time you’ll make time for me then that’s where it gets iffy. Like I see u gaming and allat shit & u even said you’d Ft me when you’re gaming . Do what you say please or just don’t say it. It makes me fucking crazy waiting around for something I want so bad to happen yet not even sure of it will happen. Or if the intentions are good or not. Everyone always takes advantage of me I feel like Idk I’m tired bye

[aries-wh0re]

Sunday - may 9, 2021

2:34 am

I feel like I can’t breathe. I feel so empty inside. I feel like I’m all alone. No one cares , no one ever will.

There must be something wrong with me. Are my expectations too high ? Am I too much of a problem?

Everyone always seems to be too busy for me. It’s been this way my whole life. With my mom, it was just always about her she was the victim in every situation. My dad never gave a fuck. And my sister was literally too busy w/ raising me.

I’m 20 and have never had a genuine relationship of any kind. Never had a best friend. Never trusted my parents. Never had a boyfriend. Never been on a date. I’ve never let someone fully in.

But why tf would I when no one actually cares? To let someone in you have to be vulnerable and that means trusting them w/ your shit. Aka shit they could use against when they inevitably hurt/leave me.

I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t even have the effort to want to kms. I don’t want to be alive but I have no effort to off myself. I just genuinely don’t care if I die. I want to cut so bad but it’s been YEARS. I do not wanna go down that road again.

I just want a break from it all.

[aries-wh0re]

Monday - February 22,2021

5:47am

I drank coffee at 2 am Bc I’m a fucking weirdo lol but why am I freaking out that I might be pregnant

[aries-wh0re]

I need to start letting people in. I tend to cut off people before giving them a chance Bc I’m hoping for that one specific person even tho Ik they’ll never give a fuck about me.

[aries-wh0re]

I want to cut everyone off

[aries-wh0re]

I stg people just use me for shit or just try to make me look stupid.

Like wtf was the point in inviting me to your party if you were just gonna leave me ? This has happened 2 times now.

[aries-wh0re]

I want to not give a flying fuck, but I do. I hate it. I hate everything.

I’m not good enough for anyone or anything.

[aries-wh0re]

Lol he just snapped me back

[aries-wh0re]

Sometimes I be feeling nostalgic af like Ik I’m in the present but I’m feeling like a time from the past. Idek if that makes sense but yea. It’s not the same as dejavu tho Idk

But garrett has left me on open again. I shouldn’t be annoyed bc he not mine AND just got out of a relationship BUT like I want him? Or josh. Idfk.

[aries-wh0re]

Bruh garrett left me on read again. I fucking hate when he do that. Ik he’ll eventually snap me back but like wtf just leave me on delivered.

Also went to the dispensary today with the Josh’s and was lowkey hoping to go back and smoke wit them but it’s not the best weather so I get it.

[aries-wh0re]

I feel numb as usual. I just wanna be on an island by myself

[aries-wh0re]

I’m using this as a journal. It’s 4 am and I want a place to fully say whatever tf I wanna say.