areepa

[areepa]

I said no

My aunt just came in with one of my favorite (yet just carbs) food and offered it to me. It was already cooked, it was still warm and I was already thinking of saying yes. I could taste it in my mouth just by looking at it and I swear my arm was already stretching to grab when my mouth said No. 

Once it was out I thought I would look worse if I said I wanted it, besides, the hardest step was already done: saying No. As quick as it arrived it was gone and I can’t believe I was able to decline it. Even if tomorrow turns out I didn’t lose any weight I’m still so proud of myself, cause saying No it’s gonna make this a whole lot easier eventually

[areepa]

Things I’m gonna do...

Once I’m skinny:

1. Wear my favorite jeans that don’t fit me anymore

2. Try on new outfits whenever I want and don’t have to worry about not looking good on them

3. Be able to wear a bralette again

4. Buy a lot of bralettes!!!

5. Get my hair cut because my face won’t be round anymore

6. Love my arms

7. See my collar bones again

8. Wear skirts without thinking my legs are too big

9. Buy high waisted clothes

10. Not being scared for being lifted by friends or in my dance classes 

I’ll keep updating  so I can stay motivated

[areepa]

I didn’t understand how people could feel “in control” while fasting until I tried the 16:8. Basically you have an 8 hours window for eating and you fast for 16 continous hours. Sounds hard at first but really is not. Cause once you start the fast your mind like knows it will not take a bite for many hours and doesn’t feel hunger. I found myself having 20 hours fast without noticing and no more mood swings.

[areepa]

I want to be skinny sooooo bad that it hurts me more to look at the mirror than starving myself all day.

[areepa]

mum: how you’ve lost all that weight?

me: *eating one meal per day, fasting for couple days every week, exercising in my bed at 3 a. m. because I ate one grape more than I planned, being obssesed about counting calories and mukbang/weight loss channels, daydreaming about food, losing period, constantly lying to dad and friends just to avoid food, trying to purge, having panic attacks over thought that someone can saw me eAtInG, not being able to start a new relationship because of self hate, being jealous of every skinny classmate in the most toxic and disgusting way*

me: well, I dunno

[areepa]

this post is a promise to myself that i will be skinny in 2020

i’ve spent far too much time crying about my appearance and hating myself because of my weight. i’ll be 19 next year and i can’t do this anymore i can’t go through life being fat anymore. i will be skinny in 2020, i’ll make sure of it

reblog if this is a promise you’re making to yourself too

[areepa]

Reminder

I just need an alarm to remind me not to eat. I don’t need food, I have plenty of extra calories already in my body for it to burn. A reminder that I am not hungry.

[areepa]

recently not many people have been posting sweetspo or meanspo and they help so much with my motivation so if any ed/ana accounts are active and do post meanspo and sweetspo please comment <3 stay safe angels

[areepa]

The real me is buried under all this fat and now I have to dig myself out of it

[areepa]

family: how’re you doing?

me: *after been crying all night, binged, complained about my weight, feeling fat, having suicide thoughts and hating myself*

i’m fine

[areepa]

O

I want people to worry but not care

I want the "oh my god you're so skinny", "are you eating enough?" sort of comments. I want attention and worry and concern from people, because it shows that there's a difference in my appearance.

But I don't want people to care. Because that means they make me eat. They make me buy and wear clothes that fit.

It's so difficult when you want people to notice you're hurting but you can't bear to part with your pain.

[areepa]

I’d rather starve than feel guilty

[areepa]

I hate the way people talk to me. Like I am magically thin. Like I can eat without gaining or just don't need more food. Because I look thin and I am talking like everything I do is easy.

Hell no! It's hard work.

It's crying at 3 a. m on the bathroom floor.

It's a constant battle with myself.

It's lying to everyone I care about.

It's self destruction.

It is not beautiful.

[areepa]

I was a little off, I gained some weight but I’m ready to get back on track. I am not going back to be the fat friend and this extra weight does not mean I have lost again, it means I have to go back stronger.

[areepa]

I’m hungry and loving to watch other peoples daily meals on YT. Am  I the only one? Like, when I’m this hungry the only thing that can make me happy apart from eating is watching what I could eat if I was normal, if I didn’t have the need to know the amount of calories going inside my body. And I have found that these types of videos on YT (where they plan ahead their meals) is weirdly calming for me.

[areepa]

as someone who as been overweight my whole life, i can’t begin to describe how weird it is to be able to feel my ribs and hipbones, or to be able to see my collarbones. it’s honestly a little surreal ive never experienced this before

[areepa]

I don’t eat food anymore, I eat calories