arboretum-dome

[arboretum-dome]

Medical trauma fucking sucks

It fucked me up

Its not just being in the hospital or surgeries or malpractice- its feeling the pain of actively dying. Its shaking violently as my body shuts down. Its screaming and crying saying I can’t breathe while a nurse tells me im having a panic attack and if I don’t calm down im going to lose oxygen. Its having no dignity and defecating in the hospital bed and needing to be moved and cleaned by strangers. Its wires and tubes restraining you to one area to the point you can’t move or sleep.

And even after…. Its the speckled scars from IVs and lines in my hands and arms. Its the crooked and oddly shaped surgery scars because i was so young when i got them. Its finding comfort in medical items and machines because those are what keep me alive. It’s wanting to look more sick so people will understand more of how i feel. Its becoming religious again to feel some sort of of sense of belonging and safety, like im protected. Its harming myself over and over again because if im not injured then i dont feel real. Its constant pain to the point i fall asleep immediately if relaxed or uncomfortable. Its a messy disgusting room because i can’t clean without assistance.

And for me…. Its DID

22 alters and never having a stable self. Forgetting things every day. Not remembering major life events. I hate it.

This life is torture.