arabelovee

[arabelovee]

To be in love

To let him go

Cause you're in love.

[arabelovee]

I relapsed. I can't even tell him. He has so much going on already. What do I do.

[arabelovee]

//

Sorry that I can't believe

That anybody ever really

Starts to fall in love with me

[arabelovee]

To my sun;

I don't think this boy understands how much he means to me. How his rays light me up instantly on all the instances. In happiness, in grief. I can't stress over how happy he makes me. He is warm, he is my home. He is the sole reason I can hope. I'm not scared of losing him, for if his happiness resides elsewhere, then be it. The only thing I'm scared of, is never being able to fall in love again. For if he isn't the one for me, no one is. No one ever will be.

[arabelovee]

Happy birthday. Hope you're alive to witness your next birthday, and after.

[arabelovee]

He's so perfect. I don't deserve him. He deserves someone normal.

[arabelovee]

I don't think I'll ever be happy again.

[arabelovee]

When you kissed her

When you kissed her, it wasn't the mingling of two lips that hurt. It was what went down beforehand. Knowing you kissed her didn't spark lights of insecurities in me, nor would I call it jealousy, it was knowing that my feelings had overruled yours. You are in love with me now, I believe that with every fiber in me. I'm long past that one kiss, yet at post midnight, or when they confide in my dreams, or maybe during an anxiety attack, I can't help but think. I can't help but wonder, if I was the only one to feel things in the beginning of it. I can't help but wonder if you ever felt the same way as I did when I began to feel for you. Or did I unknowingly trap you into believing that you love me?

[arabelovee]

To me in a parallel universe;

If there's a parallel universe in existence, I hope the me in there is content; if not happy. I hope the me in there didn't have to grow up and be resilient at the age where she just had to be happy. I hope the me had the privilege of enjoying childhood; the healthy banters, the mess ups minus the guilt, the love, the laughter, the feeling of not knowing what stress is. I hope she grew up without doubting herself in every single way. I hope she grew up with a stable mental health. I hope the me in there finds herself pretty. I hope the me in there, is learning to be happy.

[arabelovee]

//Birthday Blues

I turn 19 in approximately 34 hours from now. This year, I've taught myself to expect nothing. Birthday//just another day. The fear of that one day that was meant to be mine turning into just another day, wasn't supposed to consume me like it is right now. I worked for an entire year, non-stop to ensure that. I kept my heart on my sleeve to ensure that my birthday wasn't that one motif that for once made me keep expectations, of any sort. I had learned to expect nothing from anyone/anything over any aspect; except for this one day.

I've always been the birthday planner in every group. I enjoyed making their special day as special as it could ever get. Surprises, thoughtful gifts, special treatment, you name it. I never really expected anything in return of it, because honestly, no matter how cliché it is, it was the happiness they showed that made everything seem like it was worth it. Also, I was a pro. I doubt anyone had the ability to ever do half of what I could.

But maybe somewhere in the back of my head, expectations had brewed their own nest. I craved to be surprised on my birthday, I craved for extra love, heck, I just craved love. Only to get disappointed for the first 18 years of my life. I realized, my birthday was just special to me, no one else really cared as much. So last year, I made up my mind to feel the same way others felt about this day. No expectations, I told myself. But boy, is hope the strongest feeling in the world. Just the thought of not hoping for a miracle that might stop me from crying on my birthday made my eyes swell up even more. What if I fuck up again? What if my heart gets broken, again? What if I'm still low-key looking forward to a "happy" birthday? I don't know.

I don't know what's worse; the pain of failed birthdays or the pain of giving up on trying to be happy on my birthday again.