aperplexingpimo

[aperplexingpimo]

To everyone in the church who used the second coming as an excuse to vote for Trump despite human rights concerns/climate change/etc. because the world's supposed to go to shit soon anyway—

Christ's death was also prophesied and needed to happen to fulfill God's plan. Didn't make Pilate's hands any cleaner when he washed them.

[aperplexingpimo]

I love to tell random stories from when I was actively mormon and have everyone around me be horrified but like yeah what add you talking about that its weird we pretended to be dead people and got manhandled by old guys and shoved into lukewarm water once or twice a month? totally normal idk what you mean

[aperplexingpimo]

hey. you're allowed to say it traumatized you. you don't have to defend the institution that hurt you with "but it wasnt that bad!"

feel free to be angry. feel free to be hurt. feel free to grieve the life that was taken from you. one day the church won't be able to hurt you anymore.

[aperplexingpimo]

just realized that I have still not taken advantage of my church building access to learn Ganondorf's theme on the organ. gotta correct this soon while I still have a keyfob.

[aperplexingpimo]

My child is in white, like a lamb

Held beneath the water, like a lamb

Sometimes you people kill the lambs

Please be good to this one.

[aperplexingpimo]

I have never met a man who cared to know his Heavenly Mother,

though he parrots her existence as a symbol of our equality.

If there is a Mother in heaven, helpmeet to the Father, performing the same invisible labor as her daughters here on earth—

It's too bleak a thought. I hope instead that she dumped his sorry ass.

[aperplexingpimo]

that integrity talk actually hit hard but maybe not in the way the speaker would have hoped :)

[aperplexingpimo]

My Heavenly Mother is sacred—so sacred, in fact, that we must not speak of her, or even imply her existence outside of one, single hymn dedicated to the Father.

Nevermind that this gives me no eternal template for a life beyond this one.

Nevermind that I as a mother am hands-on,

approachable,

dirty with the work of raising those I tore myself apart to help bring about.

My ancestor prayed to God (the Father) and the pages of her journal that she might love her husband less,

that sharing him with his other wives might hurt her less.

And my earthly father wondered whether the cost of a college degree was worth it when I would use that paper to change all the diapers,

and at 9 years old I was confined to my room for a day for exposing my sexy shoulders in my pink floral tanktop,

and I knew, I knew, listening to the sacrament prayers read in dull voices by 17 year old boys that I could read those prayers just as well, with such earnest devotion. I was such a good reader. I was such a good reader.

I gave all this to God, as instructed. He gave it all back and said that he had nothing to do with it.

[aperplexingpimo]

Doesn't help either that the art all looks like this:

nevermos are like "why do so many mormons end up writing scifi and fantasy, it's such a weird correlation" meanwhile mormons grow up learning this:

[aperplexingpimo]

The strange thing about growing up in conservative Christianity and then leaving it behind is that there are a lot of secular/progressive spaces that engage in similar thinking while sincerely believing their ideas are counter to conservative ones. So I thought I would just make a list of things I was taught within conservative Christianity, the stuff that was either the core of our beliefs, or the social dynamics that we created. Some of the language I use is specifically either scriptural, or Christian-speak.

This list isn’t to say “stop thinking this way.” This is actually intended to simply be informative because sometimes social justice spaces assume, “we are crafting our ideals in opposition to conservative ideals therefore whatever we think surely must be the opposite of whatever they think,” without ever seeming to know that their language and ideals look and sound the same.

So, let’s begin:

Sin-leveling: x is bad, and y is bad, and all bad things deserve an equal reaction

Sin-leveling part 2: because all things are equally bad, there’s nothing wrong with inverting the consequences. Hurting others becomes acceptable (because it’s no different than doing something distasteful), doing something distasteful is unforgivable (because it’s no different than doing something harmful)

Avoid all appearance of evil: if I assume that your behavior looks wrong, then you are wrong, even if further context would say otherwise. You should avoid doing anything that others would see as wrong because you are not allowed the benefit of the doubt or to defend yourself.

Sin by association: x company contracted with y company. Y company engages in something sinful, which means x company approves of said sinful thing which means if you purchase from x company, you are condoning, supporting, and have actually committed the sin.

Think only on what is good: or as the pastor of my old church liked to call it, “garbage in, garbage out.” Whatever ideas, thoughts, words, arguments, stories, pictures, books, movies, songs, friends, love you put in your head will create the desire to become that. If you want to be good, you must avoid any bad thought because you will “slip” into wanting it and then be unable to stop yourself from being it. (For example, type into google “is secular music” and click on the autocomplete of “a sin”)

Language as an in-group test: if you do not describe your life, experiences, and beliefs with the exact same vocabulary and in-group speak, you are either not really one of us, or you’re someone who hasn’t thought through their ideas as deeply as I have.

By any means necessary: Also known in the ex-Evangelical world as “lying for Jesus.” If my words create the necessary beliefs and actions in others, then it doesn’t matter if I am exaggerating, saying half-truths, or using manipulative language, because I’m saving others and helping them do what’s right.

Touch not God’s anointed: any critiques of those our community trusts, critiques of those we’ve deemed “the good ones,” are actually people trying to sow discord and disunity to destroy our community and their voice should be silenced because they must be lying.

Judge not lest ye be judged: A scripture that we throw at people when someone says our leadership is abusive, a scripture we cry is being taken out of context when we want to harshly critique someone ourselves. 

There’s more, lots more, but this post is already fairly long. Once again, though, this isn’t intended to be combative. I just want people to know the actual social dynamics that a lot of us grew up with in conservative Christianity communities, so they know when sometimes they’re sharing those social dynamics, not countering them.

[aperplexingpimo]

Man, I don't even know how to word this exactly, but my mom sent me a fairly short but lovely Valentine's note today, and just

I realized as I was reading that it didn't praise my testimony or my spirituality or my relationship with God, but just... things that are me. Things that I try to do and be and value on my own.

And unless one of my siblings said something, I don't think my mom realizes exactly how far out of the church I am mentally (she knows I have "problems" with the church but not that I want to leave), so I don't think she did it consciously, but just

It's touching to see my self as a person acknowledged? But jarring that it took its absence to make me realize how much the constant background trickle of spiritual praise growing up formed the very fabric of my self worth? And I don't think I realized until this moment how shredded that subconscious sense of self has become, because if I'm not the righteous one, the spiritual one, the one with the testimony, the covenant-keeper—then where is my worth now?

[aperplexingpimo]

[aperplexingpimo]

Is your love language really acts of service or were you raised with the sole purpose of being a caregiver for all of eternity??