anywherebutnothome

[anywherebutnothome]

— Carol Rifka Brunt in Tell The Wolves I'm Home

[anywherebutnothome]

You deserve rest. You deserve a break. A day off. Hollidays. Weekends. An hour to yourself. Cozy evenings. Life is not about only being productive.

[anywherebutnothome]

There’s a scream caught at the base of my throat and today it started its escape

[anywherebutnothome]

Thursday 21st September

Bulletproof Memories

It has been said our memories can be unstable but I’ve never felt calmer than when I’m remembering the first time you text me on a Sunday afternoon 15 hours after we met and 8 hours after we hugged goodbye for the very first time.

I believe I once read the more you recall a memory, the more it changes but I would swear the way I remember you tracing the freckles sprinkled across my back every Saturday morning has never been so true.

I’ve been told that forgetting often creates space in our minds to learn new things yet I dread the day I can no longer remember the street you lived on when we first met.

A friend once claimed that the easier it is to recall something, the less we are learning and I’ve never found something to be so true. I can recall everything about you from the nickname of your childhood best friend to how many cities have felt your footprints yet I cannot learn how to unlove the echoes of your laughter or the feel of your hand warming mine.

My favourite teacher once told me that I am the only one who can control my learning but how can this be true when I cannot learn how to walk through the park without reaching for your hand? How can this be true when I cannot learn how to survive a morning without your name falling from my lips? How can this be true when I cannot learn how to fall asleep without you whispering sweet dreams from your side of the bed?

Research suggests that our memory has a limitless capacity but how I wish that wasn’t true. How I wish I could erase the way you would call me at 5:27pm everyday to remind me it was time to leave work.

My mother once told me that memories of the past will one day be given life again but I hope the memory of our final words die an eternal death before the year is out.

[anywherebutnothome]

Monday 18th September

Believe It When

People will show you who they are. You’ve just got to believe it.

Believe it when the text messages are read but the reply is never sent. Believe it when the phone calls are ignored and you start to remember the sound of their voicemail over the sound of their voice. Believe it when the facetimes are declined with no reasons given. Believe it when plans are forgotten and promises are broken.

But remember there’s the other side too….

Believe it when they bring you doughnuts on a Tuesday afternoon just because they know they’re your favourite. Believe it when they pick out a bunch of flowers just because it made them think of you. Believe it when they book a midweek dinner just to spend time with you. Believe it when they phone to check you're home safe and keep talking until they hear the lock click. Believe it when they don’t just say that you’re important to them but when they prove it with every action, every thought, every smile.

Believe people are who they show themselves to be

[anywherebutnothome]

Wednesday 12th July

The Moments Between

We’re taught to believe the big moments matter most. The first kiss, the public declarations, the scattered rose petals, the bended knee, the steps towards I do. And of course these moments matter, they truly do. But what about when the big moments have passed and only you and the ever fading memories of them are barely hanging on?

What about when you’ve slept through your alarm, when your car won’t start, when you hit every red light, or when you can’t find your keys? What about when you’ve just had a really hard day, week or month and you just want a hug?

At times like this, when everything is going wrong and the world feels upside down, the big moments fade into obscurity and skulk in the shadows afraid to show themselves in case they aren’t enough after all.

At times like this, the small things become what we need most and I promise you they won’t let you forget them. They grow and twist around our insides and work their way into our very consciousness as their demands for recognition echo louder and louder.

So in the chaos of badly timed red lights, lost keys and shitty days try to remember when your person got your coffee order right for the first time, try to remember every time your person played your favourite song to cheer you up, try to remember when your person wore the outfit you love just because and try to remember all the other mundane moments in the midst of it all.

So yes, the big moments matter but just remember to let the small moments be enough because sometimes they’re what you need most.

[anywherebutnothome]

Sunday 22nd January

I need some space so let’s just take a step back. Let’s take a step back from the missed facetime calls, the ignored texts and the never received replies, just to name a few. You’ve missed so much, too much in fact. So, just for now, or maybe longer, let’s take a step back.

[anywherebutnothome]

Sunday 8th January 2023

Patience

Patience is a virtue.

But what about when the patience has travelled twice around the universe, hung itself from shooting stars and twisted itself in Saturn’s rings?

Patience is a virtue.

But what about when the patience has tangled itself around your bones, fused itself to your nerves and become a part of your being, choking you from the inside out?

Patience is a virtue.

But what about when the patience can no longer vault the walls of your soul’s making, cross the valleys carved within your heart or fill the deafening silence of broken promises?

Patience is a virtue.

Patience is a virtue.

Patience is a virtue, but for how long?

[anywherebutnothome]

Saturday 7th January 2023

Your person

I’ve always known that relationships, friendships, people come and go and even the ones that stick around are ever changing. But, it’s still a surprise when your person, the ever changing but constant one, isn’t your person at the moment. A chasm has cracked and spread across the years you’ve known each other. It probably happened slowly but it suddenly feels like the smiles, laughter and secrets have been overshadowed by the frowns, the sighs and the eye rolls. Silence has always been a part of you both but now the comfort has gone, replaced by elongated pauses that are interrupted by accidental eye contact and a stilted are you okay? At times like this, when you’re person isn’t your person, all you can do is look through the shadows. Look through the shadows and see the beaming smiles, hear the echoing laughter and remember the shared secrets. If you can do that, then maybe, just maybe, they won’t just be a person anymore. They’ll be your person and the silences will be comfortable again.

[anywherebutnothome]

Let's start.

“Start now. Start where you are. Start with fear. Start with pain. Start with doubt. Start with hands shaking. Start with voice trembling but start. Start and don’t stop. Start where you are, with what you have. Just… start.”

— Ijeoma Umebinyuo