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The Reality of being Suicidal (part 2)

We've all heard it before: "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem." I fail to see how half my life is temporary. I'm turning 24 in September. I started selfharming and having suicidal thoughts at 12. I've gotten help. I go to therapy. I take my medicine and see a psychiatrist, but nothing has changed. The only thing temporary in my life is happiness. Then we have the classic "Suicide is selfish." Well, maybe it is, but isn't it equally as selfish to force someone to live a miserable life just so you won't have to say goodbye? Isn't it selfish to strip a person of their rights and humanity then lock them away? Oh, but it's to "protect them". No, it's not to protect them. It's torture to them. It's to protect you! I've been told "you don't really want to go, you just want things to get better." No, I want to go. I know your perfect little brain can't comprehend it, but I don't want to live life. Everyday tasks are exhausting to me. Things you'd brush off without a second thought stop me in my tracks. Maybe, instead of regurgitating what society as taught you to say, you can try looking at it from the other person's point of view.

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The Reality of being Suicidal

Everyday tasks are exhausting chores. Living, breathing, just existing is excruciating. Personally, I have two reasons, or people, that keep me fighting. When one of those people gets upset or annoyed or mad or impatient with me I lose my reason to live. I dismiss and push them away. I lose any will that I may have had. I shut down. It's impossible to find words, if I can even muster up the strength to speak. It drains the life out of me. I feel defeated and alone. It's just as frustrating and scary for me as it is for those who love me. I know these thoughts and urges are temporary, but I also know it only takes a second of weakness to do something that can't be reversed. Once the trigger is pulled or your hand have left the railing, there's nothing anyone can do to save you.

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The Reality of Mental Illness in Our Society (part 2)

Today was a really rough day. I couldn’t drag myself out of bed, silence the negative thoughts, or stop the tears. I reached out to three different people who’d told me they’d be there whenever I needed them, no matter what... but what I discovered is when they said that, they meant as long as it was convenient for them.

I told them. "I just want to end it."

Person 1: "Dont be fucking stupid!"

Person 2: "Ws can't be friends anymore. You're too depressing."

Person 3: "Don't talk like that. I can't handle it."

And people don't understand why the suicide rate is as high as it is.

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Are you Addicted to Approval?

Signs of being addicted to approval include:

1. You are very aware of the expectations of others. They also affect how you feel about yourself.

2. You are constantly worried about how others view you/ what they are thinking about you.

3. You choose NOT to do things that others don’t approve of for fear of judgment and rejection.

4. You DO things you don’t want to do as you fear others making fun or you, putting you down, or talking about it.

5. You feel anxious and upset if you think you have upset or irritated someone – and desperately try to make things right.

6. You think the views and opinions of others are more informed and valuable than yours.

7. You agree when others criticise and put you down. Then you start to attack and feel ashamed of yourself.

8. You reject yourself if other people reject you, and basically believed that at core you are flawed.

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The Reality of Depression and Suicidal Thoughts (part 2)

Everyday tasks are exhausting chores... living, breathing, just existing is excruciating. Personally, I have two reasons, or people, that keep me fighting. When one of those people gets upset or annoyed or mad or impatient with me, I lose my reason to live. I dismiss and push them away. I lose any will that I may have had and I shut down. It's impossible to find words, if I can even muster up the strength to speak. It drains the life out of me. I feel defeated and alone... and loneliness can lead people to do irrational things. It only takes a moment to make up your mind... and when you're holding a gun to your head or pills in your hand and praying to God for a sign, seconds feel like hours... More times than I can count I have been in this position, wanting the pain to stop, but not really wanting to die... begging for proof that life is worth living... "if even one person responses, I'll be able to make it." These thoughts consume you to the point where you're willing to throw everything away. They lie and tell you, you're not worth it and no one actually loves you... they say "They'll all be better off without you." and just like that, you're gone.

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The Reality of The U.S

I live in a country whose people have forgotten what our freedom cost. I live in a country that is taken for granted. I live in a country full of people who believe someone becomes your enemy the second they disagree with you. I live in a country full of people who want to be heard, but don't want to listen. I live in a country divided. I am not your enemy. Do I agree with you on every little detail? No. Am I your enemy? No! Stop screaming at each other and listen, you might just learn something. We are the ones in control, not the government. We rule our lives, not the government. The government has divided us and while we're distracted fighting one another, they take our freedom away one law at a time. Divide and conquer, right? These people aren't our leaders, they are our representatives. The difference between those two words mean more than you know. See, we treat them like they're in charge and look up to them, but the reality is it's supposed to be the exact opposite! They're supposed to get behind us, not is get behind them. We've given our federal government far too much power. State government was where it was meant to be at. Our grandfathers and grandmothers didn't fight and struggle for us to hand our freedom back. They'd be ashamed of us. Everything they worked for is being undone and its the ones they did it for that's undoing it. Still, we have more freedom that's most of the world. I have the right to say what I believe. I have the right to worship what I want. I have the right to protest in the streets! We take "small" things for granted. If we're not careful, all those "small" things will become one very big thing.

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“If you don’t leave your past in the past it will destroy your future. Live for what today has to offer, not for what yesterday has taken away.”

— Unknown

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“Not everyone deserves to know the real you. Walk away and leave them to criticize who they think you are.”

— Unknown

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The Reality of Mental Illness in Our Society

I was made fun of a few weeks ago for having suicidal thoughts. Demi Lovato became a meme when she overdosed. People are labeled "the weird kid" in schools all over America. Yet, when someone commits suicide everyone pretends that it came out of nowhere, that these people had access to all the help they could ever need. Often times, when money allows, these people do have access to the help they need, but when they reach out, they are made fun of or made to feel less human. It's all fun and games until it becomes tragic. It's funny until it's a celebrity like Robin Williams, who spent his entire life making others happy, just to end his own life with a rope around his neck. It's funny until it's your boyfriend or girlfriend's lifeless body on the floor with a gun in their hand. It's hilarious until it's you brother or sister in a bath of red, a razor laying in the floor under their limp hand. It's just a joke until it's your mom or dad overdosing. Mental illness isn't restricted by age and it isn't a phase. It shows itself in many different and unexpected ways. It's the mountain of dirty dishes, the pile of unwashed laundry, the friend who hasn't bathe in days, the insomnia, the sleeping all day, the over-the-top comedian, the homebody, or the loner. Suicide is currently the second leading cause of for people ages 10-34. It is the tenth cause of death for all ages. Over 44,000 Americans take their own lives every year, that's a person every 12 minutes. Mental illness isn't a joke. It's a problem, a problem that people refuse to acknowledge or take seriously. I believe people do this because, if they choose to acknowledge it, they have to do one of two things; do something about it or do nothing about it. Doing something will often times be an inconvenience. Doing nothing will almost always result in guilt. People choose their convenience over 44,965 peoples' lives every year. If that sounds like a joke to you, then maybe you're the one who needs to seek help.

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The Reality of Depression and Suicidal Thoughts

They never disappear. Sometimes, they're bearable and can be tolerated. Sometimes, they're soul crushing, soul consuming, and debilitating. But they're always there, lurking in the back of your mind, like a predator, waiting for the perfect moment of weakness to pounce on their unsuspecting prey. Anger, saddness, happiness, and joy are only emotions and emotions are temporary. They come and go all too often. I can be happy and depressed. I can be joyous and suicidal. The weight of these thoughts and chemical imbalances is crippling and I will never escape it.

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The Reality of the LGBTQ+ Community

I want to start this blog off by explaining that I am both bi and Christian. I want you to understand my state of mind before continuing with the rest of the blog.

It is my belief that being lbgtq+ isn't a choice, the we are born the way we are; the choice we have is whether to act on our feelings/thoughts. People are born pathological liars, murderers, alcoholics, drug addicts, etc... but they are not judged or convicted until they have acted on those traits. I'm definitely not saying being lbgtq+ is the same as being a murderer in the eyes of man, because it isn't, but in the eyes of God sin is sin. Period. No matter how "small" it may seem to us, it still rips us away from Him. Think of a bar graph: from the side/front, you can see the bars are all different heights, but when you look from above directly down onto the graph you cannot see the difference. It's like that with sin. God sees it from above and we see it from the side.

My main philosophy is this: if someone's actions do not put another in harm's way or infringe on another's rights, it's no one else's business.

The lbgtq+ community deserves the same legal rights that everyone else has. Every human is created equal. The lbgtq+ community started by wanting to normalize being lbgtq+, but we've gone way past that now. It's almost like being lbgtq+ puts you above others. There's a whole month to celebrate your sexuality, but if a straight person wants to celebrate their sexuality they are scorned and chastised for it. If all sexualities are acceptable and normal, then why are we oppressing theirs. Isn't it just as much their right to celebrate their sexuality as it is ours? Yes, the way we were treated in the past wasn't right, but doing to them as they did to us isn't going to make that better. Don't we remember how it felt? And now we want to make others feels that way? There's always going to be people who disagree with, or even hate, you for your sexuality. There's nothing we can do to change that, but hating them back isn't going to fix anything. If you expect respect for your beliefs you must respect theirs as well. It's okay to disagree on things, just because they're wrong doesn't mean you're right. Why must there be groups? "lgbtq+" "straight" What's it matter? We're all human and we all deserve to be treated as such. Change doesn't just happen, you have to make it happen. Nothing is going to change if we keep spitting hate right back at them. Someone is going to have to be the bigger person and let's face it, it's not going to be them.

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The Reality of Being Bi and Christian

Yes, I'm bi.

Yes, I'm Christian.

Being an active member of the lbgtq+ community is a choice, but being lbgtq+ isn't. I was born bi. I've been attracted to both men and women since I can remember. I had a crush on a girl in 4k, then a guy in 5k. I don't get to choose whether or not I'm bi, but I do get to choose whether I act on it or not. The lbgtq+ community deserves every right that straight people have. We aren't less human because of our sexuality. I personally believe to act on these feelings is a sin, but I also understand everyone doesn't share in that belief. My God called me to love others. He didn't call me to judge them. In fact, he taught me that I don't have a right to judge. It's okay to be different. It's okay to have different beliefs and opinions. It's not okay to hate on or physically hurt someone just because they don't agree with you. If a person's actions do not infringe on another's right or put another in harm's way, then it's none of your business. A man marrying another man, a man becoming a woman, or a woman marrying another woman doesn't change any of your rights or put you in harm's way. My point? Then it's none of your business. You can't oppress someone just because you don't like it. How would you feel if someone did that to you? Treat others the way you'd want them to treat you.

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The Reality of Loving Someone with Depression (part2)

We're most likely going to over analyze everything you say. We're going to think the worst when you get angry with us. We're going to get hurt by your words. We're insecure and vulnerable. We'll also love you more than anyone before. We'll vaule you, and recognize the little things you do for us everyday. We'll need lots of attention, but we'll always return it! We're broken and we're warriors. We're fighting a battle inside of ourselves nearly everyday and we need you to recognize that and be considerate of it. Sometimes we won't want to go out. Sometimes we'll be manic. Sometimes we'll be calm. Just know our flaws and insecurities. Build us up. Compliment us. Love on us. Be patient with us. Because we'll do the same to you.