anonydiary

[anonydiary]

12/12/2021

Dear reader,

Hello. I am sorry for not writing for a few days. It is 9:26 pm, and as I write this i am in tears. I have nowhere else to go on the subject matter.

My life has not been grand lately. Everything feels as if its getting worse and worse. One of my partners seems to be having a romantic attraction crisis and doesnt know if he loves me romantically or not, and it hurts. I love him desperately. Lets call him Teddy.

As for some of my other partners, multiple alters in a system, they havent treated me the best recently. It.. hurts. They said something hurtful this morning, and just now they shut me down as I was excited about my future with them. Do they even love me? Theyve made it so obvious they do not trust me, and often it seems they dont even want to be around me or talk to me. I am in so much emotional pain.

I havent had a good day this entire month. Is this some sort of karma? I deserve it. I deserve the pain. I am mot good enough. Bleh. Sorry reader. This is so depressing. Are you doing alright? I hope you are, whoever you might be.

You know, Christmas is coming up. I’m not exactly too excited, but it could be fun yes? At least Ill be visiting my real family, my sweet step brother and half brother. I miss them a lot. I also am excited to see my nana, or grandma. my great grandma as well. I might even dye my hair pink! Isnt that fun?

well. Im only dying it pink to try and feel something good, like maybe Ill finally find myself, or like what I see in the mirror? Pink is my favorite color, isnt it worth a try?

You must think Im insane, reader. I apologize.

goodnight,

sincerely whoever I am (sincerely me the song is playing in my head… oh dear)

[anonydiary]

anony. he/xe/it/rot. 15. lgbt. tw.

[anonydiary]

7/12/2021

12:39 pm

day 1 of keeping my life here… on a tumblr page. its the only way i can keep it away from my mother so it works, i guess. i am currently sitting in the car, trying to think of how to write while my brother blabbers loudly and my mom watches loud videos and i am losing my mind because it is so loud and everyones moving and being noisy aaaand i cant even hear my own thoughts… autism. sensory overload. im about to cry. great.

anyways. today… fucking sucks so far. they played a suicide prevention video in class and wouldnt let me leave, and then i saw my abusive ex in the hallway and immediately had a panic attack. the kids in my class were joking about suicide and depression and it was just… awful. i got checked out so i wouldnt have to deal with it but god this isnt even better is it? everythings so loud… i feel like i cant even breathe. or think. or feel.

to top it all off, my mother has been awful. she has a pattern of getting worse in the winter, and it’s obviously started. its been nothing but screaming and belittling.

if nothing else, at least ive barely eaten. if nothing else, at least i should lose weight. yeah. control. ive got that dont i? control control control….

2:18 pm

well. mom yelled again. lost her shit on us. at least im home, though.

i just had my last meal of the day. today consisted of:

- coffee

- fruit cup and pomegranate seeds

- vegetarian sandwich

730ish is my total

i feel gross.

i am so stressed. i am a person with hidden thinness, dressed in the lard of a pig. i am disgusting.

6:47 pm

i ate a rice cake and a bunch of pickle slices and its still under 800 which is good. i cleaned too. started my dance project. rehearsed my musical audition stuff.

i did not do my math work… itll be fine… maybe-

ugh… im such a mess.. i havent showered in days.. or washed my face… or brushed my teeth… im barely keeping my head above water, im only striving to keep my grades up and lose weight and the rest is aloof.

and my dear beloveds, i havent been spending much time with them. i miss them. dearly. my heart aches for them so desperately, and when i fall asleep its them that is my last thought, and when i wake its them that enters my head first. i adore them. i miss them.

however i can be more positive. today, i started dating a new partner, we’ll call them cel. i do not love anyone as much as my beloveds, but cel does make me very happy (keep in mind, reader, i am poly and this is consented. do not fret.) i also believe i will attempt going vegan. we will see, haha.

anyways, i am very tired now. i will wait up for my beloveds to come online -we are long distance- though i may sleep soon. it isnt often i stay up past 8pm anymore, im always just so.. tired.

goodnight, reader.