anonwon

[anonwon]

Anon’s Life

Hi its me again. As the days growing closer to my first therapy session my heart pounds and pounds. I don’t know exactly what I fear about it. I’ve had therapy before when i was young. My parents threw me into it without a choice. speak of my parents i had a dream about them last night. it was quite odd. It seemed as though i had moved back into my parents, after a ran away 8 years ago. I had woken up in my dream and was headed into my dads room (they had slept in different rooms growing up) but my step mom was in there almost as if they were both sleeping in the same room. In the dream i was a bit thrown off because i didnt expect her to be in my dads room. As i almost headed into his room, my step mom was putting on a shirt. I immediately turned around to give her privacy and apologized as i didnt know they were sleeping in the same room. she and I walked down the hallway together. Then i stopped and looked at the photography pictures hanging on the wall. I looked at her and said you know after all these years I began to get into photography too. She noded. where have you taken photos, she asked. I said “oh here and there, reno, washington, los angeles, sacramento. she said “Oo cool” and she continued walked outside in which i followed her. She got into her car and rolled down the window. I rested my arm on her window and peeked my head in then said “you dont care that i am here do you.” she had no answer for me but just began to drive away. Then my dad came out of the house and looked as though he was about to leave. I addressed him but he ignored me and got in his care and left. then all the sudden i noticed these two guys working on a car. it seemed as though these 2 guys were servents of my parents but in reality my parents arent rich, I go over to them and begin talking with them. i said  Asking them about something Jesus’s words but then looked at one of the guys and said oh your jewish so you dont or wouldnt know and then i stated. I think that im gonna have a hard time being here. im gonna want to run, i do want to run but i cant. and began to cry and then i woke up... yeah crazy dream.

Yeah anywho i dont know why after so many years in mental health i find this time to be the scariest. but this dream seems to be a sign or something maybe. subconscious mind going crazy about the abuse my father did to me......either way I Dont like having dreams and such about my step mom and dad. it sucks, 

[anonwon]

Anon’s Life

Hi, I’m Anon. I know it may see weird that I don't go by my real name. but honestly the more I find myself helpless and hopeless in this time the more i notice that those around me that i love don't really listen. or I just don't reach out. I'm not here on tumblr because its cool, or because its something to do. but rather I am here because my soul is deeply down cast, i don't know how or what to do with my life, or really why i am here. I love Jesus. with all my heart. and yes Jesus means the world to me but that is not why i am here either. I wish to express me. in all that i am in a place that wont know who i am. I've been on the app lyf for a couple years now but because they recently changed their look i choose to move on from the app. 

I feel like I'm going no where in explaining why i am here, but honestly I'm not here to be an English major on tumblr. who freaking cares right. i guess this is just an outlet for me. and i don't really expect anyone to really see these but if they do well welcome. I hope you find some kind of relatability in this. life sucks right now. financially i have be so blessed. but as 2021 comes with fire my heart is like a tumultuous sea crashing against the winds. shaking indeed. 

I’ve suffered from ptsd for quite sometime now but i never knew how to explain how i was actually feeling until the stress of the constant abuse was no longer there. i got out of all abusive situations when i turned 18. i moved out of my parents or rather ran away. after 9 years I've come to a place where i found myself suffering from the effects of 18 years of abuse in all different kinds of ways. mainly I'm angry, i wasn't angry before just deeply wounded and depressed. but after 11 years of depression i was flat out DONE with sadness. I'm sure you can understand huh. maybe. i was a self harmer for 11 years... blamed myself, punished myself for the abuse that others caused. after 11 years i decided enough was enough. i went to a 12 step program and well i have 3 and a half years no self harm. woo

but just because I'm not self harming doesn't mean that all the fucking pain goes away. noooo. although i became fed up with sadness my grief of abuse turned into rage and anger. and well that is one thing i fear the most of myself because... anger and rage was the fuel to the abuse. in most cases. instead of sadness its now anxiety, and panic, anger, and frustration. So i decided I'm going to therapy. and well i start my therapy Friday with a therapist that specialize in trauma and ptsd. i don't know how it will go but i hope its something that helps me.... anywho i guess this is where i will stop. thanks for listening or reading or whatever goodnight.