annedroidwrites - Tumblr blog

[annedroidwrites]

Dr: people with these kind of stomach problems usually lose weight because they stop eating because it hurts

Me: Ah, but you see sir: I am a fucking idiot and will continue to eat even when it hurts because I'm stupid.

[annedroidwrites]

Chronic illness is so isolating. Telling people about it gets them stressed and upset and I don't want that. But I also don't want to go through it alone. I'm scared and in pain. I don't want you to lose sleep over knowing that but I need you to know that that's what I'm going through.

[annedroidwrites]

I would shit out my GI tract inch by inch if this pain would stop.

[annedroidwrites]

My stomach is trying to kill me.

[annedroidwrites]

Fun fact: if you sleep a chronic fatigue's worth of sleep you can unlock pre-industrial first sleep and second sleep.

Unfortunately, instead of reading or correspondence I spend my time between the two just trying to mitigate pain.

[annedroidwrites]

I don't want to be in pain anymore.

[annedroidwrites]

Had to pull out all my tricks to get even a modicum of pain relief but it'll do. Idc which one worked: fiber, antacid, water, stretching or hot shower. Just that it worked is good enough for me.

The idea of going to the ER is so scary I started crying. I don't care that I'm in pain, I don't want to go back there.

I just want to be pain free but if I'm going to be in pain and frightened anyway I'd rather be at home.

[annedroidwrites]

The idea of going to the ER is so scary I started crying. I don't care that I'm in pain, I don't want to go back there.

I just want to be pain free but if I'm going to be in pain and frightened anyway I'd rather be at home.

[annedroidwrites]

I'm tired. I'm frightened. What if I'm getting worse? What if this is the new normal? Will I now always be in pain? Will I not be allowed to eat without pain ever again? What am I doing? What is the point? I'm scared. I don't want to be in pain any more. I'm not going to hurt myself I'm just so fucking scared that the rest of my life is going to be agony and I just have to live with it. I want to go home but I'm already home. I want to be safe. I want the pain to be manageable again.

[annedroidwrites]

First time ever going to the ER and I cried four times. It was honestly so scary but I might have an ulcer! Knowing is at least something after how bad this week was.

[annedroidwrites]

For the love of god, could the ibuprofen please kick in?

[annedroidwrites]

Solve one body problem and then immediately there's another. It's neverending. Just one day without some part of my body breaking down, please.

[annedroidwrites]

I've always said that, for me, getting clean costs less spoons than being dirty. My bfrb means if I don't shower I spend all day digging holes in my skin. But goddamn, it still costs a lot of spoons. I want to be clean and then get to do stuff rather than be clean just to prevent further deterioration, you know?

[annedroidwrites]

Every time I get a flare up when I'm dreading doing something I worry that I'm making it all up. I just made myself sick so I didn't have to do the thing I don't want to do. Doesn't matter how in pain I am or how bad it is or how often it disrupts things I actually want to do. I still think: I'm not ill, I'm just a lazy coward.

[annedroidwrites]

I feel like despite my health getting worse (got a new and frightening headache two days ago so that's great), less and less people believe me. Please, I promise I'm not doing it on purpose, I promise I don't want to be this way. Why can't you just believe me when I say it hurts and I can't do things the way I used to or the way you want me to?

[annedroidwrites]

"What do you know?"

"More than I should, less than I'd like to."

"That's not helpful at all."

"That entirely depends on what you're more afraid of: my knowledge or your own ignorance."

"Why would that matter?"

"If it was the later, it wouldn't matter what I know except in my deliberate keeping of it from you. But... Maybe you're worried about what I'll do with my knowledge and so specificity would be preferred. Either way, this is all the answer you're getting."

[annedroidwrites]

I can't get comfortable today. Not just in my body but my mind. I can't settle. Everything's too much.