annaisapples

[annaisapples]

Relationship Rant/WTF why am I like this?!

I need help, because I am in a real pickle. I couldn’t sleep, and things have been on and off again weird with the boyfriend, so I decided to snoop even though I’ve promised a million times not to and seem to have a control problem where I just keep breaking that promise...

We’ve been dating for over 2 years now and living together almost the entire time. We split in the beginning of 2017 for a month, but where together every day (that being said, he caught me flirting and mass messages between my ex and I that were totally explicit). Anyway, we are both well aware that in our glory days, before him and I settled down, we were both notorious for our... scandals and sexual adventures. Now, we are comfortable, have both gained a lot of weight and have some real esteem issues, and sex is occasional and usually kept short ---> including ending with me crying, because I’ve gone off my rocker and my depression is so bad right now (weight is a big reason for that).

Anyway, that was back before last summer. We got crazy close after all that... or so I had thought, but here I am, sitting outside in the rain, on a Chromebook I’ve very barely touched in two years at 1 in the morning while he sleeps, because I got angrier and angrier the more I thought about what I found.

I didnt find any dirty messages, though its not like I can read his snaps, but I was pretty thorough. I found the one bad thing, besides his porn, which I don’t really care about.

His whisper app. 2 whispers had been made, but one deleted. Made 1 day ago. “I find my female neighbors very hot and I hope they see this and wonder.” Or something very close to that. 1 day ago. Friday, our date night? Or Saturday, which we spent with our couple friends, playing couples games with? And what neighbors? The girl next door with the dogs? They are pretty. The mom upstairs? Shes gorgeous. Suddenly I’m feeling low and dirty and like I’m not pretty enough.

Him and I argue a lot, we both have tempers, and neither of us are very socialable unless drinking. He can be a real ass and I’m a neurotic bitch at times, but there are so many things we do good for each other. He handles me with my depression so well, especially recently (months), he lets me go to school while he works even though my financial aid was cut, and we have fun playing together.

But when he drinks, he flirts. He gets randy with me, cocky with everyone, and downright rude and toxic at times. A month ago he “was kissed” by a girl at a party that was with him the entire night, and wasn’t going to tell me, but our roommates saw and told him he had to tell me and message the girl and “explain” that he was just “drunk” and has a girlfriend. He told me 2 days later on our anniversary, because I was in the best mood I had been and he figured that was the best time to tell me. I tried to not let it get to me, to be understanding, but we had several talks about in the in weeks since. Me and my questions, “Is she pretty? Does she look like me? Is she big? Is she blond?” He doesn’t remember her that well, can’t remember her name, deleted the messages between him and her and don’t want to talk about it any more.

Then we go to his little brothers just before Christmas. His brothers 19 yo girlfriend is a petite and fiesty blond, she’s lovely and kind. He flirted with her and commented on her outfit several times. We go back again for New Years - I was sick as a dog. He flirted with her again, picked her up and threw her on the couch, and at 4am (hours after she went to her room to sleep, passed out drunk), he snuck into the room while his brother was talking to me and our friend. We all saw, he wasn’t as smooth as he thought. His brother ran in there, slammed the door shut, and my bf came out shortly after, annoyed. I asked him about it the next day, after making him leave around 10am, because I was humiliated and couldn’t sleep in that house for another minute. I was kind and let him know he was a piece of shit in my opinion, but told everyone else we needed to get going and he decided to drive home with me, knowing I was pissed.

He didn’t remember throwing her. He was “probably just trying to scare her or wake her I up, I think”, but he didn’t remember sneaking into her room or his brother being pissed. Thankfully his brother has those blackout habits too.But my roommate saw, just like she saw the kiss, just like she kindly whispered to me about his drinking and how he was acting at parties without reveiling too much. 

All of his friends are women, many in relationships, some fat and single and look like me. He confides in them and messages these people (and maels, to be fair) about his depression or hard times, especially after we fight or he drinks (which go hand in hand a lot).

I guess I’m asking for advice without expecting an answer to anything. What should I expect? Has he crossed a line? I, myself, am a bit of a voyeur, but considering he’s been totally disinterested in sex for weeks, then we’ve been having a lot of sex the past week, and 1 day ago he shares that whisper... Now I’ll be watching the neighbors like hawks, wondering constantly who it is he felt the need to make a craigslist like connection with, wondering if that person is better than me, skinnier, nicer, less neurotic...

I can’t sleep. I’ve gotta be up at 6am and it’s 2am now, but the idea of laying beside him right now leaves me with a feeling of dread and anger extending from my chest and growing like a monster inside. I laid there in the dark for a while, staring at him, wondering if he could feel my hostile and heart broken aura. No, he slept, he slept soundly.

I’ve been planning a life with him. I had a dream last night that we actually got married. I’ve been talking about kids with him. We say we have the same enemies, but I wonder if there is any loyalty or if he is like his forever-bachelor uncle that steals the girlfriends of younger friends (our friends girlfriends, repeatedly). Who am I really with? Do I even have the right to be angry? It’s been a long time since I’ve snooped, but considering everything going on.... I just had to know.

I’m going to stay silent for now. I know that’s a bad idea, but there are things that need to be done. And, I want to monitor his whisper account for a while. He had received one message, asking if he was male or female and he simply responded male and that was the end of that convo, but what if it wasn’t? and what was the whisper that he deleted? What other messages has he deleted? Who the fuck am I dating and fantasizing a life with like I never have before? Is any of this my fault? Is my self esteem crashing also crashing our relationship? Is he just feeling like he needs more attention or a confidence boost (he has also been very low on self esteem due to weight etc)...

I’m so lost and what’s worse is I know he’ll be angry if I tell him what I found while snooping, but then he’ll explain to me his reasoning or intentions - or he’ll outright lie, which apparently he has a few times. And I’ll listen and I’ll understand and I’ll forget about it for a couple of weeks until I see him. Hovering around the girls at a party, teasing them the way he did me the first night we met... What the fuck. Should I keep trying in this relationship? He says I’m always so fast to give up and that’s true, I give up everything when I come to a challenge except for this bloody relationship. Am I staying to prove him wrong? Or because I am in love with him like I feel I am? I know I’m in love with him, no one can make you feel this hurt or as good as he makes me feel without a connection, without lots of love. So I guess I’m really asking is did he cross a line, or too many lines, am I staying to prove him wrong, or do I need to calm down and work toward a future with him like I have been?

[annaisapples]

Beautiful

“Wing” by Woshibai

[annaisapples]

This would be perfect for my bestie and I.... if I weren't in a longterm relationship and both coming into our mid 20s D;

[annaisapples]

Love this

PRAA : MODELING CLAY

[annaisapples]

I think I may have to get on Hulu and start watching Sabrina again lol

Salem Saberhagen, everyone.

[annaisapples]

[annaisapples]

I would be homeless and totally alone with zero income. Not really in a position to change. I'm not allowed to leave the house while my dog is here, because the neighbors will tell the landlord she's here. I'm not sure what I can do. I can't even go to class. I'm so heart broken and I can't decide half the time if it's my mental illness or if we just don't work together. I need things to change, but my heart hurts and my head is in a fog and I just don't know what to do.

It can be scary, but sometimes you just need a change.

[annaisapples]

I just need more of this, and less of him not giving a shit. I'm his girlfriend out of convenience and that's it. How sad.

Korean Illustrator Hyocheon Jeong Effortlessly Captures the Sensation of Falling in Love in A Series of Adorable Illustrations

Instagram | grafolio.com

[annaisapples]

I am so fucking unhappy, it's insane.

[annaisapples]

Beautiful

Frank Cadogan Cowper (English, 1877-1958) - Vanity, 1907

[annaisapples]

♡♡♡ things that make me happy ♡♡♡

Totoro Waiting.

[annaisapples]

Transferring

I’m sitting here writing with my boyfriend sitting beside me on his computer, which makes me really uncomfortable, because I’m so worried that I’ll be judged for what I’m writing, thinking, saying before I can even get it out properly. So, I’m trying really hard to keep the anxiety down while I write, because man - writing is the only thing that helps me and I’ve asked him to not look at my screen at all. I must be the weirdest girlfriend, lol.

Anyway, this post is about transferring and life after. I’ve mentioned that I’ll be transferring to uni a few times (I’m currently attending community college and finished lower division course work). This time it’s actually true. I attend an on-the-spot admission appointment on Wednesday (the 25th) for the local 4-year uni, but my two counselors from two different departments have both confirmed that I should have zero problems getting into the school and should start next Fall.

That’s great! It’s about time that I get on with my life.

But...  of course there is a ‘but’, when is there not?

I’m worried that I’m making a mistake staying in my “home town” for any longer. It’s so easy to make an excuse or come up with reasoning to stay here - maybe even after college. I’ve already been considering attending the grad program at the local college, too. That would be almost 6 more years in this town that I’ve been promising to leave since I moved here about 12 years ago. My mind and heart are screaming at me. But like, it’s easy to live here, ya know? I know how to get around, where to go, how to live here with little problems and it’s not a bad place to be.

Despite all that I know I have to leave. The applications are being payed for, so I’m also applying for 3 other colleges. You never know, I could be accepted else where. Realistically I will attend the local state college, because it’s easiest and “most realistic” to stay here as everyone keeps forcing down my throat. My boyfriend too. He says he’s happy to go wherever, doesn’t care where we end up, but is constantly agreeing with my eldest brother that it would be easiest to stay here. How complacent and comfortable have I become here?

Well, realistically I am staying here. 2 more years to finish my Bachelors, and like everyone knows, a bachelors will get you next to nothing in life. Maybe a house with a mortgage if you’re careful with those credit cards. The reality is you have to work hard/manual labor, go to tech or trade school, get a specific certification and/or licensing for a specific career or get a degree beyond the bachelors to make a decent wage to be on the upper end of the middle class tier or have much hope of going above that. 

So, again being realistic, I have to stay in my local town where I am more likely to get scholarships and attend a masters program after I finish my BA.

There is another choice though. It may not be the smartest one and I certainly won’t have much chance of making more 100k a year for a very long time, but it would allow me to travel. I could teach English overseas for a few years or even a decade or so. It’s not great money, but it would allow me to experience other forms of life and maybe find one that works better for me. There is still the possibility of attending grad school while teaching English or coming back to the states and taking a break to finish my education, which allow me to make a decent wage here or make more money overseas teaching English at a higher level. No, my degree is not in English. It’s in psychology, but I’m not currently seeing that as much of an issue.

As of right now, going overseas or even to Mexico to teach English and go on some adventures seems like the “plan” after I get my BA. If I get offered a scholarship for grad school, then I’ll stay and finish that. I am really good at being a student, I’m just tired of being broke and feeling so stuck in one place.

One of the biggest things that claws at my mind when I least expect it to is the thought of my boyfriend. It would be really difficult to live on one meager income in other countries and also pay off my (small) student loans, but I hate to think like that, because we are literally doing the same thing here and he’s the one footing the bills. The other issue is, that would put a really weird stalemate in his own pursuits, as lackluster as they are. He wants to start community college when I start my last 2 years at the 4-year. However, just to transfer with his wanted degree in mind, will take him 3 years at community. To work legally in the main country I want to go (Japan), he will have to have a bachelors. There is also the possibility that I will want to go to a country that he doesn’t want to go to - such as Mexico or Africa, which I have been considering more and more as the months go on, because it would be a very different way of life and I could learn a lot. There is the possibility of him attending school online to finish his bachelors, but that’s not an easy route to go and then there is the issue of becoming isolated and too reliant on the partner, though that may not be an issue for his type. GAH, there are so many what-ifs in this thought process where it involves him - him not being able to go overseas without harming his own career options or not wanting to go is also hugely pushing me to stay the extra 3 years to do my masters locally, which will really alter what I do afterwards. Chances are if I get my masters, I will stay in California or the very least the states for several years and possibly never travel. Why? Because that would be the easiest thing to do, the most realistic thing to do, the best way to pay off (prospectively) large student loans. It’s weird to consider my boyfriend as a hangup and he tries to tell me not to worry about all these what ifs, but I get downright angry not knowing if he will continue onward with me after my BA. Sad and angry, but there is nothing I can do other than bury it all down and try my best to not let it affect our current and present relationship.

I guess my rant is over, just needed to think “out loud”. I do feel a bit more relaxed. A bit.

[annaisapples]

Ready for some big changes. Just going for a retail job I want currently, but doing it in a way to help shape my future career.

10 Great Questions To Ask Your Interviewer. [Infographic]

Often job interviews can feel like an interrogation, but they’re meant to be a conversation between you and a potential employer. Many job seekers focus so hard answering interview questions that they forget they are there to ask questions, too.

Asking the right questions can offer you an opportunity to find out if this company and the position are a good match for you. It’s a good way to dig into the company culture and the day-to-day responsibilities. Also, asking the right questions is important because the questions you ask can confirm you are a qualified candidate for that position.

[annaisapples]

Something about this makes my heart happy.

[annaisapples]

I often finding myself blaming my boyfriend (and us living together) to be the reason why I can never write anything past a page, but really, it’s just my own head. Still, it’s easier to write alone, or at least where you can completely zone out and not feel look upon.

If you’re an introvert, follow us @introvertunites. 

[annaisapples]

I'm not the biggest fan of the Gothic or dark stule, but when it's so classy and clean like this... makes me desire it just a bit more

Bettiefromhell via Instagram

[annaisapples]

It’s getting too damn much, right? You’re letting all those pressures get to you, major and minor ones, this sadness has taken over you, and it all seems absolutely unbearable now. Everything annoys you, and everyone disappoints you, people seem to be so damn ridiculous and shallow, you can’t tolerate a single word from them, they don’t understand anything, they don’t understand you. No one cares enough for you, you keep telling them you’re breaking down and they don’t seem to take it seriously, nor do they seem to even care. Nothing in this world makes you happy anymore, and it’s been like that for years now. You’re tired, you feel consumed, worn out, everything makes you sad, breaks your heart, makes you cry. You’re always crying, either when you’re in actual tears, or when you’re crying on the inside, and you know it when your chest hurts so f*cking bad. There’s nothing to live for, no one to live for. You wanna die, don’t you? But you can’t end your life, you’d just be so damn glad if you knew it’s going to end so soon. So you wait, either to die, or to be saved.

highlypoetic  (via wordsnquotes)

It's diifuclt to learn, let alone want, to save yourself.