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IT’S OVER: MY INNER ANTHEM

HOW MY OWN SONG BECAME MY OWN ANTHEM TO GET OUT OF AN  ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP

   Originally, the song IT’S OVER was merely another breakup song in the world of breakup songs… my personal first of the kind (I try to avoid such things. Alas, it happened). I wrote it nearly two years ago about my ex.

 Music, and the business surrounding it, can take time to be prepared for release. It can take on new meaning through that time. For me, leading up to the release, the song and its video counterpart became an integral part of the understanding, exploration, and now traumatic recovery from an abusive dynamic in my life.

The song suddenly took on a new meaning for me. It became my own anthem, to truly let go of, and recover from the abuse I had endured.

 The social media campaign I personally built around the release was not only a way of vulnerably sharing pieces of my story, but I also wanted to use it as a way to educate around the subject matter. These experiences are far too frequent.

We are afraid to talk about it. I was afraid to talk about it. I still am.

I was afraid my campaign was “triggering”. I almost pulled it down SO many times. Afraid people would be turned off by my honesty, by my rawness, that it would come across as negative, and people wouldn’t support me, the message, my music. Among all of these concerns, I was, and still am EXTREMELY fragile because of what I have been processing emotionally…  So, besides dealing with a deep depression, and bouts of anxiety, I had to also handle the idea that the sharing of my experience might somehow be wrong, and bad, and turn people off of me, my music my art, and the message.

 The truth is, the message isn’t negative. It’s REAL. And, through all of my soul searching, all of my self doubt, all of my grieving, I have come to the decision that these conversations need to happen. It will turn some people off. But I am not here in this life to skirt around the edges and play “happy”. I am here to play REAL.

And this is my real life experience. Yes, I have suffered from abuse.

I know a lot of people see me as a strong, empowered, independent, and fierce woman. I am, in many ways. And also… I am human, and what I have realized, is that this sort of thing can happen to anyone. At the time of my experience, I didn’t understand what was happening to me. I didn’t realize the words and the actions were 'abusive' and I really didn't know how common this was. I felt stuck, alone, and embarrassed to be in the position I was in. It took everything in my life falling apart to feel I’d had enough, and find the courage to cut chords.

 Because of my personal journey around this campaign, and the realizations I have had, I started to research abuse, in order to better understand what I have been through, and continue to heal from. Abuse comes in many forms, it is not only physical. Other forms of abuse can be harder to identify, and thus can be equally as difficult to get away from.  Other forms of abuse include: psychological, reproductive, verbal, sexual, and narcissistic. Abuse is NOT specific to romantic relationships. It can happen in working dynamics, with family, in friendships. The statistics around abuse at large are staggering. Every 9 seconds in the US a woman is assaulted or beaten. One in every three women will experience domestic abuse in her lifetime… the list goes on.

 I was shocked, appalled, and grieving from the realizations of how incredibly prevalent this is, all the while, licking my own wounds.

 The video for the song was created as a place for women to share their stories of love, loss, heartbreak, and conclusively find a way to say “it’s over”- regardless of the situation she may have found herself in, or the degree of difficulty. The women sat in a safe space (my bedroom, on my birthday) and told their stories, clearly going through their own releases, and finding their own version of “IT’S OVER” through their intimate experiences.

The video also took on new meaning for me as time went on… seeing my friends’ faces, their tears, knowing more about their own stories. Having the video translated into 10+ languages; seeing the words IT’S OVER written in Arabic, Japanese, Polish, Italian, French, Hebrew, Portuguese, Russian, Korean, Spanish… it was fucking beautiful. It was fucking global. It spoke to me in new ways as I unraveled my own situation… with the video and song as my guiding post towards my liberation.

WATCH THE VIDEO HERE: http://bit.ly/ANMLITSOVER

My hope is that this song, video, and the true stories which we have endured to create them, will be a reminder to other women: to know they are not alone, and know that there is support when they are ready to say “IT’S OVER.” Even if it’s just a breakup, the way it was for me when I first wrote it… use the song to give you strength to walk your steps towards your personal freedom.

  I have been broken open through this process. Because of the complexity of my situation, I ended up making several bad choices with my career, causing a lot of wasted time, energy, stress, and money. I am struggling daily with the repercussions of situations and dynamics I found myself in. I am on a path of healing, piecing my life back together, but most of all, hoping that everything I’ve been through, and the art I’ve made from it, finds a way to the hearts and hopes of others’ in similar situations. I chose to line up the new release date with Domestic Abuse Awareness Month (October) in order to align myself more deeply with the subject matter, and the need to draw attention to these types of issues.

  This song and video- this entire process has been a literal and real life exercise in making a huge shift in my life. It’s not easy, but I hope that together we can encourage, educate, and support each other to take the steps needed to finally say: IT’S FUCKING OVER, when it is, finally time, to say it, for whatever reason.

  It’s my time, and I say it with full, raw, honest vulnerability.

Broken open, but moving forwards… one day at a time.

<3 ANML

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LILA ROSE becomes ANML

My name is ANML and I am LILA ROSE

I am Lila Rose, the music making, multi media artist and activist. And I always will be. I was born with the name, so it’s not going anywhere. What I will NEVER be, is Lila Rose: the anti abortion activist who dominates google. There, I said it.

This name change is most definitely not BECAUSE of her, but she definitely helped to give me the extra push needed to make the move I’ve been considering for years. (More on her in a moment).

The name change, like most of my creative missions, was essentially, at its core, a vision I had. I knew for a long time I wanted to change my name for a variety of reasons. The right name just wasn’t presenting itself to me, and it’s certainly not the type of thing you want to rush, let alone do more than once, if at all possible. I came to my team members with different names over the years. I almost changed my name when I put out WE.ANIMALS. my last album. I was urged by many, not to. I’m glad I didn’t... the name I was thinking of then, wouldn’t have suited me in the long run. When I came to my current team with my new name idea, I was nervous, mostly because I’d been rejected so many times with my previous name change ideas. I finally brought up the idea a couple of months ago, and everyone jumped on it immediately with a big YES. I was like: “Oh! Really?!?! Ok then!”

I wanted a name which was less about “me” and more inclusive for the artists I create and perform with. This isn’t about ME at the end of the day. This is about an artful expression, which often times depends upon, and includes many other people. Not only that, but the name is inclusive to everyone who becomes a listener, a fan, and essentially a part of a greater community (not to be too woo woo about it). You are ANML, I am ANML, WE are ANML.

We are, scientifically and evolutionarily speaking, animals (unless ofcourse you do not believe in evolution, in which case perhaps you thought you were reading about the other Lila Rose. HA.) We have a lot more in common with the “other” creatures than a lot of us might imagine- on a physiological, and emotional level. Now, when you see my name, say my name, wear my name (with all the cool new merch I have!) you will be reminded that, we are ALL animals at the end of the day. Somehow, by eliminating the barriers between me being human, you being a turtle (or whatever), him being a dog, and her being a cow, me being Caucasian, you being Latino, my dad being Jewish, my mom being Christian... somehow, if we can find any sliver of commonality amongst us, perhaps we can up the empathy towards one another, and create some kind of a protective bond between us: knowing that it is not only kind, but a duty to protect, and support one another. Or, on a basic level, not harm one another, or create unnecessary suffering for each other. Atleast, we can all (hopefully) agree, that we are animals, if nothing else.

Ok, enough of my hippy shit. Back to the other Lila Rose.

I never, ever want to be confused with the other Lila Rose ever again... I mean... really. EVER. Our politics are pretty much opposing. Here’s something the other Lila Rose and I have in common though, besides our names: we both consider ourselves to be “pro lifers”. But my version of PRO LIFE, means equality for ALL life. Not just some select, religious, racially homogenous lives. I believe in true justice for all human, and non human animal lives. I believe in the protection of all life forms including plant life, the air we breathe, the water we drink, the soil unto which we plant our seeds to grow the food we need to survive. So, to me, pro life, means loving and protecting every living thing. If I were to follow the politically derived meaning of the word pro life, what I have to say is, I believe in a womans’ choice to chose what to do with her body. Period. In this case, we shall call it PRO CHOICE. No matter how it is a woman might find herself pregnant, I believe she should have the choice to decide whether or not she is suited to be a mother, and she should be given the option to decide her own destiny in that regard. I am grateful to the doctors, clinics, and activists who fight hard to help keep our rights in tact. The other Lila Rose is responsible for a lot of the struggle many of these individuals and organizations and thus patients have experienced. Unfortunately, the other Lila Rose is pretty famous too. She’s got a lot of followers- obviously this is all very religiously woven. She dominates google searches, she confuses my fans. I want no further confusion. I am Lila Rose, but please, for F’s sakes, do not confuse me with her. I mean, I hope I get to meet the chick one day so we can have a discussion around our differing opinions: Lila Rose versus Lila Rose. I’d like to see that. K, enough about her. Really.

Lastly, Lila Rose is a beautiful name, I admit it. I will carry it on happily in my every day life, but in regards to being indicative of the genre of music I make, it just isn’t. It’s very pretty, floral, and feminine sounding. My music is rather dark, intense and passionate. They don’t really match up (although my personality might!) 

I have my fears and reservations about this change, especially because this year has been the most successful year yet for my career on a lot of levels. I’ve had some incredible momentum with licensing opportunities, I’ve seen my fan base grow tremendously, and my sales go up. I am finally paying my rent from my art (is that supposed to be some amazing feat?).

It seems an odd time to make such a change, considering all the great movements, but better now than later. And it’s something that I think will serve me and my career and my message in the long run. It’s worth it. I’m willing to confuse people for a second to guide people deeper into my world in the bigger picture.

I want to thank my mommy who chose such an amazing and memorable name for me to run my life with! Lila Rose lives on, but as for my music, ANML now takes the stage. (Pun intended).

Check my brand new 360 website at: WWW.ANML.US

You can now find me on my social media channels with the name ANML including youtube, facebook, instagram, soundcloud, etc.

Lastly, for the die hard fans who made it this far along in my blog, I’ve made a very short run of my new ANML merchandise just for YOU! Check out the new undies, beanies shirts, and sale items here at my ANML store: http://anmlstore.bigcartel.com/

10% of sales go to an animal rights organization of my choosing (as always).

Help spread the word... Lila Rose becomes ANML!

<3 <3 <3

[anml-us]

Your secret admirer wants you to be famous ;) theIast media. com

I’ll take it!

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love your music so much! the sound and everything is so neat! i would love to hear more songs similar to 'confessions' because that one is my absolute favorite!!

Awww thanks SO much and sorry for the delay- I rarely check this site lol. Have you checked my website? www.lilarosemusic.com there are links to all my music there- but much more coming soon too!

Thankyou very much for the love and support!

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This is my friend and long time inspiration/hero to many, Julia Butterfly @juliabutterflyhill. On January 12th 2016 I will be hosting a webinar for her workshop called "A Course in Courage- Living a Life of Purpose, Passion and Power" from 5-7pm PST. Sliding scale 25-35$. Please write to: hillbutterflyjulia@gmail.com if you would like to be a part of it and to secure your spot. We will be capping it at 20 people. Julia Butterfly is most famous for having sat in a tree in Northern California for 738 days in order to prevent the clear cutting of the old growth trees. She is a hero. She is an inspiration. No one has ever sat even close to as long as she has- which makes for a world record. I remember studying her in high school as a young budding activist. I remember watching the Simpsons episode about her. This woman changed history. This woman has worked so hard to protect this Earth for all of us. I am beyond thrilled to be of service and help bring her wisdom to the world!!! Have you felt like you want to be contributing more to the world? To find YOUR unique way of giving back, and thus feeling more fulfilled at the end of the day? Join us January 12th 5-7pm PST from everywhere/anywhere in the world. Sliding scape 25-35$. All funds go directly to Julia to further her life, her work and her contributions to us all. #juliabutterfly #workshop #webinar #worldwide #juliahill #acourseincourage #activism #treesit #environmentalism #livingalifeofpassion

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.EGGS.

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THIS COULD BE HA(HARDER)

WATCH THE NEW VIDEO HERE: http://bit.ly/1iJNKBz

The new music video for the song This Could Be Ha comes at the perfect time. A year later, I might add, but JUST the right time (as goes life, right?)

At the moment I’m writing this, I’m filled with tears. I’m filled with emotion. My eyes hurt from lack of sleep and an endless flow of feelings last night as I prepared to unleash this creative piece to the world. It’s funny how this goes, but I have to keep telling myself “wellll, you wrote the dang song, didn’t you? So listen to the words, girl. YOU make things harder... so go easy on YOU”. I’m trying to remind myself that today so the video isn’t leaking of hypocrisy... or maybe it’s perfect how much I’m feeling it all right now.

This song was written with many ideas woven within it. What it means to me right now is very different from the time I wrote it a couple years back as I was wrapped up in the concept behind the album, WE.ANIMALS. I was thinking of a much bigger picture then- the suffering around the planet, the Earth, its inhabitants. For me right now, as I tuck my tears away as I sit in this cafe, it’s alot more personal. It’s the feeling of the immanent death we must all continuously face within ourselves, our lives, our relations... constantly in life. That feeling of grasping onto something you have sought after, and held onto so deeply, only to re learn how to let it die away. But it’s all a state of mind, isn’t it?

Freedom versus alone. Suffering versus release. Hard versus easy.

This video was us, alone, in the desert, with no crew at all... living the concept alive. Blazing hot sun, draped in black, arms full of bones. From sunrise to sunset. 2 people, and a choice: the easy path, or the hard path. It's all a state of mind.

This video was shot in Valley of Fire, Nevada. Daniel Garcia, my main creative collaborator and co producer on the album WE.ANIMALS. is the one who came up with the concept, directed it, shot it, and edited it (he also starred in it as the “ego” at the end). The video was my birthday gift to Daniel. All he asked for was to be in charge of a creative project together. Anyone who knows me knows that that is a HUGE task for me. I’m hands on allll the way normally. I’ve got my hand in everything. But I took it on... nervously I might add, but I did. It was an incredible experience for me to take a step back and to practice trust from my constant need to “control”, and to allow the creativity to be guided by my creative partner. 

The entire budget for this video was about 300$. The funds went into the gas money to get there and back, the campsite where we spent our nights, some food, some makeup, and a cactus (our star in the video which btw is living happily in my living room now).  It was our cheapest “easiest” shoot yet. Wellllll, besides the walking on sharp rocks with bare feet, carrying heavy bones in the heat of the desert days, and being wrapped in heavy black cloth. Besides that. Yeah.

This video was a 2 person project. When one was in the video, the other was shooting (or in my case, holding the camera and doing exactly what Daniel told me to do). It was an amazing and intense experience to be out in the blazing hot sun filled desert filming all day just me and him (and we have shot many videos together now with major casts and support). It was indicative though, of the meaning behind the song: that it's important to remember the basics for which we have been given in life- food, water, shelter, safety... no matter how deeply we might experience difficulties in our every day lives, things can always be harder, when we remember the bigger picture. Lest we forget the struggles happening all over the world- the immense suffering which puts into perspective all the blessings we have been given. We get to choice our approach to life every single day (specifically in the Western world).

The video itself was more of a conceptual spin on the song. Here is what Daniel Garcia says about that:

"We have the power to decide the way we journey through life. The video is a metaphor for life. The journey is long, heavy and challenging, but we decide how we walk through it, what to carry, what burdens we take on. At the end of the road there is us, our own spirit, in acceptance, in liberation... in order to get there first we need to die, our ego needs to die, the burden of our illusion needs to die; to find ourselves again. The vision came to me while meditating on the song and playing the song in my head over and over again. ‘You make things harder, harder on yourself, so go easy, easy on yourself’. These words inspired the vision of Lila walking through an intense journey, looking for answers, looking for life, searching for a way to release, to feel at peace. And the Only way to find this is through the mystic death, the death of the ego.”

Watch the video now here: http://bit.ly/1iJNKBz

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Misophonia: my journey with loving and hating sound

It was about a month ago now, in early Feb 2015 that a friend of mine posted an article with a picture of someone with their hands covering their ears in disgust. The image spoke to me, for obvious reasons, which I will share in a moment. This article was about something I have struggled with for almost my entire life, but not had any understanding of what was happening with me. I saw doctors and therapists about it- and the closest thing anyone ever gave me was “ultra sound sensitivity”. Ok, so I have incredible hearing. I hear frequencies most humans do not necessarily, and I am very sensitive to sounds in general. Cool for the musician me, and not so cool for the every day gal trying to just be alive in a world full of sounds which are not always beautiful.

It’s called misophonia. Misophonia is “a physical malfunction of the central nervous system or the brain”* That article my friend put up on facebook that day could literally have been written about me- the types of sounds, the way it effects the person, the age in which it begins... it was all there. The craziest thing was: it WASN’T written about me! This article was written because it has been recently discovered just what a high percentage of people struggle with this “disorder” or “gift” as I put it (it has actually been called a disease but I refuse to see it this way).

I am a breathing contradiction. I know. Music, sound, the LOVE and NEED for sound is what keeps me alive, actually. When I hear sounds that please me, I am transported to such immense bliss- the only way to explain it would be a godly state. When I am making or performing music, I am in a direct state of connection with that “godly” state. It is heaven for me. I love love love music. I live for it.

And also, sound- some very particular sounds I might say, have been such a painful and confused path for me. So much of my life has been a struggle in this regard... a kind of running away from these sounds, sort of building my life in a way in which I would not need to face them. I did not feel there was a reason to face these issues because frankly, I thought I was a weirdo. I thought I was incredibly neurotic (ok, I am), and just very particular, and in many ways alone in my very odd issues.

It’s like so many things though: step one, the realization, is only the very beginning. From here the healing journey begins and I cannot even explain how terrifying, and painful, and uncomfortable this has been.

I want to hide away, I want to keep this secret so very secret so that no one will know just how weird I really am. I want to heal this all on my own and then pop up on the other side all better and perfect. But for the power of healing, transparency, and in support of all the other people out there who are having the same epiphany that they too have this journey in their lives, I have decided to share this openly. We all have our struggles in life- some are more common and easy to understand, and some we can pin as “strange”. No matter, this is me, this is one of my big struggles and I’m happy to say I am looking at what seems like a big wall in front of me, but I’m ready to enter it, and get to the other side.

Somehow this “diagnosis” or label, has given me a freedom to the first step in healing. It has taken me away from the neurotic musician artist (ok fine, i’m still neurotic- by hey, that makes me ME, right?!), and the potentially sometimes weirdo roommate, or partner, or slumber party escapee, to something that makes so much sense. No, I’m not just sensitive! No, I’m not making this up. This is real, and it hurts, and it’s uncomfortable, and best of all... I’m about to break through it.

Unfortunately there is not yet a “cure” for this thing, mostly though because it is such a recent discovery. I trust that with blogs like this, and all the other articles now being written about it, alot more research can be out into it. I have found through my online hunting a couple of people who say they have had success healing some patients, mostly through CBT and other types of neural reprogramming techniques and therapies. I am now seeing a hypno therapist who is doing some of this type of work with me which has been immensely uncomfortable, but has been such an incredible blessing to have someone by my side in this odd and incredible journey.

So there. That’s me. Neurotic: yes. Passionate: yes. Lover of sound: yes yes yes. Raw, tender, open, and honest to be facing something terrifyingly unique and uncomfortable, yes. And committed to healing and looking back on this: yes.

*(Misophonia definition taken from http://www.misophonia-association.org/)

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It is with great creative joy and intensity that we share with you the newest music video for the song, World On Fire off the coming record, WE.ANIMALS. (drops on April 14th).

This is for you, Great Blessed Holy Mother Earth. Please keep breathing, so we can keep breathing.

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We are very pleased to announce the full lineup for our album release show on May 7th at The Independent!!! LILA ROSE including the full band, feat. Squid Inc quartet LYNX and the Servants of Song MARIEE SIOUX Tickets are already selling fast, so get your advanced discounted tickets. Good lord I’m excited!!!! Get your tickets: https://www.ticketfly.com/purchase/event/789659 Facebook event page: https://www.facebook.com/events/1403703313274059/

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The cover for the coming record WE.ANIMALS. is unveiled today!!!!

The album goes out in North America on April 14th, UK on April 13th, and the album release show will be at The Independent SF on May 7th 2015. Tickets go on sale this Friday Feb 27th!

"WHY IS SHE HOLDING A GUN TO HER HEAD?"

We kept it dark and shaded because I have realized over the years how many young fans I have. I want mom and dad to be able to show the kids the album cover, without having to notice all of it. Right away. Until you look a little closer.

Yes, I do want you to use your own imagination, and I do want the image to speak for itself, but I also had a really hard time accepting that this was the image I was being "given" by the forces that be. I fought with it alot like "REALLY?! You want my album cover to have a picture of me with a friggin GUN pointed to my head?!?" I'm not a big lover of guns, as you can likely imagine if you know anything about me at all. I do not support violence of any kind, to any type of living creature... or not living for that matter. I'm not into guns and I'm not into violence, but they are a real part of our world, and very symbolic to the meaning of this coming record.

One cannot argue with the higher powers. As a creative, it is our mission to listen to the finite messages and simply DO IT, understanding and accepting that not everyone will get it, understand it, and some people might even be offended by it.

I've come to terms with it at this point, and it's ok with me.

Be offended enough to ask the question "WHAT.DOES.THIS.MEAN?" Be curious and bothered enough to look again and wonder even further... "hmmmm, what could this possibly mean?"

Let me tell you, for the very few people who venture here to my tumblr site. You obviously cared enough to look and ask, and so I will tell. Let the rest of the people come to their own conclusions- perfect. I do enjoy the mystery of art and its' creators, however because the theme and messages embedded in this coming album are so important to me, I wanted to lay it out here for the curious ones, so there is no question about it.

It is simple, really:

If we kill "them" (the animals, the wild ones, our beloved family), if we kill and destroy the Earth, we are essentially killing ourselves. It is a mass suicide.

Hence the gun, and the exploding animals out of my head.

We tried sooooo many different images before landing with this one, but this essentially gave the message I wanted to give, although it brought up a ton of fear to put an image of a gun to my head, ON THE FRIGGIN COVER!

But there it is: dark, barely noticeable, but there nonetheless.

Let us love one another, love our surrounding environment, and the plentitude of beautiful creatures which essentially give us life. Let us give it back to them, protect them, love them- as we would to our own children.

<3 Lila

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fuckyeah-animalrights:

Thankyou so so much fuckyeah-animalrights for posting our new video on your page! It means so much to me for the content of the song to be recognized for its' messages.

<3

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Confessions is the first song/video by animal rights activist Lila Rose off the new coming concept album, WE.ANIMALS. which is the merging of music, and the worlds of environmental and animal rights.

Confessions looks at more of the the environmental aspects- a plea to humanity to stop the horrendous measures of destroying our earth and its beautiful creatures. In my own special indie-rockish creative way.

The full album will be out in early 2015.

www.lilarosemusic.com

#weanimals #confessions #animalrights and #music #environmentalrights #fuckyeahanimalrights

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CONFESSIONS: LYRICS

Just about a month ago we put out a new video, Confessions, which was the first off of the coming album, WE.ANIMALS. We chose this song as an appetizer for conceptual purposes- no, it’s not a dance track, and it may not even be the “best” song on the coming record, but we chose it because of its’ introduction to some of the various themes which are to come.

Lyrics are a big deal to me, and I invest a great deal of time into the words I write (although it takes me a VERY long time to delve into the lyrics of other peoples' songs strangely). 

I also know I have a tendency to NOT articulate when I am singing, and so I hear alot of people singing along to different lyrics- which is super adorable. Buttttttt for those of you who have been asking, here are the lyrics to the new song- which play a huge role in interpreting the actual meaning of visuals in our new video. I will not however, dissect the meaning of the words any further- to me… it’s obvious. To you, it's whatever it needs to be! INjoy!

CONFESSIONS

I’m calling, know you hear me

So I’m pleading, please forgive me

Cause there’s something, I’ve been aching

To confess

All of this mess is

All

It’s all of Ours

I’m just one, but I’m trying

And I’m needing, your good help

So please show me, the way back to

To remind them

All of this mess

Is

All

It’s all ours

Too late some say, but I say Never

Easy escape, won’t work

This time 

What did you expect, who did you think

Who to blame who to frame

When this all this mess is 

All

It’s all of ours

  The video can be seen here:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LWJR4ZxwkAs

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<3

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Confessions - Lila Rose

Confessions is the first music video off the coming album entitled WE.ANIMALS. by Lila Rose, produced musically, and directed visually by Daniel Garcia.  This video in particular deals with the dire levels of plastic threatening to suffocate us and our earth. Lila Rose is weaving bridges between visual art, music, and activism; this piece is an appetizer for some of the environmental themes offered in this forthcoming conceptual record, which will be out early 2015.

lilarosemusic.com

http://lilarosemusic.tumblr.com/

http://youtube.com/singlilarose

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OUR VIDEO, THEIR ROOF: the making of Confessions

WATCH CONFESSIONS HERE

We are often invited to far off new environments, taken away by what can appear to be a seamless, effortless mirage of creative beauty. Obviously, the truth of film is that it is incredibly complex, and difficult to navigate as a means of transferring an image in your mind, into real life.

By the way, I know close to nothing about the technicalities of film… all I know is I have insane ideas sometimes, and then I see what it takes to pull them off (or not pull them off in a lot of cases unfortunately). And then usually my main collaborator, Daniel Garcia, makes it happen.

Oh, and also... for the crazy ideas I have in my head a lot of the time (say, like… covering a forest in recycled plastic, and then making it all disappear)… this takes budget! Oh, right… and we work with incredibly small budgets compered to what “real” film often requires. So yeah, that adds another layer of “special” circumstances to pulling off our visions.

Ok, so the story of the making of Confessions:

First off, Confessions was only made possible because we had a bad ass 25 person crew from set builders, lighting technicians, producers, makeup, to costume design, assistants, to dancers. By the way they were all Guatemalan and mostly only spoke spanish (minus a few). This was not the easiest thing in the world.

Back story to Guatemala: they don’t recycle. Atleast not the way we know recycling (in North America- ok, only parts of America). This means EVERYTHING… I mean EVERYTHING goes into the trash. Banana peels, glass bottles, plastic bags, todos. It’s kinda painful.

Back story to moi: I definitely recycle. I consider myself an environmental activist, and so every little thing I do, I certainly consider the environmental impact, and how to reduce it best as possible.

So, the issue with me envisioning this whole landscape covered in plastic, was that I refused to purchase all new plastic. Cause yeah, that’s OPPOSITE the message I was looking for. My incredible team down there, headed by director Daniel Garcia, busted ass to collect used bottles from different individuals who pick bottles from trash to make extra moola (which is likely how they feed their families).

It took about 2 weeks of building for the plastic world (nevermind the time it took to collect the plastic bits). I think I cut about 100 of those recycled plastic bottles using a weird metal cutting machine, while Ericka Moller, our art director washed all the nasty yucks out of the old bottles.

Confessions was shot in the surrounding forests of Laguna del Pino, about 1.5 hours outside of Guatemala city.

We set up all day (ok, WE, as in the crew… not me. I was busy doing every other thing) shot from after the sun went down, about 8:30pm at that time, until the sun started to come up. So yeah, we were up alllll night, and then tried to get some sunny zzz’s in between our two shooting days.

My vision certainly started quite huge, but slowly as we started realizing the immense issues with covering a forest in plastic (like urrr the fact that trees are like… huge. Helllo), we slowly started minimizing, and simplifying the idea until it was something quite like what you can now watch on YouTube.(Watch it HERE NOW)

Oh yeah, except for this little issue:

We got things looking pretty good- the crew had been on location for about 12 hours covering the forest in our plastic pieces. Everything seemed to be running on time. Except for one issue: we chose to shoot this video in a special 10 day period in the rainy season called Canicula. It’s really pretty wild- but the same ten days every year, there is a dry spell between the torrential rains that normally grace the incredible country at this time in July.

When I arrived in Guatemala (after a month of planning), I asked the ingenious question “soooo… how do they determine that these same ten days will actually remain rain free every year”. Right. They don’t.

So back to the story: 

Day 1, we come up the last winding hill, up and over into a dark cloud. And 30 minutes later, into torrential rains. Onto the 12 hour set made of plastic. Ok… the plastic part was kind of the only up side- it was like a raincoat… but it really wasn’t meant to be torn apart, covered in wet tree sap, and drenched.

We all huddled in the small tent we had rented (thankyou to our producer, Aniella Rosenberg for insisting we get this!)… everything had to be moved into cars since the ground became drenched, as there was ofcourse, no floor in this big open tent of ours.

I had to remove myself and sit in the car and watch. And pray. And pray some more. And call my mom and ask her to pray.

Thankfully, about 3 hours later, the rains subsided, and the rebuilding took place. Point being: the set you see had been built, destroyed, covered in rain fall, and then rebuilt the best we could manage. It was intense. But we made it through!

Our dancers: firstly, I personally never met them until they showed up on set for makeup and costume. They turned out to be incredibly talented (clearly), and stunningly played their roles beyond expectations. 

They were good sports for the most part, but I cannot blame them for being totally over it at the end of night two. They did wonderfully at living my weird and uncomfortable dreamscape with me. Naked, and inhaling their own plastic infused sweat and bark. We had to cut breathing holes so they didn't suffocate. Seriously.

One of my favorite parts of our shoot was our chef, who, in the middle of this forest, found a cool roofed area, where he set up a table with a table cloth, beautiful huge crystals, and candles with delicious, all vegan food, and all night chai.

Note about Guatemala: vegan is not a common word, especially in Guatemala City where our Chef runs his VEGAN restaurant, Shasta, the only vegan restaurant.

To book end this lovely story:

When we arrived on the location by the lake, the ground was filthy. It was simply coverrreddd in crap. Crap everywhere. Candy wrappers, ice bags, chip bags, used diapers (yes, yuck), it was just nasty. Unfortunately many parts of the country are like this due to many political issues. It is fairly filthy.

I personally spent the first couple hours upon arrival, just cleaning the land. We wanted to leave it cleaner than we found it. Victoria, our incredible costume designer, Daniel and I filled 3 garbage bags full of garbage, and left the place looking a ton better than how we found it.

The end part is this:

After having cleaned up our set at the end of the shoot (at 5am after a whole night of shooting), we made a huge burrito of all our plastic world. We used a large piece of black thick plastic to wrap it up. We had no room to fit it in our vehicles, and so left it for pick up the next day. Daniel went there one day later to pick up the enormous plastic burrito to return it to the personal recyclers, to find a huge mess. Someone actually stole the large piece of plastic holding all our set pieces together… it was a mess all over again!

But it was sort of a tragically beautiful poignant ending to our story: the complete tragedy, that someone needed to steal a piece of plastic, likely worth a few bucks, likely to build  or patch their roof, while we write our visual story about the trouble we find ourselves in environmentally and socially in this strange trippy plastic covered life called evolution.

I do imagine a happy family, with a new plastic patched roof, while we watch our video from our cozy California homes.

  The contrast. 

The reality.

.Confessions.

Watch the new video HERE

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Mongolian Girls continuing the 6000-year-old tradition

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Our first single/video, "Confessions" off of the coming album, WE.ANIMALS. will be out on Oct 28th!

Really excited to start sharing bits and pieces of this album... it means so much to my heart to share these messages and creative visions!