anhedoniamayhavelived

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New fic time !!

(don’t worry I’ll still keep updating call your mom, but I’m very excited to work on this one too)

Title: effortlessly, I feel everything

Summary:

What can Death possibly find more entertaining than the unknown?

Or, A year later, Ponyboy Curtis is given a chance to go back in time and fix everything.

Main Tags: Time Travel AU, Hurt comfort, PTSD

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After updating Call Your Mom here’s a little blurb that I wrote up that I also wanted to include, but couldn’t find a good place to add it since the story is in Ponyboys POV

!! Warnings for Attempted Suicide !!

Two-Bit Matthews and Steve Randle found themselves staring at the bathroom floor the day after it happened.

They had driven back to the house after Ponyboy had been found. Darry, his voice trembling behind Sodapop’s uncontrollable sobbing, had muttered that they needed a few things for when Pony woke up—if he woke up.

None of them had been sure for a long time if he even would.

By the time Darry and Sodapop had found him, they were convinced he was already gone. He’d looked so pale, almost lifeless. Two-Bit didn’t think he’d ever forget the sight of Darry and Soda standing in that hospital hallway, still covered in blood. Darry had tears streaming silently down his face, his gaze distant and haunted. Sodapop, on the other hand, was a wreck, completely inconsolable as he clung to his older brother.

The news about what Ponyboy had done hit everyone differently. Johnny had flinched like he’d been struck. Dallas and Steve had flat-out denied it, refusing to believe it—until Darry gave them a look so cold and cutting that it shut them up instantly.

But Two-Bit? He should’ve known.

He’d sat with Ponyboy on the bathroom floor just a week earlier, listening to the kid sob his heart out. He’d known something was wrong—he’d felt it. So why the hell hadn’t he done something? Why had he just… kept his mouth shut?

The house still smelled like iron when they walked inside. The scent hit Two-Bit like a punch to the gut, metallic and sharp, and he was suddenly grateful that it was him and Steve who had come back instead of Johnny—or, God forbid, one of Ponyboy’s brothers.

Steve headed toward the bedroom to grab some sweatshirts while Two-Bit walked into the kitchen to grab the ibuprofen Darry had requested. He was rummaging through the cabinets when he heard Steve’s voice, sharp and horrified, echo from down the hallway.

“Jesus fucking Christ.”

Two-Bit froze, the pill bottle halfway to the bag. He set it down and hurried into the hallway.

“What—” His words died in his throat as he turned the corner and saw the bathroom.

The floor was stained with rust-colored streaks, the dried remnants of blood smeared against the tile. The sink, the tub, and the space between them looked like a battlefield. A discarded towel lay crumpled on the floor, stiff with dried crimson, and the air was thick with the stench of copper.

For a long moment, Two-Bit couldn’t move. He couldn’t even breathe.

Steve had a hand clamped over his mouth, his face pale, his eyes wide with shock. He looked like he might throw up, and after a second, he muttered something under his breath and turned to leave the hallway. Two-Bit didn’t blame him.

But he stayed.

The scene blurred in his vision as he stepped into the bathroom, his boots squeaking faintly against the tiled floor. His chest felt hollow, like the air had been knocked out of him.

Somewhere in the back of his mind, he thought about how Ponyboy had sat right here—on this floor, by this tub—and made the decision to give up. He could’ve called Two-Bit, but he had chosen not to. He thought this would be better than saying a single word to his friend. Could Two-Bit even call himself a friend knowing that?

Why didn’t I stop this?

Two-Bit grabbed an old sponge from under the sink and began scrubbing. The blood came off in streaks, staining the water a sickly pink as it pooled on the floor. The harder he scrubbed, the more his hands shook, and Steve’s voice—quiet, almost hesitant—came from the doorway.

“Man, you don’t gotta—”

“Don’t.” Two-Bit’s voice was low and sharp, and Steve fell silent.

He didn’t stop scrubbing. Not even when his arms ached, not even when the blood was mostly gone, leaving faint stains on the flat surfaces. The tile looked clean now, sure, but the memory of it—what had happened here—would never really go away.

The bathroom was as spotless as he could make it, but to Two-Bit, it felt tainted. Forever.

And he couldn’t shake the guilt. It clung to him, suffocating and unrelenting, as he stared at the faint, stubborn stains left behind.

The bathroom was clean. But Ponyboy wasn’t.

And neither was he.

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˖☆ COWBOYS ☆˖

⭐*⁠.⁠✧

…(⁠人⁠ ⁠•͈⁠ᴗ⁠•͈⁠) asks are being reopened next week. I was sick. — R☆

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Excerpt for chapter 12 of Call your Mom

““Morning,” Darry shoved a plate of eggs and toast at him as he ran around trying to get all of his things together for work.

Ponyboy cringed a little at the sight, pretending to take the plate and setting off to the side while Darry was running around.

“I thought you were off today?” He asked, shoving around the food while looking up at him.

Darry grabbed his shirt shoving it on and seemingly looking around for something before Ponyboy got up from the table. He walked over to the basket on the counter, he didn’t even have to look as he reached in and pulled out Darry’s wallet.

“Where’s—“ Ponyboy tossed him the wallet before sitting back down as his brother's face broke out into a relieved grin. “Thanks, Pone.”

Ponyboy forced a smile as Darry pocketed the wallet and grabbed his keys.

“Picked up some extra shifts,” Darry said, almost like he owed him an explanation.

Ponyboy frowned, pushing his eggs around on the plate. “I could get a job too, y’know.”

Darry’s “No” was quick, clipped, like he’d been expecting the question. His gaze softened, but there was still a hint of warning there. “We’ve talked about this.”

Ponyboy clenched his jaw, biting back his retort. He wanted to argue, to tell Darry he noticed the way he winced whenever he bent down or how he rubbed his back after long shifts. But he knew where that would lead.

“Fine,” he muttered, irritation that he knew was mostly from not sleeping coming in.

Darry walked over, his expression softening as he crouched down so he could meet Ponyboy’s eyes. His hand landed firmly on Ponyboy’s shoulder, grounding him, even if he felt like a little kid whenever Darry did it.

“Look, I know you want to help, but I’ve got this,” Darry said quietly. “You just worry about getting ready for college, okay?”

Ponyboy nodded, eyes fixed on the countertop. Darry gave his shoulder a quick squeeze before standing up, casting one last look at the untouched plate.

“Do me a favor and eat that, alright? You don’t need to be losing any more weight.”

“Sure.” He said it just to end the conversation, but the food stayed where it was, untouched.”

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There are a few songs that I heavily gained inspiration for Call your Mom on and here they are (I hope they make you sob too)

(Honestly all of these remind me of Ponyboy in general)

Not by Big Thief

Call Your Mom by Noah Kahan

Why am I like this? By Oral Gratland

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"darry became the adult when he started to pay bills, when he went to pony's parent teacher conference, when he-"

no. he became the adult that night.

that night when he was asked to go and identify the bodies. that night when he left alone in his truck. that night when he asked Dally to watch pony and soda, as well as everyone else, while he was away. that night when he drove to the scene, viewing the wreckage and whatever remained. that night when he picked at the broken window glass from the family car, causing his to bleed from his palm. that night when he drove to the station to confirm those were his parents. that night when he got back in his truck and started the drive home. that night when he stopped midway, unable to see through his tears. that night when he parked the truck in the front of their house, wiping whatever tears he had left. that night when he walked into their living room, looking at pony and soda, asleep on the couch, both with tear stained faces. that night when he thanked Dally for staying with them. that night when he said, "I've got it from here."

that night.

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One time Darry hit Ponyboy with his truck as he was backing out of the driveway.

It was really early, so he was still half-awake and just not paying attention and then boom. He hits something.

He was going slow, so Ponyboy was fine. He just got knocked over and skinned his knee and elbow.

Darry felt really bad about it and brought him home some ice cream that night to say sorry, so Ponyboy basically had to forgive him.

Despite that, the gang will never let him live it down. Every time Darry drives with one of them in the truck they'll go, "Make sure you don't run over Ponyboy, AGAIN.”

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A collection of my favorite SE Hinton Outsiders tweets:

BONUS: the multitude of tweets correcting ppl that sodapops real name is just soda. pony was "exaggerating" when he made the birth certificate comment to cherry.

(rusty-james is 14 mind you 😭)

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I JUST FOUND OUT THAT MRS. CURTIS IS NAMED KAREN AFTER CALLING HER MARY IN MY FIC (I couldn’t find her name 😭)

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Objectively speaking, the fanfic I’m reading is not good, but my goodness, it’s made my afternoon that much more enjoyable

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I want to be friends with people from the Outsiders fandom. And people who really like Darry, for who he is and not because he's the helpful guy who takes care of his brothers. Come on guys,Darry is an amazing character.

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After I finish, call your mom I’ve been thinking about a story for a long time that would be a cowboys/RDR AU for the outsiders buttt i’m not sure if I should do it or not 

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All time favorite back to back comments

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Yesterday there was a guy that was probably on some drugs just spread out on the ground while I was driving and I panicked and almost swerved the car TOWARDS him and my sister had to grab the wheel and scream at me to break which feels very Pony and Darry core 🙂‍↕️

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Excerpt for Chapter 8 of Call your Mom

“The guilt gnawed at Ponyboy, an ache deep in his chest that wouldn’t let go. He was the one who had scared them, the one who had almost left them behind. How could he let that go?

“I didn’t mean for any of this,” he said, the words slipping out before he could stop them.

Darry’s hand stilled, and for a moment, there was silence.

“I didn’t mean to…” Ponyboy’s voice caught in his throat, and he swallowed hard. “To make everything worse. For you. For Soda.”

Darry shifted under him, propping himself up slightly so he could look down at his brother. There was something raw in his eyes, something that made Ponyboy’s chest tighten.

“You didn’t make anything worse,” Darry said slowly, deliberately. “You’re my kid brother, and I’m not losing you. Not now. Not ever.”

Ponyboy’s eyes burned with tears, but he didn’t let them fall. He felt like a little kid again, crawling into his big brother’s bed after a bad dream, needing to feel safe. He hadn’t felt safe in a long time. But here, with Darry’s arms around him, it was almost like before.

“Will it get better?” Ponyboy whispered, his voice barely audible.

Darry was quiet for a long moment, his hand resting on the back of Ponyboy’s neck, a solid, comforting weight. “I don’t know,” he said honestly, his voice thick. “I hope so. I really do, little buddy.”

Ponyboy pressed his face into Darry’s chest, feeling the steady thrum of his heartbeat under his cheek and nodded once. They laid there in the quiet, the weight of their words hanging in the air between them. It wasn’t perfect, and it didn’t fix everything. But it was enough for now. Darry’s arms around him, the steady sound of his breathing, the warmth of his body—it was enough to make Ponyboy feel like he wasn’t completely lost.”

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Excerpt for chapter 6 of Call your mom

By the time the credits rolled, Ponyboy hadn’t absorbed half of the movie, his mind tangled up in a mess of memories and worries he couldn’t shake. He stood up slowly, wiping his palms on his jeans as he shuffled out with the rest of the crowd. The sun was still bright when he stepped outside, the warmth hitting him like a slap.

He hadn’t realized how much time had passed.

As he walked, his thoughts lingered on the heavy weight of Darry’s words, on the fights they’d had, the expectations neither of them knew how to talk about. Ponyboy’s heartbeat quickened as he rounded a corner, moving deeper into the nicer neighborhoods. The air felt thick, and the growing sense of unease settled back over him like a heavy blanket.

He finally reached closer to his side of town, sighing in relief as the streets got familiar and the restaurants held memories in his mind. But that didn’t help much because that’s when he heard the sound of a car rolling up.

Faint, but unmistakable. His pulse spiked.

Ponyboy glanced over his shoulder, the sound of distant voices growing closer. He could feel the panic starting to bubble up in his chest.

It was happening again.

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Excerpt for chapter 5 of Call Your Mom

“Johnny let out a quiet laugh, barely enough for anyone else to catch, but Ponyboy noticed. It wasn’t something he heard often—Johnny being at ease, even in the middle of all this. Hearing it made some of the tension Ponyboy had been carrying start to melt away.

“Lookin’ a little green there Dal, you sure you don’t want me to hold your hair back?” Ponyboy said, the words slipping out before he could stop them. For a moment, he hesitated, realizing he might have been intruding on something. He wasn’t Johnny, after all—Dally could pop him if he felt like it.

Johnny and Dally both turned to him, caught off guard. Johnny’s brow lifted just a little, while Dally’s smirk deepened. For a second, Ponyboy thought maybe he’d gone too far, but Johnny gave Dally a light nudge with his elbow, like he couldn’t believe what he’d just heard.

“Well, well, look who’s got jokes now.” Dally muttered, staring at Ponyboy with mock seriousness before shaking his head, the faintest grin tugging at his lips. “Brats—the both of yous.”

Ponyboy ducked his head, feeling a warmth that wasn’t from the whiskey or the night air. While Johnny stilifed a laugh, ducking Dally who tried to drunkenly swipe at him. Ponyboy was just glad Dally wasn’t pissed, even if that might’ve been because of the alcohol. Johnny grinned back at him, like he’d been waiting for Ponyboy to let loose.

“You’ve been hanging out with Two-Bit too much,” he said, his voice soft, but the amusement clear.

Ponyboy shrugged, feeling lighter than he had all night. It wasn’t much—just a joke between them—but it meant something. For once, the weight of the day didn’t feel so heavy, and the three of them stood there, side by side on the porch, with the sound of muffled music and laughter drifting out from inside.

Dally glanced between them, his eyes still hazy from the booze, but there was something else there too—something softer. Maybe it was the alcohol loosening him up, or maybe it was the way Johnny was standing there, more relaxed than he’d been in a long while. In the whole year, really.

Whatever it was, Dally let himself grin a little wider, almost like he was glad to see them like this. Not so guarded.

Not so damn scared all the time.”