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angsty-teen-with-an-angsty-peen · 7 years

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“Da Kurse of Da Cylo”

(Based on an impromptu story I told to a bunch of rape victims from Albany)

By Angsty Teen (profesional writter)

Prologue: A Stupid Fucking Child Gets Fucking Bored

One day, I got sick after eating chocolate off the floor while my friends were trying to pour holy water on my face. I am now at home, with no one else in sight. My father has left for work and my siblings went to learn more about nursing and how it is not fucking worth it to work here. I am alone with my thoughts and no one can hear them. After a barrage of anti-sematic thoughts, I got immediately bored. “What should I do while my insides turn inside out?” I thought to myself. After a few seconds, however, I had a realization. No one was here to see me do ANYTHING. I could do all that I want. I could look at girls, stare at girls, or wait for the girls to look away so I can gaze at their bottoms. I decided to watch Star Wars: The Last Jedi.

Chapter 1: He Comes (haha ew it’s a semen jok)

I was readying my arsenal to view the entertainment called “Star Wars: The Last Jedi” using a DVD that I stole from a quadriplegic kid with Down Syndrome who only got it because of the stupid Make-A-Wish Foundation. On my left hand, a bucket to store Koko Crunch as I realized that I do not have popcorn, the staple food for movie watching, and had to degrade to eating pathetic cereals (Oh, woe was me.). On my right, a copy of the script of a movie as the DVD did not have subtitles for a curious reason (note that it’s for A movie as it is actually just the script of “Who Killed Captain Alex?”). I threw the disc in the DVD player. I got worried that I accidentally broke the disc whilst throwing it but I was relieved at the fact that it did not break and I gently pushed it into the DVD player and began watching the movie that was have labelled as “Star Wars: The…SPOOKY Jedi”?!?!? As the movie began playing, it showed a poorly edited picture of the movie poster of the movie that replaced “Last” with “Spooky” and even though it concerned me, I moved on with the watching of the movie. Everything seemed fine but the further the movie kept on playing, the more suspicious I had about the validity of this DVD copy. First of all, various scenes were glitching and the audio was either warped, low quality, or from a porno starring Ron Jeremy. That’s when it happened. During the scene when Kylo Ren was shirtless, he just stared at me with his swollen body and said, “You are going to die.” I was terrified not only by the god-tier quality of his succulent man breasts, but also how it looked like the threat was said directly to me. After that, the television turned off in an instant, and my heartbeat stopped at the moment it did. Immediately, my Lightsaber vibrator kept turning on and off. “No, not now.” I thought to myself to ensure the seriousness of this situation that is taking place and instead just kept it in my pocket to immediately use it after the situation has concluded. Also, my phone started to ring and ring with an unfamiliar ring tone. As I picked up my phone and accepted the call, I asked,

“Hello, who might this be?”

“This is me, Kylo Ren” said Kylo Ren, “and I’m going to kill you.”

Before I was able to gasp and exclaim “Egads!” someone was knocking at my door. I rushed to the door to attend to the person at need as it would be rude not to respond. At the front of my door was what appeared to be a harmless mailman. After further inspection of his well-sculpted body, I began to ask questions.

“Excuse me, Mr. Mailman. Why must you be here without any mail in your satchel? Even if you are done with your job, why must you reside to this location as you were not personally invited by any of the hosts of this establishment?”

The mailman growled and responded, “You do not get it, do you? IT IS I, KYLO REN, THE PERSON WHO WILL NOW DECIDE YOUR FATE AND MY DECISION IS…” as his face melts to form his lightsaber “YOUR LIFE WILL END TODAY.”

Chapter 2: OH SHIT FUCK WHAT THE FUCK DON’T HURT ME JESUS CHRIST

I walked towards my house at a brisk pace to try to escape from the reach of Kylo Ren’s lightsaber. Fortunately, as his eyes and mouth have melted into his lightsaber, I am confident I can hide somewhere and he will never find out. Unfortunately, I have chosen poorly in wearing my Japanese wooden slippers whilst walking on a ceramic tile and Kylo Ren could hear me with his ears. I decided to walk faster to the 2nd floor of the building. To my dismay, I was too focused on my fashionable pair of geta sandals that I have cornered myself in my own bedroom. Kylo Ren was able to catch up to me as he ran and my house is actually not that big. Kylo exclaims in confidence,

“There is nowhere to run, boy. I have you now!”

“W-w-wait, Mr. Kylo, how are you able to talk w-w-with your face melting and such?”

Kylo slowly raises his lightsaber to reveal his eyes and mouth are still in their solid state.

“Wow, that’s pretty cool.” I said, mildly impressed. “You should put that in the new Star Wars”

“I’m not George Lucas.”

“Okay, tell Mr. Star Wars to add that in.”

“I can’t, I killed him.”

“WAIT WHAT?! ARE YOU SURE, LET ME CALL HIM” I quickly grabbed my phone and called George Lucas.

“Hello, Mr. Lucas. Oh, you’re the mother ~hello… well, that was George Lucas’ mother and she’s crying her eyes out.”

As I said those words, Kylo Ren was already “all up in my shit” and was ready to attack but I was able to dodge it after all those training from all those anime fight compilation videos. I immediately leaped out of Kylo’s range and hit the window, bursting through. Moments later, I just realized that I am now out of my house, flailing amongst the glass shards. I landed on the front yard, the shards somehow only have touched my legs. As I was limping away from my house, I heard another window break. It was Kylo Ren, following me. His pose made it look like as if he was flying gracefully yet with a fierce spirit. His eyes, which are on his lightsaber, were piercing my soul like daggers and his ~ and he smashed headfirst into the ground… and only broke his legs. What was supposed to an intense chase like what would you see in multiple horror movies was just 2 injured wackos limping across the street. After 10 seconds of chasing each other with broken legs, we decided to go to the hospital to treat our legs. Fortunately, as Kylo Ren was a famous star, he was able to pay our medical bill. After our recovery, we immediately went out of the hospital to continue the chase. As the gentleman that he is, he allowed me to have a 10-minute head start. Thus, I ran… I ran so far away and ended up AT MY FUCKING HOUSE AGAIN GODDAMMIT.

Final Chapter: What the genuine fuck is going on?

Here I am, facing my wretched house once more. I can see Kylo Ren’s beautiful head just over the horizon. He’s approaching and I have no idea what to do. But it was too late, Kylo Ren was holding down the Shift button and was able to reach me in mere seconds.

“We shall finally end this~ what happened to your house?” said Kylo Ren, utterly confused.

“Goddammit, I forgot to lock the door before we left for the hospital and someone took all of my stuff.”

“Oh, don’t worry. Let’s just call the authorities. They can help you recover your lost items and apprehend the culprit.”

“Oh yeah, good idea.”

I grabbed my phone and eagerly pressed the numbers 9 and 1 twice. It only felt like mere seconds that we were at the police station and they have already found possible suspects. They asked us to see the suspects and determine who did it (Which was obviously pointless as we weren’t there during the incident). At the interrogation room, we were told that they found 3 suspects: Han Solo’s shambling corpse, Chewbacca, and a porg~ hold on, where is the porg? We were confused as to who did it, but we were able to immediately make a unanimous decision. We all stared at Chewbacca. As it turns out, however, Chewbacca was a sleeper agent that the police didn’t recognized and was assigned to assassinate the porg, who WAS the thief. We all were happy that the stupid fucking porg is now dead. For Chewbacca’s outstanding performance, they prepared a ceremony just for him the next day and awarded him a medal of some sorts. During Chewbacca’s speech that wasn’t spoken with his language as we all know that he was just muttering the whole time, Kylo Ren and I decided to have a talk.

“Well, here we are.” Said Kylo Ren.

“Yeah, what an adventure, huh?”

“Mhm… which made me think: Do I really have to kill you”

Kylo Ren stared at me with eyes, which are still on the lightsaber, and tried to lean in for a kiss. A kiss that would last for ages. A kiss that would be remembered as the kiss of the century. A kiss that would be told to our adopted children. I leaned even closer to his mouth, which was on the light~ you get the point, and began to prepare my lips. Not for the kiss, however. For a whisper.

“No… but I do.” I whispered in his ear as I stabbed him with my lightsaber dildo. Just like that, Kylo Ren was no more. His melted face was somehow even more lifeless than before. “I have won.” I said to myself. “I have killed that disgusting, filthy, abomination of a character” I have never felt so happy in my life. That surge of happiness was short-lived, however, as I realized that I murdered Kylo during the ceremony, in front of everyone.

Epilogue

…and that’s how I got arrested. I was sentenced to 50 years in prison. Despite that, they let me go after a week as they forgot what I even did. To be honest, I don’t remember, either. I would look at the text again but I couldn’t bother. I got sick from eating chocolate off the floor while my friends were trying to pour holy water on my face. I decided to go home and maybe watch a movie.

#I hated making this #star wars #kylo ren #creepypasta

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