andsheneverstopstalking

[andsheneverstopstalking]

Maybe you would be happier with someone else. Maybe loving is the reason you can't love yourself. Before I turn your heart into a Ghost town, show me everything we built so I can tear it all down. Down. Down, down, down.

This song has a deep effect on me lately. Is feeling this way a reflection of me, or am I just empathetic?

[andsheneverstopstalking]

What is the Point of Anything?

If it's not on social media, it didn't happen.

If I go to the gym I can go drinking tonight.

I work hard and then spend half of my money on brunch.

Cycle. Living. in it. Something has to give.

Living in this country does not help. Where is our voice?

This country has it all backwards. here are better ways to live, healthier ways to act, deeper ways t love.If only our natural response as a society was to care more and actually be a little bit selfless.

If we loved and cared for our youth there would be a difference.

Finding my purpose and figuring out what I am meant to do really and truly in this world seems impossible right now.

I don't even know if I am happy. But I sure try to be every single day.

Confused and little bit lost.

[andsheneverstopstalking]

I hate feeling like this. Unwanted. Forgotten. The last person to be invited anywhere. I feel like I do so much. If I do one wrong thing, it defines everything about me. I don't know why this happens to me over and over again. Maybe it's not real friendship. Maybe it's just wishful thinking. But at the end of the day, it hurts.

[andsheneverstopstalking]

Fuck AI. Why does it take 3 days to speak to Customer Service just for them to not understand you and provide more online forms for you to file complaints about? Our future looks meak with these AI programs taking over creativity, art and these freelance jobs. I myself use ChaptGPT from time to time but would never use it daily. I'm overwhelmed by the AI generated posts and the automatic editing programs. If we cannot be ourselves and be creative then what is the point of being an artist??? Instead of creating AI that helps us with mundane chores that take time away from our creativity, we are allowing these AI devices to take time from our creative work so we have time to put laundry away. Keeping us suppressed exactly where we spent generations trying to escape. FUCK AI

#artificialintelligence #fuckAI #whoneedsrobot #RobotsAreNotArtists

[andsheneverstopstalking]

Not Good Enough

I feel I have no purpose. Not a real one anyway. I spent majority of my days counting down the hours until I can sleep, then when those hours arrive I wish to have the day again. I'm not depressed but I'm not happy. I'm not dissatisfied, but I'm not over the moon with my projects and productivity. I want to be happy and I want to feel light and love daily. I don't know if I can properly feel. I think I'm numb.

[andsheneverstopstalking]

Back to Astoria

I did not think I would return to this neighborhood. Yet here I am in my 2 bedroom apartment two blocks from Steinway.

I did not think that I would be with a breakdancer. Yet here I am building a life with this breaker I love and adore.

I did not think I would still be in NYC in 2024. Yet that is exactly what is happening.

I love my new apartment. It feels like home already. I know in my bones that this apartment will be life changing in a way.

My love for this apartment is not attached to Lu. Yet it feels like it was.

Back to the same gym membership. Yet, I pay twice as much now.

Back to fighting with the person I love and trust the most in this world. Yet, he says he still loves me.

Feeling like shit because I know I blew it. Yet, staying away from him is so hard.

[andsheneverstopstalking]

A Saturday Off

May 6, 2023

I started my day early and excited to go get Rush tickets for Dancing'. One of my dance friends Stephanie said she'd go with me. So on my way out the door I realize I can't take the N or W as there was none. Not knowing about the shuttle buses I marched my self down to the R train, which was a 20 minute walk or 5 minutes till the bus! Woah! I am running on down. keeping my spirits up as I made the bus right not time.

.04 miles. I am so thankful because I just realized I wore my vans.

Miss the train by 5 second maybe, because I didn't get off the right stop.

45 minutes later I find myself in line right before the box office opened upset I was not one of the first people in line. I was delighted to see that there was like maybe 10 people in line and I had hope!

20 minutes later we find ourselves with our $40 rush tickets to see Dancin' at 8 pm, walking on down to brunch in Chelsea.

25 minutes and 1.5 miles. We are putting our names in for a table for two at Citizens of Chelsea and watching Lu's live battles in Spain. My legs hurt but my stomach hurts more.

10 quick minutes later we are sitting at the window- literally facing another table and the outdoors, ordering some food. I ate some bacon today. It was wild.

An hour later we are heading down to 14th street to take Vive's dance class.

3o minutes and 2.2 miles. A class filled with spirals and lightness. I felt weightless in class. I was thankful for New York City and it being my home. We ended class in a circle and I enjoy my clean space in the corners. I'm going to miss taking dance class with Stephanie! Vive's class is such a challenge but it is everything.

1.5 hours - plus 15 minutes buffer after changing - we start walking towards Washington square park for lemonade after Vive switched his mind from coffee ( coffee-less weekend for me. yay) Feet. Are. Super. Aching.

7 minutes later, we see a protest and turn left immediately. Found ourselves at Thai Terminal. A mango mimosa and scallion pancake cubes later and we are out the door heading to the train.

Stephanie and I head to 14th Street Union Square and stumble upon the Cannabis Rally. People getting high and just talking about freeing the people incarcerated for weed. It was busy, smelled good and was a cool & raw experience.

10 minutes later and we are on the train heading home. I was so thankful to find the shuttle that time. Home- Change- Head to the city again.

Ya girl made one mistake. I worn heels.

20 minutes and .8 miles. I walk now down to the R. WHY !? I could have worn flats!!!!! Had I known that after the musical I would have taken the bus the wrong way and walked an additional 20 minutes I WOULD Have WORN FLATS!

1 hour and hundreds of tourists later and we are sittin' 3 row mezzanine on the right side. It was a magnificent show. It was an incredible experience. I am glad I walked all over town today and am glad I am a dancer and my body is able to. I am blessed to be able to take a day off and enjoy it in full leisure.

I love living in New York City. I don't know when I will ever be over it.

[andsheneverstopstalking]

I feel numb

I haven't written in a while. So many good things are happening to me and I don't know if I want them to or needed them to or what. I am happy these things are happening but I am not able to fully be happy about them. I feel numb. I travel to paradise and see my family. I feel numb. Half the time nothing is appealing. Then when I am away from it all I have FOMO.

[andsheneverstopstalking]

Winter Fascinates Me

I am fascinated by the cold. The winter specifically.

It brings me to a place where I can feel everything in my body in intensely before parts of it go numb.

It is fascinating to see my breath and exactly how much I am even breathing.

If we are lucky, we get to experience the snow. At times, a white blanket that covers the earth, and instantly makes everything seem magical.

I am fascinated by the winter. It looks good on people and the Fashion sense makes sense.

Scarf. Check.

Hat. Check

Gloves. Double Check.

Layers are not only used for protecting the skin but also provide confidence boost. Those accessories come out of storage for a few short months and Fashion has arrived.

Winter fascinates me. It seems like it lasts forever but it really doesn't It flies by but will always come back.

[andsheneverstopstalking]

You're not mine

We spent all day and night fucking. We can't seem to keep our hands off of each other. Your skin on mine and your lips on mine, is a feeling I didn't even realize I was craving. Not just touch but your touch. I can't believe the summer came and went just like that. It feels as though you are a past memory. Someone so special that it was too good to be true. A consistent face I now only occasionally get to see.

Why do things like that happen? The universe brings you someone fantastic and takes them away. You're not gone but you're not here.

It hurts to be away from you and it's insane to feel this way because we just met. This whole time I was diving right in while you were afraid of what could be. I thought I was protecting myself and hiding behind the addiction to our intimacy. I can't process how I actually feel anymore. I want you. I want you all the time.

I want you to want me too, but I know that reciprocity would only lead to toxicity. Why do I do this to myself? Finding the one should not make me this crazy. I wasn't even looking for anything and neither were you. You still tell me you aren't looking for anything. So I am peeling away. Taking a step back because if I dive in any deeper, I am going to lose myself in you. I am going to let go of all of our good memories and focus on how you don't want me to be yours. How there is a slight chance that you might go back to her, or meet someone else and move on. For all I know I was just a rebound girl. Someone you used until you were sore.

And I know I shouldn't think this way, but I can't help it. I have nightmares of your family not approving of me and I already met them. You say you dream of me too and it is always good vibes. Why can't I dream that way?

My goodness how things would be so much easier if I never went to recital. How different would my summer be? Would I be happier? Would I have come back to New York? Be vaccinated? Have an apartment in the city? Be into a new style of dance?

I don't even crave being high when I am around you. You're such good person. It makes me wonder if I am a good person myself.

You are my zen.

All I do is think about you and don't want to. I want to be able to breathe again without seeing your face, or go to sleep without feeling sad because you're not with me.

There are so many things I want to say to you, but I know that I can't. It's too soon and my heart honestly can't take it.

I hope these feelings settle down and I focus on all the good times we have had. I won't beat myself up. I can't. I am stronger than that and you don't need someone as needy as me to become obsessed.

I long for your touch, and I can't wait to hold you again. But I must wait. I must calm down before I turn into someone I don't recognize.

I think I love you and I am breaking my own heart by keeping this from you.

xo, Your Co Worker

[andsheneverstopstalking]

[andsheneverstopstalking]

If I lived 20 minutes from the beach, I would take my lunch breaks there everyday.

[andsheneverstopstalking]

Family

I have been back home in Puerto Rico for the last week. So far it has been eye-opening, healing and educational. This is everything I intended on finding on this trip. Focusing on the environment around me and not standing in my way. I am honoring this trip for myself. I am taking the time to learn about where I come from, understand my family more, and through all of this enrichment, be able to heal.

My traumatic past is in a way catching up to me. Over the last year I have been working on reconnecting with my family, especially my cousins. My Tio Danny is an extended part of the family but he is still family. Spending time with those types of family members makes you realize that blood isn't the only thing. Sometimes in this life we are given the opportunity to pick our family and we should always take it and make the right choices.

My cousins grew up an hour from me in Tampa and I did not know about them until I visited last time and an Aunt mentioned one of her brothers who moved to Tampa years ago. I met one of those cousins in Puerto Rico. Our connection was real and another cousin is brought into my life. Over the last year I have seen and reconnected with over 10 cousins. I am blessed to have this opportunity even at the age of 27.

The last time I was here was a rough time and I was not okay with it. in addition to making up for the last time, I found myself in a wok situation where I could just live out of a suitcase for a while. I struggled most of my life having a relationship with my family on the island. Family in general because I was raised away from the island. I am staying with my grandmother, and in a way regretting not doing this in the past.

Life is too short for regrets and grudges. If there is anything I have learned from my family and this trip so far, is that -- shit happens, life goes on, you life your own life and it is okay to forgive and move forward.

I have been telling this to myself for a long time but I didn't really believe it until now. This past year has been eye opening and I cannot wait to learn more. Until then, I will work remotely, go to the beach daily and continue living my best life in Puerto Rico.

[andsheneverstopstalking]

i never talk about these things but i can’t remain silent.

i know tumblr doesn’t give a SHIT when things happen in countries outside the “most popular ones” (such as the usa & england). it’s true, don’t lie to me. y’all don’t give A FUCK. not every issue and problem in said countries gets the appropriate exposure but in general shit shows up on the news WORLD FREAKING  WIDE. you set up donations, you help out, your spread the word, you say “pray for x”……

southern europe is burning. 

my country is burning.

people are dying - at home, on the road, trying to run away, in their cars.

yesterday my country had 300 active fires.

people are losing EVERYTHING they own.

i have a friend that is on a train right now passing through places that have been burnt to the ground and she says the smoke is so intense it’s getting inside the train and she can barely breathe.

and yet, even though several people (myself included) have been trying to bring awareness to what has been happening in southern europe… what we get from most of you, those not part of the countries suffering, is silence. we don’t ask for money, we don’t ask for shit other than a reblog to spread awareness… something you can delete in 24/48hrs if you wish. 

i don’t know what to tell you. i’m angry. i’m frustrated. i’m disappointed. i feel like i’m screaming into the void. “a reblog does nothing” - you know that’s a damn lie, you know exposure always helps, you know people start paying attention when posts on social media become popular. my country in particular is a small one, we get ZERO exposure. y’all are only starting to figure out we even fucking exist bc of the shit we’ve been winning lately. 

but hell, if the EU doesn’t give a shit, why should some user on tumblr dot com?

again, i don’t know what to tell you so i’ll let the images speak for themselves: 

An image captured by a Nasa satellite shows a thick plume of smoke blowing southward from the Greek island of Chios over the island of Crete

Torneros de Jamuz, Spain

Duca, Croatia

A helicopter from Italy’s civil protection service drops water on a fire near the railway between Venice and Trieste

Residents take refuge on the beach as a wildfire burns on the mountain next to the village of Lithi, on the Greek island of Chios

Men gather cattle during a forest fire in Vieira de Leiria, Marinha Grande, Portugal.

Charred trees are seen on the hills above the Cloister of Thivaidas on Mount Athos, a World Heritage Site in Greece

Portugal

[andsheneverstopstalking]

Going on Walks

Over the last year I have truly embraced nature. Enjoying the outdoors at whatever cost; I set a goal to go on walks daily. Living in the city, walks do not always feel like strolls but when you find the right streets and parts, it can feel like you walked into a different world. At least for a moment. 

Walking can be a form of meditation, and stress release. I often jam out to music (which is even better with a mask on because you can lip sync all you want and no one will even know) or listen to a podcast. Throughout these walks I would either cry (purging my emotions), enjoy the view and sometimes get a little high. The idea of being stuck at home is not as scary as it used to be to me. I have set up a daily routine and weekly goals to keep me going. Remote life has taught me a lot. 

Working from home means we are able to make a choice of how we want to start and finish our day. Why not squeeze in a home workout for lunch, or finish your last hour of work at the park. We have been given an advantage the world has never seen before. 

Going on walks has healed me over the last year. My anxiety is lowest on days where I go on my walks. Inhaling fresh air and enjoying the sun for a few moments of your day will improve the way you think and the way you feel in your body. 

Our ancestors walked.

The first humans on Earth walked. 

So let’s keep the tradition alive and enjoy walking in nature.

[andsheneverstopstalking]

Break through your safe zone and take a leap of faith.

[andsheneverstopstalking]

My therapist taught me something today

I met with my therapist today (virtually) and I learned that this whole “I got my vaccine” selfie movement is a straight up invasion of personal records. Taking a picture of your vaccine card is like posting your latest blood work results. If no one needs to see your latest Pap smear notes, then why do we think it is okay to expose our medical records to the world??? 

Think about it, people post on social media, they fill out questionnaires in order to enter most locations, and we email our results to organization and work associates. Everything is electronically saved. If you are one of these people, stop and think for a second. Whatever you put out into the world is going to be there for good. Do you really want the government to have another thing on you?? Do you want social media to continue selling your information?? Because that is the real plan here. Control. I will not be controlled and I will not share any of my medical records with anyone else.