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It’s been two and a half years since I was last on here; 5 years since I last posted properly. I’ve just spent two hours scrolling through my old posts and remembering the girl I used to be. I used to struggle so badly with depression, and I’ve found myself back in that dark place over the past few weeks. But at the same time, I used to be such a strong character with a strong mindset and a strong perspective, and that’s where I feel different. Most of the things i used to post about on here, little life updates, I can’t even remember! It just goes to show I guess.

So much has changed since i was last here. So much has happened. I finally managed to get a degree, after getting kicked out of uni the first time. I graduated with a First Class Bachelor of Science with Honours in Psychology. I travelled all around South East Asia, Australia, moved to the other end of the country and started my career. I was in an abusive relationship - physically, sexually, emotionally, psychologically - and I came out of the other side - just about. That’s what changed me most. I made new friends, and kept my closest old ones. I’m in a new relationship, and I struggle with it sometimes because of the impact of the abuse. I’ve had jobs that I adored and was incredibly proud of, but that others would be ashamed of. I’ve made a start on creating my own business. I’m having therapy to try to become a little more like the old me. I’m with the man that I hope so spend the rest of my life with. I don’t currently have a job, which is hard for me because in the past I’ve always juggled two at a time, but I’m having interview after interview and rejection after rejection and at the moment nothing’s ever good enough. But I know I’ll get there. 

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UNSOLICITED ADVICE TO ADOLESCENT GIRLS WITH POUTY LIPS, SHORT SKIRTS AND A PHONE FULL OF BOYS PHONE NUMBERS (after Jeanann Verlee) When he tells you he loves you, do not believe him. When he offers you a puff of his cigarette, say no, go home. When your crush kisses you at a party and says he sees a future with you, do not proceed to kiss his best friend, no matter how drunk you are. When the girl with no friends sits at your lunch table, do not get up and leave. When he pulls up outside of your house in the middle of the night and claims that if you don’t come outside then he’s coming in, lock the windows, lock the doors, wake your father. When your high school gym teacher puts his hands on your waist, pins you to the wall and whispers in your ear, do not take this as a compliment, do not turn red, call the headmaster, call his wife. When the boy on the football team takes you to the attic and pins you down until you agree to have sex with him, explain that you’d rather kick him in the balls. Then kick him in the balls. When they say you remind them of Kendall Jenner, laugh, thank them, do not turn red. When he tells you he loves you, do not believe him. When your English teacher publically mocks you for confusing verbs and nouns, do not cuss him out, do not turn red. When you lose your virginity, make sure it’s with someone you love. When your best friend tells you she’s been opening her wrists, hide her razors, pour out the vodka, take her in your arms. Every time. When you fail a test that you didn’t study for, learn from your mistakes. When you fail a test that you did study for, do not beat yourself up over it. When he leaves you for a girl with skinnier legs, let it sting for a while but don’t let it kill you. Never let it kill you. When you crash your first car, apologise to your parents. When he tells you he loves you, do not believe him. When your math teacher threatens to call the headmaster if you don’t remove your bright red nail polish, show him how neatly you painted your middle finger. When the most popular boy in school corners you at a party and whispers in your ear calling you a tease, do not just stand there, do not turn red. When you and your brother’s best friend fall in love, don’t hide it from your family. When your brother’s best friend moves across the world to pursue his dreams, let him go, let your heart heal. When your brother’s best friend moves back a year later with tanned skin and a new tattoo, smile, ask him how his trip was, make sure you’re wearing a push up bra. When the head chef at your first job kisses your neck in the stock cupboard, push him off, slap him, do not accept it, do not wait. When the policewoman claims you were driving recklessly, accept the fine, accept the license points, do not fight back. When he laughs at the way you pronounce the letter R, leave him. When he pushes you down and refuses to take no for an answer, leave him. When he litters bruises around your body with his once caring hands, leave him. Do not regret this. Do not turn red. When he tells you he loves you, do not believe him.

everything wish i’d done the first time around (via shefancieshim)

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1. it’s not always loud. it’s not always obvious. the poison doesn’t always hit you like a gunshot. sometimes, it seeps in quietly, slowly. sometimes, you don’t even know it was ever there until months after. 2. love is not draining. love is not tiring. this is not how it is supposed to be.  3. apologies are like band-aids, when what you really need is stitches– they don’t actually fix anything long-term. soon enough, you’ll be bleeding again, but they will never give you what you really need. 4. this is not your fault. you did not turn them into this. this is how they are, how they’ve always been. you can’t blame yourself.  5. there will be less good days than bad days but the good days will be so amazing that it will feel like everything is better than it actually is. your mind is playing tricks on itself and your heart is trying to convince itself that it made the right choice. 6. they do not love you. they can not love you. this is not love.  7. you’re not wrong for wanting to run, so do it.   8. you will let them come back again and again before you realize that they only change long enough for you to let them in one more time. 9. it’s okay to be selfish and leave. there is never any crime in putting yourself first. when they tell you otherwise, don’t believe them. don’t let them tear you down. they want to knock you off your feet so that they can keep you on the ground. 10. after, you will look back on this regretting all the chances given, all the time wasted. you will think about what you know now, and what you would do differently if given the chance. part of you will say that you would never have even given them the time of day, but another part of you, the larger one, will say that even after everything, you wouldn’t have changed a thing. and that’s the part that is right.

10 facts about toxic relationships (what i wish i’d known) -c.h. // instagram: @evanescent.love (via @poeticaffinity)

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WOW.

Truer words were never spoken.

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abuse is addictive due to brain’s hormonal response to extreme stimuli and it’s still not the victim’s fault if they crave abuse or feel restless and anxious without it, it does not mean they wanted it or deserved it, they’ve been hurt so much their brain is damaged by it, nobody on this planet consents to brain damage or wants to cope with feeling absolutely dreadful all the time and craving pain so much while feeling guilty and ashamed for feeling it, it takes ages to stabilize and have your brain hormones regulated properly again but it can and will happen so just keep hanging in there, you are healing all the time no matter what you do

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My heart is literally breaking but I've done what I have to do for the best.

Please change your mind

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somedays, i will implode on myself. i will quietly shut down, no tears, no shouts, no alarms. i will be too cold, too distant—untouchable and unreachable. don’t panic. somedays, i will implode on myself. it won’t be your fault. let me recover, softly and slowly. hold me when i remember how to feel again. somedays, i will be reckless. i will be wild and unstoppable. i will jump off cliffs and taste like cigarettes and smell like booze. i will forget you and i will forget me and i will smile. i will smile, until it hurts and i will cry because it won’t be enough. somedays, i will be reckless. it won’t be your fault. wait until i am sober before you berate me, but know that it won’t be the last time. somedays, i will explode on you. suddenly, suddenly and all at once, i will yell and rage and hate. i will tear you apart with my words and i will not stop, even when you cry. know that i am sorry. it won’t be your fault. i could never hate you. all those words are meant for me, not you. let me remind you that you are too good for me. somedays, i will explode on you. let me apologize. somedays, i will be gentle. i will take you to museums and coffee shops and the world will feel bright and whole. i will make eggs and toast and dance in the kitchen with you. i will tell you about my favorite memories and you will think this is, this is how it is meant to be. it will end. it won’t be your fault. somedays, i will be gentle. remember that i am not always whole, remember the good comes with the bad. most days, i will be hard to love. it won’t be your fault. i will not blame you when you leave.

just-useless-things (via wnq-writers)

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Avoid people who mess with your head. Avoid people who intentionally and repeatedly do and say things that they know upset you. Avoid people who expect you to prioritize them but refuse to prioritize you. Avoid people who can’t and won’t apologize sincerely. Avoid. Avoid.

Unknown (via onlinecounsellingcollege)

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- As you get older, you really start to understand more about why people drink the night away, smoke their lungs black, or throw themselves off buildings.

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You cannot convince people to love you. This is an absolute rule. No one will ever give you love because you want him or her to give it. Real love moves freely in both directions. Don’t waste your time on anything else.

Cheryl Strayed, Tiny Beautiful Things (via wordsnquotes)

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“Why won’t you let me love you?”

Closer (2004) dir. Mike Nichols

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I can only connect deeply or not at all.

Anaïs Nin (via thelovejournals)

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I hope that someday, somebody wants to hold you for twenty minutes straight, and that’s all they do. They don’t pull away. They don’t look at your face. They don’t try to kiss you. All they do is wrap you up in their arms, without an ounce of selfishness in it.

Waitress (2007), Dir.  Adrienne Shelly  (via thequotejournals)