and-a-grave-for-my-love

[and-a-grave-for-my-love]

You know, not to sound like an attention whore or anything, but where's the hub of the tc community? 'Cause it's migrated off Tumblr- and I mean... the point of these blogs is to act as a sort of coping mechanism right? We're all metaphorically in a circle talking about our shared problem, and then we chip in with questions or comments and that's how we feel seen. Where do I go to get some of that? I know there are others asking themselves that same question...

[and-a-grave-for-my-love]

I'm a lovesick fool who's too far into her own pain to realistically look at the situation. All I can do is bring up more sweetness, and live in the memory as if the rest had never happened. Snapshots of my love, perfectly kept in a drunken mix of lust, ache, and joy.

Right now I'm thinking of the last day of sophomore year before my grade was shipped off to the main school where the juniors and seniors were taught. I had already mourned his loss, I had already mourned my time at that first school, but it still hurt so much on that last day. I can't even remember it all well, to be honest, I only remember the last bell ringing, walking with the mass of students as we made our way to the exit, seeing his classroom door closed, feeling sad that he wouldn't step out to see his favorite students one last time, then feeling the urge in my legs to go see him, and the fear of being an imposition.

I exited with the rest of my classmates in such a stupor, totally empty of any excitement or dread of moving up in grade level. My friends were celebrating and saying their goodbyes, but all I could focus on was the heat on my back pulling me back inside. I've never been good at controlling my impulses, I always fall prey to my desires too quickly. I put my things down, told my friends to watch them, and pushed my way past students to get back inside.

I made a B-Line after that, his classroom was right next to the main entry/exit, so it was a sharp turn before I was facing his door. I've mentioned before that his classroom was a renovated band hall, and that means it was huge. I counted once, it would take about 15-20 steps to get to his standing desk, and it felt very exposing. It didn't help that the room was completely empty except for him, and his loud ass door echoed as I nervously made my way to him. He and another teacher agreed they'd shave their beards on the last day to shock us students, and all day I had heard from my friends to go see him and how different he looked. As I walked up to him and made eye contact I used that excuse to explain why I was there.

"I just had to see what everyone was going crazy over"

He chuckled at that, angling his jaw up and to the side to give me a good look. It was in fact pretty shocking, beards are like magic to faces, he looked strikingly different and there was no way I could hide my reaction. "Wow, yeah that's impressive!"

He was facing me while sitting on his stool and I was standing in front of him behind his desk (by that point I had made it a habit to break his personal bubble) so we were eye-level in that very intimate space, I immediately started blushing. He was confused by the word impressive and laughed, and I told him that it was impressive how a beard can change a person's look. I took a few seconds to calm my nerves, just looking at him while I did so. He was very patient, looking back at me too. It was like we were studying each other, taking in every unnoticed detail. I saw the crow's feet next to his eyes, noticed the depth of his irises color, I saw the few missed stubs of hair on his neck and the chappedness of his lips. To say there was steam coming out of my ears would be an understatement.

He was doing the same thing too! He looked at my eyes for a while then looked at my hair and went from there. After several seconds I was choking on my own words because any noise suddenly was too loud, I decided to break the tension by saying the goosebumps on his neck reminded me of a de-feathered chicken. Well, that made both of us bust out laughing as it was so out of left field, he said that in all his years of pulling that prank he had never heard anyone say that. But it was the truth! That's what I honestly thought when I saw them, and I was correct in alleviating the tension.

Until I then asked if I could touch his face. I don't remember the exact wording I used, mainly it was to prove if his skin would feel like a de-feathered chicken or something like that. I don't know actually if it was my idea or not, he could have also been the one to jest and then I jumped at the opportunity. The point is he cleared his throat, sat up a little straighter in his chair, and leaned in toward me. I raised my hands slowly, disbelieving that any of this was actually happening. We never once broke eye contact as I cautiously placed my fingers and then my palms onto his jaw. I had no idea where to go after that, so I slowly started brushing my thumbs against his cheeks, feeling the raspy texture of it- not at all like a chicken. We made small talk during this surreal ordeal.

"I don't get what everyone is saying about it looking bad, I mean I like it"

"Thanks, summer gets pretty hot so having a beard-"

"Would make you pass out probably from the heat."

"Yeah pretty much."

"Plus I bet it gets really humid"

"Eugh, yes, I'm all sweaty after that and it's so uncomfortable."

"Thus, a clean slate!"

"Exactly! But I grow it all back in the fall time anyway, it's like a yearly thing."

"Well I like it, it looks good on you."

I don't think he said anything after that, just smiled at me while I groped his face.

I started holding in my breath as that was too loud too, and he was doing that thing where the person is trying to breathe normally when they clearly can't. I went all the way down to his chin, holding it between my thumb and my index finger, then with the back of my fingers brushed his cheek again. I think I took the back of my index to brush down the side of his neck at the very end, and then I pulled it away still holding his face with my left hand.

There was a spark at that point, we were just looking at each other- no words, no sounds, to me it was like even the air had stilled. The thought came to me, if I leaned in just a little bit what would he do. Hindsight lets me know he most likely would have backed away from me, but in that instance, I swore I could've kissed him. I saw the opportunity, but I knew better.

Teacher crushes are addicting, scandalous, and intense things. We fantasize and romanticize the situation all we can until the truth wakes us up that we are minors crushing on our mature adult teachers. Some of them have spouses, children. Some are maybe even older than our own parents. Say nothing of the pedophilic implications on their end. I know it's not that cutthroat, and that attraction can be messy- we all know that more than anyone. But it's ugly, the complexity of reality can be an ugly thing, and the consequences even more so.

I understood this then, so I pulled away. Instead, with tears in my eyes, I told him goodbye. Gave my heartfelt little speech like I love to do, and gave him the biggest hug I could muster. It was a really good hug too, I felt held if anyone understands what that means. It was a more than satisfactory goodbye, and I left the building with the same kick in my step I always left his presence in. Only then did I feel fully able to let go, only then did I join the celebration with my friends. We laughed and talked about our excitement to be going to the main school where all the action is. It was fun.

And then Junior year hit and I fell into the worst depression episode of my life which fundamentally changed me inside and out and colored the rest of my interactions with E- who I never expected to see again but somehow ended up coming back into my life multiple times after that. It's a doozy.

Thanks for reading if you did ☆

[and-a-grave-for-my-love]

Did E respond to your email?

No he didn't, I sent it around lunch time today but no dice. I felt a little sheepish hitting send and now after a full day's gone by I feel ridiculous.

I have every right to email him if I wish, and my friend assured me that he'd be happy to see me if I went to the open house. I just feel so bad for how my behavior affected him, but then ironically that's precisely why I want to go through with this. It's a war of emotions going on. Thanks for the ask btw ☆

[and-a-grave-for-my-love]

I should have a pinned post like all the good tc blogs do. Hi! I'm A, 19 years old about to be 20, and this is the grave of my 4 year unrequited (?) love with E.

E is currently 50 years old, he was my art teacher for two of the four years at school together, and did his absolute best to practice patience and understanding with me while I pranced around trying to discover who I was.

I wrote about our first meeting already, I'll edit this and see if I can link it. Needless to say E is energetic, outgoing, and passionate about teaching. I fell instantly, but only through the lens of "wow, what a role model."

When I did get the courage to talk to him it was like gangbusters, we had an instant connection and talked about pretty much anything. There were also some... moments of questionable intent but that's a story for another time.

Eventually senior year came and I was barely coming out of the pit of depression. I was a whole different person, and I took the pain of purposely distancing myself for his sake mixed with the need to be around him for my sake and made everything awkward. Poor guy was a saint the entire time I was battling love demons during lunch and after school.

It ended well enough. The last day before quarantine, March 13, I spent most of it with him in silence. Towards the end I made a joke about how we'd meet in the apocalypse to fight over a can of beans, and told him to care of himself. We hugged, and I haven't seen him since.

And boy is there so much more to the story. Ask me questions about it and I'll answer, some memories r pretty old and hard to recall without someone to prompt me so I can be like "Oh yeah!"

[and-a-grave-for-my-love]

Oh wow I have 10 followers, thank you for your interest in my sad miserable pining. It feels good to talk about it. I have an update for all of you.

Tonight I'm planning on emailing him a short message. I'll share it here first. I guess this is also announcing a plan I have in mind.

Title: Hello Again

Just gonna pop back in your inbox to ask you a simple question. Would Open House be a good time to go visit a certain art teacher?

Thanks,

[A] ☆

P.S. Congratulations on [x]

What do we think gentlemen? Pretty soon I'll have some new juice to talk about. Let's not discuss the abject fact that I'll probably cry from the overwhelming joy of seeing him in person and so will forget allll the rehearsed conversations I've prepared.

[and-a-grave-for-my-love]

"no i really think im over him this time" i say as i cry to the love songs playlist i made and think only of him at all times

[and-a-grave-for-my-love]

Totally unrelated tc to E, this one is H and he sort of acted as replacement for E before outshining E for the year that we were at different schools. H is hot, he's dazzingly smart, such a charmer, and a music lover! I melted in his gaze and it was pathetic. I look at E with painful nostalgia, I look at H with a summer's lust because That was nothing but good times and I am HAPPY to indulge if anyone's curious.

The story I'm thinking about right now is short, a slip of the tongue I think. Here's what happened:

For about half a year into the school year there were these black mittens sitting on one of H's tables. I noticed them early in the year and asked if they belonged to anybody. He shrugged his shoulder's and said no, he left them there in case anyone was looking for them but that otherwise they were free game. Well I really needed gloves, but I felt bad for whoever left them so I waited as well to see if anyone would come collect.

No one did in those 5 months of waiting, so, I took them. It was towards the end of class, I was loitering around sitting precisely on that table and H came by to sit next to me. I don't remember if a single word was said besides 'hi', but I do remember looking at the gloves, going on about how I'd waited long enough and it was too bad for the other person and that I was now claiming them. I put them on one by one- they were a little too small for me, fitting very snug- and showed them to him.

"What do you think?"

"Beautiful."

...

DEAD, I WAS DEEEEAAAAAD. All I did was laugh and smile at him, maybe I said thank you, but I was beet red from the compliment. I was confused at first, thinking he was talking about the gloves fitting beautifully- but he never looked at them once, he was looking at me and even leaned in!! Which made me think he was saying something else. I'm sure my eyes widened with surprise or something, all I remember is him leaning back on his arms turned toward me with a big smile on his face as he said it... followed by immediate silence and tension x.x There were other students in the room, I know they must've heard! His own face got red too I think! As if he hadn't meant to say it so loud or at all! This is a taurus man we're talking about.

Anyway the bell rang very shortly after that and I (like always) was the last one out. He always used the bathroom after my class so he would hold the door for me and lock it behind me. I pushed it, but he would stand in between the doorway so I'd have to squeeze by him which got us very close- particularly close that day! And I'm a scorpio rising (I didn't realize this was a trait until much later) so I always engaged in eye contact which was more like boring holes into his skull. But he also reciprocated so I treated it like a dare.

I wobbled to my next class, and to this day I still swoon. Whatever was going on, that memory is a pretty sweet one to recall. Don't have a clue where the gloves are though!

[and-a-grave-for-my-love]

I'm missing him extra hard today. I went out with my friends and couldn't stop myself from playing the song that most reminds me of him. My best friend knows my situation, and I could feel his disapointment when I gave him the meaning of the song for me. I reassure him that all I want is to see E in person and say the final goodbye that I was robbed of due to the pandemic, but I also couldn't deny that if E wanted to see me again I would happily go running in his direction.

I've graduated, I'm starting the next phase of my life, and I can't have E stuck to my thoughts like he is right now. But I really can't help it, if I were a substance abuser it'd be like relapsing. It's because school's starting back up- this always happens. I just have so much excitement for my future, I wish I could tell him- meet up with him every now and then to catch up and get advice. I just want to have a friendship with him, because I simply love who he is not what he does for me.

I could go on and on...

[and-a-grave-for-my-love]

[and-a-grave-for-my-love]

Setting up my blog on laptop/pc, trying to capture the feeling of being around him and when I was crushing hard. Check it out if you have the time! Will be adding a playlist and everything ^-^

[and-a-grave-for-my-love]

The day I met E was interesting to say the least. Long post ahead.

It was my first class of the day, first ever class in a new school, bright and early morning, I'm dog tired but excited to learn about art, and in comes the art teacher. As if he had the energy of the sun in his soul, his voice needed no mic in that giant refurbished (blaringly white) band hall. "Good Morning, Class! I'm Mr. [E]-" and yadda yadda. It was instant energy, he was fast-paced and everywhere going on and on about himself, the class and our youthful spirit. No lie, he became empassioned during his speech about our young selves and how we should be energetic and excited about this new venture in our lives. Something to the effect of "Go anywhere, Do anything, Be anything you want to be! This the start of discovering Who You Are!" AND THEN HE JUMPED ON A TABLE.

I kid you not, it was a knockout introduction that had me instantly enthralled. I said to myself then and there that That was now my favorite class and He was now my favorite teacher and This was going to be the best year ever. I didn't take my eyes off him once, and he noticed almost immediately. I couldn't help it, he was a show spectacle on that day and for some reason after meeting my gaze he would frequently come back almost to talk directly to me.

It was so intense, we stared at each other on and off for the rest of the hour. Forgive the pretentious air that follows me acknowledging that I'm a bit of a weird person. I don't go out of my way to be weird, I just don't bother with some rules of social ettiquette. I live my life my way and behave honestly. With that context in place: I love weird people. It is this wonderful feeling of finding like minds and a safe space; I feel a sense of kinship to outsiders. My experiences up to that point were with my friends and other school mates who were dealing with depression and anxiety and well puberty, but E was the first time I met a weird adult. He wasn't just any weird adult either, he was confident and joyful. He also spoke poetically and philosophically about things like forging your own path and living in the present which is where I was at in terms of thinking as well. It was like I saw what my future self could be, I was so inspired by his presence I actually started tearing up.

And that's what the best teachers do, I think. I wasn't crushing at all in my first year with him, but you could very well say I fell head over heels for him that day.

Anyway like I was saying, my gaze was fixed solely on him and once he saw me he locked his eyes right back at me. I guess I must've looked pretty awestruck, because he kept smiling at me while he spoke. I can't for the life of me remember the words, only the emotions, and to me it felt like we were the only two in the room.

And it didn't end there. After class was over and we gathered our things to leave, I was slow to put my things away and walk out. I've always been slow, I like taking my time, and well I didn't want to leave yet- so it ended up just being E and I alone in that big empty room. That's when it turned a little awkward for me, I couldn't meet his eyes then but I could literally feel his silence while he waited for me to pack up. He then walked right up to my desk in a hurry to ask:

"Excuse me, what's your name?"

"Um, [A]"

"[A]... Have we met before?" He was standing in front of me with such a puzzled look, and I was already turning red just from the attention. I stuttered so badly!

"U-um I don't t-t-think so?" And then I asked if maybe he knew my older sister, which he didn't.

"It's just so weird, I feel like we've met before. You just seem so familar, you sure we haven't spoken before?"

And then I gained some courage and said, "You know, you do seem kind of familiar- I don't know. Either way I'm excited to get to know you more."

To which he smiled at me as said "Me too. Have a good rest of your day" and then went into his office while I BLASTED out of that classroom. Mind you we were once again staring at each other throughout that entire exchange. I was buzzing after that, smiling the rest of the day and so excited to see him again.

--

The first year is sort of a blur in terms of our interactions, as I hadn't developed a crush on him yet and was just super stoked to be his student, but I can safely say it was a whole lot more of intense eye contact, smiling, over-achieving attitude, and minimal conversation. Yeah I was too shy to approach him the first year, my friends had already secured their own spots next to him during lunch and I was doing my best to act aloof outside of class. Really I just wanted to see if he would look for me and single me out from the rest, as if that would somehow prove that I was his favorite and the only one he would actually invite to his desk than tolerate. Of course I realize this now with hindsight, back then it was more ego refusing to act all dotingly like the other girls- but hey it worked. I think that's part of the reason why I fell so hard, it's that he actually did seek me out. He would go out of his way to start conversations with just me, he would tell me how cool I was and bombard me with compliments. I ate it up, and for a year that was the dynamic.

There are so many good stories but that will always be my favorite because of how pure it is. He's so passionate about his work, all he wants is to be a haven for kids, to talk to them and hopefully leave them with something good once they graduate. He saved me countless times, and was always super patient during my lowest moments. I seriously believe there was a point where we could've been friends outside of high school, but now that seems like a near impossibility. Well, that's why we reminisce.

Thanks for reading if you did, I'm just happy I got to relive that moment again. <3

[and-a-grave-for-my-love]

The most frequent memory I have of him is his crooked smile. Whenever he would get really excited his left eye would squint and his eyebrows would shoot up. He looked half crazy! With this big goofy smile that he'd try to hide by controting his face a bunch. It would confuse me, because I didn't know if it was disbelief at my remark or genuine enjoyment. It was intense, because it was always me, it was just an expression he'd give to me and I never knew what to make of it.

Now I think about it and smile back, because even though I don't know the meaning behind that smile, it was pretty cute whenever it happened and I'm grateful I got to experience that. Makes me giggle! <3

[and-a-grave-for-my-love]

When I think of him I feel the cold autumn air,

I hear the crunching leaves under boots

and the afternoon bell dismissing us all home.

I feel warmth all around me like a coat,

like the lull surrounding class work when the holidays are near,

like looking out the window and seeing dark rain clouds,

or walking through empty halls playing music through headphones.

When I think of him I think of my nerves calming, sighing

his smile directed solely at me

and how seeing him was the only good thing somedays.

And then I miss him.

[and-a-grave-for-my-love]

Help The Heartbroken?

Tomorrow is the first day of school, and he'll be opening his email back up. I haven't spoken to him in over a year, and I did this to get distance and perspective (which I sort of have), but I can't help feeling the urge to reach out again and... say something, anything. To pop back in his life, if even for a flicker of a moment: the desire is too sweet to resist. I loved him, I still love him, and above all else, he gave me the attention I needed during my worst times. How can I say no when I'm feeling my lowest? It's not just the urge to have more contact with him, but also the desire to feel seen and cared about again. Teacher crushes, they become a drug that fills all the holes in our hearts, and we cling to that solution in hopes that garnering their affection will satisfy the wound our own parents left in us.

I love him, I'm attracted to him, I want to be with him, I want to be by his side, and it's because he was everything to me. I wrote this somewhere, I can't find it anymore:

"... You were everything I needed you to be: My mentor, my father, my crush, and my friend. I took advantage of your kindness and used the affection you showed me to fulfill every missing piece..."

And it eats at me. I pushed him away with my behavior and made the decision to cut myself from his life even though his words were welcoming of further contact. I just felt a lot of shame for how I acted, but then as time went on and I missed him more and more the ache in my soul to see him again got harder to heal. I think about him every day, I want to talk to him so bad, but I'm capable of continuing my silence. I know that if I make up my mind I'll stick to the decision, but hey, why type this all out for strangers to see if not to use their advice?

What should I do? Should I reach out again? I miss him so much.

[and-a-grave-for-my-love]

This is a script I wrote to outline what I want to tell E if I get the chance to meet them again. It's everything I wish I could say, at least, I know nerves will kick in and it won't sound anything like this... but as long as I can express the emotions behind these words then it'll be mission accomplished in my eyes. Of course, it's missing his reply but there's no telling how he'll react, only guesses. I've always been dramatic and wordy, especially around him so it's not too cringey or unexpected for me to say something like this. Though this is definitely steeped in piney angst.

"There's so much I want to ask you, what your quarantine was like, about school, what thoughts circulate your head. And there's so much I want to tell you, how I've been, how I've changed, most importantly how I'm starting to understand what you were trying to teach me about myself. I'm greatful to you, for everything you've done to help. For being a role model and a friend. A piece of you will always exist in me now, and I will love that piece for the rest of my life, because it gives me comfort, it makes me confident, it makes me feel loved and brings so much happiness. Thank you, E. I'm sorry for the way I acted towards the end. I lost myself halfway through High School, and I ruined what could have been a wonderful student/mentor relationship. I isolated myself and alienated you, and I missed you everyday when you were right in front of me. I can only try to make up for it now by letting you know how much our short time together meant to me. The World. I am who I am today because of you.

That was dramatic, but I have to tell you all this now because this will be the last time we see each other. I want you to remember me at my best, so that later with luck a piece of me can stay with you in the form of a funny anecdote you tell your students. I'll take anything, just please don't forget me. I'll always remember you, E. Always.

With love,

A"

[and-a-grave-for-my-love]

It literally feels like a frog in my throat. Looking at the past is too dangerous because I always get sucked right back in to those feelings. How can you miss someone this much, I hate what it does to me and the sooner I can rip them off my soul and off my heart the better I hope I'll be. They're the last thing tethering me, and although thinking about them makes me happy and even soothes me to sleep at times I know that I need to cut all ties. If there was a way I could have my cake and eat it too; Not feel this intense attachment to someone while having them firmly placed in my life for a longer period of time, I'd be too lucky. Please come back, please stay with me, I understand you Sakura but it is an ugly look on both of us