anarchic-miscellany

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Terrible Screenplay Ideas: Working Wizards

A bunch of working class people struggle to master and utilise their magic powers when they have day jobs and no money in this capitalist hellscape: 1. Turnbull has wanted to be a mage forever, and is happiest in her room at her mum's house scouring books and tomes, but all of the good books are under copyright or hoarded by particularly powerful mages, so she must settle for grainy PDFs and whatever she can scrounge from the library. 2. Fletcher works on commission with her witchcraft, but unfortunately the most reliable clients are all into weird sex stuff: sealed chastity cages, penis enlargement and the like. It pays the bills, but now people think she's into sex work, and she hates dressing as a "goth witch girl" (she'd rather chill out in a tracksuit), but again it pays the bills. 3. Rookwood is a Haruspex, or would be were he not wearing an ankle monitor: having been arrested after trespassing onto a local farm one too many times. But where else is he going to get animal innards, especially after the butcher denied him a job? 4. Colfax is an aspiring Alchemist, in between his rounds as a delivery driver, who struggles to get the ingredients: not just because he is a vegetarian and animal lover (who the fuck carries owl blood?!); but he lives in a city and struggles at the best of times, and the recent Tik Tok trends have had people buying up the good supplies. He's a REAL wizard damn it! 5. Miller is a blood mage and trained nurse: she's not really into the "emo Goth look", and is actually rather upbeat. After shifts at her dull office cubicle job, she vents frustrations on those she dislikes with petty curses and hexes in blood. They'd unite in a heist against some douchebag wizard, I don't know. I just want wizards to not be wealthy aristocrats

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Remember, when you see the veritable tidal wave of misery that is gambling adverts: You can't drink or take cocaine on your phone. Soulless, vile, unctuos, empty industry And the adverts are not aimed at me, one always has to remember to have empathy for those they are aimed at. If they weren't effective, if they were't predatory, if they weren't ruthlessly vampiric and profitable, they wouldn't be doing it.

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"Manborg" is peak cinema, purely in terms of bang-for-your-buck, and just terms of wonderful madness and passion. These guys made for $2,000 what most major stuidos struggle to do with billions.

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UK Pigs: "Alright, the Sarah Everhard thing has died down... let's get to it lads!"

You're not going to find the US cretins decrying "religious freedom being attacked" or "freedom of speech under attack" because it doesn't serve their fascism, so maybe those little cunts should keep their fucking noses in the troughs of their own dying, failed nation state yeah?

Alright, fuck the police for sending 20 cops with tasers to arrest 6 people at a nonviolent church discussion group for "potential to cause a nuisance", and maybe as importantly: fuck every snivelling little fascist cunt toerag who supported crackdowns on protests and ever defended a Tory cuntbag.

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It's a shame that "Emilia Perez" sucked up all of the oxygen in the room, because we only just got "Flow" over here and that incredible movie absolutely deserved its win.

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You could be watching "Inside Number 9" right now.

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The Question has a conspiracy board and figured out that Bruce Wayne was Batman in one afternoon, but tossed that theory away as it always goes deeper than that! Bat Man is a false construct, a psy-op concocted to keep people compliant consumers never deviating from the status quo! The real questions, in his mind, are:

Why isn't anyone talking about how Lex Luthor is the real identity of Superman and they pretend to be enemies just to keep the conflict going?

Is Wonder Woman nothing more than an elaborate illusion constructed by a Green Lantern ring? And if so who wields it?

How long has the Martian Manhunter been impersonating Bruce Wayne, and what happened to the real Bruce Wayne?

Why do people believe that The Flash exists? He's clearly a crpytid believed in by weirdos and children (this one pisses the Flash off to no end)

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Shoutout to the makers of gamefaqs and game walkthroughs on GameFaqs, especially those with now defunct email addresses. Your work and hard perseverence will never be forgotten, not by me anyway. Free help, in depth, done with passion, about a shared hobby, the true spirit of community across the internet. As a stranger I reached out, found the work you had made, and was aided immeasurably by it. Thank you. Especially to you, "Psionic Wyrm" I hope that you're living your best life and doing well, whoever and wherever you are. A part of me wonders about that younger version of you who wrote that guide, and what they're like, but then - that's the joy of it all, some stranger just helps you out immensely and you never even know their name. A network of wonderful strangers, reaching out across the digital Wild West

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Everytime I see a surge in some kind of discourse (at the moment asexual discourse) I have to resist the urge to go "stop hopping onto the fucking trend! You newbies!" Gatekeeping is sort of expected, especially in the circles one rolls in, you have to have "bona fides" and justify something before you talk about it, it's kind of annoying; but why do we do it? It's a knee jerk reaction with fascinating origins and training onself out of it will be a long process.

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Booster Gold is my favourite superhero ever. His announced TV show being stuck in development hell, and not going forward, is the most Booster Gold fucking thing and I can't help but laugh.

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Off the back of the accusations against the lead singer of Rammstein, and the legendary Rick Astley having done a pretty good industrial song called "Paint is My World", I propose something extraordinary... We could call it "Rick Stein" Or, because he's Northern and won't have that soft bastard crap: "Goat Mug"

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Yes, the movie sucks ass in that usual Paul W S Anderson kind of way, but it's charming that it exists, this utterly harmless little bubble of movies made for 13 year olds. And you know, it's nice that Milla Jovovich is still pumping these out with her husband, and that Dave Bautista is allowed to just take a weekend off to play a future bounty hunter gunfighter in the post apocalypse. Let this shit happen, it's good for the movie ecosystem. Oh, it's bad, it's dreadful, but I had a great time with "In the Lost Lands" and would have a better one shitfaced.

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Your hunt for intellectual purity is only going to destroy you.

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Reading "One Piece" for the First Time: Part 20 Alright, I have to go to work in a bit so I'll be brief

This part ruled. We learned what the Crocodile Man's plans were regarding this place, kind of. The guy is easily the best villain thus far, in that he's actually got some sort of goal and plan, is kind of succeeding, is somewhat intimidating and not there to be a wacky fight for Worst Character to deal with. The Rodeo Stripper reveals her powers when she takes out a guy whose name I never remembered and who I'm never going to think about again after these pages but somebody seemed to like; and it turns out she's "Ball of Arms Man" from Mutants and Masterminds, which... okay that's slightly terrifying. Already I'm imagining a thousand horrifying uses of this power, and... Oh God can you imagine what the hentai guys would do with this power if they get ahold of it? Hold on, let me check out what her name is, and have a look [one search later]

Alright, moving on from that... The Princess whose name I keep forgetting has to make a choice between going after the Crocodile Man, who is living his best Saturday Morning Cartoon Villain Pimp life by dropping the key to the cage in his crocodile banana tank (what the hell is this series? I like that they're not just normal crocodiles, but... screw it let's roll with it) and saving her father's kingdom; or staying here and saving the crew of morons. She even holds her own against the bananadiles, and as much as I keep forgetting her name, she could make a good addition to this crew in the fight scenes, if she didn't look almost exactly the same as Cartographer with a Brain Cell. Our Princess even takes off the Crocodile Man's head with her yo-yos, but he reveals it to be sand, before cackling and leaving as he reveals his powers were what he used to spite one particular old guy in a village. Gotta be honest: I respect the hustle there, man, the pettiness game is unmatched. I love this guy. They are still stuck in the cell with Smoker, and honestly I wish the author had done more with that: force them to team up and work together to survive the trap more. It seems like he just sort of forgot that he was in the cell. I get it, he was focusing on the princess doing her thing, but you had gold here dude!

It was kind of worth it, however, because Giga Chad Sanji (coming into his own in the plot) was immaculate build up. Having the return fo the snail-phone gag with "Restaurant Le Crap"? *MWAH!* Drawing some glasses on his face like he's Brigette Lundy-Paine and playing on some slot machines before going "You rang, princess?" is such a gangster, baller moment, it just made me go...

Fucking HYPE. This is the shit I imagine people getting into this series for, shit like this. All seems lost, and the absolutely fucking towering force of chadness swoops in to one-shot crocodiles with his hands in his fucking pockets. This shit is what I'm here for. Fucking yes.

The Blue Nosed Reindeer got to do something as well, distracting the others and actually being pretty cool (he may grow on me) and befriending a large crab off-panel (he SHALL grow on me) but this was the Giga Chad Rescue Variety Hour, and oh so fucking glorious. They rescue Smoker and the crew together, left a note on a corpse (minor gripe: our schizophrenic writing of the lead Idiot came back when he ordered Himbo Zoro to save him, despite literally 2 chapters ago going "FUCK THESE GUYS! VICTORY OVER CROCODILE IS WHAT MATTERS!") and The Idiot still fucking sucks But who fucking cares?! Smoker fucking lived, Giga Chad wrecked shit like Atom Willard on the fucking drums, and all is right in the world. We've a big fight coming. (I was listening to "Break" by Alkaline Trio as I finished writing this.)

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Reading "One Piece" for the first time: Part 19 Is there a form we can fill out to get a different protagonist? Like, can I appeal to a higher authority? Can we get Naoki Urasawa to write a couple of chapters? Our gang are hiking through the desert in between flashbacks to the Princess' backstory and her talk of rebellion. Our Idiot protagonist has the switch in his head flipped to "bored now, doing this" and decides not to take part in the rebellion because he wants to fight the crocodile man instead; and gives a big rambling talk about how people are going to die and it's naive to think that people won't. My good slut: Your ENTIRE personality for this series has been "no! There's always a 3rd option and people mustn't die!" It comes completely out of nowhere and less like an arc and more like a guest writer who hates Ohda for sleeping with his wife has taken over the chapter.

At least the Himbo has been put on the backburner, and Giga Chad shows some concern for his fellow buddies (more than our Idiot protagonist, funny that...) in the heat of the desert, particularly Blue Nosed Reindeer whom he is concerned for the health of (though that may be because he does not want the meat to spoil). Meanwhile Idiot is just being a melodramatic bitch about the water now, like his personality is determined by a fucking roulette wheel...

We have the rather boring goons of the Crocodile Man discuss their evil schemes around the table; including the return of Rodeo Stripper the most interesting one! The gang seem shocked and surprised that he is an evil pirate... Guys, in your line of work (toppling regimes and subsuming the cities from beneath them) do you think you're going to be working with many orphanages and philanthropic nuns? Fuck me, everybody in this Universe has the brain of a sock drawer... Except no, we get the best fucking guy Smoker back! He's having a drink at the bar, Cop on the Edge that he is, with his assistant Girl Uryu from "Bleach"; when Idiot and Meme in Progress Usopp come in desperate for a drink of water. It takes a while, but they notice Captain Smoker and leg it, out into the street.

Now this is something I'm down for in terms of an action sequence: we've had the King building up to his attack on Crocodile, Crocodile planning his own thing (him only knowing the existence of 5 of the crew and The Princess and not Giga Chad Sanji because he was back on the boat having a smoke and making fish is funny, and I'm glad that plot point came back, I hope that they do something with it) and the rebellion building its forces all converging. Himbo not fighting Girl Uryu was odd, but hey, it's nice character suff and I hope it also builds to something.

Then our Idiot is caught in quite possibly the easiest trap ever conceived, and praises the genius of it: ending up locked in a cage in the Crocodile Casino (which I think is a Jethro Tull album) alongside his crew and Smoker.

Are we sure that I can't swap him out for somebody else? Don't get me wrong he's not as annoying or loathsome as Chadda Darkmane (fun fact: I hate him so much I got his first name wrong) or Lelouch Lamperouge but holy fucking shit.

BUT

This kind of thing is my jam: a favourite thing of mine is "gritted teeth enemies forced to work together" and Smoker is absolutely fucking fantastic, I want way more of him, so having him team up with the crew to plan an escape (let him plan it, because fuck I think I actually actively dislike the protagonist of this series?) is fun.

Also, the princess is kidnapped by a machine gun bird and Smoker reveals the existence of magic ocean rocks which block Fruit Powers. Sure.

Sure.

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*Meanwhile, at the Wholesome Polycule!* Nomi: "Okay gang! Our German himbo player character has been taken, we need to figure out a way to retrieve him, as he is an important part of our biological evolutionary stage."

Lito: "And he's a cool guy."

Nomi: "That too. Any ideas, gang?"

Sun: "We kill them."

Nomi: "Sun, no."

Sun: "I'm out."

Lito: "I asked Daniela and she says it may be cartels?"

Will: "Is it Cartels?"

Riley: "No, dear."

Lito: "I got nothing. Also, has anyone seen Wolfgang? He promised to help me find my flip flop."

Riley: "He's been kidnapped, Lito."

Lito: "That's terrible!"

Nomi: "Anyone else?"

Will: "We investigate, track them, use our wits... Yes, Capheus? You don't have to put your hand up."

Capheus: "In the Jean Claude Van Damme classic 'Timecop', he partakes in the search for truth and justice by going about it alone, he marches to truth no matter how dangerous, how stacked the odds are against him, when even institutions and government want him gone! It is truly inspiring."

Nomi: "Love the attitude Capheus! So what's the idea?"

Capheus: "Oh I do not have one. I am content being here with you all, and agree with Sun."

Riley: "Of course he agrees with Sun..."

Sun: "Thank you Capheus."

Nomi: "Riley?"

Riley: "I don't know, man, I'm coming down from so many drugs, and I think I'm pregnant?"

Nomi: "Allllllrighty then! Kala, you're always sensible? Ideas?"

Kala: "WE CUT THEIR FUCKING DICKS OFF AND START KILLING THEIR CHILDREN EVERY HOUR IN THE DEFILED WRECKAGE OF THEIR TEMPLES UNTIL WOLFGANG IS RETURNED TO US! THEIR GODS SHALL ABANDON THEM IN THE FACE OF OUR FURY!"

Will: "Kala, you're in too deep."

Nomi: "Yeah that's on me, I shouldn't have asked."

Lito: "Oh! I found my flip flop!"

Sense8 had one of the greatest finales in television.

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I can't stress enough how much I miss StumbleUpon