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TW 3D VENT (it’s gon be a long one)

I feel a sense of guilt. I have a decent amount of following here now. I feel a sense of responsibility. I love you all.

My blog is not pro 4n4. It’s a diary. I’d love to know you are all safe. I’d love to know you love yourself. I believe some of my posts make you push yourself to the limit.

Just so you know: I don’t want you to hate yourself. Idk why I like starving myself. It’s just like I’m used to this. I’m 24, it has been this way since I was 8. I need this.

And it sucks. Cuz sometimes it seems more important than anything else. It’s just a thing I do.

I don’t love it.

I just… do.

PLEASE: stay safe, hang out with your friends and family, even if you’re different, take care of yourself, take healthy choices.

I tried to self3xit last time I was underweight. In 2020.

It can get dark. I feel a sense of responsibility to you all. Most of you are still so young…

If you do choose this path,

Remember your life is precious, and you will find peace. I promise.

There will be joy and purposes that matter more than destroying your body.

Don’t give up on life, okay?

I love you. You matter to me. Stay safe.

Be kinder to yourself.

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I wish getting tiny was as easy as all the songs about ana make it seem

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friendly reminder to take care of yourself!! i know that sounds a little silly in a context like this but i mean it! if you feel faint, dizzy, or just like something isn't right, eat. i know it's scary but one day off your plan won't ruin your progress, i promise. in fact, metabolism days actually help you lose more. look out for yourself, look out for each other, and stay as safe as possible. your life is more than your 3d and besides, you can't get sk1nny if you're d34d.

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I hope you read this

You’re not alone:

I eat carbs when I lose control

I tell myself I’m stupid for choosing this illness to cure my lack of self-worth

I have no friends nor boyfriend

I see something different every time I look in a mirror

I eat over my kcal limit when I’m overwhelmed

I don’t believe skinny will cure my problems, still I choose it

I can’t ask for help

I feel unloved

I feel alienish

I think I am the mistake

I know it’s not about wanting to look better, it’s about regulating the struggles or traumas

I know you love the feeling of hunger

I know what it’s like when you need to eat cuz u been starving and you believe yourself to be a complete disappointment if you pick a fork and a knife up

I JUST WANT MY HEAD TO STOP MAKING ME HATE MYSELF SO MUCH

I know what it’s like to call your 3d your shelter, your home, your safe place, your best friend.

Even though it’s the scariest period of my life, and I have ZERO hope:

Life’s a circle: IT CANT BE BAD FOREVER.

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Reblog if you're bored and you want anons.

Or non-anons. Whatever works for you!

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The Pinned Post

I'm finally doing an intro! Hey everyone. My name is Vietta, or Vi for short.

Feel free to message me! I love hearing from people.

I'm 24, live at home still, and eat too little.

I will not give out tips, and I will never bully, coerce, or recommend lower cals or longer fasts. I'm not going to stop you, and feel free to tell me about it, I just don't give out the spo. I'm pro recovery, if you are ready for it. I'm not yet. You can message me if you want a recovery cheerleader, but I suggest not reading my posts if it will trigger you.

I have realized recently that my eating has been disordered for much of my life.

A couple of years ago, I stopped the mild restriction/general not eating enough for binge eating. It wasn't like huge binges, just eating more than I should because food was the only thing that made me feel happiness at the time. Don't do this. I highly disrecommend. I was skinny all my life till I wasn't, gained a ton of weight (all numbers will be below cut) and hated myself and my body (still do), so I switched.

I traded emotional eating for emotional not-eating

The part many of you are looking for, lol.

HW: 189lbs

LW: 115 lbs

CW: 156.7 lbs

GW1: 140 lbs

GW2: 120 lbs

UGW: 113 lbs (one lb underweight, lol)

I have promised myself I won't go below 108 (the lowest I can go without losing muscle).

I've been restricting for about six months now.

My ana rules:

exercise is the only form of purging allowed. Throwing up and laxatives are strictly forbidden.

eat anything in small amounts (to prevent bingeing)

Eat in small portions

snack. a little counter-intuitive, but eating tiny amounts throughout the day works better for me than nothing and tiny meals.

record all calories in my fitness pal

keep excel sheet of weight, amount eaten, etc up to date.

don't throw away food

tell no one. Don't ever mention weight or weightloss.

do metab days every once in a while.

Get metab days when there is really yummy food around. don't miss out

when not a metab day, nothing over 900 cals (second goal if I miss the first one: under 1200 cals)

never below 500 cals

Eat enough food in front of other people to have plausible deniability of a problem

skip out on enough food in front of people (take smallest portions, skip, etc) to be believed when I do tell (when I want to go into recovery)

Safe Foods:

low fat greek yogurt

blueberries

ritz crackers (idk doesn't make sense to me either)

rice cakes

oatmeal

I'll eat other stuff but these are my safe foods.

When I'm at my goal weight I'll be able to wear all the pretty clothes I made. I'll also make more!

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I’m upping my calories for the holiday. It will also be a big metab boost. It is good in that I can eat nice foods, but my mind is  screaming at me the whole time. I made popcorn. I ate a bunch of it. Ana was screaming that it was a binge, and when I said it isn’t, I planned this, she said prove it. Prove it by walking away. I did. I put the rest of the popcorn in a bag and hid it in my room to finish later.

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does anyone else think it's so embarrassing to have an 3d in their 20s

i know it's not a disorder for teens exclusively, but something in my brain is like ... get a grip ... you're 24

ya know?

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I'm not ready, but I hope this reaches someone who is!

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I'm new but here.

if you’re an 3d account please reblog this!! i need more mutuals<4

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Ugh my siblings are sick and I'm trying to avoid catching it so I ate ore today but now my stomach doesn't feel great. Oof, don't go from low to large meal. Ironically, I'm still under my calorie count somehow. At least the one I set for the holidays, since I want to eat a little holiday food.

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I haven't measured in like a month but I only lost 2 lbs. Ugh plateau.

(remember you are more than this disorder and deserve good things, okay)

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I promise I'm going to recover at my goal weight. Just not until then. I'll just daydream about doing it till then.

(remember that you deserve recovery, at any bmi)