an-actual-real-live-eevee

[an-actual-real-live-eevee]

wow an announcement

so given how rarely I’ve been posting here for a very long time, I hope this won’t be a huge surprise to anyone, but I feel like I should say it anyway.

I’m shutting down this blog.

I’m going to leave the blog up, but there won’t be any new posts, the inbox is closed, the messages are as closed as I could make them, and I’m not going to be checking the blog anymore.

I will also not be answering old asks. I’ve cleared the inbox. I’m sorry, but at this point, I just...don’t have the energy or desire. if you want answers to questions, there’s gotta be at least one other blog on Tumblr that could answer those questions.

I started this blog as a place to vent about my ‘less acceptable’ symptoms during a time when I felt like I couldn’t talk to anyone about them, and I don’t really need that anymore.

it did evolve into an advice/information blog over time, but I never really meant for that to happen, and honestly, I don’t think I’ve posted anything particularly informational or helpful in a long time.

I’m just sort of burnt out on this blog and have been for a while. some of it is the result of anon hate, some of it is just that this blog became something it was never intended to be that started taking time and energy I eventually stopped having, but it all adds up to “I just can’t keep doing this.” this is a thing I’ve been thinking about for a while, and I see no reason to keep deliberating on it.

so as of today, an-actual-real-live-eevee is officially closed.

I’m sorry if anyone’s sad to see me go, but I hope everyone understands.

[an-actual-real-live-eevee]

the most obvious example I can think of is sweetschizo, formerly autisticliving, also formerly a bunch of blogs about ASPD and NPD - none of which they had, of course. also claimed to have gotten abused by their family. they've explicitly stated it was due to a delusion.

hey anon, you didn’t know them! you read blogs they made! that’s not remotely the same! and I still find it just so super interesting you gave me only ONE name in this. ‘a bunch’ of blogs, you say, but you can only provide one URL? not even former URLs for anyone except one single blog? really interesting.

also, you know, you’re not my doctor. you don’t actually know me. you know what I choose to show people on this blog. which, shockingly, is not everything. it’s not even that much, honestly.

like, what do you want from me here? documents proving that I was malnourished from neglect when I escaped my house? a recount of the fact that I was kicked out and actively homeless? access to my memories of trauma? I think fucking not. you don’t deserve any of that.

if you don’t want to believe me, that’s your prerogative. but you don’t get to come on my blog and try and tell me that 20 years of severe neglect, emotional, sexual, and verbal abuse was a delusion.

you know literally nothing about me, anon. you know nothing about my history. and if I were you, I’d stop trying to make connections between complete strangers because of ONE shared disorder, and use that to pretend concern with “so have you considered you’re probably faking?”

but I owe you nothing. least of all proof to try and convince you I was actually abused by my family, or that I have ASPD, or PTSD, or anything.

you, my friend, are an asshole, and you might wanna consider getting a life instead of trying to dictate other people’s experiences just because they appear to have…what, too many disorders for you? is that it? or do you just think people with ASPD don’t exist, or can’t be abused, or something? because that’s like, the only connections I’m seeing here–abuse and ASPD. it’s almost interesting, except that it’s not, because you’re really just being a dick trying to convince me my life experiences are apparently a delusion.

I’m not really here for it. send more messages if you feel like it, but I’ll be ignoring you from here on out.

[an-actual-real-live-eevee]

Have you considered that maybe you just have schizophrenia and an incompetent enabler psychiatrist who'll diagnose you with anything you've come up with? I've met a ton of people with that.

I don’t even know what to say to this.

like, what are you hoping to gain here? I didn’t just waltz into my psych’s office and go “yeah I think I have literally all of these” and get them to sign off. it’s been a hella long process over many years. also, I’ve BEEN misdiagnosed with things before–I’ve talked about that. I fully understand it’s a possibility, which is why I’ve revisited things with my new psychologist, and get this: she still agrees with all my diagnoses!

and you know, I’m gonna be real, because most people don’t bat an eye at “BPD” or “AVPD”, I have to assume you came out with this because of either STPD, ASPD, or my DID.

so. a few things for you.

1. I definitely have ASPD, and being put on a psychiatric medication for that wouldn’t help anyone, least of all me. I’m working very hard to control that bullshit with therapy, because that’s what I have to do. and it has NONE of the key schizophrenic symptoms.

2. STPD is on the schizophrenia spectrum, you dumb motherfucker. I already HAVE a schizophrenia spectrum diagnosis and it fits what I live with perfectly fine, thanks, and it’s not really helped by medication.

3. I didn’t even ‘come up’ with the DID. my psychiatrist did. and I’ve brought it up with every other professional I’ve met with, including my latest psychologist, who fucking SPECIALIZES in dissociative disorders like DID–and she agrees that I have it.

4. the best possible outcome of me going BACK on anti-psychotics–because yes, I have been on them, and you know what, they did jack shit for me–is that they do nothing again. the worst case scenario is that they do something terrible, because I don’t NEED anti-psychotics.

also, I’ve seen several different psychiatric professionals over the years, and here’s the thing: I think the second person I saw, who diagnosed me with a few different things, DIDN’T know what she was doing. but she also didn’t listen to me, at all, and it resulted in some pretty bad things for me.

I’d also love to know who these ‘tons of people’ are–are they people you did this exact same thing to, where you, a person who I am assuming has 0 degrees or medical professional experience, didn’t actually get the full story but saw a long list of diagnoses and decided the person must just be flinging diagnoses at their psych and the psych was agreeing no matter what, and you decided that somehow this meant the person was schizophrenic? do you ACTUALLY know anyone this has happened to, or are you just like, piling people with many diagnoses all in this?

also, I really, REALLY want to know why you think schizophrenia would result in what would be more like the mental illness version of hypochondria. do you….actually know anything about schizophrenia, or did you just pull that one out of your hat because you felt like it fit The Crazies™? schizophrenia causes hallucinations, sure, but as far as I’m aware, it typically doesn’t make you think you have five different disorders.

I’m gonna be real: I’m really fucking tired of people reading my blog title and nothing else and thinking that somehow gives them the authority to show up in my askbox on anon and dictate my life like they think they know ANYTHING about me. you don’t. and there’s no way in hell you read through my blog, because then you would know that I didn’t suggest several of these diagnoses myself (cancelling out your ‘diagnosing me with anything I’ve come up with’ claim, because I didn’t come up with them), and also that I’ve BEEN misdiagnosed before, and I’ve discussed that and dealt with it, and you might even know that I’ve seen MULTIPLE psychiatric professionals and they’ve all agreed, over the years, with the things that I remain diagnosed with.

I’m so tired of anons with 0 experience and what honestly feels like a hell of a superiority complex to be thinking you can tell a complete stranger what their life must be like showing up in my askbox to try and dictate what I clearly actually have. I’d love it if some of you like, actually learned to read things before you made your assumptions!

after all, you know what they say about assumptions.

…so yeah, I’m heated about this. it’s not because I think you’re right, although I guess if you’re one of those people who likes to believe someone showing Emotions in a conversation means your perspective is clearly the right one, me saying that won’t change anything. but I’m heated because I get SO MANY PEOPLE exactly like you in here, and honestly, unless you’d like to read through 10 years of my medical history, you know absolutely nothing about the people I’ve seen, how I got these diagnoses, how many times I have actually been misdiagnosed with something (I fully fucking understand how harmful a misdiagnosis can be, trust me, been there, done that), and you definitely don’t know the amount of work I’ve put in to make sure that these are CORRECT and accurate to my life. you know so little about me. and in particular, anons like you tend to know even less about me than the average blog-goer here–because you read either nothing I’ve written here or so little it didn’t even matter before you decided to stick your head so far up your ass I’m amazed you can still breathe.

like, seriously: fuck off. I am so tired of people like you.

I normally delete these asks but today I just wanted to scream. so here it is.

[an-actual-real-live-eevee]

I finally found a therapist. we had our first meeting today.

and the thing is, she’s a great fit for me, and I’m sure that in time, she can help me to improve my mental state and situation.

but...right now....

we talked only vaguely about my history, and my trauma experiences. just....the barest initial conversation.

and yet it seems like every time I’m actually HONEST about things that have happened, every time I actually explain like “this thing happened” in ANY kind of transparent way, my brain just. freaks out. and starts dragging up every traumatic memory it can find, and getting upset and twitchy at every little thing, and pulling HARD for old and awful coping mechanisms, until I just feel plain freakin’ awful.

and maybe what this is an indication of is that I haven’t actually made much progress ‘dealing with trauma’, I’ve just been repeatedly burying it and hoping I’ll get better--but god, how am I SUPPOSED to talk about it when every time I try my brain starts doing things that makes me want to tear my skin off because I’m so goddamn distressed??

and I just feel. discouraged. and I wish I didn’t, because I feel like after finding a decent therapist I should be happy.

[an-actual-real-live-eevee]

praeca replied to your post “that mood when you don’t really wanna like, die, exactly, but you do...”

U ok?

no but thanks for asking

[an-actual-real-live-eevee]

that mood when you don’t really wanna like, die, exactly, but you do just want to sleep forever and never do anything again, so you put off everything including eating and social interaction and feel tired and sad and lonely and ignored and it is probably your fault for putting off eating and social interaction but you just don’t feel UP to eating or social interaction because you just want to sleep forever and never do anything again

[an-actual-real-live-eevee]

(softly) everything is bullshit

[an-actual-real-live-eevee]

do you ever think that a person has hurt and angered you as much as they possibly can, like there’s just no lower they can sink here, there’s no farther your opinion of them can drop, you cannot be surprised by anything they do

and then you learn something new and you just. you find yourself surprised by the thing they did! you find yourself kind of hurt and angry all over again!

like goddamn wow amazing

how did you even manage that one

[an-actual-real-live-eevee]

tfw you’re peopled out and talking is upsetting and anxiety-inducing, but you GOTTA have That Attention(tm) so the second you close chats and stuff your brain just starts screaming to open them again

[an-actual-real-live-eevee]

you know I try really hard, IRL, most of the time to be like

“hey it’s cool, even if there are some things I’ll never be able to do because of my mental illnesses or developmental disabilities or physical disabilities, I can still live a fulfilling life and do things I like!”

and it’s not like that’s untrue. there’s still things I like to do that I can do without interference from those things, or with minimal enough interference that they’re still possible.

but at the same time

sometimes there’s stuff I’d really, REALLY like to do, that I can’t do, or that is so goddamn difficult for me to do that I can almost never do the thing, because of one or more of the above. and that’s....super frustrating.

[an-actual-real-live-eevee]

me: I deserve good things.

my brain, immediately, smacking me with a rolled-up newspaper: no! no! no! no! BAD!

[an-actual-real-live-eevee]

me: I am not doing well.

me:

me:

me: time to ignore all my friends for weeks until I feel better, because I can't tell any of them I'm not doing well and I also can't fake things well enough to talk to them still.

[an-actual-real-live-eevee]

wow, is it time to be up all night panicking and crying already

[an-actual-real-live-eevee]

hm. so. once again, it’s been Some Time since I posted here. it’s hard to keep track, I dissociate so much that time may as well not exist, but....

I thought maybe I’d share some good news with y’all, instead of my usual depressed state?

long story real short: my current living situation is not my favorite, and also in approximately three-ish months, it’s going to end, and I wasn’t totally sure where I was gonna go....but I found a place to move in to with some people I like and know!

I’m a little anxious about space and stuff, but hey, at least I know myself and the others are on the same page about, like. life situations, money, cleanliness of spaces...that sort of thing. and it’s nice to be moving in with people I trust!

so...yeah. that’s the nice life update for the moment.

[an-actual-real-live-eevee]

I sit upon a throne of lies and poor choices

[an-actual-real-live-eevee]

me: okay, brain, we're about to try and talk about how suicidal I am with a close friend of mine. this is a fairly serious topic... how should I open the conversation?

my brain: ...make a meme about it

me:

me:

me: BRILLIANT.

[an-actual-real-live-eevee]

the question: what is stopping me from telling people how I’m feeling

the answer: I have no fucking idea. I just can’t tell them directly. if a friend followed this blog and just SAW I wasn’t feeling well and messaged me I’d talk, but beyond that, there’s just a FUCKING WALL and it cannot be overcome.