amyishealing

[amyishealing]

addicted

I think I might be addicted

Not to pills or drinks or sex

But to things most would say are harmless

Except it turns out they can ruin your life

Like they have mine

See, I'm addicted to this person

I think about him all the time

Wondering when I'll see him next

And I'm addicted to being sick

The feeling is so comfortable

I don't think I can let go of it

And I'm addicted to attention

I crave it all the time

Nothing compares to when I get it

[amyishealing]

attention seeker

You know what?

I do do it for attention

I want your it so badly

It's the force behind everything I do

My mind is begging you to notice me

To remember me

I just want you to care for me

And I wish it didn't have to be this way

But it just is

I hate myself for it

But what can I do?

I guess I'll keep destroying myself

For a sliver of your attention

[amyishealing]

broken

The night I met you everything changed

You left me broken in a way I never thought I would be

But here I am

In pieces on the floor

[amyishealing]

you ruined me

Your presence lingers on my body

Your fingerprints are tattooed on my skin

I can't touch myself without feeling you

Every time I go out I get scared

That I'll meet another you

Cause I know there's others out there

I get so relieved when I get home

Without repeating that night

I know it's sad but it's true

I see your face all around me

You haunt me every day

Are you hiding in the shadows?

And all I want is some closure

So I can finally move on

Leave you in my past where you belong

But I don't think the cops

Can even give me that

No trial or sentence will be enough

So I'll have to go on

Your face in my mind

Your hands on my body

[amyishealing]

hoping

The desperation I feel has led me

To find every way I can possibly

Make this come true

I'm clutching at straws now

My fate is all but out of my hands

But I won't accept that

So I'll get out the rosary beads

And clutch onto them

I'll get on my knees and beg

Until I'm crying

Let him know I need this

More than anything I ever have before

[amyishealing]

a eulogy

It was me who killed you

I pushed you down and smothered you

And hid you from the world

Kept your body in the closet

So I could remember your face

When I missed you

I'd tell you how I'm sorry

For what I've done to you

But sorry isn't the right word

Because I don't think I am sorry

And I'm not sure if I really miss you either

But part of me is sad to know

You're dead now

So I guess this is

Goodbye

To the girl I was

[amyishealing]

Your words

Each note

The emotions

I feel them all

As though they are mine

Why do your words hit me so hard?

How do you know how I feel?

What I've done

And where I've been

In this life of eternal sadness?

You put into words

What I cannot

Help me discover emotions

I could never bring up

Feelings translated into chords

Do you hurt the way I do?

Are you capable of feeling this agony?

All the pain

And the desperation

Of a heart let down so many times?

You dig up old memories

And lay them in front of me

Piling on the emotions

Until I'm buried beneath them

And I'm back there again

[amyishealing]

can't help myself

I walk past your building

Every time I get the chance

Because that’s the closest I’ll get to you

For now at least

You take up my thoughts

Every day

That image of you comforts me

I just can’t help myself

I listen to songs

And go to places

That remind me of you

I write stupid poems

And you fill my journal

I spend so much time

Doing things for you

I just can’t help myself

I look at your photo

And emails you sent me

To remind me of you

I just want your eyes in mine

Your voice in my ears

Your presence in mine

Just one more time

I just can’t help myself

I know you’d run

If you knew how I feel

I question my sanity

You’d think I was insane

It’s wrong

It’s obsessive

I know that

I just can’t help myself

[amyishealing]

nights of pain // part 2

I was startled by the horn

Took a step back as people passed

I shivered in my gown

Stood there

Mind blank

It's empty

Tonight will be an adventure

Finally freedom from captivity

I'm out on my own now

Step off

Walk out

Where to

Walked miles along the roads

Laying down on a street bench

I'm sure they'll find me soon

Dark night

Phone call

Lights pass

They didn't find me

They left out here alone

I have to save myself now

Let down

Go back Be strong

[amyishealing]

I wonder if I'll ever get better

Hope always just out of reach

Recovery always just one more step

I think I'll be like this forever

[amyishealing]

why can you just see that you belong to me?

you’re mine mine mine mine mine!!

[amyishealing]

i just want to be noticed. someone to remember me

☝️this is like a prayer to me.

[amyishealing]

i would do literally anything to see him again

[amyishealing]

nights of pain // part 1

I sat alone enveloped in blue

My eyes fixed on metal rails below

The screech of brakes grew closer

Stand up

Deep breath

It's time

He saw me on the cold concrete

An easy catch for the night ahead

I didn't even need bait

Small talk

Just walk

Have fun

A glass turned to a bottle

We head down the alleyway

His face is pressed against mine

Just relax

Let go

It's fine

I'm pinned against the seat

The thrusts and pain get stronger

It will be over soon

Stay still

Keep quiet

Don't cry

[amyishealing]

potential

god I had so much potential

participated in prodigious pastimes

and showered with pretentious praises

a true people pleaser

a potentially problematic disposition

and I guess I proved that

because now I have problems

that keep piling up

and probably will

forever