amundsenroute

[amundsenroute]

As I sit and think

Dear readers, it’s been a while since my last post.

I’ve been caught up with the ups and downs of life, living day by day, until I reached this moment that encouraged me to write again.

Lots of things have been bothering my mind to the point that I don’t know where or how to start. Lots to unpack. 

First, I haven’t been feeling good about myself. I feel unworthy as a person, uncapable to do most things, even the basic ones. I feel like I’m not as good as capable as I perceived myself to be. I would tell myself this and that, and I’m not even closer to either of those. I’m still far from reaching the things I say about myself. I’m a loser with too much silly fears. For how long do I have to keep disappointing myself and others who had hopes for me. 

Second, I feel sad most times. I tend to feel sad when I’m by myself. I feel bad for myself. I feel pathetic as a person. Growing up in an unaffectionate and dysfunctional home should have made me tough facing life and dealing with things, but no.. I ended up being a sensitive person with a weak heart. I have low self-esteem. It’s difficult to get out of it. I’m trying to change myself and break the unhealthy patterns, but it takes time and energy. I feel mentally and emotionally drained. I hate and tired having to explain myself over and over again, cause it’s not as easy as simple as most people think or imagined. They don’t even try to be in my shoes.

Third, I’m tired. I wish you could see how much I tried and the effort I have put to change the way I think and live. 

That’s all for now. I’m too tired, but I feel slightly better after putting some of my thoughts here.

Thank you.

With gratitude,

[amundsenroute]

Be in love with your life — every detail of it.

Jack Kerouac, Selected Letters, 1940-1956 (via quotespile)

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Conversations With Friends - Sally Rooney

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Philosopher."Happiness in solitude".

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Of my private life I have nothing to say: it does not concern others. I have always had little liking for autobiographies and have no interest in anyone’s affairs. History proper and novels hold no attractions for me except insofar as, I can discern there, as within our immortal revolution, the adventures of the mind.

Pierre-Joseph Proudhon, Confessions of a Revolutionary (via philosophybits)

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Hunger not to have, but to be.

John Dewey, The Poems of John Dewey (via philosophybits)

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All day long I would be training myself to think, to understand, to criticize, to know myself; I was seeking for the absolute truth: this preoccupation did not exactly encourage polite conversation.

Simone de Beauvoir, Memoirs of a Dutiful Daughter (via philosophybits)

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I don’t know what to write - April 28th, 2022

I don’t know what to write, so I’m going to write about I don’t know what to write. I’m trying to stay commited to write once a month.

In 2021, I attended a quarter life crisis seminar that my university held. I had the opportunity to have private session with a psychologist. There I explained some of the problems I’ve been facing - I don’t know what I’m good at, I have commitment issues with everything in life, I get bored quickly, I like so many things, I want things to be perfect, yada yada yada. Long story short, she asked me to tell her just 3 things I like. Took me a while, but I said, writing, animals, and I don’t remember the third one. After that, she challenged me to write for a month, it doesn’t have to be something big, could be about anything, even just to write as simple as short as hello or some random words - as long as I write every single day. The goal was to build a consistent habit and to get every empty page filled. Which I failed.

I don’t know what the hell is my problem. Why can’t I just do things? There was this quote, I don’t remember exactly how it was written, but it goes something like this - when you’re about to do something, don’t think too much about it, once you do, you won’t be doing it. Does that makes sense?

I’m a bad writer, but the point is to write after all, at least for now. I would like to write a full story, but not sure if I’m capable to do something that big yet. When I listen to music, I would get some snippets of scenes and stories that fit the vibe of the songs. I guess we all experience that. Having said that, it reminds me of this quote by William James, “We are like islands in the sea, separate on the surface but connected in the deep”.

I have so many things to say, but there’s just too many to the point that I just don’t know what to write about and I’m struggling to put them into words.

Anyways, that’s all I have to say for now.

If I don’t see you around, I’ll see you square, ciao!

[amundsenroute]

I am perpetually stuck between the desire to connect deeply with those I love and the desire to live in utter solitude. I fear equally, being disconnected from myself as much as I fear being disconnected from others.

The more time I spend alone, I feel the tug from two directions: the need to step outside my isolation and encounter the world outside of myself…and the desire to protect the world within from the unsolicited disturbances from the world without.

[amundsenroute]

One can’t understand everything at once, we can’t begin with perfection all at once! In order to reach perfection one must begin by being ignorant of a great deal. And if we understand things too quickly, perhaps we shan’t understand them thoroughly.

Fyodor Dostoevsky, The Idiot (via freelance-philosopher)

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— Haruki Murakami, 1Q84

[text ID: We cannot simply sit and stare at our wounds forever. We must stand up and move on to the next action.]

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These are the little treasures you find while buying used books.

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sometimes, i choose my next read.

most times,

it chooses me.

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the academic urge to lie on the floor because of existential angst

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Simone de Beauvoir, from Diary of a Philosophy Student: Volume 1, 1926-1927; August 6th, 1926

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It's in my nature to stay in my corner and watch the others. I enjoy my little observations.

-Colette, tr. by Matthew Ward, from the collected stories, "The Accompanist"

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Tulip in the back garden.

Happy Earth Day! Take in the goodness. Nature is love in another form.