always-me-meha

[always-me-meha]

Am I wrong to have all these photos, videos, 'diary/journal' writings.......

Like should I wipe it all away for my own sake 😔

Let go of everything.

What am i leaving this all for?

Myself to mourn over? Be confused who I am? To cry and be ashamed of, reminded of, never to let go and move away from?

Everything i have.... on my computer.... my phone..... memory sticks.... this page.... my journals.....

[always-me-meha]

Crash n burn.

I wanna cry but to numb n exhausted atm.

'Shed no tears for that sucker'

It's hard not wanting to reach out but I'm already a joke. Gotta stand my ground.

[always-me-meha]

Happy and sad. Weird combination.

[always-me-meha]

Ahaha I look so happy in the snap I made for a friend (terribly) singing the song. ☺️

[always-me-meha]

Remembered a song. That cheered me up like crazy jusy now, throwing my arms in the air singing, BEING ME!!!!! (Made me wanna do a video? Won't be sexy lol)

I showed him it before in the car, seeing him mouth the words, I'm like oh you know it? Yeah, but play the actual song.

I listened to what I assume was the version he meant. No. This.... is more me lol

Let me BE MYSELF!!!!!! 🤗😝🤪

[always-me-meha]

Blah blah blah

I wrote him a huge write up.

How I loved him soooooo and I was so sorry for when I treat him like shit ect.

All the things he'd love to hear.

Then i added the stuff he wouldn't like but I had to say soooooo we could work things through. Even if it MEANT BEING JUST FRIENDS AGAIN Who could still support eachother .

But I realized it was all to much writing. So I didn't even really give it all to him..... how I wanted to. I didn't have time to shorten it as he was leaving..... like I got to talk to him a whole 10 mins that day. We immediately started arguing.

Like HE CANT TAKE A SIMPLE . Three words I say, as a I instantly wanna argue. Bruh It's me simply disagreeing. Sorry you hate that so fucking much. That I have to just go with everything you say.

Or not even that like he can't just 'jokingly have a short little nuh uh back n forth till we agree to disagree or whatever or laugh idc' like fuck. It has to always be i don't have time for this shit peace.

Anyway didn't matter i broke up with him same night 🥹

[always-me-meha]

I'm saaaad again 😢

I need a hoot (weed) and to put the phone down.

I ain't gonna let me heart be hurt over something that's not real lol again. 🥸

Also as if I'm single tho lol like actually this time.

As long as he doesn't trick me to come back. He stayed quiet though. Which is what i needed, him to DROP IT.

It's a tug of war usually. Where we're both like BYE, BYE, BYE, YOU STOP REPLYING, YOU STOP, GO AWAY BLOCK ME.

God man. I know I'm childish but he's a blind man child himself.

[always-me-meha]

I would have had a 2am pizza party with you

Hahaha it would've been better than me talking to myself for sure 😂

[always-me-meha]

Fuck down the Google rabbit hole.

Why am I doing this to myself? Getting my hopes up to be crushed smh...

Shut up.... it's stress..... go back to sleep.

And i found my way to 'phantom pregnancy'

Story of my life. Delusional.

***accepted it is indeed phantom. Pms here we come. I feel you lol

[always-me-meha]

Just a vent. About not experiencing having my own baby......

Truthfully...... all my life i wanted a baby haha

Sadly convinced I can't have any..... I never was the safest 🙄 in some stupid way hoping it'd happen. To prove I'm wrong lol

I hate right now I'm going through the struggle of feeling like this time, this is it.... when i know in my heart it's not....(which is a good thing) but still, hurts going through everytime. 🥺💔patiently waiting for my period rn so the hope/pain will go away.

Vent continues....

Girls can have sex ONCE n get pregnant or multiple times! I had to hear my friend have an abortion twice or she'd have 4 kids now instead of the 2 she kept (one planned i think)....... Like da hell, Why never me ? She didn't even wanna keep the first one.... now i have to listen to her happy family..... be happy for her....just hard.....

Anyway. Me and caige have not been safe at a ALLLLL since we made it offical in Sept. Cause that same day I got the call about my abnormal cells being back.

Having to decide i may need an hysterectomy 💔 aka 100% no baby for me 😭😭

At least when it's just me believing I can't, there was always hope for a miracle one day?

But with that surgery.... means no miracle ever...

So it just felt like limited time to say fuck it? Be reckless. If it happens before the clock strikes down..... There's my miracle..... though I know it's wrong. We both have health issues. Why pass that down yenno? It's selfish really.

I am selfish.... I'm not healthy. Mentally. Or physically due to jib this year. Like wow. Sorry you were brought to this world cause mum and dad were high on meth 🙄 (if it happened)

I always wanted to be healthy when I planned to have a baby with someone..... no drinking, smokes, natta. Before I even got into hard drugs.

Times ticking tho...... oh well. I'm single again. It's to late i guess now... unless i get the call next week I'm still okay without a surgery for awhile... she said i looked 'good' at my appointment. Doctors lie tho so you don't stress. We will see... but doesn't matter i won't get laid or have a man again in the near future, so boo it's pointless. (Unless my stupid ass crawls back to him if he reaches out)

Anyway basically... my stupid brain when it picks up on things feeling off with my body......it starts convincing hey maybe this is it????? The symptoms are there.... trying to NOT GET MY HOPES UP by googling stuff.... where your brain tricks you into having more related symptoms.

I've been through it SOOO many times. I get convinced.... I wait and wait... till i can take a test or for my period to be late/missed. My body will trick me... make me wait, where I finally I test and of course it's always negative.. then basically surprise bitch here's your period now.

I even fucking track my period since we started hooking up to be 'safe' in the beginning, avoid certain FERTILE weeks lol. Tho I know I can't have a baby. Just idk a precaution anyway. Also im irregular af... so made sense to give me a heads up its coming at some point lol instead of always forgetting when I last had it ehhh.

Plus uhmmmm I'm supper BITCHY AF and miserable (I'm bipolar so like this is MAD MAD bitchy) a week or 2 leading up to my period. I don't need a calender... I just FORGET that's why I'm in those moods till it's like oh? Period started.... That's why I was so bitchy lolol i should know this by now smh 😒 gets me everytime. Oof i can't control those moody weeks either, I'm accused of being a bitch on purpose..... when i explain it's not me trying to be!!!!!!

Alsooooo i did use to track when we had sex Lol incase it did happen I'd have an idea 🙄 ( I gave up tracking that tho. Once in awhile, I'll mark it down) it kind of was depressing to see on a calender how heated we used to be for eachother non stop and then idk. Guess honeymoon phase died lol

Lol I just looked at it... it says i only got laid once each month lately LMFAO i know i got laid wayyyyy more then that. so yeah I did just stop caring to mark it down. I realized it was pointless.

He was always strict with pulling out before.... Anyways.... we just been dumb. Never pull out anymore 😬 think either.... he's convinced now it won't happen and feels comfortable with it, or he wants to trap me lol

orrrrr we both knew the option to try is limited timing.... without either of us saying it outloud. Idk really... I don't....

Anyway.... as much as I wanna baby.... it's a good thing it won't happen.... not with how toxic we are together. The mix of our mental health issues and drug usage just bad bad bad...... baby derseves better. Aka not to exist.

As i lay here..... wondering still if I'm pregnant or not....

Like..... I didn't pay attention or like stalk the calender at all since we started being reckless, marking down each time, none of it.

I just left it all alone. It's been my body that TOLD ME last week hey somethings different here.....

But it tricks me always so i don't believe it 😒 i easily could be just going through stress, trauma, withdrawals.

I'm so saaaad. Like 13th is my period estimate date... I don't think I've been grouchy at all???? Usually my first sign.

I'm not wasting money on a test to even check and feel hurt seeing that stupid negative symbol.

When ill know for free in a week or 2 lol

Hell my body is gonna be a bitch i feel it..... making me suffer till the last minuet waiting.... intentionally making my period come way LATERRRRR. So I'll be like OH SHIT and like naw got youuuu. Here you go.

[always-me-meha]

Fell asleep before I could eat some more pizza lol (all i ate was a small corner piece) my body sooo hungry man. I got a wicked ass headache.

So woo 1 am pizza party 🥳🍕

I never EVER listen to my body like this. I don't care what it tells me lol Usually it's 'munchies' that take over or stress eating. Not my body telling me its needing something cause again I don't LISTEN too it haha

****** i do know internally when the engine has to have some solid fuel to keep a goin 🚂 and how I need it to keep mentally afloat. ******

Generally, I eat like once a day most times lol Hate hate hate when people force me to eat, all my life lol especially huge ass portions. I eat when i want to lol I don't even like eating in public unless its planned with a friend. Hate social dinners/family dinners, where I HAVE to like get a plate and force myself agh. To not look rude af smh.

Anyway, I was 100 % starting to lose my mind again (drug induced, my bad) so this could be me just knowing BY YEARS of experience, ah bipolar life haha how to pull myself back and manage. I have to eat n sleep to maintain a level of 'stability'.

I know i wont magically be stable cause im like FOOD. SLEEP. SOBER but yeah i can still like save myself from going over the deep end which is better then nothing. 🤷🏼‍♀️

* did not mean for this to be another word vomit lol can rarely keep it short n sweet. Yup.... oops.... one more slice and i go back to sleep.

This ended being an hour pizza party for 3 sliced squares, not big.... I type here as I wait for each slice to cool haha

2 am pizza party now! 🥳🍕

[always-me-meha]

Reminder: you are amazing ☺️

Awe!🥰 thankyou so much!!! 🤗

[always-me-meha]

Okie im checking out. Before I get depressy.

I need sleep.

[always-me-meha]

Maaaan im fine but I'm bummed out.

How you magnetize towards someone..... getting closer and closer. Then BAM sparks fly 💥 you guys can't keep away from each other or hands off each other.

Then you lose eachother for a while.....

Finally are back together ...... the magnet bringing you closer again.... & BANG! 💥

Then it dies faster then it could fully ever begin...... feeling the pull away..... shame...

[always-me-meha]

Got tiny bit of food in my tummy. Will eat abit more still. Try and get some if not a good night's sleep.

Idk what I am rn. I'm just hoping what I'm experiencing goes away lol

As long as I'm not dealing with permanent jib effects...... is my paranoia. But I'm am running on 3 hrs of sleep since Saturday night.

Crazy how just one night of hoots after being sober for almost 2 weeks. Makes ya feel again like the old days. That's what I hated....

I hated our bonding was getting high on jib together..... like I loved it but i hate that's what it became.

When weed was all we needed when we first met.

[always-me-meha]

Mawhahahaha He read my messages finally. No answer is a good answer.

We done. Or he's expecting me to come back eventually wanting hoots or something lol NOT.

Or maybe he'll actually think for fucking once if I'm worth it to him or not. Wishful thinking.

Anyway im freeee, being im a Rollercoaster rn. I had my emotional breakdown over him hours ago. Right now my minds distracted with uh me lolol

I left him before. This time was easier really cause of the way he treated me. I know my worth!!!!!

I think what helped was he was offline that entire time I struggled to send, well i LEFT 2 messages lol that i just settled with. Everything I wrote was a waste, so I just kept unsending. He knows I'm nuts whatever. He don't care haha and yeah cause he was offline. I was able to emotionally deal with it without his interruptions or cruel comments. That would trigger me being pathetic.

I just struggle with letting go is all. But feels like a weight is off my shoulder hahah

He lucky I even stayed as long as I did. Smh mainly for jib n sex. Cause he wasn't mean during those times 😏 (I never had sex for drugs ever in my life lol just throwing that out there lol)

[always-me-meha]

(Slot Machine. Addict. Trigger Warning.)

This actual isn't an encouraging post. You see as i write, how the stress starts to build because it takes you down so fast....and my realization. It's not a game.......

I started typing this excitedly. Saying why it's fun to me. So yes, i sound cheerful about it at first, forgetting the hell it's caused all year.

Continue reading if not easily triggered.

Lol I love explaining my slot addiction.

It's a game to me. The money I win are tokens to keep playing for fun!!!!!! Till I'm satisfied or get bored basically, which wooo possibly i walk away with something, or i run out of tokens and leave with nothing.

The problem is.... when you put a 20 in, and it's gone in 2 seconds.... no tokens to even scratch the itch. So you put in more money.... same thing.... and more....by now you try again hoping you win back what you put in plus tokens lol you keep going and going, trying to chase your losses.... it takes one fucking spin to save you. I put all this money in? It has to give me something soon.... I can't just stop....

I start dipping to payment money, confident I'll at least somehow I'll win that back! While giving myself a chance to continue chasing my losses cause I'm now broke, I need to win. It's not a game rn. Fuck.... I need to at least win that payment money back now. That's all that matters. But it just doesn't stop ...... till there's nothing.....

I panic and having a emotional breakdown..... trying to figure out how to cover it. I've been through this to many times before..... I feel sick.... I wanna .....

Yeah... it's a vicious addiction for me and many others. It ruins relationships, trust, ect.... you financially lose everything..... people start to hate you for borrowing money. Often. Covering your mistakes over and over again. They stop helping. Eventually, no one will help you.

Ah .... yes, I'm losing all help if I fuck up again, I just realized....... I really won't have anyone to save me if I do it again 😔 I had to ask my grandpa to help me this time..... I didn't admit i lost due to gambling. I will pay him back. I always do.