alphaspoetry

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This house birthed me, but it never held the warmth of home. I was the unwanted echo in its halls, a burden dressed as a daughter.

"You weren't our proudest," they said. Why would they respect me? "You weren't our favorite child," they whispered. Why should they cherish me?

At fifteen, I was called grown, accused of laziness even as I scrubbed the floors. "You do nothing," they spat while I hid behind the glow of my screen, desperate to escape a reality that cut deeper than their words. They asked why I was always alone, but they never noticed I was there. "I'm your mother," they proclaimed, yet why did I feel like a rival, locked in a competition I never asked to join?

Every attempt to speak was met with shouts, walls rising between us thicker than blood.Mothers were supposed to be safe havens, the first best friends, anchors in life’s storms. But I found solace in strangers, trusting the unfamiliar over the one who gave me life. You terrified me. I searched for escapes in every shadow. Even school, once a prison, became my sanctuary, a place where I could breathe.

I’ve stared into mirrors, hating the reflection they held. Ugly, useless, a pig—your words etched themselves into my skin. I rubbed my face raw, desperate to scrub away the shame, praying the ugliness would vanish.

I wished for death, whispered prayers for peace in the quiet of my broken nights. Each dawn was a battle I didn’t want to fight, each morning a cruel reminder that chaos was waiting. “Kill yourself,” my mind chanted like a twisted lullaby. I longed for an end—not just to my pain, but to your burden. I wanted to see if anyone would care, if anyone would mourn the girl who lived unseen. I dreamed of wounds that bled love, of scars that might finally make you look. But all I ever wanted was to be loved, to be heard, to be seen.

This house gave me life, but it never gave me a home. It birthed my body, but it buried my soul.

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favoritism

Wasn’t favoritism the silent truth every parent denies yet carries in they action? My mother, no different, denies it with a fury, her anger sparking every time I try to call it out. Yet denial does not erase the truth—it lingers in the corners of our lives, etched into every uneven glance, every unbalanced word. Ask the loudest child in the room, and she will tell you. She will tell you how her voice rose to match the walls, desperate to shatter the silence where love once stood, a silence carved by the attention stolen and given elsewhere.

"You’re jealous,” they say.

“We don’t play favorites.”

“You’re cruel for thinking such things.”

"Why can't you love your sibling instead of envying her?"

Jealous? They name it jealousy as if I birthed the envy in my own chest, as if they didn’t sow the seeds of longing and nurture them with their neglect. Did I write this script of pain? Am I the villain in my own story? Is it wrong to feel the ache of an invisible love, the kind given freely to another but withheld from me? Am I wrong for feeling this ache?, for noticing the difference, for questioning why i was never treated right? These questions loop endlessly in my mind, heavy as the silence that follows their denial. Every time I see them smiling together, I feel the tug—a reminder of a love that was never mine.

But am I wrong to feel this way? Perhaps not. For even the unloved have the right to ache. Even the unseen have the right to yearn. And maybe, just maybe, the fault isn’t mine to bear. The truth is simple: love is not a competition, yet they made it one. I didn’t lose because I wasn’t worthy—I lost because they never looked my way.

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my gaze lost in the storm. Each drop that struck the glass seemed like the earth shedding tears it could no longer hold, releasing a grief I wished I, too, could share. The world sobbed openly, its sorrow a symphony, while mine remained a silent weight pressing against my chest, aching for release.I looked up, eyes glistening with unshed tears, yearning for a voice, a touch—someone to strip away the heaviness that gnawed at my soul. My heart whispered into the void, sending messages into the silence, delivered for hours from the people i loved. Hours passed, each moment stretching like a lifetime, my words lingering unanswered in the air.While they laughed and shared moments with their own friends, I waited—desperately, hopelessly—for a reply, a lifeline. Just a simple text, a sign that someone was listening. I longed to tell them how I felt, to pour out the storm swirling inside me, but their absence spoke louder than any silence ever could.I had listened to their sorrows, understood their silences, yet in my darkest hour, their absence was a cold void. Who was there to understand me?

I thought of the faces I called family, and a bitter chuckle escaped my lips—dry, hollow, like wind through barren branches. To them, I was a disappointment, a burden cursed in hushed tones and harsh whispers. The word "home" tasted like ash on my tongue, and the walls that should have held love instead held shadows.I am surrounded by faces, yet the emptiness clings to me like a shadow—an island of loneliness adrift in an ocean of indifference. So many familiar voices, yet none who could hear the quiet cracking of my soul. The silence grew heavier, pressing in like a phantom, a cruel companion that knew me too well.Once again, I am just a lonely child waiting—waiting for the world to bury me, for the rain to wash me away.

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My childhood trauma didn't make me stronger. it made me a people pleaser. it made me forgive way too much. it made me not speak when i'm supposed to. it made me an extreme empath.

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“The people who are meant to be in your life will always gravitate back towards you, no matter how far they wander.”

— Robert Tew

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I said I don't care, but deep down, I know I do, I said I won't go back, but my heart knows the truth. Inside, there's a whisper I can't seem to ignore, I'd return in a heartbeat if they knocked on my door.

If they spoke sweetly, if they called out my name, I'd forget all the heartache, erase all the blame. I'd cling to those moments, the laughter we had, Ignoring the pain, pretending it's not so bad.

I could never get over, I can't just move on, My heart holds the memories, even when they're gone. No matter the hurt, the tears that still sting, I can't find the anger, it's just not my thing.

And yeah, it sucks, this heart that forgives, That holds onto hope and the love that once lived. But that's who I am, with all of my flaws, A heart that stays open, despite all it saw.

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how does it feel when you keep making me look like a fool? when you keep letting me drown in my thoughts in the middle of the night asking myself

"am i not enough?".

was it satisfying?

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You know what's really baffling these days? How some folks think it's cool to be rude and disrespectful. Call me old-fashioned, but I just can't wrap my head around the idea of throwing insults left and right and then proudly wearing the label of "savage" like it's a badge of honor. Seriously, who decided that being mean equals being cool? It's like witnessing a bizarre circus act where rudeness is the main attraction. What's even more mind-boggling is seeing people belittle others with sarcasm and then patting themselves on the back for being oh-so-cool. Sorry, but I'll take kindness and empathy over rudeness and sarcasm any day. After all, being genuinely nice never goes out of style.After all, true coolness isn't about being rude; it's about lifting others up and spreading positivity wherever you go. Ruqayya Akram

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Sensitive soul

Ah, the emotional souls among us – they're like open books, wearing their hearts on their sleeves and feeling everything with such intensity. But let me tell you, they're not fools; they're just wired to feel beyond the norm. If you know someone's an emotional person, tread lightly if you can't see things from their perspective. They're the ones who'll pour their whole heart into loving you, who'll give you the moon and stars if they could. Getting attached to them means they're ready to invest their whole being in you. Sure, you might need a breather, but for them, those words linger like a haunting melody, echoing in their minds for years to come. Moving on might seem like a breeze for you, but for an emotional person, it's like trying to piece together a shattered mirror – each shard a painful reminder of what once was. So, handle their hearts with care, for they're fragile yet filled with boundless love. || Ruqayya Akram

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You know, I've been doing some thinking lately, and it's occurred to me just how incredibly lucky I am to have the friends that I do. I might not always say it out loud, but every day I'm grateful for their presence in my life. They've been there for me in ways they probably don't even realize, especially during those tough moments when I felt like I was carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. Their kindness, their laughter, and their unwavering support have been like a beacon of light guiding me through the darkest of times. So, to my dear friends, wherever you are, just know that you're always in my thoughts and prayers. You're the real MVPs, and I couldn't imagine my life without you.

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Absence with presence!!!

Our bond was so strong, a bond like no other I thought it would last forever, our hearts forever together

But time does strange things, and sometimes changes our bonds I still see you, but our bond has grown apart

I miss the feeling of being close, our moments together But somehow it feels like you're far away, we're worlds apart forever

I know we're close, but our bond is gone I hope one day we can rekindle our bond, and be one again

So let's take this time to reach out, and bring back our bond I'd love for us to bond again, like we used to when we were young.

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Just because someone can't do one thing, Doesn't mean they can't do anything. You can't force a fish to fly, But that doesn't mean it can't swim.

So don't give up or feel defeated, Just because you failed at something once. Find what you're good at and pursue it, That's how you'll reach your goals and win.

Everyone has different strengths and weaknesses, And that's okay, it's what makes us unique. Don't let failure define you, Instead, use it as a chance to grow and become more great.

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📖 books i read in 2023: haunting/hunting adeline by h. d. carlton

“No matter how far I run, how hard I try to escape you—you're everywhere I go. You're everything I see. Loving you is like being trapped in a house of mirrors, little mouse. And I've never felt so at home while being so lost inside you.”

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"When you make someone fall in love with the darkest parts of you, there’s nothing you can do that will scare them away. They will be yours forever because they already love all the fucked up bits and pieces of you."

"I have never pretended to be a good person. But what I did do was create my own fucking morals to live by. I will keep killing every deranged individual who resides on this goddamn planet if it means children don’t have to die, and you don't have to live in danger."

"What you’re seeing now is what I see every day. No matter how far I run, how hard I try to escape you—you’re everywhere I go. You’re everything I see. Loving you is like being trapped in a house of mirrors, little mouse. And I’ve never felt so at home while being so lost inside you."

"Love is an enigma, and it's redefined "

"No matter how far I run, how hard I try to escape you --you're everywhere I go. You're everything I see. Loving you is like being trapped in a house of mirrors, little mouse. And I've never felt so at home while being so lost inside you."

"I love storms—I just don’t like to be in them. I’d prefer to cuddle up under the blankets with a mug of tea and a book while listening to the rain fall."

H.D. Carlton, Haunting Adeline (Cat and Mouse Duet, #1)

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A wound upon my heart, A cold blade in my chest. A darkness in my soul, The one I trusted, least. I thought you'd be there, To catch me when I fell. But the moment I went crashing down You pushed me into the depths of hell.

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The Night

The Night

The stars, the moon, the dark, The night, the shadows, all so stark, The quiet, the calm, the lonely, The sorrow, the joy, so much to discover, The cold, the wind, the rain, The love, the hate, the pain, The beauty, the horror, wrapped up in one, The night, so mysterious, always there to comfort or to frighten, The night, the night, with its secrets and its treasures, The night, a world that's mine and mine alone, to discover and to cherish.

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Monster

To love me in the darkest nights Is to love a beast A monster with sharp claws and fangs A beast with eyes of fire.

I am a shadow in the night A nightmare you cannot forget, A creature that will never rest, But will forever haunt.

To love me is to know despair A pain that will never heal, A love that will forever scar, But a love that is real.

So if you dare to love me still Despite the darkness that I bring, I will be your wildest thrill, And your darkest everything.