almond-bori

[almond-bori]

Awkward Affection

Dear Dad,

I remember when I was a little kid, my favorite thing to do was hold your hand as we walked. I can’t recall a specific or detailed memory to mind, but the feeling of holding your hand has stayed with me all these years. When you held my tiny hand in yours, I felt like I was being protected from all the evils of the world and that your hand was the safest spot in the universe. Simultaneously, I felt loved and encouraged to be whoever I wanted to be. It felt like I could achieve anything I set my heart to. It’s so crazy how a such a small and simple act can bring on such intense and warm feelings. 

As we both grew older, those times became less and less. We grew distant to the point that it felt like I didn’t even know who you were anymore. All I knew was that you were my dad and that was it. We didn’t hang out anymore and we didn’t talk like we used to. Despite this, I don’t feel as bitter towards you than I do towards Mom. Maybe because we didn’t interact as much. You were always quiet and never told us your thoughts directly. You would convey it to Mom and she would then relay it to us. That made me think that maybe you didn’t really care about us as much. You couldn’t remember what elementary school we went to and you didn’t know what we liked to eat or didn’t like to eat. But, I dismissed it as typical Asian dad behavior. Even though you wouldn’t be able to tell us what our favorite restaurant was, if there was ever anything we needed or something we expressed an interest in, you would go above and beyond to make it happen. You would go out of your way to give us what we wanted, in a subtle way. If we wanted to eat pears, you would come back with boxes full of pears. Enough to last us a month probably, but you did it without saying a word. You would quietly leave them for us to notice and eat.

Because your love for us was always so subtle, I never really realized how much you cared for us. When I wanted to keep going out to visit my friends and escape from being at home, you gave me a lecture about how precious time is. About how much you wanted to see us stay at home because once we graduate and have our own lives, we’ll be seeing each other less and less. That the time we have now should be treasured. In the days following the lecture, I would see you do small things for me. Making me a cup of tea. Asking me how my day is. Coming to check in with me several times a day. All of that done in your typical, awkward fashion. It opened my eyes to the fact that you care about us a lot - you’re just not good at expressing it to us and neither am I.

Dad, I appreciate everything you have done for me. I can’t say I agree with everything you believe in, but in the end you are still my dad. You are still there to support us when we need you. You are, in a way, one of my first superheroes. 

Love,

Your Daughter

[almond-bori]

My Future

Dear My Love,

You already know this, but I used to be really against dating. I thought it was overrated and superficial. The thought was always in my mind that, “why date someone if you’re going to break up eventually? Isn’t it just a waste of time and effort?”. But, as we all know, people change and so do their opinions. This next part will sound so cliche, but after meeting you I couldn’t imagine not dating. I feel like I’ve found a best friend in you and a lifelong partner. 

When we celebrated our 100 days, I couldn’t believe how fast time had passed. It seems like a lot and not a lot at the same time. Even though we were separated due to the pandemic, we were still able to become so close, so quickly. If you had dated the me from even five years ago, it would have been a completely different story. I honestly don’t think we would have gotten as close as we are now until at least a year or two later. Which is why I’m so glad that you walked into my life at the moment you did. We talk about a lot of ‘what ifs’. What if I met you earlier? What if I never met you? What if I went to your high school? And so on. But I’m glad you didn’t meet me earlier or later. When you came into my life, I was at a turning point. I had just gone through a bad “relationship” (it can barely be called one but I was still hurt a lot by what he did), and I felt like I wasn’t worthy of love and I was confused and lost for a while. I needed a fresh start. I prayed to God with desperate tears in my eyes every night for even a small ray of happiness in my life, and I think He heard my prayers and gave me you. 

At first, I could barely believe that someone like you would be interested in me. You seemed so much cooler than me and I was very suspicious. I thought maybe you were a player or a hidden f*ckboi. I was cautious and kept denying the fact that you were flirting with me even though all of my friends could see how obvious you were being. I kept dismissing it and held on to the belief that you were just messing around with me. After a while of hearing so many cheesy things from you, I could tell a confession was coming up soon. I still kept telling myself that I would not agree to it no matter what. Looking back on this, I don’t know why I was so against accepting your interest and love. I think that I was scared that you would get tired of me eventually and that I wasn’t someone worthy of being loved. I couldn’t stand the thought of putting effort into a relationship only to be abandoned in the end. 

But, you were persistent. Like, really, really persistent. Every morning I would get a text from you. Every time I was in the same building, you would come find me. You would wait for me before class and after class. You even came to give me an umbrella because I forgot mine that day and my hair got soaked. When a random guy was hitting on me in the eatery, you came to my rescue. You were persistent, but cautious. You made sure I was comfortable with everything and you stayed aware of my reactions and how I was feeling. With each text you sent and with each moment we spent meeting each other, I came to fall for you more and more. Eventually, I fell in completely. 

I don’t know if it was the cheesy k-drama lines or the love struck look you get on your face whenever you see me, but now I can’t imagine my life without you. I don’t want to imagine my life without you. You’ve made me your world, and I want to make you mine as well. Words can’t express the happiness I feel whenever I am with you. It can’t convey the depth of my love for you either. 

I love you, 小南.

Love,

Your Love

[almond-bori]

Happy For You (Me)

Dear Best Friend,

When I first met you my Freshman year of high school, I truly didn’t expect all the good times that would follow. You are my closest friend and I feel so lucky that you decided to take a chance on me and make me your friend. Many years have passed, and we’ve been through a lot. To me, you are already my family. 

Since going off to our separate universities, I feel like we have become much more distant. This was worsened by the hard times each of us faced. Depression, anxiety, insomnia, heartbreak and so on. You had your heart broken and it hurt you a lot. You disappeared for a while and I wanted to help. But, I was broken too and couldn’t find the energy to be there for you. I was trying to pick up the pieces of myself first in order to come to your rescue, yet I failed. Once again, it was you who reached out to me first and started the conversation. When you did, I tried my best to be there for you and support you in any way that I could. I prayed that you would get better and wish so desperately that things would go back to normal. That we would both find a way to move on.

Another year has already passed and it’s given the both of us time to heal. You’ve finally moved on from your heartbroken days and I’ve found someone that I can trust to take care of my heart. Yet, I was afraid of telling you about how happy I was. You will think I’m crazy, but I’ve never felt happier in my life. I’ve found someone who loves me so much and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. The weird part is, I do too. I want to spend the rest of my life with him because he makes me beyond happy. I feel comforted. Reassured. Loved. Valued. Treasured. Safe. I was afraid of telling you all this because I didn’t want to bring up bad memories of your past experiences with your relationship. At the same time, I was scared of your judgement in how fast I was moving in my relationship. That perhaps I was looking at everything in rose-tinted glasses and that I couldn’t see any red flags, if there were any. 

You said that you had a jaded view about relationships and I know how against marriage you are. Despite that, I really hoped that when I finally told you about my relationship and my experiences, that you would be excited and happy for me. Even if I may be wearing rose-tinted glasses, I am still aware of my own feelings and am listening carefully to my intuition. I always tried my best to be happy for you and to show my enthusiasm and support. I know you’re not a big fan of relationships, but I wish that you could be happy for me at least. Your opinion and thoughts matter a lot to me and I feel empty without your support. I hope that one day I can earn your support for my relationship. In the meantime, I will continue loving him, but also keeping your words of caution in mind. 

Nevertheless, I respect your decisions and opinions. I may not agree completely, but I won’t fight you on them. At the end of the day, you are still my best friend and like a sister to me. Even if we don’t talk as often anymore, and even though I make mistakes, I hope that we can remain as best friends. I just want you to know that you are treasured by me and that I appreciate and love you a lot. 

Love,

The Potato

[almond-bori]

Bitter

Dear Mom,

I don’t know when it all began, but at some point I started to feel bitter. I know you went through a lot of hard times, and I tried my best to be a good daughter so I wouldn’t add burden. But at one point, I started to hate home. I started to hate talking to anyone at home. I wanted to stay out all the time to avoid coming back home. You were making sacrifices to earn money; I was making sacrifices to seem happy. When I left for college, it felt like a giant relief for me. I could finally escape. The thought of having to come back to such an empty house - I hated it. And what I hated the most, was the guilt I felt from having this kind of feeling. I didn’t want to feel this way but I couldn’t hold back my pent-up frustration. I was upset at the life I was living. I kept thinking - why can’t it be just like the others? I see my friends and their families eating dinner together, laughing and talking about their day. I see their parents applauding and cheering for their kids at their events, with proud smiles on their faces. I know you are busy making a living to support our family. Yet, I couldn’t help but feel abandoned. I wanted that same support. 

You guys always believed in how strong and independent I can be. You trusted me to take care of things on my own. While I appreciated that you guys trusted me, I didn’t want to make all those choices on my own. I wanted to be able to lean on you guys. When you guys moved out and left me in charge of the household, I felt like you guys didn’t care about us anymore. It felt like you guys didn’t want the responsibility of taking care of our family. You would push things onto me and I hated that too. I wanted to be spoiled and not have to worry about handling the bills or taking care of your rental homes as a high school student. I wanted a carefree life with my greatest worry being studying for the IB exams. I know that I am already pretty fortunate with this life I have been given. Yet, I’ve come to believe that no matter how small, a problem is still a problem and that my feelings are valid. Everyone has their own inner demons.

Neither of us are good at expressing our feelings or communicating with each other. As a result, I feel like I have become all twisted inside from bottling everything up. I don’t want to feel like this forever, but I haven’t found the courage to talk to you about it yet. There is so much more that I want to say, but I’ll save that for another letter. I know that if I am feeling this way, you have to be bottling some pain up as well. I hope that one day, we can both find the courage to speak our minds to each other. No sugarcoating. Just being honest with each other. 

Love,

Your Daughter