allthingsaredivine-blog

[allthingsaredivine-blog]

10/5/21

OMFG I JUST HAD A WHOLE ENTRY and deleted it like a dumb biiiitch

anyways i was sayin today was good work day. i opened, with hefa which i was not looking forward to at all. L has been saying she was getting a lot of coaching about her opens and i was like fuuuuck she is a stronger partner than me so im stressin right. fosho hit my pen a few times on the way to work. i get there. Scorpy shows up, cool. Sally doesnt show, 30 mins late. ultimately not a big deal, i know shes reliable. but im nervy cuz i gotta run peak with hefa there. and she dont really play no reindeer games, and if L has been getting coached i know i for sure have it coming.  YALL.  when i say today was so fucking smooth, i got complimented by my peers, my boss and it felt so nice to have a plan of action, troubleshoot, and execute it. it makes me want to do more! and dig into the streaming more too. i have so many people telling me i could be good and grow a community. i dont see it, BUT i dont want to live by my limited perception of myself. its held me back too long as it is. yesterday a customer said i had a beautiful aura, and such great energy and i was like floored. it was so nice to hear. i just dont assume that about myself, i guess because i am in my own head the most. i dont want to limit myself anymore. i know i have something to share with the world. i may not always say it right, i can promise you i dont always act how i should because that is part of being human and figuring out how to be who you are and what your impact it. LISTEN to me when i say , that your actions can make ripples, and those ripples will grow into waves, and you may never ever be be able to see those beautiful peaks come to fruition, but to be a part of that??? im some incremental, anonymous way?? its so fulfilling to experience....and we piss off that power every day because thassss the gag right? ego, desire, addiction, anxiety, all these hurdles and some are chosen and some are not....and regardless we cant ever really cultivate ourselves to make ripples because we are literally just trying to get through the day and fucking survive. mentally, physically, emotionally, however so. my co worker said i was "magnetic" the other day. like, what, lol?? i said "Well, magnets can repel..."

she said "maybe you repel the right people..."

like HELLO droppin truth nuggies on me i see you girl  and i need you. lol 

[allthingsaredivine-blog]

9/24/21 fridays are..

Finish the sentence.

Fridays are exciting? pay day?

full of possibility?  or utterly meaningless to a service industry rat like myself? nahahaha 

so im live streamin on kik right now. i have dabbled in it here and there and it is full of cross- dresssers, foot fetishists, subs looking for a mistress, men in their 40s cheating on their wife [or fantasizing about it] 

on the flip side i have also ran into some cool folks. they are few and far in between but they are still cool. cant win em all right?

anyhoodle. Grim Reaper is showing me some Tech N9NE songs right now. as if anthony didnt play him enough lolol jk. i actually truely enjoyed a couple by tech and krizz kaliko they sound really good., i also want to watch Run the Jewels NPR tinydesk concert too. ill probably forget to but i hopes not. I am feeling out of it. nothing seems right, i wish i could start over and i cannot. the things that we learn after the fact.....

just got done running some dummies in the firing range apex with ny. it was fine. quiet. awkward, for me. 

i need to nip that shit in the bud immediately. the way i feel is skewed and not right in any way shape or form. i am over here starting to  on someone who is unavailable and it fuuuucking sucks. it sucks because obviously DUH but also i have to remind myself that all of these feelings are fleeting. im getting attention and i dont know what to do with it i suppose, and im feeling disillusioned and sad. i feel foolish that  i even let myself get caught up and open myself up that way. why did i think or feel like this was any thing other than a game for ? why did i think that this was anything than entertainment ? a little help with boredom? god i feel so .....fucking dumb. the end.

[allthingsaredivine-blog]

9/23/21

Where do i even begin?

I have been streaming semi consistently for about three months now. since the middle of june i want to say.

First thoughts first, why do i always begin paragraphs with a question? is it a peek into my ever curious nature? or am i just fucking annoying? 

Kali Uchis is everyything for me right now. She puts into words the things i cannot say.

TO FEEL SOMETHING and Angel by her specifically. Tomorrow is my Monday, I hate this feeling. as the days go on the only thing i hate more than this feeling is the fact that i even let it get to this point. *Streaming has entered the chat*  Its scary. Its fun. Its rewarding. Its challenging. Am i making too much of it? Or am i seeing what was always there, clear as a summer day in california to everyone else?. Am i exceedingly ahead of the curve, or so far fucking behind that im just disillusioned and wrong...? The thing about streaming is you cant really build something long lasting on phoniness, or on a rocky foundation. to *me* at least. and what do i do? take something that could have been great for me and managed to fuck it all over before it even gets the chance to leave the ground....

Number ONE mistake. I should have disclosed my relationship status from the absolute jump. It would have vetted a lot of the stupid shit im feeling right now. sure, to be less popular would have sucked. to have my business out there isnt something im comfortable with, ever anyways. All of that notwithstanding, i would have none of this without anthony. he absolutely deserves to be part of this. for us to do this together. how could i leave him behind? 

well this hasnt even skimmed the surface of the things im feeling. yet i have been thinking of writing, getting my thoughts down, or my feelings. being able to reflect and look back and maybe have some fucking perspective instead of just residing in my own fkn head. how do we live like this? fumbling through reality, feeling so in control, yet an innate feeling of having absoulutely zero control over the things that affect you or can change the entire trajectory of your life? how does it not drive us to the brink of knock your noggin crazy? who even fkn knows. how does it not drive me crazy lol. i have so much more to say. i feel so stupid. i feel like i have done things that i wish i could take back. but then would i be the same person?