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s i x
hi,
you’ll never read this. or you might, but holy cannoli you’ve been in my orbit for half a year. that’s roughly 180+ days. 180+ days of laughter, memories, and love. you sir, are above and beyond the bare minimum. from day 1 you have shown me that if ppl really wanted to, they would. im so so so grateful to have you in my orbit and to be loved by you. life has been so much better with you innit and i’m loving every single second.
ha. the universe is a funny thing. on nye I told them that my resolution in the year is to give ppl more chances to go on dates and really just exploring the topic of love. just so happened that one of the first ppl I decided to take a chance on was you. I was completely taken back by how easily our conversations were and how much we had in common. and tbrh the first zoom date kind of sealed the deal for me. I didn’t want to talk to anyone else but you. it was like blinders got put on and it was straight tunnel vision from there. then the rest is history, fell in love with you so hard, 6 mos later im still just as enraptured by you as I was back then. id like to think you’re still obsessed with me. im sure you do, you show it enough for me to feel safe.
anyways, I just wanted to get my thoughts out. happy 6 months, h. ilysm.
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How insane. It’s been a year.
I no longer feel any ties to you. At least currently. I feel past ties but nothing current nor future ties. It’s a bit insane how a year ago today I felt so much love for you. Now, it’s gone. Just a lingering feeling. When I think of you I still feel hurt and betrayed. Definitely resentment. Definitely a touch of hate. Ha. Look at how far we’ve both come. Not exactly what our 18 year old selves imagined right?
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We can never be friends. We’ve tried that route before. Friends. Best friends. Only ends up as us getting back together or one of us catching feelings again.
You say we have chemistry and our dynamics is like no other. I don’t doubt it, not one bit. But for that very reason, we can’t be friends.
It pains me to say it, but we shouldn’t be in each other’s lives. We can’t restart our friendship. I can’t let you back in. I forgive you. But I just can’t let you in. I know I said I would, I lied.
I know we will both always have some sort of feelings for each other. Some sort of dynamic that leads us to fall into a routine that is familiar and safe. That is a disservice to us. That is the most selfish we both can be.
Grasping at straws to what our former relationship was like before it crumbled.
We had a great run. I think we were both on that high school sweetheart high. The high that no one can touch us and it was always going to be us against the world.
However just like all things in life, things change. We changed. I thought for the better. We were adapting to our mid 20s and growing older. Mindsets different. Beliefs different. Paths started to drift away from each other but I thought it would be resolved bc if we both put our minds to it and we love each other that much, we could make it work. We put so much time and dedication into our relationship, why not right?
Wishful thinking. If someone had told us, maybe it would’ve saved us. We were both blind to see that, we just weren’t right for each other anymore. &That’s okay. That’s life.
What’s not okay is allowing us to feel that connection again. What’s not okay is letting us be selfish and wanting to maintain those feelings between us. That’s not okay. We were good, but we don’t need each other in our lives. Who are we kidding. We say that we need each other in our lives and that we’re each other’s Bestfriend. But not anymore. It ended the moment you decided to betray me. It ended in that moment.
You cheated on me. I accepted that. You don’t love me anymore I accepted that. But that person that did those things to me, I don’t know them. &That to me is the hardest thing for me to accept. It still is.
So when you think of me, I hope it hurts. I hope it makes your heart wrench just as much as mine does. I hope when you see me, it hurts. Just the way mine would’ve a few months ago. I hope when you dream of me, it’s the worst nightmare of your life. Because those all happened to me. &Now its your turn.
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I understand that sometimes you out grow people and that’s just life. But I think my mental health can’t process that. Every time I think about losing someone I love, I feel like I could die. Like the Earth would stop spinning and fall off its axis. Is that normal? Is that only me? The craziest thing about all this is that I am such a firm believer in destiny and fate. Red strings and all. I just can’t believe this is what destiny had in store for me. Did destiny really have to do us dirty like that. Did we really need to be out of each other’s lives so bad that destiny and fate would make you do that to me. I guess so right. As crazy as it sounds though, destiny is still something I believe in.
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And just like that. A simple picture that unlocks 13 year old memories. I forget how much I know you. How much I know every inch of your being. From your physical appearances to your handwriting. It doesn’t even take me a while to look at it and second guess if it’s yours. I know it is. &Just like every thing else that reminds me of you, I miss you. That’s all I can really do. Miss you and miss the times we shared together. I could say eventually it will fade, but lets be fucking honest. It’s not gonna fade. Of course it won’t. You can’t just erase 13 years. But I can leave it. I could leave it where it is, in the past. I don’t need to touch it, disturb it, or go near it. I can just reminisce from afar. If that’s where I’m destined to be, I’m not 100% sure. But for now, afar will do.
I miss you, but not enough to disturb the past.
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SEPT25
I’m still angry at you and hurting. Hurting so so much. Why the fuck did you have to do that. You ruined our relationship. You ruined us.
You were my first bestfriend. The first person I could trust wholeheartedly. I wish I hadn’t given you all of me. The pain would be much easier to deal with. I wouldn’t be sitting here after 8 months still feeling this way.
I used to love the way you made me feel. I used to bathe in it. Now I feel like scrubbing my skin until its raw. I feel like clawing out my heart and brain because they remind me of you.
Sometimes I wish I could erase everything about us. Not because of the pain, but because I just hate you so much. Isn’t it funny. The person I love the most is also the one person I hate most in the world.
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You don’t get to pry empathy from me. You lost that right the minute you decided to be emotionally involved with someone else. Or even seeking to be involved with someone else. I cannot believe you actually said “We’re all hurting here.” AS IF I FUCKING CARE????? I gave you so much effort and empathy, you asshole. You don’t get to play that card. Wanna know why? Because while I was alone and dealing with my shit by myself, you had someone there for you. YOU. HAD. SOMEONE. THERE. EMOTIONALLY. FOR. YOU. AT ALL TIMES. The whole time I was thinking that you were finding yourself and bettering yourself, you actually didn’t. You disappoint me. You’re a disappointment to the pedastal I put you on. &Maybe that was my mistake. I expected too much of you. But how could I not? We were together for so long. How could I not put my 100% trust in you? How could I not give you everything I had? I hate you so much. You’re such a piece of shit.
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Fire.
I’m lighting up a fire and I hope you get incinerated.
You’re a lying piece of shit, that has no respect for me and for our relationship. You literally went behind my fucking back. FOR A WHOLE ASS YEAR AND 8 MONTHS. This whole time I pegged you as the love of my life. Patiently fucking waiting on the side for you to get your shit together. WELL GUESS WHAT. THAT’S A FUCKING LIE. EVERYTHING YOU TOLD ME WAS A LIE. YOU MADE ME FEEL LIKE I WAS THE INSANE ONE. LIKE I WAS THE ONE THAT WAS THE MAIN REASON OF OUR RELATIONSHIP STRUGGLES. I LITERALLY HATED MYSELF BC I WANTED TO BE COMPATIBLE WITH YOU. I WANTED TO SPEND THE REST MY LIFE WITH YOU. NOW I JUST WANT TO FUCKING THROW UP. YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT. AND I HOPE YOU FUCKING ROT.
FUCK YOU FOR FUCKING WITH MY EMOTIONS
FUCK YOU FOR FUCKING WITH MY MENTALITY
FUCK YOU WARREN
YOU LYING CHEATING CUNT ASS BITCH
YOU HAVE NO BALLS TO STRAIGHT UP TELL ME THE TRUTH. YOU COULDN’T BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING AND FUCKING TELL ME THAT YOU DON’T LOVE ME ANYMORE. YOU. ARE. TRASH. YOU WILL NEVER BE A MAN. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU.
I WAS MISERABLE AND BLAMING MYSELF FOR OUR FAILED RELATIONSHIP WHILE YOU WERE WHAT? FUCKING SOME FUCKING PORTLANDER. YOU THINK YOU’D GET AWAY WITH THAT SHIT? I WANTED TO OFF MYSELF BC THAT’S HOW I FELT. I WAS IN DARKNESS FOR SO LONG. DID THAT SEEM FUNNY TO YOU. DID THAT MAKE YOUR EGO FEEL GOOD. TO KNOW THAT YOU GOT ME ALL WOUND UP AND BEGGING ON MY KNEES.
THIS IS PROBABLY WHY YOU WERE CRYING THAT DAY HUH. BC YOU KNEW WHAT YOU DID WAS HORRIBLE. YOU FUCKED A GIRL. YOU KISSED A GIRL. WHILE WE WERE STILL TOGETHER. YOU SLIMEY PIECE OF CUNT. YOU COULDN’T KEEP YOUR DICK IN YOUR PANTS. YOU DISGUST ME.
STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME.
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I think I’m too understanding that I let people take advantage of that, but I don’t know how to stop.
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Trust
I think the most frustrating thing about telling the girls about Baymax and I ending, was them basically saying “Tf you think it was, you put too much trust into him. Don’t expect anything bc you’re not special.” I felt so attacked, I literally almost walked away from them. I didn’t need that from them nor was that what I was looking for. I didn’t need someone to tell me advice, I didn’t need that energy from them. I just needed someone to listen. Was I complaining? NO. I was simply telling y’all what happened between us and how I felt in the situation and why I ended things. Don’t try to lecture me on things I already knew and expected. &The fact that they said “It’s okay lessoned learned.” WHAT LESSON? There was no lesson bc I don’t regret it. Honestly I’d do that shit again.
Look. I know I just came out of a relationship and he’s the first guy to vibe with me like that besides Wren, but I’m not stupid. You know...everyone always has their walls up to always protect themselves and I don’t see anything wrong with that. It’s totally understandable. But that’s not me. I feel as though when I try to protect myself and not trust ppl right away, I’m not being true to myself and it’s just so much effort to actually do all that. &I think they forgot or don’t know that trusting ppl with 100% of my being is who I am. I understand that not everyone has good intentions and it’s a crazy ass world out there, but it just doesn’t sit right with me. I believe that everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt. Even if they’re notorious for not being trustworthy, I would still trust that person bc what if that person just needs that ONE person to trust them? I know that’s farfetched and some people don’t change. But we don’t know that. We don’t know what they’ve been through and who’s wronged them. We don’t know if they’re trying to change and just needs that one person to trust them. So I give people 100% trust and if they fuck that up, they fuck that up. It’s also not a big deal to me bc if they don’t stick around long enough, bc they don’t get to be apart of my orbit. &I’m completely content with my orbit. I don’t need any more or less to add to it, but I am always open to add more to it. So all in all, it’s kind of helped me decipher who’s worth my time and who’s just here to catch a ride. Sometimes they hurt, sometimes it’s whatever, or some times I could care less.
With Baymax, we both agreed on the terms when we entered FWB. Emotional support and physical support. I know, I know a recipe for disaster but at the time I needed that. &It was great to have someone that was there for me but no commitment. To be completely transparent with each other and no bullshitting bc we both don’t got time for that. I mean I understand he had no obligations to me, but in a way he was. He was obligated to let me know if he was going to have sex with someone else, he was obligated to be there for me emotionally, he was just as obligated to me as I was to him. &Then everything happened so fast. The shift in our dynamic. The texting. The effort. I was in between overthinking and a gut feeling. In the end, it was the gut feeling. It was a feeling I was all too familiar with. It hurt that he didn’t trust me enough to let me know straight up. I know he’s scared bc of backlash, but I’m not that kind of person. He didn’t trust me enough to not be that person. &That was not a part of the agreement. Full disclosure, no bullshit remember? Well...it is, what it is. Take a risk or not. Trust or not. I completely understand and I honestly hold no grudges or animosity towards him. Am I a little spiteful? Yeah, but shit I’m only human guys.
He had wanted to keep me on the side if things went wrong with the girl. As he should with a regular FWB. BUT in the end, he was putting all his efforts into this girl and none for me. Which is why I ended it. I don’t need someone that can’t give me the same effort that I give them, bc I’ll expect that from them. In the beginning it was non-stop texting. &It was nice not in any romantical sense but in a way where someone was giving me that emotional capacity that I was craving. As I said, I don’t regret it. He’s helped me in ways that no one else could. Not the girls, not the boys. No one but him. &I am grateful for the time we had together. It was a blessing and something I never knew I needed. So thanks, Baymax. For everything you did up until now. It was nice for a minute. &I think it would’ve been a great run. A great, disastrous run.
I’m rooting for you, always.
xxC
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I just wanna fucking scream.
So many thoughts in my head and they don’t know how to shut the hell up. The storm is brewing and I’m trying my damn hardest to stop it.
I just wanna get away. Far away.
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0618
Hi,��
You’ll never read this nor do you even know about this, but hi. I just wanted to tell you that I think you are an amazing human being and therapist. I don’t understand why you’ve never been loved the way you deserve to be. I mean, I know why but I still can’t wrap my head around it. You are kind, gentle, funny, humble, successful, trustworthy. But all you’ve experienced in your love life, is lovelessness. &I just want to put you in my pocket and never let anything hurt you anymore. But I can’t do that bc you’re fucking tall as fuck and I don’t have any pockets that can hold you.
I just hope that one day you’ll find that girl for you that will be your equal and that will finally treat you the way you deserve to be treated. I know its hard for you to accept being catered to and what not, but from my perspective it seems that you don’t take catering to you well because you’re scared. You’re scared that once you get used to it, it’ll slip through your fingers and it’ll hurt you all over again. Defense mechanism. That’s yours among many others. So I hope you find that girl that you will be willing and accepting of being catered to, because like I keep saying you deserve it.
&I know it sounds like I’ve started to like you but I don’t. I like you, but not in that way. Can I see myself liking you? Yes. Will I say anything about it once it happens? I don’t know. Probably not. Depends maybe. Will I be hurt? Yeah, but fuck it. My bestfriends asked me, “If I know this is gonna hurt you in the process, why go through with it.” Wanna know what I said? “Because why tf not. We’re humans. We’re meant to feel, get hurt, and heal.” &It’s not like I’ll fall in love with you. I’m not ready for that. I’m not ready to be committed. You’re not ready for that either. We’re both just in each other’s presence and filling the void that is loneliness. It’s a bad idea, but fuck it. I know what the outcome is and I know the end will either be happy or sad. This will probably be the case of: Right person, wrong time.
Phew. Here’s to 2020, the craziest yet most growth part of my life. &I gotta thank you, Baymax for that. No matter how long this relationship will be for, you’ve given back more than I could ever ask for.
xxC
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Things I miss the most about him: -His weird endearments for me smoll, tiny, handful, peanut, smollest smoll, tiny smoll -Forehead taps, yeah I know I’ve become a masochist, I blame him. But only with him, No one else. -Him kissing the back of my hand then smelling it -Rubbing his chin all over my face even tho I expressed didn’t like it I lowkey liked it...????? Fuck he’ll never let me live that down if he ever found out LOL -His weird evil cackling laugh????? Especially when I said something entertaining to him then he gives me the most loving, adoring look -His smell. God do I miss that smell. -His hands, I miss holding and playing with them -His stupid weird accent tone character that he uses when he plays with EJ and the other boys, I find myself doing it unconsciously when I play with Astro and I mean....yeah. lul
-His voice and singing voice. I always asked him to sing me to sleep and I could listen to that for hours if I could. I was always too embarrassed to be next to him when he fully belts out in public so I always shut that down real quick. But I got used to it and I really really miss that -His face whenever he ate anything spicy, it would turn red and he would soon be sweating especially if it was hella spicy. -His love for knowledge. He was the most randomest person I know with the most randomest interest in things. He thought I hated it when he told me facts, but I honestly loved it. Sometimes. If they were interesting for me to remember haha. But he is the smartest man I know and I know he’ll get far in life. -His selflessness. This is one of his cons but it’s also one of his greatest strengths. His compassionate for others despite the length of relationship between them astounds me. As someone that is more skeptical about it, he’s more open and gung ho. I was definitely jealous bc I felt like he would always put more effort into them than our relationship???? I’m p sure I’m crazy -His cuddles and little touches, even though we were both on our phones or him playing a game and I’m on my phone or whatever we were preoccupied with, we always found a way to still touch each other from our feet to our heads, I thought it was the sweetest thing ever between us. -Sleeping in his arms was definitely my fave thing when we napped together. -Random times of kisses, I mean those were the best. -His comedic moments, the way he could make me laugh even though it wasn’t that funny it was still the funniest thing ever to me bc I mean he was so cute doing all that
I was so blessed to be loved the way I was by him. You would think all this time apart and I would love him any less. But I don’t. &Call me stupid and selfish but I hope that its the same for him.
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I’ve been too scared to sleep. Too scared to see your face haunt me every night. It’s almost been 4 months but I still see your face as vivid as ever. Holding me, touching me, kissing me. Saying my name. Saying that what’s happening in that moment is real. Saying you’re sorry, you want to work things out. Saying you love me. And every fucking night I wake up, with traces of your voice and touch lingering. The goosebumps on my arms never really fading. When will these stop? When will my mind stop tormenting me what I’ve been longing for. What I miss. I’ve already come to terms about it. Whatever happens happens. Red string of fate, destiny, cosmos. Whatever. Bottom line, I’ve come to terms with it. I miss you just as much as the day before but I never ponder about it for too long. I know that going through the emotions and embracing them is the only way. I’ve embraced the fact that we’ll never talk again. That we’ll never be able to be in each other’s presence again. What more do I have to do? What more? Do I have to give up loving you? Do I have to stop wanting you? Do I just have to stop? Cut you out forever? How can I do that. How the hell can anyone do this. Make someone your world and the love of your life then all of a sudden it stops. I hate writing these because I always end up crying. But I haven’t cried in a good month and I think I need to. I have so much held inside. This stupid shelter in place doesn’t help.
I wonder if you have the same thoughts as me during the night. Do you dream of me the same way I dream of you? Guess we’ll never know.
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