aliceinwondervan

[aliceinwondervan]

Literally just downloaded the app, made my account, and went to make a post. I just can't get out of my head. I am so alone. I haven't had a Tumblr account since porn was allowed. Late last year I realized I'm a transwoman. Being amab in a marriage with one kid and another being considered - this destroyed me. My life instantly shattered. I had been building a future with my wife for over a decade. We've taken a few laps around hell and back. No matter what we were each other's constant.

Disclaimer: subjects like spousal abuse and struggles with mental health and thoughts of suicide are discussed below. There might be other triggers but my hand is cramping since I saved the disclaimer for last and I gotta stop typing.

I panicked. I messaged a friend who immediately accepted me for who I am. The next day my wife "had a feeling" something was up and instead of coming to me about it she snooped thru the thread with my friend and to say she got pissed is the biggest understatement.

To her I had to have known. To her I wasted her time. To her I was leaving to go frolic with all the other trans people. When in reality I grew up in a house with a very homophobic father. I hid my more "girly" tendencies because I was scared he would think I was gay. Which I am, being a lesbian and all, but at the time I was scared he would have thought my dude self was into dudes even tho I'm not. Anyways - my more girly tendencies turned out to be red flags that I was living in an egg.

With that tangent aside and in no particular order here is what I was subjected to for the next 3 months:

* I was arrested twice because she lied to the cops. The first time was a week after my egg cracked. She was trying to snap my phone in half so I put her in a mild headlock to try to stop her. I guess technically I was the first to get physical with her so I was arrested. Learned very quickly my anxiety doesn't do well with me locked in a small box so I called a bail bond guy who ended up being very chill about the whole thing and he got me out. The second time I was arrested led to me living in my car so that'll be at the end.

* She picked fights with me constantly. Same loop: she'd get a wild hair up her ass and find a reason to be pissed at me. Instead of talking she'd come in like I was supposed to be psychic or some shit and know what was going to bother her this time. Bingo, bango, bongo, fight would start - escalate to the point where I was peak pissed - she'd calm down a bit and start to act like I was psycho. Rinse and repeat.

* Her favorite lines during these fights and the reason they'd escalate like they did were aimed at my deepest insecurities. Imagine anything transphobic; she's said it. Imagine any power play a wife could pull; she did it. Her mission was to make my life so miserable I'd leave on my own.

* She outed me. She told a mutual friend of ours her fucked up, delusional, version. Recently I reached out to her brother, who was once my best friend, and he was super supportive in his initial reply but left me on read after. Can't help but feel like he must've talked to his sister.

* My wife isn't into chicks so we filed for divorce. It's been amicable as long as you don't count all the judicial threats she makes during fights.

* The second time I was arrested she started getting physical with me and the most I did was hold her arms and hands back. This led to a vertical line shaped bruise on her arm (that's how hard she was trying to hurt me) and since she called the cops and she was the one with a mark, I was arrested.

Again, vertical line. Apparently I karate chopped her or some shit.

Since I was on bail already for the same thing my bail would've been double the last bail. Couldn't afford it so I spent the next 5 days in jail. Remember the part where I said my anxiety didn't do well locked in a box? I'm on like 4 different meds and the one they ended up giving me was one I kept telling them I was off of.

Not a fun 5 days. I spent the first day in a turtle suit because for the first time in my life I was having intrusive thoughts of suicide. I'd never act on them but it still scared the hell out of me.

When it was ultimately dismissed I got out but couldn't go home because my wife had filed for a temporary restraining order for her and my kid that wouldn't expire for a few days. She was nice enough, in her words, to book me at a hotel.

Turns out I dig the car life tho. I make ends meet with DoorDash and am using this time at Rock Bottom to build a foundation.

Problem is it's very lonely being at Rock Bottom. Forgot to mention: my wife started dating someone a couple weeks after my egg cracked AND she reconnected with her ex that's been stalking her since they dated when she was 14. So she got our mutual friends, a new boyfriend, and her psycho ex. I have, thankfully, that friend I can message. But that's it. I started reconnecting with an old friend but we've hung out once so far so it's still kinda awkward and we're not at the point

When my ex isn't pissy we still get along like always. With time she'll come around but in the meantime I'm forced to live with myself. Ultimately this will probably be good for my but my god the pain is overwhelming.

And that's all I have to say about that.

Until next time,

Alice