albreaksthechain

[albreaksthechain]

I was supposed to be at my best friend's wedding last weekend, but I was stuck at the live telecast for the eulogy of another friend. While nailed at my bed, disturbingly I envy both for the different types of peace they found.

[albreaksthechain]

Poem by Jeong Hyeonjong, translated by Archana (Shiningkorean.com)

I have been contemplating this lately after watching "Because this is my First Life".

I am in my late 20's, experienced so many failed dates, broke so many hearts and have mine broken too, and ran away from lots of commitment. Maybe if I can mimic the wind just like the last 2 lines, love will become more hospitable to me.

[albreaksthechain]

I've been out of the office for almost two weeks now, a combination of the holidays and sick leaves. I am well now, but part of me wants to extend this long overdue rest. It was my body that answered its own longing for rest. I hope I can stay like this-- at home making my own coffee, binge-watch, read poetry, write poetry, hoping to be a poet, and being a poet on my own means; however, just like this excerpt from one of my favorite cnf, "dreams can wait, but bills just can't, I will be back soon hustling. Keep grinding you all, take care of your health, and don't hesitate to take a break.

[albreaksthechain]

May mga alaalang 'di kayang tupukin ng apoy--

Mga tinig ng kuliglig sa ilalim ng buwan, kagat ng lamok, at pagwasiwas

ng mga sanga habang ang amihan ay nagbabadyang lumuha.

Walang pamamaalam ang naganap.

Pagtatagpo ito ng sarili at ng hinahanap, na madalas pilit nating iwinawala,

sa kawalan, sa kadiliman, sa sukal at lawak.

Madalas sarado ang mga pahina sa mundo,

sa ilalim ng mga tala at haplos ng dilim unti-unting binubuksan, kumakawala.

Sinasalaysay ang mga kwentong akala'y kinalimutan.

Hamog ang naging luha na dumilig sa balat,

hanggang sa muling pagtupok ng mga nahalungkat na alaala ng pagningas,

at pagmaliw sa pagdating ng bukang liwayway.

-Sigá, Albertus

[albreaksthechain]

I self-destruct when I fall in love. No matter how I remind myself that I deserve the love I'm getting I still end up pushing people away. According to my psych this is due to my defense mechanism to avoid being hurt. When I become comfortable I become vulnerable. Maybe because I used to being disturbed that I forget comfort exists, and love can be on the borderline.

[albreaksthechain]

Lately has been so difficult. I started my Psych sesh again, but I know things will get better. We'll all get better. Just a little update for you lovely folks. Miss you all!

[albreaksthechain]

"Mas nakaliligaw, sa panahon ngayon, ang mga lakbay sa gunita."

Nasambit nang magising sa katotohanang mukhang malabong mabalikan ang mga dating gawi.

"Kung nandito ka lang, masaya akong masadsad at makulong sa 'di nakikitang mga rehas ng sakuna"

Bungtong-hininga bago muling makatulog.

-Panaghoy at Iba pang Gunita

[albreaksthechain]

Diazepam is no longer working for me. It calms me a little, but after several hours the silence is killing me again. It keeps on whispering of the things that I could have done, or what others are doing right now without me. I locked up myself inside my room for 5 days now. Not talking to anyone, I just don't feel so. I only move out during the dawn, like a thief slowly getting my food, making sure no one notice me.

I have been killing myself for a long now. I'm still thankful that I still have fear of death, it makes me still want to eat. Lately, I just really wanted to be appreciated. Not that I seek attention or credits, but I somehow wanted to be needed.

I just want to sleep peacefully. I just want silence to be just silence, no rampaging of thoughts, no drowning on the depths of the night, or ecoes from nowhere that I'm the only who hears.

I'm trying to kill myself, but this fear keeps on reminding me that I am not ready yet. I'm stuck on this dillema of needing someone to talk to and I don't want to. Until then, I still hope that I can still talk when I'm ready to.

The noon is peaking, but I'm still floating from the surges of the last dawn.

[albreaksthechain]

The saddest thing about this quarantine is that I'm not at home.

[albreaksthechain]

My bed has become a battlefield. It is where my emotion, angst, and dreams clash. Everyday, I still think of the what if's, the why not's, and the I should have; they are rampaging in every corner of my head, but my mattress is not that soft to be a cushion when I fall. And the pillows and blanket unfolded are the battlescars. Then after the war is over, my bed remains my refuge.

All I want is to sleep peacefully.

[albreaksthechain]

I'm not suppose to listen to songs like this as early as this. But I'm addicted to this sadness, and it feels so good. Afterall, I'm still sad.

[albreaksthechain]

The pandemic won't kill me, but the anxiety this quarantine brings will.

[albreaksthechain]

Isn't it funny that we're still talking?

We now talk about the universe,

On how it has been with us the whole time.

On how we're fucked up being agnostic,

Looking for someone or something to pray to.

We agreed to just throw all desires to the sky,

Let the heavenly bodies answer our longing

And grant us our wishes.

Isn't it funny that we're still talking?

Maybe time and space really do wonders,

Something that we still believe,

Like how it created the universe.

That after all we can still share.

-Non-believers

[albreaksthechain]

I never knew what storms look like. Ever since a kid, I clinged to Science that says it's a massive disturbance in the atmosphere that affects the weather, and it has an eye. I was too young then to realize that a storm can also have a body, a face, a heart, more than an eye, and the weather  could be our lives.

J, so far you are the strongest storm that hit me. You are more than the super typhoon that people have already moved on.  It's almost 2 years now since you started to bring calamity to my area of responsibilities, and yet I am still in a state of calamity. I don't know where to start, I don't know how to start, or even if I should start. There were no agencies or NGO that can aide me. No, I'm not telling that you only brought havoc, because I used to love dancing in your rain. And like other storms you moved away, not long enough to for me to enjoy the flood.

If ever that the cycle resets, I want you to know that I'll still love to dance in your rain. And by that time, I'll be more prepared.

[albreaksthechain]

My body became a vessel of anti-depessants—

Longing for a higher dose.

[albreaksthechain]

Casualties

I uninstalled my Facebook, closed all means of contacts from all my friends— now am afraid of what else I'm willing to lose for this so-called "moving on".

[albreaksthechain]

Patuloy kitang isasama sa lahat ng pagkawala't pagkaligaw hanggang sa tuluyan nang maglaho.