akinoor-studiesmed

[akinoor-studiesmed]

Hey everyone. How is everyone doing?

I don't know if you remember but I went through a very serious breakup last year around September. This is supposed to be a study account but everything about my life effects every other little things and studies aren't little right?

It is one of the biggest reasons for my mental health crisis. To say that losing one of your most important support system when you feel already alone in the world fucks up your mind greatly which is not a good thing for anything.

People undermine the importance of a stable support system in their lives. No one and I mean no one can live alone for prolonged periods of time without suffering through the difficulties it brings.

This is difficult for me to write about because it almost feels like I'm sharing a secret and a weak point about me that can be exploited in any way possible and I might end up deleting this post later on but that's really it. That's just about it. Living without a support system especially without one when you are already mentally suffering and alone is difficult.

And to say that we as humans have endless will power is not right. We don't. Especially not when we don't find meaning in what we are doing.

So for the past four months— I didn't find meaning in suffering or struggling. It was always like that but I had found a sense of meaning and purpose and that was after a hard day I got to go home.

Now I had to start from scratch and figure out where I stood and what things meant to me. All alone. I was once again all alone.

And I didn't figure out much. It wasn't an active effort whatsoever. I wasn't trying to figure out anything.

Because like I said. Things didn't make sense. They still don't.

But now I'm at least trying. I have my exams going on that are giving me a bit of perspective

The pain will never leave. I always knew that but to accept it is such a difficult thing— the fact that I will have to function with it and burden will drag along and slow me down but it is what it is and makes things a hundred times more difficult. Fuck. Fuck this shit.

Five minutes at a time. I'll make it five minutes at a time.

Fuck.

[akinoor-studiesmed]

Hi everyone it's been a while.

Truth be told I didn't have the strength or the intention to write anything here or any other place for a matter of fact.

I feel sad. I feel sad all the time. I'm hurting all the time. I know whenever I write there is nothing happy about it so writing here always felt like I had nothing good to say but what's really difficult is that even when I'm smiling I feel sad. Sadness that pervades everything and anything. It's not new to me. I have lived with this forever since I can remember. However things had gotten a bit easier during that time but now it's back to what it used to be. It's back to the same difficulties.

Things feel meaningless, suffering through pain feels meaningless and having to do everything despite never feeling better feels meaningless. How many people can understand when I say this?

I don't know how many people will understand when I say even laughter comes with pain. That it's there in everything. One couldn't right?

And I stay mute. The past three months I have almost cried everyday. I don't know what to do about it. It put everything about my life on hold. I couldn't bring myself to fight. I'd been defeated. A resignation. It felt like a chokehold. Yet I couldn't feel much. So studying was far from something that was happening in my life.

I can't believe that my ability to sit and study has reduced to five minutes at a time. ADHD and depression at the same time is something I wish I didn't have to struggle with. I have developed strength over the years but to tackle two things that can devastate you at a time is different. It's difficult.

I don't want to make excuses but what's the point of suffering when no one knows right? Why suffer alone? Why hide?

Why does it have to be like this?

[akinoor-studiesmed]

Hey everyone.

I had wanted to ask.

So I used to use studyverse because I can't study alone and I really liked the interface but that site got sold and shut down. Unfortunately for me I didn't add anyone who I used to study with at the place so now all of that is lost.

I tried using some apps but problem with apps is that they ask an override permission which gives them access to where I tap on my screen and such information and I'm really really not comfortable with that.

So what other places can I go where I can find a study crew with proper pomodoro and graphics. My adhd ass needs some sort of anchoring to find some accountability.

What things do you use? I tried discord but it was really boring tbh.

[akinoor-studiesmed]

28/11/24

Thursday

Hello everyone.

To begin with - I got diagnosed with ADHD-PI.

Bye everyone.

[akinoor-studiesmed]

where's the mitski quote. where's the goddamn mitski quote.

[akinoor-studiesmed]

JOURNAL ENTRY - 11/11/24

Study journal-

Completed -

Reading chapter 1 of pharmacokinetics

Exercising - 40 minutes

I wasn't necessarily having a great day but it wasn't as bad in a way where I had given up on helping myself at all so I tried. I hate the feeling when I know I gave up. It's worse than defeat. Giving up feels worse than defeat and being knocked out.

My mind still feels unfocused in terms of organising and planning but really when has it ever felt like I had control of it anyways. I didn't let it be an excuse before. I won't let it be an excuse now either and I also know I am gonna be failing a lot more this time around— with the simple easy little things and it's going to be more difficult. There is no lie to that.

I also don't know what it's going to be like when it comes ahead but I'll handle it as it comes. No point in thinking too far into the future especially when my mind has been refusing to even look at tomorrow morning and plan for it.

[akinoor-studiesmed]

JOURNAL ENTRY - 10/11/24

I am sick and I am in pain.

I know that and being truthful about it pushes people away and leaves me alone at the end. You see people would want to stay but eventually it gets difficult to be around someone who is always struggling with one thing or the another.

So instead I had a broken conversation with chat-gpt instead because I don't trust I could talk to someone else about it— at least a human.

It's Sunday today so I had a day off and I cleaned my room and threw out trash.

That's all I did but it's an achievement.

Your surroundings always reflect what's going on inside your mind. The Messier it is, the more chaotic your mind must be in. So I cleaned up.

And then this line came to my heart— " food won't fill up an empty heart." So I promised myself to not do that to myself from tomorrow. I have been trying to feel better by overeating. It's not something I want to do to myself anymore.

I don't want to hurt myself more than what I'm already hurting.

[akinoor-studiesmed]

I had this saved up in my drafts.

JOURNAL ENTRY - 3/8/24

When I came back to the hostel today after the exam.

I had wanted to cry.

That's what I wanted to do. Just cry.

Even though my two exams went decent. Not excellent just decent.

And it wasn't happy tears?

It was because— I had been trying to hold everything in place for the past two three days and now that I didn't have to hold everything together anymore for at least one day— made everything want to spill. I was constantly forcing myself to focus, I was constantly preventing anxiety and panic. I was constantly fighting the feeling of giving up. I was— constantly every minute— readjusting my ability to organise or even think. I was constantly forcing myself to fight . TO HOLD THE FORT.

And just like always— I was alone.

I didn't cry.

And then a thought once again came to my mind—

Unlike the others— who felt either happy or relieved that at least one exam was done. I felt nothing other than this sadness. I didn't feel happy. I didn't feel satisfied. I didn't feel relieved. I felt nothing about what one is supposed to feel at the end of the achievement.

And I just realised— where was any of it all?

Where was the relief that I was supposed to feel at the end of a struggle?

It wasn't there.

The past four months. I'd given up the fight. Or the fight became too difficult for me. Or I forgot how I fought? I genuinely do not know.

What I however can't decide on is— is this an excuse or is this a reason?

Was the fight that difficult or was it I who had once again run away from doing what needed to be done?

I am a runner.

4/8/24 - 11:24 AM

That's what my father said to me once— I ran away instead of facing the difficult.

8:52 PM

I was defeated Today but not everyday is going to be the same day.

[akinoor-studiesmed]

JOURNAL ENTRY - 3/8/24

When I came back to the hostel today after the exam.

I had wanted to cry.

That's what I wanted to do. Just cry.

Even though my two exams went decent. Not excellent just decent.

And it wasn't happy tears?

It was because— I had been trying to hold everything in place for the past two three days and now that I didn't have to hold everything together anymore for at least one day— made everything want to spill. I was constantly forcing myself to focus, I was constantly preventing anxiety and panic. I was constantly fighting the feeling of giving up. I was— constantly every minute— readjusting my ability to organise or even think. I was constantly forcing myself to fight . TO HOLD THE FORT.

And just like always— I was alone.

I didn't cry.

And then a thought once again came to my mind—

Unlike the others— who felt either happy or relieved that at least one exam was done. I felt nothing other than this sadness. I didn't feel happy. I didn't feel satisfied. I didn't feel relieved. I felt nothing about what one is supposed to feel at the end of the achievement.

And I just realised— where was any of it all?

Where was the relief that I was supposed to feel at the end of a struggle?

It wasn't there.

The past four months. I'd given up the fight. Or the fight became too difficult for me. Or I forgot how I fought? I genuinely do not know.

What I however can't decide on is— is this an excuse or is this a reason?

Was the fight that difficult or was it I who had once again run away from doing what needed to be done?

I am a runner.

4/8/24 - 11:24 AM

That's what my father said to me once— I ran away instead of facing the difficult.

8:52 PM

I was defeated Today but not everyday is going to be the same day.

[akinoor-studiesmed]

JOURNAL ENTRY - 2/11/24

12:09 PM

I have a lot of things to say regarding a lot of things but honestly I don’t know where to even begin doing that. I’m a bit more directionless these days and a little less focused. I would say when you start to lose the sight of it all or maybe this is just an exaggeration on my end. So let’s begin once again where I pick up the pieces again and try to figure out what I want. What do I want? What do I need?

I have been a bit on the fence of redefining goals but the truth is a lot of things have lost meaning for me. I have not much drive left in me and the fire doesn’t burn any stronger. I used to ride the high of a challenge. That’s the only time I really felt alive— when I got to med school out of anger.

I read of positive psychology back a few years ago — and being in the zone. I don’t get in the zone very often these days and since that is where I derived satisfaction from I haven’t been satisfied for much of my work anyways and so I find it in food and things of hedonic pleasure. Short term gratification but it’s not done much at all. It’s not doing anything. But I’ve been eating a lot. And I know I have written of this repetitively in my past blogs but there is nothing more happening in my life.

I am not happy or satisfied either.

[akinoor-studiesmed]

28/10/24

Monday.

11:07 PM.

Hi everyone.

I have come back again to write something more. It is less about studies and more about life once again because there is so much to say and that there is so much to share.

I am going to talk about regret and living life with it. No one ever really talks about that. The regrets of the past, all the things we didn’t do or say, all the things we didnt share and all the things we never lived. The dreams that only remained dreams.

And no one ever talks about watching people who never lived their dreams and the regrets that come with it. Especially how difficult it is when it’s the people close to you. How you feel sorry for them and that how it feels like it is your responsibility to make them feel happy.

That’s what i feel like— somehow burdened with the responsibility to give them the happiness they never received. The things they deserved.

It makes you wonder if you’d end up living a life like that because it’s inevitable. I feel dejected when I think like that but my mind often wanders away like that. Is it worth it to want things when your dreams that you dreamt found could end up never coming true.

To dream or not to dream?

To dream crazy or to dream realistic?

To dream about things that are not even considered dreams?

I don’t know. I don’t have an answer.

A little bit of what I did today. — finished studying healing and repair : pathology, — read basics of immunity, — tried making a mind map for the first time : was successfully, — did a HITTS workout for half an hour.

So that is how my day went.

[akinoor-studiesmed]

27/10/24

Sunday.

11:40 PM.

Hey everyone.

It's been a while since I wrote here especially since my exams were done and over with.

I think I was in the recovery phase in a way. The experience was not just stressful but also extremely traumatic and for a long long time I couldn't figure out what to do about any of it. I suppose I was waiting for it to start feeling right once again and that I didn’t want it to feel overwhelming once Again.

On the better part— I am starting to feel a bit more normal than say a month ago. I haven’t been studying a lot but I have started studying a a bit more or at least the way i used to.

The biggest change that came in my life was not coming to the second year but rather that— i went through a breakup. That’s not something that a a study blog talks about. Right? Well, this is a life blog and broken relationships are still very much a part of life.

Why am I taking about this? Why am I making a a big deal out of this? Why am I being dramatic about it? It’s not a big deal. It would have happened eventually. What difference does it make that it happened a bit earlier than you had expected? And why even feel like it came out of nowhere? You had been anticipating it. You could almost see it happening in your head— are some of the things my brain has beentelling me.

I am a sleepy right now as I write this but i have been choking on my own words and i promised myself that I would write today and get it out. No matter how hard it was.

The thing about med school no one talks about is— the impact it has on close relationships. It could be platonic ones or it could be romantic ones and they are never the same once you get in med school. The people who scoffed and ridiculed you suddenly become nicer and the people who meant the world to you become distant and eventually you end up losing them.

In my head relationships have always been a game of probability and the steps you take to push the probability in your favour.

The person I love— he is the reason I got in med school. I was never the one with grit. I talked big about dreams but they were mere words and words mean nothing if they are not backed with actions. Words are air and they vanish just as quick as they come but actions anchor them. When we had first met— I was just that all talk and no action and I would blame everything else instead of being accountable and that made him angry. I was scared of losing him to this reason— so I stared working hard even though it felt like my mind was not my own and that I was clutching at empty air. I wanted him to know that I was putting in efforts.

That’s how it started and then by some miracle I got in med school and he became secondary.

I didn’t get a choice and we slowly grew apart. He got angrier and I got busy. He got colder and I couldn’t do anything about it. He lost his warmth and I became the villain.

That’s how it happened— the breakup.

How am I dealing with it all?

I have been binge eating— i have gained weight because of that because somehow food brings comfort. A full stomach keeps the mind full and there is no thinking one has to do. I spend time doing everything that can be categorised as wasting time.

It happened three days before I was to start in the new year.

Med school doesn’t allow you to grieve. So i cry now and then— when I can register what has actually happened.

The thing really is— i knew months ago that this would happen but I mourn the loss of what was. The comfort and care. The openness and sincerity and it eventually vanishing away.

I don’t know what else to write really. I have been feeling disengaged from even expressing. Words do form but they bring me not relief. I keep feeling empty.

So i will write from now on. Broken and imperfect. Unsatisfactory and incomplete but I will write because I cant let myself go. I have worked too hard to get where I am right now and if I let that go— there is not much left to me.

So i will start small and fall a lot but I will try to save myself and not let go of myself.

[akinoor-studiesmed]

Thank you for the tag @studyinmoon

I'm pretty late to this haha sorry for that. I finished my exams a few days ago and needed some time off

⭐ favorite color : red, green ( but blue seems to follow me the most )

⭐ last song I listened to : hass k kude by Diljit Dosanjh

⭐ last film I watch : Kalki 2898 AD

⭐ currently reading: Twisted hate by ana Huang

⭐ currently craving: I was craving chicken but I ate it so maybe icecream and oh yes pasta.

⭐ coffee or tea: none but if I had to choose one it would be tea.

Tagging - @cysticnotes

tag game : answer + tag nine people you want to get to know better and/or catch up with!

@peachym00 tagged me in this thing like years ago and i never got around to doing it because — welp, depression 😵‍💫 — but here i am! thank you my love!

🌸 favourite colour : sunshine yellow. probably. or it was at one point. it was also prussian blue at one point. it's probably ace purple now. it's been for quite a while.

🌸 last song I listened to : the moon represents my heart, from moonlight chicken.

🌸 last film I watched : lmaooo i honestly don't remember, I haven't watched any movies in a while. but i did re-watch ep. 5 of only friends — the 25th hour episode — last night.

🌸 currently reading : haven't picked up a completed giant fic in a while, but currently following a few sandray fics. but I'm especially tuned into this firstkhao getting together fic by my dearest @semantics-error . it's delicious and heart wrenching.

🌸 currently craving : i wanted french fries today but ordered in chinese. it was good. but i would have still liked french fries.

🌸 coffee or tea : tea, any day. coffee just gives me acidity whether i take it with milk or not lmao. also tea has more varieties, so.

tagging ; @aniland @skyfish7 @kaleidoskuls @semantics-error @boyslovecorner

feel free to ignore to hell and back lol

[akinoor-studiesmed]

[akinoor-studiesmed]

[akinoor-studiesmed]

I am a terrible combination of “whatever happens, happens” and “If everything doesn’t go according to plan, I will vaporize”

[akinoor-studiesmed]

JOURNAL ENTRY