ahrealmonsters

[ahrealmonsters]

My first blog post from a 3 year hiatus.

i stopped using this blog in 2015, shortly after Amanda and I broke up. The intent was to start completely fresh, since I had also just left for Princeton. This was all in 2015, and it’s March 28th, 2018 right now. 

I dont really want to make a detailed post, because im not not as attracted to sharing my thoughts and experiences with everyone, but I DID want to say something, for documentation’s sake.

This past week i’ve been going through my old blog to reflect on how far i’ve come since my early years at SDSU. Needless to say, it’s been a wild ride. I’m not the same person I used to be when I started this blog, and I cant wait to see how far i come in 5 MORE years. Reading on my posts 5 years ago, I had no direction in life and had no idea about what I wanted. My priorities were focused on trying to get laid and smoking a ton of weed with my homies. Im older now so those priorities arent as important anymore, although I guess they’re still there in some form. 

I’m at my big boy job now. I’ve only been at Helix for 9 months, but it feels like a home. Even though i was more than prepared for life as a neuro grad student, im content with where im at right now and where im headed. I finally have the means to focus on things that are important to me, which includes thinking creatively and spending my days pondering the most benign experience this universe has to offer: boredom in a life that does not cater to any individual. 

I’m so bored, but thats because I worked hard to BE bored. I used to be stressed beyond belief. 

i used to be extremely hopeless at 18, even 21. Now at 24, im more confident than i’ve ever been and ready to take on the world. I cant wait to hopefully read this post at 29/30, and see how successful i’ve become.

Man, it’s gonna suck major dick if i end up doing worse

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The club never goes up on Tuesday’s here god dammit

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“Is life always this hard, or is it just when you’re a kid?”

Léon the professional (1994) dir. Luc Besson

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EXODUS by Marcus Lyon

“EXODUS is an exploration of the most significant migrations of the early 21st Century.”

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I told Brandon I wouldn’t be making it into lab today and he seemed a little distraught. I feel bad when I don’t go, especially because of how big an asset I am for the project, but I needed some time. Lately i’ve been putting in a lot of time into lab to get away from home, but I think i’m starting to get exhausted from that too. I can’t just do all science then NOTHING all day for a month straight, and as important as I am for the lab, I need to take their advice and do stupid shit as an undergrad before I go to grad school. I deserve some days off that aren’t planless weekends.

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life anthem: Pussy Monster by Lil Wayne

Are you ever just really in the mood to give oral sex or

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How odd, I can have all this inside me and to you it’s just words.

David Foster Wallace , The Pale King (via wordsnquotes)

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i’m pretty sure something’s wrong with my phone’s battery because the phone’s OFF and it’s battery is still dying WHILE IT CHARGES

so i’ll pretty much be out of contact until sometime tomorrow, facebook me if ya need to.

[ahrealmonsters]

My phone wont charge correctly and it’s bothering me.

I guess the charging port for my phone is fucked up cause it wont charge properly even when left alone overnight. I finally got it to stay charging (I think), but I almost had a meltdown when I thought that my phone was completely unable to charge. The fact that a situation as stupid as this at 6 in the morning almost brought me to tears obviously tells me that my mental state is still pretty fragile, especially as of late. 

Im pretty comfortable with solitude. My career choice often requires independent thinking/work and my personality type generally steers me away from large crowds. I just got out of a serious relationship and it’s really getting to me. One of my major issues has been feeling uncomfortable at my own home to the point where I would rather drive around aimlessly than be there, and yet i’ve been finding myself stuck here over these last few weeks. People’s response is usually to remind me of Princeton or to suggest some personal hobbies to distract myself, but it’s not an issue of keeping busy. I feel good when I get stuff done in lab daily and I still (although not so much recently) enjoy my regular hobbies, but it’s not what i’m looking for. I want to be around people because the support from the friendships are magnificently helpful at times like these (its even been scientifically proven actually). So it would appear as though this is an issue of not having friends, but that isn’t the case either. I have plenty of friends, I guess it’s just i’m being particularly selective about who I want to see because the introverted part of me doesn’t really feel comfortable sharing a lot of things with a lot of people, and im at a state where I want to discuss certain person issues for some feedback, which is a lot easier with people I already feel comfortable around. Recently the circumstances have made it difficult for me to be around at certain times and a lot of people have been preoccupied in their own lives, which makes complete sense as this is a critical growing period for everyone so people are doing their own things. It just happens to be at a time where I dont have a lot going on in lab before I leave and i’ve had a lot of recent alone time when I don’t want it, and I haven’t really been handling it well. 

I scheduled to see a therapist this week. I’m not too sure how much i’ll gain from it, but i’ve been recommended to do this multiple times and I definitely don’t see the harm. Honestly there’s not much I can do besides tough it out or try harder to do something other than lay in bed and sleep all day. I can only hope that going to Princeton will be my salvation, but it’d be incorrect to depend my happiness on a single event. I’m going to have a great time there sure, but these issues aren’t going to disappear. 

I don’t really know what I intended to do with this post. I was hoping I’d feel better by making some of this relatively public in attempts to express everything, but I didn’t really get too much out of it and now im questioning my motives for making it at all. I definitely didn’t write this to make anybody feel particularly guilty, this isn’t an issue of friends ignoring me (not that anybody would feel guilty, I just wanted to throw this out there just in case); it just feels like a series of unfortunate events (ha). I guess I just needed something to do at 6 in the morning that wasn’t just me panicking about my life. Sorry if you read this 

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