aginginreverse-blog

[aginginreverse-blog]

The Odds and Ends

Ongoing list of unfortunate incidents, creepers, and those that became nothing. ************************************

One week before my 40th birthday, a friend started texting me while drunk. A male friend who I hang out with both in groups and alone at bars, never in our homes or anything private like that.

A few times I have wondered if he has the wrong idea or has become interested in being more than friends so I am careful. I don’t engage him physically, don’t initiate hugs good bye, I encourage him to meet women, date, fuck, etc. Amything to be clear we are just friends.

I get the message and felt a bit of dread. It starts simply enough, he asks if I am out. I’m not. I had gone on a six mile hike and was tired at home on my couch. We chatted a bit about nothing in particular and I tried to end the conversation. Then he said, “Are we in a relationship?” Now this...I find this very uncomfortable.

This is a friend who knows I am emotionally tied to another, I frequently talk about my crush with him. I never have said anything about being interested in him in any way. Now this. I don’t answer. Three minutes later, another message. He says he likes me but we aren’t “there” yet. I start swearing out loud in my apartment alone. Are you fucking kidding me?!? I text Lana. Then Natalie but I know she’s out. I tell him this is a conversation that should happen sober. That I think he should go rest.

I end up talking to Lana who calls him an asshole for fucking up our friend group. The next day I get the predicted apology. He was super drunk. He doesn’t remember the conversation at all. He’s sorry. I tell him we are cool...as long as it doesn’t happen again. He says he’s very sorry. I just hope this doesn’t happen again.

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Apparently the new opening lines for dudes at bars is, “What is that you are drinking?” I am always drinking a White Claw when this happens. It is pretty popular now and they sell it at the vast majority of bars I frequent. But...apparently...none of them have seen it or heard of it. This has been the first line at least six times recently. Just interesting.

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It is Christmas. I met #11 at the end of October and we are messaging a lot. I have realized I am completely unavailable emotionally to other men at this point. And, it is hard even picturing making out with anyone. They all seem childish, not special, not interesting. Not him.

I am sitting at LR. I am having a rough day and feel sour. Almost immediately a guy sits nexts to me and asks if I am ok. I look at him. He is nice looking, olive skin tone, in good shape, dressed alright. I tell him I’m ok, just not in a great mood. We talk. He is nice enough, Columbian, owns a community-minded company, etc etc. This is a person I should be excited to meet. He puts the time in, asks me questions about myself, eventually gets me laughing.

He asks for my number at the end of the night. I give it to him and go home. I am already thinking how not interested I am.

2:30 and I get a booty text. I don’t answer. He calls...twice. I don’t answer. I just. Don’t. Care. *************************************

One night at LR, a man wouldn’t. Shut. Up. He just kept talking at me. The bar staff see it happening and take a bit of pleasure in my annoyance.

At first I try to be vaguely polite. I then stop any attention at all. He just keeps talking. He is to my right, I look to my left. There is another dude. I basically ask him to just talk with me until motor mouth leaves.

Now this talker is doing nothing wrong per se. He is in a bar, talking with another patron. He isn’t saying lewd or inappropriate things. He is just annoying. My friends show up and I sit with them for a couple hours. The talker works his way around the bar, annoying several groups. I leave.

The next time I stop in, the barback can barely wait to tell me: the talker is now banned! He had pissed on the patio that night then left.

Lo and behold, a week later, I am sitting at the bar and in walks...the talker. Harold is behind the bar and we look at each other.

The guy tries to order a drink and Harold explains he will no longer be served at LR. He leaves. This is a modern barlife victory.

*************************************

I go to my work’s holiday dinner which I had to plan and during which I cannot relax. I hit LR for a drink and sit alone in my party dress.

A very drunk college BOY starts trying to talk to me. It is painful. He’s a mess. I am nearly old enough to be his mother. He has no game.

I am getting a bit tipsy myself and I am exhausted from my day.

I eventually stop being polite or replying at all. I just keep looking ahead. His friends are goading him on behind me. Strangely he starts repeating one phrase over and over to me: “Oh really?” But he’s saying it incredulously. Like, “Who the fuck are you? Oh really? You’re going to ignore me?” So strange...and weirdly aggressive. Harold tells him to stop, to leave me alone. End of encounter.

*************************************

This story belongs to Lana but needs to be told. We were out together and a dude starts talking to us. It is karaoke night so he asks if we sing. We both do not. He says, “Well if I made you sing what song would you pick?” Lana immediately responds, “You couldn’t MAKE me do anything.” I smile so hard, I just love her...and these dudes don’t even see her coming.

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#11 x 3

October 25, 2018

It is Thursday and the night of the good bye party.

I have no idea if 11 is interested in getting together again but I am hopeful. I go alone to his party and as I walk in I see that he is starting to speak to the crowd. I cross the bar and sit opposite to where I usually do. This way the stage is directly to my right and I listen to him speak. He’s funny, charming. He finishes and I don’t get up. At this point, I have no idea if he is interested in being together again, if he isn’t interested in advertising what has happened, etc. 11 is approached by several friends and I stay put. I feel someone come up behind me and rub my back. I turn around and it is my friend Kent, who happens to be attractive and married. I’m not sure but 11 probably saw this exchange. Kent is there w his wife and I friend so I go over to say hello. This is a relief since I don’t know where 11 and I stand, plus this is his good-bye party so I am sure he will be very busy all night socializing. I sit with Kent’s table and we all start catching up. Ten minutes later, 11 approaches our table. I say hello and introduce him to everyone. He sits down by me and we all chit chat. Then, out of nowhere, he kisses me right in front of them. My heart skips. Ok, I think, this is pretty out in the open. We all chit chat then 11 and I move to bar stools. More kisses. I am elated. He then tells me that he has been selling some artwork through his website and pulls it up to show me. It is beautiful and haunting...like creepy Shel Silverstein. I love it. He asks the bartender for a bit of receipt tape and a pen. Before I know it...he is creating a mini piece for ME. I watch him drawing looping lines over and over, two fuzzy planets connected by a drawbridge, a singular character on the smaller planet and a home structure on the larger. I, again, feel like the luckiest girl in the world. While he draws I am given kisses. I cannot be happier in this moment.

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#11 x 2

It’s the next day and in the afternoon I get a text from #11: Hey! I had a great time last night!

I reply: “So did I. Too much fun with you.” I’m testing the water. Is he being polite and wrapping this up or are we meeting up again?

He replies: “More fun later?” I am elated.

I have a fundraising event to attend after work so we make plans to meet up after.

During the event I am distracted by thinking about our plans. I text him and tell him he is making me a bad person. That his already a bad influence. He answers with some very dirty thoughts. We are flirting and it is incredibly fun. At one point he asks if there is anything new I want to try tonight. He says he is stretching and can customize as needed. This gives me a giggle.

I leave as soon as the event ends, we have agreed to meet first at LR for a beer. I walk in and see Harold behind the bar. I suddenly feel a bit shy around him. He saw me and #11 leave together last night and I wonder if he is going to give me a (joking) hard time over it, say anything, or worse, say nothing.

He immediately senses that I am a feeling a bit vulnerable in the situation and kindly smiles and offers me my favorite beer. I happily accept.

#11 joins me at the bar and we talk a bit. He proposes we go to my apartment, enjoy each other, then return for drinks. I agree that this sounds amazing and it is exactly what we do. Again it is amazing and we expand on last night.

After we return to LR, have our beers, talk some more and part ways at closing time. Tomorrow is his goodbye party and I already have told him I plan to be there. I can’t wait.

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OMGOMGOMG #11

October 23, 2018

Guess what? It's Tuesday! My new favorite night of the week. It seems everything happens (or starts happening) on Tuesday nights lately. 

Tonight I arrive at Dick's Dive and see my friend, Brian, sitting at the bar. We hang out and catch up. It is busier than normal and we find out there is a FedEx meeting in town so many of the patrons are from that group and in from out of town. Brian leaves after a while and I consider leaving for LR. 

A man approaches me from the FedEx group. He lives in NYC, has a darker skin tone (I believe he is Latino), kinda average looking and doesn't light any fires in me. He actually asks about karaoke nights in town so I tell him about LR. We talk a bit but I still don't feel a connection. He needs to go back to his group but says he is going to come back and buy me a drink so we can talk more. I leave for LR. 

It is pretty empty upon arrival but there is Perry who somehow seems, if it's possible, more drunk than four weeks ago. I sit at the bar and Harold brings me a beer...with an orange slice because he knows me. 

I notice a man I have seen there before several times. This man...I cannot talk to. He is so good looking to me that I can't even consider it. Could I approach 9.25? Sure. 10? Yes. Businessman? No problem. This guy? No way. He is tall (6'3" I would guess), dirty blonde hair, longer and straight on top, short beard, slender. He is a cyclist and wears these black, fingerless leather gloves everywhere that kill me. His clothes are utilitarian and he always has a camping-type backpack with him. He sometimes DJs here and always looks good. I. Just. Can't.

I hang out for a bit then get up to use the ladies room. I head back to my stool...round the corner...and he is standing there waiting...for me. I catch a quick breathe and smile then say hello. He just starts talking to me. He asks about my day. I ask about his. Turns out his dissolution was literally finalized this morning. I tell him I am in the middle of one! He tells me he is leaving in a week for an around-the-world trip. He hasn't traveled much and it sounds incredible. He will be gone 2-3 years. I realize that I have seen an event on FaceBook for his goodbye party on Thursday and mention that I was probably going to attend. 

After a few minutes, he says, "This is where I tell you I am a bad person and am stepping outside to have a cigarette." I look at him and ask if I can have one. I smoked for years off and on and now have 2 or 3 cigarettes a year with no problem. He seems happy that I don't have an issue with his being a smoker. We stand on the patio and talk more. Where we are from. What we do. Then Perry comes out and sits near us. 

He looks at this man and says while pointing at me, "She's a sweet girl." I say thank you and try to keep the conversation moving. I ask Perry how he is getting home (he drove here and plans to drive home), I beg him to let me call him a car and he won't have it. I don't know his address so I text #10 since they are friends to see if he can send me an address. 

Perry then looks at us and slurs, "Are you two going to have sex tonight? You gonna fuck?” The beautiful man is standing behind me so I can't see his face. I say, "Perry. That's really not appropriate to ask. Can we not do this?" He apologizes and we decide to head back in to our stools inside. 

More talking. I like him. I like looking at him and I like talking with him. We get more comfortable and I am pretty confident in where this going. 

Perry comes in and something strange happens. There is a couple near him and the woman starts rubbing on Perry, unbuttoning his shirt, kissing his neck. The man of the couple is watching all of this. Me, the beautiful man, and Harold all watch...fascinated. I say, "Perry is going home with that couple tonight. I hope they don't rob him." He eventually leaves with them in a cab. It has been quite the night and isn't over yet.

It is almost time for the bar to close. We are tabbing out and the beautiful man leans over to me so only we can hear, “I’m going to ask Harold if I can leave my bike here tonight. Is that ok with you?” He is asking if he can come home with me. I look at him and slowly nod my head...yes...yes beautiful man...you can come home with me.

We go to my apartment and step onto the balcony for a smoke. We look at the skyline and keep talking. At some point I can’t take it. I NEED to kiss him. I step forward and we kiss and it is nice...really nice. I lean back and ask if he has any tattoos...I’m not sure why but I just need to know in that moment.

“Yes I have three. Do you?” he asks.

“Yes I have six. Where are yours?” I ask back. Kiss.

“On my upper arms. Where are yours?” he asks.

“Mine are all over.” Kiss.

“Can I see them?” I say yes. “Can I see all of them?” He is adorable and I say yes he can.

We go inside and help each other out of our clothes while the kissing continues.

He becomes #11. He is delightful and just as complimentary as #10. His body is long and lean and wonderful. We are together for hours and he leaves at 5am...but first asks for my number which I am more than happy to share with him. I hope more than anything I see him again before he leaves. I text Lana of course. Her response: “I need deets!”

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10 x 2

October 12, 2018

It’s Friday so I go to work. Around 11am it arrives...the text I knew was coming. The businessman sends a long message explaining that he has never met anyone like me on his travels, that he has a lot going on and wasn’t himself, that it was so wrong of him to do that, and that he was very sorry because I didn’t deserve it. Overall, he does a good job apologizing and I do feel a small pang of sympathy for him...stay with me here.

This guy could have said nothing, I had him in my apartment and he was leaving in a day and a half. Also, he was obviously emotionally distraught about his life once he came clean. This is a guy who is toying with the idea of an affair but couldn’t go through with it. Does this mean I forgive him or am letting him off the hook? No. But he’s human, probably unhappy in his life, and struggling.

I reply without saying “it’s ok” or anything of the like. I tell him he should have told me at any point following up to the dinner date so that I can make a decision about my evening knowing that information. That I didn’t deserve to be misled.

He admits I am right on all counts and again apologizes. I wish him well and that is it. He floats back out to the world and hopefully back to his wife (oh god, and kids?!?!).

In the afternoon, I get another text...from 10. He wants to know what happened and I quickly explain the previous night. “You homewrecking minx,” he says, messing with me. He invites me to his house later that evening to make it all better...and he does. I leave in the morning feeling fantastic and don’t give the businessman another thought.

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The Date

October 11, 2018

It’s Thursday and I have a date tonight. I can’t quite believe it. It’s warm out and I wear my favorite dress: a long, kimono style wrap dress that has an open back and low front. This dress looks great on my tall frame so I feel confident on my way out.

I arrive before him and sit at the bar of this very nice restaurant. I order a gin and ginger then he arrives looking very nice and orders a dirty martini. After a few minutes our table is ready and we sit down. We then have what I can only describe as a fantastic date. The conversation flows easily, we laugh a lot and talk about our lives, work, upbringing, food. We order a couple plates to share and one is teriyaki grilled octopus with hearts of palm and pineapple purée. I have never had octopus but he swears by it and I agree that it is delicious. We drink craft beers and close the restaurant down.

It’s 11:00 and I ask if he wants to see my bar, LR. He says yes so we drive over in my car. We sit down at the bar and there are only a few other customers in the whole place. Harold is working and brings us beers. We talk until the bar closes. “This date is amazing,” I think to myself, I couldn’t be having more fun and it feels like we have really hit it off.

I decide to invite him up to my place, at the very least some kissing would be nice. We walk out to my car and I ask if he wants to come up and see my view. He says yes. We get inside my apartment and then...a weird shift in energy. I write it off as him feeling nervous.

It is now 2am on a work night. I am thinking we need to get things moving if anything is going to happen. I go for the blunt approach.

“Want to go lay down and makeout for a bit?” I ask.

He looks at me and says, “I have to tell you something.

I’m married.”

My jaw drops. I gather quick thoughts.

“Ok,” I reply, “Is there any agreement in place that makes ANY of what happened tonight ok?” Plenty of people are in open or polyamorous relationships, I am hoping this is the case just like 10.

“No,” he says. And then...word vomit. He starts trying to explain everything at once.

“I don’t wear a wedding ring because I have lost three of them.”

“Lie,” I think to myself.

He continues.

He didn’t expect us to vibe this well.

He travels all the time.

He sees his wife once every ten days.

I say, “You don’t have to explain anything to me.” I just want him to go.

He keeps talking. I repeat myself and show him out.

I. Am. Livid. Over the past 48 hours he could have told me countless times. He could have not texted me first. He could have not set a date. He could have not come to LR or up the my apartment. Unbelievable.

Shamelessly I text 10 hoping for a response: You would not believe my night.

I text Lana and Natalie: Well...he’s FUCKING MARRIED.

I go to bed.

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The Next Day

October 10, 2018 I am at work and get a text from the businessman in the morning. It is a simple thank you for the ride and for showing him around text. I reply, tell him he’s welcome and leave it at that. I have a dinner and a movie planned with Natalie and Lana that night. I park my car and hear another text go off. It’s him. He wants to know about the nicer places to eat and drink in town.

The rest of the night we text back and forth. We have the same sense of humor and I enjoy all of it. We make dinner plans for the next night and it’s really...exciting. This is an actual date and I cannot remember the last time I did this.

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The Businessman

October 9, 2018 It’s another Tuesday and it has been a couple weeks since #10. He has been busy with his kids and girlfriend and divorce so we haven’t met up again. I decide to return to Dick’s Dive for another bluegrass night. I sit at the bar and, after some time, sense a man two stools down and glance over. He looks like Kit Harrington. Great hair. Nicer clothes. Cute. Younger. Ok now what?

The night goes on and I sip my spiked seltzer. The band starts playing and the bar starts to fill up. He stands and walks past me to go to the men’s room. Someone takes his seat. He returns and sits right next to me. There. That is all I need. Something falls into place and I get the courage to start a conversation.

I lean over and say, “You know, you have a celebrity twin?” He looks at me, a bit surprised. “Leonardo DiCaprio?” he says. Obviously this is what he typically hears. “No,” I shake my head and smile, “Kit Harrington.” “Oh! Jon Snow, Game of Thrones right? I prefer that to DiCaprio.”

We talk a while. He is from the west coast, works in IT, is in on business for four days. It’s the perfect situation. He’s very easy to talk to and the conversation flows. He has nicer tastes and I feel the need to act as a travel agent since we aren’t currently in the most impressive part of town.

I start telling him about the arts district where he can find nice restaurants and bars. We decide to head that way and I drive since he had walked from his hotel. We go to one more bar (more easy conversation) and I drive him back to the hotel. He asks for my number and I give it to him. He thanks me for the ride and...leaves. No move attempted. I am guessing I won’t hear from him.

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Back in high school

September 26, 2018 I go to work the next day but the whole morning I spend thinking of my time with 10. He texts around 11am to tell me he had a great time and I agree. He says we should do it again sometime and I agree. I drive to Lana’s house after work to fill her in.

I have known Lana since I was five years old. We went through all of grade school and high school together but lost touch in college. I always enjoyed her. She is wild and fun, stunning, confident, strong, and I rarely can remember times when she isn’t smiling or laughing. She went through her own divorce a few years ago and then moved to my city. She is dating a guy she knew (and had a crush on) in high school and they are very happy. It was incredibly serendipitous that she is with me now and I couldn’t have gotten through the past six months without her.

She swings open the door with one of her huge smiles and is SOOOOO excited for me. I start telling her the story of 10. When I tell her how I picked him up at LR (when I told him I lived a few blocks away out of nowhere) she just screams, “That is the TITS!!” It is one of her favorite expressions and I like illiciting it from her. We feel 16 again and laugh and talk and scream. She wants to see 10 and looks him up on FaceBook. One of his pictures shows him with three very good looking, burly friends. Lana points her finger at one man and says the following sentence in a singsong voice (her finger bouncing from one man to the next with each word): “Yes. Please. At. The. Same. Time.” It is one of the funniest things I have witnessed from her and we crumple into giggles.

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#10

September 25, 2018 It is one week later and I decide to check out the karaoke night Perry and I had discussed. I am lucky to have another girlfriend along for the ride this evening, Natalie. Natalie is also single but has been for a while and definitely has more requirements than I do at this moment in time. She looks at shoes, clothes, hair cuts, won’t consider smokers/dippers, and is easily turned off from certain men compared to my current “good enough for me” attitude. She is extremely fashionable, artsy, dry witted and has no idea how much she has to offer. She is amazing.

We meet first at Dick’s Dive to listen to bluegrass and I point out several men to her. None of them meet her requirements. I talk to her about Perry, tell her I found him intimidating, and eventually we decide to travel over to LR.

We have driven separately and I arrive at LR before Natalie. I walk into the bar and greet Harold. I look to my left and there is the karaoke set up. I do a double take.

Oh. God. Is THAT him??? A drunk, disheveled man is singing. Oh no no no that IS him. Fuck. Wait. Tell me he’s not singing...yep...that’s Jimmy Buffet. The Pina Colada song. As if on cue, Natalie walks in. This will not go well.

I come clean immediately. She looks to the man slurring the song out with his unbuttoned shirt hanging open and his belt end hanging from his waist. She looks at me and says, “Please don’t touch that man.” I can’t say she is wrong. He doesn’t at all resemble the man I thought I met a week ago.

We sit down on barstools and Perry finishes singing his song. I notice he is with another guy who reminds me of neighbor Steve from Stranger Things. He eventually recognizes me from across the bar and sends us over a round of drinks. We accept them and after a few minutes I tell Natalie I should go say thank you. I walk over and thank him for the drinks. He introduces me to his friend and I get a good look at him. He is younger, cute, has fantastic hair and an athlete’s body, and is dressed better than most.

After a few minutes of conversation, I tell Perry I should return to my friend. He tells me to bring her over and his friend stops him. He says to Perry, “Don’t be a dick.” He then looks at me and says, “Have fun with your friend, we will be around.”

Natalie and I settle into our drinks for the evening. After an hour or so, we decided to join Perry and his friend. We all chitchat for a bit then Perry heads outside. Natalie and his friend begin talking. “Oh! This could be great for her!” I think. The man is cute, the night is winding down, and if I were her I would at least make out with him. I decide to step outside and check on Perry so they can get to know each other. At the very least, I figure maybe I can make some friends out of this. Perry has a sadness around him and I end up feeling more maternal than I expect. He certainly isn’t a bad guy he just has a lot going on. When I go back in, his friend has gone to the men’s room and I sit down next to Natalie. “How’s it going?” I ask with my eyebrows jumping up and down in excitement for her. “Pretty good,” she says. Hmmm. Ok so she isn’t thrilled but she hasn’t ruled him out. “Dude. You should make out with that hot man,” I say. “Maybe. I dunno. The attention is nice.” Well, it’s a start I figure.

Side note: I am not trying to push Natalie into anything she hasn’t expressed interest in before. She has often said she would like to have some physical interaction or relationship with a man. Just wanted that to be clear. Back to it...

The friend comes back from the men’s room and it is somehow discovered that he dips tobacco. Natalie is done. And, she makes it very clear to him that she is done. He has broken one of her cardinal rules and nothing will be happening between them. This isn’t directly said but it’s very clear and he gets it immediately. Once the shift is felt, he walks to the other side of me, and says, “I think your friend is done with me.” I look up at him from the bar stool and say, “Well, I live two blocks from here.” His eyes get wide. He’s not sure he has heard me correctly or understands what I am insinuating. “Wait. Are you serious?” he says. I look at him and still find him incredibly attractive, he’s close enough now that I can smell him and it is nice...clean. But I also realize I have neglected my single woman duties and have not purchased protection to keep at my apartment. “Do you have anything with you?” I asked him. “I have something in a gold wrapper,” he replies. “Then I’m serious.” We are both smiling. Quick plans are made to meet out front once Natalie and Perry leave. We will now call him 10.

10 gets in my car and we start quickly getting to know each other. I explained that I’m going through a dissolution after a 13-year relationship. He asks how many people I’ve been with since this relationship ended and I look at him and tell him he will be the first...and I have only had sex once this year...and it was in March. He seems a bit shocked and then explains that he will take this very seriously which I find adorable. It’s almost like an honor for him and tonight we do whatever I want, he is at my service. He’s personable, charming, attractive, and only positive. 10 is also going through a divorce but has two little kids. We get to my apartment and he explains would like to shower beforehand, I have no problem with this at all. I help him strip down and we start making out. He showers and meets me in the bedroom. 10 then explains he has a 23-year old girlfriend (he is 33) in another state. They are in a new relationship and have an agreement that he can be with other women. Works for me, this is their relationship to handle, not mine. They have a code word for when he is with someone else: Bingo. I am his first Bingo in their relationship and he sends her a message so she knows what is happening. We go to bed. The next three hours are fun and fantastic. He is one of the most complimentary partners I have ever been with. When my bra comes off, I start explaining that I’ve lost weight recently and sadly most of my chest is gone. He pulls back from me and says, “Do not ever apologize to anyone for your body. It’s perfect, you’re beautiful.” How great is that? I smile and probably blush in the dark. It’s nice. Without going into sordid details, I will say everything was exciting, sexy, and...silly. 10 has a great sense of humor during sex that wasn’t annoying or cheesy. His skin is the softest I have ever felt and his skills are on point in every category. It was all...perfect. The perfect first pull after 13 years. I cannot believe how much fun I have. 10 sleeps over. We turn out the lights after 5am.

Around 5:30 I text Lana since I know her alarm is going off: There is a man sleeping next to me. Her response: I need deets!!!

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New Venue, New Potential

September 18 2018 Everyone (read: every single woman) needs a handful of places (read: bars) they feel comfortable visiting alone. While LR is my top choice, I am lucky to have three others as well: Robert’s, The Theatre, and Dick’s Dive.

Dick’s Dive offers jazz most nights, but on Tuesday’s it is all about bluegrass. Starting at 10pm, musicians start to gather on a tiny stage in this dark bar that has been an institution since the 1960s. The regulars and bartenders are characters but good people. I am cozy here and happy.

The night is getting late when two men begin talking to me. They are friends who are going to LR later for karaoke. The one, Perry, is older than me but I am guessing under 50. He has a sculpted head of hair, is wearing a crisp white men’s shirt and nice pants which makes him stand out at Dick’s Dive where you can drink all night on a twenty-dollar bill.

He asks actual questions about my life and I find him...intimidating? He seems like a MAN man, no matter how old I get I still don’t feel like an actual grown up. He wants me to meet them at LR but I know this is ill-advised. It is a work night. It is late. These are two men I do not know. So...I tell him not tonight but that I will meet him there next week. He whispers to me that I am adorable and leaves. Looks like I have plans next Tuesday.

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The Let Down

“I didn’t want to break your newly-single-girl heart, but...,” Lana looks at me, “Once they are over 40 it tends to work a lot less especially after drinking.” It was the day after I made out with 9.25 and I had relayed the story of the previous night. I certainly had heard of this phenomenon but didn’t realize I was now interacting with men in the affected age bracket.

After the makeout session, I ran into 9.25 several times. We both seemed to enjoy talking with each other. He asked me out several times, asked for my number, then told me all the reasons it would be a terrible idea to date him (his life was a mess, he lived in a one room apartment with a half bath and no kitchen, etc.). I explained I don’t care how much money someone makes or what their living situation may be. I also pointed out that I had my own mess of a life happening.

He took my number. Then nothing. He never called. Why do they ask for the number then never call? How long do they wait to throw out the little piece of paper with your name and number on it? So irritating. Onward and upward.

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First Taste of Freedom

August 11 2018

I was so close to getting out I could taste it. I knew I was done with my marriage long before I could tell anyone.

I was loyal.

Committed.

Supportive.

One half of the perfect couple.

I was also slowly suffocating.

Losing my mind.

Becoming a mother to him against my will.

Dreading the future.

I hid my unhappiness to keep others happy, believing in perfection.

Now...I was so close to being out. I had told the husband. I had done the therapy. My perfect apartment would be ready in a month. Sure I was sleeping on the couch in the basement for now but even that felt great. It meant it was real. I was getting out.

And now. Now, the guy I talked with a month ago just sat down next to me at my bar, LR. OK, I don’t own LR but I at least pay the electric bill each month in the draft beers I drink there.

In July, I was with a group of friends at LR and saw a tall, dark-haired good looking man. After a bit he sat down at the bar and I sat next to him. We talked. It was just nice to be able to do it. The freedom to talk to an attractive man. After a bit, my friends were leaving so I left too. No names exchanged. No numbers. But the thought that we may run into each other again.

And now, it had happened. I was back at LR with just Lana drinking on the rooftop patio. I offer to run downstairs to grab drunk food from the kitchen window and, while spinning around with a tray of tacos balanced on one hand, I saw him. The Guy.

I run upstairs.

“That Guy is here,” I announced. Lana instantly knows who I mean. We destroy the tacos and head downstairs.

We sit down at the bar and order drinks from the best bartender a girl could hope for, Harold. The Guy (let’s call him 9.25) appears on the stool next to me. We talk and talk. Lana is the best wing woman. She stays next to me, takes part in the conversation when addressed, but really just hangs out and allows me to talk with 9.25.

What happened next is...questionable.

Lana: “I’ve got to leave, I’m calling a car. Do you want to come with me?”

Me: “I’m staying here. Get the fuck out of here.”

Lana smiles, kisses my cheek good-bye and disappears.

9.25 and I are alone. Drunk. The bar closes and we stumble out front. Sloppy kissing begins and feel my bar rep plummet as we stand under the bright light on a busy street.

As any classy 39 year old would, I ask 9.25 “Want to go make out behind the bar?” He does.

And we do. And it feels great but...while he is involved and kissing me back and feeling my hips and sides of my ass and chest...that’s it. There is no movement south of the beltline. And I would know, we are pressed up pretty well on each other. This is new to me. Perhaps he wasn’t as interested as I thought?

We part ways and I ride home in a Lyft both satisfied with my first physical interaction post-marriage and confused. What the fuck just happened there?