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[agartis]

Three Legged Chair

I feel as if I need to talk about my father. There are a lot of things that ail me in life that concern him. It is not as if my father just up and left my family or beat us or anything, this not that kind of tragic tale. My father did his best and did what he felt (or still feels) was necessary. I accept that. However, I cannot pretend as if my father's actions did not have an effect on me. He was always generally around, but he was distant and stand offish and sometimes he was outright mean, for most of my conscious life. Don't get me wrong there are some good memories. I enjoyed all the time we spent playing video games, listening to music, doing yard work, or just talking. These things very rarely happened, but they were some of my best childhood memories. The majority of my memories involving my father are of him yelling, screaming, whooping me or verbally demoralizing me. It was as if I lived with a bully that had control over my entire life. That sounds drastic but it is truly how I feel. I won't go into detail but there were some hateful words passed my way many times from my father and many days I got my butt whipped for minor things. As I can recall I was a good kid, until I sort of rebelled when I was 16, but that didn't last long. So, it really bothers me that my memories are quite oxymoronic when comparing those of my father to those of myself. Every kid has their problems and need disciplined from time to time, but there were times that I was put on punishment and my dad would forget, and if we brought it up to him he would make it longer. Let me put it this way, usually kids know they are in trouble if their dad has to whip them, but for me, I knew I screwed up if it was my mom. My father would put me on punishment or whip me for the smallest things, most of them as a result of my fear of him. My mother on the other hand would talk to me like a human being, explain why what I did was wrong or scold me if I knew better, but I was only whipped by her if I did something really wrong, and I understood that. All I ever wanted was for him to take an interest in me, come to my school events, teach me to play football, talk to me about girls, help me with homework, etc. I wanted him in my life. I wanted a chance to really get to know my father. It is just weird to think how little I know about my father, and part of that is my fault, but I cant remember the last time I felt comfortable in my fathers presence. Every time I am around him I feel as though everything I say is being judged, like I am being inspected, like everything I do is under a microscope. Because, whether you believe it or not, my father is right about any and everything, and he is the only person who knows the way to the promised land. He has the keys to success. So you could imagine how difficult it is being his son. Kind of like how I imagine Zeus' many sons feel. I mean, how can I possibly measure up to his standards. He is one to tell you what you need to do rather than giving suggestions and talking through it. It was so bad that I consistently questioned every decision I have ever made if it was not one he made for me causing me to constantly fear failure which lead to many failures in my life. I have also come to find that I make radical decisions subconsciously just to spite him, just to prove that I did not have to go the route he wanted me to, that I can be great without him. That even though he didn't care about the things I loved, even though he would rather play his game than spend time with me, even though he scorned me for being a teenager and having life outside of him when he finally decided to try and have a relationship with me -- I am not a failure. I long so badly for success just so that he can see what he missed out on that I have lost my own voice. I have forgotten why I want success, what I want to be successful in, where I want to go in life, where I want to live, I just don't know anymore. So this is me, burying the hatchet, forgiving and forgetting. Because I know that forgiveness is not for him, it is for me. I must forgive him in order for me to see past all the pain and anger to find the person that I am. I have to forgive so that I can create my own vision of success modeled after what I want in life, not what my father wants. I love my father, always have, always will, and if one day he comes to me and he his willing to accept his faults and not try to excuse them, and he truly wants a relationship with me then I will accept him. But, for now all I can do is forgive him, God will do the rest.

[agartis]

Stream

I have no idea why I am doing this. Not even just typing this silly stream of consciousness. Life in general. I have no clue where I am going, what I am doing. I have goals, I'm not foolish enough to not, however, I find my goals  mediocre at best and just downright under shooting my potential. I wish things were just easier. I wish that I had some extreme talent that afforded me some sort of fame of scholarships or something. Unfortunately, I am not so lucky. I am but an average man with an average life. I do, however, feel as though there has to be something against me in this world. I mean, it seems as though whatever can go wrong does. I know that some of it is my own doing, but, there comes a point where you just have to think that someone somewhere Is just playing a cruel joke on me. I don't mind it though. I somewhat enjoy the struggle because it gives me a story to tell. It allows some sort of a break from all the monotony. In the long run I know I will be thankful for all the struggles, mainly because each struggle has taught me a lesson and has somehow forced me to become self sufficient, or more so. But, there is still nothing greater than the story. Words on paper, words from the mouth, drawings, paintings, music, dance, film, photography, etc. They all tell stories and is there anything more incredible than that? I love to sit and talk to people, not just because I was given the gift of gab or that I am a narcissist, but because every time I talk to someone I gain another story to tell. Everyone always has an interesting tale, or maybe a not so interesting one, but regardless there is something to be learned from everyone. I guess if I could do one thing before I close my eyes for good, it would be to tell everyone's story. I know that it is far fetched, maybe even over zealous, but I cannot think of one other thing that would bring me extreme joy other than collecting the wisdom of the young, old, rich, poor, white, black, Hispanic, Indian, Asian, etc., and spreading it across the world for everyone to hear. The only problem I see is that I am not sure if anyone would listen. Not only to the stories, but more importantly -- me. I have no extreme background, I have no story to tell. I am but an average man living an average life. 

[agartis]

Enter Into My Rest

Who do we let in our rest?

Have you ever woken up one day to realize that you were lost? Not just a little confused as to what you were going to do for that day or any simple day to day concerns, but truly lost. That feeling inside that you couldn't do anything right, that there was no purpose to your existence, that there was no calling. It is a dark and sad feeling. One of loneliness, despair, and apathy. What I have come to find out over time is that we often feel lost not only because of what is inside of us, but what is outside. What I am meaning to say is this: the people we let into our lives have more of an effect on us than what we believe.  I was up late one night reading and I decided to read Hebrews chapter 4, or at least most of it, and I found myself not being able to really get passed verse 3: For we which have believed do enter into rest, as he said, As I have sworn in my wrath, if they shall enter into my rest: although the works were finished from the foundation of the world. The key part within that passage is "As I have sworn in my wrath, if they shall enter into my rest." This rest that the Lord is referring to is the Sabbath, His day of rest. The Lord spent 6 days laboring creating this world and finally the seventh day came and he was able to rest. Now, I myself am a fan of having a day to rest, and like my Father, I am not too keen on keeping negative, disobedient, and angry people around me whilst I am trying to rest. The way I interpret this passage is like listening to a frustrated father trying to take a nap. Although I the Lord has finished my works from the foundation of this earth, I will take the time to make sure you do not enter my rest, that you will not disturb my peace, that you will not steal my joy. People, it is right here in front of us. Everyday we allow people into our lives that don't belong, we let people walk over us and steal our joy. There has to come a point where we stand up and we say enough is enough. I understand some people we have to deal with on a day to day basis due to obligations, however, we must keep these parasitic people out of our rest. Psalms 95:11 says it best "I sware unto my wrath that they should not enter into my rest." You cant just politely tell people to hit the bricks, no, you have to swear unto your WRATH that they should not enter into your rest. No matter who it is, what relation you have to them, what they have done for you. If they cared for you and really wanted to see you happy they wouldn't be in this category to begin with, so tell them.

[agartis]

Everything happens for a reason

So I was scheduled to open today after closing last night. I had to be here until 2 this morning seeing as my closing driver decided to be a an ass and disrespect me and I had I send him home, which meant I was doing his job. The thing is though, I set fucking three alarms so I would wake up yet none of them went off. Even more weird, I woke up at 8:40 to go pee and checked my alarms because I wanted to get that extra 20 minutes of sleep. Of course things aren't that simple. I wake up, not to the sound of my iPod alarm, but to the sound of nothing, so I look at my iPod, what does the time say? Fucking 10:57! I woke up an hour and 27 minutes past the time I was scheduled and 3 minutes till the store opened. So I spring out of bed throw on some clothes and speed my ass off to work. I already knew that either they called my boss in to open, or they were just not opening until I got there, both were pretty bad. I get to the store and my boss is there, making me look like the absolute biggest doofus in the whole world. She isn't happy, I'm not happy, no one there is happy. I just immediately lost all respect from all of my employees. I know they say everything happens for a reason, I'm just having trouble figuring out what this reason is. I mean, my alarm worked perfectly fine yesterday, now all of a sudden it's shit? I just pray that God covers me in this time, that he protects my image and my job, because if everything happens for a reason, I hope the reason wasn't for me to find new employment.

[agartis]

Just because I feel like writing

Streams of consciousness are weird to me. Mainly because the thoughts that I feel are important are in my subconscious mind. My inner most hopes and dreams, the feelings I wish I could express, and the person I really am are all hidden away in the recesses of my mind. I wish I could somehow broadcast this for all to see. That way there may be one person out there who would understand me. Hell, I don't even understand myself. I feel lonely most days. It's not even like I'm alone that often. I have my roommates and coworkers and a handful of friends I see almost daily, yet I am always feeling lonely. I think that I am just missing something in y life. Better yet, someone. Someone to love, to cherish, to pour myself into. It just seems like everyone I try to get close to, that I try to love, has someone they see as better than me. Everyone says that confidence is how you get women, but how can I be confident if everyone sees me as second best? How can I love myself if no one else sees me worthy of love? Most days I feel pitiful, but every now and then I get lucky and I'm on top of the world. Why isn't every day like this?

[agartis]

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I Am Not Trayvon Martin pt.2

[agartis]

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I Am Not Trayvon Martin pt. 1

[agartis]

If you are a teacher or going to be… Watch this!!!

If you are not a teacher.. WATCH THIS!  

I love this and I am so glad someone put this into words. 

[agartis]

1. When people talk about views different than your own, you don’t get angry

You can’t be angry without being afraid and you have no reason to be afraid your argument is wrong if you are a critical thinker. Your argument isn’t you, it is a thing you think, which can be replaced by another,...

[agartis]

Shakespeare in the Park

All words in this comic are courtesy of the great William Shakespeare.

[agartis]

Commandment 10

If only you could see how our hearts intertwine, How our minds connect, How in time You could be mine. My heart is yours, But you won't take it, So I lay on the floor Just wanting you more. You say yours is taken, But how can that be? I guess my heart is mistaken, For my love you have forsaken Hopefully you'll see, One day I hope, What all we could be, Just you and me. Until then, My heart aches for you, Coveting is a sin, So that shall be my end.

[agartis]

Driving down a street, windows down. Passenger seat. There’s a stop light up ahead. It turns yellow. It turns red. I’m momentarily forced to pause what I’m doing. I look to my right. A natural reaction, considering a voice coming from that direction has just caught my attention. A scraggly...

[agartis]

I dig my bare feet further into the sand.

Tiny morsels of withered rock hug my toes and suddenly I am comforted.

I watch the evening drift into night, feeling the sun’s last minute kiss as it slowly descends somewhere below the ocean floor, ready for a new day.

Easily amused by the...

[agartis]

[agartis]

My new piece. Future tatt?

[agartis]

http://www.change.org/petitions/dr-susilo-bambang-yudhoyono-close-surabaya-zoo

. Please sign the petition to close this disgusting zoo.

[agartis]

Poem turned rant

Love sneaks upon an unsuspecting soul A soul blinded by depression absent of hope Or one content without love One that denies its existence Or those that acknowledge the existence but curses the name No matter what, love never comes to those that wait That obsesses That forsake all other aspects of life It is not right to ignore your own needs for the sake of being wanted Cared about Loved These things come as they may What we can control is how we feel for ourselves How we treat ourselves How we let ourselves be treated It has become apparent in my generation, and in my own psyche, that love from others is out on a unfathomable pedestal while we neglect - self love. One would rather be treated like utter shit and belittled a long as they feel wanted and loved. I have done this plenty of times and I have let it happen too often. When I look into the eyes of someone going through the same I see a bit of myself. It is not fair that some of us find love easier than others, I understand that. However, we never stop to think that maybe that love is found not through the pursuit of love, but through the finding of true love of self. Although I am far from the first person to say such things and far from the last, I still find the need for them to be said. We put such aggrandized emphasis on finding love from others, but why? I understand lust and hormones, but, there has been a surfacing if inherent desires to be with someone forever, building a family. We all want so badly to be that exception to the statistic of failed high school and college relationships. Why don't we just chill the fuck out?! I'll be the first to admit that I would love to settle down, but lets be realistic. Even if the next relationship I begin is my last, I am still a while away from settling down. So can we stop trying to manifest a nation without even manifesting ourselves? Life goes in steps. Step one, find yourself. Step two, find your true family and friends. Step three, find true love. Step four, find happiness. Please stop trying to skip to steps three and four. Not saying your life won't be happy until you complete all of these, but truthfully, it's a struggle up until you get completely settled, and it sucks. But I beg of you, find yourselves, find the people closest to you, then love will come. You don't have to search, you won't have to struggle, you won't have to force it, it will happen. And although this is coming from someone who is utterly single and despondent, I know in my soul this is true. I am a hopeless romantic.