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[agar18]

Inspired by Francis Alys’ installation from last years lecture, I thought it would be interesting to play on the ideas of hiding and shielding information from the viewer through layering as well as the use of multiples within the same place. 

Since we are all in quarantine at the moment, I tried my best with the free Photoshop download for my laptop and the photos I had previously taken of my work to make a mock up installation. So that without physically having the works with me, or a lot of space, I could move things around and see what sparked up ideas. I quite liked the juxtaposition between the celebratory painting and the written prose on top making the two objectives of both pieces clash and converse. I find that the prose is a central piece of my work so far as it really triggered that turning point in my practice recently. 

I also liked the use of my sister’ s paintings of our old house in the philippines and how the multiples show different views of the same place or environment. Those paintings help me a lot because they are the only real records I have of what our backyard used to look like since i was too young to remember. 

They link the most I think to the idea of piecing my memories and identity together. It would be good to use them for a response painting of my own later on possibly.

[agar18]

Next Couple of Weeks...

Moving on with the brief during quarantine will be interesting... but after having that time to think through my ideas and come to a more solid idea of what I want to be working about, its going to be clearer what methods and outcomes I want to be using and aiming for. 

My ideas brainstormed:

I do want to bring in the bunting I had created earlier. I set it up outside, when I was still at uni, in a shared space/environment where it can interact with the people who surround it. It made such a difference! It connected much more with teh feeling I got from the bunting in my family photographs. Making the colours seem more festive and the use of the trash more playful. It would be more effective though if I made many more strings of it to hang up outside, filling the sky with them. 

[agar18]

Statement of Intent (revised #2)

Through my practice, I am wanting to document and translate the journey I am currently going on of trying to find my place, where I sit as a Filipino/New Zealander. By deconstructing my research processes learning more about my culture and systemizing as well as mapping out what I already know, I want to depict and narrate my own journey. Coming to terms with who I am and am not, what I know and dont know concerning my own culture, I want to be able to celebrate as well as critique this part of myself. I hope a sense of nostalgia is felt through the collection of images, objects and texts taken from my own memory, childhood and life. This autobiographical journey will touch greatly on my own identity and what that means for myself, but also what it means for those similar to me, our migrant society and role of culture in society as well.

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CRISIS!

I recently called my grandmother in the Philippines, which I have been wanting to do but haven’t gotten round to for a while now. After I had a good catch up with her, I closed the phone and had a good cry. I decided to just write down what was on my mind at that moment because I just felt it had to come out. I wrote it out again onto acrylic paper because I feel like it is a work within itself, a turning point for me at this moment. 

I realize that I CANNOT avoid this bitter sweet fact of my life. That I am not who I should be. I have this celebration of my new found culture, but I DID NOT HAVE IT to begin with. I have always been missing a part of myself that I have only rediscovered now. Yes, it is a great thing that I have rediscovered it and I am sooo incedibly happy that I have, but I cannot avoid the fact that I am here and not there, and I grew up here and not there, and the disconnect that will always be there. I think moving forward, this is the direction I want to really go in, not only a celebration, but also a critique, they go hand in hand! I think I’ve come to terms with this, especially with the help of my research of other Filipino artists. I know and understand now and am happy that I am in the inbetween stage and may always be there. 

And THAT is specifically the story I want to tell! 

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What I want to say

Why is it so hard to say goodbye.  A statement. I know it’s cliche but I get it now or in fact, don’t get it. Why is a phone call not enough? There are so many things I want to share with you but I know it’s for the best that we are apart. When our words run out how I would love to just hold your hand and Sit next to you peeling oranges. Under the dim light of our dining room table backlit by the fountain and the garden. In the same space with you, holding the shirt you just made instead of struggling to see it through the Iphone camera. You have such shaky hands. I miss you and yet I don’t call enough I want to tell you it’s Lolo taking care of you for sure but I don’t know how you’ll react a nd I think you already know it’s him. You say you’re happy and busy, but I can’t help but think about how much you’ve cried when we aren’t there? Because we aren’t there. Why can’t our two worlds just be compatible? Tears come either way, happy ones and sad ones. Tears of heaven Because we both know this is how it’s meant to be. Even if we lose sight of the bigger picture sometimes. Your there and I’m here Submit to it, be docile Be a better daughter Call more often Love with deeds Make this resolution Even though it may never be a resolution. I love you, bottom line When I paint you and you don’t know, when I look at you in our photos everyday and you don’t realize That’s how I am with you. Running through our house with you, sewing buttons with you, eating papaya with you All from a distance, I wake up. When I say I pray for you every day, I don’t know if you really believe me. God knows. (that I disappoint) Father forgive me, I forget sometimes. Say what I want to say! or just write it down. Sometimes the person doesn’t need to know How can she? I can’t tell her any of this. I hope she already knows. Connected by our invisible communication, That’s my resolution

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[agar18]

EVALUATION OF LARGE PAINTING: pg 10-11 of Notebook

I have kept adding to the painting, with more colour combinations and lines however, I still feel like I am just putting down the colour for the sake of combinations and layers, and not really connecting it back to my photographs. It has become increasingly busy for no reason and thats why I wanted to add a bit fo clarity to break up the mess with the palm leaves in the corner. 

I find this quite effective as I liked drawing directly from the pictures I had taken, as well as the idea that its like I am still looking through the leaves at my own culture. With the colour peeking through the trees, I feel, it is touching back on the feelings I had to begin with and the sense of the beautiful little ‘moments’ that I saw in the pictures that I want to portray. 

However, I am really struggling with the idea of having to FINISH a whole large piece such as this. To fill all the white space. 

BUT DO I REALLY NEED TO? WHY IS ‘FINISHED’ A THING? DO I NEED TO REACH A ‘FINISHED’ POINT?

The charm of my previous paintings of my grandfather, was that I had left it open, with out needing to finish it, it felt right to leave it half way. The space and open ennded brush strokes was really effective. 

REFLECTING ON RESEARCH: I find that my journey is unfinished. I want to learn more and I have a positive desire to do so which is a good start, but I have to come to terms that I DONT KNOW MUCH! and I cant paint a full picture of something I dont fully know... 

I think I will have to stop for a while on the big girl and get back to her later when I know more what I want to say and how to say it...

[agar18]

Once I prepped my canvas better with some house paint (just one coat even!) it was increasingly better to work with than when I had prepped it with watery gesso! Now the paint spreads a bit further and the colours are retained much clearer on the surface. The paint looks so much juicier and heavy rather than scraped along the surface as previously trialled. 

Still using my photographs as a reference for colours etc, I started to map out the colours and shades onto the canvas. HOWEVER, I find there is still not enough variation in different strokes and layers as the smaller sample paintings. I think because its so large, I have to work with bigger brushes and areas of colour, taking more time, mixing and laying down, therefore it takes longer to layer. I am impatient when it comes to a larger scale, feeling liek i have to rush to get layers down!! Trying to use different sized brushes, a bit of splattering and varying opacity of the paint has so far been working to vary the layers. 

I have also tried different ways to gain a bit more grounding in reality as with such a large scale the link to my photos in the philippines can get lost, making it too much about the colour and strokes and less about where those came from to begin with and the reference they make to my memories.  

Adding tape lines to mimic buildings, and the ‘San Lorenzo’ name found on an archway above the steps, helps to ground the painting at a certain place and time. Helps without being too obvious, clues as to the meaning of the painting and the choice of colours. 

[agar18]

Martha Atienza - "Our Islands, 11°16`58.4" 123°45`07.0"E" (2017) 

(NOTES FOUND IN NOTEBOOK: pg 13)

Ive been looking more into Filipino artists like Martha Atienza, Alfredo and Isabel Aquilizan as well as past Filipino artist shows such as https://artradarjournal.com/2016/01/12/wasak-filipino-art-today-at-arndt-berlin/?utm_source=feedly&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=wasak-filipino-art-today-at-arndt-berlin in 2016, and in 2014: http://www.arndtfineart.com/website/page_40589?year=2014. As well as the 2019 APT 9 show on in Brisbane showcasing multiple Filipino artists!

What I’ve discovered is that what holds common for all of these filipino artists, aside from theri nationality, is their ammount of knowledge on their own culture and therefore the ability to critique it however they want. 

I think it is very well captured in this article about the 2016 ‘WASAK!’ show in Berlin: 

“After more than four hundred years of suppression by colonial rule, having experienced political upheavals and natural disasters time and again, and having eventually fostered a culture of diaspora, with millions of Filipinos migrating to different countries every year in the search for a more promising future, the effects of these conditions, however convoluted, are the only indisputable clues in defining Filipino art. The artists in this exhibition provide us with an opportunity to glimpse various parts of the history of this fragmented archipelago.”

In these shows and across the artworks and artists from the Philippines that Ive been looking into it is clear that I am just scratching the surface of our culture. They have all grown up with the history, the traditions, the environment all around them (all are born and raised in the Philippines and were still living there) that it gives them the ability to comment and critique the society and the history how they like. However, for myself, I find that I hardly know anything about my history and culture to be able to comment about anything!

I am caught between this very odd space, where I am still a Filipino by race, and therefore, due to hindsight have come to accept and appreciate that, and want to celebrate and enjoy this new found side of myself...

BUT 

At the same time, I am also an outsider and foreigner to this culture of mine as I have grown up so removed from it. I basically have an outsider’s perspective on the Philippines. Almost, if I could say it, a view on the verge of the exotic. Therefore, do I really have the right knowledge or capacity to actually look back on the history and culture and say something about it? 

Thus, I have come to the conclusion that I really can and have the capacity to comment adn reflect on my own life hostory so far and its interaction with my culture that way. I cannot tackle it as a whole just yet, but I CAN adress what I myself have experienced due to migration, family history and how I’ve come back in touch with it all in recent years. 

THE ARTISTS:

I have come to this thinking, by looking at these different artists as I find that ones like Alfredo and Isabel as well as Martha Atienza are more focussed on showing to the world the kind of situation within the Philippines, help to raise awairness of others around the world and their own backgrounds and people. Meanwhile artists such as Alwin Reamillo and Norberto Roldan are focussed on critiquing and questioning their own history and culture. Why they have been brought up this way, why things are this way in the Philippines today. I know that the Aquilizans are themselves migrants to Australia and are therefore obviously more in touch with migrant issues and telling these stories, but the artists who are more constantly in the Philippines and brought up their whole lives there are therefore wanting to critique more the culture they have grown with. Looking at it with a more local gaze rather than for one outside looking in. As when someone on the outside looks at the Aquilizan’s artworks, they may understand and resonate more with those than with the works that deal more directly with certain moments, movements and people in Philippine history.

Thus, I feel like I am still very much more identified with the Aquilizan’s practice and way of working/ their ideas as their point of view is more similar and relatable to my own. One that I feel is on the same wave length as myself while I am still on my way to learning more about my own culture. As migrants, I believe its a shared experience many people can relate to, positives and harships alike, and is what I have greatly come in contact with in my life. It has become my main focus as it is what I know most about basically, as I am sure they understand as well. So moving forward, I feel more confident now that I have grasped and sifted through all these ideas and hopefully it will help the making process narrow down a bit more. 

[agar18]

I got this book out written by Marianne Hirsch as I find that I always start my making from inspirations I have received from Photographs. So I thought it would be interesting to see how others view the family photograph, what photos do to the audience in general and how people use them in their art and in the world. 

- Really interesting as it is all focussing on the power a photo can hold for the viewer. - Bring back memories, trigger new ones and make us reflect on the future as well.  - Also how certain shocking or signicant events create memories that can trigger people, changing their perspectives on life forever. As well as how they view the past through photos and through the documentation passed on to them.

POSTMEMORY:

Hirsch talks a lot about post memories in her works, (https://www.postmemory.net) where she discusses the construction of meanings and ideas which we live by, dictated by the way we are brought up and what we are brought up knowing. 

“Postmemory” describes the relationship that the “generation after” bears to the personal, collective, and cultural trauma of those who came before-to experiences they “remember” only by means of the stories, images, and behaviors among which they grew up.”

For me, I was always brought up with these negative ideas about Filipinos, my own culture, that my parents UNASSUMINGLY transmitted to me. They did not deliberately indoctrinate me to dislike my own people, but this general atmosphere of not attending cultural events, not watching filipino films or tv shows, moving away from the Philippines and hearing stories from my father’s law practice of backstabbing and lying, all just gave me a sense of shame for my own culture. Mainly I think, moving away from the Philippines really made an impact on the rest of my life! Although we had many photographs and great memories up until I was 6 years old, of our life in the Philippines, I always associated it with my family, cousins, and traditions at home and not with ‘typical life as a Filo’. 

Thats why now, that I am looking back on my own life, with hindsight and maturity, ‘pulling away the veil’ so to speak, I can objectively see what Hirsch is talking about. She goes about it from extreme experiences such as the Holacaust, where memory “is to be shaped, however indirectly, by traumatic fragments of events that still defy narrative reconstruction and exceed comprehension” but looking at it from a migrant perspective, moving away from your home and starting your life again, goes generations back for Filipinos and can have a similar traumatic effect on migrants and their family’s lives. Definitely shaping the ways we view the world and those around us. 

Exhibit A = MYSELF. 

[agar18]

After emailing Giles about the Asia and the Pacific elective and my desire to learn more about the arts in my own culture, he gave me a WEALTH of sources and links to filipino artists, movements and events currently happening or from recent years! 

My first notes from 1/2 of the sources (FOUND IN NOTEBOOK pg 8)

I was actually quite moved listenning, watching and reading these sources. I realise how even though I have lived far from the philippines for all my life, I have certain ideas and convictions about the world and my home that I have come to know myself and are now really staples in my life and dictate all of my art making, and these SAME IDEAS AND CONVICTIONS are shared by all these amazing filipino artists as well! We all are talking about similar things around community, family, tradition, home etc and it feels like I’ve found my home. 

They were already talking about these things while i was just coming to realise them. Like I’m not alone in the way I think and what I want to uphold.

It is really inspiring me to be proud of my culture and what my people can really do and achieve and believe, fuelling my idea of celebration in my works so far.

I CANT WAIT TO LEARN MORE!!

[agar18]

Large scale painting trial one:

Not really working as I thought it would! Even though it was from last year’s project where I gessoed the base and painted it yellow, it did not really help to prep the base well enough as it is still REALLY ABSORBENT and just eating up all my paint! 

Challenges with big scale:

- paint is not enough, doesnt spread well enough - has to be watered down to spread well, but loses its pigment and vigour. - Colours are not mixing well when the base is yellow already. - COST. 

Talking with Nole he thought the same, where from the small scale the paint just sat on top of the paper (which was gessoed 3 times), it is all just sinking into the canvas too much. Becomes like a struggle and you can see it! 

START AGAIN! HOUSE PAINT THE WHOLE THING! 

It will make it easier...

[agar18]

DETAILS of week 1 works

[agar18]

CRITIQUE 1: 

(Official notes found in journal)

1st work - trash bunting installed in studio.

2nd work - painting abstractions 

3rd work - grandpa painting with canary

It was really helpful to have this critique as my group gave me a lot fo really clear feedback as to what they resonated with. They really felt the same feelings from the detailed painting as well as from the abstractions which is what I wanted!! I was able to work through the direction I wanted to go forward with for the next week (2x day artworks). 

At first I did start with similar feelings as how I ended last year, with mixed feelings about memories of my history and past. How I’ve missed out on much and wanting to reclaim that lost time. I think that is why I gravitated towards using my grandfather’s photo as my first instict as there are great feelings of loss and regret there that I wanted to work through. But using my fingers to paint and repreating the same image multiple times and in different itterations, I feel as though I can leave it to rest for a bit now. Like I dont want to dwell on what I have lost as much, but what I want to learn more about! 

Looking at the photos from my previous trip to the Philippines in 2015, I really drew a lot of inspiration and desire to capture the beauty of the Philippines and CELEBRATE my own culture. I believe I’ve taken a positive turn with a thirst to know more and to just appreciate what is there rather than be skeptic about it.

IS THIS ME RUNNING OUT OF MY BIAS? IS MY PREJUDICE RECEEDING? 

Openning up to a desire to reconnect, towards becoming MORE filipino myself and absorbing the culture. 

I also find, as my style of painting loosens up and as I explore my skills with paint, I open up my practice more to what is beyond the object, (what we immediately see) and INTO EXPERIENCE. SENSES OF THINGS, FEELINGS. Not so much literal translations of my ideas anymore. It really makes a difference when you can do more with your paints what you can then delve into! 

There were also many practical concerns and suggestions to move forward with. Mainly:

- Scale - How to incorporate found objects or text (Could collage be a possibility?) - Refining making of bunting, anything but in triangle scale or specific trash? - How to collect trash and how long

[agar18]

Abstract Art ep.2

Kandinski: - Your mind as a viewer being influenced by a theory or ideas previously known. For this, he could USE art to affect the soul. - His making is guided by what works vs what doesn’t, not from any guide outside or picture. He just does and figures it out from there!  - EXPERIENCE OF MAKING. A visual thing, not spiritual. - THE PRIMITIVE, THE MUSICAL, AND THE WAY COLOUR WORKS.  - Primitive: outside the art world. Gets to the heart of the spiritual - Music: art can be LIKE music. Working with colour is like playing the piano! - MONET. Not even a picture, just colours really!  - Movements and countermovements. Repetition, surprise. - One colour depends on another colour. What chord comes next. 

Fiona Rae: -Don’t use the same brush all the time. Different paint language - The marks exist in themselves, of themselves and by themselves, WHILE also coming together to make something greater. - Component parts. Make a picture of something that doesn’t really exist! - Notice something colour does. Not likes or dislikes. Makes differences unified.

Sonia Delaunay: - Colour and form.  - UNITY.  - Colour IS light. = create light, an emotional response. 

[agar18]

My trials of Abstract Painting:

I decided to JUST DO IT! and just dive in the deep end! But with the knowledge and tips from the videos I watched, I feel like I have more of an idea of where to begin. 

The whole time I was just saying to myself, TRUST MYSELF!!

I REALLY love the way they turned out! The first one I tried, I was still hung up on form and where to place it, as “making up���  where to put the colours was really difficult for myself to figure out. It was only when I realized I didnt have to make it up, but that it is all about COLOUR and colour combinations, rather than making it look like an image or make sense, did it begin to really work! Also my use of different brushes, strokes and size of line etc is also being tested and explored more. 

I used the retarder in the water like in the videos, and it was really helpful as I had more time to mix the right colour and bring the colour back in when needed later without needing to remix. I also used a palette knife to mix the colours more cleanly, making sure I dont waste any paint as well as making sure the colours dont get muddy. 

Like when I learnt to do life drawing or blind drawing, It is a little awkward at first, but once you get the hang of it and understand how to think, change the way you view painting, its such an asset! I feel like ive unlocked another skill set that has helped me to use my skills for more things and not restrict myself!! It definitely will help me get my ideas, whatever they may be, across in MORE ways and with more depth and diversity. 

These are only small paintinsg however, I really want to try it on a bigger scale next week.

[agar18]

Abstract Painting Research

For my third methodology that I want to test out I will be doing some abstractions from the photographs that I had from the Philippines. But its really scary as I have NEVER really painted this way before!

Usually with realistic paintings, I know where to put what colour and how to paint it as the photo tells you everything, but with abstract painting, I dont know where is best to put what and how much is too much?!

So for inspiration and to broaden my own knowedge of HOW to paint (I have never received painting classes), I researched on youtube certain techniques and ideas. If i am to make painting a main feature, might as well get to know exactly HOW to paint well with my acrylics and to make the most of my technique and materials!

PAINTING TECHNIQUES:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5rKM71JwNzE - Paint Retarder video... basics of what it is. - Open time is extended, sower drying and more blending time, BOTH of colours and of ! 5% ONLY. - putting either IN paint or IN water. - Still add water to it as it is NOT a high flow medium that makes it easier to apply. - Doesn’t embed itself into the canvas right away and dries fast, makes it sit on top longer.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RjNJD4Lp3dk - BETTER VIDEO! Shows difference between regular acrylics and ones with retardant in it clearly. - HOW to use it properly: Not too much as it will never set fully watertight and can move if underneath regular acrylics painted on top. - Applied in PAINT already = open on the CANVAS, more time to move around on the canvas and blend. OR Applied in WATER = open on palette, more time to mix colours. I think I will more likely to use the retarder in water as mixing colours is what I want to focus on rather than blending on canvas (e.g for portraits). - Good for en plain air painting! If I ever want to do it outside. - WATCH OUT! have to get used to LONGER DRYING TIME as it needs more time to set especially with layers... I can control drying time by addidng retarder MYSELF, not already retarded paint tubes.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OkWVO8XIOao

Acrylic gels vs Acrylic mediums. - Affecting the texture of paint, peaks and strokes. - Doesn’t affect pigment, but must apply enough to get the right colour as it dries clear if not mixed well.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bg3oQ_OqQ_o BBC Abstract Art program! Really amazing documentary that I stumbled upon that is all about the mind, history, techniques and ideas around abstract art.I have only watched the first episode, but ITS SOOO HELPFUL! Just because its really helping me understand the mindset of an abstract artist so that I too can learn to do what they do.

Abstract art: -Experimentation! - Accident - VISUAL METAPHOR: rich enough for reality - Colours block to help make things not just look like holes or spaces, but layers one on top of the other. - THEOSOPHY?? 1875 helena blovatski - Eastern religion and science = spiritual movement - Hilmer aft Climt = crazy lady - Kandinski  

I realize that there is less of an idea of form and more about the colours, textures and combinations of things on the canvas. Especially with artists like Louise Henderson who I now really look up to. The colours and shapes she creates as well as the composition of her abstract paintings really convey so much meaning while not being figurative. Leaves it so open and beautiful yet also eliciting a strong reaction from the viewer.

[agar18]

I wanted to start with a painting of a portrait of my grandfather from an old photograph that I had. I just realise that although he was my grandfather, I never knew him very well. But I do remember certain details or memories about him from when I was young. So using finger painting, I was thinking of a way to map out or piece to together the image of him I had in my head and from the photo. Putting in different layers of colour and shape with my fingers really changed the way I was interacting with the image and the subject. 

I felt, even if it wasnt the best painting, it was very much helpful to me even theraputically to “feel my way” through it. I hope it comes across in unnatural the colours I chose as well. I painted the canary on top in detail as a clearer memory of him and to contrast the whispy portraits. 

Using repetition as well, I just wanted to see how it would affect the image and my view of it. In different styles and detail as well as intensity. The more I drew the more I felt less attatched to him, but also the more familiar I became with his facial features. 

I am not painting or gessoing the whole canvas as I want to keep layering different featres, images and textures onto the canvas. Like a depiction of the constant flow of my ideas.  Allowing it to grow and progress freely and naturally without a set composition. 

This is quite new for me as I usually love to plan my whole painting first then execute. It feels good to free myself up and although it is not complete, it feels ready at this stage. 

Drawing from the pictures from my mothers home town of colourful bunting littering the skies, I tried to immitate the beautiful colours and textures using trash. I spent some time looking for and picking up materials for the bunting from the street, in a way referencing the beauty of the place, but also the other side of the Philippines, the poverty and wastage.  

[agar18]

As a starter:

There is something about photographs... Memory, time, family, feelings and senses of things, environments. Everyday scenes and warm feelings.

Collating similar emotive imagery that are not all mine, but have that same feeling to them that is familiar and remenicent. 

RESEARCH BOOKS 

- What can photos do for the viewer?  - The use of Photographs in art or art therapy...  - How photographs can heal - Why people relate so much to photographs? The commonalities between many people and memories.