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Every time I wanna take a fucken tolerance break my body decides Now is the time to fall apart, leading me to keep smoking for pain management. God wants me to be a stoner so bad

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i envy every stoner i know who smokes a bong, goes to poop, and takes another hit. why can't joints to that for me. why must i be bong-intolerant god seeks to strike me down from every angle possible

I look at god and tears are streaming down my face "i just want to sleep!"I cry "To eat and play and feel the sun warm my cheeks like your other children do. Do you hate me so much that you deny me even that? The simplest of joys?"

The silence of my apartment is answer enough.

Indifference.

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I'm keeping all my weird rables on here and I'm gonna include me stressin

weird medical problems under the cut (idk if i actually want advice i just need the words out and my boyf already knows everything lmao, warnings in the tags)

I'm giving myself permission to be gross, don't make me feel guilty for it, i know there's no one reading this anyway

I haven't pooped very much today. To be fair I havent eaten much of anything today or yesterday which propbably isnt helping. I ate like an unusual amount of apples recently (re: a week or two ago) also, something I haven't done in a bit so I wonder if it's connected at all?

Here's the thing though, I've got some mild abdominal cramping (I also started my cycle a few days ago, which also came with a UTI hooray) and there's some back pain that im experienceing also. When I have pooped today, its a very small amount and the consistency of a under-blended veg smoothie (fiberous? idk i haven't looked it up to give a descriptor) and I am consistently having discomfort like I would before a typical bowel movement but nothing happens. I try to get up and move around to help a little but it mostly just agitates the ache in my back and the pain from the UTI (specific sharp pain when I take a step seemingly connected to my urethra?? idk it's fucked up though)

I also threw up earlier today? Tbf it was after I was nearly hysterical emotionally, so I chalked it up to that in the moment but that's not something that's happened to me before so I'm skeptical. It also came out as a viscous, greenish-brown, foamy liquid with a phlegm-y consistency? Also something I've never experienced, and I didn't feel better or worse after the fact like I usually do.

basically: i have all the symptoms of an intestinal blockage but I have class tomorrow so maybe some morning anxiety will help me out and I really dont wanna go to a hospital since everything I see says that intestinal blockages are like.... immediate hospital stay kind of deal.... respectfully I don't have time for that so I'm gonna take a gamble instead and see if this goes away on it's own.

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am i deadass writing a "we sold you to one direction" but instead it's "we forgot to tell you you're betrothed but you gotta go tomorrow"

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i was destined to be Important but i decided to remain mediocre

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growth is realising that my anxiety is actually a bigger problem than it used to be becuase i thought i could get away with ignoring it when i was younger

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To Love Another - Kassidas

Chapter 1 | 2 | Ao3

Source: Assassin's Creed Odyssey

Pairing: Kassandra/Brasidas

Chapter Warnings/Tags: everyone lives/nobody dies, I'm using this to cope can you tell?, they make out in the sand, the smut stays in ch 2, it get's kinda emotional, there's a bit of hurt/comfort in there if you squint

Word Count: 1.9k

Chapter 1 - Reunions

The last thing Kassandra expected when leaving Kephalonia for the first time in years, was to get tangled in the fate of the Greek world itself. All she had wanted was to bring her family back together, saving the entire Greek empire in the process was an added side-benefit. 

With the Cult of Kosmos wiped out of existence, she had time to focus on her family. Over the months, Alexios had been less and less troubled by what the Cult did to him, unlearning the violent reactions that were ingrained into him. Kassandra had gently encouraged him to become a misthios alongside her, to put his skills to use more than anything else, and he took to it like Ikaros to the wind.

Pheobe had been immediately fawned over by her mother and father, prompting them to take the young girl in. Pheobe was, of course, delighted to have Kassandra as her sister, and while still a little scared of Alexios, she brought out a gentleness in him that Kassandra hadn't seen in a long time, if ever. 

Continuing her life as the most dangerous misthios in all of Greece, she maintained her title as captain of the Adrestia, occasionally leaving the ship to her brother as an escape when he needed it. The guilt he felt when he was surrounded by his family, so kind and forgiving, weighed on him in a way that Kassandra knew without him needing to say a word.

She was surprised when she found herself back in Sparta, spending months bouncing between different islands and on the open ocean. An unknown contact reaching out to her once she made port, a Spartan scout hurriedly pressing the letter into her surprised hands before running off just as quickly. It lead her to a familiar battleground in the dead of night, Phobos tied off nearby as she stepped through the trodden sand to meet whoever needed to see her so soon. This was one of the last battles she had against Alexios when he was still under the control of the Cult, and where she had killed Kleon for everything he had done. The salty breeze shifted through the light armour she wore, the shiver brought on by the cold or the memory she wasn't sure. 

Walking closer to the shoreline, she found comfort in being alone even if only for a moment and sat in the sand that had long since lost the sun's warmth. Removing the spear from her back, she gently set the tip into the soft sand, resting her hands on the hilt as she watched the small waves come and go. So lost in the moment she barely heard the footsteps behind her until a familiar voice spoke.

"My eyes must be deceiving me, there is no way that Kassandra of Sparta is having a moment of peace." On her feet in an instant, she whipped around and offered a wide smile and gentle laughter to Brasidas. He held out an arm to her in greeting and was surprised when she launched herself at him, strong arms wrapped around him in a hug.

"We take those moments when we can, Brasidas." She answered coyly, letting go to hold him at arm's length. "It's been months! How have you been? You have to tell me everything!" The younger woman exclaimed, and he gave a hearty laugh in response. Removing himself from her grip he set his sword into the sand before sitting next to where she had been before. She took the unspoken invitation and sat comfortably next to him. 

It was just before dawn when their conversation caught a lull like the waves before them, a still and comfortable silence. They watched each other, and Brasidas found himself gently tracing a scar etched into Kassandra's shoulder. "This one is new," he trailed off, hoping she could give him the story of how anyone could have possibly gotten close enough to hurt her. 

"Do you know the Daughters of Artemis?" She asked, and when he nodded she continued. "Their leader, Daphnae, had tasked me with gathering the pelts of legendary beasts from all across the Greek world and returning them to her. There was this particularly nasty wolf that managed to knock me on my ass a few times. It got a good bite in before I took it down." She smiled softly, almost reverent, and Brasidas couldn't help but encourage more out of her.

"And what happened? After you finished with the task?" He asked, and Kassandra grinned in a way that sent a shiver up his spine.

"In the interest of making a long story short, I became the leader of the Daughters of Artemis." She said so simply as if discussing a meal she had made. Brasidas paused, taken aback. Yet another title to add to her already impressive collection.

"Should you not be there? Leading them?"

"It was all for the sake of propriety, it's more that I'm their leader in title only, I appointed another to take my place in my absence. But, I am free to come and go from their territory as I please." 

"Ah." He said simply, kicking himself for the limited response. They lulled into another comfortable silence, Ikaros' calls sounding off in the distance as dawn broke over the waves. 

"The battle here, that almost ended very differently for you." Kassandra mumbled, her knees tucked to her chest. She looked incredibly vulnerable at that moment, and Brasidas knew she was confiding in him in a way few other saw. 

"It's because of you that I'm still alive. I owe you my life and so much more." He offered gently, and her shoulders shook in quiet laughter. "Although I hardly think you brought it up to be reminded of that." He pressed gently, and she sighed. When she looked up at him again her brow was furrowed tightly, a small line of worry in her otherwise unmarked face.

"And yet I could have lost you that day, all of Sparta could have lost you." She paused, taking a deep breath to calm the desperate notes in her voice. "I don't know what I would have done if my brother had been able to finish what he started, if I'd be able to forgive him." She offered quietly, and Brasidas felt his chest tighten with an emotion he refused to name. 

"Then don't think about it. I'm here, your brother is safe with your family, and nothing will change that," taking a chance, he gently placed his hand on her shoulder, hoping the gesture would bring her some comfort, "I promise you." He offered, voice full of determination as she lifted her gaze to his own. Her heart was pounding, her nerves wound so tight she feared they would snap. While Kassandra was no stranger to indulging in her desires, she didn’t know what to do when she was faced with wanting something more. The older man must have seen the hesitation in her face and he sighed quietly. “I was terrified whenever I saw you on the battlefield, especially when you went against your brother. It’s not every day you meet a Spartan like you, Kassandra. Walking in a world without you in it is the last thing I want.” 

Kassandra’s face grew hot, cheeks stained a dusky pink at his words. “You are very kind, Brasidas, but I’m sure there is more to your life than just me.” She teased gently, masking the longing in her voice. There was no denying her feelings for Brasidas, although she was certain that he did not feel the same. “You’ll have a wife soon enough, the gods only know how many women would want the Great and Honourable Brasidas of Sparta.” She teased, looking back out to the shore. The sun was just starting to peek out over the horizon, painting the sky in soft pinks and yellows. 

“That’s just it,” he began, “I’ve never wanted anyone. I was determined to live my life in service to Sparta, never settling down just continuing my life in the military.” His hand dropped down from her shoulder and Kassandra found herself missing his warmth. “At least, I thought that was the plan. Until I met you.”

Kassandra whipped her gaze back to him, to find him closer than he had been previously, their knees brushing against each other. 

“The day we met, that fight in the warehouse, I’ve never felt a connection like that with anyone in my life.” He continued, his eyes warm with affection. “You’ve become very important to me, Kassandra. I would be incredibly stupid to let you go now.” He said with a boyish grin, and Kassandra only gaped at him, her eyes wide with shock. It wasn’t a grand profession of love and adoration sung from the hills, but it was so overwhelmingly him that her heart ached all the same. He laughed nervously as the silence stretched on, breaking her gaze to run his hand anxiously along his braid. “Of course if you don’t feel the same, there is no pressure. The last thing I want is to make-“

Kassandra cut him off with a hand on his cheek, turning his gaze back to her. “Please, stop talking and kiss me.” She demanded gently, laughter filling her voice. He smiled in return, all boyish with glee. 

Their lips met once, a soft, almost exploratory gesture. Twice, and it was like they both remembered that the other isn’t fragile, filled with the passion and longing they had both pushed so far back it was remarkable that they had even made it this far. 

Brasidas lifted his hands, one curling along her neck under the braid Kassandra never seemed to be without, the other cradling her jawline so gently it made her heart ache. Their lips moved together like they were meant for it, an easy slide that didn’t feel uncomfortable, even as she shifted closer still. Her own hands began to wander, settling on the swell of his chest beneath the armour he still wore. 

He coaxed her lips open with a gentle nip against her lower lip, brushing his tongue against hers that eagerly awaited him. It was so gentle, so soothing in its own way and Kassandra was grateful to not have to rush something for once, to be able to take her time. Heat burned on her cheeks as warmth pooled in her belly, the little flames of desire building in a way that was unique to Brasidas, when they fought together, any time she laid eyes on the man she had the same reaction, she certainly wasn’t losing the opportunity now. 

She tried to muffle the yelp of surprise she gave when he lifted her off the ground just enough to settle her on his lap, her thighs bracketing his own, not even breaking the kiss. Now impossibly close, Kassandra draped her arms around his shoulders, letting herself melt against him. 

Slowly breaking the kiss, Brasidas buried his nose against the crook of her neck, inhaling deeply before pressing a gentle kiss against her skin, grinning at the shudder that ran through her. 

“I’ve wanted this for so long, wanted you.” He admitted quietly, his hands ghosting over her torso to settle on her hips again. “Since the moment we met, you stole my heart. I can't imagine being with anyone but you, if you'll have me." He murmured, lips ghosting against the side of her neck and she had to repress a shiver.

"Always, Brasidas." She answers breathlessly, pressing a kiss against his temple. They held onto each other, content in the moment of peace they found in each other.

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listening to a self-help podcast while writing and listening to lofi music because i cannot have only one point of stimulus i have to overload my senses at all times

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The term and concept of "rent lowering gunshots" has seeped into my mental vocabulary, and I've welcomed it there. Something I'm up to is gross and weird? Good, keeps the rent low. Keeps judgy people out. Post weird shit on your blog, do weird shit to your hair, be as fucky as your heart ever wants to be. If you're not the one making the profit, make yourself unprofitable. The aposematism of brightly coloured creatures is there to warn predators, not friends.

You have no moral obligation to make yourself palatable for those who would consume you.

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Of course it goes without saying that I am hopelessly dependent on the ingot